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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  September 30, 2021 1:15am-2:00am PDT

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>> some scientist warn the global rate of extinct is a thousand times higher right now compared to historical averages. >> trevor: this is so devastating for these poor animals. you know what, tonight i'm pouring one out for the ivory billed woodpecker. because we're going to miss it so much. we can't be having that wood-- oh no, no, no. that was the last. i just gave him alcohol poisoning, oh, that poor mouse, my bad, is he drunk, no he's dead, he's dead, sorry. and look although this is horrible, i think we have to look on the bright side as well. if the extinction rate is up, at least that means things we don't like might go extinct too, you know. things that serve no real ecological purpose like mosquitoes or [bleep]. not to mention is this really surprising. like is this a surprising story. no one has seen this woodpecker since 1944 and they just now concluded it's extinct it is kind of like the government
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announcing now that there won't be any more frank sinatra albums. yeah, i kind of assumed, thanks, government. honestly, i think after going missing all of this time it would be worse if these animals showed up again. because like where were you when i needed you, ivory billed woodpecker. i was getting bullied in school by a tree and you weren't there. but now they're gone forever. the experts say that they are extinct and we just have to accept it. although i have a different, some what say, dangerous theory. did these animals go extinct or did they all adapt over time to become invisible to the human eye? i'm just asking questions, man. >> and finally, let's move on to one animal that hasn't gone extinct. alligators. they're what you milk to get gatorade. you know how normally florida man is some one would you never
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want to be. this time florida plan is the hero we all need. >> so this video right now, you have to see it to believe it. one man took an interesting approach to catch an alligator. here we go. so this man here using a trash can, as you can see the alligator is moving back, moving back, and here he is. check this out. he has on sauce and slime. >> trevor: okay. thank god he captured that alligator because let's be real, my man did not have on the proper foot wear for this situation. i mean this is not what you wear to catch an alligator. this is what you wear to waffle house at 2:30 a.m. yes, both are extremely
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dangerous situations. but only one requires running away from a little dinosaur that wants to eat you. but still, this dude was a lot braifer than i would be, you know. like i have to call my neighbor for backup just to kill a cockroach in my kitchen. turned out to be be almond but i still have nightmares, that thing was closes, man. at the same time i will say i actually feel bad for this alligator. i mean not as bad for the garbage man that will open that lid expecting garbage but still pretty bad because usually when an alligator loses a fight to a human, it is because a human has a gun or a fancy trap. but when this alligator goes back to his swamp, all his friends are going to be like yo, man, how did they beat you. i don't want to talk about it. hey, why do you smell like the garbage dump. >> i said let it go. but let's move on to our top story. congress, that is the only workplace less productive than dunder mif lynn's scranton branch. but suddenly this week there was a lot of activity up on capitol hill. >> time is running out on
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capitol hill to stop america from an economic disaster. lawmakers are furiously negotiating. hoping to make progress on four major issues, central to the biden agenda and the nation's economy. on the dock et, passing a continuing reslation that will continue to fund the government, before it runs out of cash as soon as friday. lifting the debt ceiling before the government reaches that threshhold by the middle of october. striking a compromise on a massive expansion of the social safety net that both mod receipts and progressives can agree on and passing a bipartisan bill that will offer up more than 1 trillion to fix roads and bridges across america. the problem is democrats have tied several of these items together. and now they're trying to untangle them. >> trevor: goddam that is a lot of stuff. trying to pass all of that at the same time? prevent a government shut down, raise the debt ceiling and pass two huge pieces of legislation? why is this all happening at the last minute, people?
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i mean this reminded me of how i was always cramming in high school for the night before finals. okay. time to get down to business. what is a book? all right, you got this, trev. but whatever reason, this is happening now, which means there is a lot of stress, a lot of bickering. and most importantly, a lot of drama. yeah. in fact there is so much drama it is the perfect story to cover in our new segment, keeping up where the congressians. >> all right, what's going on. it is me, your host talky mcgossip. let's kick things off with the debt ceiling. out of everything congress has to get done, this one is probably the most important. raising the debt ceiling basically lets congress pay its bills. so if they don't do it in time,
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america defaults on its debt and its credit goes lower than jerry's standing at the bar at 3 a.m., am i right, jerry. he knows, he knows. jerry. ha ha ha. so this ceiling needs to be raised. but you know who is doing everything he can to make that as hard as possible? congress' original drama queen mitch mcconnell. >> last night senate republicans blocked a bill that would have allowed the debt limit to be raised, even though the republican party supported national debt to soar nearly 8 trillion dollars during the trump administration. >> democrats will not get bipartisan help borrowing money so they can immediately blow historic sums on a partisan taxing and spending spree. >> democrats did help republicans extend the debt sealing in 2017 and 2019. >> mitch mcconnell, you are one katy bitch and i love it.
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>> mitch is bringing the best kind of drama to. does does ve any reason to block this bill, no, is he doing it anywy? hell yeah, he is sending back his steak at a restaurant even though it is cooked perfectly because mitch knows that sometimes eating out isn't about the meal, it's about fighting with that sexy chef. and let me tell you, mitch does not care that the democrats helped him raise the ceiling when he was the hbic. he thinks he is losing sleep over this, no, no, my man is sleeping good using a pile of his own face skin as a pillow. trust me. but plot twist, there is an even bigger roadblock right now, that has nothing to do with mitch. it is a fight between the progressives and the moderates in the democratic party. yeah. apparently sources tell me that they're more divided than jerry family after his parents got divorced, right, jerry?
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two thanksgiving for this guy. you see right now joe biden wants the dems to pass two huge bills. one is the infrastructure bill which the moderates are gaga over, it's got a trillion dollars for boring shit like roads, bridges, hammers, i don't know. but the progressives won't vote for it unless the moderates vote for their reconciliation bill which has $3.5 trillion for child care, health care, climate change, all the stuff that bernie's horny for. i'm so horny. and the moderates are saying why don't you vote for our bill first and then we can talk about your bill. and the progressives are saying maybe you should take a seat. >> progressives like bernie sanders saying democrats either pass both laws or they will block the bipartisan bill. >> look, you guys want to pass the infrastructure bill. i want to pass it. you want to pass that, you have to deal with reconciliation. you can't just keep slow walking
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this thing. >> the agreement from the very beginning, and we have been talking about this for months now, is there is one big package. >> i am an absolute no, you can write it on the wall, with cor ksh-- i am a no. >> cory bush, you are throwing down and can i not get enough. the progressives are not backing down here. they may be against the one percent but nev's got 99 percent of the balls. and right now for them these bills are like bennifer, it is a package bill, baby, have you seen those pictures. we love those pictures, don't we? and honestly, i get where the progressives are coming from. every time there is a disagreement with the moderates, they are the ones that expect us to give in and settle for less than their hashtag life goals. you can only be the designated driver so many times before you say hey, when's this bitch going to get a drink. now the solution to all of this drama might be obvi. everyone get your egos in check, get in a room and talk this out.
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the problem is that while progressives have been very clear about what they want, the moderates have been super shady. especially the head of the mod squad, joe manchin. >> part of the problem is that moderates still won't say what they are willing to agree to spend on expanding the social safety net. progressives want the package to be as big as 3.5 trillion. expand programs like medicaid, pre-k and the child tax credit. moderates like kirsten sinema and joe manchin don't want to spend that much but they are also not ready to say publicly how high they are willing to go. >> i'm concerned about basically a society moving towards more of a mentality versus a rewarding mentality. >> progressives think you are dragging your feet. >> everybody has their own opinion, right. >> joe manchin, you are cagey af and i am here for it. and now i had here for it, and now i'm here for it. joe is my kind of centrist, as
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in he wants to be the center of attention, that is why he is dragging this out. joe is being so mysterious, it is going to be the first time people hold a seance to find out what a living prophet wants. and some people might find joe manchin frustrating but i just find him so relatable. he reminded me of that one friend at brunch who hates everything on the menu but can't figure out what he likes. >> that friend is mine-- that friend is me. but the point is things are getting harry for the democrats and i'm not just talking about joe biden's arm. they better kiss and make up soon because if they don't, both of their bills are going to be more dead that swrerree's wife after she got hit by that bus, right, jerry? (laughter) she was dead like a pancake.
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(laughter) oh jerry. you're hilarious. now if you are a reviewer you know this ain't nothing new for joe manchin. any time democrats want to pass a big piece of their agenda joe is there to pump the -- and he says he does it because he cares about fiscal responsibility and all that. but honestly i think he's just having a good time. and we thought why shouldn't everyone have as much fun as joe manchin is. which is why we made this exciting new ballgame for everybody. >> looking for a fun family game night that's guaranteed to end in frustration? introducing manchin, the politics game where everyone works together. almost. >> you play as the democratic majority in the senate, but watch out, one player is the manchin. >> i have concerns over the partisan nature of this
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legislation. >> u oh. looks like someone is the manchin. >> but kyle, we're on the same team, you know, america. >> this still cannot move forward without the support of at least one republican >> but there are no republicans here. they didn't want to play. >> with manchin, you can feel the excitement of a narrow majority held hostage by one sanctimonious [bleep] head. >> let's at least do voting rights. >> yeah. >> the people of west virginia sent me here to compromise. >> but watch out for that legislative challenger. >> the time is about to run out, come on, let's just pass something. >> i've written a compromise bill. >> great, let's pass it. all in offer favor say aye. >> aye. >> i've decided that my bill is too partisan. >> come on! >> i hate this game. >> i'm so disappointed in you. you should all learn it to work together with people the way i do. >> i need a drink, are you sure there is. >> manchin, squander the
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opportunity. >> trevor: all right, everybody. when we come back, roy wood, jr. and dulce sloan will con vow over missing white women, you don't want to miss it. unlike jerry misses his wife, ha ha, jerry. oh, she wasn't that great. (laughter) kinder bueno? woooooow. it's crispy.
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media have been confused with the disappearance and death of gabby petito. and it is easy to understand why, it is a tragic story and we all feel genuinely horrified about what happens to that poor woman. but some people have also wondered, when some stories get so much attention, whose stories are being overlooked, or why do those stories get more attention than others. dulce sloan and roy wood, jr. sat down to talk about it. >> what is happening. >> chillin, chillin. >> have you seen all this wall to wall coverage of-- of missing white women. >> that's all they do. that is all nancy grace dusker all day. >> i mow it is tragic, in every case, but the way the media covers it you would think only white women go missing. you know what, let's chat. >> all right. >> isn't there always a white woman missing? >> that i don't know. what i do know is that the key
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to being found if you go missing is to be white, and be a woman. if you want to be looked for. >> well, not only that. you got to be white, you got to be a woman, you have to be young. you have to be blond. you have to be pretty. if are you not any of these things, then you have to be pregnant. and if you are not that, then your husband has to be high profile. >> here is a crazy thing of the 800,000 people that go missing. >> 800,000. >> almost a million. >> a million people go missing every year. >> a whole mass memphis. >> a whole memphis tennessee goes missing. my question is if them people get found does that number get adjusted or is it 800,000 people you never see imen. >> that is a good question and i can't answer that. look, of the 800,000 people that go missing every year, 60% of people are color. 30% is black. >> but the united states is only 13 percent black. >> they snatching us up t is even worse with the inkij nows community. why doesn't the media focus on
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that. >> the news give people what they want. if a white woman is inning daker, than what, what ksh-- how did the system fail her. but somebody snatches me, they're going to go she probably has a-- to criminals anyway. >> from the other side of the tracks and hanging with the criminal element. >> and i'm second generation suburbs. >> you know they talk about kidnapped black people is when they escape. >> yeah. >> that is the only time kidnapped black people even make the news. we got to get free and then they go did you hear about the negro that got freed. >> it plays into the idea of us being stronger, faster. >> would the police look for me if my family released a picture of me with blond hair? >> doesn't matter. >> you haven't seen me with blond hair. >> listen, have i seen cisco and ain't nobody looking for him either. >> if you are black and indigenous, your best bet is when you go to the police reporting your child, say my child is 23 years old, 5 foot 6, enjoys hiking and she had a
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broken tail light. >> or you just tell her that she is dating a lacrosse player. you have to connect, like you have to-- if your black daughter goes missing you have to attach your daughter to white men. >> she was leaving gymnastics practice. she was leaving soccer practice. you can't say that she was on the drill team. >> oh no. >> right, she was having her afternoon hummus snack at gism nas particulars practice, she is a 23 year old virgin who just got certified in christian yoga. >> that's white. >> she volunteers at no kill shelter that specialized in disabled animals. >>er in's going to find her. >> they'll find her. >> do you know the withs about of will quisha joann jackson, call crimestoppers, 555-55-55555, 55. >> like the old pizza hut number. >> is that how that work. >> yes, i think it would be easier to find a woman whose last niem is jenkins,s, jr. >> but this is is getting out of
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hand, they trying to find a fiance who they believe killed a white woman, dog the bowntee hunter volunteered to come help. >> good, he has been finding white people forever. he knows where they hide, what nooks and krannies. >> dog the bowntee hunter tracked down my [bleep] in the island, why you respecting someone on the island, you stay at the airport and i will just drive around. >> you get out in the jungle in hawaii, it's over. a volcano, you can't come over here, it's hot. like there is a lot of places, also hawaii has multiple islands, not just one island. >> how do you get to the island, boat or plane. >> yes. >> you stand here by the boat and plane. >> there are other islands. you can could be looking for me on this island, i could be six islands to the left. >> thank you so much roy and dulce, coming up i will talk with activist and lawyer derecka purnell about the end of the police in america. yeah. that is what i said. don't go away. away. 67
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daily show, my guest tonight say lawyer, activist and writer derecka purnell. she is here to talk about her brand new book that explores what abolishing the police really looks like. >> derecka, welcome to the show. >> thank you so much for having me. >> you have written a book that is sure to get you a ton of praise and then i mean death threats and criticisms from the high heaven because i will be like, i have learned this personally, if you even suggest a criticism of the police especially in america, you are seen as somebody who hates all police, you are seen as somebody loves crime, seen as somebody without just doesn't believe as a function of society. but when you go abolish the police, i mean how-- let's start with that. how do you even begin a conversation around like abolishing the police without having people believe that we're going to be living in like a mad max dystopian future. >> well, it depends on who i am talking to, right. so there are people who i organize with or communities where i live, an when i talk about police abolition the first
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question is what about the murders, what about the rapists, will i be safe. i'm usually in conversation with people who are most vulnerable to violence on by neighbors, strangers, cops. and then i ask them with a million cops right now, do you feel safe? and usually their answer is no. and what abolition feels like to them is nothing, right. it feels like absolutely nothing. >> trevor: right. >> and when you have nothing, no investment in your education, in your health care, you know, and any of the things that would make you live a life where you can thrive, police are like something. and something can feel like everything, right, so police abolition or prison abolition is not nearly the absence of police, right it is eliminating the root causes of arm and eliminating the kind of society that could rely on police to solve that harm. because you know police can't solve it. so i asked people in they feel
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safe, what makes them feel safe and how can we starting where that world together, instead of just relying on police to do that work because it is infectionive. i asked this question, i go why can we not as society not just eliminate the need for police in those certain areas, so we go, i agree with you, police shouldn't help people unlock their cars, police shouldn't help a homeless person on the street, police shouldn't be interacting with someone with a mental illness. police shouldn't come to you if you played your music too loud, and police i think would say the same thing. >> of course. >> so if we eliminate the need for police to do those things and then they can focus on subduing criminalsk like as you said, the murderers, killers, kidnappers, would that not solve the problem? why do you still argue for abolition as a whole. >> yeah, of course. one reason is because we should ask questions like why do people kill people, or why do people commit sexual violence. because sending police to go and arrest someone who is a murderer and doesn't prevent the murder,
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right, so i think of the neighborhood i grew up. so many black boys i had crushes on don't live to become men. they just don't. they don't make it past 21, past 15, at the don't make it past 30. it is not as if police are standing out in front of their houses every night protecting them from the bullets going through their windows. that is not what police do. police can go get the person who may have killed them but that doesn't save lives, that is 15, 16,000 people killed in the u.s., every single year and what we essentially task police to do is go be bobby searches, when we actually know what eliminate and prevents murders, which say strong economy, jobs, health care, education, being connected as part of a community where there is account ability-- accountability. if you are disrupting communities by taking away jobs, by decimating education, by putting people in prison so when they come out they are in a much
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more precarious situation than the first place, are you creating the condition for more violence, and that doesn't keep anybody safe. >> trevor: in a world where the police have been abolished. >> yes. >> trevor: two things. one, what is the transitionary period. >> okay. >> trevor: because that is a scary part. when you go abolishes police, people go so no police tomorrow. does that mean a triple spike in murders. >> no, that is not-- . >> trevor: and the second what is the transitionary period. and two, what then happens when somebody kills. people have been killing from bible times, so what then happens. let's start with what is the transitionary period. >> can i answer the questions in reverse. >> trevor: yeah, go ahead. >> when you think about something like i don't know, murder, lots of murder happens because of man wants to control the sexuality of a woman. >> trevor: okay. >> okay. and so that is not something that's natural to a man. it is something he is continued to do under patriarchy.
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so abolitionists ask how can we rad yait what is conditioning men to believe that they should be able to control a woman's sexual lives, right. how do we radiate that impulse to say no, you can't leave this house. no you can't break up with me. to the point where we will murder that person. the secretary reason why people will kill each other, it is for control like over petty arguments, something you said, i'm using men as an example because they are-- now not to dis any man. so the second reason why people kill each other is because of these petty arguments. like you said something and insulled my man hootd and i'm rang ree. >> trevor: or you have taken something. >> exactly. so people are conditioned to do that. and the good thing about-- well trk is not good that they are can bed but that conditioning can be undone. we can teach people to have different kinds of
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relationships. we can teach men and boys and children how to interact with women differently or people who are tran or people who are queer. >> trevor: i don't disagree with that. however i wonder is that not leading to a utopian place, it is a utopian ideal but what happens. i still asked the only question, what happens if eight out of ten men are like we've been conditioned, we're fine like this. two go i'm taking what is yours, i'm killing your woman, who then now. >> which is why i wanted to answer in reverse, abolition does not happen overnight. there are a million cops, there are jails and prisons, 18,000 law enforcement agencies, america loves cops, there is no way abolition will happen overnight there is no abolitionists who i know who i organize with who expects it to happen. what we do expect people is to be committed to experimentation, figuring out how to get there. how do we get to that two out of ten, right now we're in a society where it is nine out of ten, how do we even get there. what is frustrating is that
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people, take a step back and say you don't have an answer for every single scenario. >> so there is no need to do everything. >> right what is sad is cops don't have an answer for every single scenario, but who is funded, police, right. we get increased police budgets, mird, okay, we need to increase police, well they knew the answer, if more police was the answer, then why isn't murder decreasing, why isn't theft decreasing, all these ills decreasing, we are doing the inverse, one example that is usually help for for me, so now you have a house way leakey roof. so you have dripping, dripping, and then you put a bucket underneath it to catch this water. the leak picks up. next thing you know the buckets are overflowing. and at some point someone who in the house says we need to get rid of these buckets, it is a mess everywhere, it is not working on the leak.
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and abolitions are trying to figure out well, why is the house leaking in the first place, right, and the police are kind of like the bucket, that buckets that don't kill people, kind of like the bucket. you want to take buckets out of my house, this is going to flood, it's going to smell like mill due, be plesy. we're like no, no, no. we don't want your house to flood. we want the roof to stop leaking and it's going to take much more to stop that roof from leaking than it is just to keep replacing buckets buying bucketsk getting different colors of buckets. there is only so much you can do with that because buckets are not intended to stop leaks, right. that takes a different kind of skill and imagination a different kind of commitment. >> trevor: fundamentally what are you saying is americans need to think about solving the cause instead of only treating the symptoms. >> yes. >> trevor: and to that i said good luck. thank you so much for joining me. >> of course. >> trevor: it has been amazing having you here and your book is twice as amazing as the conversation because you can have it for much longer.
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derecka's book, becoming abolitionist will be available october 5th. we will take a quick break but we will take a quick break but will be right back after this. why do nearly one million businesses choose stamps.com to mail and ship? no more trips to the post office no more paying full price for postage and great rates from usps and ups mail letters ship packages anytime anywhere for less a lot less get our special tv offer
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a 4-week trial plus postage and a digital scale go to stamps.com/try and never go to the post office again tonightk but before we go thousands of people are reported missing every year in the united states.
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while not every case will get wide spread media attention, the coverage of white and minority victims is far from proportionate. the black and missing foundation is an organization whose mission is to bring awareness to missing persons of color, provide vital resources and pools to missing-- tools to missing person's families and friends and educate the minority community on personal safety. so if you can, please consider supporting them at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember, if you see an ivory billed woodpecker, you try and have sex with it asa trk. we have to keep the species going, leer it is your moment of zen. >> rip jenkins traveling am mexico's southern board we are guatemalan today, imrif, where are you. >> i'm in the middle of the river on one side it is the
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guatemala. on the other side mexico. and this crossing right here is called del passo del coyote, a illegal way, the legal way is the bridge in the distance. >> well done, we'll track that caravan. >> as it moves north. >> incredible balance there. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
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- jesus christ! these lines are ridiculous! i'm gonna miss my flight. excuse me, there's two other security checkpoints. why can't you open those too? - duh, i dunno nothing. - but you work for the-- god damn it! - snooty airlines announces the arrival of flight 239 from connecticut. - that's your cousin's flight, kyle. hold the sign up nice and high, so he can find us. - what's he look like? - he's your age and about your height. - i'm stoked my cousin is coming to live with us. it'll be just like having a brother. - i thought i were! - oh, there he is, over here, kyle! - hello, aunt sheila. - how was your flight? - oh, it was terrible. they recycle the air on board, and it really did a number on my asthma. i asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't. - you remember uncle jerry. - hello, uncle jerry. - and these are your cousins ike and kyle. - hey, dude. - nice to meet you. - let's get down to the baggage claim, kyle. - okay. - okay. - ooh, that's right! we've got two kyles now. we'll just call you kyle and you can be kyle...two.
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- cool. - next. - oh, i feel like i've run a marathon. - okay, the 2:30 flight to cheyenne has boarded. looks like you didn't make it. - what? well, of course i didn't make it! the line to check in was two hours long, and the security line was two hours more! - yeah, no problem, though. we'll get you on the 7:00 a.m. flight tomorrow morning. - i can't go tomorrow. the jizzfest is tonight! - would you like a window or an aisle seat? - this is unbelievable! you know, i seem to remember when the airlines said "we need a $15 billion bailout from the taxpayers." - mm, okay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left? - well, we gave them the $15 billion, and they fired their employees anyway, so now we have three people to clear 400 passengers! - hey, he's right! all: yeah! - okay, and bags have been with you at all times? - so where did that money go? i'll tell you where it went! it went right into the pockets of the presidents and c.e.o.s of the airlines so they could keep their multimillion-dollar salaries! all: yeah! - and here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning. - you think you can treat us however you want because we have to fly! well, i'll tell you what, sally sass-a-lot.
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i'm gonna come up with a new mode of transportation, a brand-new vehicle that'll put all you bastards out of business! all: yeah! - you think i can't do it? i got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at denver community college. you watch me! come on, everybody! all: yeah! - can i get on that 7:30 a.m. flight? - here we go, kyle two, and here's yours, kyle. - wh-what is this? - mom's special stew. she makes it every monday, and i love it. - oh, is this beef? - yeah, dude, it's great. - actually, i-i can't eat beef. i have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining, and beef really gives me gas. - oh, i'm so sorry, kyle! what else can i fix you? - oh, no, i-i don't want to be a bother. - nonsense! can't i make you some nice pasta or a frozen fish fillet? - well, some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble. - i'll put it in the microwave right away. - [wheezing] - mom? - yes, kyle two? - how am i related to him again?
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- he's your cousin, kyle two. i told you already. - yeah, but like first cousin or distant cousin? - he's my sister's son. that makes him your first cousin. - so we have the same blood? - now, kyle two, listen to me. kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. his mother is very sick, and he's in a whole new place. he's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school. - what? how the hell am i supposed to do that? - i'm sure your friends will love him. - what about cartman, huh? he rips on me for being jewish. he's gonna tear this kid apart. - kyle two, he's your responsibility. - oh, my god! - i'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late-night pillow talk. - what do you mean? what room is he sleeping in? - what's this comforter filled with? oh, it isn't filled with down, is it? - i don't know, dude. - it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and dry too. do you have a humidifier? - i don't think so. - can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the nightstand? make sure they're close by because that fish upset my stomach, and i might need them if i have to go to the bathroom later on. - okay.
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- [breathing heavily] - it's got to be simple. like a moped but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds. if the design of our electrical moped were altered with-- no, no, no, no. this won't work either. what was wrong with that plan? it has to be more stable, mr. hat. a moped would be too dangerous at those speeds. damn it! now, what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle? boy, that enrique "in-glesias" can sure gyrate his hot ass around. [singing on tv] oh, mr. hat, will you stop drooling over enrique "in-glesias"? wait a minute. what did you say? i said enrique "in-glesias" can sure gyrate his hot ass. that's it! gyration! a gyroscope! it would allow for maximum balance and yet-- mr. hat, you're a genius! it's so simple and yet genius!
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check out his hot bulge too. - hey, dude. - what's that thing? - cartman, i need to talk to you. - hello, i'm kyle's cousin, kyle. - cartman, i'm gonna make you a deal. - what? - that kid over there is my cousin from the east coast. he's having a really hard time right now, so i'm gonna offer you $40 to not to rip on him. - 40 bucks? - but you can't make fun of him at all. no smartass comments, nothing. - all right, all right. - and you especially can't say anything about jews. - oh, jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls? - cartman, no jew jokes! all you have to do is keep your mouth shut and you've got 40 bucks. can you do it? - i can't believe how cold it is out here. - it could be tough, but i'll give it a shot. - all right. - it's a real dry cold. that's the problem. the cold air makes me wheeze. - kyle, this is cartman. he's my sort of friend--ish. - nice to meet you, cartman. you know, i saw that same jacket you're wearing at bosco's for $29.95. how much was yours? i'm just wondering if bosco's is a rip-off. - oh, man. - cartman. - uh, it's nice to meet you, kyle. i can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend kyle here. [whooshing] - what the hell was that?
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[whooshing] - well, what the hell was that? [whooshing] - what the hell was that? - i don't know; it was going so fast, i couldn't see it. but i want one. - yeah, me too! - we've done it, mr. hat. airline companies be damned. we've invented a whole new mode of transportation. get some investors on the phone. well, what are you waiting for? - and i know you'll all be very nice to our new student. kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? - oh, well i grew up in the city. i really don't care for it. i come from a jewish family which, of course, you already know because kyle's from the same family. i like to read, and i have these polyps on the backs of my hands. i don't know what they are. - oh, my god, i'm not gonna make it. i'm not gonna make it. - oh, and i hope one day to be an investment banker. - uh...must fight it... need 40 dollars. - okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, kyle? - where should i sit? there's no place to sit down here. - yes, unfortunately, the school seems to be completely out of extra desks,

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