water. - uh... too bad? - damn it, you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me. i may be a dolphin, but i'm also a lawyer. - you're a lawfin? - tickets, please. - we don't have tickets. - sorry, ma'am. no tickets. no entry. - look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees, and he's in serious danger. - what? - my scrotum. that dolphin has my scrotum. now, let us in. - you can't go in, ma'am. we have unauthorized entry on level 1. - all right, broflovski, you're going in next possession. - all right. [crackling] ow...hmm. - gerald, where's kyle? - what, why? - my balls are in his knees. if he jumps with them, they'll explode. - oh, my god. - there they are, next to that dolphin. - come on, we gotta get to those balls. [gunfire] - stop them! they didn't pay the $2 entry fee.

- now substituting for colorado, number four, kyle broflovski. - oh jesus. he's about to play. [gunfire] [grunting] - mrs. garrison, grab kyle. - which one is he? - arrrhhh. - ohhh. - hey, what the hell? - stop the game! ahhhh! - ohhh. - i got it. i got the ball. - kyle, no! - broflovski goes for the dunk. - no! - my baaaaaaalllllssssss! - aagh. [screams]

- so let me get this straight. that woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin. - yeah, that's basically it. - sounds like an open and shut case. all right, let's head 'em out. i'm sorry, kyle. i should i have told you the surgery was cosmetic only. - so does this mean i'm not really a dolphin? - let's get you two up to the clinic, and i'll change you back for a nominal fee. - but what about mr. garrison? he can't go back. - you know what, i'm okay. even though i'm not truly a woman, i think i still like the new me. i'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. hey, guys! this girl is staying a woman. who wants to pound my vag? girl power. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com

on, everybody? welcome to "the daily social distancing show. i'm trevor noah. today is thursday, september 10. if corona shut down your college and you had to move back home, not all is lost. just teach your parents the proper way to draw a dick on your face. that way when you wake up in the morning it will still feel like you are at school. trump goes into damage controlled over woodward tapes. ronny chieng says why chinese keep saying the "n" word. and talking to samuel l. jackson about projects he's work on and a bunch of other stuff. let's do this, people. welcome to "the daily social

distancing show. >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: let's kick things off with donald trump, the first president who's a nonessential worker. yesterday a tape dropped of an interview he did with bob woodward in february where he admitted he purposefully downplayed the risk of coronavirus. we know why, it's because he didn't want to spook his precious stock market. whoa, whoa, easy, girl. easy, gil. it's okay, nasdaq, everything's fine. you just keep going out, girl. now when normal people get caught on tape admitting they lied to an entire country, they usually apologize, but donald trump didn't become president by being normal, so yesterday he doubled down. >> did you mislead the public by saying that you downplayed the coronavirus and that you repeatedly did that in order to

reduce panic? did you mislead the public? >> well, i think if you said in order to reduce panic, perhaps that's. so the fact is i'm a cheerleader for this country, i love our country and i don't want people to be frightened, i don't want to create panic, as you say, and certainly i'm not going to drive this country or the world into a frenzy. we want to show confidence, we want to show strength, we want to show strength as a nation. >> trevor: you were a cheerleader? no, you're not a cheerleader, you're the coach! when you see your team teem is headed for a huge defeat, you come up with some plays, right? you don't stand on the sidelines waiving pom-poms and saying everything is going to be okay. look, trump, just because you spent time in cheerleaders' changing rooms doesn't mean you are one. i watched that netflix show and donald trump would not make it on the mat. cheerleaders is everything the president is not, they work as a team, are disciplined and most

importantly know how to spell words. the one up side of being stuck in this psychotic relationship with trump for the last four years is by now we've pretty much learned every pattern every trump scandal takes. trump steps into shit and trump comes out and explains he didn't actually step in shit or it wasn't shit or if the coastal elites got out of their bubble they'd recognize stepping in shit is the most american thing you can do. this time is no different, as fox news quickly rallied to trump's corner to explain why lying to america as a deadly pandemic was the right move all along. >> the president was saying don't fear, he was calm and confident because he didn't want to create a panic. >> i thought that was fine and dandy. you're trying to run the country, you're offering leadership. >> when a doctor sees a spot on your x-ray, he doesn't run in and say, my god, you have cancer! you're going to die! he says, hold on a second, this could be dense tissue, we want to look at it again.

>> think about it, during the depression it was d.f.r. who had fire side chats to calm america. you look at something president obama tweeted out on march 4t march 4th, and he had the same message about president trump about calm down. he said protect yourself and your community from coronavirus are common sense precautions, wash your hands, stay home when sick, listen to c.d.c.governor and local health authorities, let's stay calm. sound familiar? let's listen to the expert and follow lines. >> trevor: that obama tweet isn't proving what the you think it is. it's an example of how a president can keep people calm while being realistic. the complaint is not that trump wanted to keep people calm, it's downplaying the virus part. crazy as it may seem, lots of people in america actually believe the things president trump says. so when trump comes out and declares the deep state made up

corona to ruin his birthday, they listened. as for the doctor analogy, ray is correct, when doctors see a spot on your x-ray, they don't panic but they check it out because it might be serious. they don't tell you you don't have a spot and don't worry -- one day it's going to disappear like america. you want to do co-pay or quid pro quo? by and large, woodward took the position the tapes are nothing to be concerned about. maybe they're trying to not cause a panic. >> bob woodward's book is exactly what you thought it would be, what's surprising is that donald trump participated in making the book. the president sat for repeated interviews with bob woodward. why would he do that? tonight from the source that knows the answer to that

mystery. senator lindsey graham of south carolina, it was lindsey graham who helped convince donald trump to talk to bob woodward. how did that turn out? lindsey graham is supposed to be a republican, so why would he do something like that? you would have to ask him. keep in mind lindsey graham has passionately opposed virtually every major policy issue donald trump articulated when he first ran so, maybe you already know the answer. >> trevor: this is insane. so lindsey graham has been pretending to be a trump alwhy this whole time, golfing with him, confirming his judges, defending him during impeachment all so that, four years later, he could trick trump into doing a bob woodward interview? and by the way, nobody forced trump to do this interview or say the things that he said. so this master plan only works if the guy you're plotting against is dumb as shit. how are we going to assassinate

seizure? i have an idea. let's leave a bunch of knives in front of him and maybe he'll stab himself. this is the problem with defending trump at all costs. eventually, you're forced to invent the most ridiculous conspiracy thesconspiracy theor. lindsey graham is one of trump's most loyal allies but tucker is making him sound like he's hiding black lives matter signs in his office. eventually you will run out of people to blame, there will be no one else to blame other than trump voters. i'm waiting for the day carlsen says trump didn't elect himself. who put this twisted man in power? i think we all know the answer to that. so, look, i don't know if these recordings will hurt trump in the presidential election. i mean, scandals slide off him further than his bronzer on a hot day. but if his new campaign ad is

any sign, he's not taking any chances. >> there's a pandemic in america of secret recordings. for too long, ordinary americans have lived in fear of being taped by bob woodward, michael cohen, and even billy bush. but donald trump will put a stop to it. in his second term, president trump will outlaw all tapes, delete all voice mails, and destroy every microphone in the country. in fact, let's ban taking notes, too. whatever happened to just remembering things? reelect donald trump becaus, when that 3:00 a.m. phone call comes in, you want to make sure it's not being tapped. >> i'm donald trump, and i approve this message. that's what i'll say to those idiots attend of my ad. hey, are you recording --

>> trevor: all right. we have to take a quick break. but when we come back, i'll talk to ronny chieng about the controversy that's tearing black and asian people apart. don't forget, samuel l. jackson still coming up on the show. we'll be right back. tonight. we adapt and we change we're here to keep you safe. we'rbut right bead istart wcutting him off now,e left bead is making a bit of contact ohh we've got a double bead! going for the inside line! the left bead! into first place! wow! aaaahhhh. beautiful.

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class on how different cultures use filler words to take pauses while talking and used a chinese expression that sounds like a racial slur. some students complained saying they were offended. the university apologized. patton insists there was "no ill intent." >> yo. >> trevor: okay. no. hell, no. unless you are the lead in a quentin tarantino movie, you have no excuse to say that word so many times. u.s.c. removed this professor from his communications course for saying that word in chinese. the question is was that the right move? well, here to help me answer it

is our own communications expert, an actual chinese person, ronny chieng. ronny, help me out here, man. when you speak chinese, does this word that sounds exactly like the "n" word pop up because i've never heard you use it? >> well, i don't know because i don't speak chinese. >> trevor: oh. well, i thought you did. >> oh, yeah? why would you think that? why? why would you think that? >> trevor: no, because, i mean, because like -- >> no, no, what. what about me makes you think i could speak chinese? >> trevor: i didn't mean to offend you, ronny, i'm sorry. >> just (~bleep ) you. of course i speak chinese. i'm chinese. anyway, trevor, this whole thing has gone out of hand. there's no reason to be offended. that word is a chinese word. >> trevor: wait, hold up. the chinese invented the "n" word? >> no, you idiot!

racists invented the "n" word. the chinese word ney-ga is our word for "that." it's a filler word. hey, what's the name of the bread sticks, i would say, ( speaking chinese ) >> with bread sticks. >> trevor: all i theard r heard you saying was nèi ge, nei ge, nèi ge in the middle of a sentence and i'm a little worked up right now. if nèi ge is a thinking word,er isn't that confusing when you listen to rap? >> yeah, to be honest, rappers sound unsure of themselves. to me jay-z and kanye didn't know if they were in paris. in paris, uh, we're going to

gorillas, nothing makes sense. >> trevor: you know what, dude, i guess this is why people need to talk to each other because now we got to the bottom of it as human beings and, i mean, now the solution is clear, you know, if that word nèi ge is a word in chinese, well chinese people just have to find another word. >> what? no. no. (~bleep ) that, trevor. we're not changing shit. we had that word for 5,000 years before racists stole it. racists steal from everybody: hitler took swastika from booeda and on and on and now they're stealing chinese words? how about racists change their word. >> trevor: it's not like racists have a suggestion box. you want me to ask them? >> if we want to have language and culture without anyone-run getting offended, have a class

for blacks kids, asian kids, and all can be separate and no one will get offend snood you just invented segregation. >> oh, shit, you're right. my bad. i'm just trying to solve problems because this thing is dividing the black and asian communities and it shouldn't because we should be working together. look what black and asian people can do when we're united, right? tiger woods, u tang clang. rush hour, rush hour two, rush hour three. i think i'm making rush hour four, and if you are please call me, i would love to be in it. um, the point is, black people and asian people have more in common than we think, okay. >> trevor: yeah, you know what, ronny? i'm not going to lie. before we spoke, i might have been a little touchy. but i think i hear what you're saying -- as people there are so many people designed and

intended to offend us that we have to try to make sure that we don't get offended by the things that aren't made to offend us. >> thank you, exactly. because otherwise there's no limit to what can upset you. you will be shocked to hear what your name actually means in chinese, trevor. >> trevor: wait, what do you mean my name -- what does my name mean in chinese? >> yeah, i don't think we want to say that word publicly. let's just say i tell my mom i work at "the daily show" with don lemmon. nice talking to you. >> trevor: what does my name mean? ronny? what does trevor -- look, we'll take a quick break while i look my name up in mandarin. when we come back, we'll be talking to samuel l. jackson but first talking to the f.b.i. official trump can't stop fantasizing about. i need i'm hector.

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"the daily social distancing show. earlier today, i spoke with former f.b.i. official peter strzok. we talked about his new book on trump, russia and those infamous text messages trump says are from the deep state. peter strzok, welcome to "the daily social distancing show. >> thanks so much for having me. it's good to be here. >> trevor: you've written a book that even today is being name checked by the president of the united states, donald trump donald trump. he's not your biggest fan and clearly, by your book, you are not a fan of his. in many ways, for him, you are the face of the deep state that he constantly talks about. why did you write the book and what do you hope the book is meant to achieve is this. >> so the reason i wrote the book was to talk about the counterintelligence threat that

donald trump poses to this day. why in the f.b.i. in 2016 we were so very concerned about his relationship with the government of russia and not just his but all the people around him, and to point out to the reader that that threat, that problem didn't stop in 2016. director mueller kept going and the problem stays to this day. i wanted to shine a light on that. >> trevor: there's no denying your role in this investigation and in the donald trump-russia saga has been marred by text messages that the public has seen of yours, your opinions on hillary clinton and donald trump. do you think that you're the right person to say to the public, here i am shining a light, when donald trump will use you as the example of the deep state? >> yeah, i sure do, and here's why -- in the first place, every f.b.i. agent, most every government employee has opinions. i have them, everybody i worked with did. we talk about those in private.

every single day, all of us set that aside when we go to work. part of what's been coronavirus about the idea of a deep state, in my experience it's absolutely false. second thing, because people might have concerns, is this has been looked at up and down and left and right. two inspector general investigations and multiple attorneys, all kinds of congressional committees looking at them and all of them have found at the end of the day that me and everybody else that our actions were free of political bias or improper consideration and that we were doing the right thing for the right reasons. >> trevor: i don't believe in a deep state. i'm not a big conspiracy theory person in any way, shape or form, but i do understand how it may look to somebody, especially a trump voter, when peter strzok is saying we need to stop this person and, more importantly, recently, an f.b.i. lawyer was found to be doctoring documents. once somebody is forging a document to go with their bias, that shows you that people don't just leave their opinions at the

door, doesn't it? >> right, but when you look at what happened to him, he is paying a severe, severe price for his penalty. there is no room in the f.b.i. ever for any falsehood or doctoring evidence. when you do that, you will be held accountable. that's exactly what you saw. to the broader point of i understand how people might look at this and say, yeah, pretty strong opinions. but let's go back to 2016, there were things that i knew and others knew and still knew to this day that if we let it out it would have really damaged trump's campaign. never happened. let's look at what happened with all the speeches comey gave about secretary clinton and -- >> trevor: if i may interrupt you there. let's take a step back. so i feel like that statement you've just made presents the veneer of impartiality because, if you have something that you can't release on donald trump that the public, if they knew about donald trump would upvote for him, but you can't use that, why even tell the people about that? >> because there's a lie being

made, there's a false accusation that peter strzok is biased. if i'm going to defend against that, i would say, hey, that's not true. if you show me evidence, i would say, hey, the things we did in the fall ingivecally hurt secretary clinton and by not saying something helped donald trump. all kinds of things have been declassified about this administration, unsurprising many have been very favorable to president trump. i can't decide and wouldn't be appropriate to, but if i'm challenged to prove my impartiality, the way i have to do that is to present the evidence of what exists, and some of that is new now. we know what director mueller found. we know all the people he prosecuted. that's the sort of thing i'm talking about. woe knew it in the fall, everybody knows it now. if we were to talk about all the cases and the people who pled guilty about hiding their contacts with the russians, that would have been very damaging and, of course, the united states and everybody can see the truth of what we knew at the time. >> trevor: i've always been fascinated by how in american

histwritery you read these stories about how the f.b.i. was surveilling or even interfering in the actions of protestors, everybody from jane fonda to martin luther king, jr. when you look at the protests happening today, would you say that protesters need to be wary of the f.b.i. looking into or interfering in their lives, or is that something that changed over time, or does it just depend on who's running the f.b.i.? >> i think it's always something to be aware of. look, i think the f.b.i. is bound by regulation and a tradition of respecting civil liberties. but that came at a heavy price. as you pointed out, there were extraordinary abuses throughout the '70s which culminated in the church and pike committees, things like oversight reform that really codified ways that would prevent the f.b.i. from behaving that way and that became absorbed in the f.b.i. culture which exists today. so i'm not worried about the f.b.i. overstepping. what i do worry about is when

you see other actors, various entities downthe department of homeland security and other elements, who don't have a traitional sort of domestic, you know, investigative role, who are being thrust into situations where they don't have the background, a traditional regulations to monitor and constrain that activity, everybody may be trying to do the right thing but if you don't have the regulation, the same sort of oversight, there's a lot of risk there. so i'm also concerned congress has an oversight role but there's a tremendous amount of tension between the executive branch and congress and that oversight, so i think that's a valid concern, i think that's something everybody should be looking at and making sure that we are behaving -- i say we, that the government is behaving -- in a way the american people expect based on our past dialogue. >> trevor: you have now had quite the journey, you know, in and out of law enforcement. what would you change if you could go back? what are the things that you look back as an agent and say, man, that's where i didn't do the right thing or didn't do it

in the right way and i should have done that differently? >> well, obviously, first and foremost, i never would have set sent the damn text i did, i think that's the obvious and easy answer. i think going back, it's a great question. i wish that we would have had a better idea of what was going on with social media and the vulnerabilities that presented before we did. we saw on the terrorism side that people like anwar al-awlaki were using youtube with good effect in reaching into the homeland and radicalizing people without any formal meetings. while we appreciated that was a tough terrorism problem not me or anybody else said, wow, what if the russians started using youtube, twitter, facebook to start doing the same thing, but instead of recruiting somebody to a terrorist organization, what if they were trying to use it to persuade people or plant disinformation? that's exactly what they did. i wish we would have seep that sooner.

i think we're getting up to speed now, but that's the biggest thing i would point to. >> trevor: your book is interesting, your journey one to have the craziest in american history. because there are still investigations and donald trump is still president, i guess the saga will continue. thanks for joining me on the show, peter strzok. >> trevor, great to be here. >> trevor: when we come back, talking to the man, the myth, the legend samuel l. jackson. don't go away.>> trevor: welcomo

"the daily social distancing show. so, earlier today, i spoke with legendary actor samuel l. jackson who is producing an incredible new docu-series on epix called ensaved. you cleaned up for this interview? >> right. >> why? >> when i saw you at the academy awards, i said why am i never on your show? you said, well -- and i said, i have to look presentable. >> trevor: no, i said why have you never been on my show? you're going to make the public feel i didn't have samuel l.

jackson on my show. that's not how it happened. you can host the show if you want! >> john used to invite me at least once a year. >> trevor: i can't invite you when it's your home. you can come here anytime. you could come in and just say what you feel about the news that day in one sentence and leave. i can't invite you to the show. >> really? i could do that? ( laughter ) wait till i get back to new york. >> trevor: oh, man, welcome, welcome! i'm glad we're final making it happen. welcome to the show. >> thank you so much, yeah. >> trevor: you are a bona fide legend, sir. you are truly the eepitome of not just hard work but of talent paying off, inspiring people in every way, shape or form, been in 150 movies, some of the greatest of all time, and i was shocked to find out that you had never produced anything with your production company with your wife and i couldn't believe

this docu-series we're talking about is the first thing you're producing and it has to be special and it is. "enslaved" is a personal series. tell me about it. >> when they came to me with the idea, it was about, you know, finding these ships that had gone down and had captured africans on them that didn't make it. i thought, this would be dope. we could get divers and maybe i could dive with them and we can go down and find skeletons with shackles still on them and stuff like that, and then combined with finding my ancestry and going into ancestry.com and finding out i was tribally connected to the binga tribe in gabong, and there was a lot of the traffic that came through there, and what happened, it was a way for me to reconnect with my identity in that particular way and to tell a story that we never talk about. the people that didn't make it

and what happened and how those people still profited from those peoplett that did not make it. you know, they didn't make it to wherever they were going here, brazil, or the west indies to work, but they still get money from these people's bodies being stolen from this particular place. >> trevor: right. >> and it was a chance for me to do something, which is so crazy in my mind when i think abit, when people would ask me had i been to africa, and i would say yeah. they said, where? and i would say, cape town, johannesburg, morocco, egypt. they said, you haven't been to real africa. i'm, like,t what are you talking about? so i went to gabong and hung out there. >> trevor: when i talk to friends, african-americans, who say, trevor, being stolen from your cultural identity, there's

a piece that you don't even realize is missing and just the story you tell yourself about yourself. i wonder what that was like for you going back to a place where you didn't only go i'm from here, my lineage is from here, but they said, no, you are a lost son of this tribe, what did that feel like for you? >> um, it was, you know, spiritually uplifting to connect with the tribe and to look around and see my relatives, in a real sense of faces that i knew, you know, and understand and to be welcomed by some people that looked at me in a different kind of way. >> trevor: right. >> and i'm there with these people and i'm looking at them and they're so open and welcome, and the ceremony itself, to participate in that and to look in these people's eyes and see

that, you know, they really are -- they're as proud of me leaving, or what happened when i left, as i am of being there with them and saying i'm glad to be back here and be fulfilled by what this actually means, to connect with something that gives me a tangible connection to the continent. occasionally, a lot of times, when we were shooting this thing, when people start asking you how you feel, well, do you feel this way or that way? and he's, like, i don't want you defining what i feel because sometimes it's survivor's remorse, you know, that had that not happened, i wouldn't have reached the place that i reached here that allowed me to come back and tell this story. >> trevor: right. >> you know, what would have happened had i never had my ancestors never been taken from that place and i was brought here? so you feel a different kind of responsibility because you did

achieve what you achieved, despite what this country is, and you are able to come back and hopefully encourage or tell a story that makes somebody want to go and see it for themselves. >> trevor: you are somebody who has not just created history but you've lived through history, and i really like that you say telling those stories, you know, reading through your story, i was amazed at how much you've lived through. everyone focuses on your movies, but i look at the world you've lived in, it's been like a movie. for instance, i didn't know that samuel l. jackson grew up with a stutter, you know. i didn't know that about you. >> it comes back. >> trevor: and i didn't know that sometimes you would use the word mother (~bleep ) to just get your mouth moving. >> yeah, to just center myself and stop. >> trevor: there are so many things about you that i didn't know. i didn't know for instance that

you went to m.l.k.'s funeral after he was assassinated, and i didn't know you were part of those protests and a lot of who you are has been shaped by those times. when you look at the trough tests then and now, and you look at the journey black america has been on for such a long time with its government, i wonder if you've seen something that gives you a glimpse of hope. >> well, there's an evolution of protests, when you look at it. when i was a kid, i grew up in basically american apartheid. i was in chattanooga, tennessee, and there were places i couldn't go. all my schoolmates were black. i didn't interact with white people unless i went downtown. and when the civil rights movement began or the sit-ins started, my parents and grandparents were terrified that i was going to go down there and get killed. i was too young to go anyway. but by the time i got to college

at morehouse college in atlanta, i started to meet and see and talk to people from snick, from sclc, and i could make a dirch nation about which idea i liked and all of a sudden i had an ideology and the war started and there was anti-war protests. i didn't know anything about the the war and the first vehement veterans i knew were students at morehouse, guys who had been in the war and came back, and they had hair like yours and we were, like, and black fists they made out of the cords, and they started talking about the the war and what was happening. then i had a cousin the same age as i was who went to the army and got killed, and all of a sudden the war was very real for me, so i was in the streets for that, the anti-war protests. and the things that were going on, we understood them and we could watch the old protests

where they sick dogs on people and hitting them with fire hoses and all this stuff, people were going, wow, this is america? and we were, like, yeah, this is america. it's like us watching the apartheid protests. i met guys from south africa who came to morehouse, and they were my classmates, so we learned more about apartheid because we had a personal connection to talk to people about it. so we understood, oh, it ain't just happening to us, there's some worldwide shit happening here! ( laughter ) so all of a sudden, it's, like, okay, so we're brothers in arms and everybody trying to, you know, get free from these shackles and everybody's got on us that tries to keep us down because they want to keep the things. and we started to understand that, you know, change doesn't happen without, you know, pain. and when i look at these kids today, i am so proud of them, number one. but what w