tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central November 18, 2020 1:14am-2:00am PST
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closing indoor dining, gyms, and putting an end to youth sports through the end of the year. california also seeing a surge. starting tuesday, 94% of the state will fall under its strictest tier of restrictions. in michigan, rapid spread, almost 13,000 new covid-19 cases in one day. in utah, i.c.u.s are nearing capacity. frontline workers from new york, once the epicenter of the virus, are now heading there to help. >> in iowa, the strain on state hospitals led governor kim reynolds to order a new mask mandate and nearly all indoor spaces, and a ban on indoor gatherings of more than 15 people after months of resisting calls to do so. >> if iowans don't buy into this, we lose. >> trevor: you know, guys, it's amazing to me that we're eight months into this pandemic, and we're somehow getting worse at dealing with it. it makes no sense.
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imagine if i started learning ference today, and eight months after practicing, i don't speak french. and i think it's a little insane that these restrictions are just now happening. because we've known the importance of wearing a mask for months, and some states are just now putting a mask mandate into place. only now? this is like hosting a pool party, and then in the last ten minutes saying "okay, new rule: no shitting in the pool." yeah! looking at you, david!" i mean, better late than never, but that's some shit floating around. but this is why it is so important to always wear a mask in public spaces. you can protect your loved ones and your whole community with a $3 strip of fabric, people. you have no excuse. and maybe you're saying, "but trevor, i'm a rich snob. i would never wear something that only costs $3." well, now you have no excuse, either. >> who says staying safe can't also be a fashion statement? the world's most expensive
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face mask now making its debut. the $1.5 million mask was created by an israeli jewelry company. hey, the holidays are coming. it features more than 3,600 black and white diamonds set in 250 grams of pure 18-carat gold. the designer says it's made to be 100% wearable. it features a slot for the wearer to insert a-- yes, disposable n91 mask, which is finer than a n95 mask. >> trevor: wow, a $1.5 million face mask! rich people-- learn how to read the room. people all over the world are like, "we're starving, and we need a more equal society," and then rich people are like, "is there any way i can breathe through diamonds?" i'm just saying, maybe lay low for a little while. honestly, guys, where are you even going to wear this thing, a fancy party? where are you going to wear a
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diamond mask? you're not going to wear it in the street. you're not supposed to have parties during corona! you're gonna end up wearing this around the house, just showing it off to your cat. "so... mr. whiskers. impressed?" ( cat meows ) no, you go back where you came from! of course, masks aren't the only important thing needed to slow the spread of coronavirus. we also have to keep up social distancing. and right now, that means not having big family get-togethers for the holidays. which sucks, please, don't get me wrong. i get it. but does it suck more than having your loved ones die of covid? well, according to the trump administration, yes, it does. >> dr. scott atlas, who is one of the president's sources as it relates to the pandemic, and he has now come out and is talking about what people should be doing as they head into thanksgiving with so much attention on the holiday right now. >> this kind of isolation is one of the unspoken tragedies of the elderly, who are now being told, "don't see your family at thanksgiving." for many people, this is their final thanksgiving, believe it or not. what are we doing here?
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i think we have to have a policy, which i have been advocating, which is a whole- person, whole-health policy. >> trevor: no, man, this dude is not serious. "for many people this is their final thanksgiving"? really? i mean, yes, thanks to the trump administration, it's definitely going to be many people's final thanksgiving, but still... and i love that whole "whole person" health policy. if you die of covid, that's the whole thing! it's not like you're going to say, "well, i died of covid, but, damn, those mashed potatoes were great!" look, i do think it's important for people to see their families, especially around thanksgiving. people look forward to it. but i also think it's more important to be able to see your family for the next 10 thanksgivings they'll hopefully get to have after it. it's not like americans aren't used to the idea of not going home for the holidays because they have to keep the country safe. american generals in world war ii weren't like, "sure, beating
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hitler is important, but what's the point of freedom if we have to miss cranberry sauce for one year? let's go home, soldiers!" and it's so hilarious that conservatives have ended up here because when this pandemic started-- remember-- they said "we don't have to shut down the economy. just be safe and responsible." then they were like, "we don't have to wear masks. just protect the elderly." now they're like, "you know what, bring the elderly in here. i can't fit all these leftovers in my fridge, okay. get in here? it just doesn't make sense. it just doesn't make sense why trump is willing to risk old people being exposed so much to corona this much. unless he thinks that it will end up making him look good in the long run, because you won't have old people dying if all the old people are already dead. we're going to take a quick break, but when we come back, donald trump's last-ditch plan to win the election which he lost. and after that, my can't-miss interview with kevin hart.
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experience amazing at your lexus dealer. daily social distancing show." it has now been 10 days since joe biden was declared the winner of the 2020 presidential election, but outgoing president, donald jigglypuff trump, is still looking for ways to overturn the results. recounts haven't worked. legal challenges haven't worked. he even tried signing an executive order that november
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3rd was opposite day, but that somehow didn't work. but it turns out there is one more thing that trump could try. >> could faithless electors save president trump's re-election? >> some republicans trying to get faithless legislators to vote against the will of the people. >> president trump's allies and his family today urged republican state legislatures to ignore the will of voters in their states and to install electors that will cast electoral votes for president trump. >> trevor: yeah, even though trump lost the election, some of his people are hoping he can pull out a win by using "faithless electors." and although faithless electors sounds like one of your auntie's grown-up novels, they're not. and, look, please don't get me wrong. this would be a loooong shot. it's about as likely as mitch mcconnell being on the cover of "men's health." but, theoretically, faithless electors could give trump the presidency. so the question is: who are they? what are they? and how could they be used to
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overturn the election? let's find out, in another installment of "if you don't know, now you know." ♪ ♪ when you were a little kid, you probably believed that people vote for president, and whoever gets the most votes wins, yeah. simple child mind. the same way you believed that your younger brother was brought by the stork. but once you got older, you learned that actually your mom and dad were riding the f-train to bone town, because bone town is where the stork lives, and that's how they got your brother. and in the same way, the system for electing a president is more complex than just "one-person, one-vote," because america's founding fathers wanted to come up with something that would prevent their biggest fear: the people choosing someone terrible. >> the electoral college is a sort of glued-together solution
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to a problem that the constitutional convention couldn't solve. >> they said, should the congress elect the president? no, if they do that then that congress will own the presidency. >> another option was to have the people select their leader, but at the time, they thought the country was too large and the people not informed enough to make that choice. >> and one of the odd compromises that they came up with was actually using this set of political elites to do the actual voting for president, but still providing a mechanism to select those electors. >> they thought by creating this wise group of elites, these electors could filter popular passions. they were afraid of a demagogue being chosen. they mistrusted direct democracy. >> alexander hamilton wrote that the goal was to ensure that, "the office of president will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an emminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications. >> trevor: that's right. according to alexander hamilton:
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the office of the president will never fall ♪ to the lot of any man who is not in an imminent degree endowed ♪ damn-- i should make a musical out of this! but the point is americans don't vote for the president. americans vote for a slate of electors who will then go and vote for the president. in many basis, it's the same way that american high school kids don't buy the beer. they give the homeless man money, and then he goes to buy the beer on their behalf. that way it's more responsible. it's amazing how if you read into it, the founding fathers really thought everyone in the country was super dumb. because everyone talks about they wanted to build a new, perfect society, when really they were basically installing childproofing to keep the country safe and stop peopole from eating sand. now, this whole idea of electors
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being smarter than the masses fell by the wayside pretty quickly. and one of their main reasons for doing this was because they thought a lot of americans wouldn't know enough about the candidates to vote for them. but that was hundreds of years ago when information was harder to come by. you only found out news when someone delivered it by horse. but now, we got the internet people. people are super informed. american voters know all about how... hunter biden moved to russia and sold his laptop to rudy giuliani for drugs, and how hillary clinton is in a pedophile ring that wants to drink the blood of children, and i know melania has a body double who's having an affair with gary busey? actually, you know what? maybe we should go back to the horse. i don't know about this internet thing. but the point is, today it's understood that a state's electors will vote for the candidate who won their state's popular vote. the only problem is that's just an understanding, not an actual law. >> according to the national archives, there is no constitutional provision or federal law that requires electors to vote according to their results of the popular vote in their state.
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>> those who don't follow the wish, the will of the electorate, they're called faithless electors. >> in 2016, four of the 12 electors in washington chose not to vote for hillary clinton, despite clinton winning the popular vote in the state. instead, three voted for colin powell and one voted for the native activist faith spotted eagle. >> it isn't a new concept. according to "fair vote," there have been 167 faithless electors since the electoral college was founded. 43% changed their vote because the candidate they were supposed to vote for died before the electoral college could vote. 40% chose to vote for the candidate they wanted rather than matching the popular vote. 17% either didnt vote or cast an abnormal ballot. >> in the 2004 election, rather than casting their vote for john kerry, the unknown elector cast their vote for kerry's v.p., john edwards, and also misspelled edward's name as "ewards." >> trevor: wow. so the founders just let
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legislators do whatever they want. they can choose someone the people didn't vote for. they can vote for a third party. then can even just vote for a typo! i can't believe what a giant flaw in the american electoral system this is. it's like finding out they keep a key to fort knox under the doormat. and just, by the way, i don't know if we should be holding voters accountable for the correct spelling of names, i don't think that's fair. especially in a country that's got a hundred different ways to spell "allison." how do you have four "l"s in your name, alison. now, a lot of people do realize that this system is a problem. in fact, states were recently given the power to require electors to follow the will of the people. unfortunately, very few of them actually do. >> in the past term, the supreme court upheld the right of the states to insist that electors vote for the person who won the popular vote, but here's the deal: only 14 of those 50 states actually have that legal requirement. in those 14 states, if a faithless elector goes rogue,
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the state can throw them out on the street and get someone else in to vote according to the popular vote. but in all the rest of the states, if a faithless elector goes off on their own toot, there's nothing the state can do about it except fine them. >> trevor: really? electors can subvert the will of the voters and undermine the basis of democracy, and their punishment is the same as parking in front of a fire hydrant? in fact, parking in front of a hydrant is even worse. you don't just get a fine, you get toed. charges someone $1,000 for giving the presidency to someone doesn't mean they won't do it. it just means the bidding starts at $1,000. trump is down so many electors it's unlikely he can get enough to vote for him. the bad news is it's easy to see how a future election could be close enough that the losing candidates could convince enough electors to make them the winning candidates. and it would be totally legal. so just a warning to all the
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states out there: you guys might want to firm up your laws about faithless legislators, because trump might not succeed this time, but it's only a matter of time before don jr. runs. and god help us all if that chillless ( bleep ) ever gets into the white house. so those are the electors and that's how they can change the game. and if you don't know, now you know. stick around, because when we come back, jordan klepper goes to the maga rally in d.c. and kevin hart tells us why he's quitting everything. you don't want to miss it. ♪ hey baby, hey, hey ♪ you got me feelin' punchdrunk crazy, so crazy ♪ ♪ it's everything i want, now maybe, ooh, ooh, ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ can we do it again? ♪ your blessing's all i ever wanted ♪ ♪ i'm stressed, you got me feelin' nauseous ♪ ♪ wow-wow-wow-wow-wow ♪ wow-wow-wow-wow-wow
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>> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily social distancing show." last saturday, washington, d.c. was the site of the million maga march, which was thousands of angry, fired up people refusing to believe the results of the election. so, of course, we sent our very own jordan klepper there to chat with them. and he filed this very tense edition of "jordan fingers the pulse." ♪ ♪ >> trump's people were gathering, so i went to washington, d.c., to the self-proclaimed and self-counted million maga march, where moms for trump, maga dads, and free jazz instrumentalists for trump... ♪ ♪ ...converged to do what, exactly? >> we are here to celebrate the winning of donald trump. >> you're four years too late? >> huh?
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>> you're four years too late. >> what? >> no, no, no. he is-- he won this time. >> this time? >> he won. ♪ ♪ >> not the size of the flag that matters. it's how many votes you get in the electoral college system. they were here to celebrate the fact that america is a rich, diverse nation, with so many different kinds of alleged election fraud. >> there's people-- there's people that's changing votes. >> who? >> people-- across-- >> who? >> across the united states. >> where did you hear this? >> all over. >> we can't ignore it. we're talking about having dead people vote, number one. >> should trump have appealed more to the dead person vote? >> should he appeal-- we just need fairness. >> to me the biggest fraud is, unfortunately, the millions of voters that voted for biden that were... brainwashed by the media. >> ... stand on your flag? >> >> it's a big flag. >> please don't stand on it.
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>> it's also not an american flag. >> there are stars and stripes on it, brother. i just appreciate it if you don't stand on it. >> i feel like it's donald trump obsecuring-- to be honest, if anybody is disrespecting the flag i think it's the 10-foot-high donald trump. >> i have an analogy. in the n.f.l., there's a close play. what do they do? they review it, right? sometimes it takes them 15 minutes. it delays the game. they have to look at every technicality. >> i have an national. it's the n.f.l., there's a game, the lions versus the packers, the lions lose, everybody goes home. but the lions stay on the field and say, "we didn't lose." and everybody says, "if you look at the score board" and they did uh-uh. >> he didn't lose. >> he had less votes. >> you take california out of the equation and he wins the national. >> if you discount certain people, the numbers add up in your favor. >> okay. >> you want a flag. >> stop the steal, ( bleep )
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bro. they stole it blatantly. >> what's the evidence? >> the mail-in ballots. first of all, we all know the corona was to send the mail-in ballots out along with the voting machines are compromised. >> wait warkt, the corona was created to-- >> the democrats are working with the communist chinese to put biden in because china has blackmail on joe biden. that is a fact. >> do you have that on any t-shirts? >> no. >> people are stealing our election. it's obvious. this is our country. people are stealing our election. >> how are they stealing the election? >> they're putting voter fraud, it's suspicious. >> how are they putting voter fraud. the department of homeland security said it's the most secure election. >> that's one guy like you and me. >> that's donald trump's department of homeland security security. >> and because one person says something that's-- that's definitely means what it is. >> that's the government, and the courts -- trump lawyer's said there's no fraud. >> don't try to twist it, baby. i've been in politics a long time. >> you're in politics. >> i am the regional tea party
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chairman. >> you're the tea party. >> i'm the tea party, baby. i'm the regional tea party leader in the pittsburgh region. we are patriots! >> you're yelling at me to find a safe space and you elevated yourself a megaphone and you have a shield. they were having trouble facing reality at hand, though there were occasional signs of progress. something fitting about a u-haul truck here. yet, no one seems to acknowledge trump's legal defense is crumbling. did doesn't matter, though. for some of these guys, the battle never ends. >> that's trump on the confederate flag. >> that's the confederate flag, yeah! see that, cnn! see that! dixie still lives! >> bu buddy, you don't know howo pick a winner. you might walz put a jets hat on. >> if they don't trust the narrative, which the rest of the world has seen, what do they trust? >> i trust trump and what he says and what he knows. i don't trust the media that much. >> the only person you believe is donald trump himself. >> that's not the only person i
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know. >> hoelse do you believe? >> ultimately i believe jesus is king and the bible. >> that's two, jesus and trump. >> i trust a lot of people, my friends, my family, tucker carlson. >> tucker carlson, jesus, and donald trump. >> and more. i can go on and on. >> no, i think i get the picture. >> we used to like fox. we don't like fox. we don't like msnbc, we don't like cbs. -- we don't like any of the fake channels because they love all the time. >> what about fox? >> hannity, and tucker. >> just two hours of fox news, and otherwise it's a boycott. >> absolutely. >> even fox wasn't welcomal this maga-pa-losa. >> antifa! antifa! >> signaling the end of an era complete with actual knife violence. >> are you guys the liberal media? i have one word for you. you are controlled by the deep state-- >> that's four, five, six words,
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10 words. >> ( bleep ) you. >> that's even two, that one is even true. >> fake news! >> fake news! >> ( bleep ). >> and i have one word for you fake news-- ( bleep ) you. the silent majority i? >> two words, that's two words. >> ( bleep ) you! >> can no one in the maga world count? >> trevor: thank you so much for that jordan. i'm glad you were able to make new friends. all right, stick around, because when we come back, kevin hart is going to be joining us on the show and it's going to be a blast. you don't want to miss it.
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and you'll get 5g at no extra cost. all on the most reliable network. so choose a data option that's right for you. get 5g included and save up to $400 dollars a year on the network rated #1 in customer satisfaction. it's your wireless. your rules. only with xfinity mobile. to my ( bleep ) face. told me my sex was falling off. you know what i response was, "happens? " that's what i said. "happens." i don't give a shit. i'm ( bleep ) 41. i don't have time to be
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( bleep ) all day. i'm tired! i'm tired! i don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick. i said it. that's how i feel. >> trevor: kevin hart, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> nice, nice. i like it. i like the creative behind it. i like the whole social distancing thing but still keeping it going. i like it, trev. i like what you're doing. ( laughs ) >> trevor: man, you know what's crazy about you is you haven't changed. a lot of people don't know this, some of the dye hard fans of the show would, but you were the first guest ever on "the daily show with trevor noah." a lot of people didn't want to come on the show. kevin hart was like, i'll stick my neck out. it was a small neck, but you did it and i appreciate that. >> you are a comedian. you are a fellow comic and i liked the fact that you were a comic coming from across the water and embracing an opportunity here in the states. i thought it was dope.
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i thought your stfers dope. and it was more about supporting you and that platform. >> trevor: i was shocked you said yes because you were already kevin hart the superstar. you are truly, in my opinion, the most bankable star in hollywood. i watched movies where you gave cameo appearances and gave 300%. i saw you on stage in comedy clubs where nobody knew your name but you gave 500%. what are you doing next, coming out with a kevin hart vaccine for the pandemic? >> no, no vaccine is on the way or underway. right now, man, it's crazy because we-- we were in this-- this thing, this crazy moment, and i found myself sitting with, like, you know, nothing to do for one of the first times in my career. when we were shut down, there was literally nothing. and i took advantage of having that time, of course, spending it with my family, chilling. and i decided to put the pen to the pad and come up with a new
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set. i ended up taping a set during a pandemic. and now it's about to release. so i think that's the thing i'm looking most forward to, seeing people's reaction to this version of me in stand-up comedy. i like to call it a raw version of myself-- hence the title "zero ( bleep ) given." >> trevor: i feel like there's a deeper meaning to this about "zero ( bleep ) given." >> absolutely. >> trevor: when you were talking about the accident and pthat kevin hart had and the lie that kevin hart is living now, talk me through some of that. i would love to know because the whole world went through that moment. kevin hart, we heard his back might have been broken, and we didn't know if he was coming back. and the next thing we know you were back and back on the grind again. there was a moment that was missing. and this special answers that question. what does "zero ( bleep )" actually mean?" >> when you you have a moment like that, you put things in perspective differently, you look at life differently. the version of myself
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preaccident was a guy who took things for granted. i expected things to b certain way because that's how they seemed to be. i was in control. i, i, i, i used that word a lot. zero ( bleep ) given for the first time is he being okay with being myself. and not explaining why i'm being myself, you know. in stand-up comedy i've always had to do it a certain way after a certain level of success because of all that i have and all the people underneath me that are my pyramid, you know, as a c.e.o., as a chairman of multiple companies, you know, what i do affects so many others. and i've had to walk a certain way, walk on the straight line and try not to put others' lives in jeopardy, based off of my reckless behavior and mistakes. in this one, this is about me being okay with-- with not just
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mistakes but ( bleep ) verbal freedom. it means i'm not saying things and closing my eyes because of the consequences that's going to come with it. >> trevor: right, i hear you. >> doing stand-up comedy, and i'm doing it being oblivious of our culture of today. i didn't let today's times affect my development of this material. and when i say "zero ( bleep ) given," it basically means, guys, i don't care about the conversation outside anymore. i've lost a little bit of patience. and i don't mind telling you why. here's why i'm a little flustered. here's why i'm a little frustrated. here's why there's a little chip on my shoulder. here's why i am the man that i am. here's what happened with me, especially after my accident. but it's me in a way where i don't give a ( bleep ) about how you feel about what i'm saying. i'm saying it because i want to. take it or leave it. >> trevor: the only concern i have, though, is kevin hart is,
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how come you're still driving those cars? why do you drive cars without an air bag? that's what i want to know. you have so much money, kevin, why would you go backwards and buy cars that don't have air bags. >> here's why: you get one life, trevor -- >> that means you should drive a car with an air bag. that logic is flawed. >> i'm going to give you my logic. and if you feel it's flawed, guess what, i don't give a ( bleep ). that's part of the special. that's part special. you know what, i love old cars. i love building cars. i love developing cars from beginning, middle, to end. i love mopar, i love what it means, i love the muscle and idea behind it. i love having collectors' items. i love the fact that some of my cars will never be driven and will be priceless. that's a hobby that i have. as you get older you have to find more things that you can put your all into, that you love, that you enjoy. so stand-up comedy is one of those things. >> trevor: right. >> it's one of those things.
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but as you get old ethose things take up a lot of your time. as you get older, you want to be home more. but you need hobbies, and those hobbies aren't just your wife and your kids. you need things that occupy your mental, your creative thinking, your creative space. and for me, that's a world where i find joy. i'm not going to compromise my happiness because of the thought or feeling from others. it makes me happy. so -- >> you're just going to be a mechanic, kevin, is that what you're telling me? >> hey, man, i'll be the best father and husband and mechanic and chill guy ever. ( trevor laughing ) >> i am not-- i am not going to be the angry guy. >> trevor: okay, okay. speaking of being-- speaking of being a good father and being at home and everything, where are you? it feels like you snuck into an abandoned building and, like, you're doing this from an office that got shut down because of covid. where are you? this is not your house. you have a nice house. where are you? >> i'm in-- i'm in toronto. i'm in a house-- i'm doing a
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movie. >> trevor: "man from toronto." you love making movies. i don't think you'll ever stop making movies. >> i have a strong passion for it, but you have to understand it's a person-to-person interaction. so look at where we are today. you know, i'm praying to god that we recover, but i'm doing a movie in the middle of this covid pandemic. >> trevor: right, right. >> we've got masks. we have to be six feet apart. there's social distancing. i'm praying that we get back to the place of old and get out of this. but for me, i'm-- i feed off the energy. i feed off positivity. that's what the movie business-- that's what it's done for me. >> trevor: right. >> making movies and seeing people go watch the movies, go laugh at those movies. that makes me happy. that's joy to me. when i can't do it at the level that i've done it-- and i've done it at the highest level-- well, then it's time to start rethink and i have different conversations. not that we're there yet, it's just how i'm just-- it's just
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perspective. i'm 41. so am i going to be 45 and still the same? if so, let's keep riding. at 50, is it still the same? if so, let's keep riding. but if we keep sliding down this-- this road of-- errrr-- you can see the back of my head ( bleep ) y'all, i'm out. i'm out. >> trevor: we're going to fight to make sure that doesn't happen, man. i love watching your comedy. i love watching you. i have always loved you as a human being. thank you for taking the time. thank you for sharing the positivity. good luck with the movie. don't quit, don't be a mechanic. but if you are a mechanic, i'm going to bring my car to you because you'll hook me up. >> you keep that piece of shit. >> trevor: i have an air bag, kevin hart. my car is in the going to send me to a hospital if i bump into a pole, kevin hart. i have an air bag. >> i have cars that need them. >> trevor: oh, man-- >> hendrix, kayora, kenso, the
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hart household, i love you guys. i can't wait to get back home soon. dad is working hard on another movie that will hopefully bring us back to a place of old and bring us closer together and make us smile. trevor, that's what you do, man. don't you stop doing what you do. i can't wait until you get out of this corner and get back in the goddamn studio. >> trevor: nobody puts me in a corner, kevin hart. my dude, thank you so much for the time and look after yourself. don't forget "zero ( bleep ) given" is now streaming on netflix. we'll talk a quick break but we'll be right back after this.
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: remember thanksgiving is coming up, but in the corona era, there are seniors stuck at home than ever before. especially those who don't know where their next meal is coming from. but meals on wheels is out there in the streets, delivering meals to elderly americans every day to keep them safe and nourished in communities across the country. if you can help out, and want to support the work they do, please donate at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, wear a mask, and remember: if you spend $1 million on a face mask, it will probably protect you from coronavirus. but you'll probably test positive for being a douchebag. now here it is, your moment of zen: ♪ ♪ >> president trump's foreign policy and national security record is comparable only to ronald reagan. >> whoa, whoa, whoa.
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>> reagan! >> ronald reagan the actor? yeah, wake us up when you're talking about a real president like grover cleveland. i like that guy. >> has trump conceded yet? ( birds chirping ) - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - mom, mom! mom, seriously, something wonderful has happened! - what is it, snookums? - mom, look. the tooth fairy. i put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me $2. she's only given me a lousy quarter before. - oh, my.
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she must think that you are a very special little muffin. - yeah, this is so tits! - don't say tits, eric. - oh, i mean, this is so cool! - well, perhaps now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest. - you can compound daily my ass with interest, mom. i'm going to the toy store and buy me a skateboard. - but, eric, i think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving. - mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay? you're not the tooth fairy. i'll see you later. oh, man, this is so tits! you guys, you're not going to believe this! oh, my god, you guys, seriously! just wait until you hear this, you guys! i'm rich, i'm totally rich! aren't you stoked? - what the hell's wrong with cartman? - he's fat and he's stupid? - look at what the tooth fairy left me last night. - $2. - no way. - for one tooth? - for one tooth. - dude, every time i lost a tooth, i only got a quarter. - i only got a jar of gefilte fish. - well, that doesn't matter, because i have an idea that is totally tits. - totally what? - look, i don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. maybe she's hot for me. i don't know. but if we all chip in with teeth,
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then i can hide them under my pillow, and we can get enough money to buy a sega dreamcast. together: sega dreamcast? - all we need is teeth. - i already lost all my baby teeth. - me too. - mm-mm. - you still have baby teeth, kenny? - no way! - kenny, think about it. don't you want a sega dreamcast? - [mumbling angrily] - all right, kenny's in, you guys! tits! [bell ringing] - okay, the string is tied to kenny's tooth. you ready over there? - almost. you ready, timmy? - timmy! - when i say go, you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. okay, timmy? - timmy! - right, you're timmy. - timmy, labalayah! - [muffled] - i'll tell you why it has to be you, kenny. because your family is poor and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are going to fall out someday anyway. if you think about it, you should actually be thanking us. "oh, thank you, guys." you're welcome, kenny. - [muffled] fuck you! - all right, get ready, timmy. - timmy! - hey, guys, what are you doing? - what does it look like we're doing, butters? we need a tooth, so we're using timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of kenny's. - oh, hey, i got a loose tooth right here. together: you what? - [muffled] you what? - timmy! - yep. one of mine came out not two hours ago.
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- uh, butters, could we have it? - well, heck, no, you can't have it. why, i'm going to stick it under my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. she gives me 50 cents a tooth. well, i'll see you, fellas. - dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of kenny's mouth. - yeah, we just have to get butters' tooth. - whoo-hoo! - how we gonna get it from him? - i guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight. - yeah, let's go. - go, timmy, go! yaaah, timmy! - no, timmy, wait! - [yelling] timmy! - [muffled] oof! - [laughs] you guys, i can see kenny's little ping-a-ling. - waaah! - higher, you guys. - jesus christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there? - ah! careful, you assholes! to the left, you guys, left. no, camera left, camera left. that's it. now down. - what the? who's there?
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