ll, in that case... one planet down. helmsman-- set course for earth. ( maniacal laugh ) leela: that's not earth. bender: oh. ( rocket whooshing ) everybody? welcome to another episode of "the daily distancing show." i'm trevor noah, and it is now day 52 of us staying inside to try to stop the spread of coronavirus. here's your quarantine tip of the day -- if you need to venmo somebody money, instead of sending the null full amount, send one dollar at a time and that way it will feel like you're making it rain. ♪ i make it rain ♪ i make it rain ♪ i make it rain on them hi, grandpa, yeah, the money's in. how coronavirus made college more fun, lamas mad might save

us from the coronavirus and the supreme court gets caught with its pants down. welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> trevor: you know, there are many great rays out there, ray romano, ray donovan, ray romano -- did i say that one already? but out of all the rays, the one ray we need most now is a ray of sunshine. ♪ let's kick it off in amsterdam, capital of the netherlands and if hot boxing was a city, like many places around the world, they're slowly starting to reopen as the pandemic subsides. one dutch restaurants gives us a glimpse of what our post-corona world might look like. >> a dutch restaurant is testing out a unique concept that

follows social distancing guidelines. it is a small glass pod designed to fit up to three diners. the food is passed through the safe door from the safe distance and only people who live in the same house can share the space. the eatery in amsterdam has built five glass pods. they're quite popular. the pods are booked through next month. >> trevor: this dutch restaurant started serving people their food inside a tiny greenhouse. great idea but at the same time it gets rid of the best parts of eating at a restaurant, eve dropping on the other table. that's the only reason i go to a restaurant. otherwise i'd eat at home. i want to know why people are getting a divorce. soon we'll drink from upside water dispensers like hamsters. excuse me, i'll sip some wine. not just the netherlands coming up with a novel way to deal with the virus.

in oregon a strip club figured out a way to entertain customers from the safety of their cars. >> at a strip club in oregon, they improvised during the era of social distancing. the lucky devil lounge offers derived through strip show with car i out orders with the strippers as the waitresses. >> i'll just put the food on the ground if i can do it smoothly. make sure they're doing well and kind of give them a social interaction so they're getting their food but they're also getting, you know, that camaraderie or whatever from a person. >> trevor: oh, hell, yeah! a drive-through strip club! now i've truly seen it all. this is what coronavirus has basically done to society. people are going to strip clubs for the food! do you know what i hope? i hope they have the deejay still working as part of that strip club. coming to the stage right now, she's hot and juicy, rotisserie

chicken! you know, when you think about it, the whole world is basically living with strip club rules right now. yeah, no touching and you should probably wash your hands every ten seconds. finally, some news about the search for a coronavirus cure that's very exciting and also adorable. >> a lama by the name of winter could be key to finding a cure to the coronavirus. u.s. and belgian scientists say they have identified a tiny particle in the lama that appears to block the virus and they aim to roll out human trials later this year. >> trevor: i'm sorry are, guys, this is just amazing. lamas? might have the antibodies we need to defeat covid 19. i think i need someone to explain to me how science actually works. how did this come about? were scientists just sitting around, like, mike, i need you to test the virus. peter, see ifing you find out anything on the antibodies.

anything comes up. but i guess, once again, this proves why we need to let more lamas into medical school. if this lama can cure corona without training, guess what it can do after it reads some boofntle if the human trial is successful we might have a cure! if they're not successful, we might have our first human lama superhero! i will say the news will probably raise the bar for app lot of pets. people are looking at their cats at home like this lama is out there curing diseases. what have you done lately mr. whiskers? this research is still preliminary and we don't know if it will work but apparently some big pharma companies aren't waiting to find out. >> the coronavirus pandemic has touched us all, but now there's hope. ♪ with llamanol, the first prescription lama.

we sent you a lama and you maybe lick it or just hang around with it. we don't think you have to eat it but we're not sure. we can't just rush this to market. side effects may include lama spit, lamas eating your lawn, lama die rearia, lama getting wool everywhere but becoming a tiger fink for lamat. tell us if it works. >> trevor: count me in! that's it for today's sunshine. now the headlines. let's kick it off with the supreme court. the highest court in the land and the court with the most overhype robes. the appeals court has basically the same robes, same quality, style, just not the logo. so much cheaper. the supremes heard arguments on important issues this week like whether health insurance has to cover birth control and whether robo calls are protexed as free

speech. if you ask me, robo calls should not be protected. they're unsolicited dick picks for your ears. you never asked for it and you're never interested in the product. that's for the supreme court to decide though not "in "the court. the justices are working at home for the first time ever. they're holding supreme court hearings over the phone. turns out that conducting court business by conference call isn't going as planned. >> well, it was an awkward moment during the first ever supreme court arguments held by phone. at one point during the hearing something unexpected was heard as a lawyer was speaking. lissen closely. >> and i changed the laws identified to banks. what the fcc said is ( flushing ) -- when the subject matter call is range of top topics, it's transformed. >> what was the source of the flush? the lawyer did not seem phased.

he just kept making his argument. >> oh, this is so embarrassing. one of the justices forgot to mute while going to the bathroom or as they call it dropping a verdict. follow the rhyme, if it's yellow, let it melo. if you're on a call with ruth bared, flush it later. you should feel bad for the courtroom sketch artist who had to watch it all. let's move on to nurses, the front line heroes of the pandemic and the only people you thank when they stab you. yesterday, some of them got to visit the oval office for a presidential reception that quickly turned exactly how you would expect. >> yesterday was national nurses day. president trump honored the frontline workers at the white house with you had an awkward moment with one nurse from louisiana who said access to supplies has been sporadic. >> so p.p.e. has been sporadic but it's been manageable, and we do what we have to do. we're nurses and we learn to

adopt and -- adapt and do the best thing we can do for our patients to get the job done and get the care provided and that's what we'll continue to do as covid 19 continues. >> sporadic for you but not sporadic for a lot of other people. >> oh, no, i agree, mr. president. >> because i've heard p opposite. i've heard they're loaded up with gowns now and -- >> trevor: only donald trump would dismiss the concerns of a frontline nurse at a reception to celebrate national nurses' day. if donald trump was a 911 operator, that would be a disaster. hello, 911? my house, it's being robbed! well, i've heard a lot of houses aren't being robbed. in fact, most people have told me their houses are not being robbed right now. what? sir, i wasn't blaming you. i mean you called me out of nowhere and started complaining. it sure feels personal, so personal. and you can tell trump took it personally because donald trump

has the least subtle body language of anybody on earth. i mean, look at him sulking like a toddler. national numberses' day was supposed to be my day! and i really feel bad for that nurse because you can see she did not expect to be attacked by the president just for telling truth. someone should have told her you don't disagree with trump until you leave the white house and have a book to sell. all right, that's it for the headlines. after the break. >> we're going to find out how exroafs might get you into the college of your dreams. so stick around. we'll be right back. like leather, skin is stronger when 9 out of 10 men don't get the hydration their skin needs. that's why dove men + care body wash has a unique hydrating formula... ...to keep men's skin healthier and stronger.

it's good to know. a lot hasn't changed, at all. ♪ a lot hasn't changed, at all. good mormore treatment? we're going to try something different today. hi! awwww, so pretty. dogs bring out the good in us. pedigree® brings out the good in them. "the daily distancing show." you know, usually, when we talk about coronavirus, we focus on the lives lost, the economy and jobs. but the truth is this pandemic is changing our world in a million different ways, and one of those ways is how higher education is functioning. we'll learn all about that in our new segment "college in the time of corona."

♪ ♪ >> trevor: in normal times, college is one of the greatest periods in a young person's life. you make your closest friends, you soak up exciting new ideas, you have your athletic abilities financially exploited, but all that changed this year when covid 19 hit and campuses across the country shut down like this! ( snaps ) >> sudden closure of college campuses across the country over the coronavirus sent millions of students home early. >> these students barely had any time to pack up their things and leave. a lot of folks said that they had to leave their longings on campus. >> i got a call on sunday sort of saying it's time to go. so i didn't really have time to say goodbye to anyone. >> we didn't have any boxes. we were throwing things in garbage bags and trying to drag them down the hall. >> trevor: man, that has got to suck so much. can you imagine? one thing you're in school and

the next thing your stuff is in trash bags and you're on the street. the last person who had to leave college that quickly was aunt becky's daughter. having your university shut down so quickly is not normal. except at trump university. okay, class, today we'll learn about business finance and the most important thing you want -- ( siren ) oh, shit a cop! got to go! but even though students are no longer at school, they're supposed to be going to class. students are quickly confronted with the reality that online learning is a little different than the real thing. >> college classes that once looked like this now look like this. students say they miss interacting with professors and campus resources such as libraries and study groups are gone. >> students claim online instruction is far below the classroom experience. >> they suck, literally they suck. >> we're now obligated to spend about half of our day zooming our teachers. >> if you're in, like, a 200 person-lecture and one person

forgets to mute themselves, that's kay yog. >> some getting zoom bombed, in this class by a clown. >> during a remote learning class, a university of miami, florida instructor shared a screen with the students. the main page have that day's lessons, but eagle-eyed students spotted the words "busty college girl" at the top of his screen. >> yeah, during a college zoom lecture, the students noticed their lecturer sharing his screen had a tab open for busty college girl, and that is so embarrassing. i mean, who still uses the word "busty"? what, are you searching for porn in the 1920s? looking for busty flapper gals! now, to be fair, we might not know the whole story, right? because tabs get cut off all the time on a computer. maybe that browsing tab says busty college girl but when you see the full web site name it's actually how to respect and act appropriately around busty college girls. we don't know. we know.

but, yeah, students are quickly learning that online college is just not as good as the real thing. it's kind of like how online gambling is not like the real thing. yeah, you can lose your money but if someone's not there to break your legs, what's the point? here's the other thing about online classes, even if they go well, classes aren't the only important thing about going to college. students and families pay huge tuitions because they want the entire college experience. and now that they're not getting it, they want some of that money back. >> protesters are taking aim at colleges and universities. students picketing schools saying they're not getting what they paid for. >> they filed class action lawsuits commanding partial tuition refunds. one claims online learning is subpar in practically every aspect. >> we have to pay $55,000 for the same -- basically the same thing you could find on a web site for $50.

>> trevor: i get it. imagine paying for yale but now you're getting university of phoenix. it's like buying a ticket to seeing a movie starring tom cruse and it's ruse. these students won't get their money back when the professors can afford elbow patches on their jackets? why are they protecting their elbows? they're not rollerblading? and because of coronavirus college has become much less appealing. and because enrollments have dropped so much for next year, colleges have gotten so desperate that they're willing to accept students that they never would have previously even considered, which mean shit's going to get really interesting next semester. my son got into harvard because he got perfect s.a.t. scores. >> my son got into harvard from a groupon. may is here and this school

wreer is coming to an end. while the class of 2020 might not have gotten everything they wanted out of a semester, they're finding innovative ways to make graduation day as special as possible. >> fred johnson went to ohio state university but the school didn't hold commencement, so johnson walked across his family's living room instead. >> one business school in japan getting creative. the grad weight students take a virtual baulkwalk across the stage as robot avenue attars. >> students holding their commencements on games. >> university of berkeley getting creative. >> we are re-creating the entire uc berkeley campus to host the ceremony. it will be open to explore campus, relive memories and take photos. >> i'm imagining the entire campus-wide party. ( applause ) >> trevor: bravo.

these kids re-created their entire campus in a mind craft video game just so they could get together for one last hoorah. reminds me when i spent a semester studying abroad in the mushroom kingdom. young love. ( speaking french ) if you're not lucky enough to have gone to a school that's figured out how to throw a commentsment inside a video game, you can still have a kick ass graduation because celebrities are doing virtual commencement addresses for the entire class of 2020. like oprah is doing one with help from simone biles, lil nas x and miley cyrus. president obama, he's giving one with lebron change and malala. yeah, that's super cool. though tricky to watch an obama speech over zoom because you will never know if he's buffering or just pausing for effect. and to all the young kids out there -- uh -- you got to --

uh -- mom! restart the router. follow your dreams. never mind! i'm not going to lie. these virtual commencement addresses seem like a cool idea. we at "the daily show" thought we would share our own inspirational message for the class of 2020. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: well, class of 2020, here we are. >> here we are. >> here we are. >> here we are. >> trevor: at home. >> at home. >> at home. >> at home. >> i'm stuck in a hotel room in bulgaria. >> and i know this wasn't the graduation you were expecting. >> you thought you would be with your fellow graduates on the campus lawn hung over from the day before figuringite out how to break up can your old boyfriend who wants to follow you to the big city. >> instead we're on our living room furniture. >> trevor: i know you were worried this pandemic might stop you from reach you can dreams. i want you to know, even without

this pandemic, no one reaches their dreams. >> nobody. >> most people end up doing a job they don't hate until they retire. just life. >> you think my dream was to work on this show? >> i wanted to be an astronaut. >> i wanted to be a dancer. >> i wanted to be a dinosaur. >> i wanted to not live in a hotel room in bulgaria. the concierge is a horse. >> and. >> trevor: and the fact is the story of your life is still being written. this is just one chapter in your life, a life that will no doubt be filled with many other pandemics. >> but, remember, you have so much to look forward to. like the year 2025. i think this shit will die down by then. >> and once this is all over, your class will make a huge difference in the world. statistically speaking, 10% of you will go on to lead companies. the rest of you will probably murder someone. >> great things await you. until then, use this time to travel. go on an adventure to, like, i don't know the other side of the hotel room.

>> explore the really far corners of your backyard. i heard somebody's buried there? >> visit the at tick of your -- the attic of your house. find your mom's old journal who says your dad wasn't her first choice but she settled for him because eye doctors made great money and she would learn to love his nipple hair. >> as you go out into the world, remember all the teampeople who touched you along the way because those are probably the assholes spreading this virus. why are they going around touching everybody? let me tell you something, if you try to touch me, i'm going to -- (~bleep ). >> trevor: as you move forward, the most important piece of advice i can give you is this -- you are much stronger than you think, just like that off-brand toilet paper you found on the dark web. >> good luck. >> good luck. >> good luck. >> trevor: good luck. >> good luck. >> help me get out of this hotel. for real, call the embassy. >> trevor: when we come back,

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"the daily distancing show." earlier today, i spoke with grammy award winning musician jason isbell, and we spoke about his new album "reunions" and how the coronavirus is going to impact the music industry. >> jason isbell, welcome back to "the daily show." now known as "the daily distancing show." how are you, sir? >> i'm good. all things considered, we're healthy and relatively sane. thanks for having me. >> trevor: coronavirus has affected everybody's lives in varying ways. for people like you, like you said, you're healthy, you've got your family and you're making do, but there's no denying that the music industry is going to be one of the hardest hit after this virus -- i mean, it's going to take a long time before people can be in groups again, it's going to be a while before we see large gatherings.

tell me about the music industry and what's happening, as a musician, as somebody whose music pays so many people's salaries, whether people who work on the venues, on the road, what are you seeing from the music industry now? >> nobody knows what's going to happen and we all, i think, have come to a consensus that it's going to be bad. you know, for me, like, when i'm in the bubble of my home with my family, i can still create. that's something that, you know, as long as i have my life, i can still find a way to make music. so that, i don't think that's dispensable in any way. but as far as making a living making music, it's going to be a lot harder for people who were, you know, living show to show or paycheck to paycheck, you know. >> trevor: right. >> it's already changed with the fac that we don't sell as many copies of albums as we used to and, you know, so we've had to shift our thinking a little bit. i feel very lucky because i've

gotten to a point where i had a bit of a safety net. that's not going to hold up forever, but had it been ten years ago when i was still riding around in a van playing for a couple hundred people a night, you know, i would have to start rethinking career choices and making some hard decisions. you know, it's tough. it's tough because it is dispensable. you can't eat a rock and roll record. i mean, you can, and i'll probably try at some point, but it's not going to help you, so it's tough for us. but the thing that i try to focus on is i can still make music, and the original reason i started making music was not to make a living. so whatever happens, i'm going to be able to help myself be in the world by making music, and i rely on that right now more than i have since i was 15 years old and blockedlocked in my bedroom

with nowhere to g go. >> trevor: tell me about the music you're creating. is coronavirus inspiring everything you create or are you using coronavirus to write about everything else you've experienced in life? because i feel like everyone is choosing one of the two. some people are thinking about isolation only and then other artists are going, no, i think about everything that's not coronavirus and that's what i'm making music with. >> well, i got lucky because i have made a career out of writing lonely folk songs, basically, and, so, now, it's perfect, i just keep doing what i'm doing. i already was writing about sitting alone in my room and not being able to touch anyone. ( laughter ) so it just slides right in here for me. but to tell you the truth, i sit with headphones on and i play the electric guitar for about five hours a day when i get the opportunity to do that, and it's just like i did when i was 12 or 13. >> trevor: wow. >> so i feel like my

musicianship is getting better, and i'm still writing. i take notes all the time. it's not really been -- i'm somebody who needs a little bit of time, and -- you know, i need the moment of tranquility. i think that's the worst thing. but i needed that time after something serious happens in my life. i need to reflect ont it a while before it comes back out as a song. so i think a year from now, i might start writing about this particular time. for now, i'm just trying to get through it and, you know, not snap at everybody. >> trevor: well, luckily, your fans don't have to wait a year to hear your music because you've got a new album that is coming out. it's called "reunions." tell me a little bit about it. >> you know, i went through this period after i got sober a little over eight years ago, where the person that i used to be, i looked back on him with a lot of judgment and a lot of disdain, and it took me a good six and a half or seven years before i felt like i could be

friends with that guy again, to where i felt like that was safe, you know, because i didn't want to forgive myself too quickly for fear of turning back into the person that i used to be. finally, in the last couple of years, for whatever reason, i felt comfortable look back at the music i made then and the relationships i made then and the person that i was then, and, you know, revisiting that, going and sitting down and sort of having a conversation with that person and not just hating his guts, you know, because it was safer to do that. so once i started thinking of those things and those people, then a lot of memories came back, and sometimes in the form of ghosts, you know, they came back to me in a way that i'm more equipped now to write about than i was ten years ago when i was falling down drunk and only had a couple of hours a day when i could be productive. you know, now i can use the

writing skills and the focus i have to make music that that guy wanted to make ten years ago but wasn't capable of. >> trevor: that adds context to the album in a whole different way. i know you've always written from a place that is way deeper than surface level, and i think i appreciate how much thought you put into the music and i think the subjects that you sing about. i know that you're in tennessee right now. as far as some oft it has reopened, which is interesting because tennessee was one of the last states to close. so are you eagerly getting back out there? i want to know as someone in tennessee if you're seeing people back out in the streets or is it hesitant approach to getting back out to life? >> okay, i have a theory about a lot of the folks that are going out and just jumping right back into their normal life or

whatever version of it it is available to them right now. i think a lot of people in america and everywhere, a lot of people i grew up, with a lot of people that i stillle know, they see the same things pretty much every day, they go to the same jobs, they see the same people. you know, and some people love that, some people hate it. for me, it was never really an option. i couldn't stand that idea, so i spent my life traveling and trying to experience as many new things as possible. so when i see something that i've never seen before, i recognize it as something that i've never seen before, and i try to act accordingly. if that's extra dangerous, i think, okay, i've not seen this and i know exactly what's going to happen. if it's exciting or exhilarating, i think i need to enjoy this to the fullist because i've never seen this before and i might not see it again. >> trevor: right. >> i think a lot of folks make the mistake of thinking they have seen this before because they don't have a lot of experience with something they have never seen before.

they're not in practice of experiencing new things. and that scares me. i'm not going out, man. if i have to go do something, i will do it. but i would rather be thoughtful to the people i care about. i lost a friend of our family john prime, he passed away a couple of weeks ago from covid 19, and, you know, that broke our hearts. we were very close to john and to his wife and to the family. >> trevor: yeah. >> you know, if he's the only person that this virus took, that would have been enough for me to stay in the house for as long as i needed to stay in the house, if it was just john. and everybody knows somebody, and if you don't, you will. so, for me, it's not worth it to go out there and risk it. >> trevor: man, i could talk to you forever, but i know you've got to get back to life. i wanted to say thank you again for taking the time today, and i can't wait to hear the music on the show. this is our first social

distancing performance, so i appreciate you for being a part of it. thank you so much, jason. >> thanks for having me on. >> trevor: thank you, my friend. look after yourself. one more thing, when does the album come out? is. >> may 15. may 8 if you order through an independent record store in the u.s. or canada. i gave them the benefit of moving it up one week, so hopefully people would order through their web sites and help them stay open. >> trevor: may 8 for independence, may 15t 15th everywhere else. thank you, my friend. >> thank you, trevor. gohave a good day. >> trevor: thank you, jason. when we come back, jason will perform a new song from his new album right here. album right here. so don't go

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♪ ♪ ♪ walking around at night fighting my appetite ♪ every kid in cutoffs could be you ♪ remember when we used to meet at the bottom of mobile street ♪ and do what the broken people do ♪ are you still taking notes the holy ghost could get inside you ♪ and do whatever you put your mind to ♪ will you read me what you wrote ♪ when we were locked outside the building ♪ over-encouraged, only children

♪ cold coffee on the fire escape we bet it all on a demo tape ♪ when we still had something left to steal ♪ remember when we took too much to get a little of the human touch ♪ hand to mouth and reel to reel ♪ and are you still taking notes hydrocodone in your backpack ♪ maybe these words will hold the beast back ♪ and will you read me what you wrote ♪ the one i said you stole from dylan ♪ over-encouraged, only. ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ heaven's wasted on the dead ♪ that's what your mother said ♪ idling in the park lot ♪ said you thought the world would need ♪ ♪ you were glad to see they finally let me be an astronaut ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ are you still taking notes ♪ do you have anyone to talk to ♪

♪ the wallseaux walk through ♪ the dead leave in ghost ♪ are you lost inside a building ♪ ♪ with over-encouraged only children ♪ ♪ ♪ >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight, but before we go, even with so much else going on in the world right now, we were once again reminded this week that all too often black lives simply don't matter. as we wait to see if justice will be served in the murder of ahmaud arbery, our condolences

go out to his family and the community. >> as a mother, i was never worried about him jogging because as long as he stayed within the streets, i mean, no one should bother him. i just think about how they could allow these two men to actually kill my son and not be arrested. i mean, that's what i just can't seem to understand. his spirit was very humble. i raised him as a yes, ma'am, no, ma'am type of guy. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪

- ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, leh-bah-la timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - oh, great wizard of gregendath! what quest do you ask of this ranger and paladin? - only one thing can save our kingdom-- you must bring me a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. hurry now! - that quest sucks, cartman! think of another one! - uh, boys, butters' parents want to borrow the lord of the rings video we rented. could you take it over to them? - you're sending us on...a quest? you ask of us to take the one video to the house of butters? - yeah, whatever. - it shall be a long journey, with many dangers on the way. - but if the tape must be brought to the house of butters, who else can do it? - very well! we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! come, warriors! - ho! - ho! - mmm, that gets rid of them. - ooh, you're a little frisky, aren't you? - yeah, well, uh, the lord of the rings wasn't the only thing i rented from the video store. i also rented... a porno.

- ohh, you little devil! - you wanna go watch? - how shall we journey to the house of butters? - through the mines of vandor or over the mountains of gralch? - look out, here comes the great dragon of peringraf! - don't worry, i am the great wizard moltiloch. i can shield us from the dragon's fire! bwwowowoowowo! - good job, wizard. - and so, the party journeyed onward-- the great wizard, the skillful ranger and the covetous jew. - i'm a paladin, cartman! - jews can't be paladins. - hey there, cowboy. - you ready for some hot, steamy fun? - you bet i am. - the guys at the office told me i had to rent this porno. they said this is, without a doubt, the hottest porno ever made. - mmm, sounds good. - i love that lingerie. yeah... you like that? - mmm, yeah, baby. - yeah... all right, you ready? - ready. - oh yeah. - the story begins in ages past! in the deep regions of middle earth, where skorn first thrived in the kingdom of gelgala!