captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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[school bell rings] all: we are south park, green and white! let's go, cows! fight, fight, fight! nobody can beat a cow... - [yawns] - hey, south park, do you have school spirit? [all mooing] - i think us cows have the best school spirit, huh, mandy? - yeah, and south park is really gonna stick it to littleton next week. - so let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [thumping dance music] - it's mooey! mooey, wave to me! wave to me, mooey! - butters, shut the hell up.

[all shouting angrily] - we are people for the ethical treatment of animals! we protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot! - oh, jesus, not peta again. - cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! - [screaming] - this is the fate of the cows! this is your insensitivity! all: eww! - [sobbing] - the cow is a slave. the cow is a commodity to be thrown away by a society gone wrong! [bell rings] - all right, children, i have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot. [all groan] - but, mr. garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win. - that's right, stanley, the eco-terrorists win.

now, i have here a mascot selection sheet. every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. and the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot. - but we like being the cows. - you're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions! - get--get out of here, peta! we're changin' the mascot already! - we speak for those who cannot speak for themselves! - go on, get outta here! get--get out! jesus, where do they keep coming from? go on, get outta here. - this is bullcrap, dude! - now, children, it's not that bad. there's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to choose from: the hurricanes, the blizzards, the redskins, the indians... - but aren't indians and redskins just as offensive? - no, those are fine. peta doesn't care about people. - god damn it, vegans piss me off! now, we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot. - wait, you guys! i have an awesome idea. we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet and instead, write in "giant douche."

- yeah! - [muffled] yeah, that'll be awesome! - then, no, wait, wait! i got a better idea, you guys. what we should do is, we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet and instead write in "turd sandwich." [laughing] - turd sandwich isn't better than giant douche. - it's only about 1,000 times better. am i right, guys? come on, we have to tell everybody fast. this is gonna be so funny! - it was my idea, and we're gonna tell everyone to write in giant douche! - it's way funnier! - it is not! - kenny, what's funnier, giant douche or a turd sandwich? - [muffled] giant douche. - ah, you're just saying that because i broke your cat's leg last week! - stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich? - dude, i really don't care. - that's 2 against 1, if stan doesn't care. so it's giant douche. - wait, wait, what about butters? - huh? - you hate butters! - god damn it, you guys, butters is our friend! and he should be allowed to have his opinion! butters, which is funnier? a stupid, not funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich? - ha-ha, turd sandwich! - you misled him, fat ass! - it's the best choice, and me and butters are sticking with it. - yeah! what's this for? - jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny,

and you have to tell us which one would be funnier. - that's a fantastic idea, fellas. the key to successful humor is staying power. tell me the first mascot idea. a giant douche. - [chuckles] okay, that's pretty funny. now, what's the second? - a turd sandwich. - [chuckles] okay, okay, now, let's wait ten seconds. okay, now tell me the first one again? - giant douche. - and the second? - turd sandwich. - jeez, they're both screamingly funny, fellas. better give it another ten seconds. all right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. number one? - a giant douche. - okay, i think that's it. number two? - turd sandwich. - jeez, i don't know what to tell you, fellas. they're both instant classics. but i guess i'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it is a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire. - awww! - aw, we lost? - all right, it's decided. let's all write in "giant douche." - okay, you win, kyle.

- attention, students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. so here's the first most requested candidate: a giant douche. - ♪ y'all ready for this [dance music] - go, giant douche! - hey, south park! have we got school spirit? [sparse clapping] we've got spirit, yes, we do! giant douches, me and you! let's goooo... douches! [scattered clapping] - and now your second nominee, turd sandwich. - ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ who, who, who, who, who ♪ ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ - all right, turd sandwich! - cartman, what the hell? - giant douche sucks! - we've got spirit, yes, we do! we are sandwiches filled with poo, yeah!

[sparse clapping] - students can now cast their choice between the giant douche and the turd sandwich. we'll count up the votes on tuesday. - you won't get more votes than us, asshole! - game on, jew-boy! - yeah, game on, jew-boy! [school bell rings] - be sure to vote for giant douche! - [muffled] giant douche, he's the best! - giant douche is your man! - kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? i mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot? - dude, i am not going to lose to cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [patriotic electronic flute playing] - vote for turd sandwich! this is the most important election of your lives. turd sandwich brings the hope for change! a vote for turd sandwich is a vote for tomorrow. - there, you really want that asshole to win? - i'm not voting. - what? you gotta vote, dude. haven't you seen the "rock the vote" stuff or puff daddy's "vote or die"? - i just think this whole thing is stupid. - kenny, we have got to make stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy. - yeah! - how was school today, stanley?

- it was ridiculous. we have to have a new school mascot, and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. - what did you say? - did you just say that voting is ridiculous? - no, i think voting is great, but if i have to choose between a douche and a turd, i just don't see the point. - you don't see the point! oh, you young people just make me sick! - stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote? - mom, i just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. i don't care. - you don't care! you really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot! on your football helmets-- a turd! - well, hold on, randy. i think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms. - you're crazy! a douche is at least clean. - it's sexist is what it is! - you don't understand the issues, sharon! - are you calling me ignorant? - if you think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich, you're not exactly einstein! - i am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [glass shatters] - i hate this family. i hate it! [doorbell rings]

- puff daddy? - your friend kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting. - i-- - apparently you haven't heard of my vote or die campaign. - vote or die, what the hell does that even mean? - what you think it means, bitch? - ahhhh! - ♪ vote or die, mother[...], mother[...], vote or die! ♪ - ♪ rock the vote or else i'm gonna ♪ ♪ stick a knife through your eye ♪ - ♪ democracy is founded on one simple rule ♪ - ♪ get out there and vote, or i will mother[...] kill you ♪ yeah. ♪ i like it when you vote, bitch, bitch ♪ ♪ shake them titties when you vote, bitch, bitch ♪ ♪ i'll slam my jimmy through your mouth roof, mouth roof ♪ ♪ now, get your big ass in the polling booth ♪ ♪ i said, vote, bitch, or i'll [...] kill you ♪ - ♪ vote or die, mother[...], mother[...], vote or die! ♪ - ♪ you can't run from a .38, go ahead and try ♪ - ♪ let your opinion be heard, you gotta make a choice ♪ - ♪ 'cause after i slit your throat ♪ ♪ you won't have a [...] voice ♪

♪ vote or die vote or die! - okay, i'll vote.

[what's this?] oh, are we kicking karly out? we live with at&t. it was a lapse in judgment. at&t, we called this house meeting because you advertise gig-speed internet, but we can't sign up for that here. yeah, but i'm just like warming up to those speeds. you've lived here two years. the personal attacks aren't helping, karly. don't you have like a hot pilates class to get to or something? [ muffled scream ] stop living with at&t. xfinity can deliver gig to the most homes.

- hello, clyde. - what do you guys want? - we were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the new school mascot. - i haven't decided yet. - oh, really? well, that's interesting. you certainly should think about it and make the right decision. butterscotch candy? - sure. - clyde, are you aware of what turd sandwich can bring to our school? - turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot but even the first sandwich. - you see, what turd sandwich brings to our school, clyde, is a complete package-- the turd and the bread and the lettuce and the olive. - whereas giant douche is just, well, just a giant douche. - so come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?

- i'm still not totally sure. - well, then perhaps we could interest you in... another butterscotch candy? - you're doing the right thing, stan. don't you feel like you're a part of something now? - i guess. [gun cocks] - look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count. and we all have to do our part. - okay. - whoa, wait, what are you doing? - i'm voting. - no, you wrote down turd sandwich. - yeah, i know. - dude, you're supposed to vote for giant douche. - i thought i was supposed to make my own decision. - well, yeah, but not if your decision is for turd sandwich! what the hell is wrong with you? - wait a minute. you didn't want me to vote! you wanted me to vote for your guy! - well, i just figured you'd vote for my guy! whose [bleep] friend are you? puffy! - hey, [bleep] off, kyle! don't let them intimidate you, stan. i'll help walk you to the booth. and then i'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings. - oh, forget it! i'm not gonna be persuaded into voting,

and i'm not gonna be threatened into voting if i don't feel comfortable with it! i'm not gonna vote, and you all can just live with it! - we've simply had it with your son, mr. and mrs. marsh! voting just doesn't appear to be important to him. - stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote! - the whole thing is a joke! - you see? he's out of control! it's nearly torn our whole family apart. - well, my hands are tied. we can no longer have stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. he must be removed. - oh, are you happy now, stan? you just got yourself suspended. - no, i'm afraid it's worse than that. by county law, i'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible. - expulsion? - no, banishment. - b-banishment? - you can appeal to the city council, but i don't think it'll do any good. your son must leave south park, never to return. - oh, randy! [sobbing] - our son...banished! where did we go wrong? [sobbing]

- you...you're all joking, right? - as it was in the time of our forefathers, so it is now. stan marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from south park for all eternity or until you decide that voting is important. good-bye, stan. may the gods treat you more kindly than we did. - stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? is it really that big a deal? yeah, just vote. for giant douche. - i'm not voting! - yo, puffy, man, we just gonna let this happen? we got to kill this non-votin' fool! - no, chester, just let him go. he won't survive a fortnight in the wilderness.

- this is breaking your mother's heart, stan. she couldn't even help tie you to the horse. - dad, isn't this a little extreme? - jesus. i guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. good-bye, son. yah! [horn sounds] that's one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do. - look. what is that? - oh, the poor thing! - hello? - don't worry, we'll free you. - just sit still for a moment. - oh, thank god. - get off of him, you filthy human!

- poor thing needs water! - you're safe now. - shame on you, making this horse your slave! - awww! - come, you can live with us. - we will give you food and shelter. - what about me? - open the gate! - this poor creature's in need of food and water. you have a home here, friend. - the "kid" wants to stay too. - i was put on the horse. i didn't wanna ride it. - i don't know if you can stay. we'll have to ask dr. cornwallis; come. we don't normally allow outsiders. you see, here, we live in harmony with he animals. they're not our pets but our fellow living beings. we work with the animals and try to live as they do. we make friends with the animals. we coexist, and we intermarry.

this is my wife, janice. the outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama. but our love knows no boundaries. - wow, you guys really love animals. - and why not? mark here has been with kelly for three years now. and gary and sally here have just managed to have a child together. - kill me. - yes, life here is good and natural. but now that you know where our compound is, you'll have to either live with us or be murdered. - i'll live with you. - it's not up to you. you will have to talk with dr. cornwallis. - [munching]

what did he say? - he said i can stay. - excellent! dr. cornwallis is wise beyond his years. here's your peta t-shirt and a bumper sticker.

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- this is "debate 2004" with your host, jim lehrer. - welcome to the cable access televised debate between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. we'll start with giant douche. sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a giant douche represent them. what do you say to those people? - jim, first of all, i would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. and i would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming. - oh, suck-up, suck-up! - shh! - what? that's an obvious suck-up move. - but i would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. he is a turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich. - no, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are, in fact, the turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich! - sir, you are a turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich!

- uh, turd sandwich, i will ask you not to speak out of turn. - i'm sorry, jim. - anyway, as i was saying-- uh, wait, i forgot what i was saying. - ha, what a douche. - all right, turd sandwich, this next question is for you. how should south park elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events? - you know, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. if you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. he would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until finally, he was saved by the buzzer-- [buzzer] - your time is up, turd. - stan, i want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, theresa. she seems to have taken a liking to you. and she's ovulating. - uh, no, thanks, that's okay. - stan, some peta members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals. - i do love animals, just not like you guys do. - you don't belong here, stan. you should return home.

- i can't; i was banished for not voting. - but why on earth wouldn't you want to vote? - i think voting is great; i just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. - but, stan, don't you know? it's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. nearly every election, since the beginning of time, has been between some douche and some turd. they're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics. - i guess... i guess you're right. - yo, what did i say was going to happen to you, bitch? - ahh! - ah! he's wearing the skin of an animal! take that! i hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur. - idius, ronicus? [gunfire] vote or die! - protect the animals! protect the animals! ugh-ugh, ugh... - janice, we shall die together in each other's arms!

[gunshots] - oh, kill me! kill me! - m'kay, that's one more vote for turd sandwich. - so who won, mr. mackey? - it's pretty close, but it looks like giant douche is gonna win! - oh, no, no! - ha, you lose, fat ass! - hey, wait a minute! look! - stan! - stan, you came back, does that mean... you learned the importance of voting? - i learned that i'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice i'll have. - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪ ♪ let's make our voices heard ♪ ♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪

♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ ♪ a big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪ ♪ which do you like best? - stan's vote brings the total votes for turd sandwich to 36! and giant douche has 1,410. giant douche still wins! [all cheering] [all groaning] - dude, so my vote didn't even really matter! - hey! that's not true, stan. - you can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won. - your vote still mattered. - hey, everybody! they just found all the peta members murdered at their compound! [all gasping] - what? they're all dead? that means-- - that we can go back to being the south park cows! [all cheering] - now your vote didn't matter. - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪ ♪ let's make our voices heard ♪ ♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪

♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪me - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ e ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪emptai - ♪ going down to south park ♪outh ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪day o ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪dy neigh - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪o south ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ can't u - ♪ [muffled] mbling ) - ♪ come on down to south park ♪to sout ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪nds o

f we're the croods. welcome to a better way to live. ♪ welcome to my house

dun, dun ,dun. this place is changing everyone. give this place a chance. go i have to like him? grug. gruggers. grug. [ screaming ] grug. you have to be nice. i don't know if cave people belong in a modern world. we're evolved people. [ grunting ] maybe we should take it down a notch. bah, bah, bah. -bah, bah, bah. wow. ♪ you can go your own way ♪ go your own way your wireless. your rules. only xfinity mobile lets you choose shared data, unlimited or a mix of each. and switch anytime so you only pay for the data you need.

switch and save hundreds on your wireless bill. plus, get $300 off when you buy the samsung galaxy note20 ultra 5g. learn more at your local xfinity store today. theythey don't care whwho you marry.m. they don't care about your age, how you look, or if you go to therapy. pets don't care about what makes us different. they just love. 1 in 5 pets find homes through petsmart charities. adopt today at petsmart.com/adoptions. ♪

i love bedtime. the thin, sweet bite to end the night. oreo thins. [cheers and applause]ppla - if there is anyone out there tonighte tonig

who still doubts that america is a placelace where all things are possible,poible. who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time who still wonders if the dream of our founders who still questions the power of our democracy... tonight is your answer. - yeah! we did it, we f-ing did it!oo - it's been a long time coming but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this electione at this defining momentinim change has come to america.e chaange! it's changeeeee! - sasha and malia, i love you both more than you can imagine. and you have earned the new puppy you hav that's coming with us to the white house. we will name him "sparkles".m - hehe'so awesome! - where we are met with cynicism and doubtwe r and those who tell us that we can't,who tell we will respond with that timeless creedat that sums up the spirit of a people:spiritf - yes we can!

- yes i can! can ! yes i can! here comes the change, everybody!the h whoo! you se - did you see? our man is in! - we did it! - everything is going to be awesome now! - this is the greatest day of our lives! - everything is going to be awesome now! yes we can! y - i don't even know what to do now! don - i know what to do! - looosers! - loosers!sers ! loosers! looosers!loosers - we lost?lost ? it's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment. we fought as hard as we could.we fo the failure is mine, not yours.s mine, - no! - no! - aww, poor ol' john mccain. he looks real sad. - no, no, this can't happen-- no!l o, this - steven! - it's all over, linda!l o the country as we know it is about to change. we're all dead.

- you don't know that, steven!you d - with an inexperienced man as president inex we do know it!we he's right, game over man, m'kay! - we'll probably be dead by sunrise!e - butters, daddy loves you.,d just remember that. - butters, daddy loves you.,d he always loved you. [knocking at door] - wooo! obama! [knocking at door] [doorbell ringing] ( - dude, have you seen my parents? - no, everyone's out partying in the streets. what's wrong with your brother? - he was a mccain supporter. it's okay, ike, obama will do fine. - wahhhh! - mr. president!gratulat - congratulations! - change! - mr. president! - great job, obama! - thank you all for your support. we're going to spend the rest of the evening pend getting some much needed rest. pend

- president obama. ( [laughter] - boom, baby! - boom, baby!ba ! oh, man, that was perfect!oh man i almost thought we were going to tiet thog for a minute there. that would have screwed us! - you played it perfectly.nuthat there was no way.perfecs - it's mccain, we did it. t's mcca oba obama is president. - yeah, so i've heard. you guys are out of your freaking minds, you know that?at ? assemble the rest of the team. we've only got ten hours.asse assemble the rest of the team. - sure, hard part's over, right? - actually, the hard part's just starting.ovegh - ♪ yahoo yahoo - obama, yeah, i can't believe it! - obama! obama! - obama! - obama! - obama!a ! - ♪ celabrate good obama ♪ ♪ come on ♪ ♪ it's oba-obama ♪ - bleechh!bleechh

- yes, i'd like to make a noise complaint.ike to m ♪ who-who who-who-who ♪ who-wh - obama! - ♪ who-who who-who-who ♪ [siren blaring]en blari oh-oh, police are here!e are he oooohhhh! all: ooooh! - okay people, time to disperse.y peopl party's over.par - boo! boo - party, obama! - come on, time to go home. - what are you, a mccain voter?hat are all: yeah! - sorry pal, but obama's president now! oba obama! obama! [all chanting "obama!"]ama! - yeah, flip the cop car! flip the cop car!flip th - hey, put down my car! - yes we can! - no... hey, stop it!p ! - jesus christ.

- ♪ obama you're so fine ♪ ♪ you're so fine you blow my mind ♪ ♪ hey obama a ♪ ♪ hey obama ama ♪ - hey, you guys wanna buy a tv?ou guys [light applause]( - bravo, obama and mccain.bravo ten years you two have been working on this plan,havee and you finally pulled it off.pul guys, knowe all known each other a long time had many incredible adventures,incre but this is going to be our greatest feat ever.test fea - i knew it! i knew when you two ran for president you were just working an angle.orkinga - always workin' the angles. th - my friends, while the entire country is busyire u reacting to the electionlection we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history. we are about to pull off the greatest heist - so, come on, enlighten us. come what are we stealing this time?e ?

- the hope diamond. rated number four of the ten most precious diamondsdiou in the world.rld. going street value, middle eastern market, of course, $ 210 million dollars.10 ml - 210? - million. m - no, no, no, no, no.no, no, the hope diamond is ungettable. every thief in the world knows that.ld - almost ungettable.almos the diamond is kept in the smithsonian natural history museum long considered to be the mostt thief-proof structure ever built. the diamond wing is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel.idee on the northeast side, a seven-five laser system. there is simply no side of the smithsonianof th that can be breached.t cab - so you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top.drop - can't get to it from the top,get to because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse. - okay, you can't get into the museum from any side,geo and you can't drop in from above.'t so you can't get the diamond.u can't - meet the presidential escape tunnel,e presi a two-mile-long underground passageugr

that runs from the white housethe whit to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack.casef the tunnel is only accessible from the oval office and just happens to travel...pens . right underneath the smithsonian national history museum.l hr together: boom, baby!m ba! - you get somebody into that tunnelyou get they can blast into the museum, into let the others in... the heisthis on. . - so you both run for president,you both because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel. - and we run a particularly brutal campaign particu so that the nation is as distracted as possibleract over the next eight hours.next - this all sounds very risky.s - we've spent ten years putting this plan together.ther. if we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world...ld, - and we are. if we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world...ld, - we won't get caught.t - yes, i'm trying to locate my parents.e myp my name is kyle broflovski. yes, i know obama won. - kyle-- kyle, you gotta get out here!get o - what? - your little brother's climbed out of the window! i think he's going to jump!he w - oh, my god!my god ! - [crying]

- ike, don't do it! there's still so much to live for!till so - i know you really w wanted mccain to win,y but it's going to be okay. - i know you really w wanted mccain to win,y - [babbling baby-speak]ingb no, - no, that's not true, ike! the economy could easily stabilize with obama's plan!nl - [babbles] - ike, don't jump! you could really hurt your ankle or something. - [crying] - really, ike that's like five feet off the ground. don't do it! - really, ike that's like five feet off the ground. - good-bye. - no! - no! - ike... oh, crap, ike?e...

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thank you for allowing me to get my money right. the fighting spirit is one we for eduardo pérez, it drove him to thrive in his search for a better life. immigrating from guatemala at 18, he found work as a dishwasher... a line cook, sous chef, and eventually... fought to the top of one of the most challenging professions in the world. proving that there is no challenge that can hold back a fighting spirit. since 1925, we've proved that it doesn't matter where you come from, it matters what you're made of. modelo. brewed for those with a fighting spirit. last night i switched bodies withfreaky, right?er. [ screaming ] ♪ i'm just a girl it's me, it's millie. yeah. yeah. blissfield high. feel our glory and our might. [ screaming ] ♪ i'm just a girl everybody is freaking out. ♪ i'm just a girl ♪ guess i'm some kinda freak ♪ are you serious? oh my god it's a slaughterhouse.

freaky, right? - all right, everyone, i'm turning in for the night. go to standard security, team three.te sir, we have a bit of a problem.e have - what?

- the new president elect is here. he wants in to th the oval office.o - barack obama? - they're all right th through here, sir.ht is there something we can do for you mr. obama? is t - just checking out the new digs.king ou how are you guys? are yu - good, sir. how are you guys? are yu i' - i'd like to see the oval office, please. - right now? - i don't waste time, gentlemen.aste n. i've only got two months to figure ouths how i want to redecorate,e, if you know what i mean. you know, change the drapes and stuff. - sure, right this way mr. president. - i will need absolute privacy.i wil is that understood?erstood - yes, sir. - thanks. - i got $100!i got a - all right, mccain, i'm in.ight, mc - nicely done, "b."iceldon we're in position outside the smithsonian.n. you find the escape tunnel? - i'm already on it.

boom, baby.boo [crowd cheering] - whoo, change! - change! - change! - dad... dad, we have a problem!... dad - not anymore we don't! we' everything's different now!fferen - no, dad we gotta take kyle's brother to the hospital! hospit - we don't have to take crap from the rich fat cats anymore!e ri - dude, he's wasted. - hey it's my boss.boss ! hey boss! - oh, hello, marsh. - yeah, you know what?w wh [bleep] you!f--k - huh? - you heard me you [bleep] piece of [bleep]! i can finally tell you what i think of you!of yo [bleep] asshole.e. - dad, what are you doing?ad what - it's okay, stan, everything's changed. i don't need his stupid [bleep] job anymore!ob anr you're a little [bleep] ass [bleep]ass --- piece a [bleep]. you know what obama said? "yes we can!""yes - hey, i voted for obama! - obama's not talking about you!'s not

- can someone help us?eonel my little brother fell out the window! - i just want to say to everyone just wa who's a little disappointed that we lost the electionthc that there's always next year!s maybe i'll run for vice president again in 2009!i - uh, mrs. palin, h have you seen o or heard from john mccain? - uhh, no, i don't really know where he went.i don't kind of seems a little odd, i guess, but--s, but- [phone rings]ng ) oh, my phone's going ringy. excuse me. halllo? - hello sarah, it's mccain. - [british accent] i hope to god you'rehope o e calling to tell meyou're you're in position below the vault with the l-7 charges. - i'm in the tunntunnel now, sarah. should be almost below the museum.l - just make sure you don't blow the transformers ther because it will trigger the 5.4 laser system. and don't damage any coupling wires ge because it will trigger the 5.4 laser system. or it'll be worthless when garret shuts down the grid.coupl i'll be there in 30.'ll bt - god, she's awesome. - [palin voice] oh, i guess senator mccain's

gonna fly me back to alaska now. he's got a private jet you know.priv okay, bye-bye then!kay, bye bloody idiots. - all right, here we go. - what's that noise? - it's okay, just some construction outside.st se [explosion] - oh, no. mccain, we've got a problem. - hang in there ike, we we're gonna get you help.e, - hey, there's some people!there's - listen, stay back. stay back!st we don't have any more room in the ark!oro - you have to let us in! have to you know the country is doomed!

- who are you to turn us away? you - i built this bunker in case mccain lost!turn there isn't enough room for everyone!oom - hey excuse me, but we need some help.t wee - i know you do!u do but there's no more room, i tell ya! - you're going to deny them too?ing to - god sakes, man, they're children! look them in the eyeshe es and tell them you won't take them in! - let go of my face, asshole.let g - all right, damn you! the children can come in! - no, we don't want in your stupid shelter! - okay, then i want their place.lace. - me too! - we need to get a ride to the hospital! - there isn't going to be a hospital! the hpi don't you get it?don't y - let us in now! [all shouting] - oh, jeez, it's already happening! oh society's breaking down!iet - oboba hasn't been elected four hoursn and already the country is going to hell!is g [knocking at door] - mr. obama? sir? obama.. all right, give me the keys.the - is there a problem, gentlemen?

- uh, no, no sir.ever everything okay in there? - why wouldn't it be?w i'm sorry, but i asked to be left alone.i asked - yes, sir, it's just that your wife is here.your wif - barack, everyone's been looking for you! what on earth are are you doing? - come on in, darling.... m th-thank you boys.th-than - okay, barack, tell me what's going on.y rack - michelle, there's something i need tell you. - what is it? barack, what is it? - the laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago.y - you gotta be kidding me!dding me so the entire diamond vault is inaccessible? diam is mccain online?i - your guys weren't running update checks on the security logs? - michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack to the vault relay.t sck - on a new system, in an hour?on a - my job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system. hacks

- michelle, it's sarah.lle, they did replace the laser system,laser but the new one isn't brand-new.brand ne it's an old h-7 series. h- you can break this baby in 30 minutes. - ugh, tell davis to get me a foretrans emittert me and enough pulse drives to light a spark. to l th - you catch that, davis?ch - i'm on it.

we love our new home. there's so much space. we have a guestroom now. but, we have aunts. you're slouching again, ted. expired, expired... expired. thanks, aunt bonnie.

it's a lot of house. i hope you can keep it clean. at least geico makes bundling our home and car insurance easy. which helps us save a lot of money oh, teddy. did you get my friend request? uh, i'll have to check. (doorbell ringing) aunt joni's here! for bundling made easy, go to geico.com. hello? for bundling made easy, go to geico.com. metro has the best deal in wireless. so whatever your goal, however you hustle, metro has you covered, so you can rule your day. get unlimited data with 5g access included for just $35 a line.

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- we made it, ike. you're going to be okay.ou're go - [groans] [people shouting]

- there, just take a seat over there! - excuse me. my little brother needs medical attention. - was he an obama supporter en or a mccain supporter?eeds - why does that matter? - was he an obama supporter en or a mccain supporter?eeds - because then i'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself.lf. [all groaning] - ma'am, please, i think my little brother needs immediate help! hel! - you don't understand, kid! there's only two doctors on call!uly and doctor wilson is out celebratingout cele in the street somewhere!eete - so where's the other doctor?here's - hey, come on people! we can keep partying, can't we?t we ? ♪ ohhhh - bama hh - ba ♪ well you came and you gave without taking ♪ - shut up! ♪ when you kissed me and stopped me from shaking ♪d ♪ but i sent you away ♪ a

- i've almost got it. i you're only going to have five minutes. going t do you understand?do yo - did you really not like pretending to be married? - oh, jesus, now is not the time, "b."esus, n - come on, you have to admit we had some fun.on, you - my girls need somebody bettersomebod than a world-class diamond thief.diamo wait, there, i got it.wait, - all right, everyone we're about to go.t e veryogo so here's the revised schedule:the at the northwest exit of the museum.est 4:45 a.m. michelle hacks the optical relayelle ha allowing me access to the rear doors. - go!g and let in the rest of the crew. 5:10 am, at the department of power quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother,onday who faked her death on monday, calls in a bomb threat to the museum. - i said i put a bomb in your building, yes.eum. 5:13 the guards open the southwest door, t checking the museum for any bombs.bombs. 5:14, mccain, dressed as a football player,s enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm.arm.

ey - hey, you, stop! - michelle and i head back into the tunnel,e and i and the hole is patched.le a 5:15 am, i walk out of the oval office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus.y all done, thanks.all don [laughter] all: boom, baby!m baby ! - just one thing. don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear, go looking for you? - we hired a guy for that a couple months ago.y fort beep! ( c [explosion] - what the hell?

- here are all the tickets for your group, mr. sanchez.es - thank you very much.k yov - well, friends, let us depart.w - hey, uh, you guys go ahead. i just came to say goodbye.ay good - what? - i've decided to hang it up,t ?cid maybe give this president thing a shot.psit - "b," you can't be serious!u can't - besides, you died in a jet in the rocky mountains, remember?o

- could have been i didn't make that flight.d have what do you say, michelle?what o would you an and your girlsou like to move into the white house with me? just be president and first lady for a while? - you're serious. - who knows, maybe we could change a few things.ybe w what'dya say? ? - ah... what the [bleep]? i j - i just love happy endings. - it's still here. it's all still here! - does that mean maybe we overreacted? - no, no, i wouldn't say that.o, no, i it's just, maybe...s just maybe obama will be all right.be obama - [groaning] oh, ow. ow. hey, where are my pants?where - where's our tv?

where are my pants, and where's my tv? - dad, your boss called. he he said you're fired.d - ugh-- god dammit! obama said things would be different!ld be d that son of a bitch lied to us!ied to i knew i should have voted for mccain! have ragh! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪