uh, do you think you could be just a little less evil than that? i don't know. do you think you could survive a 700-foot fall? fry: ah, good old bender. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: well, hello. welcome to another episode of "the daily social distancing show." i'm trevor noah, as always. and today is officially day 43 of us staying inside to try and prevent the spread of corona virus. and here's a really cool quarantine tip of the clay: if you have qthames and a little bit of tape, you can give yourself a coronavirus test at home. it's really easy. all you do is tape them together-- hold on a second. if you hold the one end. okay, never mind, don't do that. anyway, on tonight's episode: government's small-business loans, michael kosta takes us on a magical journey through his apartment, and mike pence finds another form of protection he doesn't agree with.

welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> announcer: from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show," with trevor noah." ♪ ♪ >> trevor: you know, every day, we're bombarded with so much negative news about coronavirus, that we can forget there is still some sunshine out there, and all we need to do is look. so let's kick off the show with our "ray of sunshine." ♪ ♪ all right, first up, there's some promising news in the search for a vaccine. oxford university has announced that, thanks to a head start taht they got from their years of research on the mers virus,their covid-19 vaccine is already showing positive results and could be available as early as september. and, guys, i can tell you something?

i'm so excited to get a vaccine! the first thing i'm going to do is make plans with my friends that i have no intention of keeping. "we have to do something. it's been too long. we have to catch up. i'm already in. i've been in. i'll see you there. and then i send a last-minute text saying i can't make it, switch off my phone, and stay at home. ooh, can't wait for the vaccine! before you join me in my excitement, there's something you should know. so far, the vaccine has only worked on monkeys. and, honestly, i don't know how to feel about that. because it's our virus, but now we're testing it on them. like, how would we feel if monkeys tested diseases on us, like they did with aids? here's something no one's thought of: if we test the vaccine on monkeys, monkeys could become immune to coronavirus first. then they get to have haircuts and go bowling, and next thing you know, "planet of the apes." anyway, congratulations to oxford university on their potential vaccine breakthrough. and congratulations to the university of phoenix for their

discovery that you have to peel an orange before you eat it. keep studying, guys. in other news, everyday we have to deal with the horrible consequences of this pandemic. it's taken away our freedom. it's taken away our social circles. and now it's even taken away people's pants. >> cbs and ups say initially want final leg of prescription's journeys will be done by ground carriers, so people won't be getting their medication dropped out of the sky into their mailbox just yet. but the companies do say they will scale up the program if it is successful, guys. >> very cool. we love it, will, thank you. >> trevor: okay, if i wanted to get my news from a guy not wearing pants, i'd just go on the subway. and props to the other anchors for playing it cool. although, it would be great if when they came back to the studio, one of them would be like: "thanks william. i kind of imagined that report would be... longer." but this just shows that people are getting too comfortable working from home. just because you're at home

doesn't mean you're not at work, people. and i'll be honest, i'm guilty of this myself, which i am sure some of you noticed if you paid attention to last night's show. donald trump, you look like an idiod! have some self respect! and, finally, if you're sick of all the news being only about corona and wish we all had something else to talk about, good news. your wish came true! >> if everything going on right now wasn't odd enough for you, take a look at this: the pentagon releasing these videos of what they are calling "unidentified aerial phenomenon." they were filmed by some navy pilots the last two decades. the pentagon said they are being released to clear up misconceptions after they were released. but the objects remain unidentified. trevor: okay, fall, no. second of all, hellll no! how is the pentagon going to choose now to tell us that there might have been aliens flying around? we've got so much shit on our

plate right now. i gotta watch "the last dance." apparently, i'm expected to wash both hands now. i don't have time for anything else! and if the aliens arrived now, that would totally suck, because they would land in the middle of times square and be like: ( alien ) >> we are here to share our technology and all the secrets-- oh, i guess this planet is deserted. well, let's go home. that monkey has a cool hair cut. some people are trying to come up with theoryes yes they might be here. some people think they want to kill us. some think they want to save us. but we don't know. we don't know anything. what if the aliens get here and say, "greetings, humans. we do not need anything on this planet. we just came back to retrieve our pet dodos. >> dodos. >> yes, those are our pets so precious to us. >> can we give you chickens instead? >> why would we take chickens? >> we might have killed all the do dos. we don't know why.

we just killed them. "i assume you've seen "john wick," so you know what has to this has to go. all right, that's it for the "ray of sunshine." let's jump into some headlines. let's kick it off with sweden, the canada of europe. unlike most countries in the world, sweden decided against a mandatory shutdown, and instead they just told their citizens to be responsible and keep their distance. now it appears there have been upsides and downsides to this approach. on the downside, sweden has experienced almost triple the deaths of its neighboring countries who did impose lockdowns. but on the upside, the swedish ambassador has now said that stockholm could achieve herd by may. yeah, and herd immunity is when so many people have immunity the disease can't spread as easily anymore. it's like when so many of your friends have watched a bad tv show that it spares you from having to feel the pain

yourself. and if sweden achieves herd immunity, i'll be so happy. although, i'll be honest. it always makes me nervous to hear people referred to as a "herd." nothing good ever happens to a herd. it's usually, "get that herd into the slaughterhouse!" it's never, "i have a bunch of amazon gift cards for that herd! " so sweden's plan is sure to set off a big philosophical debate: should countries get slammed by coronavirus quickly and get it over with, or should they try to spread out the pain out over a longer period of time? in other words, is it better to be punched once by mike tyson, or punched 5,000 times by michael cera? either way, a guy with a funny voice is hitting you. and, look, i hope sweden is right and every other country is wrong, because if they are right, we can end the lockdown and finally get back to our normal lives-- like, going out to dinner with our friends and-- oh, i forgot. ah, i forgot. i have a thing that night. sorry, i gotta cancel, guys. but let's move on, because while sweden is experimenting with its unconventional strategy, we're

learning more about president trump's unconventional strategy of completely ignoring the pandemic as it was brewing. >> breaking overnight: "the washington post" reports u.s. intelligence officials warned president trump about the coronavirus threat in at least 12 classified briefings back in january and february, but the "post" reports the president "failed to register the threat." >> trevor: yes, it's being reported that trump ignored 12 coronavirus warnings in his daily intelligence briefings. honestly, i'm not surprised spp if they gave him the information in a briefing, of course he was not going to get it. if you wanted him to get it, you had to make it kid friendly and then it would sink in. ( trump ) "so the sick duck got all the other duckies sick? he should sit by himself until he's not sick anymore." i get it, sad duck. and, finally, because trump has turned every press briefing into a joe biden campaign ad, you

could be forgiven for not remembering that mike pence, vice president and "man from the crosswalk symbol," is technically in charge of the coronavirus task team. and yesterday, when he was asked why america just got to the testing levels he promised all the way back in early march, pence had a pretty unconvincing excuse. >> reporter: mr. vice president, back in early march, you said we'd be at four million tests by the following week. we've just now got there in the last few days. so what have you learned about what went wrong a month and a half-- what went wrong over the last month? >> i appreciate the question, but it represents a misunderstanding on your part-- and, frankly, a lot of the people in the public's part-- about the difference between having a test versus the ability to actually process the test. >> reporter: so when you said four million tests seven weeks ago, you were just talking about tests being sent out not actually being completed? i'm a little confused. >> john, i think precisely

correct. >> trevor: ah, i see what mike pence is saying. ( pence ) "you're supposed to just have the tests, not use them-- you know, like a penis. like, what kind of excuse is that? mike pence sounds like some kind of weird, shitty dad: "i promised you kids we could go to disneyland. not go inside disneyland. now wave to goofy through the bars. go on, wave." oh, and in other mike pence news, today, the vice president toured the famous mayo clinic to meet with coronavirus patients and doctors, and turns out he didn't wear a mask, yes, at the mayo clinic, which is totally against the rules. in fact, it seems like they told him to and he said he didn't want to wear a mask. i guess he was like, "it's okay. i don't believe in science." dude, come on! what are you doing? wear a mask! we know you have one at home. we know what you've got, mike. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's get into the big story. last month, congress passed the paycheck protection program,

which set aside $342 billion to help small businesses through the pandemic shutdown. now, before most small businesses could get any help, that money disappeared faster than rudy guiliani in direct sunlight. and because of this, congress has had to come back with an another $310 billion. but things got off to a rocky start. >> this morning, millions of small businesses are still waiting for relief as delays, technical glitches, and overwhelming demand caused the small business administration's portal to crash within minutes of relaunching the new loan funding program, the s.b.a. revealing twice as many people tried to access the program on monday than at any time during the first round of loans. >> many lenders reported not being able to file applications for clients because the computer system kept crashing. >> trevor: goddammit, man!

how come it seems like every time the government builds a website, it crashes immediately. like, i have never had this problem with my website, picklesinsocks.com. and don't tell me it's because nobody wants to see photos of pickles wearing socks. it's adorable! i mean, look at that! look at that! he's not supposed be wearing that sock! because he's a pickle! it's so funny! now, look, computer errors can be fixed. they probably just need to turn it off and turn it back on again. that never works. but there's a bigger problem with the p.p.p. it turns out that one reason small businesses haven't been able to get their money is that the big businesses have been snapping it up. >> reporter: we've learned in round one of the p.p.p., a whopping $870 million went to publicly traded companies. >> at least 75 companies that were helped are so big that they're publicly traded, and some had market values greater than $100 million. >> some of the nation's largest restaurant chains are facing

backlash, shake shack returning $10 million it received after public outcry >> reporter: the los angeles lakers organization is the latest not-so-small business to return a government loan. the team received more than $4.5 million in the first round of loans. the lakers are one of the n.b.a.'s most profitable franchises, worth more than $4 billion. >> trevor: yeah, it turns out the companies who are getting a lot of this "small business loan" money are small in the same way that joe exotic is "chill." >> i'll tell you about carol baskin'. and how come i can't say the "n" word?" even the los angeles lakers got some of that small business money. and i don't care what anybody says, the lakers do not need $4 million. the knicks need $4 million to bribe their fans to act like they don't see what's going on. now, it's important to remember that although what these big companies did was shitty, it wasn't illegal. they saw a chance, a chance to get money and they took it, which is what companies are

always going to do. my question is why didn't the government come up with regulations to make sure the money for small businesses actually went to small businesses? it's like if you put down a bowl of food for a small dog, you have to get the big dog out of the room. everyone knows that. if you just ask the big dog not eat the food, the dog's gonna be like, "i'll think about it, but i think better when i'm full. so instead of keeping the big dogs out, the treasury department just left the whole thing up to the banks. and then the banks did what banks do, which is screw over the little guy. >> reporter: four major banks are already facing a lawsuit alleging they prioritized bigger customers, because those p.p.p. loans yielded bigger fees for the banks. >> reporter: the program allows banks to prioritize existing customers, particularly those with large credit lines, over small businesses or new applicants.

>> reporter: nearly 8,500 of jpmorgan's private and commercial bank customers who applied were assisted by what some called a "concierge banking service." >> reporter: if you have $25 million and you go to a large bank, the way that they're going to get your account is with white-glove service that your corner shop just is not going to have. and that means you don't wait on hold. you don't go through a web portal that doesn't work. you call someone up who picks up the phone and scoots you to the front of the line. >> trevor: yeah. you can't leave the loan decisions up to the banks. you can't let them take government money and decide who it goes to. because, unlike a government, a bank is a business. it's always going to take care of its top customers first. so big companies weren't waiting in line to get the loans. they had direct access to the cash. it's the same way ivanka has direct access to trump, while eric has to call and set up an appointment. by the way, eric, they're always busy. they will always be busy. so, that's what went wrong with the first round of small business loans.

and, hopefully, hopefully, the treasury department's new rules for the second round of money letwill go to the companies that need it most. but there's a big thing that a lot of people are overlooking: many small businesses in america are owned by women and black people. and you know what many black- owned and women-owned businesses don't have? pre-existing relationships with banks. so if the banks didn't know you before coronavirus, you're definitely not going to be on their radar now. which is why experts fear that up to 90% of women- and minority-owned business could be shut out of the loan program. now, i don't know how you fix this program overnight, but if you're a woman or a minority who owns a small business, i suggest you start practicing your jump shot, because that might be the only way you get some of this government cash. after this short break, michael kosta will give us a grand tour of his apartment. so stick around. so stick around. we'll be r [son] mom!

yeah... [son] i fell. okay there's bandages in the cabinet. [son] i'm bleeding. grab two. sheba. what cats want.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." just because we're stuck in our homes doesn't mean we can't travel. >> hi, i'm michael kosta. before the coronavirus, i can convinced trevor to allow me to host a travel show through the italian wine region. it was the perfect scheme to allow me to go balls deep into a sea of merlo. but then we all went to shit, so now i'm stuck taking you on a journey through my apartment. welcome to ( bleep ), ( bleep ), apartment ( bleep ), larm codes 7978. come on.

shit! ♪ ♪ my apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom, world renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which i can no longer visit. it was colonized in 2017, after i was evicted from my previous homeland for, according to my parents, being 36. but despite their ageism, i have moved on. and now i enjoy this apartment immensely, especially its culinary delights. ♪ ♪ here, in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including oat bran for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. when you're in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my

apartment, home-brewed kombucha, which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks. in the middle of this bustling marketplace is an ancient heating device. a word of caution to visitors, though: keep away unless you really know what you're doing. ( bleep ) who left this ( bleep ) on! while you're here, be sure to visit the michael kosta museum of art and minor accomplishments, located on a neoclassical ikea dresser, it hold myself many prized treasures, like this autographed regis philbin christmas cd. and behold the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden emmy. although, relentless critics like my wife point out that it's a regional emmy. but that's fine. she can tear down others so she feels better. even though it looks and weighs exactly the same as a really emmy-- six pounds, 12 ounces.

but who's counting? anyway, this apartment is also home it a world-class wildlife preserve. arrange your guided tour to take in these amazing animals that this north american havenesesprks minischnauzer rescue mix. here we have the pipe room. if you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out. any time you need to get to the pipes, you go here. i-- i don't know what any of this stuff does. let's move on. here, we have a window where... why are those kids playing outside? hey, kids! it's a global pandemic! jesus christ! does anybody enforce the rules anymore. when can i go outside? >> ( echoing ) when can i go outside? what day is it? is there such thing as time?

have i ever truly been alive? who am i. did i leave the stove on? is my dog my master ( echoing ) my master, my master. i hope you enjoyed the strange and wonderful land that is michael kosta. join me next week as we'll be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds, and odors of my building's hallway. until then, i'm michael kosta. ( bleep ). ( bleep ). >> trevor: thanks for that, kosta. when we come back, my guest will be illinois senator tammy duckworth. so stick around. >>

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the geico giveback. (brad) well, it's because we're willing to scout them out no matter how far away. kevin! anything to report? (kevin) nothing. (brad) that's interesting. exactly like the last nine hundred eighty-three days. (kevin) hey, can i come home? (brad) kevin, kevin, kevin. what a dedicated intern. he's just one of the reasons why more people find their place on apartments-dot-com than any other website. (employee) sir, we have an incoming call. (brad) send it to voicemail. (employee) done. (brad) apartments-dot-com. the most popular place to find a place.

>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." earlier today, i got the chance to speak to illinois senator tammy duckworth. y she serbs on a bipartisan task force on opening the economy. thank you for joining us on the "the daily social distance show." >> it's good to be on from afar. >> trevor: very far. let's talk about the interesting world that you are a part of right now. as a senator, are you part of some of the biggest decisions that america needs to make during this crucial time. you have to make those decisions by voting. i'm confused right now as to whether senators are coming back into session or not coming into session. because it seems like there's a lot of contradictory information. i-- i-- i do you know what you're doing yet? >> we do not know what we're doing yet.

i will tell you that we can pass this legislation by unanimous consent. that's how we passed the latest bill that just passed last week, as long as it's a bipartisan compromise and we all agree on it, we can actually pass it with unanimous consent. nobody is objecting. it can paz without people fizzily being in the room. i was on four zoom calls already today, only one of which was a preschool class for my five-year-old. we're actively working every day. but the legislation doesn't actually physically require us to be there, unless somebody objects and says, "we want people to physically cast a vote." >> trevor: right. is there any reason anyone would have to want people to specifically cast a vote during this time? it feels like an unnecessary risk for so many senators and their staff to be coming to d.c. to cast votes that they can be doing digitally and in video form? >> the votes can be done unanimously. we have a couple of senators, from virginia and maryland, can go on the floor. actually, mitch mcconnell can present the vote by unanimous

consent. no one objects, and then it just passes, which is what happened with covid 3.5. we don't physically need to be there. it's a dog and pony show that mitch mcconnell wants to put on by calling everybody back. that's the best-case scenario. the worst-case scenario is calling everybody back to vote on unqualified judges to statistic courts. >> trevor: it's rare we see bipartisan anything from america's government these days. why do you think everyone is behind this bill, and what do you think the importance of this bill is? what do you hope it will achieve? >> well, there are several things that i want it to achieve. first, we need to get money to the hospitals. all these hospitals, these first responders, the folks on the front lines, need the money to keep operating. i talked yesterday to 38 hospitals in illinois, rural hospitals. they're on the verge of collapse. they need the money in order to keep operating and serving their communities. we need to make sure that we get money into the system for our small businesses.

in illinois, 95% of our employers are small businesses. they're drowning, and the last bill that we passed, many of the big banks gaimed the system and actually sent money to large corporations that didn't need it. in this version, we are-- we put guardrails around it and set aside money to go to small business and. very important for business in the south side of chicago, minority-owned businesses that need this money just to survive. and third, we need to make sure we are able to reopen the economy-- for there to be an economy to reopen. let's take care of the first responders. let's make sure there is testing. let's make sure there is money for small business. and that is something i think we can all agree on. >> trevor: it really feels like more than ever citizens need the protection that their government can afford them. because, you know, we're learning so many things about how the coronavirus adversely affects communities. are you a senator representing

illinois. chicago is one of the hardest hit cities in america. and what we've also learned in chicago is, just like in many places in america, it is disproportionately affecting black and brown community where's we're starting to see the adverse effects of the world they lived in beforehand, being exacerbated by coronavirus. are there any laws or any legislation that anyone is proposing that will try and help those people specifically? it feels like a lot of laws get written almost with blinders on. but there comes a point where people say, do, we fix the problem or do we act like the problem isn't affecting? in a different way to others? >> you put your finger right on it, trevor, and it's something i have been working on. last year i started the environmental justice caucus in the senate because the black and brown communities in and around chicago, for example, are the ones that have disproportionate location of polluting industries. it's where-- these black communities are where we put the communities that pollute the air and environment. we have skyrocketing rates of

asthma among african american kids in chicago. if you go from the loop in chicago and go down 10 l.stops-- which is what we call a subway-- the life expectancy drops 10 years. that's unacceptable. we need to address these issues. with the covid-19, african americans, for example are, 15% of our population in illinois, but they're 43% of the cases of covid-19, not just because whereof they live and the higher rates of illnesses that they have, but it's lack of access to healthcare, and it's the jobs that they're holding. theatre janitors. they're the people working in the nursing homes. they're the people doing the really hard work that keeps our society going. i've working on several issues. i have been working on environmental justice to make sure we clean up the environment in our black and brown communities and give them the same rates of flaeks we do for our more affluent suburbs. and then we also need to make sure that we protect those workers who are on the front lines. we can't forget about the folks who are working the mcdonald's drive-through right now. they need a living wairnlg, and

we need to support them. we can't forget about the janitors cleaning the hospitals right now. they need to be protected as well. >> trevor: a group that definitely needs protection right now, not just for themselves but the health of the economy in america is small businesses. un, we've been talking about how this loan program was meant to invigorate small business and to keep them afloat during the coronavirus shutdown. but as you said, big businesses got the money because banks found a way to game the system. now, i know the treasury has put in some guidelines for this next round of funding. but is there going to be any-- any-- are there going to be any ramifications? like, you know, is anyone going to ask questions about where the money went, who the money went to? are companies that didn't need the money going to be forced to give the money back? how is that working? >> i am joining a group of senators in a letter requesting exactly that. where did the money. >> trevor: g? how did those people get the money? was it just because they all had relationships with wells fargo or chase or went through small

community banks and i want to break it down by industry as well so we know the money is going out across the board to lots of different industries so it's not just one industry getting a bulk of the money. in the 3.5 bill we put guidelines around it so a lot of this money would go through small community banks and credit unions and the like. those are more likely to lend to small businesses, to mom and pop stores, that sort of thing. and in the next bill, covid 4, that we're negotiating, we making sure we double down on that. and i want to go back and take a explook see how exactly did the trump administration distribute this money. because, you know, i just-- i don't trust the department of treasury under the trump administration very much, unfortunately. i mean, i wish i could, but i just worry that they are not doing things, where they're favoring small businesses as opposed to large corporations. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about the coronavirus itself. we hear about task forces. we hear about teams that are working together. at one point, i hrmd you were part of a team, but i haven't seen you as part of that team.

and, again, forgive me, but i don't understand. are you part of the corona task force that is deciding when to reopen the economy? >> yes, i am part of the task force to reopen the economy. dick durbin and i are two senators from the same state to be on the task force. it was a surprise to me. i wasn't asked. i'm glad to be on it. i'm going to be pushing hard to make sure before we open the economy in any way we have enough testing, both for when people are positive but also contact tracing and make sure we can open the economy and not have to shut it back down again. how devastating would it be, trevor, if we let everybody out, and have another wave of covid positive and shut it back down. they think would be worse for our economy. our task force has only met once. we had one phone call, 45 minutes spent with trump boasting how agreement our testing was, and that other countries were calling us asking

for to us give themselves tests. all of which were not true. when asked, "how many tests do we need for the country?" the trump administration had no answer. on a separate call with vice president pence we asked him the same thing. this is a basic math problem. you need to know how many tests we need to have. for example, israel tests their front-line healthcare workers every three days. you can do the basic math and figure out how many tests you need. they don't how many tests they have or how they're projected to have them. it's very frustrating work with this administration. it's why i pushed so hard to use the defense production act. i'm writing new language right now to include pandemic response in the defense production act for testing supplies and pen-demics as well. >> trevor: changing gears before i let you go, you were the senator who made news for being the first senator to bring their child to work with them. it was inspiring and it was amazing because there you were at work with your child.

once again you are at work your child, but both at home. and now you're at school with your child. it has been quite a journey for yourself and your family, being the mother of two young kids. what has the hardest part of home schooling/spending the full day with them been? >> wcial the hardest part is really-- i want to spend all my time with them. home schooling i think is probably the hardest part. i'm home schooling my daughter every day. and i had great respect for hir teachers before and our educators before, but right now, i mean, i will kiss her teachers' feet, because i am-- i am blown away by how hard our educators work and how tough it is. so i'm trying to home school my daughter. but let me just say something, trevor. i have-- i have a job. my job is paying me a salary. i cannot imagine what it must be like-- you know, i can imagine because my dad was in his 50 when is he lost his job and my family was on fooled stamps and we didn't have enough to eat. there are a lot of families right now in this country that are hurting who need help. and that's what i'm focused on right now.

so, yeah, it's tough home schooling my daughter, but it's nowhere near as hard as the janitor who has to go show up and clean up the hospital who doesn't have the ability to home school her child. and now her salary doesn't make ends meet, and how is she going to get enough food for her family? that's the family i'm focused on. my family will be fine, i'm worried about the working families out there. >> trevor: senator duckworth, thank you so much for your time and good luck with the home schooling. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> trevor: stick around, "the -oh, pete!?! -c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this..... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagarene? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in creamy snickers®. ♪ no one knows where it comes from. hey! stop! ♪ why some have it... ...and some don't. it's the fighting spirit.

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just got easier. getting the job done, the last thing you should have is having enough toilet paper. please know we're working around the clock to get you more charmin. stay safe.

♪ ♪ the calming scent of lavender by downy infusions calm. laundry isn't done until it's done with downy. dad! not cool.o, son. you know what's not uncool? old spice after hours... and jazz. dad, i prefer ultra smooth, it handles sweat without all that...jazz. you're right son. >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. before we go, the covid pandemic has devastated communities around the world, but remember,

the international medical corps is helping those communities rebuild and recover. if you are able to, and would like to help them in their global outreach, please donate whatever you can. and if you'd like to support the response here at home in new new york, specifically, please donate to the "nyc healthcare heroes," who are providing care packages to our healthcare workers, hospitals, and temporary medical facilities. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, wash your hands, and don't forget: lotion can also be used to moizize the rest of your body. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> shhh! >> and i'm also going to confess i had a hair trim yesterday, kind of a special deal. friends-- friends of-- you know this person, but i'm not going to mention any names. >> okay. >> she got her hairdresser to come in and open up her barbershop, and the guy gave me a pretty good trim. >> shhh!

- ♪ i'm going down to uth park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly face everywhere ♪ ♪ humble fks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down tsouth park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ampl parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neibor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i c't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ co on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [school bell rings] - and so just like in nature, ian add the mixture into the volno and-- oh, pele, god of ire, show us your-- [volcano burps] oh, it's all g-gooey. - okay, good job, butts. you get a check. - thank you, miss choksondik. i got a check. that's like ac". - okay, whose project should wlook at next? how about...eric? ericartman. stand by, please. - noweric! - oh,od damn it! - ha, ha!

- shut, you! yes, well... for my project, made a pencil taped to a pen. in this way we see the duality of writing devices that occurs in nature. - you just put that ing together just now. i'm giving you a chk minus. - ah! god damn it, i hate check minus! - s down. - i'll ake you eat your parents. - what did yosay? - nothing. - all right, token, you're next - using my laptop, i hooked into the internet and found a meteorology ebsite. i downlded the data, and with my dad's video projector, i can show you t graph i made of predictable weater patterns over the next three months. - ohh... - i also printed out the results on my color printer. here you are, miss oksondik. - very,ery good, token. you get a check plus. - all right! - oh, that is such bullcrap! - oh, eric, for the love of god. - no, no, see,his is the fundamental flaw with the check, check plus, check minus system. the only reason token s able to do all that is because his family is rich. - my family in't rich. - oh,ome on, token, your new house is four tis the size of anyone else's in town.