- what? [bleep] you, cupid me! - tee hee hee! [bleep] you! - hey, stop it! - haah! - no! - ahh-ha-ha-haah! >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody. i'm trevor noah. this is "the daily social distancing show." today is february the 10th, which means valentine's day is only four days away. so if you have someone special in your life you've spent every past past year, this is another day to do that. anyway, on tonight's show: your water is trying to kill you. roy wood jr. celebrates america's greatest black spies. and we catch up on the biggest impeachment trial in 12 months. so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> announcer: from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world,

this is "the daily social distancing show," with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick things off with water-- a.k.a. lazy seltzer. we all drink water every day, but recently, in florida, someone tried to turn the water into a weapon. >> now to a shocking case of computer hacking in pinellas county, florida. investigators are trying to hunt down the person who tried to poison a public water supply remotely. >> the plant operator monitoring the plant noticed computer breaches starting at 8:00 a.m. friday morning. the hacker was controlling the computer system's mouse and increased the level of sodium hydroxide from about 100 parts per million to more than 11,000 parts per million. >> this is, obviously, a significant and potentially dangerous increase. sodium hydroxide, also known as lye, is the main ingredient in liquid drain cleaners. >> if ingested in large amounts, sodium hydroxide can cause

vomiting, chest and abdominal pain. fortunately, a plant operator immediately reduced the levels back to what was safe. >> trevor: okay, this is insane! a hacker was this close to poisoning the water supply of a county in florida. i mean, luckily, it wouldn't have worked anyway, since floridians don't even drink water. they get all the hydration they need from red bull and... whatever this is. tastes like blue. but not only was this hacking evil. it's also just lazy. you want to poison the water supply, you roll your ass out of bed and pee in the reservoir like they did in the old days. lazy ass hacking bitch. by the way, is it just me, or is it weird that the computer for florida's water system even lets you pump that much sodium hydroxide into the supply? like, forget the hackers, should the computer even have an option to poison the entire county? at least make it so you have to click on all the squares with streetlights first.

moving on to some international news out of new zealand-- australia's hawaii. in addition to being a full-size recreation of middle earth, new zealand is also a real country with its own government. and, yesterday, a meeting of parliament broke out into a fight over what it really means to show respect. >> a member of the new zealand parliament was ejected because he was not wearing a tie. rawiri waititi, the co-leader of the country's maori party was asked to leave the chambers on tuesday. it's all because of a tie mandate for male lawmakers. waititi was wearing a traditional greenstone necklace that he says is a nod to his native people. >> as you can clearly see, this attire is business attire, as far as i'm concerned. that is not part of my culture, ties. and it's forcing the indigenous peoples into wearing what i described as a colonial noose. >> trevor: this is, thank you! this guy is so right. nobody should have to wear a tie. they serve zero purpose.

that's why, instead of wearing a tie, i just wrap a "fruit by the foot" around my neck. if i'm going to be uncomfortable, i'm at least going to get my snack on. also, why would you want to make this man wear a tie? ties were invented so that boring guys could try to look more interesting. "oh, look i have a thing around my neck. look, i get that in the past neck ties served a very important purpose. you know, they were used to point to a guy's penis. but, guys, it's 2021. we've figured out where it is. we can get rid of the arrows now. if you ask me, now ties are more trouble than they're worth. it's why there are guys who are always creepy at office. it's because their ties are choking them all day long, and thre're like, "i'm being choked. is it sex time? it must be sex time!" even colonizers couldn't get

people on board with them. ( colonist ) "accept jesus as your lord and savior." ( native ) heaven sounds kind of cool." ( colonizer ) "let me grab your land and sleep with your wife." ( native ) you've got the guns so what can i say. ( colonizer ) "now suffocate yourself with this ribbon so you look professional." ( native ) "you outta your mind?" and, finally, news from the world of sports. ever since colin kaepernick began kneeling for the national anthem, professional teams have been grappling with how to handle all the drama around that moment. you've got fans who want to stand, players who want to kneel, people trying to signal the beer guy while also keeping their hand over their heart. but now one n.b.a. team has tried to find a completely different solution. >> if you go to a dallas mavericks game now, you will not hear or be able to stand for the national anthem, because they're not playing it anymore, they're not singing it anymore. the dallas mavericks ceased playing the national anthem

before home games this season and do not plan to play it moving forward, a decision made by the owner, mark cuban. the mavericks did not publicize the anthem's removal. >> this from dan patrick, the lieutenant governor of texas: "the decision to cancel our national anthem off of the dallas mavericks is a slap in the face to every american, an embarrassment to texas. sell the franchise, and some texas patriot will buy it. we are the land of the free and home of the brave. >> trevor: that's right, this is the land of the free. why aren't we forcing people to sing the national anthem! all right, look, people, i know this is a big tradition in the u.s., but just so you know, the rest of the world thinks it's really weird that america sings the anthem at their domestic sports games. in other countries you only sing than themes before international sporting events. you don't do it for every local game.

that's like saying grace before tasting every free sample at the ice cream shop. can i have the vanilla, please. for what we are about to receive... just think about it-- what does the national anthem have to do with a basketball game? george washington didn't beat the redcoats in a game of 3-on-3. i mean, although, he would have. dude was 6'2" in the 1700s. back then, we was basically shaq in a powdered wig. yay, man we're going to free this country. we're going to write something about it. we're going to make the united states of america. after the story broke, the n.b.a. said that every team will play the anthem at their games. i have a solution mark cuban will so love. mark, you recently ditched the national anthem, and i get it. after literally thousands of years, this song comes with a lot of baggage. we need a fresh start. that's why i came up with a new national anthem that i think you'll enjoy.

enjoy. >> i'll listen, but-- >> okay. here goes ♪ a little bit of kansas in my life ♪ a little bit of florida by my side ♪ a little bit of you is what i need ♪ a little bit of georgia is what i see ♪ a little... ( mumbling ) and then it goes into a call response part. when you say us, you say a. u.s.? u.s.? anyway, that goes on for, like, six or seven minutes and then we get to the climax, the big finish ♪ now you know america is a country on the earth ♪ >> unless you're screwing with us, it makes no sense whatsoever. you are so full of ( bleep ). .>> trevor: oh, okay.

well, while-- while i'm here, i also invented an ipad, but for dogs. i call it the i-paw. >> i'm out. >> thank you-- thank you for your time. >> trevor: but let's move on to our main story: the second impeachment of donald trump. and shout out to my boy trump for getting impeached more times than mike pence has had sex! i see you, player. today was day two of the trial, and we'll catch you up on all the latest developments in the return of our classic segment from one year ago: "the magical, wonderful road to impeachment." >> that's probably presidential harassment. >> trevor: today, the democrats began laying out their case for why president trump should be held responsible for inciting the capitol riot of january 6. and between trump's many speeches, interviews, and

tweets, the prosecutors had a mountain of evidence at their disposal. it's basically a slam-dunk case. i mean, this would be like having a murder suspect who left his d.n.a. at the scene, dropped a bloody glove, and fled the scene in a ford bronco. there would be no way you wouldn't convict that guy! it would be a-- wait, that happened? in addition to the evidence against trump, prosecutors showed haroing, never-before-seen footage of the attack on the capitol, and the violence inflicted on capitol police. so we all expected the democrats to present a competent, compelling case. but what nobody expected was that trump's lawyers would be so terrible. they never addressed key issues. one guy cried while reading a poem. it was going so badly for the republicans i thought ted cruz was going to start another insurrection just to change the subject. in fact, when trump's lawyers

were done, some of the harshest criticisms came from republican senators on their own team. >> senator lindsey graham one of trump's biggest allies saying, "i thought i would figure out where he was going, but in the end i don't know where he was going." senator susan collins said, i was perplexed by this first lawyer who seemed to not make any argument at all." >> the first lawyer just rambled on and on and on and didn't really address the constitutional argument. >> president trump's team were disorganized. they did everything they could but to talk about the question at hand. and when they talked about it, they kind glided over it, almost as if they were embarrassed of their arguments. now, i'm an impartial juror, and one side is doing a great job, and the other side is doing a terrible job on the issue at hand, as an impartial juror, i'm gog vote for the side that did the good job. >> reporter: why do you think the trump defense team did a terrible job? >> did you listen to it. >> reporter: i did. >> then it speaks for itself. >> trevor: goddamn, bill

hader's dad is pissed. and i would be, too. trumps lawyers were so bad, they forced him to be impartial. nobody should be forced to have an open mind. seriously, though, do you know how bad a job those lawyers had to do that even lindsey graham turned on them. he wants to be on their side, that's like drawing something so bad, that your kindergarten teacher roasts you for it. "okay, billy, you know i want to like this but this is dogshit, my man. it doesn't look like a flower at all. i have to show this to the other kids. kids, everybody come together. look at this bitch-ass flower billy drew." of course, nobody was more upset by trump's shitty lawyers than the man who was never going to pay them anyway: donald j. trump. >> sources familiar with trump's reaction told cbs news he was angry with the lawyers'

lackluster performance, which at times rambled on, >> at one point, nearly yelling at his television while bruce castor was making his case. >> trevor: that's right. trump was reportedly yelling at the tv while his shitty lawyers make their opening arguments. although, to be fair, trump also yells at the tv during commercials. "good luck with your boner, mr. viagra. we're all rooting for you! those four hours are going to be so much fun." but, still, this is bad news for trump's lawyers, because trump is a dude who'll spend four hours at a rally ranking his favorite department store. if he thinks you're rambling, then you know you (bleep) up. luckily for these lawyers, we all know, and they know, that no matter how bad their defense is, they're still going to win this trial-- which, on the one hand, makes a mockery of the entire idea of accountability. but on the other hand, it's going to make for a very inspiring movie. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> to defend his impeachment, president trump needed the best

legal team in the country. instead, he got these guys. >> my name is bruce castor. i am the lead prosecutor-- or lead... counsel for the 45th president of the united states. >> they were two hopeless lawyers who didn't prepare, barely tried, and may not even have law degrees. >> the president, who is nearly yelling at his tv while he was watching the proceedings. >> i worked in this building 40 years ago. i got lost then, and i still do. >> but they're about to find out that what matters isn't the strength of your case. it's having a defendant whose party won't convict him, no matter what. >> i'm ready to move on. i'm ready to end the impeachment trial because i think it's-- blatantly unconstitutional. >> it's simply beyond the constitutional authority of the senate. >> president trump is going to be acquitted. >> it's the impeachment trial critics are calling "a sad moment for democracy." and the founders' worst

nightmare. "underdog lawyers,": a story of triumph against no odds. >> words are what make our constitution, frankly. >> thigh sure do. >> trevor: all right, when we come back, roy wood jr. takes a look at the history of black spies. so don't go away. ♪ whatever's going on whatever kind of day ♪ ♪ we can always find a way to make room to play ♪ ♪ either i.r.l or half a world away ♪ ♪ that's how we play here's what we know ♪ ♪ life's sweeter together, oreo ♪

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daily social distancing show." as you know, february is black history month, and we're celebrating all month with roy wood jr. honoring the unsung heroes of black history with

another episode of "c.p. time." >> shoot my own stuff because of covid. that looks good. light looks good. all right. let's begin. shit! i forgot to put on pants. ♪ ♪ ♪ oh! hello there. welcome to "c.p. time." the only show that's for the culture. today, we'll be discussing the history of black spies. or as i call them-- incog-negroes. usually i have another camera over there. this will take some getting used to. anyway, i know when you think of spies you think of white guys

like jason bourne or jack bauer, the spies all white guys with the initial j.b. oh, my god, justin bieber! but in actuality, black people have a long history of running intelligence operations. for example, you may know harriet tubb man for her work freeing slaves in the underground railroad, and for popularizing the bandanna. but what you may not have known was that during the civil war, she worked as a spy for the union army. that's right. harriet tubman was a spy and had a great strategy for being ignored by the confederate. it was called "being black." at one point, harriet tubman led 300 black soldiers in a raid on southern plantations. you can imagine how terrified slave owners must have been. that's actually when they invented black face.

they put it on and said,"yeah, go get those slave owners." another black spy is james wormly jones who in 1919 became the f.b.i.'s first documented black special agent. in 1922, jones infiltrated a black nationalist organization led by marcus garvey and helped get marcus garvey convicted of mail fraud. so jones didn't just break barriers for black people in intelligence. he also used that intelligence to put black people behind barriers. he was the original tokashia 6-9. he spied on black people. but black folk didn't just spy for the u.s. government. there were also spies like josephine baker, who moved to france in the 1920s, where she became a world-famous singer. when the nazis invaded france in world war ii, baker smuggled

secretes messages and maps for the french resistance. when she heard something valuable, she would write it down, pin the note to her underwear, and relay the information back to paris. and that's harder than it sounds. one time in grade school i tried pinning a secret note to my drawers. ended up pinning my booty cheeks together. suffice it to say, the school nurse was very aware about my secret crush on tricia. well, that's all the time we have for today. i'm roy wood jr. this has been "c.p. time" from home. and, remember, be for the cultu. we have to tell the ferrets about justin bieber. somebody needs to call joe biden. oh, my god, joe biden is a j.b., too! these spies are everywhere! >> trevor: thank you so much for that, roy. all right, when we come back, radha blank will talk about her new movie that's getting oscar

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i'm in the friendzone! anyone can do it, even anyone. you can't claim that as a dependent! because it's inanimate! people ask me what sort of person should become a celebrity accountant. and, i tell them, "nobody should." hey, buddy. what's the damage? i bought it! the waterfall? nope! a new volkswagen. a volkswagen?! i think we're having a breakthrough here! welcome to caesar's palace. thank you. earlier today, i spoke with writer, director, and performer radha blank. we talked about her critically-acclaimed debut film based on her life and where she goes from here. >> i think the thing is over with whitman. >> guess who passed? >> what? >> a skinny white dude with the fattest ass. yo, he was standing with his

becky. when her eyes met mine she looked away like she was ashamed. she must have had a real love or that bichhad a fet itch for a black girl butt, but a butt painted white. connected to this white dinga ling. it made me sing ♪ white man way black woman's butt. how you carry all that back there? ♪ what the ( bleep ) ♪ >> yes, what the ( bleep ). >> trevor: radha blank, welcome to the "the daily social distancing show." >> thank you for having me. i'm such a fan. >> trevor: everyone is a fan of yours. i should be the one who is thanking you. i'm going to read a list of some of your latest achievements and all the alkalaids. the sundance directing award, the l.a. critics next generation award. the black critics rising star award. everyone has been showering you and your film with so many awards. >> feel bood that i don't have an award. i should just give you one.

here, i'm giving you the world cup. congratulations, radha, you have won "the daily show" world cup award. it has been quite a ride for you. are you just surfing on this wave of success? >> i'm doing my best, trevor. it's weird because it's all happening in a square, in a virtual world. and so many times i'm not even present to receive an award. but, you know, i go on twitter, and that makes things all the more real, just in terms of people and their celebrations of the project. but it's-- it's been interesting to celebrate anything when so much crazy is going on in the world. >> trevor: right. i can only imagine. >> i try to found a way. i try to find a way. >> trevor: well, for those who don't know, your film, "the forty-year-old version," is truly, in my opinion, a cinematic masterpiece, and it's a story loosely based on your

life and your journey as a black woman who is a playwright struggling to make a name in an industry that keeps block her out. it's heartfelt, it's funny. it's beautifully shot. for you, as the person who wrote, directed, and starred in this film, i mean, i'm sure a lot of it was personal to you. why did you want to-- you know, i think be at the helm of all of those aspects? >> well, it wasn't something i was planning to do. i just felt like in order to tell a story in this way, i had to take control, very much like my protagonist. things weren't going swimmingly well for me in my career. unlike her, i have not choked a theater producer. but i have felt the urge to choke many of the gatekeepers. and i had gotten fired off of a film job, one of my first screenwriting jobs, and i just-- i felt like i needed to take my voice back. and so in order to not get fired, i decided i would play

every role so that i couldn't, you know what i mean? >> trevor: i know exactly what you mean. what's interesting is this is a tale about somebody trying to do their best to try to achieve their dreams before their so-called "sell-by" date. and in telling that story you have achieved that success. do you sometimes think about how surreal it is that the film has ended up in many ways fulfilling the central narrative of story? >> yeah, every single day there are moments that happen that feel like i'm actually in the film on my character's journey, because, very much like my character, i've had a lot of the same obst obstacles in my way, whether people thought i wasn't, you know, cover girl or lead material, or i didn't have a look, or, you know, you hit 40 and you should be put out to pasture. i really do hope that the messaging of the film, especially for black women, is that you don't age out of your passion. and if you have the notion to tell the story, do it. you know, take control.

you know, follow the lead of many of our d.i.y. film makers, like spike leigh, and find a crew and shoot that shit. >> trevor: shoot that shit. >> can■ç i say shit -- >> i like that. you should put that on a shirt, "shoot that shit. >> shoot that shit. >> trevor: i think that's a fantastic slogan to go with. i would like to know what it's been like for you as a creator? you always wanted to break into broadway. you always wanted to write-- you are a playwright. you wanted to break into this world, but it has felt like for many, glowft yourself, that but there are gatekeepers who determine what should and shouldn't be told and how it should and shouldn't be told. and you have bucked that trend almost to your departmentriment. walk us through that, in telling this story. >> well, i feel like while a lot of the people in those positions are well meaning, they tend to cater to the audience. there's always this kind of dance in terms of what's being programmed. ask then when the black plays

show up, it seems to be a black story that caters to their... their membership's idea of what an authentic black story is. i mean, hence the song "poverty porn." >> trevor: right. >> where, you know, i'm kind of raising a lens on the industry's celebration of black pain. yes, there are always going to be gatekeepers. and i do think we should call people out when there are racist practices or things that are keeping marginalized people from getting on these stages. but i say don't wait on those people, you know, to affirm you. you know, a good friend of mine-- her name is de, in igar, you may know her as michelle. she once said to me after i had been rejected by yet another theater, she said, "stop trying to make these people love you. go where the love is." i think for the storytellers,

yes, it's great if we can get the marvel stories and the big studios to get behind our storytelling, bhawt do we do if they don't? we have to figure out ways-- and i think that's great. we need independent film making. we need that to be a part of the landscape of storytelling. everyone can't do a marvel film. >> trevor: when you look at your journey, you spent a rot lot of time knocking on the doors of broadway and it seems the film industry has welcomed you with open arms. do you see yourself going fully into film or coming back to broadway in some way, shape, or form? >> you know, some of the theater producers, they're call me now. you know what i'm■ç saying? you would think i was on some slim-fast diet and lost a little weight. but i hope there's an opportunity to tell a story there. i think my voice tend to lean more towards social justice issue in theater and i do want to tell those stories, but i did

this to break into the film making business. i know people think because i'm in my own film that maybe this is my audition for other roles. no, this is just me being strategic. i knew i couldn't play 39 forever you know what i mean-- even though i m moisturize. i want to make films. i want to compete with major film makers of our time. >> trevor: when-- when someone is watching this movie, they might ask themselves, "okay, who is radha blank? is she an actress? is she a filmmaker?" i found myself going, "is she an undercover m.c.?" because it seems look a joke in the film, but, i mean, you know, radha ma's prime has some rhymes. >> the "the forty-year-old version" is an origin tip. and i have always been an m.c.

and i remember telling somebody i wanted to do a movie about a woman who dieded to become an m.c. at 40 and their first inclination was to laugh and i kind of got offended by that. because i was like, "why is that so funny?" why is it that buster rhymes, and ghostface and all these other mcs are rhyme in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, some of them. why couldn't i get some of that. i am an m.c. and i got some stuff coming up. i got some stuff coming up for the naysayers who think it is just a joke. but, yeah, i feel like the culture, i'm the same age as the culture. >> trevor: right, right. >> i stril something to say. i get that at some point it was youth kurlt, but hip-hop has evolved to include people from different parts of the world, different, you know... kinds of lifestyles. and so, you know, i'm here to the over-40 m.c., because we do

exist. >> trevor: album title, "shoot that shit." >> "shoot that shit." you know what i'm saying. >> trevor: i'm coming through. are you kidding me? >> my growing afro. you know what i'm saying. >> trevor: the flow from the fro. >> the flow from the fro. >> trevor: you didn't even understand right now, radha. the flow from the fro. keep it warm in the dome. what? you got me-- you know what? i'm going to go write rhymes right now. you get back to your press tour and winning those awards. thanks so much for being on the show. >> thanks for should go me. it was awesome. >> trevor: "the forty-year-old version" is available now on netflix. okay, we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.go:

this month is black history month, so please consider supporting barbershop books. it's an organization that creates child-friendly reading spaces in barber shops and provides early literacy training to barbers, all to inspire black boys and other vulnerable children to read. for fun. if you are able to help out, go to the link below and donate what you can. until tomorrow: stay safe out there, wear a mask, and remember: if your water has been hacked, try unplugging it and plugging it back in. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> uhm, you know, it's not just one or two. i think you deleted about 1,000 tweets. and it wasn't just about republicans. and i don't mind disagreements in policy. i think that's great. i love the dialectic. but the comments were personal.

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