you know what, forget it. i know me. when i saw him, i would never be able to apologize to him. too fat. big fat fatty. neighbors! i've got some great news! it turns out, i can tape the show from a studio again! yeah, which means i won't be taping from the apartment and, unfortunately, we won't be as close, but i just want you guys to know that i'm going to miss you! >> how about you miss shutting the (~bleep~) up? >> trevor: oh... >> we love you, too, asshole! >> coming from the heart of times square, the most important place on earth, it's "the daily show." coming up, biden lays down the law. covid's next move. and dr. anthony fauci. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ♪♪

>> trevor: whey, what's going on, everybody? i'm trevor noah, and this is the daily show. i know it looks different than when we left, because we have a brand new studio here in times square. see, i would have kept doing the show from my apartment, but then i started to have problems with the wi-fi, and i decided that building an entirely new studio was easier than calling spectrum. so here we are. it's a little different. people are wearing masks, staying safe, it's not socially distanced. it's distant, it's sort of the daily sort of distapsing show. trademark that. anyway, today is monday, september 13th, and saturday was september 11th: the 20th anniversary of the 2001 attack on the united states. and i know it was a somber occasion, but personally i found it uplifting as well. it's inspiring to remember how things can be when people all

come together with a single purpose. to help each other. and also, it's just interesting to look back 20 years and see how much things have changed. for example, 20 years ago, rudy giuliani was america's mayor, projecting calm and sobriety when the country needed it most. but at saturday's commemoration, giuliani was... not that. >> rudy: "i don't want to sound like a name-dropper, but i told this to the queen of england. she said, you did a wonderful job on september 11th, and, therefore, i'm making you an honorary knight commander of the royal something or other. i turned down a knighthood because, if you took a knighthood, you had to lose your citizenship. i know prince andrew is very questionable now. i never went out with him. ever! never, ever had a drink with him. never was with a woman or young

girl with him. ever, ever, ever. one time i met him in my office, and one time when we had the party, right, bernie? you were there. you weren't there. oh, shit." ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man. only rudy can spend a 9/11 anniversary talking about the time he hung out with jeffrey epstein's alleged pedophile friend. you know the speech went off the rails when people watching were, like, i wish this guy would talk more about 9/11. what's he doing? rudy giuliani can't even get his story straight while he's telling it. i never once met prince andrew. ever! i mean, one time we hung out in my office and had that party that one time. bernie remembers that, don't you, bernie? i don't know who bernie is, but i bet he and his wife had aer have long car ride home. turns out rudy wasn't the only

politician observing the day. president biden went to the world trade center with former presidents barack obama and bill clinton and george w. bush, who gave a real beautiful and inspiring speech about unity and democracy. i mean, don't get me wrong, he skipped the pages about opening torture chambers and invading countries that had nothing to do with 9/11, but beside that, a beautiful speech. while that's the traditional way for former presidents to commemorate 9/11, there's one president who's never been about the traditional. >> during a visit with firefighters to commemorate the 20th anniversary about 9/11, former donald trump repeated the false claim that he won the 2020 election. >> we won the election. we're fighting like hell and we'll keep fighting. >> trump left florida where he provided a commentary for a pay per view boxings match.

>> you never know who wins till it's official. >> it's like elections. it could be rigged. i've seen some of them, too. >> trevor: yeah. donald trump spent 9/11 doing live commentary for a boxing match. how is this his life? like, how is he doing -- you know, sometimes i think donald trump is just a make-a-wish who never died... i want to be on tv! anything you want, big guy. now i want to be president of the united states. i mean, sure, i guess. now i want to be a boxing commentator! shouldn't you be dead by now? how old is this kid? where did he get him from? look, i'm not judging trump, i'm happy anytime an unemployed person finds work. i would definitely rather have him at a boxing match instead of hosting a memorial ceremony. and here comes the 9/11 widows crying some of the biggest tears, the wettest tears you've ever seen. aren't these ladies so

beautiful? honestly, i feel like this says more about the state of boxing than it does about trump. i mean, have you seen boxing these days? every fight is just a massive gimmick now. trump is commentating, logan paul is fighting a polar bear on roller skates. whatever happened to two men just getting in the ring and trying to beat each other to death for money, huh? shame. all right. and finally, some environmental news. these days, everyone is trying to consume less and recycle more. and now taco bell, america's third largest fort hood change and pizza hut stoner roommate is doing its part. >> possible wants you to send them its trash. they plan to launch a nationwide pilot program for customers to send back used hot sauce packets in the mail so they can be recycled and not end up in a land phil. taco bell says it's using the mail because people aren't

physically eating at a restaurant. >> trevor: first off, it's a little ominous how taco bell is, like, please, people, we do not want this sauce to end up in a landfall. like, why? what's going to happen? are we going to end up with mute seagulls? is that where corona came from? this idea has all sorts of problems with it. for one thing, people who eat at taco bell don't care about the environment. they don't even care about their own bodies. polar bears are concerned about them. not to mention the environmental impact. think about it, shipping empty sauce packets across the continent? i feel it's mustless wasteful for them to stay in the kitchen drawers between dead batteries and a bottle of crazy glue you used once before the cap got stuck. doing pretty good there. this is a weird idea. what did you expect? weird ideas is taco bell's whole

thing. it's a place who will wrap a hard shell inside a soft shell and inside a dorito ship. which is delicious but do you think their idea to save the environment is going to make sense? i'm glad they're trying to help. maybe they could start by not handing out a million sauces% with each other. i order a taco and get enough sauce to waterboard it. taco bell, you should just have somebody hold ged the sauce at the drive-through to squirt it on people's food. my aunt used to do that whenever we would have a cookout. she didn't want us wasting keechup. she would be, like, hold out your hot dog -- that's enough, move! enough, move! enough, move! >> moving on to the top story. for months the u.s. government has been doing everything they could to get people to get vaccinated. they made it free, that didn't work. they tried to pay people to get

it. then they threatened to put mike richards back as "jeopardy" host. that still didn't get it done. only 60% of people 12 and older are vaccinated and seems like president biden is done waiting. >> frustrated by the pains of covid 19 vaccines in this country, president biden is trading the velvet glove with a palmer, unveiling a strategy heavily grounded in vaccine mandates meant to compel millions of workers to be vaccinated. >> president biden announced sweeping coronavirus vaccine mandates requiring all federal government workers and contractors to be fully vaccinated and ordering all businesses with more than 100 employees to require shots or weekly testing for their workers. companies that failed to comply could face fines of $14,000 per

violation. >> my message to unvaccinated americans is this -- what more is there to wait for? what more do you need to see? we have been patient but our patience is wearing thin. and the refusal has cost all of us. >> trevor: damn! this guy's not playing games. giving a vaccine is a man date. you say what you want about biden, he's not messing around. this is what america needs. the new law says every president needs to be 90 years old and knocking on death's door. makinger promises like they're crossing off a bucket list. it's smart to do this through people's employers. it's not the government coming for you, it's your employer because americans are used to the employer having a ton of control over their lives. they can tell you what to wear, what time you've got to be

there, when you can leave. they can put up a sign on a bathroom door that says do not use, then you've just to not poop. that's power. still, a lot of people are wondering if biden is even allowed to do this. and according to the biden administration, the answer is yes. >> the white house believes its on solid legal footing insisting the federal government has the power to protect workers from grave danger under the occupational safety and health act of 1970. >> we have never used osha, we've never used the power to have the federal government to mandate vaccines for this many people before. that doesn't mean that it's legally weak, it just means we've never seen osha, for instance, that was established 50 years ago impose vaccine mandates to this extent. it's new, but that doesn't mean its illegal. >> trevor: that's right. biden is issuing this mandate thanks to a law from 1970 that

has never been used for something like this before. a lot of experts agree with him on this, but i just love how there are so many laws out there that you can find one for basically anything you want to do, you know. i feel like america's laws are like a mom's handbag. whatever you could possibly need it's somehow in there. you know, you can have sex on the beds at a mattress store and if anyone objects you can be like clearly you've never heard of the tact hartley act. many republicans think biden basically just took a dump on the constitution. and according to them, they're not going to stand there and smell it. >> the republican national committee is threatening to sue the administration with at least 19 g.o.p. governors vowing to defy the rules. >> what the biden administration is doing is government overreach, pure and simple. >> this president is saying to them, look, you can either get

vaccinated or i as one individual is going to threaten your ability to feed your family, and that's just wrong. >> you should not lose your job just because joe biden is having this hissy fit. >> the governor of sk sk saying he will -- south carolina saying he will fight them to the gates of hell. >> trevor: wow... fight them to the gates of hell. normally that statement is her person lee but with covid you might actually get the chance. covid doesn't mess around. so these republican governors say that they're going to sue because to have the mandate and, who knows, they might even win because you've seen the supreme court now. you know, republicans run-up that shit. these days republicans saying i'll take you to court basically is the same as them saying let's see what my dad has to say about this! huh? what do you say dad gorsuch? what do you say? what's interesting about the mandate is part of the reason biden wants it is to help the economy, you know, he wants

people to get vaccinated so they can go back and work. so you think the republicans would agree with this. they're the ones saying people have to go back to work, so we've got to gelt rid of the unemployment benefits! biden says, yeah! also, they have to get the vaccines. what? no, no, no! no, we only want to do it in a way that screws poor people! now, look, if these republican governors had their way, instead of the mandate the foft would just keep trying to educate and get people to take the vaccine on their own. what makes that difficult and what everyone has to acknowledge is there's one reason to get a vaccine, there's only one reason to get the vaccine and that's to not get covid and got to the hospital. but people who don't want the vaccine, they have, like, 5,000 reasons that they don't want to take it. you know? some people say there's not enough research on it yet. some people are hesitant because they're worried about the side effects. some people are hesitant because they think they're healthy enough to mandel it on their own. some people think there's a

microchip where people can track you. the vaccine is tracking you? the vaccine is tracking us! like the iphone in your pocket? yeah, just like the iphone! crazy! i know, crazy, right? wait, what? that's why the mandate might be the only way to get the vaccination numbers up. but that doesn't mean people are going to go along easily. any mandate, no matter how much it seems like common sense to people, is going to make other people really mad. and it's not just the vaccine. this has happened before, you realize that, right. >> trevor: there was a time in america when a lot of people refused to wear seat belts. when the government finally stepped in and said, you have to wear a seat belt, boy did they get pissed off. >> it is a new seat belt ordinance. if the town council gets its way, seat belts will be mandatory for everybody writing in a car.

>> i will have to detour to get through cal kalamazoo. >> if i don't wear my seat belt, i'll get aught, i get aught, i guess. >> the trooper hears it all when it comes to seat belts. >> i hear it's uncomfortable, it wrinkles my clothes, it's not cool. >> there's no freedom no more. you don't want to wear it, that's your choice. >> trevor: hmm... sound familiar? yeah? all the complaints about seat belts back then are the same things you hear now about vaccines. i mean, except for the wrinkles clothes. that's a very rare side effect of the vaccines. look, the backlash to these vaccine mandates are really nothing unique. mandates by their nature build resistance, and if biden is going to be doing that, i hope he's ready for what's doing to happen because mandates turn i

don't knows into (~bleep~) yous. even if you think mandates are necessary, all i'm saying is buckle up. when we come back, roy wood, jr. is going to tell me what covid has taught him about life. and the one and only dr. anthony fauci is joining me on the show. so don't go away.

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reason, or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything. >> trevor: welcome back to the daily sort of distancing show. last week the united states surpassed 40 million total cases to have coronavirus -- of the coronavirus which means america has almost as many covid cases as streaming networks. for the last several months, most of those cases have been caused by the highly infectious delta variant. but just like travis barker replaced scott disick, a hot new variant is taking over. >> as the delta variant is sweeping through america's unvaccinated communities, the w.h.o. is warning of another variant of interest. >> the mu warrant first

identified in column -- colombia back in january has been detected in every u.s. state except nebraska. >> while officials say it is not an immediate threat, the variant's "constellation of mutations" suggest it could invade vaccinated. >> trevor: mu? mu? no. people, i'm sorry, this pandemic has already been so hard, i'm not also going to start learning greek, or cow. is it moo or mu? mu? mu. now, while all the new variants have gotten everyone frazzled, i talked to roy wood, jr. and turns out variants are a lot more common than we think. check it out. my man roy! >> what's up, man? >> trevor: what's going on, my dude? i didn't think you would come when i said come to the studio and chat with me. i appreciate you coming. >> i thought about it. >> trevor: you came. i appreciate it. >> i don't do that.

no disrespect to you, man. i can't have your hands touching me. i don't know what kind of variants you've got. you ain't seen me in a while. when i talk to people now i hit them with the queen elizabeth. >> trevor: you don't touch. that's ridiculous. i'm going to tell you now that's ridiculous because i washed my hands, vaccinated, vaccinated. dap me if you want to dap me. >> i'm sorry, the variants have me freaked out. you've got to get tested and then boosters. we were done with masks for a while, now have to put them on. it's giving my goatee a complex. i grew it out so people can see it now i have to cover it. it thinks i'm ashamed. >> trevor: same with the dimples. i have to cover the dimples again. dimples have to breathe. do you know what gets inside the dimples if you don't thet them breathe? >> what's the point if you can't show them awe you have.

>> trevor: same thing with a goaty. you have face hair, people need to know that. >> my boy, my boy. >> trevor: this whole thing has been a learning experience. it's been a revelation. i didn't know viruses could mutate so fast. variants, more variants. >> tell you you something, before corona, i didn't know a damn thing about viruses. i thought people got chickenpox because they didn't use protection on a farm. let's be real. then i started watching fauci for a year. now i'm an expert on this shit. i will be watching them covid numbers like the stock market every morning. calling up the friends, this individual exceeded the cookout. cancel it. >> trevor: so you were having a cookout. you told me about covid. >> i'll let you know. that wasn't the one -- >> trevor: wow. >> just stay focused on covid. >> trevor: wow. >> here's the thing i learned about the variants, man. the more i learned about the covid variants, what i've

realized is that variants are everywhere. this covid thing ain't isolated. if you stamp out a problem quick it ain't going to mutate. if you let a problem linger, it will always mutate into weirder shit. donald trump, case in point. what we did with trump, we let him run around for years. >> trevor: i don't know if we did. >> he did. >> trevor: okay. >> after trump you have variant. marjorie taylor green. you have matt gaetz in our face. and he looks like a damn fool likes like one of them people in mind craft, only you can't let your kids play with him. >> trevor: i think i see what you're saying, the longer you let something bad fester the wilder it's going to get. >> yes. >> trevor: like climate change, right? in climate change they said you need to cut down on the fossil fuels and society says no, we don't want to. >> trevor: what's the variant. >> it went from hotter summers and now we have fire tornadoes. >> trevor: it's a variant. fire tornadoes. at least with a regular tornado you get to enjoy the view while

you're getting whipped around through the sky. climate change is one of the best parts of being in a damn tornado. >> trevor: i'm not from a place of tornadoes. >> i'm from alabama, i'm the tornado expert. >> trevor: you know which variant we really needed to stop before it got out of hand? >> kanye. >> trevor: kanye. it was going well, we dpintd -- >> should have said something when he started saying slavery was a choice and rapping about poopetti scoop. we didn't stop him. he started living in the payment of a stadium and dropping albums two hours long. nobody wants to listen to a damn two-hour album. if your album is more than two hours, it's not an album it's a mother (~bleep~) book. it's a book. i don't want to listen to your book. >> trevor: i mean, i'm not going to lie, when you put it that way, when you put it that way, variants are everywhere, then. it's not just the virus.

it's politicians, politics, people. if you let a thing get out of hand, then that's it. so the question is what do we do? >> simple. every problem has a vaccine, you've just got to take it. for maga politicians, the vaccine is voting. for climate change, it's renewable energy. for donda -- shit, i don't know, i guess it's just somebody ripping my ears off or some shit. >> trevor: no, it's not that bad. >> i don't want to hear no more -- >> trevor: it's not that bad. >> i put noise canceling earphones on top of my beads. that's how terrible that album was. >> trevor: five tracks are mazing. >> out of 70. >> trevor: five tracks are amazing. >> it's a (~bleep~) podcast. that man tricked y'all into listening to a podcast. >> trevor: it's not a great album, but there are good songs. you've just got to find the

songs in the album. >> if you took a piece of shit i bet you could find some corn if you looked through it long enough. does it make that shit good? >> trevor: kanye is not shit. >> i didn't say there was no corn, i just said this was a turd. >> trevor: when we come back, i'll be talking to the corona fighter in chief, dr. anthony fauci. you don't want to miss it. want your clothes to smell freshly washed

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is america's top infectious disease expert dr. anthony fauci. he's going to give us the latest on covid, the vaccine and all of the vaccine mandates. consider fauci, it is an absolute honor to have you not just back on the show but back in my new little space. so first things first. congrats on still being the chief medical advisor to the president, depending on what media i'm consuming, you are either hailed as a hero or people are call for you to be fired. my question to you is do you always have to have your -- linkedin profile ready and loaded because you don't know what it's going to be like for you? >> not really at all, trevor. >> trevor: so you're stable now. >> yeah, i'm in pretty good

shape. you're right, there are a lot of slings and arrows that come with this job, but that's to be expected. it's a very continue versal issue and very charged in many respects, particularly with regards to some of the things we'll be talking about. mandates and vaccines and masks and all the other things that get people were exercised. >> trevor: let's talk about that. let's jump straight in. you have been working in the field of infectious diseases for, i mean, a lifetime. you have seen pandemics and epidemics come and go, but this feels unique. it feels unique in that people are fighting not just against the virus but also against what many people are touting as a solution, aka the vaccine. do you feel that your team could be doing a better job in convincing people to get the vaccine or do you think we've gotten to a point where now politics has taken over the conversation? >> well, we always can do better and what we're trying to do, trevor, is to get, for example, trusted messengers from the

community to try and convince those people who have been recalcitrant about getting vaccinated. people who don't want to get vaccinated are not a homogeneous group. they have different reasons they don't want to get vaccinated. some just need more information. some of them have understandable suspicions about how quickly things were done, and some just need a little coaxing, but there are some, and i believe it's a substantial proportion of the remainder, there are about 75 million people who are eligible to be vaccinated who have not gotten vaccinated. many of them are really almost for ideological reasons because it's no accident when you look at the undervaccinated states and those places where you're having surges of virus more so than in any other part of the country, it's very heavily weighted towards red states as opposed to blue states, and that really shouldn't be, trevor, it should not be. this is a public health issue,

and, as you said very appropriately a moment ago, the common enemy is the virus. there shouldn't be the divisiveness that e.r. with seeing -- that we're seeing. we're trying to convince people but you're reaching a certain point that you almost hit a wall that you're not going to get to a certain group of people. that's where mandates come in. no one likes to mandate people to do things they may not want to do, but sometimes for the greater good of society, you have to do that. you know, same thing like seat belts and things like that. you have to do it. >> trevor: but when you look at mandates in a world where so many people are unsure of the vaccines, in a world where people are still reading about side effect, you know, people who may or may not have died. you know, a study just came out about adolescents, especially with teen boys, having a greater likelihood of getting a side effect than getting any of the

bad symptoms from covid. isn't it difficult to convince people in that world because it feels the government is forcing them to do something before everybody knows about the vaccine? or do you feel that if we don't act now then we're facing down the barrel of an even worse gun? >> i think the latter, but with regard to what you mentioned a moment ago, one of the problems, trevor, is that there's a lot of misinformation and disinformation out there. the thing we need to do is to get as much correct information out there. for example, many of the points that you brought up are countered by the mere fact. for example, if you do a risk-benefit ratio of the benefit of getting vaccinated particularly among younger people who might have a greater likelihood of getting this unusual and rare adverse event of myocartidis which is an inflammation of the heart, almost invariably resolves

without any real negative consequences, that when you do that risk-benefit ratio and it's done in a very serious way by statisticians, that the benefit of getting the vaccine far outweighs the risk. that's just a fact. and then when you think about the other misperceptions that are due to misinformation and disinformation, you just have to be patient and do your very best to counter the misinformation. and i believe, when we do that, you will gradually see people -- for example, one of the things that was sort of a stumbling block was that the pfizer vaccine did not get yet full stamp of approval, what we call the bla for biological license application. as a matter of fact, it now does have the stamp of approval. so many people who were saying i don't believe all you're saying, i want the stamp of approval to have the f.d.a., now we're seeing some people who were not

amenable to getting vaccinated are now getting vaccinated. but we're getting to your latter point, we've really reached the point now where, although we're still vaccinating people at a reasonable rate, we don't want to go into the fall, the children going back to school, the getting into the holiday season when you have such a substantial proportion of the population, i.e. 75 million of the eligible people who are not getting vaccinated. that's just asking for trouble. >> trevor: before i let you go, one of the things i learned last time i spoke to you is that people sometimes don't really get the science. i know i'm one of them. i'm not a scientist. i get the basics and that's about it. however, i do understand people's actions. i asked you what to do with the amazon packages and in public, et cetera. i wanto to ask if you would play a game called would you rather.

it's simple questions so i can understand what dr. fauci would have to do. are you game? >> i'm game. >> trevor: i'm not going to get you fired, dr. fauci. it's just a question, it's just a thing. okay. would you rather attend an outdoor concert in west virginia, like, right now, or an indoor concert in vermont? >> that's a good question. i think outdoors is always better than indoors. i'm fully vaccinated. i probably would wear a mask. but outdoors is that much better than indoors. >> trevor: even in a place where the numbers are spiking. >> yeah. you know, again -- >> trevor: i know, i'm putting you in a tough spot. don't get me wrong. i know what i'm doing. that's the whole point to have the game. i know what i'm doing. >> -- a sound byte. >> trevor: no, i would fight the people who sound byte the show, dr. fauci. we're having a conversation here. but the outdoor is the important thing. >> yes. >> trevor: would you rather

watch a movie shang chi in a movie theater or an airplane? >> it's very interesting. airplanes are doing what they can to provide protection with hepafilters and having people wear masks. i'm not sure what movie theaters are doing. if they're provide good ventilation, it could be an even match, until i know what the movie theaters are doing, i know what the airline is doing, so i would probably be on an airline. >> trevor: would you rather fight one horse-sized duck that have covid or 100 duck-sized horses that have covid? ( laughter ) >> i'd go for the one-on-one as opposed to the many. >> trevor: i see. is this because of the risk of spreading amongst the many and you can handle the one? >> exactly. >> trevor: okay. all right, well, i know you're a busy man. i'm always dpraiflt to you for taking the time. i'm grateful to you for being

calm. i know you are one to have the most hated and loved people on the planet and you get sucked into the politics when you just want to talk about the medicine. thank you for joining me on the show. hopefully when we see you back there will be 1,000 people, there will be no pandemic and we will be talking about how this thing was won. thank you for your time. >> thank you. i appreciate you having me. >> trevor: we'll take a quick break and be

>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. until tomorrow, stay safe out there. get your vaccine and remember, mail your unfinished sauce packets back to taco bell, and mail your gore gordita to me bee i'm hungry. your moment of zen. >> north korean dictator kim jong un has reemerged on the world stage with a whole new look. ♪♪ a thinner, tanned kim.

he ditched that trademark black mao suit for a more modern tan thing with a tie. >> looking remarkably slipper than a few months ago. >> she was looking svelte, trim. >> he did show off a new haircut representative of his grandfather's haircut. >> fit, fine and fascist. many may call him slim jong-un. >> hi. >> good morning. can i help you? >> yes, i'm from techstar about a new phone system for you. i was wondering if i could talk to michael scott. >> i'm sorry. he's not in right now. >> really? he's never around when i come by. >> shoot. they have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. basically, 95% of my job. but i'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.

vending machine. >> how about i make an appointment to come back? that way i know he'll be here. >> that is a great idea. >> great. >> um... oh, boy. let's see, he's really... >> michael scott, manager. hi, how are you? >> oh, hi. >> there he is. >> nice to meet you. >> great. >> yeah. >> hey, look at that. >> whoo! i can assure you we don't need a new system, though. happy with ours. >> hello, may i help you? >> jimbo. >> jim? >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! all: hey! >> okay. i'm, uh, i'm gonna be going. >> hey! all: hey! >> [laughing] what was that? >> that was funny. >> that was funny.

let's go do it to somebody else. >> hey! [cheerful music] ♪ ♪ >> oh, look at that. >> ohh. >> cupids and hearts. really shoving our faces in it this year. you doing okay, bud? >> i miss stacy. >> yeah, i hear ya. it's been four months since i was with holly. and she was way hotter than stacy. so if you think you're hurting-- >> i can't even imagine. >> ohh. >> [snorts] >> this is our first and only valentine's day as fiances. >> you're only engaged once. well, present company excluded, but--

>> really, jim. on cupid's birthday. >> yeah. she's fine. >> so i received my first valentine from a secret admirer. "roses are red, violets are blue, "it's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up, too." >> ohh. >> oh, wow. look at those. how nice for you. up there front and center. beautiful. i think they would look better right here. they're very pretty, and i wouldn't want them to fall. >> [grumbles] >> just about everybody in this office is single right now, including me, and everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. and it is my first valentine's day since holly, so i think that i am well-qualified