mail in your ballot after today, there's a chance it won't arrive in time to be counted. so if you don't want to risk your vote not being counted, then you need to bring your mail-in ballot to a polling place drop box, or go vote in person. after all, you don't want to miss what could be the last election in american history, do you? anyway, coming up on tonight's show -- america has a new top judge, we find the guy who helps donald trump read good, and desi lydic asks undecided voters what the hell their problem is. so let's do this, people. welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show" with trevor noah. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: let's kick things off with what's on everyone's mind right now -- the u.s.

presidential election is just one week away, one week, people! and passions are running high. >> in florida martian went on a backhoe blitz stealing a bull dozer and adding his own curb appeal to homes of biden supporters. james blight drove around haines city digging out biden harris signs from front yards. according to authorities he'd been drinking whiskey all day and stole the bull dozer from a nearby arby's construction site. >> trevor: this is truly such an amazing florida story. the only question now is whether this guy is going to end up in jail or the governor's mansion but it also goes to show how everybody is too obsessed with politics right now. i mean, this dude stole a bull dozer, and his first astronaut was to drive over campaign signs? he could have done so much more! he could have moved people's cars to another parking spot. or stolen an atm, or knocked over a fire hydrant to watch the water spray out. guys, life is so much bigger than just politics.

also, did this guy think that bull dozing those signs was going to make a difference in the election? what was the logic here? it's not like the owners of those houses were going to walk outside and go, oh, no! my lawn sign is how often gone! how will i remember who to vote for now? if i was one to have the people he did this to, i wouldn't be mad, i would buy more signs and put them in the back of my yard in the shape of a pool. yeah, you missed the other one, put two there. i mate to blame video games for anything but maybe this wouldn't have happened if grand theft auto would erelease a new game already. it's been seven years, rock star! the people are hungry for it! meanwhile, president trump, the florida man in chief, is holding coronavirusaways all across the mid rest and he clearly is getting tired of attacking joe biden because he's putting efforts into getting kamala harris. >> biden's running mate, how about her?

kamala, kamala. ( booing ) did you see her on television last night with the laugh? she kept laughing. i said is there something wrong with her, too? i said is there something wrong with her, she kept laughing. she is considered more liberal than crazy berne, can you believe it? we're not going to have a socialist president, especially a female socialist president, we're not going to have it, we're not going to put up with it, it's not going to map. >> trevor: especially a female socialist president? what does that mean? if we're going to have socialism, it better be a dude because i don't want some chick giving me free healthcare. what if she sticks a finger up my butt? i love that a female socialist president is trump's worst nightmare because i can picture him waking up in a cold sweat and melania being, like, oh, no, honey, was it the female socialist president again? i'm just kidding.

melania and trump don't share a bedroom. he's going to judge her laugh? my man, lieu yao look like you were built by the same company who made the tower of pizza. i'm sure people don't pose in front of you as well. let's move on. if anyone kneeled a reminder about what's at stake in an election you got is last night because last night republicans took full advantage on their hold on the white house and the senate by officially sealing the deal on their replacement for the late supreme court justice ruth bader ginsburg. >> from judge to justice barrett. >> i amy coney barrett -- >> exactly one month after billion nominated by president trump, amy coney barrett now joins the nation's highest court concluding one of the quickest and most controversial supreme court confirmations in modern american history. the late evening event, the most partisan confirmation in 150 years. only susan collins, one

republican, voting in favor of barrett, every democrat voting against her. >> president trump relishing in the made for tv photo op. >> it is highly fitting that justice barrett fills the seat of a true pioneer for women, as justice ruth bader ginsburg. >> trevor: say what you want about the g.o.p. but this was gangster. they swapped out a supreme court seat in four weeks. this whole process, this whole process in four weeks. was like watch ago chop shop strip down your car for parts. i'll miss my audi but you've got to admire their technique. i don't know about you but i was shocked to see the senate move this quick. normally they take months to do anything but here they moved so fast it was disorienting. it's like when you call customer service and immediately speak to a human being. this is janet, how can i help you? aaahhh! i wasn't ready! they just hustled amy coney barrett straight from the confirmation to a midnight

ceremony. she looked like the basic cable version of eyes wide shut. and guys, you know that anytime you're doing a daytime event at night, something is wrong. like, if you're digging a hole during the day -- ( children playing, birds tweeting ) >> trevor: -- but if you're digging the same hole at night ( owls hooting, ) >> trevor: trump's comment about barrett being the perfect replacement for r.b.g. is grade a.m. trolling. he knows what he's doing because r.b.g. and barrett are both women but barrett is going to dismantle all of r.b.g.'s good work. so this would be like if the lakers replaced lebron with ben carson, technically, they're swapping one black man for another, but good luck on making the playoffs next season. ( as ben carson) -- i'm going to

take the shot -- as soon as i -- ( buzzer ) >> trevor: but senate democrats had ominous warnings for colleagues who had finally crossed the line. >> our republican colleagues are shattering the norms and breaking the rules and breaking their word and there will be consequences. >> i think there are now new rules in the senate and i think republicans have set them. >> the next time the american people give democrats a majority in this chamber, you will have forfeited the right to tell us how to run that majority. >> if all of this rulebreaking is taking place, what does the majority expect? what do they expect? they expect that they're going to be able to break the rules with impunity and, when the shoe maybe is on the other foot, nothing's going to happen? >> trevor: whoo! democrats are not happy. this is the kind of warning you hear at the beginning of a

horror movie -- you'll rue the day you burned me alive for being a witch! and i don't blame the democrats for being so pissed. for them, it has been a constant four-year losing streak, and every now and again they get a win. at this point, they're basically the knicks of politics. but by the sounds of it, if democrats take control of the senate, the gloves are coming off, except for you, mitch mcconnell, your gloves need to stay on so people can eat. these aren't just empty threats. if the polls can be trusted, democrats have a good chance of taking control of the senate and the presidency next year. so the question is what are they going to do for revenge? well, according to joe biden, it's on. >> if elected, would you move to add more justices to the supreme court? >> if elected, what i will do is i will put together a national bipartisan commission of

constitutional scholars, democrats, republicans, liberal, conservative, and i will ask them to, over 180 days, come back to me with recommendations as to how to reform the court system because it's getting out of whack, the way in which it's being handled. andeth not about court packing. there are a number of other things constitutional scholars have debated and i've took looked to see what recommendations that commission might make. >> trevor: really, joe biden? democrats could have threatened to do anything -- expand the numbers of justices, make all the bathrooms in congress gender fluid, get drunk, bull doze the supreme court, but instead, you wait, mitch, because in six months the democrats are going to bring a bipartisan commission all up your ass! rest in peace, ruth, we got you! i mean, a six-month commission? i don't know that you could filibuster yourself. read the room, joe!

when everyone is, like, we're going to the club to shut shit down! you don't go, or hear me out -- who's ever heard of scrabble? here's the thing, the other day mitch mcconnell had a simple response to everyone concerned about how he got barrett on to the supreme court. you know what he said? he said, you can't win 'em all, and elections have consequences. and you know what? he's right. and there's another election coming up in a week, and that's also going to have consequences, too, but elections are only the beginning of the story. republicans didn't take over the court just because they felt like it, they did it because the people who elected them made it clear that it was a priority. so whatever your priority is for the supreme court going forward, you better vote next week, and then let the people you put in office know what you expect from them. all right, when we come back, we find out who is behind donald trump's teleprompter and chelsea handler is joining us on the show. stick around.

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for drug free relief that works fast. vicks sinex. instantly clear everday congestion. so, late last night, donald trump hosted a swearing-in ceremony for amy coney barrett, supreme court justice and mom who blocks nickelodeon for too much adult content. and some people were excited to see her ceremony, while others were furious about it. but one thing everyone was thinking was what the hell was

trump talking about? >> we are fulfilling the duty that passes to each new generation to sustain the national traditions and virtues that make possible everything we have achieved before that we will do tomorrow. >> trevor: trump is the only person who can make english sound like a foreign language. it actually sounds like someone translated trump's speech into farsi, back into english and gave him a concussion. the speech reminds me of essays i would write in high school when i was trying to reach a word count -- and then those who submitted would be also within their range to find -- dreams and memories. all right, done. seriously, i don't know if you could figure it out because i ran that speech through google translate and it killed itself. watching trump struggle through speeches like that makes me wonder how hard it would be for the guy in charge of his teleprompter. what is it like to be that guy?

well luckily, it turns out there's a documentary on just that very person. >> my name is preston david smith and i operate the president's teleprompter. you may have heard him 3467 he. >> you want me to go back on teleprompter? no. here's a question -- my poor guy must be having a fit, he's so good at this stuff. hee's on line three. he's saying, sir, should i just turn the sucker off? would you rather go teleprompter or freelance? freelance. >> so basically i'm is seat belt that keeps him safe as he zooms down that verbal highway. which is obviously a metaphor he does not wear seat belts. my job is basically load the words into the teleprompter, scroll it as the president reads. sounds simple. it's not. >> the op-ed published in the failing "new york times" by

ananomus -- really an anomus, gutless coward. you just look. he was -- nobody knows who the hell he is or she, though they put he but probably that's a gitle disguise, that means it's she. but for the sake of our national security -- >> operating the president's teleprompter is one of the most important jobs in this current administration. it goes secretary of state, guy who turns on the tv to fox news, then me. scrolling the prompter for the president is a dance. you know, sometimes he's leading, sometimes i'm leading, but sometimes it's just jazz, and i just gotta lean back and let him take the solo. >> we gave them their dignity back. ( cheers and applause ) by the way, you don't mind if i go off script a little bit because, you know, it's sort of boring. ( cheering )

got this beautiful speech, everything's wonderful, but a little boring. we have to -- you know. but we gave them their dignity back, and that's whyo yo why ouy is doing record business. >> i feel like everything in my life is leading up to this job. i got bit by the teleprompter bug earl lier. i would be in my room working for hours. i practiced on my dog. my mom said, preston, some day you are going to help grown men read words off a screen. and she was right. the president is an unparalleled communicator, so i am always trying to get on his level. but i do make typos. >> on january 23rd, venezwala's national assembly -- he was awarded the bronze tar and come bat infantryman. heart, luck and liver trance

pants. and god bless the united states. >> i really thought the nate shtates was spelled with three hs but it's just one. trump is an amazing boss, he didn't give me corona, but sometimes i feel that -- i don't know, undervalued. >> and you know i say you shouldn't be allowed to use teleprompters because you have to test people's intelligence. if you need teleprompters -- do you know how easy it is? no, you know do you easy it is? ( cheering ) >> all right. i guess what i do doesn't mean shit. can we cut? but the job does have perks. i mean, you can't beat the hours. he goes off prompter so much i've had so much time to foster new hobbies. >> you know, they love wind, too, the big wind mills. i always say the greatest

graveyard in the world for birds, just walk under a windmill, you will see more dead birds than you will ever imagine. what's happening, including eagles, you know, in california, they put you in jail if you shoot a bal bald bald eagle. >> it's been a wild ride but i loved every second of it. >> are you going to vote for trump? >> no, the dude is a horrible president. we have to come together and make sure this guy does not win again. that's why i'm voting for kanye. >> trevor: fascinating stuff. all right, we have to take a quick break but don't go away because, when we come back, desi lydic gets real with undecided voters. oh wowzers, what a special family! special like my chips deluxe. with even more real chocolate chips. only elves can make cookies this good! keebler® - made with magic, loved by families™. faster, faster! they're gaining on you!

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get 2 iphone 12 pros + 2 lines of unlimited 5g for just $100. only at t-mobile. america's largest 5g network. show." with the election already underway, polls show that fewer than five percent of voters are still undecided. but why is that even that high? desi lydic finds out. >> every election season we hear about that rarest, most mysterious of demographics, the undecided voter. >> those few voters who may still be on the fence. >> people who matter more than anyone else in this election. >> these voters are very important to harness in for either the biden or trump campaigns. >> the undecided 30% of voters usually decide elections and that's why politicians spend a lot of time trying to persuade them. but how could anyone be undecided choosing between these guys? this close to the election, all of you are still undecided

voters? >> yes. >> regrettably yes. >> completely undecided? >> i don't know if i am or not, so i'm -- i -- i don't know. >> so when do you think you're going to decide if you're undecided? >> you know, i -- i -- i don't know what i want to do. um, so i think i'm waiting. >> i feel like i'm stuck behind those people who try every single flavor at baskin-robbins and each have their own brand of indecision. biden republicans. >> i voted straight republican until the party was taken over by donald trump but i'm pro-life. >> i voted for donald trump in 2016 but i don't know that our country can survive another four years of what feels like pure turmoil. >> there are also democrats who are hiding from biden. >> something that, you know, i've seen with the democratic

party is how they, you know, will take the african-american and the black vote for granted. >> and the independent who's pissed off with everybody. >> what each candidate is offering, the fact that someone can go bruft because of an emergency i think is embarrassing, and i think that we lack maternity care for uninsured women -- >> stephen, stop flirting, i'm married, okay? don't get any ideas. >> all right, sorry. >> go on. >> okay. >> maybe picking a president is too big a decision. how about we start with something smaller. all right, coke or pepsi. >> pepsi. >> coke. >> pepsi. >> coke. >> chicken or fish? >> chicken. >> fish. >> fish. >> fish. >> great. >> i'm vegan. shut the (~bleep ) up, stephen. shut the (~bleep ) up. ( laughter )

so they can make decisions, then what the so hard about this one. election forecaster has a provocative theory on whether the undecided are even real. >> in the world of political science we don't have all this mystery about undecided voters, if i was to talk to a group of undecided voters, the first thing i would ask them is do you lean to the democrats or republicans? and then if they told me that they did, nine out of ten times, i can tell you who they're going to vote for. >> sounds like a simple idea but made rachel's forecast for the 2018 midterm election most accurate. winning the election is not about persuading the undecided,eth about motivating your team to show up and the biggest motivator is how much you dislike the other side. >> i knew this concept from political science research called negative partisanship which is the fear and the hate that people feel towards the opposition party. >> it's like when they kept voting for "dancing with the

stars" just to get sean spicer off. >> that's exactly right, that's negative partisanship. >> i don't like "dancing with the stars." i'm a mass singer kind of girl. if negative partisanship decides every election why is anyone pretending to be undecided? >> there's sexiness to being undecided especially in presidential elections. if you're in a swing state, got all these stump reporters wandering around, and, you know, who's undecided? who's undecided? are you undecided? >> you're saying that they just identify as undecided even when they're not actually undecided, like, they're basically rachel-ing in decision. >> you can tell they're fake because they don't decide between donald trump and joe biden. >> they're fakest. i'm going to tell them to their face. come on, you guys, you're not actually undecided. you're just telling me that you're undecided to keep me on

my toes for suspense. well, guess what? it's not working! let's just go around. which way are you leaning? ( suspenseful music ) >> biden. >> biden. >> biden. >> joe biden. >> i'm leaning towards trump. >> aaahhh! okay. fine. so you're not undecided. you do know who you're voting for. >> can we still be friends? >> let me think about it. i'm a little undecided. so rachel is right, most of these undecideds were just faking it for attention, but i still had to ask her about the only thing that really matters this election -- i want to know who's going to win. don't tell me if it's bad news. >> okay. >> if it's good news, don't say anything. >> okay. it is good news. i'm undecided about it, you know. >> what? don't (~bleep ) with me, rachel!

ipolitical science has a term fr that. fake is (~bleep ). >> trevor: thank you so much, desy. when we come back, i'll talk to the hilarious chelsea handler. you don't want to miss it. trevo

"the daily social distancing

show"! earlier today, i spoke with best-selling author and comedian chelsea handler. we talked about her new standup special the upcoming election and so much more. >> which brings me to the strong and deep sexual feelings i have developed for andrew cuomo. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i know we all feel it. a lot of women are feeling it. when he came on the scene, he looked like the incredible hulk, also, like that big italian gorilla is, like, put on your mask! oh, i'll put on my mask! he is the kind of asdz hole i'll do shit for and that's what i like him. an old fashioned asshole who will tell me to sit down and shut up! >> trevor: chelsea handler, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> hi, trevor, how are you? >> trevor: i'm going fantastic, thank you very much. how are you doing? i feel like you have been on quite a journey over the last few years. i know we spoke about some of the things you experienced in your book, but your new standup

special is out, and it has been six years since you were last on the stage, so how are you and why now? >> um, i feel like i wanted to bring some relief, you know, to this time that we're all stuck in between the pandemic and this administration. i really felt compelled to, like, figure out a way to shoot this standup special during covid and, going home to new jersey just seemed kind of of ap apropos of everything in e special i'm talking about. it's a big reminder of humanity and the fact we're all struggling together and not to forget that and to remind people, hey, there is laughter in pain and all of that good stuff. so it was meaningful to me to shoot it during covid and say, you know, to run the show during covid and practice the sets and all of that stuff and to give -- and to bring everybody together for a night, for many people who had not been out since covid started. so -- >> trevor: i've always loved

how you put your specials together, whether it's traveling to africa and then coming back with different perspective on life, or doing all the drugs in the world and doing a special about that experience. >> drugs are always a theme in all of my specials, in all of my work. ( laughter ) >> trevor: but the why of this was really interesting to me because it has been six years since you were last on the stage doing a show like this and i wanted to know why. i'm intrigued about why someone comes back when they come back. >> i didn't really feel like i had anything to say in a standup medium. i think i was just exhausted by doing all my shows and books and touring that i didn't feel i was making my contribution. and after i took a step back from me netflix show and sat back and went to therapy and thought about my privilege and the contribution i wanted to make instead of the taking and the taking and the cashing of checks and all of that and being a loud mouth, you know, just that. it was, like, what am i really

going to do, what am i going to say and who am i here to be an ally to? all of those things started to marinate in different ways and i stopped spinning eight plates and was able to focus on one thing at a time, whether my book or my documentary or this special evolution, the integrity changes when you are focusing on one thing. so the more, the deeper i can get, the better off, you know, and the more i can impart and hopefully help and touch people, you know, in ways i hadn't before. >> trevor: what i love about the special is how you talk about therapy. what are some of the biggest things you learned about yourself in therapy that have now changed how chelsea handler approaches the world? >> first of all, i got the gift of self-awareness which is invaluable to find out i have been behaving like a bitch for so many years without even thinking about it. i was just, like, oh, i'm just here to tell the people from tooth. whoa, not everybody needs to hear it or is interested in

hearing it from me. it was rev la tore to find out that about myself and delayed grief about something that happened as a little girl and i had trauma. moving in l.a. you live in this world where everyone wants to talk about trauma and triggers and manifestation and kale and eventually you fall into it and end up in a silent retreat sipping kale juice with explosive diarrhea saying how did i get here, too? but it's true, it helps to go to therapy and talk to someone about your problems. it's the most humiliating experience, that's why i had to hair share it because you find out things about yourself you're too embarrassed to say about yourself. you have to admit your short sht shortcomings. your impatience, the fact i can't stand in line at a airport book store because the slowness

of the transaction annoys me, it's too slow. going over these things with a therapist and saying what do you think i have, a.d.d. and they say it's more serious. in my case it was i lacked empathy. once that went off and i realized he was telling me the truth and i realized i did lack empathy, i was, like, okay, i'm here to stay, give me the information and, you know, go back. and then once i realized, you know, everything is funny, if you're a comedian everything even death is funny, so you just need time to just kind of, you know, put it into your storytelling, whatever your specialty is, and, so, i was really excited to share this with everybody and just kind of really show myself in a way that i hadn't been seen before either. it wasn't scary, it was like it was new and exciting. >> trevor: yeah, it also felt a lot more vulnerable than we used to. i mean, it's a special way you talk about death in your family, you know, about your father dealing with your brother's passing. you talk about the pain that you

experience. you share a lot in a way that is very vulnerable and it feels very different for us to see with you. even you talking about not drinking as much. you know, which is very funny but also really honest in the way that you were telling the story. did you enjoy being that vulnerable? because, like, as a comedian, you always have this shield, but it felt like you had a few cracks in the shield and you allowed people to peer in further than they had before. was that a little frightening for you? >> as a comedian, it's hard to be on stage and not hear laughter, so when i showed that show, you know, the special, when i showed it to my agents and i said, hey, i think i have a special ready and they came to see it, one agent was, like, you have to sit with a serious moment longer and let it breathe and i'm, like, i can't, i'm allergic to not having that instant gratification that comedians are used to. you know, that's what makes chappelle so genius and he doesn't feel the need to go after the laughs, he's provoking

your thoughts. and, so, it's really hard. it was hard for me in that sense to really tick to the moment and let the moment breathe when i do talk about my brother because, you know, it is emotional and, you know, you don't get emotional every time, but when you're really present with something, it shows up in your work, you know, and it was a great lesson in how to be diligent and be focused, you know, be focused through the beginning of a set and taking it all the way to filming the special and to be present and not to be drunk or wasted. you can be a little stoned now, that's my thing, but, you know, the other stuff is, like, oh, that's old me. like there's a new thing happening. south fun to share it with people, but, definitely, no, i like to walk through challenges, i love to be different, you know, i love to show something different when i'm feeling something different. >> trevor: although you have always been someone who is crazy and loud and fin funny and just like doesn't take anything seriously, you've always been

really engaged in politics. one of the more interesting political discussions you've gotten into recently was between you feel and 50-cent, you guys have had an interesting relationship over the past few years and the latest update i've seen said 50-cent will be voting for trump because despite him not doing well with black people and not being great with black people, 50-cent doesn't want to pay taxes. you said i'll pay your taxes if you vote for joe biden and then alluded to you might have sex to him. and 50 came back and said, all right, i'm voting for biden. it seems like l.i. ship on next level is what you've done here, chelsea handler. >> first, let me say i spoke to 50-cent last night on the telephone and i'm going to tell you all about it. first i want to apologize for having to say i was reminding him he was a black man. that's inappropriate and i think as an ally, i need to set an example by always apologizing when i make a my step and that's

a my step, i'm a white woman saying that to a black man, that's not cool and i apologize to everyone who was offended by that. i will say if any of my exboyfriends come out in support of a white supremacist president we have, i'll call them out on it. we had a conversation on the phone last night for 25 minutes, 30 minutes. i wanted to make sure i wanted to talk to him about what he tweeted and to see if he was serious because sometimes he tweets things that aren't serious, as do i, and he's not, he's supporting biden. so, you know, he was just kind of pissed about the taxes and we were joking about that, but, you know, we talked about, like, taxes are, you know, when you make a lot of money, you have the bigger responsibility. that's what society is. and by the way, if you want to evade your taxes, republicans have a whole handbook about how to do that and there are many states you can live in to do just that. so it was a very healthy conversation. i did get the impression that he did ask me about taking late

spin, as i paraphrased it. i said i would be interested in taking another spin because you can't really pay someone to vote for someone. ( laughter ) so i am open to figuring out another form of payment for him, but he's already a biden supporter, so i don't even really have to go down that road. ( laughter ) >> trevor: well, i can safely sayt that, if more politics was engaged in the way you have engaged with it, politics would not only be a lot healthier, but a lot more interesting. chelsea, thank you so much for joining me on the show. congratulations on your new special and also i think your new place in life. it's wonderful to see you. >> oh, thanks, trevor, it's always great to see you. thank you. >> trevor: thank you so much, chelsea. don't forget chelsea handler, evolution is streaming now on hbo max. we'll take a quick break but

for tonight, but before we go -- we're partnering with world central kitchen for their new chefs for the polls program. they're activating local food trucks, restaurants, and caterers, owned and operated primarily by people of color, to serve food to people in voting lines, especially in underserved communities where voting lines are historically longer. if you can help out in any way, then all you need to do is donate at the link below. until tomorrow -- stay safe out there, wear a mask, and remember -- don't tear out your neighbor's yard sign.

just take a pen and explain your opposing views on the other side. let's have a conversation, people! then we can fight. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. >> when he says he wants to go out into that crowd and give everyone the kiss, remember the godfather? he's giving you a kiss, all right. it's -- ( speaking foreign language ) >> like in the godfather, we made the peace. >> no more illusions to the godfather. ( laughter ) ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪

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