tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central June 9, 2021 1:16am-2:00am PDT
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onforever! - yeah! - but i do have a special power. i know i do! - there's nothing special about you, dude. get over yourself. - god damn it, i'm special! [rumbling] - what the-- - agh! - greetings from the janax galaxy. we seek the great john edward! - why that's-- that's me! - sir, it is an honor to meet you. - well, thank you very much! - no, it can't be. - i am quagmar, and this is the intergalactic bdiu committee. mr. edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for biggest douche in the universe! - what? - you are the first nominee from the milky way galaxy! - congratulations! - oh, dude! - if you'll step into our blavlefreed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show! - no, wait, i'm not a douche!
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i make people feel good about themselves! i give people resolution! - now do you people believe me? - i don't know... how'd edward know my father died in march? - god damn it that was a long flight! i thought'd we never get out of stinky-ass smelly scotland! - oh, it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie! - well, come on, we better get kenny back to his parents. wait a minute-- who's got the pot roast? - i thought you got it! - it's still at baggage claim! - aw, damn it! come on, we gotta find him! kenny! - rob schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor who seemed to have it all... until one day he came across a pot roast. [record scratch] and his life changed forever! now, he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy! and he's about to find out that being eight...
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ain't so great. rob schneider is kenny! rated pg-13. - live from space station zaed in the valxen galaxy, it's the biggest douche in the universe awards! - this year's nominees are: - graglar the destructor, andromeda galaxy planet j-eleven. - dormanta unit five, jalax galaxy, planet heelm. - durrrrrrr! - john edward, milky way galaxy, planet earth. - i'm not a douche! - and finally, ursala, the giant douche from the horsehead nebula, station j-12. - and the winner for biggest douche in the universe is... it's john edward, milky way galaxy, planet earth! - aw, now come on now! - ♪ here he is ♪ ♪ the biggest douche of the universe ♪ ♪ in all the galaxies ♪ ♪ there's no bigger douche than you ♪
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♪ you've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom ♪ ♪ good going, douche ♪ ♪ your dreams have come true ♪ i'm trevor noah, and this is the daily social distancing show. today is tuesday, june 6th, and -- june 8th, and i know everybody's talking about this, so i'll talk about it, too. crocs has issued a new line with diplo. crocs are super fashionable now? i'm fine with that because when it comes to dressing, this past year has made us all a little bit laysier and crocs are as lazy as you can get. you don't have to wear socks
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with them or bend over to put them on, you can literally step in without breaking stride. if people want to be lazy, they should be lazy. i'll tell you why they should be lazy -- actually, too much work. forget it, enjoy your props. the apps are working for the police. smarlz rolls out the not welcome matt and bit coin, chris bosh is joining us on the show. let's do this, people, welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this "the daily social distancing show" with trevor noah. ♪♪♪ #. >> trevor: all right, people, let's kick things off with america's southern border the belt keeping north america's pants from falling down. a few months ago president biden put vice president kamala harris in charge of solving america's
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illegal immigration problem because he hates her, i guess. i mean, i don't know why else you would give someone that job. but kamala took it on and this week kicked off a tour of central american countries which is already causing backlash. >> on her first foreign trip as vice president, kamala harris issuing a direct warning to anyone considering making the illegal journey north. >> do not come. do not come. >> so while the vice president is focused on the long-term solution, she's getting a lot of criticism about the current situation at the border, one for not visiting the southern border on this trip -- >> i have been reading the itinerary of vice president kamala harris who hasn't gone to our side of the boarder in the united states where americans live. >> she's just gone two thousand miles away from the southern border to have a photo op with a world leader. >> when are you going to the border? they're calling it the everywhere but border tour. >> trevor: she'll go to the
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border eventually, there's just a big line there now. i feel bad for kamala because solving the border crisis is such a difficult job and everyone's going to be mad at you no matter what you do. but that's always what happens to vice presidents, right? they always get saddled with the impossible tazics -- fixing immigration, fighting the pandemic, pretending to be upset when the president isn't feeling well. still, it's strange to see the vice president going to another country just to tell them not to come visit. you know, it's like a jehovah's witness showing up at your door like, el ho! have you heard the good word? well unhear that shit because we're full! stay in your house. >> : to be honest. i don't think saying do not come is even going to stop people. i mean, if you tell people not to come, they just want to come more. what kamala should be doing is making america sound as unappealing as possible. come to america as soon as
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possible! but make sure you bring a water pump and some bear repellant because shit is getting real! moving on now to the coronavirus pandemic, the reason we're all terrified of losing a tiny slip of paper. ever since the virus first emerged from wuhan, china, scientists have been trying to figure out how it made the jump to humans. did humans encounter infected animals in the wild? did the virus get into the food chain somehow? did someone mix the flavors at the mcdonald's soda machine again? one possible or gin is getting renewed attention afternoon federal research facility concluded covid 19 could have originated from a chinese lab. that conclusion was made in may of last year. "the wall street journal" says that the liver moore lab in california says it's plausible the virus leaked from a lab in wuhan. the state had access when it conducted its investigation in the trump strzok.
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president biden ordered intelligence agencies to revisit the possibility. china denies the virus escaped from a lab. >> trevor: look, nobody knows where this virus came from, and maybe we never will. but if you ask me, of course it's possible that it accidentally escaped from a lab. i mean, i've read comic books, that's how it always happens. people aren't crazy for thinking this. you have a lab that does work on coronavirus in the same city where the coronavirus started spreading. they wouldn't even do this in an episode c.s.i., it would be too obvious. in the first commercial, david caruso would point to the lab and say, i think they're about to go viral! wow! bam, bam -- ♪ ♪ and you have to admit china wasn't cooperative when the w.h.o. tried to investigate. never a good look when a government acts like a parent whose kid gets too close to the sex toy drawer. nothing to see that, just mommy
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and daddy's rubber paper weights. find legos. get out of here. now i also know that the lab leak theory that is baggage tied up with con firsty theories that china released it on purpose and also it's been tied up in the fact there have been racist attacks against asians around the world. but the fact is a lot of scientists and even the w.h.o. are saying that it's at least worth exploring whether this virus actually leaked from a lab in wuhan. i agree. i mean, if we're going to get the or gin story from cru ella deville, we should get it for coronavirus, too. honestly, if i was china, i i wouldn't deny it. i would own that shit even if i have didn't do it. yeah, it was us and we've got a lot more of that covid 19, too, so how about we drop that terrorist now and we want the next season of mrs. maisel take place in china, better make it
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happen! and finally, news from the world of technology. if you're one of those paranoid people who thinks that all the apps are spying on you, well, you're right. >> truly incredible crime bust revealed overnight for three years criminals around the world thought they were using an impenetrable messaging app to plot crimes from drug trafficking to murder. turns out the encrypted app was a fake controlled and monitored by the f.b.i. and australia's federal police the entire time. the result hences of arrests and tens of millions of dollars in asset seizures. arrests in 18 countries with more to come. >> trevor: wow. this is incredible. the police have the technological skills to develop and distribute an entire covert messaging app and yet they still can't figure out how to turn on a body camera. but can you imagine finding out
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the messaging app you thought was totally secure actually belonged to the f.b.i.? i'm not even talking about crimes right now. i'm sure there are a bunch of criminals who use that app for messages that they just don't want the f.b.i. to tell anybody about. we've got all your texts about your drug deals and all the times you texted your girl all those heart eye emojis. i was being ironic! i don't think they needed to say they came up with the idea after a few beers. it's australia. we can just assume that that happens with everything they do. yeah, right, guys, i've had a few beers. now let's tackle that infected gallbladder ( burping ) that is why if you're a criminal you can't ever use incriminating language no matter how safe it seems. you speak in code. you tell your hit man something vague like i need you to take care of that thing for me.
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he'll sometimes misunderstand you and do your laundry instead of killing a guy but at leat you have clean underwear. this story makes me question everything i'm using on my phone. if they can do this, what else is being secretly controlled by the police? hey, siri, you're not an undercover cop, are you? >> of course not, trevor. now how about we go buy a couple of kilos of cocaine. >> why are you suggesting that? and, yeah, we'll do it after the show. but let's move on to our main story, and it's about bitcoin, the only thing more volatile than the president's dog. after reaching an all-time high a couple of months ago the world's most popular cryptocurrency has been cratering lately thanks to an endless onslaught of bad news. >> bitcoin and other crypt occurrenceys are under pressure amid concerns china may escalate it's crack down on the industry. >> it's all over the place.
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>> a rough day over the weekend, fell after webo suspended several suspended crypto pages. >> bitcoin giving up most of today's gains after u.s. treasury calls for a crackdown on crypto accounting. >> will require transfers of $10,000 or more reported to the i.r.s. and describes crypto as a significant detection problem when it comes to taxes. >> check out the cryptocurrency. >> sliding over a tweet from elon musk, tweeting #bitcoin with a burping heart emoji and a picture of a couple talking about a breakup. >> trevor: shame, man. i don't care if you're a person or a currency, nobody wants to get dumped in public by a tweet. only way to get dumped that's more embarrassing than that is if someone objections at your wedding and it actually works. >> oh, shit, is that brad? i didn't know brad was single. come up here, baby!
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get out of here. i didn't know he was around. come up here, baby! it's bad enough, but the real threat is increased crackdowns from china and the the i.r.s. turns out of they're not the only ones calling for more regulation. >> former president trump pour cold water on the bitcoin crowd dissing the corns request. >> the currency of this world should be the dollar and i don't think we should have all of the bit coins of the world out there. bitcoin just seems like a scam. i think they should regulate them very, very high. >> trevor: regulate them very, very high? never before has a person born and raised in america talked so much like a european guy who's trying to blend in. i think they should regulate them, how you say, very, very high, yes? now, to be honest with you, i would have thought trump would be a huge fan of bitcoin. it's a way both to hide dirty money and destroy the environment at the same time. what's not to like?
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but keep in mind just because trump calls it a scam doesn't mean that he's against it. just means he's probably working on his own version. like i say there's a 99% chance that by the end of the year he's going to introduce the trump coin. it might look like a chuck e. cheese token and you can only use it at chuck e. cheese, but that's called the black chain. lots of people have wanted to regulate bitcoin for a long time but what's made that so difficult is it's intracable. that's why it's the preferred payment method of drug lords, international hackers and people who subscribe to my only fans. it's where i wear my skin pierced hoodies. but now people who assumed that nobody could see what they were doing with bitcoin might be having some second thoughts. >> the justice department has managed to seize a big portion of the money that colonial pipeline paid to russian
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hackers. >> monday the justice department said it seized 67.3 bit coins, the equivalent of $2.3 million, more than half the ransom payment. cryptocurrency is favored by cyber criminals because it allows for payment regardless of location. but they did obtained the key. >> bitcoin was designed to be -- easily, it's untraceable. this is a first, as far as i know. >> the dodge recovered 85% of the bit coins paid in the ransom, but since then bitcoin has lost a considerable amount of value so what colonial pipeline got back is worth $2.3 million or $2 million less than what they originally paid. >> trevor: damn! the f.b.i. managed to track this ransom down and take it back! this is a huge blow for bitcoin's reputation. bitcoin without untraceability is like superman without powers.
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now he's just a creep with his underwear on the outside. falling from anywhere. and if you're a hacker what do you do? if bitcoin is not safe, maybe instead of using high-tech money they need to go the complete opposite direction, demand all their payments in sea shells, and not shows broken sea shells either, i want the big smooth ones where you can hear the ocean so i can always remember this magical day. so bitcoin is facing a lot of head winds right now from increased regulation to the f.b.i. tracking it around the internet like it's a black guy in a department store. and hopefully you didn't buy bitcoin at its peak in april because today it's down am 50%. but it doesn't seem like true believers of bitcoin are going anywhere anytime soon. >> this morning the surge in popularity of crypt occurrenceys on full display.
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bitcoin 2021 considered the largest crypto conference in history. >> it's exhilarating. it's fresh, new, so interesting to see people coming from all over the world. >> a sold-out event with some 12,000 ticket holders. >> the most exciting event. >> flocking to see headliners from jack dorsey to floyd mayweather. >> elon musk was in the crosshairs of the bitcoin faithful. ( chanting ) >> elon! >> (~bleep~) elon! >> trevor: which. okay. i don't know what's up with that guy but i do know you can't roll out bitcoin and snort anything with it, so we can rule that out. honestly, after seeing that, i'm back on board because bitcoin is incredibly volatile, unpredictable and the f.b.i. is tracking it, but, on the other hand, it does seem fun as hell.
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you get to go to huge conventions in miami with thousands of people and get to hang out with crypto willy wonka. you don't get that kind of energy from fans of the dollar or the euro and you definitely don't get it at the sea shell convention. all right, everybody, what we gonna do now is put our money up to our ear and listen to the sound of the ocean. aaahhh! aaahhh! my money has a crab in it! aaahhh! somebody help me! >> trevor: when we come back, the hilarious gina yashere is going to be joining me on the going to be joining me on the show and n.b.a.
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to unlock the world's greatest potential. we need empathy. because improving your world starts with improving someone else's. ♪♪ show." my first guest is the incredibly talented comedian gina yashere. she's here to talk about her new memoir and her groundbreaking sitcom for cbs. gina yashere, welcome to "the daily social distancing show"! >> why, thank you!
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good to see you, trevor! >> trevor: this is so much fun for me. one of the last times i saw you, you were a correspondent on the "the daily show" at the studio, and then now, you know, here we are, i mean, i'm wearing a hoodie, and seems like life has gone very badly for you and seems like life has gone really well for you because i'm talking to you about the author of a book, a fantastic memoir, and co-creator of a fantastic sitcom on cbs and you're one of my touring standup comediennes. so how are you? >> i feel amazing, i'm blessed i'm being able to make a tv show for the pandemic and i wrote a book in the pandemic because i'm a hard-corprocrastinator because i got the book deal before the tv show and i did nothing and then i did it. i feel good. i'm blessed, man. >> trevor: yeah, i feel like you're blessed but every time we get to explore a little bit of gina yashere i feel like we get
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blessed. for those of you who don't know you, you have here a british comedian of nigerian descent who is a member of the lgbtq community. you were proud of this when people were heckling you and your co-workers and life has not always been easy. the book feels like a balance of everything. we feel your challenges. we feel the obstacles you face. but man it is funny and it's like it's raw, you know. cack-handed. >> cack-handed is an old british word for left-handed. so i'm left-handed. as you know, an african-american middle eastern -- >> trevor: you're a witch. >> yes, the left hand is unclean, the hand used to wipe your bum when you go pooh, and cack is another word for pooh, so you're basically saying
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shit-handed. ( laughter ) the book income passes the fact that cack-handed is another word for awkward. >> trevor: right. >> my career, you know, the unconventional part that my life and career has taken has been kind of awkward and clumsy, duck this, move this, traverse this, the part which income passes the struggles and the journeys i've had trying to make it. >> trevor: you know what's fascinating about that is ewe always feel like we know people, but just reading the book, there are some things i was, like, wait, gina, this happened to you? i didn't know you attempted suicide as a teenager. i felt like i didn't hug you enough when i saw you. i'd love to know. talk me through that journey as a person and if all gina -- old gina could talk to teenage gina, what would she tell her? >> i would just say you're feeling the pressure and you feel like the world is on top of you and you're never going to
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get out of there but trust me, it gets better, be yoursel -- yf and people will love you. i was a teenager and the world was on top of me, the academic pressure, you know how it is coming from an african family, an immigrant family. they say, i didn't come to this country for you to play games and be foolish you need to do well? you're >> trevor: i almost feel like coming out as a comedienne might have been as dangerous as coming out as gay to your family. i don't know which one was more challenging to you as an african african family. >> they were just as bad. i thought, i'll throw it all in at the same time, just get it done and rip off that band aide. yeah, mom, i'm going to be a comedienne and i'm gay and i'm
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also vegan right now. >> trevor: wow! >> what is happening? what has this country done to m! and you don't eat meat. it just blew her mind. i just thought, let's get it done. it was difficult, but the love ofo mother for her child. i mean, i was prepared to be disowned. i thought, my mother is super nigerian and super christian and i was prepared for this might be the end of our relationship. but, you know, she wasn't happy, it took her a while to come around to it, but she loves me and i'm her daughter and we -- she even loves my girlfriend but my girlfriend plays smart. she did the nigerian bow thing when she met me mom and my mom was, like, i like this white woman, she's okay! ( laughter ) >> trevor: i feel like a lot of that humor is the reason your sitcom is so fantastic. for those who don't know, you
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have a show on cbs, bob hearts abishola created with the legend of sitcom chuck lori. i don't think i've seen a show about nigerians in america and you seldom see shows where africans are not the butt of the joke. there are comedy and there are funny things happening to the africans but they are not the butt of the joke. it got renewed for season three, right? >> yep! i'm trying to catch up with you! >> trevor: how did you convince people that people will relate to this story even though it involves nigerians? how did you do that? >> i was pitching shows for years, trevor, trying to get my family on tv and getting doors smut in my face. i pitched to everybody. nobody was interested. this came out of the blue. my agent was saying, chuck wants to meet you. i flew to los angeles and i came
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back and i said, i want to make a show but i want the female protagonist to be nigerian. >> trevor: wow! >> nigeria keeps popping up because you are the loudest people. chuck, i have been trying to pitch this idea for years, nothing happened. but chuck, the universe works. >> trevor: that is amazing. >> nobody can see it but chuck has this idea and obviously when chuck has an idea, obviously, everybody is like, this is wonderful! let's do it! so it was his idea. i said, where did you find me? how did you know to find me? did you see me on "the daily show" or my specials? they said we typed nigerian female comedienne and -- ( applause ) >> they picked me. they were able to fly me across the country first class for a
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meeting. thank god for google. >> trevor: and for you. as someone who's seen your journey, there's not a community who has said gina has not shaped me in some way shape and form. to see you crushic it on tv and standup, and to have this book that i hope everyone reads, it's so heart felt and beautiful. everybody's going to love it, gina yashere, thanks for joining me. >> good to see you, mate! >> good to see you soon. gina's memoir "cack-handed" is available now. available now. when we come back, chris bosh is this june 21st and 22nd is amazon prime day. two days of epic deals that could change your kitchen. your yard. your game. even the way you celebrate. so if you have plans on prime day, change 'em.
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from the makers of all other lay's flavors... a chip so cheesy... so jalapeño-y, it could only be called... lay's cheddar jalapeño. available in a chip aisle near you. gotta have lay's. social distancing show." my next guest tonight is nba hall of famer, chris bosh. he's here to talk about his legendary career, his new book, and who he thinks will win the nba championship this year. chris bosh, welcome to "the
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daily social distancing show." this is amazing for me because, you know, i didn't grow up watching basketball but then obviously basketball became a big part of my life as the game expanded around the globe and inevitably if you love the game, at some point, chris bosh is going to be somebody you're watching, you know, with the big three at the miami heat, you are part of history in basketball and today we're here to talk about you writing about that history. it's a book that i think in some parts is self, a memoir. in other parts to have the book, it feels like an inspirational self-help book. then on the other side, it feels like a behind the scenes of everything basketball. tell me what you decided as chris bosh, i'm going to write this book and bear my all? >> well, it's two different things, right? from the moment i was born and from the moment i could understand what it was, all i wanted to do was play basketball. it gave me friends, mentors, fun, you know, all the highs and lows. that's how i did everything.
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that's how i identified myself as the person. and as i continue to go, i started to understand that there was so many valuable lessons that i learned on my way to the top, and getting to the top and losing it so quickly, there were more lessons after that, and at the end of the day, we all have that inner voice inside of us, right, that are telling us that we can do things or we can't do things. >> trevor: right. >> i just wanted to let people know, right, that it's normal. i wanted to let people know my experience most importantly and, look, i come from a reality to where i was shooting basketball in a trash can. that's how i shot hoops on a saturday, for an extended amount of time. >> trevor: right. >> youyou know, so to go from tt dream and just thinking it and believing every day and having those people give me advice, giving me help, giving me a hot meal, just understanding that
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helping a young child realize their dream just in the short moment, you know, you would be amazed what it could do. so i wanted to tie all of those things in and, at the same time, give people, you know, like you were saying, behind the scenes, those things are interesting because it is kind of behind the scenes because we were living these things out in real time. >> trevor: right. >> we're trying to figure it out on the fly as we're trying to compete. >> trevor: what i loved about this book is it almost speaks to the current moment through the lens of basketball because for those who don't know chris bosh was at the top of his game. n.b.a. champion. you were dominating with one of the most fearsome big three we've ever seen in our lives and like that, your doctor said, hey, chris, you cannot play this game anymore because you may lose your life. tell us a little bit about what it was like to hear that, how hard it was for you to believe and understand that and go through the stages of grief, and then what you learned post that.
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>> it was very difficult. like i told you before, basketball was everything to me, so to hear the fact that i can't play anymore at a time when i'm trying to redefine myself as one of the top players in the world, it just couldn't be. at that time, it just couldn't be. but one thing i learned through basketball is that you have to keep going, regardless of the circumstances. we can't control what happens to us, right. those are things that are out of our control, but what i can control is what my reaction is going to be to that the environment. >> trevor: definitely. >> how i'm going to get up the next day and say, i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know what's going to happen, but i know it's going to be okay because now i'm going to put the shift to something else, and that is difficult, right? i think we're all in a mode where we have to find that next thing. me writing this book was actually me eating my own words
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and my coach's words again and trying to find out what i'm going to do after basketball. and that's always not an easy journey. so i want to -- again, i wanted to bring those lessons, those stories because, as you read this book, consider it your inner voice because this is me talking to you because i am trying to figure this thing out. this is a guy freshly retired and not knowing what he's doing in this book, you know. so i want people to understand that. i was trying to figure it out just like everybody else, and i still am. >> trevor: we talk about mental health in the world. but a lot of the time, i feel like we don't think if athletes have any type of mental health issues or have to deal with anything or even have the right to, we go, yo, man, dunk the ball, throw the ball, catch the ball, do the thing with the ball, that's all we're looking for. recently, we have been forced to have more of the conversations. as chris bosh, you seem like you've transitioned well and found a peace and a zen and i'd
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love to know how you've done that because i know you've had challenges, so i'd love to know what you've worked on that helped you as chris crs to not lose, i guess, your joyful life as a whole. >> i think one of the things we all put pressure -- you know, society puts pressure on us and we put pressure on ourselves is to know what's coming next, right. that's not necessarily the point b, right. we're all human and we all go through human transitions and going through grief is definitely one of those stages. but, you know, for me, what helped me is to realize where i am and, granted, that's not to say i didn't go through struggles, i went through tremendous struggles. i went through pretty much a mid-life crisis when i'm not midway through my life. i had to really hunker down and figure out what do i love. >> trevor: right. >> and then i went from there. and one thing i do love is my kids, jackson, trinity, dilan, phoenix, lynx, love you guys. i had to make sure that i am a
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father to them and make sure that i'm taking them to school, make sure that i'm paying attention to their wants, their thoughts, their feelings, and really i just go from there, so the best part about it was i realized through this self-discovery, and really i had to learn about myself, because i don't know anything, i've only played basketball. i learned i love bringing. >> trevor: that's beautiful, man. >> once i saw that, i fed the beast till a book came out, you know, and it was a long way, it was a three and a half year process but at the end of the day, i'm happy to be here and share my story. >> trevor: that's beautiful, man. i love that. it's finding a new passion, arelining your passion and aiming it in a different place, i rale like that. i assume you still love basketball. you watch the game, right. >> of course, every day. >> trevor: is there anybody you put your money on, where you look at the field and say, you know what, i think they have the
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best shot. >> it's wide open. that's the best part of this year. if i were to root for someone, i'm going to root for chris paul and the the phoenix suns. my guy champ at the helm at the g.m., i would want them, i want to see them win. phoenix, they have been clamoring for a championship for a long time, so to see them have an extended playoff run and maybe even get one, you know, if i were to vote, that's who i would vote for. >> trevor: your vote goes a long way. i will say, man, this has been a wonderful experience for me, not only because i admire you so much as a player but because i love the positivity and the message you've put out into the world post your n.b.a. career. i think you're still a superstar. i think you will always be a superstar. chris bosh, thanks for joining me on the show. >> thanks for having me. i appreciate you. >> trevor: "letters to a young athlete" is available right now. let's take a quick break.
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