yeah. he came and went. wait a minute. you said it was a magician, right? you don't think he could have used, it couldn't have been-- let's just go. night, hank. >> trevor: um, did you see that space force finally got their uniforms? i didn't even know space force was still a thing. i thought it was one of those things trump was like space force -- but apparently it's like a thing now and this they've got the uniforms. i don't know if you've seen them. it's like normal uniforms and the pants are just baggy. but it's not like, you know -- like -- they should have gotten kanye to do -- you know what i mean, he looks like he makes alien clothes. i feel like in ail yeps invaded earth, it's, this guy must day -- hey, what's that fashion? my man. >> coming from times square, the most important place on earth, it's "the daily show."

tonight submarine war fair. covid takes the gold. and representative pete aguilar. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: whey! what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. today is tuesday september 21st. let's kick off with the coronavirus pandemic. the only thing that's gone on longer than somebody explaining bitcoin to you. eth phone on so long it just broke a 100-year-old record. >> covid 19 is now the deadliest pandemic in the nation's history. the grim distinction made official by johns hopkins university. monday the u.s. surpassed 625,000 covid related deaths more than the 1918 spanish flu perching, but at the the u.s. population was about 103 million, less than a third of today's 330 million. >> trevor: whoo! covid number one pandemic of all time! we did it, baby!

i don't know what's worse that covid has killed more americans than any other pandemic or that this won't change anything because let's be honest, the people who are scared of covid were already scared back when ten people died. everyone else is still going to be like i heard more people die from shark attacks. to be clear the spanish flu killed a higher percentage of the population so technically it is still more deadly but then again i don't think we can trust the numbers from 100 years ago. nobody knew if you died because to have the flu or just because it was 1918. population size aside, america shouldn't be surpassing 1918 numbers, can we agree? they shouldn't be getting close to the numbers. think of every advantage we have since then. mrna vaccinessish better masks. back in 1918 doctors were euthanizing women because they didn't know how to handle the bleeding coming out of their ladies' parts.

in 1918 they didn't have iphones to track the disease. they were probably using palm pilots. though the covid pandemic continues to rage around the u.s., one state where things are going normal is california which now has the lowest covid rate in the country and, within california, few places are doing better than san francisco. yeah, what they do there is they fill all the empty syringes on the ground with pfizer and wait for people to step on them. very effective. now the mayor of san francisco is celebrating success by ending the city's masking rules. the only catch is she's only ending them for herself. >> san francisco mayor london breed is under fire after video has come to light showing her maskless dancing and singing during a live indoor performance by the '90s r&b group tony tony tony that is breed there on the left and the critics are saying she violated her health department's own masking order which came out in august and applies to the vaccinated like

the mayor and the unvaccinated. >> when confronted about this mayor breed was defiant. >> there was something that was really monumental that occurred, and that is tony tony tony, the original members, who have not performed in public for i believe at least over 20 years, and the fact that that is getting lost here is very unfortunate. i was there. i was eating, and i was drinking, and i was sitting with my friends, and everyone who came in there was vaccinated. no, i'm not going to sit sip and put my mask on, sip and put my mask on, sip and put my mask on, eat and put my mask on. while i'm eating and drinking, i'm going to keep my mask off. >> trevor: covid is truly a mystery virus, kills your sense of smell, can make you six for years but can't catch it when

'90s r&b is playing. def jam? i thought so. i feel like the mayor is using pretty interesting reasoning. i know i said people have to wear masks indoors but tony tony tony was playing for the first time in 20 years and i wanted us to try and kill them. ( coughing ) people, can we agree this kind of hypocrisy is bullshit, right? this doesn't help the conversation in america at all. it doesn't help any of the conversations around covid. leader can't make rules that everyone has to follow and then give us attitude when they get caught breaking their own rules. because the only way the mayor's actions made any sense is if covid was also really into tony tony tony and agreed to take the night off. >> oh, this is my jam. now relax relax, you don't need a mask tonight. yeah! feel good! that's the opposite, baby, oh, yeah. >> trevor: finally, let's get

into some technology news. tiktok can make almost anything go viral from recipes to random songs and even delios. the newest tiktok trend is starting to get out of control. >> you may have seen these images on social media feeds, bathrooms damaged. it is a new challenge on tiktok. the devious licks challenge. encourage also people to vandalize their schools, costing thousands of dollars a year. tiktok says it's pulling those with devious licks hashtags. parents, check your kids' social media activity. many are involved in this viral movement to steal teachers' purses, clog toilets, defies the

fire alarms. it's just ridiculous. >> trevor: i have a few thoughts about the storks number one, are we sure we don't want to beat our kids? i'm not saying it's right, but are we sure we want to take it off the table because the real name of this trend should be how far can id push this before my parents whoop my ass challenge? shouldn't be destroying your shit. it's not just respectful, it's also dumb. you're going to destroy the toilets in your school? you realize those your toilets. i guess you're going to be doing the forced to poop in my backpack challenge. you know when the u.s. government said you can't trust tiktok because it's a chinese plot, i didn't believe it but now i'm starting to see it because china has it figured out. just convince americans they will have had go viral and destroy themselves. it's the tide pod challenge, the devious lick challenge, the destroy the electrical grid

challenge, we get it! by the way, i get why they say talk with your kids and make sure they're not part of this trend, but i feel like that could also backfire in a major way. honey, i just wanted to make sure that you're not destroying your school like all those other cool kids on tiktok, yeah? uh, i wasn't going to but that sounds awesome. thanks, mom! you're the best! all right, let's move on to our top story. this week is the united nations general assembly happening in new york. it's the annual gathering that could honestly just be a zoom. but all the big names have shown up. president biden gave a speech e brazil's president gave a speech and b.t.s. gave a speech and filmed a music video from inside u.n. headquarters. completely real. yeah. old people were probably watching this, like, what the he'll is a b.t.s.? young people are watching it,

like, what the hell is the u.n.? makes sense for the b.t.s. to show up at the urn, they probably have the most powerful army. a lot of global issues on the agenda -- climate change, afghanistan, finding out who the father of lil nas' x's baby is, the rap community needs to know! a brand-new international dispute is causing a lot of drama. >> france is furious with the u.s. because of a surprise snub on a $65 billion diesel submarine contract. originally france and australia had shaken hands on the deal but last week australia went with the u.s. and u.k. for a any contract on nuclear subs. france was so offended, emmanuel macron pulled the ambassador to the u.s. and australia. >> france's prime minister is calling the administration's unacceptable behavior between allies and partners and a stab in the back of france which had been trying to sell australia its less powerful subs. an angry france also canceled a

gala in d.c. tonight celebrating the anniversary of a naval battle that france helped the conallys win in the revolutionary war. >> trevor: okay, look, guys, canceling a party is no big deal, but you've got to be pretty angry to cancel a gala because that's a party with like fancy napkins. but, yeah, basically, australia had promised to buy some submarines from france, then decided to ditch france and announce they were instead going to buy their submarines from the u.k. and america. this whole story shocked me because when i first heard about it i was like i didn't know france and australia knew each other. but turns out france is really embarrassed and so pissed off that they recalled their ambassador to the u.s. which doesn't sound that crazy until you realize that in 250 years they've never done that before. yeah, france was so mad that they've even recalled timothy shall may's name.

from now on we have to call him timmy brown. it's not as sexy. may as well call me by your name. that's the movie. see what i did there? france is making such a big deal about this deal that i'm starting to think that they needed this contract to pay the rent or something. and while france is upset with the u.k. and australia, you can tell that they're especially mad at joseph rob robinnette biden because they came at him with the ultimate insult. >> the language out of parish is the harshest over the submarine deal u.s. struck with u.k. and britsen. >> i'm angry. what worries me is the behavior of the americans. this unilateral brutal, unpredictable decision looks a loot like what mr. trump used to do. >> trevor: oh, boy, no o tell me you didn't, you did not just

throw out the t word at joe biden! because you know what's going to happen next, right? joe biden's about to hit you with a clap back! get him, joe! well he fell asleep but when he wakes up, oh, boy, you better look out! now don't forget the only reason australia wants these subs is because china is becoming more and more aggressive in the region. so when china saw this deal, they also weren't happy. >> china's accusing the u.s. of stoking a new arms race. chinese state media warning australia that it's now an adversary and to prepare for the worst. >> the sensationalists chinese state newspaper the global times had a front page article and said australia is marking itself out as an adversary of china and by making this move it also made itself vulnerable as a potential nuclear target in the event of open conflict. >> trevor: goddam!

china! no wonder australia is nervous, you guys just jumped straight to nuclear war. isn't there a gala you can cancel first. >> trevor: honestly, i think this whole situation could have been avoided. these are submarines. they're supposed to be secret. no one knows what's happening. why are you even telling people about them in the first place? if i was in australia i would spend billions of dollars on the people to help what happened with covid and tell china that i bought the submarines because how are they going to know? it's all underwater. we have a bunch. no, they're there. can't see them? that's what they're there for. check my venmo. this is where we're at, france and china are both pissed at the u.s., australia and the u.k. and what makes it even worse is that right now they're all at the united nations together. can you imagine how awkward that is? i mean, well, luckily, you don't stro imagine because we at "the daily show" have exclusive

footage of what goes on at these high level meetings and we'll share it with you in our brand-new segment "inside the u.n." ♪♪ ♪♪ welcome to the united nations, everyone! we're here to discuss climate change, the most important issue facing the planet. >> pardon, i would like us to discuss an even more important issue -- >> the submarine thing again. french people are so dramatic, cry about it in black and white mate. >> do you think this is a joke? let me tell you something, when you are dealing with your allies and you are looking -- ( laughter ) am i in black and white now? you put me back right now! huh? this was not for me. >> it wasn't personal, france, america just has better submarines. we have to do what's best for

our country, and if you're mad we don't give a (~bleep~). >> i don't know what makes me angrier you or the americans you cheated on us with. >> hi, buddy, if someone asks me to dance, i ain't gonna ask who they came are with, i'm gonna put on my boots and we gonna start stepin'. >> come on, france, how can we trust your weapons in the first place? you can't even win a war by yourself. >> so you go to america? huh? two people who don't even have wi-fi! >> buddy, we didn't lose a war, okay? we made a strategic decision not to win. >> this isn't about submarines, it's about loyalty! huh? how hard is it to be loyal? i am loyalty all four of my mistresses. >> cheer up, france, i'm sure someone else will buy your submarines. >> that is correct! nigeria will buy some submarines.

>> ah! well, in that case -- >> i will sell you submarines. >> now we will buy from america. >> son of a bitch! >> we will transfer the money to you we just need your banking account number and pin number, america. >> sounds good to me. >> look, mate, we've got to keep our eyes on the prize. the real reason we need the submarines is because we're all scared of china. >> wait, hold on? why you guys so scared? you don't need submarines in the pacific! there's nothing going on there! australian spiders are the size of horses! you should be scared of that. >> no, you got something going on, china! every time i refresh my goddam google map there's another tim allynns popping up. >> look who knows geography now! >> admit it, china, you're trying to conquer the pacific. you can't take over territory that isn't yours. >> now you can do that. >> i'll see you at the next

critic match. >> guys, relax, you're so tense, lighten up. take out tiktok, everyone is dancing and there's funny animals. you like that. >> stop trying to distract us, china. we're not going to fall for it. >> no, we are not. >> not today, china. >> we are focused. >> check this out, this dog sings like celine dion. oh, my god that's so funny. >> trevor: all right, when we come back, dulce sloan goes on the street and messes with new yorkers. so don't go away. my hygienist cleans with a round head. so does my oral-b my hygienist personalizes my cleaning. so does my oral-b oral-b delivers the wow of a professional clean feel every day. visible is wireless that doesn't play games. it's powered by verizon for as little as $25 a month. but it gets crazier.

bring a friend every month and get every month for $5. boom! 12 months of $5 wireless. visible, wireless that gets better with friends.

is it too early to start celebrating halloween?

well, if you're celebrating by eating reese's. then no, you're actually late. not sorry, reese's. ♪ ♪ i know the best coffee spot in town. i can make a rustic cabin feel modern. i am a guidebook for guests. i can make an indoorsy person, outdoorsy. i give families a home, not just a place to stay. i am a vrbo host. ♪ ♪ "the daily show." there is so much important news out there these days. so i ask dulce sloan to get out on the street and talk to the people to get their opinions about the issues. but uh dulce just does what she wants, so she came back with this. >> hello, friend, usually when i'm on the streets of this trash

ass city, i'm asking people what they think about the important issues of the day, but i'm not doing that today. today i'm going to be pretending to care about what people say because today i'm doing a new game show called can i make you late to work? because i can. in my charming small talk and keep commuters hooked for long enough that they're late for their jobs, i win. what do i win? who knows, i just feel victorious. who wants to talk to me? you? you have someplace else you've got to be. work in what a novel concept. billionaires going to space yea or nay. billionaire, good or bad. >> no. >> going to talk to me? not the witness protection look. >> not talking today sorry. >> billionaires -- >> don't have time today. >> friends, friends, come, come, what do you do? >> i'm a textile designer. >> are you currently trying to go to your job. >> i am. >> where is it? >> that way. >> are you in a hurry. >> i am actually in a hurry. i was supposed to get to work early.

>> what time did you have to be at work. >> oh, i should be there now. this is bad, i don't want to get fired, actually. i've not to go, okay? >> i just need you to watch this one video. i hate skipping ads because i want to know what new drugs are out. if you watch this video then don't go nowhere and we'll be completely done. oh, cute, a puppy. >> i really don't have time. >> this is one quick video. listen, i'm. >> i'm really sorry. i don't want to get fired. >> are you late though? >> yes. >> yay! do you know any tiktok dances? >> no. >> i'm working on a tiktok dance and feel like i need help with it. we're going to like this. and a cute little walk around. give them something to pay attention to. let them know that you was out there. >> i'm here for it. oh, it's amazing. thank you so much. >> so you got to do like, with a bam, and a bam, and a boom and a

boom and a boom -- >> all right. >> and then -- >> how long is this dance because i've got somewhere to go. >> honestly i never been on tiktok because i don't know how long a dance is supposed to be. a little soft play move -- are you late for work? >> a little bit. >> yay! hello? can i talk to you for a second. >> got to get to work. >> trevor: come back! i will go faster! like a girl who found out that dude wasn't the father. young man, are you in a hurry. >> i am. >> where are you going? >> a programmer going to work. >> a programmer. i remember my very first computer, it was, like, oh, my god you're never going to understand this, first computer i saw where the screen was off color and did you ever have to use a floppy disk? >> i've seen it. >> you don't know about the floppy disk. one that you take to the airport though nobody knows why?

>> a dot matrix. >> if braille -- what braille ie braille is a bad example. if you use a rotary phone, it was a thing from the simpsons, i wasn't sure my cousin was going to get it dash what's your name? >> jake. >> okay, jake, funny story, the camera wasn't on so we're going to have to start again. >> i'm so sore but i really have to go. >> are you late for work? >> i am. >> yay! that man didn't have a ring on. i want to make him late for work and early for my life. young man, i saw you didn't have a ring on. howled are you is this. >> 25. >> oh, god, all right. you? >> yes. >> sir. >> yes, ma'am, what are you doing. >> going to work. >> you doing a crossword. >> doing a crossword while i go to work. >> what do you do. >> an attorney. >> what kind of attorney are you. >> mostly family and a lot of appellate work. >> sam getting married to agent

alba, he's a big movie star and has all these movie things, what would you recommend. >> i would recommend you oppose a prenup. >> oppose a prenup. >> yes, because you have a fighting chance to get some of the stuff he had before the marriage. >> so you're trying to tell me you don't think me and mr. elba are going to last? >> yount what, i don't know, but i'm here to protect you. i'm here to protect you. >> i need you to go to work. >> do you need my card. >> no, it's true love -- but you can still give me your card. >> okay. >> are you the girl in the movie, you know like a rom come situation. okay, a guy and a girl and they don't like each other. why would they. they're standing in the elevator and he's like what, she's like what? i'm going to the fifth floor, the sixth floor. notice there's never a 13th 13th floor in. >> i'm not the girl in the movie. >> are you late to work?

>> i'm a little behind, yeah. >> i'm not going to let you get fired. go, go, go! >> trevor: thank you so much, dulce. when we come back, i'll be talking to a member of the committee that's investigating what happened during the capitol what happened during the capitol riots ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪

there's my boy! all the delivery. no delivery fees. dashpass. yeah, i mean the thing is, people like geico because it's just easy. bundling for example. you've got car insurance here. and home insurance here. why not... schuuuuzp.. put them together. save even more. some things are just better together, aren't they? like tea and crumpets. but you wouldn't bundle just anything. like, say... a porcupine in a balloon factory. no. that'd be a mess.

i mean for starters, porcupines are famously no good in a team setting. geico. save even more when bundle home and car insurance. here's a good halloween trick. buy a bunch of reese's. (uh huh, there you go) geico. save even more turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah) ( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's. my hygienist cleans with a round head. so does my oral-b my hygienist personalizes my cleaning. so does my oral-b oral-b delivers the wow of a professional clean feel every day. (vo) singing, or speaking.

reason, or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything. my guest tonight is congressman pete aguilar of california. he is the vice chair of the house democratic caucus and is a member of the select committee investigating the january 6th attack. congressman aguilar, welcome to "the daily show." >> thanks for having me, trevor. >> trevor: let's jump straight into it. you are one of the members to have the select committee that is going to be investigating the january 6th riots. now, it's really interesting because, in america itself, there isn't an agreement on what january 6th was. you know, you have half the country that says, no, these were people protesting and maybe the protests got a little out of

hand but it was just a protest, and the other half of the country says, no, this was an insurrection where people try to overthrow the government. to many people it might seem obvious, you know, in assigning the blame to somebody like donald trump who obviously sowed the seeds for what we experienced on january sixth. however, others would argue many people can plant seeds, you know, we can't hold them accountable for the actions of an extreme few because, i mean, relatively, this was a small group of people, you know, it wasn't all 50 million of trump supporters or people who voted for donald trumpch so are you worried this could set a precedent where you say politicians and what they may intimate or what they may say in a speech or the ideas they have should be held accountable for the actions of people who may, you know, take those things in an extreme manner? >> well, i think it's a fair question to ask. you know, ultimately, these individuals, you know, came across police boundaries and lines, they entered a government building without permission, they sought to disturb the

certification of the election, which is an official activity. that's ultimately what they're going to be judged by and what the gouge gunnel is -- department of justice has charged many of them with. the discussion of what was the president's role, what did he know, what should he have said or did he say behind closed doors, you know, i hope we can get to that at some point, and we're not trying to assign blame specific to that. those individuals will have to answer to the department of justice within our system, but the question is, you know, how do you insure this doesn't happen again and how do we ensure that leadership, you know, at the top genuinely means leadership? and the role that the president, you know, played in this, you know, is a story that i hope gets told as well. >> trevor: what's really interesting about this incident is it's something that affected yourself personally. at one point those people were 15 feet from you inside the building. what's interesting, though, is

many of your colleagues on the republican side have said, hey, we weren't afraid, these were just, you know, disgruntled citizens voicing their opinions. this is getting blown out of proportion, it wasn't as bad as it seems because they were also in the building or because they were also near the scene of what happened, people are saying, well, who do you give the weight to? how do you go about telling the story and finding the truth in a post-truth era? >> well, hopefully, you know, we can just let the facts speak for themselves and the chronology of the events, i think, will tell the story, and, you know, some of my colleagues may say some of those things in public, but, you know, they also knew what was outside those doors, and we were there, and there was a lot of uncertainty, you know. i might have been more scared than someone on their side of the aisle, but everybody knew that what was happening wasn't right. it wasn't normal. and, so, what we feed to do is also just kind of dispel that

this is -- this is not normal. this is not how america functions. and i was right there by that, you know, back door, as they are banging on the door, but you're right, it is a unique situation because we are witnesses as well as participants, and now we're going to have a hand in telling the story of what happened, but not in a partisan way, not even in a bipartisan way, in a nonpartisan way is what we seek to accomplish with the work that we're doing. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about what you hope that story will achieve, you know. there are some who say this story is about getting to the truth. there are obviously those who say, well, this story has been told, you know, the impeachment hearings, they dealt with this, and some feel like this is the democrats using this story to bolster their message into the midterms. how do you respond to that criticism? >> this is just about telling the truth. it's about telling the story. it isn't about politics. there are democrats and

republicans around that table at the elected level as well as some of the staff members who are working with us have worked for democratic and republican administrations alike. so we'll let the product of the work stand on its own. but it's important we get this right. one of the things, jamie raskin served on this committee with me and led the second impeachment, and one of the things he would even admit is we're going to have more information when we do this report, when we put out this report next year, than they had just weeks after the insurrection, and, so, that's the important piece is the data we're getting, the interviews, the testimony we'll receive, hopefully it will shape a better, more thorough outcome than anything that has been done today. >> trevor: i want to switch gears for a moment and talk about some of the other news that is taking place right now in the united states, particularly in and around the border. one of the biggest conversations involves a large group of immigrants from haiti who have come over from south america

into the united states across, i believe it's the rio grande, and some of the images that have come out of that have now stood a conversation in and around how does america enforce its borders and what should america be doing in the enforcement of its borders? now, how do you handle this situation sensitively and do you think the administration is doing a good job of not just handling it but communicating how they're handling it? >> well, i always think we can communicate it better, but i hope the american public allows us to take a step back and talk about why the individuals are fleeing, whether fleeing haiti, northern tribal country in central america, they're fleeing violence and oppression, and many times conditions of climate change as well. so these are individuals seeking status as refugees and asylees and they deserve to go through a process that hears them out and makes a decision as to whether

they are allowable and for what reasons. but like you said, there are so many needs economically within this country, too, and there are many, you know, positions that americans just won't do the work, and, so, you know, we're built on immigrants. this is a country that celebrates immigrants, or at least we used to, and we need to make sure that we stay true to that principle. but i agree that there needs to be rules of the road and there need to be a process and, unfortunately, donald trump spent years trying to break this immigration, you know, system and disrupt the process. so now, as the new administration, the biden administration is making, you know, inroads, it's taking a little bit of time, and i think that's what people are seeing. but, you know, what we are confident is that we can create a system with rules of the road that allows people an opportunity. >> trevor: well, congressman, thank you so much for the time. i know you probably have to get back in. the bells are going to start

ringing soon, which may throw everything off. so thank you so much for joining us. good luck with the committee and hopefully we'll see you again on the show. >> thank you so much for having me, trevor, appreciate it. >> trevor: we're going to take a quick break but we'll be right back after thi baaam. internet that doesn't miss a beat. that's cute, but my internet streams to my ride. adorable, but does yours block malware? nope. -it crushes it. pshh, mine's so fast, no one can catch me.

big whoop! mine gives me a 4k streaming box. -for free! that's because you all have the same internet. xfinity xfi. so powerful, it keeps one-upping itself. can your internet do that? >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, i have news: "the daily show" now has a new podcast called "beyond the scenes." in each episode, roy wood, jr. talks to the writers and producers who make "the daily show," along with special guests for a deeper dive into the issues we cover -- issues like policing therapy in the black community and gun control. think of it this way: "beyond the scenes" is like an extra snack your mom would put in your lunchbox.

it's sweet, unexpected, and proof that we love you. find "the daily show: beyond the scenes" wherever you get your podcasts. until then -- stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember -- check out ebay for a good deal on french submarines. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. >> i will tell you sir i kind of yearn for the calm -- >> they will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. >> peaceful -- >> president donald trump ordered the forces to have the state to attack protestors so donald trump could have a photo op featuring a bible. >> former presidents of donald trump stormed the capitol to stop the certification of joe biden. >> the u.s. lost 20 million jobs in the month of april. >> america first -- >> following rallies of white

supremacist in charlottesville, trump declared -- >> but you also had very fine people on both sides. >> around the globe days of donald trump -- >> there is serious concern tonight in washington and even from a n.a.t.o. ally about president trump's emotional fitness to responsibly command america's nuclear weapons arsenal. >> just saying, that's my riff. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - and so, in her career filled with lies, back-stabbing

and whoring herself for money, she learned that the price of fame can be pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley. and so ends punky brewster: behind the blow. - whoa, bummer, dude. - okay, dude, it's 3:30. - it's time for the terrance and phillip show. all: yay! - excuse me, buddy. - why, did you fart? - oh, no! - oh, man, this is another rerun. - are you sure? i haven't seen it. - yeah, fatass, this is their famous mechanic sketch. - i'm looking for a mechanic. can you tell me how to get to the auto garage? - sure, buddy, all you need to do is go down to the-- [farts] and that's how you-- [together] "get to the auto garage." - could you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting? - sure, you go the same way-- - "except stick your finger up your ass." - no, no, no. i mean could you tell me the directions again without you farting? - oh, sure. just stick your finger up my ass. - all right, no problem, buddy. now tell me how do i get to the auto garage to see a mechanic? - you're at the auto garage. i am the mechanic. - why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic? - "because i had an itch up my ass." - because i had an itch up my ass. [laughing]

[farts] - terrance and phillip will be right back... - after these messages. - when are they gonna make new ones? - hey, kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year. this thursday night at the denver coliseum, see terrance and phillip live and in person. - what's this? - one night and one night only, see all your favorite terrance and phillip bits live. - oh, my god! - you guys, you guys! i know, i know. - to order tickets, call ticket slave now! - write the number down! write the number down! [school bell rings] - dude, did you get 'em? - i got 'em. four tickets, 68th row to terrance and phillip. i waited in line since 3:00 this morning. - awesome, give me mine. - wow, you guys are gonna see terrance and phillip live? - yup, tomorrow night. - all right, children, let's settle down. as you know, this coming friday is earth day, and i'm pleased to announce that the national earth day organization has chosen south park as its location for the earth day brainwashing festival. all: oh! - the heads of the earth day brainwashing organization are here to tell you all about it. - hello, children, i know you're all very excited

about having the earth day brainwashing festival put on in your town. - you care very much about the earth, don't you? all: yes. - good, because it's up to all of you to get lots of people to come and make it look great. the festival is on friday, so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night. - what? - we've all gotta pitch in. - i'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night. - yeah! - yeah! - you...what? - we got tickets to see terrance and phillip live in denver tomorrow night. we paid 40 bucks a piece for them. - and terrance and phillip are more important than mother earth? - well, yeah, dude. - you don't care about terrance and phillip. nothing matters more than saving the planet from republicans. you don't need to see terrance and phillip. - no, dude, we really, really do. - their will is strong. - boys, i'm sorry, but nothing's more important than earth day. - uh, but that's why we're going. - huh? - see, we're the official presidents of the terrance and phillip fan club and we're going to see them tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform at the earth day festival. - you can get terrance and phillip to perform? that would be great. terrance and phillip would draw huge ratings

from children all over the country. - very well, kids, we'll work on getting the event ready here and you go get terrance and phillip. - all right! - all right! - but i warn you, you better not promise things to earth day people that you can't deliver. earth day people can be very unforgiving. - heh-heh, no problem, no problem. - ladies and gentlemen... [cheering] put your hands together for terrance! - hello, denver! [scattered applause] - wow, dude, terrance got really fat. - yeah, he looks terrible. - how are you all feeling tonight, pretty good? uh-oh. [farts] [sparse laughter] hey, do you all remember this one? "doctor, doctor, i think i cracked my ass." phillip, "let me take a look." "look closer." [farting and cackling] - uh... - where the hell is phillip? phillip, phillip! [crowd chanting] phillip, phillip, phillip, phillip! - and now, for some classic terrance and phillip comedy. [cheering] - hello, terrance. - hello, phillip.

- phillip? that's not phillip. - say, phillip, i have a question for you. - okay, shoot. [farts] - dude, what the hell is going on? why'd they replace phillip? - i think this new guy's funny. - and now here's a classic terrance and phillip sketch that i wrote back in '62. - excuse me, sir, do you know who farted? - he sure did. - what's the person's name? - who. - the guy that farted? - who? - the person that passed gas. - who passed gas. - now, why you askin' me? - that's man's name. - that's whose name? - yes! - something very terrible has happened in the world of terrance and phillip and we've got to find out what. - look, buddy, all i'm trying to find out is, what's the guy's name that farted? - what's the guy that drank his own urine. - who? - come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this. excuse us. - where do you think you're goin'? - we have to talk to terrance. - yeah, right. - it's okay, we're the official presidents of the terrance and phillip fan club. - then get in the "official president of terrance and phillip fan club" line. - oh, dude. gay.