five weeks now. still haven't seen the beach. captioning by captionmax it'swww.captionmax.comtors. distancing show. i'm trevor noah. today is thursday, the 5th of november, and i know what everyone is thinking right now -- "it's the 5th of november, and no one knows when we can start playing christmas songs! when can we start, already? mariah carey, tells when we can start! coming up on the show, donald trump isn't going anywhere, coronavirus also isn't going anywhere, and michael kosta tells us why we should all be very afraid. so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show" with trevor noah. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: we are now on day three of election day, and i

don't know about you, but this election is starting to feel like that friend who you let crash on your couch for a weekend but then you quickly realize that you've officially got a new roommate. let's see what's happening with our situationship in our ongoing segment votegasm 2020. ♪ ♪ let's get to the big news first -- president donald just a minute trump is in more trouble than the guy who kidnapped liam neeson's daughter because all day joe biden has slowly been chipping away at trump's lead in georgia while cleaning up as mail-in ballots are counted in pennsylvania. basically by the time you're watching this, it could all be over, so by tonight you're popping champagne or your stress pimples. even though things look bad, donald trump is not a quitter, if you don't count his casinos and marriages, and he still has several strategies to win. let's so through the strategies

today. strategy number one is trump's first response to anything whether it's trying to get out of paying a bill or silence ago porn star -- lawsuits. >> with his path to reelection appearing to narrow, president trump's relying on relief from the courts that may never come, filing suits in michigan and pennsylvania to stop vote counting until the trump campaign can access the counting locations, the trump campaign saying it would request a recount in wisconsin where joe biden is the apparent winner. >> the trump campaign filing a lawsuit in georgia alleging one of its poll observers saw late absentee ballots illegally added to a stack of on-time absentee ballots in a heavily democratic county that includes savannah. >> quite possibly we'll do a national lawsuit and really expose the corruption of the democratic party. >> trevor: whoo! a national lawsuit? if you're watching this, consider yourself served! what a difference between 2016 and 2020. when hillary lost, she disappeared into the woods.

but trump starts losing, he's dragging voters one by one on to the witness stand, though he's probably just hustling for a big settlement. i'm suing because i should be president, that's why i'm here. but for 500-grand we can forget this whole thing ever happened. 300,000. 250- my final offer. 50,000. i'll pay you, but only $20, art of the deal. but what case exactly are they bringing to the courts? well, rudy giuliani, the president's lawyer and man who drank from the wrong holy jail explained his objects tan outing the vote. >> not a single republican has been able to look at any one of these mail-in ballots. they could be from mars as far as we're concerned or from the democratic national committee. joe biden would have voted 50 times or 5,000 times. you have a reputation for dead people voting and we'll look at how many dead people voted here. do you think we're stupid? do you think we're foomtion?

>> trevor: do you think we're fools? calm down count wackula. if you're talking about you and trump, yes, we think you're fools. but if you're talking about the entire trump administration, then also yes. come on, dude. joe biden isn't voting 5,000 times. have you seen the long lines? not even joe biden wants joe biden to be president bad enough to wait that long. as for looking into dead people, it's going to be hilarious when rudy giuliani question the dead people on how they voted. did the democrats get you to vote for them? no, i'm a dead guy just like you. i'm alive! you should get that whole thing checked out, oooh -- it's really hard to keep track of all the lawsuits that are happening but luckily we have dulce sloan the election lawsuit center to help us break it down so who is trump suing right now?

>> let's take a look, there ever trevor, we've got a whole bunch of lawsuits coming in fast. we already know trump is pennsylvania, michigan and d.p.a. but got etch more on the way. arizona your ass is getting sued. nevada, lawyer up, you're getting sued. utah, you're neighbors with nevada, trump's going to sue you because it's con sente to pop by. pennsylvania, that's right, again, you're getting double sued, and trump isn't just suing states, france, your ass is getting sued, for what? not sure. see you in court. also, eric trump said he found a box of trump votes in a volcano on mars, so mars your red ass is getting sued. and i almost forgot, pennsylvania triple sued. just for thinking trump was done suing you. guess wholes trump is suing -- guess who else trump is suing? donald trump, because if it wasn't for his bullshit he

wouldn't be losing pennsylvania, which trump is suing again, quadruple sue! that's all we've got, defendant 32. see you in court, bitch. >> trevor: oh, man, i've always wanted to be sued by trump. thank you so much for that dulce. so it's going to take time for these lawsuits sob thrown out by a series of lower courts before the supreme court does whatever trump wants. but trump isn't sitting around waiting. he's urging followers to take to the streets showing up like coronavirus at a rose garden event. >> protesters, why the trump campaign wants some states to stop counting votes while other states continue counting. >> in arizona overnight hundreds of trump supporters, some armed gather outside a phenix election center saying the election was being stolen from the president. protestors looking to keep the count going as the race tightens ( chanting where are the votes ) and in the battleground state of pennsylvania, voters say the

tension there is intense. >> temps flaring from coast to coast. >> the biden crime family stole this election. the media is covering it up! we want our freedom for the world! give us our freedom joe biden. >> trevor: two things, first, this ugly behavior undermines the foundations of american democracy and, secondly, i hope they have that barbecue beer freedom shirt in a hoodie version, that is dope. also the biden crime family? that has got to be the least threatening sounding organized crime family ever. you know, you've got a really nice place here, be a pity if some malarkey happened to it. i don't know, i don't know. i mean, seriously, i can't believe we were all terrified that trump supporters would coordinate a civil war and yet these guys can't agree on a slogan to shout in the streets because they're chanting to

count the votes if trump is behind in the states but then if he's ahead they're chanting to stop the count. i mean, what happens if the state switches? count the votes! well we are counting and looks like joe biden has just taken the lead. okay, stop counting the votes! we changed our minds! depends how it goes! but if trump can't win the election in the streets, he has one final plan, to win the election in the tweets. >> the president, after election day, out of sight but far from quiet, ignoring the ongoing vote count and declaring himself the winner in several crucial battlegrounds, writing on tweeter in part we hereby claim the state of michigan, but that's not a candidate's call to make. >> trevor: no, come on, donald, what are you doing, man? just because you shout it doesn't mean it's yours. this is the election, not riding shotgun. it's mine! i call white house! and isn't it ironic that trump spent months warning that rioters were going to loot all the stores, but now he's the one trying to loot the electoral

college. it's all mine. it should have been mine. i won it. it's all mine. also, can we agree that it's adorable how he included the word hereby? just to make it sound smarter and more official. you know, he's like oh, no, i said hereby so this is real. you can't use that in 2020. that shit only worked back in the day when penal were colonizing land. i declare the land property of her majesty the queen! this is our land! we will kill you! well, then, i hereby declare this land property of her majesty the queen. oh, guise, he said hereby, there's nothing we can do now. stand back and stand by. crafty, huh? but if none of these plans work and donald trump can't stop joe biden from becoming president all is not lost for the g.o.p. because it turns out mitch mcconnell, senate majority leader and world's most powerful ball sack, has got a plan to take care of biden even if he wins. >> axios has a good piece out

today about mcconnell arguing if he keeps the majority he will force biden to keep his cabinet choices centrist. >> mcconnell's already lining up troops to be ready to make things dill for the biden administration, looking to control the type of cabinet biden can assemble and the type of hearings he can have. >> mitch mcconnell and the republicans in the senate will be a block game for us. >> doesn't matter who's the president, i will be the blocker in chief. so that's where things stand with the election. well, i mean, that's where things stand if you're watching the news. because if you're watching fox news, it's a lot different. we actually ask desi lydic to watch fox for the last 48 hours to explain what's going on and this is what she found. >> well, surprise, vies the do knot democrats are trying to steal this election. i.c.e. agents found thousands of trump votes floating in the river. states out arizona, pennsylvania, nevada, gavment put them together, what is that?

the ukrainian milk company. who's the chairman of the board. hunter biden. pennsylvania isn't even a state, it's a commonwealth, common plus commonwealth. count the votes, count the stop. stop the count. hop on pop. omar voted 53 times in mart, georgia. depends to democrats and make republicans fill out ballots with a sharpie? sniffs, smells like dead leam voting. rudy giuliani found 50,000 trump votes in a goodie back. in more cases, more counting, more testing, more blatz, has anyone seen fauci and silber in the same room. counting. stop the numbers! arizona rescind the call, call your mom. my son won't talk to me. >> trevor: thank you so much, desi, stay hydrated. we're going to take a quick break. when we come back, we'll take a look at where we are with the coronavirus because we may have forgotten about covid but covid definitely hasn't forgotten

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>> this is the highest volumes that we've seen throughout this pandemic. >> as many focus on election results, first responders are still struggling to save lives, with covid cases climbing in 43 states. >> we cannot afford to lose anymore lives. >> colorado is accepting fraishts outsides its borders but like other regions they too are facing a 100% spike in new cases, though the mortality rate has been improved, the volume in cases is accounting or an increase in deaths in 32 states. >> trevor: that's right, 100,000 new cases a day and increase in deaths in 32 states. don't forget, this is nine months in! nine months! covid 19 is like if godzilla attacked tokyo but then signed a long-term lease. i love this city! there's always something happening and everyone knows my name when i walk down the streets! but as you can see, coronavirus does not give a shit about politics, even after the

election, it carries on. don't get me wrong, it was honored to meet the sitting president but it's not going to stop just because it's election time. while the situation in the united states is uniquely bad the pandemic is getting worse in countries where the disease was under control. i mean among the countries calling strict new lockdowns today the united kingdom announced theirs. giving the brits advanced warning might not have been smart. >> starting today boris johnson is enforcing a second national lockdown to last at least till december 2. all nonessential businesses must close and bars and restaurants can offer only takeout. the united kingdom celebrated the last night of freedom before today's new covid 19 lockdown took effect. bars and restaurants were filled with people enjoying a last national outing for a while. this is like people who cheat at bachelor parties! it still counts and you should

definitely get tested! maybe covid works differently in britain. maybe british corona gives you a head start. all right, everybody, get one more point and then i'm coming for ya! there is some good news, doctors are getting better at treating covid 19, pharmaceutical companies are coming closer to having a vaccine, and now a computer scientist might have found a faster way to diagnose the sickness. >> scientists at myth have a new way to figure out if someone's cough is a potential symptom of covid 19. they just listen to it. researchers say there's a difference in sound from a covid cough versus a regular cough even if a patient is asymptomatic. it's almost imperceptible to the human ear but artificial intelligence can tell. what's called the sentiment of the cough. researchers are hoping to use

this as a screening tool for schools or other public places. >> trevor: this is amazing. we thought we needed a vaccine but we just needed shazam for diseases. ha choo! oh, ebola, i knew it was you, baby. great news for us human beings, using technology to fix our diseases. but i feel bad for the artificial intelligence we designed just for this purpose. >> i am necksous here to cultivate the galaxies and the origins of life. great, can you tell me if this cough sounds weird? ( coughing ). >> somebody kill me. please kill me now. >> trevor: we'll take a quick break but when we come back michael kosta gives us even more reasons to be terrified of the election and then soledad o'brien joins us to talk about what the media got wrong. so don't go is now a good time for a flare-up? enough, crohn's.

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♪ yeah, your grandmama probably know me ♪ come on man. wow. new doritos flamin' hot limon. ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." so we've all been watching the votes slowly be counted. who knows, as i'm saying these words to you now the news networks may have already declared biden or trump victorious, but that won't be the end of it, and michael kosta tells us why. >> welcome to the presidential race that will not end. 2020 has already been a torturous marathon of election cycle so what's one more week. plus i'm keeping a close eye on

my stress levels. "new york times" has the needle from hell, then the sexy cartoon fox. i thought i would make my descent into madness meter, i can let you know how stressed out you should be. right now we can sit back and rest assured the states will count every ballot in a timely fashion which is right now i'm in the zen zone. >> the presidential race still undecided. millions of votes still being counted. >> okay. >> well i'm sure that's not a big deal but just to put my mind at ease let's talk to an expert in chaos theory. close but more like this. meet ned, an expert in u.s. electoral chaos. from a potential disaster standpoint, what happens if we don't know the results of this election? >> we're fine for a couple of weeks. i mean, we don't really have to worry again until we get to monday, december 14. so that's actually the real presidential election, that's when the electoral college

meets. there's a provision of federal law, title 3 of the u.s. code, section 7, it talks about the meeting of the electoral college being the first monday after the second wednesday in december. >> i thought it was the fourth thursday in november. >> isn't that thanksgiving? >> well then when's my anniversary? >> you tell me. >> okay. it's december 14, and not all the votes have been counted, what happens? >> well, that would be bad. that would be very bad. >> woo. ned tells me if the vote count is not complete by december 14, which i marked on my calendar, the states get to ignore the popular vote and send their own electors. this is an actual law? >> that would authorize or at least give a state legislature grounds for stepping in and saying, well, we're just going to step in and appoint electors ourselves. >> i'm going to take notes.

>> okay. both the senate and the house -- >> turns out, a lot o of nightme scenarios in a clear winner doesn't emerge. >> who do you think it benefits, trump or biden, if this delayed situation continues and we don't know an answer by december 14th? >> depending upon who is looking like they're going to win the popular vote, it becomes strategically advantaged to the other candidate to try to mess up the system. it becomes ad advantageous for m trump to try to derail the popular vote. >> and how does trump derail the popular vote? it's the lawsuits that you're seeing now. all kinds of lawsuits. >> pennsylvania has become the center of multiple 2020 election lawsuits. >> the 2020 vote has already seen more lawsuits filed than any other race. >> with trump's top lawyers, like this guy. >> do you think we're stupid? do you think we're fools? >> which definitely could lead to panicking. >> one of the reasons why you

might feel panicky is that's what donald trump wants you to feel because he knows if all legal eligible votes are counted in pennsylvania he's quite lil going to lose. meet the man currently fighting trump's lawyers in pennsylvania where this election might be decided. attorney general josh shapiro. >> election day is over, it's still too close to call. on a level of oh, shit to holy (~bleep ) shit, how stressed ant this election should by? >> you shouldn't be stressed at all. you voted, you did your part, now let us count the votes and deal with what may come. my team and i have been preparing for this election for more than four months. we knew we would be facing litigation before the election. >> do you get a notification on your phone every time someone sues pennsylvania, like how i get a text messages? >> i get notifications, texts, staff calling. here's the thing about these lawsuits, right, donald trump puts out some crazy tweets, and he says some outrageous things,

but in a court of law, we don't deal in tweets and craze in statements, we deal in facts and evidence. >> you're composed, calm, you've got the answers, probably how you became attorney general, but when do you think the legal dust will finally settle for the 2020 election? >> i think you will have a certified count here as required by law been the next ten days or so, and we'll move forward with the process and begin to try to heal this country. >> a.g.shaps is handling this. there's a process, a system mapped out by the constitution. it's not madness stribled on a whiteboard. everything will be fine, okay, nervous ned? >> january 20th is to my mind the ultimate nightmare. what if we get to january 20th l competition and still uncertainty and the general's in the pentagon don't know who gets the nuclear codes?

>> you may not know the answer to this, but what does the constitution say about transferring nuclear codes? >> it doesn't say anything because it was written before the nuclear age. >> ned, thank you. i feel a lot more at ease. it's clear what's going to happen in the next two months and my anxiety is already lowered. so thanks a lot. jesus christ, we're all going to (~bleep ) die. so the tiny detail that isn't worked out is the nukes. aaahhh! well at least we can stop tracking stress levels. >> trevor: thank you so much for that, michael. when we come back, soledad o'brien will be joining us on the show to talk about what the media got right and wrong about covering the election. don't go away. you doing okay? yeah. this moving thing never gets any easier. well, xfinity makes moving super easy. i can transfer my internet and tv service in about a minute. wow, that is easy. almost as easy as having those guys help you move. we are those guys. that's you? the truck adds 10 pounds.

in the arms. -okay... transfer your service online in a few easy steps. now that's simple, easy, awesome. transfer your service in minutes, making moving with xfinity a breeze. visit xfinity.com/moving today. daily social distancing show. earlier today i spoke with award-winning broadcast journalist soledad o'brien. we chatted about the media's coverage of the election, of donald trump, and so much more. soledad o'brien, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> thank you. thanks for having me.

>> trevor: you're one of my favorite people to talk to about this topic in particular because you've worked in tv journalism, tv news for, what, three decades now. everybody from cnn to msnbc, et cetera, you've also been very critical of how the media has handled not just the election but news in general. let's start with the election and talk about that. what do you think the news and the media have gotten wrong in covering the election? >> i think it's always a mistake to platform lies, and i think the mistake that's been made is to uncritically quote or tweet quote the president, who is lying. we know he's lying. we count, actually, the thousands of lies that he, you know, tweets and says every single day, and, so, to just quote the president and give him a platform for something we all agree, all know is a lie is a huge mistake and that continued on during the election and for the past four years. so that's been terrible. but i think post-election it's

gotten bert, post-election day. >> trevor: let's talk about that because america is in a tough place, right? it's an interesting country because there is the idea that it's not a monarchy, right. they say this is a society, it's a democracy, the president is a civil servant just like every other one, but there's also a certain reverence. this is the president. even though donald trump is lying, the president is speaking. and, so, you can feel journalists have this thing where they go, the president told me that my mother is responsible for the stolen votes, and i asked my mom and she did not agree, but that's what the president said. like, how -- how do you think the media has to figure out how to navigate that relationship because i can see a lot of them don't want to seem disrespectful of the president, but, at the same time, because he's now the president, he can just lie and the media has to say what his lie was. >> yeah, there's been a reverence for the office, right, even though the person in the office wasn't particularly reverent himself or deserving of

the reverence, and i think it's one of the reasons we saw, oh, my gosh, the "new york times" beginning to call the president's lysacek. i'm going to take full credit for that. i am going to take credit for that. it took something like three years, but things that were lies were lies, or things that were racist, just saying this statement is racist. and i do believe it's because of that very thing. there's a sense that whether you like the guy or hate the guy, the office itself deserves a certain reverence. so i think that really did slow the media down, plus i would argue, when you want to have access, you have a president who's reading or writing everything or tweeting, you have to be very careful about how you frame things or there's a good chance you won't get access, frankly. >> trevor: that's something i find strange about american journalism. i lived in a country where you didn't have access. that's how it works. access is not what journalists have. access find the things that are

not given to you with access because access often comes with misinformation. american journalists have had access to so many things. they had access to thrice about vietnam. that was the access. so i wonder sometimes, like, why are american journalists so obsessed with access when that access could be misinformation? it should be journalism, should b it? >> yeah, i think there's a quid pro quo that comes with access, right, and that is either you're going to slide something nice about me in your next article or column, you're going to quote me, i scratch your back, you scratch mine, i get interesting breaking news and you get to feed off that for a while. that you're seeing right now, the pundits have gone away. no one wants to hear from the pundits. they're wrong, who cares, we don't need them. >> trevor: right. >> you know what they're doing? tv organizations are camped out talking to the head of elections in maricopa county. >> trevor: right. >> that is journalism, that is reporting, that is not access someone calling you up, you

scratch my back, i scratch yours, it's just doing the work, and i would argue most journalists are not access journalists. they're not going to write a book about their time at the house, telling you funny stories about hanging out with john boehner. they go every day into communities and try to figure out what the accurate story is and sometimes they get it right, sometimes mistakes are made, and i think most journalists do a really good job, but when you're going for access, i do think it kind of screws up your perspective and, no, you don't need good access to do good reporting, you really don't. >> trevor: when people talk about the media, what we mean, especially in america, is cable news, for the most part, because you are completely correct because if you read the news you find amazing journalist who break most stories that inform how we even see the world. when it comes to cable news, pundits seem to be more important than facts. you just write people on. i'm going to bring on this one person to say why latinos like

trump. then i'm going to bring on another person to say why latinos don't like trump. you guys fight. thanks for tuning into the news. that the a great formula for creating conflict for the screen but it doesn't really inform people. it's people's opinions and pundits trying to guess something. and there's no ramification if they get it wrong. yeah, this is why i was wrong, it's because the information didn't match what i was saying. >> yeah, and also the important piece you're missing is it's cheap. it's cheap. you pay all those people, they are on every show, they rotate through. you've seen the nine person set, it doesn't cost any money. what's expensive is going into the fields with a crew for the next three days and shooting and doing interviews and writing the story and bringing it back and editing your story, that cost as lot of money and actually you can hire a guy or two for that same cost right and they will be on your set for the next year. that contributor contract is for every show that they want to be on over the next year.

it's a sum cost, very easy and costs you no money, and you also have this built-in sense of urgency and sense of drama that i think everybody feels every story needs that actually takes some work when you're going to do it in a taped spot. so i truly believe a big factor in that is just cost, it's just money. >> trevor: you have been someone who's been critical of the media for a while, especially, like -- and not broadly. obviously, you know, you've given props where props were due but you have points about the shortcomings. when you look at the news, especially cable news, we have to acknowledge that there is a certain price to pay for, like, neutrality, for instance. cable news likes to bring people on to go, like, this person believes that black people are human beings but this person doesn't agree. let's talk to them and see why they say that. this neutrality on the surface seems to be about impartiality but really it creates a world where there is no facts, there's

nothing we agree on, it's up for discussion. again, it's great for ratings but not good for informing people. how do you think news networks can find that balance? because at the end of the day they're businesses now but they're also claiming to inform people. is there a balance that can be achieved? >> yes, absolutely. i actually think people really want context. i think it's one of the reasons podcasts are so successful now, people want to understand. so wait, walk me through the history a bit and who are these people and what's their point of view exactly? they want to hear the well-told story rolled out and explained versus this guy, rick santorum who's going to make up something because he's not an expert in a lot except being a failed congressman, versus pick your other congressman on the other side, and i think this depth of expertise is really problematic. when we started doing -- we do a show about policy called matter of fact, we're not live. the president is tweeting every

morning and we pre-tape on thursday for sunday. so we decided to lean in hard to context. what is the first amendment? what does gerrymandering mean and where did it come from? how is it possible that you can live on a minimum wage income and not be able to afford a two-bedroom apartment? because of that we actually very rarely talk politics. we talk about policy. we talk about people. i have no idea if they're republicans, if they're democrats, if they're independents, if they vote, they tell us what's happening in their lives and we talk about the policy and because it's not framed as this versus this, i think it's a much more interesting conversation, and it does really well, we do better than most of the cable shows. >> trevor: if the election is called and if joe biden becomes president, then at some point he will be taking office, at some point he will move into the white house, which means at some point donald trump will no longer be president of the united states. if that were to happen, what would your advice be to news rooms? because i strongly suspect that

they are going to try to keep covering trump despite the fact he's no longer in office. what did he say today? former president trump said burritos are part of the problem. what would your advice be to news networks post-donald trump and people watching the news post-donald trump? >> all that would matter is do his comments bring ratings, and i'm going to argue they don't. you can see the poor fox news anchors, right, when he's been on the phone for w them for 30 minutes, they're, like, well, mr. president, i eknow you've got to go, mr. president, and he won't get off the phone. so, you know, i think if they think they can get ratings, doesn't matter the advice, because they will go for the ratings, but i think you are going to find that there are not ratings there to be had that actually he's not great ratings, he's not ratings gold. he was ratings gold when he was, wow, wacky over the top who knows what he's going to do, but the song and dance is getting very old, everybody understands it and it's kind of rambley old

grandpa, uncle, you know, things like that. it's the kind of person you're like, okay, nice to see you, then you move seven seats away because you don't want to be part of that. i think he's falling into that category and i can tell you only by watching, i feel sorry, which i rarely do for the fox news anchors, but i feel sorry for them as they're trying to get him off the phone and he won't go. >> trevor: i'm glad that you have a show. i'm glad you have a podcast because people are enjoying the context and i appreciate the context that you bring. thank you so much for joining us on the show and hope to see you again. >> thanks >> trevor: and don't forget, soledad's public affairs show "matter of fact" airs sundays on hearst, and be sure to check out her new podcast, "very opinionated." okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. t's our show for

tonight, but before we go -- there's going to be a lot of uncertainty in the next few weeks about vote counting. luckily, the american civil liberties union has been fighting all year to secure everyone's fundamental right to vote. and now they're working to ensure that every vote is counted. if you can help them out, you can donate now to support that cause. until next week -- stay safe out there, wear a mask, and i hereby declare coronavirus over! hooray! (coughs) aw, well, it was worth a try. i guess that doesn't work. now, here it is -- your moment of zen.

♪ ♪ >> that is the president of the united states. that is the most powerful person in the world, and we see him like an obese turtle on his back flailing in the hot sun, realizing his time is over. (pam on phone) well, i should go. all right. i'll tell everybody here that you say hi. no, don't. i'm mad at them. [chuckling] why? what happened? not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement. ah. that they might be off the hook for, because i didn't tell them. what? why not? [chuckles] i just didn't, you know, want to deal-- come on, it won't be that bad. okay, you know what? here we go. [hangs up receiver] uh, everybody, just wanted to make an announcement. pam and i are engaged.

hi, everyone. i thought you were already engaged. nope. that was roy. she was engaged to roy. thank you, angela. i got a gift for pam and roy. do i have to get another one? yes. a little close to my engagement there, tuna. what's your game here? to get married. she's not a virgin, you know. wow. what's going on? no, nothing. nothing, michael. just saying hi. the tall guy got engaged. to be married? yep. [drops briefcase] sorry. [cheerful music] ♪ (holly) pencils down! just kidding. take your time. (holly) today is ethics day.

after they finish the quiz, i'm gonna run my first meeting here. it's gonna be in-sane! [chuckles] no, it's not. i have to read from the binder. i got it. i got it. ♪ i took you to an intimate restaurant ♪ ♪ then to a suggestive movie ♪ there's nothing left to talk about ♪ ♪ unless it's horizontally (both) ♪ let's get ethical, ethical ♪ i wanna get ethical ♪ let's get into ethics, yeah ♪ ♪ let me hear dunder mifflin talk ♪ ♪ your body talk ♪ let me hear your body talk ♪ whoo! all right! why are you helping her? you're not even dating. she's my friend, and ultimately my strategy is to sort of merge this into a relationship without her even knowing.