i'm trevor noah and this is "the daily social distancing show." today is tuesday, may 4th, which means we are still celebrating "star wars" and how disney is able to use the power of the force. to keep us spending money on this franchise even though it totally lost the plot three movies ago. is there a new darth vader, is luke skywalker still alive? is yoda still a baby? if he's middle aged the manned lorian seems really creepy. coming up, joe biden takes the weirdest photo of all time. we dive into the story of ted cruz, and will smith is getting jigly with it. to let's do this, people, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch

somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: all right r all right, folks, i know you already know this but i'm going to say it. there's a lot of not so great news that is out. covid cases are surging in india and in south america. the united states is struggling to achieve herd immunity, benifer is back in the news and bill and melinda gates are getting a divorce. that's devastating for me. they were married 27 years. i was, like, if the gates can't make it work, nobody can. melinda filed for divorce. i don't know the how or the why. i do know if ever there was a thing that bill gates doesn't control minds, i mean, this is it. i don't know if you've noticed this, but every single one of us was shocked the same way. you know, like when kim and

kanye happened, people were, like, celebrities. jeff bezos and mckenzie, everybody was, like, i guess. but they're like our parents. i can't believe it. people in south america, south africa were texting me. the way they were coming at me together i thought they would never end. first of all, when are they going to get their privacy and how either of them will be able to date again. because when you're worth that much money, it's hard to know if people are just using you for the money. every single dinner that they go out on could suddenly turn into an episode of shark tank. oh, no, melinda, i dropped my napkin so it's a good thing i'm wearing one. introducing napkin shirt. i'll be honest, with all of this going on, i was in a bad mood when i woke up this morning. but then i remembered that no matter what else is going on in the world, there's always a

bright side you can turn to. so let's do that with another edition of "a ray of sunshine." ♪♪♪ all right, let's kick things off with the coronavirus vaccine. the createst scientific achievement since the development of that secret face cream that paul rudd uses to stay young. and thankfully, soon, even more americans will be able to get their hands on this miracle vaccine. >> the f.d.a. could expand covid vaccines for 12 to 15-year-olds as early as this week. health experts say any day now the agency is expected to authorize pfizer's drug for that younger age group. the decision would allow middle school and all high school students to get the shots. pfizer said clinical trials showed the vaccine was, get this, 100% effective for 12-year-olds to 15-year-olds that have that did good immune at this. if authorized the age group could start receiving the pfizer vaccine later this month.

>> trevor: wow! what great news! thislike a huge step forward for kids sick of zoom class and want to get back to being sick of actual class. let's be honest, this can't come soon enough. it is so important for the young population to get reengaged into society and so important for my self-confidence to have five hours a day when i'm not getting my ass handed to me by some kid on war zone. go to school! this will allow teenagers to do normal teenage stuff like going to school, seeing their friends, getting venmo'd by matt gaetz. yesterday president biden took a break from his dog and went to georgia where he and the first lady met up with the oldest and most adorable predecessors. >> let's show you the photo of the carter center. this is the visit of president

biden and consider jill biden with row rosalie and jimmy cart. they will celebrate 75 years married in july. >> it's great to see this photo. great, 75 years. >> trevor: guys, i'm really happy to see these people together and smiling and everything. it's just what the (~bleep~) is going on in this photo? why do the bidens look five times bigger than the carters? is there some doll house filter i didn't know about? i have been staring at the thing the whole day and i can't figure out what's going on. i can't figure out if the bidens had a late growth spurt or if they're playing with jimmy carter action figures. what were the photographer's instructions? we're going to do a normal one, a goofy one and then one where it looks like you're from two separate dimensions. we good? this is the weirdest picture of a president since, well, any

picture of donald trump. but i'm not hating, please don't get me wrong. i think it is great to see presidents of different generations to come together to make me think i'm on shrooms. from the president to fresh prince who is having size issues of his own. >> quarantine and the pandemic put many health goals on pause and will smith was not immune either. the pressure prince made headlines after pos posting this shirtless photo on instagram along with the caption i'm going to be real with y'all, i'm in the worst shape of my life. he was quickly praised for his brutal honesty with fans and celebrities. >> trevor: i was pissed off with covid but now it's gone too far. you make will smith have slightlyless abs? damn you, covid! but at the same time this is refreshing because some people live on social media about how their bodies actually look and

we all know who i'm referring to, right? the ones who photoshop everything and cause other people to feel like their bodies don't measure up. i mean, do i need to say their name? okay, fine. i'm calling you out, jack kangaroo. you gave me dysmorphia. and i don't ware what will smith says, this is not him at his worst. we've seen him at his worst. to be honest, will smith doesn't even look that bad. i bet you if he sets aside just 10 minutes a day doing the carlton he'll be back in shape by the summer. by the way, will smith, thanks for make meg and tons of other people feel like shit. this is your worst body? that's the best body some will ever have! thanks for showing will's instagram. but pictures are gone viral since the beginning to have the time. a girl scashing in on the fame. >> disaster girl and worldwide meme is selling the picture for

a whole lot of money. zoe roth is selling this original image of her meme as an nft for close to half million dollars. but it was taken back in 2005 by her father. she is now 21, by the way. it's been shared tens of millions of times. she says she will split the profits with her family. >> trevor: goddam, half a million dollars? man! somebody gets me a camera and a pack of matches because i missed bitcoin but i'm not missing out on this. you know what? good for her. people's images who are shared by millions across the internet, would be nice if they got something out of it. in fact i know one guy who sold the store and he was, like, well that gives me an idea. still, if you ask me, i think people are way into memes. they are so corny and overused and it's crazy someone paid half a million for one. but you know what? that's none of my business.

but let's move on to another cool, fun, internet story. last year when the pandemic started, a guy named josh sent a facebook message to a bunch of other guys named josh, challenging them all into a fight in one year's time. and unlike most of us who can't even keep plans we made earlier in the day, these guys actually followed through on it. >> what's in a name? just ask josh or ask all of them who gathered in lincoln, nebraska, for a pool noodle brawl. >> three, two, one! >> a guy named josh created a josh byte at the start of the pandemic and challenges all joshes to a duel. it got the attention of joshes all over the nations but the winner is the smallest of all. 4-year-old josh was honored with a paper crown and bragging rights. >> trevor: congrats to little josh for winning that josh fight, and condolences to the family of josh groban who that

child beat into a coma. seriously, it's cool to see joshes from all around the country coming together to have harmless fun. usually when that many joshes are in the same place the only thing that comes out of it is what a hedge fund? that's one of the cool things about the internet is it lets these kind of events happen oh organically, you know, for no reason at all. well, i mean, it's either that or maybe this was actually a giant undercover operation to capture josh dugger. either way, it worked. you know, after watching this, i realized that we need to crown a champion for every name, because too often i meet someone like sai my neighbor steve, and i think to myself, is this the best steve i could be talking to? i mean, i have limited time in my life. am i going to spend it on some sub-par steve? yeah, i'm talking about you again! you want to make noise at night you think i'm not going to talk about you on my show? the only name you couldn't try this with is karen. yeah, don't ever try to create a karen fight. a karen fight would be much less fun. all right, is everybody ready?

all right, let's do this. three, two, one, go! hello, police, i'm in a field, come help! 911, come quickly, somebody is calling the cops on me. someone's on their phone and i'm scared! you get down here right now or i'm going to sue the city! finally, there's a lot of things we waste in our everyday lives. we waste food, brain cells, time d.m. >> coal gate is it making a coating to get every last drop of toothpaste out of the today. liquid glide helped develop the technology. right now it's only in coal gate elixir toothpaste. 13% of toothpaste is wasted in every tube. >> trevor: now this is amazing. what a terrific idea that won't get us canceled by accident.

i'm glad toothpaste isn't going to waste anymore. not that it will make a difference for me. when you grow up poor, you are used to using every last daniel drop of toothpaste. you're squeezing it, cutting it open, and when it's gone you brush with the tube itself. with this great news, they're using this technology all kinds of product like kemp up bottles which i'm so happy to hear. i don't know about you but i'm tired of giving hi ketchup an ass whooping just so i can dip my french fries. this luters me way more than it hurts you. no, really it hurts me way more. aaahhh! people, when come back, we'll take a look how ted cruz got that way, and senator elizabeth warren is joining us on the show. so don't go away.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." ted cruz, you know him as asticks senator and blobfish who forgot to charge his electric razor, but there's so much more to the man than that. so let's get to know ted cruz in another episode of the daily show-ography. >> march 4, 2016. >> let's cut waste fraud and abusech it's easy to say it. >> establishment republican candidates were making their last stand against donald trump, and senator ted cruz of texas had a gross booger hanging on his lip. and then he ate it. as if none of us could see. this is ted cruz, the booger on the lip of democracy. ♪♪♪

raphael edward cruz was born in canada to an american woman and a form or cuban revolutionary. when ted was 4, the cruzs relocated to texas. >> houston, we have a problem. >> where his youthful ambition was the same as any higher order lizard, sex and domination. >> well, my aspiration is to -- oh, i don't know, be in a film like the guy who played horatio, he was in a malibu bikini beach show, other than that, take over the world. world domination. >> yes, yuck ted cruz was obsessed with boobs and power, two things he would struggle to get his maunds on for the rest of his life. from there on to princeton university who he befriended mazin, craig. >> i

>> ted cruz was so awful this professional screen writer could think of no other word to describe him. that's impressive. after graduating from harvard law school, ted finally found someone who didn't hate him, which left him no choice but to marry her. >> we got back from our honey honeymoon and he went to the store and arrived back at the apartment with literally 100 cans of campbell's chunky soup. i said you don't buy a hundred of anything much less soup. i said i will be making things, he said, no, i know you won't be making things. because there's no room for both a soup and wife, ted and heidi lived apart for seven years.

cruz used that time to rise through the legal ranks arguing cases to the supreme court where he championed right of mental prisoners to be executed by the state. the most famous was the passionate defense of one unusual texas law. >> cruz as texas solicitor jen once defended a ban on sex toys. >> ted cruz defend add ban on sex toys even though he himself is a complete dildo. in 2012, cruz burst on to the national stage as a senate candidate and darling of the tapet. once elected, he put his mark on the senate by filibustering obamacare while showing off his first grade reading ability. >> do you like green eggs and ham? i do not like them, sam i am. i do not like green eggs and ham. >> what a treat to hear dr. seuss read by a dr. seuss character. to achieve his dreams of world domination, ted knew he would need to leave an impression and he left impressions everywhere.

>> there is no try. do or do not! >> the force is strong with this one. >> nonstop. >> hidey ho, neighbor. >> just a never ending parade of barely recognizable voices. >> liar! witch! even though he could don't any of them. >> in the immortal words of william wallace -- freedom! >> with charisma like that, there was only one thing for cruz to do -- >> i am announcing that i'm running for president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) ( rap ) >> soon, ted was cruzing toward victory. he had key endorsements. >> i looked at the candidates, ted cruz is my man. >> a supportive family. >> not a day goes by that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer. >> that's right. >> for hours at a time.

>> and fresh ideas. >> of course, in texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. ( gunfirebrook ( rap beat ) >> mmm, machine gun bacon. ( laughter ) >> any hunter can track and shoot an animal, but it takes a true outdoorsman to use a gun on meat he already bought at the store. that's just how unlikable ted cruz is. he actually found a way to turn people off of bacon. but despite having the meticulous planning skills and foresight that's coincidentally the hallmark of a serial killer, ted cruz failed to anticipate -- donald trump. >> ted cruz is a absolute disgusting liar. he is like a little baby, soft, weak little baby. this guy's a liar. lying ted cruz. lying ted. lies, oh, he lies. >> donald trump called his wife ugly and said his father was implicated in the conspiracy to

kill j.f.k.! >> at first, ted took the high road, swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way. but finally, he had had enough. >> cruz got on stage at the r.n.c. and he did not endorse donald trump. >> vote your conscience. that pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and slander and attack heidi that i'm going to nonetheless come like a servile puppy dog and say thank you very much for maligning my wife and maligning my father. >> the gauntlet had been thrown. no longer would ted cruz cater to donald trump's every whim. he drew a line in the sand and -- oh, hold on, i'm getting a call. >> hi, news ted cruz calling. i was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election day. >> oh, ted. with nothing left to do, cruz headed back to the senate where he reclaimed his position as the most hated guy in the office. >> if you kill ted cruz on the

floor of the senate, and the trial was in the senate, nobody could convict you. >> i probably like ted cruz more than most of my leagues like ted cruz, and i hate ted cruz. he's just a toxic co-worker. he's the guy that microwaves fish. >> there is nothing more dangerous than -- a reckless asshole who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. ladies and gentlemen, meet ted cruz. >> i am beginning to understand why ted cruz is hated by everyone i've place he's ever been from kindergarten to the texas state gnat. >> i'm not endorsing cruz. i think i would take cyanide if he got the nomination. >> goddam even people who think mass shootings are bad think ted cruz (~bleep~) sucks. ted began rehabilitating his image. he began doing relatable stuff

like posting porn on 9/11 and encouraging insurrection against the government. >> we are not go quietly into the night. >> ted cruz's objection to the arizona -- >> objection, he was going to sell us out all along. object to counting the electoral votes of the state of california. we know that's -- >> all right, all right, let's think about this -- >> oh, no, ted cruz is so hateable that for a moment even his biggest fans hated him by accident. ( free ted, free ted ) >> once the dust settled and the mob decided not to murder him, ted and family headed back home to texas to let things cool down in washington. unfortunately, things cooled down even more in texas. as texans wait for a thaw and power to their homes. senator ted cruz is facing backlash after an alleged fellow passenger tweeted out this photo appearing to show cruz on a flight to cancun.

>> he first blamed the trip on his kids. that turned out to be a lie. >> the 24-hour trip to cancun radically shifted america's view of ted cruz from the giant unlikable asshole to -- actually, it didn't shift the view of him at all. but these are just small bumps on the road to his ultimate goa. to ted cruz, the earth is a mere booger dancing on his lips, tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive, waiting until the day he can swallow us whole and hope that no one saw it. >> trevor: all right, when we come back, i'll be joined by massachusetts senator elizabeth warren. you don't want to miss it. ♪ (suspenseful music) ♪ ♪ ♪ just tell me what i need to know. never! (hands hit desk) where is it? it's on the beach. ocean views.

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♪ the things, you say ♪ ♪ your purple prose just gives you away ♪ ♪ the things, you say ♪ ♪ you're unbelievable ♪ ♪ ♪ applebee's irresist-a-bowls are back. dig in for just $8.99. "the daily social distancing show." my guest tonight is senator elizabeth warren. she's here to talk about her new book where she opens up about her 2020 presidential run, what it was like fighting for change in congress then and now and, of course, inspiring others to persist. senator elizabeth warren, welcome back to the shoovrntle thank you. good to be with you, sort of. >> trevor: sort of and hopefully in person one day in the future. >> soon. >> trevor: the country is changing, the country is

growing. let's jump straight into the questions because you are in a position of power in the country decide ago lot of where america is going to be going. i know you've got a new book and that applies to some of the conversation we're going to have today, but let's start with the immediate question many people have, when does america go back to normal? >> oh, i think normal is going to change for us. i don't know, think of it this way, trevor, let's set the table here -- what has happened in the last year -- global pandemic, a racial reckoning, an armed insurrection, a new president, and an historic rescue package that's been voted through. all of that, and that means change is everywhere. it's in the air. it's not about going back. it's about what normal is going to look like going forward, and it's more than just coping with a pandemic, it's that we have

our toes on this line to make big structural change in this country. the book i wrote, persist, the message is about the next 100 days. what we do in congress, what we do as a nation, to change the role of government and to change how we invest in each other and build a future that works not just for the billionaires and trillionaires that, by the way, made it through this last yearer just great, but how we make this country work early for everyone. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about the book then, "persist." we remember the origins with mitch mcconnell. you know, when we think about "persist," we think about elizabeth warren and many women who identified with that word because of a similar situation they had been in life or in work. you talk about this journey that you have been on. let's start with your run for president. i found it really interesting

that you critiqued yourself. you said, i didn't get the people out -- and i'm paraphrasing -- you said maybe i didn't connect with them and didn't sell my investigation in the correct way for what i wanted to achieve. why did you feel it was important to go back and criticize yourself when the election was done and you could just move on and say that's that. >> i wanted to give an honest account about what it's like as a woman, a woman running for office. and i also talk in the book about what it's like as a mother, as teacher, as a fighter, as a planner, as a learner, and the reason i do that goes back to where we started this conversation -- america is in this amazing position right now. most of the time, trevor, the doors are locked, we can't make real change in washington. but when you've got this much

change, this much turmoil, this many things going on, the door opens up not wide, but a little bit. >> trevor: right. >> and, so, what this is about is what i bring. i tell the personal stories, what i bring to the fight for the kinds of changes we should make, but also how personal it is for everyone else, how getting this right or wrong will touch us in such personal life or death, what your life is like not just right now but what it's like in a year, in ten years, and all the way out to your retirement. and that you have power right now, and the power starts with persistence. >> trevor: it feels a little bit, for many people, that they don't have the power. you know, many voters will say, we stepped up, we came out, we voted, we got the people in

power we wanted into power and now it seems like nothing can move. we're told the senate doesn't have the 60 that they need, and this is not being moved here, and mitch mcconnell still has power, and people said how is that possible, i thought that was the point of voting. how do you respond to voters who came out and put the democrats they wanted in power and told we can't do things because there's a guy named joe manchin, for instance, and if he doesn't agree nothing will happen. how do you have that conversation with people to keep them from persisting when their per assistants doesn't feel like it amounts to what it should. >> i start by saying you're right, you aren't getting what you deserve. this is why it's so important for democrats to deliver. and i don't just say that publicly. i think you're the first person who's asked me about it. i say this over and over and over to the rest of the democrats -- we made a lot of promises to get here, we made a lot of promises to get joe biden

elected, we made a lot of promises in georgia to say, hey, georgia, give us two more senators, but part of that means we cannot now be in the majority. i know it's a little tiny skinny majority, but it's a majority, and then turn around and say, oh, there's filibuster, so mitch mcconnell gets a veto over any dang thing we want to do. that is not how a democracy works, and democrats need to belly up to that reality. but on the basic get the business of the people done, our founders said majority in the house, majority in the senate, president signs it, that's now law,er and that, in my view, is exactly what we've got to. do we've got to deliver on the things that we promised the american people we would do and deliver on things, by the way, that are popular, popular with democrats, popular with

republicans, popular with independents, like childcare, canceling student loan debt, a wealth tax, a tax on giant corporations. there are a lot of things we could do that would be big and that would show people how much it matters that they came out and voted. >> trevor: when you look at some of the other issues america is facing, one of those issues has been the taxation of the ultra rich, right. what's interesting about america, for me personally, is the rich have done a very good job in this country of making everyone believe that they are either richer than they are or they're going to themselves become billionaires at some point and, so, it is also in their favor to maintain taxation that is favorable to the rich. as elizabeth warren, how do you make it seem like you are not going against the idea of the american dream and taking away people's money when they've made a business that everybody uses, like amazon or like facebook, like, many americans will be, like, you just want to take

their money, but they worked hard for their money, why should you take away their money for them? >> so here's my pitch -- you're a billionaire, you worked hard, you busted your tail, you made it big, good for you. great! i'm glad to hear it. but here's the deal -- if you built a business here in america, you didn't do that all by yourself, you did it using workers all of us helped pay to educate, you did it getting your goods to market on roads and bridges all of us helped to pay for, you did it protected by firefighters, all of us helped pay the salaries for. and we're glad to do it because we invest as a nation, as a people, in creating opportunities so you got a chance to get out there and build this fabulous business. and now, all we're saying is, when you make it big -- and i mean really big -- for me, when

you've got more than $50 million in accumulated assets, on your 50 millionth and first dollar and every dollar above that, pitch in two cents so everybody else gets a chaps to make it. that's all this is about. you're still going to be so rich you could roll in it, you could go down in your basement and just, you know, you could rub your shoulders with it, you could do whatever you want to do with your money but two-cent wealth tax, a little higher if you're a billionaire, your fortune, even if you don't lift a finger, your fortune will keep on growing, it's just not going to grow quite as fast, but the consequence will be that two cents from the very top, this one will knock you over, that will produce $3 trillion in revenues over the next ten years, enough money for

universal childcare and early childhood education for every baby in this country, enough money to revitalize all of our k-12 schools, enough money to cancel that $50,000 of student loan debt, of putting real investments in our historically black colleges and universities and making all of our colleges tuition-free and still have money left over. just two cents. that's all we need. >> you know what, senator warren, i could always talk to you forever. luckily, we have a book for that. i hope everybody goes out and reads it. i think it's informative, i think it's vulnerable, and most importantly, i think it's really interesting. thank you for taking the time to join me today and good luck with mitch mcconnell and the rest of the crew in the senate. >> thank you. i really appreciate your having me here today. >> trevor: don't forget, senator warren's book, "persist," is available right now. we'll take a quick break but

we'll be right back after this. oh when june-- hit that guy! yes! wait i don't remember that! it's in season 4 - don't tell me you haven't seen it! i watched season 3. you won't stay caught up for long unless you keep watching the best shows from hulu, peacock, starz, showtime, and hbo max, all year long. just say "watchathon" into your voice remote

to add a channel or streaming service and stay caught up. show for tonight. but before we go, may is mental health awareness month, so please consider supporting an organization called the boris lawrence henson foundation, founded by taraji p. henson. they're a non-profit committed to eradicating the stigma of mental health issues in the african-american community. by supporting the boris lawrence henson foundation, you are helping to increase the number of african-american therapists, combat recidivism within the prison system and provide mental health support in urban schools. if you are able, go to the link below to donate what you can. stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember -- if you gained some weight during the pandemic, don't worry, you

now officially have the body of a movie star. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. >> well, break out the light sabers and may the fourth be with you. >> this is the best we could do for a saber. >> mykaya, i am your father. >> today, do or do not because there is no try. >> oooh! >> oooh. >> beep, boop, beep, boop -- >> say hello to our friend -- wrong franchise. >> may the fourth be with you! ♪♪♪ take that, trevor noah, john oliver, make fun of the weather geeks who celebrate "star wars" as we do! see? (whispering) i'm a mother(bleep) mommy.

don't curse. oh, i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to curse. don't curse. ♪♪ hoi you gois! it's me, phoebe robinson, and today we are doing things a little bit differently. so, before covid i met up with my good homie hasan minhaj, who y'all know from "the daily show," "the patriot act," and his upcoming role on season two of "the morning show." (laughs) but what you guys might not know is that he is an amazing father. so, before quarantine we went to buy buy baby and talk about kids all things parenting so he could help me figure out if me and my boyfriend, british baekoff should have squirrely babies of our own. and then at the end of the episode, i caught up with some friends over zoom. let's just say they have some thoughts on whether or not i'd be a good mom. it was not a little massage of the ego. they were like, "bitch..."