>> trevor: hey, everybody! welcome to "the daily social distancing show." i'm trevor noah. today is friday, august 21, and here's your quarantine tip of the day: if you're still afraid to get a hair united states cut all you should do is tell people you're growing your hair out as a form of protest. you look woke, and no one has to know you're a little bitch. anyway, tonight, we're going to cover all the highlights from the final night of the democratic national convention, including the a biden speech that was so strong, fox news almost forgot to do their nightly benghazi segment. then i'm going to be chatting to tracee ellis ross about her show "black-ish." so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> announcer: from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show "presents, the

democratic national convention. electing america's first black president's friend." >> trevor: the final night of the democratic national convention gave air time to rising democratic politicians who hadn't made appearances yet, from pete buttigieg, to tammy duckworth, to keisha lance bottoms. everyone got a chance to speak. they also made space for michael bloomberg, democratic sugar daddy and bruce wayne who never became batman. bloomberg used his speech to continue his years-long beef with donald trump, and then apparently, started a new beef with a fly. and some people wondered why bloomberg didn't swat the fly away, but in his defense, bloomberg has probably never even seen a fly. he only knows about rich-people insects, like junebugs and gold-plated beetles. but you see, my friends, this is what happens when you remove steve bannon from the ecosphere. he stops eating flies, and they immediately get out of control.

and if you're a fan of those quarantine reunion specials, where the stars of our favorite old movies and tv shows get together to reminisce, well, then you're in luck, because the d.n.c. brought back the cast of the democratic primary. >> i am very excited to present to you a group of people that ran in the 2020 democratic primary against joe biden. you can think of this sort of like "survivor" of the out interviews of all the people who got voted off the island. ( laughter ) >> do you remember the steak fry, when we were waiting to go on? and he pulled me aside at one point, and he pointed to somebody who we both knew who was working on my campaign and let me know that that was somebody who had gone through a family tragedy that joe somehow knew about and just thought it was important for me to know that about someone who was working with me. >> the magic of joe biden is that everything he does becomes the new reasonable. if he comes with an ambitious plan to address climate change, all of a sudden, everyone's going to follow his lead.

>> trevor: this is why i love americans-- you people don't hold grudges! because if this was a bunch of africans who lost a presidential nomination, trust me on this, they'd be trying to zoom the military to start a coup. "we will storm the palace and get revenge " i'm on mute. can you hear me?" i actually really hope they do this loser zoom thing at the republican convention next week, because i'd love to see trump's former rivals reminiscing about the times he humiliated them or called their wives ugly, and then they backed him anyway, and then their souls died. aaah, good times. but, of course, the only part of last night that really mattered was joe biden's big acceptance speech. and because donald trump has spent months trying to portray biden as a senile old man who can barely string a few words together, the stakes for this speech were especially high. but biden rose to the occasion. >> we have a great purpose as a nation, to open the doors of opportunity to all americans, to save our democracy, to be a light to the world once again.

for love is more powerful than hate. hope is more powerful than fear. light is more powerful than dark. this is our moment. this is our mission. and this is a battle we will win and we'll do it pentagon. i promise you. so, it is with great honor and humility that i accept this nomination for president of the united states of america. >> trevor: i'm not going to lie. watching biden give this speech was nerve-wracking. it was like watching "the quiet place" -- one wrong step, and the whole thing is over. but, honestly, he nailed it. he showed strength. he showed emotion. he made a powerful case for a more united america. and i actually think that trump did biden the biggest favor by making it seem like he was incompetent and senile. i mean, the bar was set super low. as soon as america saw biden had his jacket on the right way, they were ready to give him a standing ovation. biden speaking in complete sentences was just the icing on

the cake. and last night also reminded us how different these candidates are. i mean, you've got the presidential candidate who casually quotes danish philosophers and irish poets. and then you've got the president whose morning read is the back of a cereal box. "you're right, tony, they are great. not as great as america, but so great!" and, honestly, i also think it helped that biden got to give the speech to an empty room. you know, because a live audience can add pressure. people applauding can throw off your rhythm. sometimes there's a weirdo in the audience. you'll see a guy dressed as shrek, and you'll just fixate on it. and it's hard to talk about health care when you're actually wondering, "why is this guy dressed like shrek? is shrek a metaphor for something? is he at the wrong event? maybe there's a shrek sex festival in town?" the point is, i think the no-crowd thing probably helped biden. so that was the 2020 democratic national convention. and like all conventions, they they had a lot to cover.

explaining various policies, nodding to various voting blocs, speaking just enough but not too much spanish. and, of course, showing those videos where one person start a sentence ...but another person punishes the sentence. >> trevor: but ultimately, there was one overall theme of the week: >> i know joe. he is a profoundly decent man. >> joe biden is a decent man. >> decent man. joe biden is a decent man. >> decent man. >> decent. >> trevor: yes, "decent" is a word that came up over and over throughout this convention, which really is only a compliment if you say it the right way. ( serious ) "he is decent." ( dismissive ) "eh, he's decent." and that was the main thing that the democrats wanted to get across. you don't have to have a president who only cares about people if they have a boat or a felony conviction. no, you could have an actual human being who feels empathy for other human beings. and it wasn't just politicians attesting to biden's decentness. the convention heard from a lot of everyday people, from a security guard who biden stopped to talk to in an elevator, to a man biden befriended when they

were both lifeguards as teenagers, and a rabbi who recalled biden showing up at a woman's memorial service because she had once donated $18 to his campaign. but the highlight was probably last night's testimonial from a 13-year-old with a stutter. >> without joe biden, i wouldn't be talking to you today. about a few months ago, i met him in new hampshire. he told me that we were members of the same club. we stutter. he told me about a book of poems by yates he would read out loud to practice. he showed me how he marks his addresses to make them easier to say out loud. i am just a regular kid, and in a short amount of time, joe biden made me feel more confident about something that's bothered me my whole life. >> trevor: man, brayden is so lucky. he got speech lessons from vice president joe biden, which

actually helped him improve! meanwhile, i made the mistake of getting speech lessons from president obama, and it took me.... four hours.... to order a pizza.... with pepperoni. so the one thing this convention wanted to leave viewers with is that joe biden is a decent man who cares about others. and another thing that kept coming up over and over again, is that biden will take the time to talk to you on the phone whether he knows you or not. >> i remember i called my grandmother, and i said, "joe biden is walking by." and she goes "oh, my god. oh, my god, put him on." >> he talked to me for the next half hour. >> if you give him your cell phone number... >> he is going to call it. >> i remember one night when i was giving one of those floor speeches, and i walked out of there, and the cellphone rings. and you know who it was? it was joe biden. >> my phone rang, and it was the vice president. >> i called her, "someone wants to talk to you." "hi, grammy. this is joe biden." >> how often does he call you? >> (in unison): like, every day. >> yeah, every day. >> i don't necessarily pick up

every day, but i have a lot of voicemails. >> trevor: i see what's happening here: joe biden's grandkids want him to be president just so he has less time to keep them on the phone. because, goddamn, joe biden calls a lot of people. no wonder he sometimes has a hard time remembering small details. this guy has memorized the entire phone book. in fact, he calls so many people, when i was watching this convention, i started to get self-conscious. i'm like, huh, why haven't i had a phone call from biden? am i a bad person? does he hate me? am i on airplane mode? i must be on airplane mode. most of the time it's airplane mode. that's why people don't call me. joe biden spends so much time calling people on the phone, i'm starting to wonder what kind of phone plan he uses. and it turns out, there's one specifically for him. >> at t-mobile we have multiple plans with unlimited calling. but what if unlimited is still too limited? introducing the joe biden infinite calling plan for former

vice presidents who are constantly calling everyone. >> i met joe biden once at a campaign event and told him i was getting married the next summer. then he actually calleddous our wedding day to congratulate us. for six hours. we actually missed the ceremony. but still it was-- it was sweet. >> with our biden plan, your phone has access to our 5g network and your contacts come prefiled with the phone numbers of all 7 billion people on earth. >> when my son's gold fish died joe biden called to advise me how to console him. up to that point i had never met joe biden or even knew who he was. but thanks to joe's advice my son and i have never been closer and he has no idea i killed his gold fish. >> call up today and you can get a second phone line for twice the infinite calling. >> last week joe biden called me to comfort me about my broken leg. i didn't have any idea what he was talking about. then the next week i fell down the stairs and broke my leg.

he was comforting me from the future. >> look, it's really sweet, but sometimes i just have to go ( buzzing ) look, it's him. hey, joe! we're doing great, just like yesterday! >> the biden plan for the man who can't stop, won't stop calling. >> trevor: all right, we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll see what the convention looked like on fox news. and later, we'll be talking to tracee ellis ross, so stick around. at olive garden it's easier than ever to enjoy what you love from us in the comfort of your own home. order and pay on our app or at ogtogo.com. choose from all your favorites like fettuccine alfredo or soup, salad and breadsticks.

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but i also wanted to watch the d.n.c. the way president trump does-- on fox news. and based on how trump's fox friends reacted to joe biden's speech, i suspect he wasn't very happy last night. >> joe biden just hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth. >> he had pace, rhythm, energy, emotion, and delivery. >> it was a good speech, i'll give him that. it was very emotional. >> it was the best he's been as far as his delivery. >> everyone's looking for him to flub up a line, and he really didn't. he delivered it well. >> portraying himself as a unifier who would bring the country together-- he did so, i thought, very effectively. >> it seems to me that after tonight, donald trump is going to have to run against a candidate, not a caricature. >> he did beat expectations, don. >> trevor: yes, after joe biden's speech last night, most anchors on fox admitted that he did a good job. and that's impressive, because fox news never praises democrats. if obama saved a bunch of kids from a burning orphanage, their angle would be, "why are

democrats taking our children's right to burn?" i mean, did you see don jr.? he got so sad when laura ingram said biden beat expectations. look at him. that's the same look he gave that russian lady in trump tower when she said she didn't have dirt on hillary. but don't get it twisted. just because fox praised biden, doesn't mean they've suddenly turned into msnbc. i mean, they still came with fire for biden's v.p. >> kamala harris' acceptance speech was about as electric as the state of california right now. >> i didn't think that was very rousing. >> i thought there was a lot of democratic boilerplate. >> i'm not sure she came across last night as somebody who is ready to step quickly into the president's shoes. >> that is a blood-on-your-hands speech-- really nasty and very personal. >> i have to say, i thought it was a pedestrian speech. >> that was the most dull, boring, uninspiring acceptance speech i've ever heard. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa!

"the most boring acceptance speech?" i mean, sure, it wasn't "training day" but you guys are acting like you never heard of mike pence. do you remember his speech from the r.n.c.? do you remember what he said? no. you know why? because every mike pence speech when he talks somehow the room gets more silent. i get why fox news thinks most speeches are going to be boring. they spend all day watching a lunatic tell people to inject bleach, pose with goya beans, and call his porn-star mistress a horseface. at this point, the moon landing would be too boring for fox news. but the truth is, since kamala got the nomination, fox has been attacking her from every possible angle. and to get a better sense of how fox news is trying to define kamala harris we asked our very own desi lydic to watch the network nonstop and explain it to you us. >> i have been watching fox news for 64 hours straight, and i

think i know everything about kamala harris. kamala harris is a radical communist center from california. she is going to turn the entire country into san francisco. i hope you like couscous. it will be the only legal sidefish. they want you to think kamala harris is a mainstream. she attended socialism university and majored in-- ban assault weapons from hospitals and make it legal for immigrants to play in the n.f.l. you want to know something else about campbell soup harris? she never once clapped when the airplane lands. in this country, we stand and applaud for our jetblue pilots? call maury harris supports the green new deal. you have a car? guess what? you'll be forced to put one of the coexist stickers on it. you're not fooling anybody kamala harris. what is she angry about? i hate angry women! why has she still not released obama's college transcript. what is her skin care are you tine. how can we trust kamala harris?

she's a cop who wants to defund the police, meaning she would stop existing because she needs indian to survive. she is half jamaica an and half windian. say hello to sipping a mango latte at a bobsled competition. that sound pretty good. forget i said anything. >> trevor: thank you so much, desi, for your sacrifice. all right, we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, dulce sloan drags out the vote with some help from rupaul's top queens. stick around. >> we have a presidential nominee for one of the major parties in this country. and the bar that is set is he can deliver a speech from a teleprompter without really flubbing the lines. that's it. that's the bar for joe biden. >> this treaty threatened your... subjugate... and you know exactly what's going on here. >> it's hard to screw up a prepared speech like this where you're reading from the teleprompter. >> while the social...

and socialist... democrats. >> he managed to read a speech on a teleprompter. >> and to avoid liability, shifting production to thigh-land. >> the speech last night, reading a speech on a teleprompter is one thing. >> americans will never fire or tire in our effort. >> the bar had been set so low, that if he could put a couple of paragraphs together it would be a triumph. >> they stared down the invasion and... the held that they had to endure. the fact is, they held like nobody could have held before. >> ultimately reading off of a teleprompter is not all that difficult of an exercise. >> our army mandy-- it ranked the ramparts. it took over the airports. it took over the airports. it did everything it had to do. right now, switch to t-mobile and get four lines of unlimited for just $25 bucks a line. with access to america's largest 5g included.

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oh, teddy. did you get my friend request? uh, i'll have to check. (doorbell ringing) aunt joni's here! for bundling made easy, go to geico.com. hello? daily social distancing show." even in presidential election years, americans don't vote in high numbers, and no one really knows why. but what if the reason is that voting just isn't glamorous enough? dulce sloan spoke to some people who are trike to fix it. >> as much as the conventions are a chance to win voters over,

the real point is to pump up people to vote. and no one knows pumps better than these queens. hoping to turn out more votes in their own way. you might have seen these fabulous ladies strutting their stuff on the latest season of "rupaul's drag race." but now they're here on a mission, to get people to vote. so first things first. who is tuck right now? >> absolutely not. >> oh, god no. >> it's unnecessary roughness in these crazy times. >> the illusion is that i am tucked. >> stand up, heidi. show them. ( laughter ) >> if you're untucked and i'm untucked, which means this bra is out of here! >> yeah! >> yeah! >> free! >> let loose. >> now that my ladies were free it was time to move from

liberation to representation. you all know we've been hearing from a lot of real people during these conventions, but so far, we haven't heard from drag queens. >> because they didn't us, girl! ( laughter ). >> i think i would definitely give shows at the convention. i think it's very important to be a leader within our community. and did you know that one out of five l.g.b.t.q.i.a. people in our country are not registered to vote? we could reach a lot of people. one out of 5 is a lot of ( bleep ) people. >> that's like "queer eye" without anthony. why is that? >> i think people don't think it's important and 100 million people did not vote in the last presidential election, which is-- which is wild! 100 million! girl. >> you can't line up to buy an iphone unless you show your "i voted" sticker. >> yes. >> and no matter what side of the aisle you fall on, it will affect you. >> it's called the circle of

life, momma. everything affects us all, soy we are in this together. if you want better schools you have to vote. if you want better roads you have to vote. if you want to make sure our transgender brothers and sisters are going to be taken care you have to vote to make sure these things are happening because our rights are being taken away so we have to make sure to vote to make sure they aren't. >> drag queens are always been political activists throughout history. they were at stonewalls, the sisters of perpetual indulligence, helped fight him i.v. in the 80s and carried on the founding fathers tradition of wearing wigs. >> i'm the cochair of "drag out the vote." what we're doing is getting all these drag ambassadors and we're sending them out with social media content, videos, p.s.a. scripts, resources for voter registration, and more, honey. we're doing shows, and we're getting people excited about voting. >> if you are excited about something, people will start to

feel that excitement. it's, like, contagious. no coronavirus here, but it's very contagious. >> we can pull an all-nighter, then we can go to the polls. we'll have a little party. >> chicken wings. >> the poll party. >> ho out the vote. ( laughter ). >> that is-- that is a campaign i think people could get behind. let's go back a bit. you said something about becoming drag ambassador. so how does one become that? >> yeah, why you-- you want to be a drag queen? >> well, i mean, if you're looking. i don't really have anything prepared. well, maybe this one character i've been working on. >> oh! >> she gives character. >> you all ready? >> yes isn't. >> yes! >> da-da-da-da! i am kitty dplitter. >> oh. >> errrr! >> look over there!

♪ ♪ >> perhaps my drag concept did need some work. but i was in luck. >> i'm going to get you ready, honey. >> if i was going to drag out the vote, i needed my drag mothers to help me get ready. >> more blurb, more blush. give us a little more fish face. >> there it is, there it is! ( coughing ) >> oh! woman! >> so, how do you look? >> now that's drag, momma. >> now that my face was ready it was time to shoot my first p.s.a. as a drag ambassador. hi, this is flirt enth amendment here. i want you to tuck your vote into that ballot box. and why should you register to vote? it's the best way to use your voice. ♪ ♪ ( glass breaking ). >> vote, vote, vote.

>.vote, vote, vote, vote. ♪ ♪ >> my name is britta filter, and i approved this message! >> trevor: thank you so much, dulcey. when we come back, we'll wrap up the democratic national convention with tracee ellis ross. stay tuned. trolli. [bag crinkling] ♪ welcome to our land hey!♪ ♪ sorry about your hand ♪ but it's better in here, ya it's fun in here ♪ ♪ trolli, trolli, trolli ♪ trolli.

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backgrounds like this on zoom and you have it in really life. >> i did it this morning. i wanted to have something special for you, trevor. so i got to participating. a little paint on my nails, but i'm good, you know. >> trevor: i feel like you are good. i feel like there are people who have found a way to still look after themselves during this pandemic. like, there are some of us who look like there is a pandemic, and there are some of us who have chosen to exist despite the pandemic, and i feel like you're one of those people. on instagram i'm like, wow. she still looks amazing. what are you doing that's different from the ret of us? >> nothing, nothing. trying to make sense of this. i do think i thrive in a pandemic. i am good with isolation. displ that's what it is. >> yup. i-- i love cooking. >> trevor: there you have it. >> i don't think that month floors is the best use of me, but i am really good at it. you know, i don't know. there's been a lot of-- a lot of conditioning of the hair. i mean, i have not stopped

working-- i don't know about you. we know you have not stopped working. but people keep saying,"i'm so bored." and i'm like, "can you get me an invitation to this town called boredom? i don't know where it is and i want to get there." >> trevor: i do owe you an apology. >> i know. >> trevor: last time you were on the show we talked about your new hair caroline, and i said i don't have hair and can't use it and i didn't take any from you and now i have more hair than i ever thought i would have and i don't have any of your product. >> i'm going to send you a package because i see all of that gorgeous hair and that will do you well. i don't know how in your busy schedule you have time, but i know you bathe-- i don't want to make any assumptions but i hope you're still bathing. >> trevor: i am bathing. and i will take it. i will take all of the products to help me 'fro. congratulations on yet another

emmy nomination. you're back in the mix again with "black-ish" again. i know you spent many years of your acting career feeling snubbed by the industry. i don't know. maybe i'm putting words in your mouth. but it feels like there was a time, not just yourself, but other actors and actresses who acted in black sitcoms or black shows there were people who said, "that's not mainstream." does this feel like the payback? does this erase some of the bad memories from back in the day? >> well, i'm going to change your language, because we know what titles go out. i do not feel snubbed by the industry. >> trevor: okay, well played. i understand what you're doing. i understand. >> i do not. but there was definitely a-- i was not seen by certain parts of the industry. ( laughter ) that is true. i will give you one of the best expressions that was given to my publicity when i wanted to go on "the tonight show," it was,

like, the fourth year on "girlfriends." had been on for four years. and they said, "oh, my god, we love tracee. call us when she gets something." and i was like, give me some clues. what kind of "something" are we talking about. i have been a lead on a show that's on the air was going to work. but tell me what i need to get because i'm going to try to get there. so, yeah, i feel like four-time emmy nominee, i do trust. i have a golden globe. it's all working out just fine. i did not actually have complaints then. i just knew that i had the-- like, you know, when you're an actor, you grow up dreaming of -- >> right, right, right. >> the emmys, the oscars. so it's really fun to be there and be here now. i mean, i have to tell you, though, trevor, as excited as i am to be nominated for an emmy and as much as i genuinely hope i win, most important to me is that people vote.

and fill out their census. if that is-- if that is the silver lining to this, if people get out and vote, i will feel like i have won. >> trevor: so, let me ask you this: so if somebody said to you, if a fairy came and said, "you will not win the emmy, but then joe biden will win the presidency," what would you say? >> i would take not winning. >> trevor: okay. i like that you-- there was a mopt-- not a long pause. >> there was a-- there was a really quick, like, "trevor, this is a hard question." >> trevor: obviously, i know the answer to that question because you were at the d.n.c. you were one of the people who hosted one of the nights. and, i mean, it's-- it's been a weird convention. nobody thought it was going to be like this. nobody even knew what a convention could be. some have liked it more. i personally enjoyed it more. you got to see more people speaking. you got to see diversity not just the people on camera but

the places. why did you say yes to hosting at the d.n.c. dism what did you feel your responsibility was to be a part of this event? >> i'll start with the second. i felt my responsibility was to facilitate a conversation around engagement and participation. and to actually be-- i mean, you know, because you've hosted. i do a lot of hosting, and i feel like the job-- it's like the host of the party. you are the touch point for the audience. and i'm there to say, "here's where we're going. i've got you. we're good." the beauty of it, also, when you are in that position is you get a moment to speak up and to use your own voice, you know. i took-- i took the leap. i felt like it was-- it is and was a natural sort of progression of the way i use my voice. i'm very civically engaged and socially active. i am not so-- so versed in the political realm, but it reminds me of exactly what i've come to understand of how personal politics is. so it felt like-- it didn't feel

like such a stretch. and the truth is it felt luke a moment and a way that i could continue to show up for the greater good. and what we are in right now, which is a very unprecedented time. and i do believe that all elections are urgent, particularly for those that are marginalized and those that are the most vulnerable and experiencing the oppression of the systems of this country. but this election is particularly urgent, and i think that that was really expressed beautifully through michelle obama, barack obama, joe biden, and kamala at the d.n.c. and i agree with you, by the way. i thought it was particularly personal. like, the roll call, seeing everybody -- >> yeah, that was fun. that was fun. >> in that environment. it was so beautiful to me. i got very emotional at many moments. >> trevor: before i let you go let's talk a little bit about the movie. you-- you recently made a movie, which was meant to come out in

theaters, and then coronavirus happened, and then woe all got the movie at home. a movie called "the high note," where it was really interesting because you played a super star, pop star, right, in the world. what i found most interesting, though, was you singing. >> yeah. >> trevor: i-- i don't know if i just missed this, but i didn't-- i didn't-- i didn't know that you sing. i mean, you recorded a single, like-- is this a talent you've hidden from us purposefully or is this a new thing you discovered? >> it's something i always wanted to do but i was terrified. i have continued to do it. i haven't hidden it from myself. i don't know if it was conscious or unconscious it moved to the back burner. >> trevor: why were you terrified? >> well, my mother is diana ross. >> trevor: aaah! >> i worried, i worried, trevor, about the possible comparison, and it became this giant smoke-and-mirror monster of, "i can't do it! it's so scary!" and you know the longer you

wait, the older you get, the-- but it was really worth walking through the fear and towards that dream. i got to record five sorngz my first single-- which i just love saying. my first single called "i love myself" ended up on the adult contemporary chart and i made it to number 14. what are you talking about? >> trevor: are you kidding me! >> it's ridiculous. it's so-- i mean, i love it. i'm like, "can we add that to my bio? can we add that to my bio?" everyone i meet someone i say did you know i was on the adult contemporary singers. >> jon: you come from a world where diana voss your mother. you are singing. you come from a household where music was life. it was terrifying. was it liberating on the other side of it? >> yeah, i actually feel like when i watched the movie back, i was like that is what pure freedom and joy looks like. >> trevor: oh, wow. >> unbridled for me.

and once i made it through the scary part it was actually really fun, and i felt oddly at home for something i had never done before. i'm very comfortable on a stage, so the live singing we had to do for the movie on stage was exciting, but i've never really sung live on stage. the recording-- it all felt new, but i took to it very quickly. is perhaps it is in my d.n.a. and i'd love to keep doing it. i don't know, it was really cool. >> trevor: tracee ellis ross thank you so much for joining me on the show. >> thank you. it was good to see you. >> trevor: >> trevor: thank you, tracee. that's our show for tonight. but before we go: one of my favorite things about american politics is all of the polls. so many polls! this country has a poll for everything: who's winning among likely voters in swing states, which policies appeal to suburban millennials, which hogwarts house donald trump would be in-- obviously, the one where the 16-year-old girls are getting changed. that one. so we at the show thought, you know what?

why don't we do some polls? and so we did. "the daily show" teamed up with the professional polling firm "yougov," and yesterday, we released our very first poll: who do americans want as their next celebrity president? yeah, because donald trump can't do it forever-- hopefully-- and we can't go back to just an ordinary politician. that would be so boring. so we came up with a list of 257 politically active celebrities, and then "yougov" tested them with a representative sample of americans. and your top five choices for next celebrity president are: morgan freeman, denzel washington, tom hanks, samuel l. jackson, and dwayne "the rock" johnson. that's right, america is so freaked out, that the only white celebrity people will even consider from now on is tom hanks. which i get. the guy was able to make friends with a volleyball smeared with blood, so he should be able to work with mitch mcconnell right? surprisingly, the woman who did best in our poll was

judge judy. and i agree that she'd make a great president. she'd resolve any conflict so quick. ( as judge judy ) "syria, do you have the insurance bill? okay, let me see. shut up, turkey. shut up! i am not talking to you!" anyway, you can check out all the results and learn how we conducted the poll at yougov.com/thedailyshow. but for real, don't elect a celebrity again. we'll see you here all next week for the republican national convention! but first, here it is, your moment of zen. >> so nobody cares. i want to get that mosquito out of here. they'll say it's cruelty to animals. i don't-- no, it's true. they-- they have-- they were saying the other night, the shark. they were saying, sharks. we have to protect them. i say the wait a minute, wait. they actually was to remove all the seals in order to save the shark. i said, wait a minute, don't you have it the other way around? it's true. i'm not a big fan of sharks, either. i don't know how many votes am i going to lose?

- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪