- i'm talking about the sabre printers that catch on fire. - oh. okay. i was talking about... what do--what-- what's going on? on, everybody? welcome to "the daily distancing show." i'm trevor noah. it is monday, august 17, which means the democratic national convention kicked off today in milwaukee. it also means there's still three days left for john delaney to maybe win the mom no nation. you've got this, my man! some of you may have noticed my face is a little swollen. i wanted to address this before people start rumors. i was walking to subway to get my usual 3:00 a.m. sandwich, and this guy in a maga hat jumped out of nowhere and said, hey, aren't you that super funny comedian from "the daily show"? and he punched me in the face and ran away and hopped on a flight to nigeria. now that we've cleared that up, tonight, america fights back to

save the post office, michael kosta tries to smuggle coronavirus on to an indian reservation and how donald trump intends to win the popular vote. let's do this, welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> from trevor noah's couch to your couch somewhere in the world, "the daily distancing show" presents the democratic national convention, electing america's first black president's friend. >> trevor: so tonight was the first night of the democratic national convention, and i was actually going to watch it but i was in a bust fight on ghost of tsushima. it was too late by the time i beat it. i promise tomorrow we'll bring you the best highlight of tonight's speeches. this year's conventions are anything but normal. >> this pandemic is change hough we nominate presidential candidates. the democratic national convention will get underway

tonight to nominate joe biden, but hardly any speakers will be there in person. >> it will be almost an entirely virtual event. >> there will be no convention floor packed with delegates, no cheering, applause and no balloon drop. >> don't expect anything quite like this at this year's convention. or that. >> they won't be fun. they were so much fun. and i don't mean just for me, i think the audience watched the craziness and enjoyed that. >> trevor: that's right. for the first time ever, the conventions are going virtual, which means no crowds, no dancing, no balloon drops and definitely no bill clinton kissing booth. honestly, i'm kind of looking forward to watching speeches without the crowd cheering every other sentence because everything at these conventions gets a standing ovation. anything -- does anyone drive a 2015 kia sorento? ( cheers and applause ) no, your lights are on.

( chanting lights are on, light are on ) on the other hand, we have to admit a convention that takes place over zoom doesn't have the same juice. imagine if obama had to do one of his famous speeches but on zoom. yes, we can! sorry, obama, i didn't get that. can you say that did again? >> yes, we can. could you speak slower? i think the connection is bad. yes, we can. okay, we can what? i think you cut off attend. we can what? no, that's the whole thing, yes, we can. oh. okay. no, you don't have to be a genius to see what the underlying message of tonight's lineup, from a.o.c. and bernie on the left to john kasich and a slew of other republicans on the right, tonight was meant to showcase the broader appeal of joe biden across the political spectrum. joe biden is basically the cheerios of presidential candidates, he's not the most exciting option but deep down you know he's good for you. and as he enters this convention

week, biden finds himself in a strong position against trump. he's ahead by an average of 8 points nationally, leading in five out of the six swing states and his wife sometimes lets him hold her hand. that's something. some polls show trump is closing the gap. if one thing i've learned living in america, the poll numbers are like scores in basketball, they don't mean shit till the last two minutes of the game. clearly trump doesn't care about the polls because he's measuring the race by a completely different metric. >> did you see down in florida the boat parade yesterday? they broke the "guinness book of world records." thousands of boats, and that's all over the country. that's everywhere you have a lake, river or ocean, there are these massive numbers of boats and bikers for trump. i just looked. there are thousands of votes in lakes, rivers and oceans, thousands and thousands of boats. it's called boaters for trump,

boaters for trump-pence. there are signs all over. some have ten flags on them. they're incredible. >> trevor: no denying trump is huge with the boating community. i don't blame them. his policies are ensuring the ice caps melt faster and make a lot more water for them. trump has a special place in this community because he stands as if he's on a moving boat. i wouldn't be surprised if trump tries to move the polling locations from land to sea. you know a lot of people are saying water elections are much safer. in fact, there's never been a rigged election on water. you can check it out. obviously, trump is very confident that the boater voters will put him over the top. but as a backup, he's also been moving ahead with plan b, destroying the u.s. post office so democrats can't vote by mail. over the weekend a tax on the post office became so brazen the people started fighting back. >> the escalating showdown over

the post office in mail-in voting. house speaker nancy pelosi cut short the recess, called the house back to emergency session to confront the president obama over cutbacks in mail service which could disrupt mail-in ballots and at the nie some the this morning nancy pelosi is calling every member of the house back to washington for a rare saturday session this weekend to address the crisis in the u.s. postal service and growing questions about the november election. >> after reports surfaced in recent weeks of posting workers removing the iconic blue boxes from screen corners in multiple states, the agency says it will halt removals for 90 days citing customer concerns. >> joe is accused of undermining the service to suppress votes. >> backing pots and bans before 9:00 saturday. protesters marched the first steps of what they say is louis

dejoy's d.c. conned o. >> trevor: man, got to admit there's few things that suck more than being neighbors with a trump appointee because at some point people will protest the shit out of your building, not to mention russian politicians showing up -- i'm here for a secret but perfectly legal meeting. you want 7d, not g. my bad, my bad, but now that you've seen my face i offer you drink that is not poison. but for real, can anyone tell me why they're not removing mailboxes? why don't they repurpose them if they don't need them. turn them into a crash can, flower pot or a new apartment for oscar the grouch. maybe he would be less grouchy if his house was filled with postcards instead of dog shit. trump is claiming the reason he's going after mail-in votes sit has too much fraud.

but no one has found evidence of that claim. yesterday, trump's chief of staff said this -- >> do you realize how inaccurate the voters roles are with people just moving around, let alone the people that die off, but sending ballots out just based on a voter role, registration? anytime you move, you change your driver's license, but you don't call up and say, hey dr. . >> but there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud, though. >> there's no evidence that there's not either. that's the definition of fraud, jake. >> wow. so there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud but there's also no evidence that there isn't widespread voter fraud. once you go into that argument, there's nothing you can't claim anymore. sure, i haven't seen any evidence that aliens are cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space but i also haven't seen any evidence that aliens aren't cloning humans and making them compete in talent competitions in space.

so, if you're watching, give 'em hell in that danceoff, buddy. people have all sorts of theories about why trump is attacking the post office. one is he wants to slow down mail so ballots don't arrive in time to be counted. another theory is he just wants democrats to think the mail is going to slow down so they don't trust the mail and they don't send their ballots at all. which is why over the weekend the king of the democrats barack obama came out with a different message. >> if you're in a state where you have the option to vote early, you need to do that now because the more votes are in early, the less likely you're going to see a last-minute crunch both at polling places and in those states where mail-in ballots are permitted. as much as possible, we want to relieve that pressure. >> trevor: america really is an upsidedown place. the black president is telling everyone to vote early and the white president is trying to

make sure everyone is late. obama is right, waiting until the last minute never works out. like the one year i waited until july to get my beach body, but then all the beach bodies were sold out. so in the face of all kinds of voting obstacles, that is president obama's advice, which he reiterated on twitter -- vote early if you can, and then tell everyone you know to do the same thing, which i guess i'm doing right now. you guys are basically everyone i know. but just in case, i'm going to try to tell more people. hey, everyone! don't forget to vote as soon as you can! >> i'd like to set up as soon as you can. >> okay, thank you, sir. it went well. time for a break. when we come back, we'll catch you up on everything happening outside the presidential race. so stick

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but i'm sure whatever you've been working on is equally impressive. ♪ we are farmers. bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ "the daily distancing show." now, the big story this week is obviously the democratic national convention, but there's still a lot of other stuff going on out there, so let's catch up on all of it in our brand-new segment of stories that aren't about the convention. ( laughter ) word play... anyway, here's some big news -- did you know that america is finally getting its first black president? >> the washington football team formally known as the washington redskins announcing the first new black president. jason wright will lead the business operations and working with building the field on the team. owner of the team says wright's former experience as a playerer and push for inclusion will set new standards for that

organization. >> trevor: that's right, washington has hired the first black president in n.f.l. history, which is fantastic! but if they follow the same pattern as america, the team's next president is going to kick all the mexicans off the team and inject all players with hydroxychloroquine. i will say, it really sucks to be a black person in america right now, but even if you do get offer a job, the first thing you think is how bad tid the white people (~bleep ) up to have to hire me? best of luck to jason wright because football is the only sport trying to play with fans in the stands and no bubble during covid. so if the league shuts down, you know people are going to try to blame him. i'm just saying, the league never set down before when there was a white team president. it can't be a coincidence! on to news about climate change. should be no surprise 2020 is on course to be the hottest year on record. i mean, basically, every year

now is hotter than the year before it. you know, in the same way every hemsworth brother is hotter than the one before it. is that right or is it the other way around. over the weekend the temperature hit a different record. and this one will really make you sweat. >> one part of the country is taking heat and could be a record. death valley national park which is split between california and nevada recorded a high temperature of 130 degrees yesterday. it needs to be verified, but if it is, it will be the hottest temperature recorded on earth since 1913. the previous record was also recorded in death valley. >> trevor: goddam, 130 degrees! see, this is when i like that americans use fahrenheit because, in the rest of the world, people use celsius, but a scorching 54 doesn't have the same ring to it. 130 degrees! 54. and death valley is a great name for a place that's 130 degrees.

as terrible name in terms of real estate development. who would name that? they need to call it d-val. build a couple of coffee shops and condos, hipsters would be there in a month. this is all a sign we are in a climate crisis, people. while the rest of the world wants to slow climate change, the trump administration looks at record temperatures and say, eh, let's try and beat it. >> trump administration tried to finalize plans to open up the arctic wildlife refuge. will allow leasing on the 1.6 coastal plain and marks a major step towards reviving fossil fuel development inen a area that's been untouched for three decades. >> trevor: untouched for three decades. for a second, i thought they were talking mike pence. that's right. with just a few months left in his term, trump is about to let oil and gas companies go nuts in a pristine wildlife refuge.

it's almost hike he knows he's not getting the security deposit back on the country so he might as well see how much he can wreck on his way out. this might be the first time trump destroyed the property value of a place without putting his name on it first. arctic wildlife is the best. why would you do this? penguins, polar bears, seals! they're magical! why not drill in a sucky wildlife like a mosquito preserve? and we still have a few years before many parts of the planet become uninhabitable. this is a worldwide epidemic. but there is some good coronavirus news today a medical breakthrough brought to you by the n.b.a. >> the f.d.a. has approved an emergency use authorization for a saliva-based covid 19 test developed by yale university. the test known as saliva direct has been used on n.b.a. players

and staff and according to yale, it's simply, less expensive and less invasive. >> the n.b.a. and players union came together to donate more than $500,000 to yale for the research that led to the test. >> trevor: that's right, the n.b.a. has funded a corona test where all you have to do is spit in a cup. though knowing the n.b.a., they probably have someone standing next to the cup trying to block you. but this is huge. the united states desperately needs for testing to get the pandemic under control. and a simple test where you can just spit into a tube could change everything. it's much easier than the test where you have to tickle your doctor, you know. actually, i'm starting to wonder, was that guy a real docket? it was weird we met under a bridge. huh. but this is why i always say, people, it is so much better to get diseases later than earlier. you know i always say that. i mean, if you got covid in january, you had to do the more painful test where they put the

thing up your nose, but now all you have to do is spit. like if you got measles back in the day, you died. but if you get it today, you get an anti-vaxer asking you if you took the shot. new zealand was the first country to declare itself coved-free. but after three months of no corona, the land of hobbits is back in emergency mode. >> overseas, the prime minister of new zealand delayed the national election for ant four weeks after 50 people were infected in auckland, the country's biggest city. before that, new zealand had gone more than 100 days without community spread. >> trevor: new zealand is now delaying its national election by four weeks because ofen outbreak of 50 people. i know 50 people doesn't sound like a lot, but that's like a third of their population. that i have 150 people and 20 million sheep. this is the one difference between america and other countries. other countries are loose with their election laws.

they're, like, yeah, let's do the election in a month, we can delay it. america doesn't play those games. america treats election laws like god told them directly to thomas jefferson -- elections must be the first tuesday after the first monday of november! never in december! because that's my son's birthday. not january or february, it's, like, really cold. march is for basketball, we all know that. april is for fools. ha, ha, ha, get it? and then in may, that's like summer and we don't do shit in summer, so i'm thinking november. what do you think, tommy? at the same time, america's system really protects democracy. because if you have laws that are too loose and get the wrong leader like, say, donald trump, which i know would never happen, can cause chaos. because best believe if donald trump could postpone the elections because of coronavirus, he would be testing through the roof! he'd probably tend to get coronavirus every single month.

>> guys, i'm afraid we're going to have to postpone the election for two more years because, like, you know that feeling when you're not sick but you're going to be sick? that's totally me right now, sickish but not but totally sometimes could be. okay, bye-bye. when we come back, michael kosta tries to sneak on to an indian reservation and i will be speaking to man they called the biden whisperer. stick

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with a minty-flavored dark chocolate delicious twist. new kit kat duos mint and dark chocolate. have a break, have a kit kat. six months into the start of the pandemic, the coronavirus is still rampaging across the united states. but now a group of real americans is fighting back. michael kosta has more. >> as america debates whether we should enter another lockdown,

there's still one maskless utopia where patriots can shop where they want, catch fireworks with the president and even attend the largest gathering of people who wear let'ser in august. that's right. south dakota. >> we took a unique path. we haven't locked people up, we didn't order a statewide shelter in place. more freedom, not more government is the answer. >> but some locals aren't happy with the governor's lack of rules and are take things into their own latex covered hands. >> the cheyenne river tribe set up nine checkpoints along roads and haste that lead into the reservation to protect people against covid 19 but sparked disagreements. >> the governor wants the checkpoint removed and is using her power to get it done. that's not sitting well with chairman harold frazier. chairman, you're still staying closed. is that because you hate freedom? >> no. no, we don't hate freedoms.

we've got to protect our people, and that's smagt that we value more than anything is our human life. >> is my life worth living if i can't get the twiced baked potato from applebys? >> naturally safety is the most important thing. right now these checkpoints is one of the best weapons we have to try to control this virus. >> i've heard enough. time to hit the road and see these checkpoints for myself. i'm calling to the checkpoint. let's say i'm a trucker. >> where are you going? >> boise. 30 cattle in the back. >> have you ever been exposed to covid 19? >> no. >> thank you. you have a safe trip. have a good day. >> wait a minute, is that it? >> yeah, we've always allowed commercial travel to come through. >> seems simple, frankly. >> motorists could probably be at a checkpoint a minute to a minute and a half. >> i'm giving you a tougher one.

going to disneyland. got the kids with me. what's th the stopping more? >> where are you from? >> florida, ironically. >> okay. you are going to disneyland coming from florida? >> yep. >> okay, well, sorry to inform you, but you're going to have to turn around. >> why is that, sir? >> you are coming from a hot spot and you are unable to travel through a reservation. >> did i say florida? i meant to say -- costa rica. hang on! i'm going to gun it! >> what is your name, sir? >> bill. >> you've got a last name? >> yeah, "of rights." ever heard of it? bill of rights. why am i being stopped here? >> we have a checkpoint and a huge concern of covid 19. >> corona 19. psht! >> right now we have a program to do tracing.

>> i didn't know follow the program in my grandma's nursing home so i'm sure as shit not going to follow your program, old man. rest in peace, grandma. >> mr. rights, sorry to inform you you are going to have to reroute your destination. you're being uncooperative. so thank you and have a good day. >> with just 19 active cases on the reservation, the checkpoints seemed to be working but bootleg sarah palin said they will have to come down or she'll take them to court. but the tribe's lawyers say the sioux don't have to do shit. >> when the government said shut down the checkpoint she had no legal leg to stand on so we refused. when we refused, she told on us to the white house, they threatened to take down our checkpoints. there were numerous people at every level of the federal government that had their finger in this so we sued them. >> you sued the federal government? >> yes. >> it's like you got in afying

in the school yard and she went home and called her dad. >> yes. >> then you sued her dad. >> that's right. >> threats from the federal government haven't been enough to deter the sioux because they're protect bid a concept known as "tribal sovereignty." >> sovereignty is our inherent power to govern ourselves as tribal people. >> when i enter a reservation, i'm not a member of a tribe, do i have to follow tribal law or federal government law? >> there is, unfortunately, a confusing array of which laws apply on indian reservations. >> can i have breakfast for dinner? >> cuff breakfast for dinner? i'm going to say yes, i will allow it. >> can i practice medicine without a license? >> you may not. >> can i wear socks with sandal also. >> you probably better not. >> seem to be a little ambiguity on these tough questions. >> there are some restrictions and limits and, you know, what's very interesting to note is that, you know, we started out

with a full range of sovereign authority and, over the years, we've lost much of our land, our culture has been harmed. but thisfying that we're having against the united states in this checkpoint issue, we're on ththe offense. >> it's tough to fight the federal government -- unlimited resources, unlimited lawyers. do you really think you're going to win? >> yes, i do think we're going to win. the federal government doesn't want to (~bleep ) with us because they're afraid of indians, and they should be. >> i learned a lot on this journey, first of all, don't (~bleep ) with indians. can i say that? two, if keep you can people safe is un-american, maybe we should all try to be a little more un-american. lastly -- >> where are you from? >> damn it, harold! >> trevor: thank you so much, michael. when we come back, i'll be talking to the man many say is the reason joe biden won the nomination. congressman jim clyburn. so stay tuned. hike!

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south carolina congressman and democratic majority whip jim clyburn. we talked about kamala harris being on the ticket and what's really going on with the u.s. postal service. congressman clyburn, welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> thank you so much for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much for taking the time at what is one of the busiest period for top democrats all around the country. first things first, many people refer to you as the biden whisperer, and you are the person credited with turning his fortune around and helping him secure south carolina and then moving him to victory onwards from there. did you whisperer anything to him about choosing kamala harris? >> well, i whispered to him about what he should do in determining who his running mate should be. i did answer whatever questions he asked of me. i gave him positives and minuses about maybe a dozen people, and

she was one of them. i told him on one occasion my head says this and my heart says something else, but it's got to be your head and your heart, and you need to make that decision so i never gave him one over the other. >> now that kamala harris is the pick, what does your head and your heart say? >> she, i believe, complements him better than anybody else. he is a very compassionate person, and she is a very passionate person. she has the kind of debating skills that i think will be needed in this campaign. biden knows policy, and he's good on policy, but biden is not the kind of debater that kamala is, and that's what you need in a v.p. candidate, someone who can go toe to toe not just

against the other v.p., but against the policies that are being dictated. so i think she'so out there on policy the way that's going to drive donald trump nuts. ( laughter ) >> trevor: one thing that has to happen, though, in order for the democrats to win this election is people have to come out and vote. one thing that's been really interesting is, when people are polled, you know, a lot of people said they're not excited for joe biden, but they definitely want to vote against donald trump. you know, joe biden is seen as a pragmatic choice as opposed to a pga passionate choing. do you think kamala harris shifts that? i know you don't speak for all black people, but for someone who has black roots within the community, do you think kamala harris will come out and vote for biden in a way they didn't for hillary? >> i think she does a good job in moving the needle on that quite a bit, maybe not where it

needs to go, but i believe, in this campaign, when these two conventions are over, we'll be over thursday night, the republicans will have theirs over by next week, and by labor day i think you will see people moving to joe biden on policy rather than just to be against trump. yes, trump has given us all we need to vote against. i am working very closely with my good friend sedric richmond who is co-chair of the campaign and my protege in the congress and we are looking at how to make this campaign one about biden. we want people to vote for biden, and we're going to give them the reasons they should vote for biden. they already have enough reasons to vote against trump. >> trevor: let's talk about the voting. i know you have been passionate for most of your life about voting rights. america is in a scary place right now, congressman, where

the november election is looming, coronavirus doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and the post office seem like it may not be able to fulfill the needs of mail-in voters across the country. looking at new zealand, do you see any future or possibility where america says they will move the date of the election or do you think that's something that is fundamentally un-american? >> that is fundamentally un-american and it cannot be done. congress sets the time for elections to take place. now, that has been set for the tuesday after the first monday in november, and that's what it is, and this president can do nothing about that. i can declare some kind of an emergency, take us to war or something. i hope he's got enough sense not to do something like that. so i think the elections will be on november 3. but what i have been saying to

my democratic friends, that we ought to declare, if not officially, we ought to declare amongst ourselves election month. october ought to be election month, and we ought to dedicate ourselves to doing the things that are necessary to get people to the polls. this president says he's all for absentee voting. he's just against mail-in voting. absentee voting starts in most cases 30 days out. in south carolina on october 5, people will start voting absentee. now, we have been leaving it up to people to do it on their own. this time, we ought to create the mechanism during the month of october to get people voted absentee. so i have been asking my friends and my party to dedicate this election year to john r. lewis and demonstrate election activities throughout the month of october. >> trevor: so let me propose a

horrible scenario that america has to consider -- what if people do vote early? what if those votes get collected by the post office but then they're not delivered in time to the places they need to be delivered to and what if those votes are now not counted by the -- they're not going to count them if they don't come in by election day? you could have hundreds of thousands or even millions of votes that could shift the election that are not going to be part of the election. do you think that that's worth not moving an election or do you have a plan in place for what happens if the post office doesn't follow through on what people hope it will achieve? >> i do have a plan in place and it's cop idea from the state of colorado. the state of colorado, i think, has the best plan going, and it's not relying on the post office. people who want to use the post office, fine, you can, but it's putting ballot boxes around town in various places, and it's getting people to vote in person, absentee but in person.

so, yes, we could get around that. sure, we need to keep the post office going, because i think this thing with the post office is about more than just voting. i think this president is camouflaging this activity. remember, the post office has been with us before we ever had a constitution. that's how it got wrapped into the constitution, and the post office, i always say, is the thread -- the main thread that keeps the fabric of this country together, and if we pull that thread out of the fabric, it comes apart. we have as our motto in this country eeplur by eeplur bysplue this country as one. that's why we need to make sure

we do not allow the postal service, and i emphasize service, to go awry. this is not about making a profit. that's why the post office is a service and not a business. businesses exist to make a profit. government should not exist to make a profit but to give service. profit, yes for business. but for government, give service. >> trevor: you are one of the speakers who is going to be speaking on the first night of the d.n.c. which will be a very different democratic national convention than the ones we're used to. what are you hoping people will take away from your speech tonight? >> well, the subject of my speech is all about unity, why we have to maintain unity in this country. we are in pursuit of building a more perfect union. not a perfect union, but a more

perfect unite. i often talk about churchill and his description of this country who says america is not great because it is more enlightened than any other nation but because it has always been able to repair its faults. so what i want to say to america tonight, we have opened up some fault lines in this country. we need to know what they are. we need to do better about healthcare for our children, about education for our children. we know what the fault lines are. let's go about the business of repairing those faults. that's what i'm going to be talking about tonight, and i'm going to be doing it from my congressional district and from charleston, south carolina. >> trevor: well, congressman clyburn, i know you have a very busy schedule, so i appreciate you taking the time. thank you for joining us on the show. >> thank you very much for having me. >> trevor: >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. but, before we go, there are a lot of groups out there right now working to protect and advance voting rights for the

elections in november. one of them is the alliance for youth organizing, which is a national network of local youth-led organizations mobilizing people to vote. if you can help them and would like to join in their cause, please visit the link below, and donate what you can. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, wash your hands, and, if you're a mailbox -- watch out, they're coming for you! and, now, here it is -- your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> looks like kind of something out of willie wonky. >> my favorite movie back in the day. >> this is opposite of that. we're talking green beans, roasted turkey, cranberry sauce, ginger glazed carrots, all the things you like to eat at thanksgiving, so it keeps the thanksgiving tradition alive. >> oh, oh! >> the new thanksgiving day candy. no? ( laughter ) >> can i spit now? >> okay, well -- here you go. that's not social distancing. ( laughter )

nor will there ever be wrong, with any sabre printers. case closed. [telephone rings] michael scott, as seen on tv. - [high-pitched voice] i saw you on the news, and i want to pinch your tiny wiener. it's packer! - oh! pack-man, i thought you were a girl. apparently, there are allegations that sabre printers can cause a fire... so they asked me to give a statement to the press. i'm like, "what? all right." so i do it. it's on tv last night. and it's in the paper today, and it's online. and then i call froggy 98.7, their request line, and i talk to the host about it on the air. it's like, come on, people, enough. everybody, we are at defcon 5. i am officially the second most watched clip of the day on the wbre news site.