i mean, maybe it's stupid. no, it's wonderful. i'm going to frame it. i can always unframe. what's going on? welcome to another episode of "the daily distancing show." i'm trevor noah, and today is day 45 of us staying inside to try and ghost corona. that's right, corona, you don't owe where we be. e.r. at home. but you don't know where we be. and here's your quarantine tip of the day, if you're alone at home and you're getting board, just pick a fight with yourself. that way, you have makeup sex to look forward to. anyway, on tonight's episode. we look at how coronavirus is affecting our dreams. roy wood, jr. and michael kosta catch up on the weird state of sports. and we talk to the founder of shake shack to find out why they took that small business money. so let's get into it. we can upum to "the daily distancing show." ♪ >> from trevor's couch in

new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the social distancing show with trevor noah! >> trevor: although things may seem dark right now, it's important to remember there's some sort of light up ahead and, yes, that light may just be the world on fire, but beyond that light is another lying. and that second light is what i like to call a ray of sunshine. ♪ ♪ let's kick it off with the heros of the pandemic. since "black panther" and "thor" and other losers only work in avengers movies, we've come to realize our true heroes are the essential workers who are keeping people alive and fed and, yes, they might not seem as cool as batman and spider-man, but all of that is about to change. >> mattel is honoring essential workers on the frontline to have the covid 19 fight with a special edition line of action

figures. they are called #thank you heroes. the 16 collectible action figures include doctors, nurses, e.m.t.s driver and a little set that includes a grocery store worker. each set costs $15. dollar from each sale will be donated to the first responders initiative. >> trevor: yes! such a powerful message to send to the kids. you don't need to have superpowers to be a hero. you can be a doctor, a delivery person or hawkeye. plus this is going to make playtime much more interesting. i'm luke skywalker and i'm going to save the galaxy. luc, i'm the cleaver man, can you buzz me in? by the way, they didn't have the toilet paper that's not true! that's impossible! you know, i really think this is

a great way to show these kids how the real -- who the real heroes are, but if they likely want kids to play with the toy heroes, toy-makers need to know you need to pay them more than minimum wage, or we need the evil guy who only washes his hands for ten seconds. you monster. another fun story coming out of spain. thanks to coronavirus, we now do everything at home. we're working out at home. holding office meetings at home, using the bathroom at home. for years, we have been just going to wendy's. just me? turns out, you can even have an affair at home. >> it's the whoopsie making world headlines. 41-year-old spanish news anchor alfonzo was launching a show from his home when a naked woman walked behind heim?

his wife or girl friend. >> no. viewers were pointing out that was not only his girlfriend, it was a colleague. >> trevor: what? >> yes. >> trevor: goddam! i need to start watching news from spain. here it's all boring stuff about trade wars and climate change, over there it's like atell la novell la. a naked girl in the background? breaking news -- i don't know who i am but i know i love you. but this is such an am sure mistake everyone should know you have to be aware about your background when you're working from home. the only thing people should see is books you've read and to haveys from coming in last place in marathons. if you get busted for cheating on tv, there's one thing,

channel donald trump and blame the media. baby, you know you can't trust the press. there was no naked woman in the background. read the transcript, neighbory, fake nudes! with social distancing taking its toll on sports. the international olympic committee is urging countries to consider esports as a real sport. somewhere in russia a team of scientists developed thumb steroids -- so strong, they'll lift up the rest of my hand. ah-ha! the tables have turned. for years the olympic committee looked down on us gamers -- we will not allow video games into the olympics. these are not real sports! you think shooting cartoon characters is a sport? it's an immature way for kids to kill you. you die, come back, they kill you again.

now, esports could be on their way to becoming a real olympic sports, and, man, i cannot wait to watch those medal ceremonies. >> please rise for our national anthem. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> trevor: i'm sorry, but your metal is in another castle. that's it for the ray of sunshine. cinco de mayo is next tuesday. obviously, with covid 19 still out there, we're going to have to celebrate differently this year. modelo beer wants to help us do that. this tuesday, celebrate cinco de mayo at home. celebrate with friends and family online and raise a glass to all of the healthcare workers fighting for us. now, if you post your toast with the #cincup, motelo will donate a dollar to first responders first up to $500,000. first responders first is a fantastic charity devoted to

supporting doctors, nurses and everyone on the front lines. i want to thank modelo for stepping up to help and giving us an excuse to day drink. help cynic up cinco deny myo to help first responders. the headlines. the first is about apple. world's big tion tech giant and smallest producers of apples. a lot of iphone users noticed unlocking your phone with your face doesn't work anymore. makes sense. the phone can't recognize you with the mask on. nobody can, except the guy at the bank said he somehow recognized me, and the jury bought his story. three years later, here we are. anyway, reported apple is about to launch a new feature to fix this problem by letting people punch in a secret code that unlocks the phone. yeah. i know what the haters are going

to say, oh, we had this technology years ago. exactly. this is the genius of apple. they're trying to take us back in time because if we're back in time, there's no corona, and cheryl hasn't broken up with me. please, cheryl, you've got to take me back. the woman in the background, i swear, i don't know who she was. i think she was, like, a robber. the only reason she was naked is she was probably stealing clothes. please take me back, cheryl. i didn't know! in other news, we're going on six weeks of lockdown and it's clearly starting to wear on some people's nerves. people like elon musk, the founder of tesla and man who definitely has an escape hatch. he's never been a fan of the shutdown in the first place, but last night he pushed the button for inshane mode. >> tesla c.e.o. elon musk is being criticized after he launched into a rant filled with ex playtives on tesla's earnings

call. . >> trevor: yes! elon, finally! finally someone decided to call out this fascist american government that's asking people to please stay in their houses to try and save their own lives. i mean, you're not even allowed to go to the grocery store anymore. actually, you can go to the groamplets but, i mean, you can't go for a walk. you can do that, too. but what about the beach? you're not allowed to go to the

beach except pore the states where you can. but you can't go to h&m and that is the definition of fascism. the guy is straight stir up civil unrest so they will buy a bulletproof truck. (as elon) we need to fight the government with our trucks now available with full auto pilot! he's saying we're all living in a computer simulation, hey, the universe might be fake but my stock price is real! no filter, president trump -- a lot of us wondered for a long time if trump actually pays attention to all the tweets that he gets and turns out he does bigly. >> an engineer in california who tweeted the president was paid $69 million for ventilators that never came. on march 27, president trump posted on twitter to urge ford and general motors to start making ventilators now. a man named yaron tweeted back, we can supply i.c.u.

ventilators, have someone call me, urgent. that's all it took. the guy had 75 followers on twitter, no experience manufacturing, but three days later new york city entered into a $69 million contract with the man, new york city says at the direct recommendation of the white house coronavirus task force. now new york terminated the deal and is trying to get its money back. >> trevor: $69 million? guys, come on, first of all, if someone tells you the price of anything is $69 million, it's a joke. 69 is pranking 101, and second of all, nice. but let's go back for a second and just help me figure this out. some random guy tweeted president trump asking him for a ventilator contract, and his wish was just granted? just like that? he said, i want this thing, then he got the thing?

i mean, let this be a warning, the next time you tweet at the president telling him that you've got hillary's e-mails and d.'s nuts, don't be shocked if trump shows up to collect. i brought a hammer so let's smash d's nuts and see what's inside them. finally, seems like the coronavirus has been dominating our every waking moment, and now it turns out it's dominating our sleeping moments, too. >> if you have been having weird dreams lately, frankly, you're not alone. a researcher from harvard medical center is researching people from around the world. she says the most striking change from dreams is the added anxiety. some show fears from the coronavirus like being out in public and realizing you don't have a mask. other have shown met forbs to the pandemic. >> bug dreams, masses of scrirming worming's and swarms of flying insects and cockroaches running at the

treatmenter. >> trevor: thanks for all of those unnecessary details. i wasn't dreaming about bugs and worms before but now i will. you know what's really wild? how coronavirus is affected every aspect of our lives. like our old nightmares were about being at work in a meeting with no pants but now that's just work. but i was relieved to read the story because i thought i wasn't the only one whose dreams have been getting weird because of corona. because when i sleep, my nightmares are totally not normal. here, i'll show you. so many of them! oh, so many! i'm so excited to be socially active again! welcome, everybody! welcome! did you learn the words? ♪ imagine all the people oooh! i can't wait to get back to sleep! that's it for the headlines. when we come back, we'll catchum on our big story, how coronavirus is changing your neighbors. stick around.

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"the daily distancing show." usually, when we talk about coronavirus, we focus on the lives lost, the economy and jobs. but the truth is this pandemic is changing our world in a million different ways, and one of those ways is how we interact with our neighbors, and that's exactly what we're going to explore in our new segment neighboring in the time of corona. ♪ ♪ let's talk about neighbors. they're the people who live in an apartment just like yours only everything's backwards. and since the coronavirus locked us all down, we've gotten so desperate for human interaction that we've actually started turning to the people who live next door, and the results, well, they've actually been inspiring. >> two young girls in italy put their creative minds and talent to work. they took to the rooftop of their respective builds to play tennis. >> a guy in brazil captured

video of neighbors playing street fighter two projected on to the building. >> a deejay in argentina is bringing the club to his balcony. he sets up outside letting his neighbors enjoy from their own balconies. the deejay spins for about an hour, just enough time to mentally escape and have a bit of fun. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: oh, man! oh, yeah! i love this! people are, like, hey! let's go to the club! hey! i'm at the club! it's polling tonight! so lots of people right now are interacking with their neighbors like never before, but thanks to coronavirus, we're learning that jacobs don't just have to be friends, they can also with b our friends with benefits. >> jeremy was sitting at home alone when he looked out his window and saw his next door neighbor dancing. never met per but it was love at first site. he pulled out his drone and flew

it over to her to ask her out on a date. >> he first set eyes on her from his balcony. he tracked her down on instagram and struck up a conversation. the couple haven't stopped talking sense. now they spend their days dreaming about what they'll do when they finally meet. >> i'll kiss you for an hour. >> i'll kiss you for two hours. >> trevor: oh, stop it you two! get a room! but don't. social distancing. you know, it's amazing how this pandemic has warped our perspective because, if you think about it, before coronavirus, if a guy was staring at his neighbor through binoculars and tracking her with a drone, it would not be romantic, it would be the first half hour of a dateline episode. but i guess this is kind of sweet. the only big problem with dating your neighbor is neither of them can ghost each other. i know you're home! i can see you daniella, answer the phone!

don't get me wrong, coronavirus isn't only bringing neighbors together. for some neighbors, this pandemic has made them go to war. >> a snitching epidemic, neighbors tattle on people not following shutdown orders. >> a man said his neighbors chopped down a trustee and used it to block mise road to force him into quarantine. >> social distancing shaming has gotten ugly. >> this is the next door web site created to make neighbors more neighborly. but check out the recent posts. you're a more ron! shut up, yuppy! ( creaking ) >> i just listen to people (~bleep ) all night. that's cool. >> trevor: i'll never understand why people get so angry when they hear their neighbors having sex. if you want your neighbors to stop having sex, don't get mad -- get involved. that's what i to. whenever my neighbors get too loud, i just press up against the wall and i'm, like, and me!

and me! and me! it works every time. no matter how much tension arises between neighbors, always one thing you can count on to bring people together to weather a storm, happy hour. ( cheering ) >> neighbors in this one cul-de-sac call it trash talk. they started to meet to have drinks on tuesday when they bring out their trashcans for pick up. >> neighbors decided to follow the mantra that sharing is caring. every night at 7:00, neighbors in this apartment share a drink. one of the residents leans out the window to four wine from his bottle down to neighbors below. >> trevor: yep! leave it to alcohol to bind people together. i also love that they were having wine while leaning on trashcans because it combines the classiest drink with the least classy activity next to it. next they will be, like, caviar served on a limp biscuit c.d.? so, look, before the coronavirus, a lot of us just

thought of our neighbors as anonymous weirdoes who cook smelly meals and needed to turn down their music, but, hopefully, this pandemic will help us realize these are real people, man. these are people with names. that's not your neighbor. that's gary. and after all of this coronavirus is over, i just hope that we'll be able to go across the hall and say, turn down the goddam music! gary. when we come back, roy wood, jr. and michael kosta catch us up on the corona world of sports. so stick around. [woman humming to "all you need is love" and instrumental music] ♪ ♪ love is all you need.

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you get relentless protection. [ baseball bat cracks ] "the daily distancing show." you know, even though the coronavirus has shut down most sports, there's still sports news ow there, which means it's time to go to roy wood, jr. and michael kosta for another edition of "i apologize for talking while you were talking." ♪ ♪ >> yeah! what's up sports fans? i'm roy wood, jr.! he's michael kosta!

kosta, i don't know about you, but i have been missing sports so much, man! >> i know. same here, roy, i'm so desperate that i have been betting on all the ol oldest pn games that they have been airing. >> i'm sorry. what did you just say? >> and i'm down $5,000, but i'm going to make it back tonight because i'm watching last year's super bowl and i've got a feeling the 49ers are going to win big. >> the kansas city chiefs, that's going to end bad. but what i have been watching is michael jordan ten-part documentary last dance detailing his last year with the chicago bulls. >> you and everyone else, roy. i mean, this documentary has everything -- drama, greatness, shorts so short they leave nothing to the imagination. >> those shorts were so short i could see who had a vasectomy. and watching all that old n.b.a. footage with this documentary, kosta, really made me appreciate how fast the fashion trends

change. the n.b.a. in a few short years went from really short shorts to jordan's enormous baggy suits. like m.c. hammer had a formalwear line. i don't know what you have been going through, i have been going through baseball withdrawals. i have a fever of 104, a lot of chills, shake at night, a little diarrhea, classics signs of baseball withdrawal. >> i think maybe you should get that checked out. but, roy, you would be happy to know they're bringing baseball back in asia with a few tweets. >> if you're wondering what major league baseball will look like when it comes back, pay attention to south korea. the korean baseball association announced the start of the new season will happen may fifth. games played without fans in the stands. players can't shake hands or give high fives, and this may be tough, there's no spitting allowed. >> and in other parts of the world, baseball is back but with a by czar twist. in taiwan, cardboard cutouts and

mannequins sit in the stands instead of fans. >> these mannequins remind me of myself when i'm watching baseball -- emotionless, bored, no nipples. my doctors are stumped, roy. >> don't be hater, you've got to have something in the stands. make sure they aren't imported from philadelphia because they will still throw batteries at you. >> i think the new rules in south korea are too strict. no shaking hands, no high fives, no spitting? what's even the point? >> look, you have to change with the times, whatever it takes to bring baseball back, i'm all for it. in fact, i'll go a step further. after you win the big game, forget gatorade, throw clorox on each other's head. >> by mi eyes where burned but whites have never been whiter! football, not only is tom brady going to be a buccaneer this upcoming season, but he's also going to be reunited wan old friend. >> after one year away from the game, former new england patriot

ron grankowski is coming back joining forces with tom brady. >> could be a powerful duo. you've got to hope the season doesn't get delayed too long. tom brady is already 68 years old. >> watch out for the corona. you're in the most vulnerable demographic. >> i will say, it's going to be weird seeing two long-time patriots donning a buccaneers uniform. >> like if they made the pope the new k.f.c. colonel. i'm happy but will take getting used to. >> i'll probably st. louis eat there. that's it for now. back to cover the next big game on the schedule which is -- let me see -- the kent county michigan crossword competition! goddam -- >> i tell you what, roy, i don't know what that is, but i'm putting two-grand on 14 down.

here weg. >> you have a problem. back to you trevor. >> trevor: thank you so much for that, guys. when we come back, my guest will be world famous restaurateur danny meyer and why shake shack, one of his companies, took that money. for people living with h-i-v, keep being you. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults.

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♪ [splashing sounds] ♪ [sigh] is your money not sure what to do with itself? [alarm clock beeping] at ally, we'll help it save for the future, with our smart savings tools. for all things money you deserve an ally. "the daily distancing show." earlier today, i got the chance to speak to danny meyer, c.e.o. of the yiewnion square hospitality group and the shake shack. we'll talk about the controversy of the small business loan shake shack gave back. welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> good to be distant from you. >> trevor: we'll have to figure out new language and how we react with people. let's talk about what's going on in the world of restaurants now. you have been in the restaurant business for many decades you

started some of the most iconic chains including shake shack, which means your companies are responsible for thousands of employees. what is the state of the restaurant business right now in america? >> it's bleak right now, and my heart goes out to -- i believe there's something like 10 million unemployed restaurant workers in the country right now. my heart also goes out to all the people we do business with. so think about the farmers, the growers, the fishermen, the people who do our flowers, the people who do our linen. nobody's got a job now and we're waiting till it feels safe to bring our teams back to work. >> trevor: and one of the things, you know, your group was responsible for earlier on was reacting to covid 19, even before it was mandatory to do so. there were locations where people were told to stay home. this was before people had to do it. why were you doing that before anyone was told to do it? was there information that your

company had that we didn't know about, or was it just precaution? >> we were watching the news and reading and tuning out politicians and tuning in to scientists early on. we had a couple of scarce, one was called the modern and one union city cafe in new york city. they turned out to be scares, but when you close the restaurant because you send home a cook who shade they had the flu and you said maybe it's the covid and they can't get a test and you end up throwing out food and closing for two days you keep reading articles saying we feed to get ahead of this thing because it will only keep happening. it feels frightening our staff. if you were a guest in one of the restaurants where we closed it and we came up to you and we couldn't say someone had covid because we didn't know, you were afraid. we said enough is enough.

this game is about survival, first about human survival, and that created economic survival as the next recourse. >> trevor: there is a question that is going to be lingering for a long time and that is 10 million people or so work in rust restaurants in this country. those people can't go to work, and the big question is when will they be able to go back to work because restaurants seem, you know, just like we have with comedy shows, some of the space that may be able to open the latest, and even then won't even be able to opent at full capacity, what does that mean for the industry? can you run a restaurant at 25% the way the government is saying restaurants should be run? >> no. as a matter of fact, i have been doing this over 30 years and i don't think i've figured out how to run a profit only restaurant at under 80% capacity. while we are learning by the day the kind of safety protocols it will take to open your

restaurant, it won't look like, smell, sound or feel like the restaurant you knew or missed and the restaurant won't be able to survive that way. >> trevor: on the chick side, i would be remiss if i didn't talk to you about a story that really was sparked by shake shack and that was the p.p.p. money for which the government set aside for small businesses. now, this story was really interesting because, you know, we heard that congress had passed this bill, they were going to be giving 300-odd-billion dollars to small businesses around america to help them keep running. then -- and i think shake shack was the first time we saw it in the news. we heard shake shack was giving back $10 million, and we found out that the smallest businesses hadn't received loans, and then it became a snowball. we started hearing a lot of the bigger companies had the money but small businesses didn't. there are a few questions i'll ask you about. this number one, why did shake

shack even ask for this money in the first place? because most people would say shake shack isn't a small business. >> shake shack did the responsible thing on behalf of its employees to apply for the loan. the way the law was written, if you had any fewer than 500 employees per business, per restaurant, shake shack has about 48 employees per restaurant, you are eligible. the banks made the loans, shake shack did the right thing. however, the very day after shake shack received the loans, the news came out that the government had severely underfunded the payroll protection program, there was a justifiable outcry of many, many small businesses who had not been able to access it either because the government had run out of money or perhaps they didn't have the banking relationships that a business like shake shack did. so shake shack then, with that information, did the right thing and responded and returned the loan. interestingly, since that point,

about $2 billion in loans have been returned. so, you know, it's like so many aspects of this virus, there is no road map, there's no crystal ball, and you just have to keep using your compass with the information you have at that time. >> trevor: so then how do you respond to the critics of shake shack who say but why did you apply in the first place. if a company can give back 10 million, surely it doesn't need the 10 million in the first place. >> interestingly, the way i would respond was when you're running a business, your primary responsibility should be to your employees, and when you apply for that loan, right in the face of the bottom dropping out of sales across an entire country, i would argue that shake shack's employees are no more or less valuable than any employees, an that's where our heart was and that's why we applied. but i also am very, very aware that the minute we learned that, in some respects, unbeknownst to

us -- because there was no fine print on this thing that said, by the way, line up today or you're not going to have funding to get it -- once we learned that and, sure, there was a lot of outcry, and i would be, too. then shake shack did the right thing at that moment and returned the loan. now, i do want to say something that the payroll protection plan, even leaving aside what i just said, is a deeply-flawed program for restaurants. so it's been largely analyzed by people who say should it be for small business or medium business or large business? and what i would say is maybe, but maybe an even better way to look at it is by industry. so take the restaurant industry, for example. by applying one set of foregiveness date to all businesses in the country, which is eight weeks after you receive the loan, you have almost made this loan owner even more onerous from my industry.

i think about small restaurants across the country who got the loan and who now have to rehire their employees by june 30th, or they're on the hook for a lot of money. our industry will not be able to be back in business and have rehired people by june 30th. so this program, if it's going to work, certainly for the restaurant industry, which is such a big part of the national economic ecosystem, i really think that that forgiveness day needs to be extend ford all restaurants to at least six months after government's mandate that you can be back in business, not some arbitrary date that might work for an office but doesn't work for a place of gathering. >> trevor: it's a dilemma, and you have to think of it as a business owner and then as a human being as well. what's interesting about the dilemma you're in, though, is it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight. so what is your best case scenario and what is your worst

case scenario right now? where do restaurant stand? because everyone eats at them, you know, whether they're eating at a takeout place or a fancy restaurant, people want to eat out, people order food. not everybody can and does cook. so what do you think the future holds as it stands? >> i'd say the best-case scenario is that sooner than later our industry as a whole can have access to testing so that employees can safely come to work. once we know that's the case, then i think, like so many other industries, this isn't going to be like turning on the light switch where all of a sudden, voila, there's the restaurant you knew and loved. so we need revenue. we don't have revenue now, but as soon as we can figure out entrepreneurial ways to create revenue, then the next best case scenario and really the one i think everyone is waiting for are two things, a, that there is some type of drug that mitigates

the virus if you have it. we're starting to hear positive noise about that right now. but then, of course, to encourage people to come back to restaurants, there's going to need to be a vaccine, and i think all of us are praying for that. i would say the vaccine for this virus is the equivalent now of what metal detectors were before people started to feel safe getting on airspace. the difference is we had that technology back on 9/11, we just had to deploy it, but we don't have the technology of vying a virus detector right now. >> trevor: before i let you go, i want to talk to you about a new job that you have taken on which is probably one of the most important. governor cuomo asked you to be part of his reopening committee. he's assembled a group of people from different walks of life. you are one of them. what advice are you giving the governor? how you basing your advice? are you using science, medical

advice, thinking from a business perspective? what are you saying to the governor about when the right time to reopen will be. >> i have been asked to be on the committee but not yet asked for my advice. the one thing i am doing is asking advice from people in our industry because i don't have all the answers, i don't think any of us does, but if i can be a coalescing vows for people whether you're from a bakery, diner, fancy restaurant, bistro or chain, i don't really care, i want to get voices together because the state of new york, whether you're talking about, you know, the city of manhattan or all the way up to buffalo depends upon restaurants. it depends upon them economically and also emotionally. >> trevor: danny meyer, thank you so much for joining us on "the daily distancing show." i wish you the best of luck. >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. before we go, though, please remember that the covid pandemic has devastated communities around the world, but the international medical corps is helping these communities

rebuild and recover, and if you're able to help and you would like to help, please donate whatever you can. if you'd like to support the response specifically here at home in new york city, please donate to the ny chealthcareheroes providing healthcare packages to our healthcare workers, hospitals and temporary medical facilities. until next week, stay safe out there, wash your hands and, remember, be kind to your bed bugs. right now, they're the only friends you've got. now, here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> hopefully in the not too distant future we'll have some massive rallies and people will be sitting next to peach other. i can't imagine a rally where you have every fourth seat full, every six seats are empty for every one that you have full, that wouldn't look too good. no, i hope that we're going to be able to do some good old

fashioned 25,000-person rallies. oh! come on, now! oh! what's this? what's going on? you boys do this? oh, right. you didn't do this? well, who did? go! freeze! get on the ground! [gunshot] [gunfire] [gunshot] alright. tornado! [crowd chanting] hell no, we won't go! [gunfire]