sm like a really nice guy. "but you're not qualified. you admitted it yourself." that's how it works. >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? i'm trevor noah, and this is "the daily social distancing show." today is thursday, may 6, which means we are still celebrating teacher appreciation week. and today, we're going to show our appreciation to... gym teachers! yes, that's right, gym teachers. sorry for making fun of you for wearing sweatpants to work. we apologize. now that we all do it, we see just how right they were this entire time. so thank you. twitter is forcing us to be nice. desi lydic tells us what she really wants for mother's day, and how cyber ninjas are going to help donald trump get back in power. so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show."

>> announcer: from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show," with trevor noah. >> trevor: all right, let's kick things off with twitter-- the site that owes $30 billion in mean royalties to denzel washington. now, i love twitter as much as anyone, but one of the worst things about it is how absolutely any post can turn into a nasty fight. i mean, you could type, "i love my mom," and then you get ten replies telling you to kill yourself. and one of them is from your mom! well, now twitter is trying to make things a little more civil. >> there's more changes on the way for twitter. the tech company is rolling out a feature that will automatically detect mean replies, and then it prompts people to review the replies before they send them. users will have three options. from there, you can either tweet the message as is, edit it, or delete it altogether. it gives you time to think before you tweet, kind of revisit it. >> trevor: that's right, people. twitter is introducing a new

feature that will tell you if your tweets are too mean-- or, if they're about ted cruz, not mean enough. the problem with this idea is that if you're on twitter, well, you've already decided you're gonna act like a dick. that's what twitter is for. it would be like if the waiter at the cheesecake factory asking if you're sure you want to order a meal that's 12,000 calories. man, i'm here, aren't i? why do you think i'm here? to think about my life choices? just bring me the food. if you think about it the meanest tweets are the ones that sound the nicest. like "you dress like shit is mean." but if someone says, "it's so brave to go out looking like that." that will destroy you. i'm not trying to hate on what tbitter is trying to do. if this makes people rethink

messages they wrote in the heat of the moment, that's great. but it also means the tweets that make it through are so much worse, because that person thought about it long and hard, and decided, yes, they do think you're a soyboy cuck. if you give people a chance to reconsider their tweets. it could go the wrong way entirely. "you know, twitter, you're right. now they think it, i don't want to call this guy a loser, i want to call him a punch-ass bitch." let's move on to international news. belgium: it's a country that's so much more than just waffles, like they have... and while there's not usually much news out of belgium, one man there has just sparked a major diplomatic incident. >> a belgian farmer taking the concept of country pride a bit too far. he moved a stone on his property some seven feet to make room for a tractor, inadvertently

shifting the border with france, making his country bigger and france smaller. turns out the stone is part of a series of border markers that have been in place since 1819. >> trevor: wait, hole up. europeans can just arbitrarily move their own border lines around? i thought they only did that to africa! man. this is such a fun story. i love the idea that countries mark their borders like kids playing soccer in a park. "okay, the goal is between the trash can and the tree. and that bookbag over is where germany starts." and as much as it makes me feel better that even countries have been getting bigger during the pandemic, are we sure this was an accident? i mean, maybe this is just belgium's slow plan to take over the world. everyone is like, "oh, it's just seven feet. let them have it." and then a year later it's another seven feet and then another seven feet. and one day, we'll be like, "was tokyo always part of belgium?

feels like it wasn't. and, finally, this sunday is mother's day, when americans celebrate their moms with flowers and breakfast in bed-- which, by the way, i never really understood. i don't get why people like breakfast in bed. "it is just so magical to lie here and eat in the place i've been farting for eight hours! and then i'm going to go back to sleep in the place i ate." look, the point is it's a special day. and for more, let's talk to our senior mom correspondent, desi lydic. happy mother's day to you, desi. and let me just say, i think it's one holiday that should be every day. >> that's kind of dumb, trevor. you can't have mother's day every day. 9 world would run out of roses and gift cards for massages that don't include the tip >> trevor: yeah, i know, it was just the sentiment. it doesn't matter. but this mother's day should be more fun than last, right? people are vaccinated, places re reopening, so moms canaces actually go out to have fun and feel safe. >> yeah, yeah, absolutely.

honestly, it's a huge relief, because the last year has been especially hard for moms. moms have taken on the biggest burden of the pandemic, between juggling career, child care, home schooling. the only thing working harder than moms are ipads. my son is as much peppa pig's kid now as he is mine. >> trevor: i feel you, desi. i love that show. i got a pet turtle during quarantine, and i have to feed it almost every day. i mean, it's not the same, but it's kind of the same? >> it's not the same. >> trevor: it's not the same. >> it's not the same. >> trevor: it's not the same at all. moms have been through a lot, and hopefully you'll be get some amazing gifts from your kids. >> yeah, yeah, i can't wait for the coupon for free hugs, you know. i feel like i have so much of those at this point i can buy a round for everyone.

but, trevor, do you know what would be really the best gift america could give moms this mother's day? >> trevor: i do, desi. america needs to give its moms mi#!"uáp& childcare and paid parental leave. i feel you, girl! >> what? no-- i mean, yes, that would be great, but the best gifts this mother's day would be to just leaves moms the ( bleep ) alone. >> trevor: wait. >> yeah. >> trevor: are you saying moms want to spend mother's day on vaccination from their kids? >> yes! or the kids can go on vacation. i don't care. someone else can run around on the beach and make sure he doesn't eat sand. i will be at home in my bath tub, and for the first time in a while, actually taking a bath in it instead of just getting in fully dressed and crying >> trevor: i gotta say, this seems more doable than universal childcare. >> great. great and this works out well because it doesn't just have to be for mother's day. it can be for father's day, too.

>> trevor: right, because dads deserve a vacation, too. >> no, ( bleep ) that. moms get to be alone on father's day, too. also memorial day. and independence day. labor day and, you know, the month of december. >> trevor: desi, you're not going to spend christmas day with your family? >> okay don't mom shame me, trevor! or i'll take that precious little turtle of yours and shove up up your manhole. if you'll excuse me, i need to recharge my coparent. >> trevor: happy mother's day. but let's move on to our main story: the republican party: it's the only party mitch mcconnell has ever been invited to. "party people in the house say mwaaah." ever since donald trump got the party's presidential nomination in 2016, the g.o.p. has been divided between politicians who love trump's brash, grab-'em-by-the-pussy style, and those who believe in more traditional republican values,

like telling poor people to "stop being poor." and now, one of the last holdouts among the anti-trump traditionalists may be about to get the boot. >> tonight, the firestorm over congresswoman liz cheney's position in the republican party is growing with top republican steve scalise saying she needs to be removed from her role as the third-ranking g.o.p. leader. at issue: cheney's fierce criticism of former president trump, arguing he should not be a part of the g.o.p.'s future after the capitol attack and his false claims of election fraud. >> i think that it was the gravest violation of an oath of office by any president in american history. >> cheney survived one removal vote after she voted to impeach mr. trump in january, but her g.o.p. critics have only gotten louder. another removal vote is likely to come next week, on wednesday. >> top house republican kevin mccarthy caught on a hot mic obtained by mediate. >> i've had it with her. you know, i've lost confidence.

>> liz cheney remains defiant, warning her colleagues in a new "washington post" op-ed that history is watching, calling this a turning point. >> trevor: uhhh, the g.o.p. is at a "turning point?" nigga, that turn happened a long time ago! don't you remember jeb bush flying out of the car? that was the turn! that was the ultimate turn! still, i gotta give props to liz cheney for risking her political career to stand up for what she believes in. because you don't see that very often. it's like seeing someone use an iphone as an actual phone. it's like, damn! shit. i totally forgot they could do that. say what's up to my grandmother." and, look, it is a little weird to see a party be so loyal to a guy who doesn't have a loyal bone in his body-- or possibly any bones in his body. but loyalty to trump is a defining principle of the g.o.p. right now. and if she doesn't agree with that, it doesn't make much sense

for her to be one of the party's leaders. like, i think greta thunberg makes some great points, but i don't think she should be on the board of exxon mobil. ( greta ) "have we considered that instead of selling oil, you all go to prison for killing the planet?" ( guy ) "can you stop proposing that every meeting? who invites her to these things? why is she here?" and you might think it's weird that the party is so outraged over one person saying donald trump lost the election. but the reason they're so mad about liz cheney is they don't accept that it's the truth. 70% of republicans think joe biden probably stole the election, and even now, there are still efforts going on to overturn the results in close states, including a big one in arizona. >> a pitched partisan battle over the 2020 election is raging on in arizona right now. the g.o.p.-controlled state senate is carrying out a third audit of arizona's largest county, even though two prior bipartisan audits found zero evidence of widespread fraud or

other issues. >> the audit is being conducted by people who participated in the insurrection. anthony kern, a former state lawmaker who was at the u.s. capitol on january 6, is among the people helping to count and inspect maricopa county ballots. >> overseeing the exercise, a florida cybersecurity firm called cyber ninjas. it's run by someone who aplified election conspiracy theories. >> trevor: hell, yeah! the arizona votes are being recounted by cyber ninjas! hiyah! hiyah! modem punch! server chop! hiyah! aaah! i mean, i thought regular ninjas were cool, but cyber ninjas! wooo! they're the kind of ninjas who will steal your wifi password, and when you turn around to look for them, your head falls off. guys, i really love ninjas, ever since i was a little kid. my tenth birthday party was me and a big group of invisible ninjas-- and now that i'm saying it out loud, i realize my mom just told me that because no one showed up.o3

mooom! now, you might think it's crazy to have election conspiracy theorists in charge of an election audit, but to me, this makes perfect sense. because don't forget, this is the third audit they've done in arizona. at this point, you aren't going through the effort of counting again unless you know the guys you're hiring are going to give you the result you want. this is just smart. and if you're wondering how a bunch of conspiracy nuts are going to turn a biden win into a trump win, the answer is, in the craziest ways possible. >> the arizona senate's ballot recount has been plagued with questions from the beginning. investigative reporter morgan loew exposed major security lapses such as open doors that allowed access to equipment and ballots. it was also reported blue pens that can be used to alter ballots were handed out to volunteers. on friday, a judge ordered cyber ninjas, the private company hired to do the audit, provide documents outlining their procedures.

>> among the many conspi conspiratorial, an intense fear of an attack and breach by antifa and the use of u.v. light to look for fraud. >> according to a qanon theory, the u.v. light will reveal watermarks that donald trump put on the ballots to trap cheating democrats. >> and another bizarre twist i was telling you about in the arizona audit. auditors are now looking for "bamboo in ballots." >> audit official john brakey says there are accusations 40,000 ballots were smuggled in from asia. while there is no evidence of this, brakey says auditors are using cameras to look for "bamboo fibers" in ballot paper. >> trevor: no, no, no, no, no, i'm sorry. america is not real. these dudz are searching the ballots for bamboo, like a bunch of starving pandas. sometimes i actually wish i was

a conspiracy theorist because there is you never a dull moment. they can turn a regular-ass thursday into a "indiana jones" movie like this. and just so you know, they've been looking at these ballots with u.v. lights for three weeks now, and they haven't found any secret watermarks. but they did find that 98% of ballots have jizz on them. yeah, this is why you can't put curtains on voting booths. people are disgusting. now, it's easy to dismiss this arizona audit, but there is at least one person who is pretty sure it's going to put donald trump back in power. and you'll never guess who that person is. >> former president donald trump, meanwhile, continues to perpetuate the big lie about election fraud. video has surfaced of him addressing a crowd at mar-a-lago last wednesday discussing the republican-led recount that's currently under way in arizona's maricopa county. >> let's see what they find. i wouldn't be surprised if they found thousands and thousands and thousands of votes. so we're going to watch that very closely. and after that, you will watch pennsylvania, and you will watch georgia, and you're going to

watch michigan and wisconsin, and you're watching new hampshire. they found a lot of votes up in new hampshire just now. >> trevor: oh, my god, donald. what happened to you? this guy was the president a few months ago. now he's like the world's worst wedding d.j.! i'm not even gloating. it is sad to see d.j.t. crashing parties at mar-a-lago u in fact, if they were smart, mar-a-lago would charge you extra to have trump not appear at your wedding. ( bride ) "um, could we not have the president interrupt my father-daughter dance to rant about the stolen election?" ( guy ) "oooooh, you wanna spring fo the deluxe package. of course, darling." but i feel like we're discovering a new rule of physics here. if donald trump comes into contact with a microphone, he's going to ramble about how the election was rigged. doesn't even have to be a wedding. he'll take over anything, can

even be a funeral. "and we just saw they found votes in pennsylvania. so unlike timothy here, we're very much alive, people, very much alive." but, look, the truth is, trump ranting about the stolen election to an audience that eats up every word is the republican party right now. and it looks more and more like that's not a party liz cheney can be a leader in. all right, when we come back, we will found out how the opencompanies killed thousands opencompanies killed thousands of people an

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my first guest is the emmy and oscar-winning filmmaker alex gibney. he's here to talk about his powerful new hbo documentary about the opioid crisis. >> when you as the rep walk in there, they run to you with a pen to sign and are running away at the same time because they don't have time to talk to you because they're treating patients making money. if he's a businessman i have to show him the wifm-- what's in it for me? that's all they're thinking, what's. in it for me? buddy will you stop talking about the freaking drug and saving the patient. stop talking about the science and tell me with what's in it for me because you're wasting my time. those are the reps. those are the doctors you want to find. >> trevor: alex gibney, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> thanks, trevor. >> trevor: the last time you were on our show was in 2018 and you were on with your documentary "dirty money." now you are back with another

documentary about a topic that i can't even explain to you how infuriating it makes me as a person because, "a," of what was done to people. "b" of what the ramifications have been. and, "c," why it feels like almost nothing is going to happen in the way of justice. and that is all about the opioid epidemic. tell me a little bit about your documentary. it's a two-parter on hbo. >> it's a two-part doc, four hours, called "the crime of the century." the reason i called it "the crime of the century," and the reason i was interested in doing it was it seemed like the opioid crisis was being presented to us almost luke a natural disaster, like a hurricane or a flood, as if it just happened. but upon examination, it seems clear that it was manufactured, manufactured by a number of key corporations, and so there's a crime there, and, therefore, there are people to be held to account. and, therefore, there are things that were done wrong that hopefully get set right. >> trevor: what's really interesting in this story, i didn't know some of these parts,

was how these drug companies-- purdue in particular-- said, you know, what? we're going to make sure we get these drugs to the people. we're going to trick everybody from the government through to the consumer, and make sure that they take as much of these pills as possible. the question i have for you is how on earth do they trick the f.d.a.? >> we got our hands on a document that seems to indicate that, actually, they got to a person inside the f.d.a. it was actually the medical officer examining the application. and they turn him. and, in fact, he cooperates with them in terms of reviewing their own application. >> trevor: wow! >> and then, a year after leaving the f.d.a., lo and behold, he gets a job with purdue for about-- close to $400,000. >> trevor: wow. >> coincidence? i think not. >> trevor: this is one of the saddest crime stories for me because it does not end with a sense of justice. it does not end with a sense of the world is in a better place.

because the company itself doesn't suffer. and neither does the family who's made all of the money. >> that's right. and you're referring to purdue. now, in a few rare occasions, some executives have been committed and gone to prison. in the case of insys, for example. we see more often it's the midlevel dealers who get nabbed, the walter whites who get nabbed. and the people at the tippy top-- the sackler family, for example-- where the key executives at purdue didn't do any time. and it's worse than them just getting off scott free. we got our hands on a 120-page prosecution memo prepared by federal prosecutors that argued strongly that top executives at purdue should be charged with felonies. mysteriously, thanks to the intervention of people like rudy giuliani and others, a deal was cut at the department of justice, and there was a bargain whereby purdue would pay a fine, the executives would plead guilty to misdemeanors, they

would never serve a day in prison, purdue would pay their fines. and the most important thing was all the evidence collected over the course of a four-year investigation would be buried. and in the years after that decision happened, hundreds of thousands of people died because nobody could see the damage done, and even worse, all-- you know, a ton of other companies then rush into the market. they see that purdue got off with a traffic ticket, so now they're going to rub into the market and really exploit this opioid situation for their own profit. >> trevor: when i saw that part of the documentary, one of the thungz i found myself thinking was it's amazing how if you kill a person in america, you can go away for the rest of your life. but if you kill hundreds of thousands of people, somehow, it's just a statistic. >> that's right. >> trevor: you know? and the ultimate irony on top of it is they are now paying the fines they've been required to pay, not from their personal wealth, but, rather, by selling

more opioids. >> you're referring to a recent decision by the department of justice, another criminal admission of guilt by the purdue company, and purdue agrees to pay an $8 billion fine. you think, wow, that's great. $8 billion. what a-- what a tremendous punishment. then you discover, oh, wait a minute. purdue pharma is bankrupt. the sacklers have taken all their money out of the company, and how are they going to pay that $8 billion fine? it turns out, the way to pay that fine, because purdue is bankrupt, is actually to sell more oxycontin. who makes-- you can't make that up. >> trevor: when you are-- when you are a filmmaker, you're trying to tell us a story. that's what you do in all of your documentaries. and oftentimes, those story make people want to do something. in this case, i felt helpless. i was like, well, the justice-- the justice department did its thing. justice had run its course, and, yet, there is no justice out

there. as a storyteller, you are shining a light on this, but what would you hope that, "a," people can do, and, "b," people can change in what we're experiencing in the world today? >> okay, so that's a really good question, and the last thing i want to inculcate in people is a sense of hopelessness. because one of the things i got out of this was as big as the opioid crime is-- 500,000 people dead, millions of people addicted-- it pals in comparison to the larger problem, which is the unholy mixture of this turbo charged 21st century capitalism and healthcare. last time i read the hippocratic oath, it didn't have anything to do with supply and demand or market share. it had to do with protect the patient, do no harm. so i think all of us as citizens have got to insist now and admit that our healthcare system is broken and we've got to fix it. we've got to rebuild it in a way that it focuses on the health of

patients, rather than the profit motive of corporations who are servicing it. >> trevor: well, i will say this-- hopefully, i genuinely hope that as many people as possible watch this. and that could be the catalyst for change that so many people desperately need in this country. alex gibney, thank you again yr your time. thank you again for your work, i'll see you again on the show. >> thanks, trevor. >> trevor: alex gibney's two-part hbo documentary, "the crime of the century," debuts may 10 on hbo and hbo max. all right, when we come back, the brilliant singer-songwriter sara bareilles will be joining me on the show. you don't want to miss it.

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booking a trip can feel dramatic, but with free cancellation you can't go wrong with hotels.com. (hand hits desk) also, you're out of milk. my next guest is grammy-award winning singer-songwriter sara bareilles. she's here to talk about her upcoming live album and starring in the new peacock series about a girl group that reunites 20 years after their one-hit wonder. ♪ sitting near my piano ♪ write your truth down ♪ sitting at my friend's piano in my apartment ♪ ♪ actually, it's my brother's

apartment ♪ i still pay him rent >> trevor: sara bareilles, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> i'm so happy to be here. >> trevor: i am glad that you are here because you're one of the people who very early on had covid and everybody experienced different symptoms. i've heard some artists who have said that their vocal chords were never the same. are you completely fine now? >> i-- i somehow escaped relatively unscathinged. actually, i was so, so lucky. yeah, it was-- it was a very mild case really early on, last march. i had been in london, and i was doing a show i wrote called "waitress from the west end," and i think pretty much everyone in our cast got it. >> trevor: wow. >> and for me it was pretty mild. but, you know, i lost a friend to covid, nick cordero was one of our company members, and we lost him to covid. so it's extraordinarily serious. but, you know, it feels like we

can kind of see the finish line here a little bit maybe. >> trevor: yeah, definitely. it feels like we're now all optimistically seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, trying to come out of it, you know. you are here because you have a few new projects coming up, which is i feel like the perfect time for new life as we're stepping out into the world. you're somebody who has been successful in almost everything you've done, i mean, from "new york times" bested saler, winning a grammy, nominated for emmys and tonys. everything you touch turns to gold. this new show you have to peacock "girls5eva" seems like it will be no different, not just because of your talent but the talent of the cast, and it is executive produced by tina fey. tell me about this magical connection. >> this legitimately was, like, getting a message from heaven. it was the middle of the lockdown. i, like so many people, was struggling deeply emotionally with what was going on, you know, globally and certainly

within our country. >> trevor: right. >> the disaster of the past administration. and i was in the depths of destair, as so many found themselves. and i got a phone call from tina fey. and i felt like if that's the kind of lifeboat i get once in my life... so tina and meredith scardino, the creator of "girls5eva," called me and offered me the role of dawn who is a member of this 90's girl group who had their shoot fame, and it somehow miraculously comes around again where they get a second chance. and they're in their middle age and have moved on to families and responsibilities, and they're deciding to go for if it. and it was such a gift, so much fun. >> trevor: yeah, it isn't just fun to watch. i mean, the music is fantastic. the performances are amazing. the premise is really fun. oftentimes when i interview people, they're playing a

version of themselves in the successful sense. here, you are playing-- if i could say this-- you are playing a much-less successful version of yourself essentially. you know, you're playing in this world where things have not gone right. i'd love to know what that was like for you to play. >> well, you know, how-- it doesn't matter what it looks like from the outside. like, it might look like my life is really shiny, but we all are-- i'm just a self-loathing machine on the inside. >> trevor: oh, wow. >> ultimately-- ultimately, i feel like actually i relate a lot to this character. you know, she's kind of a miss, but she tries really hard. and she really loves her family. she's very loyal, but she makes mistakes and bad fashion decisions. i feel like, it's loosely based on my life. >> trevor: because it feels like you're doing it all. i know nobody's life is perfect, but it is fun to see somebody who is constantly challenging themselves, finding new avenues for what they want to do and how

to express themselveses. i know you worked in producing "little voice on apple plus for instance. one of the biggest things your fans would wonder is does this mean are you leaving music? >> no, no, 1,000% no. and i think, before i moved to new york, i found myself in this place where i just-- it wasn't that i was unhappy. i was just stagnated. and it felt like it was time to take some left turns and to take some risks. and i have found in my career that the more that i do that is a little bit outside of my comfort zone, the better time i have, the more i learn from everything. so we're all on this ride together. >> trevor: i feel like that makes the title of your new album so perfect. "amidst the chaosment. you're going to be hosting a concert at the hollywood bowl

for musicians, for performers like myself. we haven't been out, audiences haven't been out. that sense of normalcy has yet to fully come back. what are you hoping to do with the show and why did you decide you know what? now is the time for me to put a performance together? >> well, so we recorded this-- we recordedlet live album. we went-- toward the end of 2019 with all intentions of releasing this live record last year during 2020. and, of course, you know the lockdown happened, and it felt completely inappropriate to do anything self-promotional. but so here we are at the-- you know, on the cusp of things sort of coming back to life, and i wanted to pair the release of this record, this live record, that wa- recorded at the end of 2019, with a little bit of a return to the vault. and the biggest takeaway for me was that even these incredible

venues, cathedrals of music, they don't carry the same meaning without people. >> trevor: right, definitely. >> we took the stage and it was beautiful throob, and it was so special to play an excerpt of the concert. but at the end of the day, i was like, wow, i have never felt the absence of an audience more. so, you know, i turned it into one-- we're so close to getting back into real life in reality with each other, which is the thing i miss the most, and so many people, of course know-- artists, musicians, poets, technicians, crew, vendors-- everybody is waiting to go back to work. >> trevor: most definitely. sara thank you so much for taking the time today. congratulations on everything you've done. good luck with the show on peacock. good luck with the new album. and hopefully we'll see you on the other side of the pandemic in person. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: "amidst the chaos: live at the hollywood bowl" comes out may 21. and "girls5eva" is

streaming now on peacock. okay, we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. oh when june-- hit that guy! yes! wait i don't remember that! it's in season 4 - don't tell me you haven't seen it! i watched season 3. you won't stay caught up for long unless you keep watching the best shows from hulu, peacock, starz, showtime, and hbo max, all year long. just say "watchathon" into your voice remote to add a channel or streaming service and stay caught up.

tonight, but before we go: may is mental health awareness month, so please consider supporting an organization called the boris lawrence henson foundation. founded by taraji p. henson, they are a non-profit committed to eradicating the stigma of mental health issues specifically in the african american community. by supporting the boris lawrence henson foundation, you are helping to increase the number of african-american therapists, combat recidivism within the prison system, and provide mental health support in urban schools. if you are able, go to the link

below to donate what you can. until next time, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: the best gift you can give your mom for mothers' day is love. what? no it's not? oh, jewelry. sorry, it's jewelry. give her jewelry. now, here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> shhh! that's why all the economists even on wall street are pownting out. guess what, it's not going to affect their standard of living a little bit. boy, after his convention he really made inroads ( whispering ) he hasn't, not at all. i think you should be able to become a millionaire and billionaire. but pay your fair share. don't let up now. shhh! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [touch tones beeping] [line trills] [phones ringing]

[upbeat music] [children singing] come one, come all 'cause we're having a ball we're just making some calls to strangers we're back on the cell and the world's gone to hell but you're gonna feel swell when they pick up from new york to alabammer they'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer 'cause we're disturbing others maybe even your mother won't you join the crank yankers tonight? - "crank yankers." - oh, mero, will someone pick up the phone? - hey, what's going on here? [line trills] - hello, i'm [bleep]. - hey, how you doing? uh, my name's sal petruzulli. i work down at the, uh, [bleep] in new york city. uh, i just wanna give you a heads-up. listen, there's been a-- there's been a, uh-- there's a situation going on here in new york. i don't want it to spread over to new jersey.