eh, i guess that makes it okay. no. killing of any kind is... i don't know, well... let me think about this. (slurping) ah. i guess it's okay. what's going on? welcome to another episode of "the daily distancing show." i'm trevor noah. today is officially day 36. yeah, day 36 of us staying inside to try and prevent the spread of coronavirus. and because a lot of you are cooking for the first time now that you're trapped indoors, here's your coronavirus quarantine tip of the day -- baking soda and baking powder are very different things. also, baby powder isn't made out of babies. ha! crazy what we're all learning in quarantine. anyway, on tonight's episode the hot gossip about kim jong un, jordan klepper gets advice from

survivalists, and president trump builds a wall around the entire country. welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily distancing show" with trevor noah! ♪ >> trevor: with all the negative coronavirus news going around, it's important to remember that the world is not ending, it's just on pause -- a very weird pause. you know like when you pause a movie and then the actor's face is stuck in a weird position like -- so because this is just a pause, it's important to remember to smile. and for that, we turn to our segment "a ray of sunshine." ♪ ♪ >> trevor: our first ray of sunshine involves zoom, the popular video conferencing app and the reason why one corner of your house is so clean. an animal sanctuary in

california announce add new service where they will be renting out their animals to appear in your zoom meetings. you can pay anywhere from $65 to $100, you can have a goat, lama, cow, pig or turkey make a surprise appearance on your zoom call, which is all fun and games, until the goat outperforms you in your meeting. i'm sorry to tell you, james, but scruffy really had great ideas and blew you out of the water, so, ha ha, you're fired. but on the real, though, this is a really novel idea because, i mean, usually, the only animals we have on call from our company is craig from it. close your mouth when you eat, craig! we can see you! it's a camera! a little advice -- if you are going to zoom with animals, please remember to be sensitive to your new coworkers, because otherwise things could really get ick awkward. >> so sum up, a great job all around, team. i think we're going to land the henderson account. excuse me. i'm going to take a quick bite

of my burger. >> wow. wow, really? >> what? >> you're just going to eat that burger right in front of me? >> that's my bad. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry about that. >> that could be my uncle, man. how would you feel if i just started eating your grand-dad on a zoom call? >> i do not know what to say other than i am sorry. i am so sorry for that. >> ha ha! man, i'm just playing with you. it's cool. i eat a burger every now and then, too. >> oh, you had me going, man, for a second. i thought -- wait, you what? >> trevor: i love cows. now, insulting animals isn't the only thing you can do online these days. andrew cuomo, the only governor in america who can pull off a track suit has signed an executive order allowing new york couples to get their marriage licenses online, and he's authorized clerks to perform wedding ceremonies over video. now, look, if you ask me, i

don't think anyone -- i don't think any one of us should be making big life decisions during quarantine. okay? no one. your concept of love is totally skewed right now. you can trust me on this. i spent most of last week in a relationship with a bottle of purrel. i mean, think about it. you're blocked up with one person for so long you're probably going to forget other people exist. you're going to be, like, you're the best guy in the world! let's get married! you will take one walk and you will be, like, what if i done?! basically, any marriage during quarantine should have the same story policy as best buy. if i'm not happy with the product after three months, i can return it or at least make an exchange. finally, a heart warming story out of massachusetts. a chain of hospitals there has started a new tradition called a code rocky, and what that means is whenever a patient is discharged after being successfully treated for covid 19, all available staff report to the lobby and they applaud the patient while they play them the theme song from

the rocky movies. ( applause ) and i don't care what anyone says, this is so great. can you imagine they play the rocky music? it's such an inspirational tune when you're getting out of the hospital, getting back into life? and i'm assuming when you get your bill, they play you a theme from jaws -- ( humming jaws theme ) you have to be careful with that music, that rocky music really gets people going. what if you play it for the patient and it ends up pumping up the coronavirus instead? i was about to throw in the towel but that music makes me believe i can do it! it's time for the second wave! ( humming rocky theme ) that's your "a ray of sunshine," let's get into the headlines. international news, starting in north korea, the country with 60-year head start on social distancing. last night the world was rocked by reports that kim jong un, supreme leader and man who cut his own hair before quarantine,

may be gravely ill after secretly undergoing heart surgery. this was major news. i didn't know kim jong un had a heart. crazy. now, honestly, i feel like what probably happened here is kim jong un just didn't want to get on a family facetime call so he made up an excuse and it spun out of control. another facetime? aaahhh! tell him i've got, like, a heart issue. yeah, tell him i've got something wrong with my heart! oh, that's genius, supreme leader because of your condition, they'll believe it. what condition? you know -- now, north korea has completely trashed these rumors, and they have said not only is kim jong un alive and well, but he even threw a big party at his house just this weekend. seems legit to me. meanwhile, over in kenya, the governor of nairobi came up with an interesting which to get his

people through the coronavirus crisis. >> in kenya, the governor of nairobi is facing criticism for putting bottles of hennessy in care packages and calls it throat sanitizer. >> i think it created mixle reactions why am i giving small bottles of hennessy in the food pack. i think from the research which has been conducted by the world health organization and various health organizations, it has been revealed that alcohol plays a very major role in killing the coronavirus. if you see -- if you check each sanitizer, you will find out each sanitizer has above 70% of alcohol content. >> trevor: okay. drinking hennessy might help you with many things, it can help you dance bert, it can help you relax, and it can probably help you try to bust a rhyme song at

karaoke. but the one thing it will not do is help you cure coronavirus! first of all, it's not 70% alcohol, it's only 40%, which is too low to kill the virus, and, no matter how strong it is, drinking alcohol doesn't kill viruses. please, people, we need to understand this. so do not drink purelle, don't try that. and don't date it, either. i'll never forget that. i will say this, while this governor's health advice isn't great, i've got to admit, his coronavirus fashion game is pretty strong. look at that, man. he looks like the most florida man in africa. the last king of nascar. he looks like a transformer who got stuck! and finally, from the start of this pandemic, germany has been one of the most thorough countries when it comes to testing for coronavirus, and, now, they are taking it to the next level. as part of the new program, german police are knocking on random doors and then asking people if they can test their blood for coronavirus antibodies, and they're doing all of this to see how many

people in germany have already recovered from the virus. and i mean this is truly next level. this is like a cool idea and it's amazing that they can do it, but, i mean, you've got to assume it's going to make a few people uncomfortable. knock, knock, this is the german police asking you to open the door but in a cool, chilled-out way, not like other ways we've asked people to open it who wasn't around. we're just here to test the purity of your blood. oh, my god, that doesn't sound good either. auf wiedersehen! to the big story, as the coronavirus continues to sweep across america, leaders are trying to figure out the right balance between keeping people safe and the economy moving, while the rest of us are trying to figure out if we can grow tomatoes by planting some ketchup. spoiler alert, you can. and even though medical experts say it's too soon to reopen the economy, a number of governors

have announced that they're ready to start easing restrictions. for instance, in georgia, governor brian kemp announced businesses like gyms, hair salons and bowling alleys are free to reopen by friday. i'm not a governor, but i'll be honest, this seems like a very strange decision. bowling alleys? i figure that's the last place that should be reopened. sticking your fingers into a ball others just stuck their pingers into. might as well join a competitor sneezing league. president trump announced he's shutting down the border, mean while. in a 10:00 p.m. tweet last night, president trump said due to the coronavirus he's going to sign an executive order suspending all immigration into the united states, and my only question is who is even immigrating right now. i don't even like going to the grocery store. you mean there are people

saying, hey, honey, i'm going to another country, want me to grab anything for you? but this is a big step for trump because, remember, two-thirds of his wives have been immigrants. so closing the immigration system is trump's version of deleting tinder. like most of his tweets, we don't know how seriously to take this but it obviously has some people alarmed because, after all, he is the president -- hashtag not my president because they didn't accept my ballot. some of it is coming from the president's own advisors, fox news. >> many families including mine, we have au pairs and we rely on them. i need her in my house so she can help me from my daughter. these au pairs come here on work vievisas. they have to go back to their country to get their visas renewed. we have been talking about that in my house.

hopefully the president will roll out a plan and we'll be informed on how this is going to affect all of our lives. >> trevor: first of all, many families here do not have au pairs. 0.3% of families in america have au pairs. you're more likely to have a show on quibi than have an au pair. instead of trying to act like this is an everyone thing, what she should really say is, damn, this trump thing is going to affect me because i really care. people are willing to tolerate him because his actions don't affect him personally. this isn't unique to politics. people do this all the time, even with jokes. oh, my god nigerians are funny! yeah, indians do that all the time! that is totally brazil. wait, what did you say about russians? it was just another joke. okay. i wait for you outside, and then we make more joke.

now, if president trump goes through with this immigration ban, it will be yet another policy he's pushing through during the krone ma pandemic. in fact, his administration has already shut down visa applications, they've paused the refugee program, blocked migrants from seeking asylum, and during corona, trump's e.p.a. even drastically decided to cut enforcement of environmental regulations. so don't forget, while you're finally getting around to watching ozark and trying to bake breatd for the first time, donald trump is using coronavirus as an opportunity to do all the things he always wanted to do. the only difference is, when quarantine over and you throw away your bowl of yeast, trump's hobbies will be keep going for a very long time. very long time. we'll be right back.

at t-mobile, we know that connection is more important than ever. so we're making big moves to help those who need it most. introducing t-mobile connect. a prepaid plan to help keep america connected. starting at just $15 a month, it gives flexibility for uncertain times. visit t-mobile.com/connect to learn more. you can also manage your account, and make payments online. stay connected with t-mobile connect.

♪ahahahahaha. hahaha. discover the rainbow! taste the rainbow! "the daily distancing show." you know, like most of us, jordan klepper has been self-quarantining. so he's been reaching out to experts in survivalism and disaster preparation to figure out how best to manage his new life, and he does it in a new segment we call "surviving and

thriving with jordan klepper." ♪ ♪ >> in my new series, i'm learning how to survive and thrive while sheltering in place. last time, i talked to prepper stephen renee who's an expert at fortifying the home. >> this is the hardened bunker. >> does nobody want to paint the wood? now i'm talking to a survivalist, an expert at fortifying the body, pat mack. >> bam. >> i've interviewed pat before. he served 22-plus years in army special yops, trained police forces, authored the book "sent nell: become the agent in charge of your own protection detail " and has nothing but great tips for surviving. >> it's pandemic pandemonium. >> if anybody will know it will be pat. good to see you. >> good to see you, my. >> i want to talk to you. we spent time together. you're the most bad-pass

prepared guy i know. i'm a comedian so i know improvisers and sketch folks. >> right on, thank you. >> how do we prepare for what is going on. >> preparing time is over. that should have been done years ago. the frantic search for toil it paper. what's that about? >> that makes the most sense out of all the chaos, that i get. >> but what if we didn't have water? what if the water system weren't working? where you would poop? you have to have a portable pooper. >> you had that so on the ready. >> i've got a bunch of bags that are byo degradable. >> not to bag, but i have a working one of those toilets at home. when it's not working i just go to the gym. i can and have talked defecation all day, but this is about real survival tips. >> time to get our blaze on! so right now, we've got to embrace the suck. we have to embrace the ass wound of this thing. >> embrace the ass wound of this

thing. is that oscar wilde? >> i have no idea. >> what should people be doing in the situation we're in right now? >> you know, this is a great opportunity for self-improvement. >> and if you're pat, that self-improvement means working out with things you find lying around you, like whatever this is. i came to the right place. how does a guy like me who's stuck indoors stay physically fit? >> you've got to keep things interesting, and you can't neglect the transverse plane. >> the transverse plane? >> rotational exercises because you have to keep your back and core strong. in the transverse plane lies life saving and ass kicking. >> if i'm not doing this, no asses will be kicked. >> right. >> utilize stuff around the apartment? >> yeah, got anything heavy? >> let me see, i've got books, sapiens -- >> sapiens is good. hold them out at arm's length and then do lateral raises up

and down. yeah, there you go. i can see little suite driplets forming on your forehead. >> with pat's guidance i was able to have an intense work out using common household items. >> roll it up tight and unroll it. >> do you know what to do with this? >> never even heard of it. >> four, five, one, two, three -- >> assist with your legs. leg assist, leg assist! >> pegasus? are you saying pegasus? >> that's a good start point for today. i wouldn't recommend anything else because i'm pretty sure you haven't done anything in a while. >> no, that's very intuitive of you. the more time i spent with pat mack the more reassured i was. pat emphasized this is not a time to panic and we will get through it. >> don't beat yourself up if you weren't prepared. it's human to err. but when we do, we have to learn from the past, prepare for the

future and perform in the present. >> yeah. yeah! let's do sch! >> yeah, get you some! >> let's do this! in the house. >> in the house, yes. >> let's do this -- here! ♪ ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, jordan. don't pull your groin. when we come back, i'm going to be talking to amanda nguyen, c.e.o. of the civil rights organize rise. stick around. stick around. how do you think they make starburst taste so juicy?

starburst? juicedratic equation. super top-secret mathematical formula they keep stored inside a safe, inside a vault, inside a volcano. ahhh. juicedratics. starburst. unexplainably juicy. starburst. and... l(music fades in). hey! -hi! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

"the daily distancing show." as you may know, april is sexual assault awareness month, and although coronavirus has dominated the news, we wanted to check in with civil rights activist amanda nguyen. her organization rise has just announced a new program, survivor safe haven, to support survivors of rape and sexual assault affected during the coronavirus pandemic. welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: it is really great to have you on the show now, unfortunately for a topic that is oftentimes overlooked and more especially during the coronavirus pandemic and that is the issue of sexual assault and abuse that is taking place in many people's homes and just in the places where they're staying. tell us a little bit about what you're doing right now with your survivor program. >> absolutely, trevor. this pandemic has been unprecedented in many ways, but

in one way it's been tragically predictable. just like you said the spread of covid 19 is being trailed by a spike of sexual violence. a lot of people are feeling isolated right now, i think that's what a large part of the world feels. so you can only imagine what survivors are feeling at this moment. and, so, that's why my team and i started a program. last week we rolled it out, it's called survivor safe haven. it's a growing partnership with chefs, restaurants, grocery stores, where people are still going to in the outside world, and these safe havens have posted flyers with the code word "rise up 19", and if someone mentions "rise up 19", they will know that staffer at that place has been trained to call hot line and give them a safe place to place that call. we spread this in d.c., l.a.,

s.s., and we're trying to raise awareness to get this to as many survivors as possible. the first foal is to raise awareness, to get access to information and resources for survivors. the second goal which is just as important is to let survivors know that they're not alone. >> trevor: it really is a paradox right now because, for most of the world, the idea is stay at home so that you can be safe. for many survivors and people who are experiencing sexual assault or abuse, this is now almost the complete opposite. staying at home is now staying in the place where there is the sexual assault or abuse. how do you try to help these people? is there a way to get them out of these environments? is there way to get help into these environments? because oftentimes, people don't have the luxury of leaving because they're tied to the space that is also tied to their abuse. >> absolutely. and what we're trying to do is let people know that there are

places that one will give them help or let them know they have rights still. on our web site there's a list of rights afforded to survivors. even in these times which can be unpredictable, we still have rights, an it's really important for people to know that. >> trevor: by giving people a number and support, some would say, amanda, what does this do for these people in these predicaments? there has been clear research that has shown that having a way out or someone to talk to makes a big difference. tell us a little bit about why that aspect of support is so important. >> there's a psychologist adam grant who has done a study about an experiment. in this experiment, researchers gave participants a very difficult task to do while stressing them out. it was loud music playing

intermittently, and for some participants, they gave them a button. this button, should they choose to use it, would shut off the music. and those who had the button were calmer and performed better. the conclusion of the study is people just knowing there's an option for them that they had agency did better, and this program, survivor safe haven, is meant to be a button of sorts, it's meant to tell survivors that we are here for you, the community is there for you, and you're not alone. >> trevor: the community is one aspect of giving people support, but, as we've learned all too often, unfortunately, unless there is some governmental support or structures in place, you know, stamping out abuse, whether it be sexual or physical, is a tall task. is there any support coming in from the federal government at this time, from state government to try and assist these people,

especially women being affected by sexual assault and abuse? >> actually, trevor, that's one of the main things that we at rise are trying to do right now. we have been talking with governors, with torn generals, local leaders and the white house as well. options like just recognizing that this is an issue all the way to holding executive orders to help survivors with civil rights right now. >> trevor: thank you so much for that. if anybody wants to help with this cause, if somebody wants to participate in the program, if somebody wants to help the organization as a whole, what can they do? >> anyone can help right now. if you're a grocery store owner, restaurant or even someone who wants to be an ally, you can go to rise now.u.s./covid, download the flyers and share them. >> trevor: thanks for being on the show. see you on the other side. >> thank you so much, trevor. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. before we go, though, with businesses closing and people losing their jobs all over the country, lots of people are struggling to find a meal right

now and you can help them by donating to "feeding america." they're suppliesing meals to millions of americans every day and they could use our help. even a dollar could get somebody a meal. stay safe, wash your hands and take temperature in a different hole every day just to spice things up. here here it is... your moment of zen. >> last night, i took a razor and buzzed my head, and i gave myself a giant bald spot. >> somehow we seemed to have added more hair during this cut than take it away. >> i don't think my partner knows what they're doing. >> don't let your friends cut your hair. maybe they don't have the proper training. >> no! no! no! >> so people won't have to do this much longer.

captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪