starting to seem like going into space is becoming routine. but it is obviously moving for the people who get to do it because shatner tried to describe the trip after he got back, and it clearly, clearly cut him deep. >> everybody-- needs to see -- it was unbelievable. to see the blue color, whip by and now you are stairing into black, that is the thing, it's like i whip a sheet off you into sleep and you are looking into blackness, this is life and that is death. and in an instant, you go whoa, that's death. that's what i saw. >> that's amazing. that's amazing. >> i am-- i am overwhelmed. >> trevor: i love how he's like this is the most powerful thing i've experienced---- and people in the back are like ha, ha, space, space, space.

>> this was life-and-death. ha, ha, did you see take a self yea in space. it was really emotional, actually. it sts is william shatner, you know, that is kind of how he has been delivering lines for decades, it doesn't matter what he say, touching the void between life-and-death, reason and madness, such are the deals you can find on priceline.com. i will say, it is pretty cool that he gave an amazon review about his trip to an actual amazon guy. that is pretty cool. no one gets to tell jeff bezos to about his products to his face. the whole thing made me wonder, do you think jeff bezos is secretly swapping us one by one with clones, before you know he secretly-- when you go up to the moon he replaces you with a clone now your clone is on earth praising jeff bezos and the real you is working in the amazon warehouse, did you ever think about that? switching us around, one by one, we don't know. could be like one of those crazy

scams, you know, where amazon does that kind of thing. like a-- ronny chang, what is going on, buddy. >> oh, hey, sorry, my phone died so i was looking for a book for the commute home, you know, don't let me interrupt, sorry. you know. >> trevor: you sort of interrupted by walking behind me while i was doing the thing. >> oh, you are doing the thing right now. >> trevor: yeah, yeah, yeah, we're taping the show. >> okay, sorry, okay, i will be quick. let's see. nelson pan dela. >> trevor: ronny, why don't you-- ronny, why don't you just, after the show. >> gettiesburg, i mean dude, we get it, you're black. we don't have to shall-- . >> trevor: well, that is just one section of the book. >> you know, you can tell a lot of someone by what books they keep. i notice your books isn't here. >> trevor: why would i keep my own book on a shelf. >> i mean if you valued your contribution to literature than

maybe you would. what was the book called again, was it baby criminals or what, guilty as charged or, i did it? was that o.j. or-- . >> trevor: ronny, take the book. >> hey, did you hear about that william shatner thing. the guy went to space. the guy from star trek, star trek is this american tv show. >> trevor: i just did that. >> an analogy for socialism and working at-- the gap. >> trevor: i just did that. >> yeah, yeah, did you see, the guy is crazy, 90 years old, insane. >> trevor: yeah, i just. >> i mean it profers that like william shatner is the strongest human ever, or that going to space is nothing. you know what i mean. like all those-- you know astronauts training for months. you don't need any of that. you just need to have dreflt and you can-- if you are not dead you can go to space, apparently. also, also proves how much white people don't love their grandparents.

because i mean i would never send my grandparents to space, you know what i mean, i wouldn't even send my grandparents to time square, the place is insane. >> trevor: yeah. good point. all right. let's make like nobody in history and move to north korea. you probably hear kim jong un has a big parade where he shows off all his military hardware, how we know what kind of high-tech missiles they will crash into the ocean next. but yesterday they replaced video of this year's weapon display. the only thing i can say is holy shit. >> showcased at this latest event were more than missiles. soldiers performed high flying martial arts kicks, smashing blocks, a soldier crashed through a block with his head and a bare chested soldier fought off all comers. >> trevor: sweet jesus, you see that guy, he not off six dudes at one time. we will smuggle him out of north korea and get him to waffle house asap.

your new champion is here. the other guy ran through like a block of concrete. i didn't know north korea was deploying kool-aid man technology, and that wasn't even the craziest stuff, they bent pipes with their throats. they broke out of chains like a shaved king kong. and look at this shit. let me tell you guys, man, it is a plan to defeat north korea was to make them lie down, cover them with concrete blocks and hit them with sledgehammers, america is screwed. >> not very impressive. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? >> i was just saying that, i mean, man, we have been watching americans on tv do that for decades now. i mean you think that is scary, we should send them, we should have a verse us between those guys and criss angel and david blain and-- . >> trevor: yo, yo, ronny. >> go to vegas for one night, that is rougher than what those guys did. >> trevor: it is one thing to interrupt the show, don't interrupt with bull shit. that was impressive, have you run through bricks with your

face. >> not me, have i seen people do it. if you want to scare the tort koreans send them jack ass 1 and 2, that shit is scary as [bleep]. north korea will be like these americans are insane. >> trevor: but like. >> it is still impressive. >> it is impressive if you grew up without watching tv. i mean i have seen that, i have seen that act before. >> trevor: those were real, that wasn't like fake, that was real. >> okay, sure, so if north korea decides to invade and destroy america's crumbling infrastructure maybe that would be a bit more worried. but-- . >> trevor: i don't know man, i think it is dated have you found your book yet? >> no, not a lot of choices, st like biden. >> trevor: i don't know why you come to my book shelf to find a book. finally, let's move on to some good news from the animal kingdom. in colorado an elk show got a tire stuck around its neck, nobody hoes how it is happened. maybe it a cross fit, maybe he partied too hard at a toyota thon, maybe that is-- that elk

had a tire stuck around there for two years, and what is amazing is that he didn't seem unhappy about it. this elk was just rolling with it, which makes sense. in the elk world, wearing a tire around your neck practically makes you a wizard, everyone else is a boring elk and this one elk is the quarter of the way to being a jeep, but that came to an end when park rangers were able to get the tire off his neck. although how they did it might not have been the way that the elk would have wanted. >> other our officer dawson swanson was able to sneak within range and make a good shot with his tranquilizer. >> first trying to cut the tire off. >> unfortunately once you get to the steel bead it was really slow going. >> they knew the tranquilizer wouldn't last long on the 600 pound elk so they went with plan b. >> we ended up just cutting the antlers off, pulling the fire up over its head. >> young eddie the elk finally free of that accidental accessory. and don't worry, no antlers, no

problem. >> these animals will grow another set of antlers next year and he will function and live a perfect and healthy life. >> trevor: no, come on. you cut off his antlers, yo, think about it, man. this elk is going to have to wait a whole year for this antlers to grow back, in the meantime he's going to get clowned down at the elk barbershop. elk will be like look at this no antley, shit you bam bee looking ass, you ant got no antlers. >> that was his thing, the tire was his thing, it looked like the elk saw a mounted head elk and said that is the part i need to protect so he wear a robber thing, he survived like two hunting seasons, that was his magic, no, no-- don't take that away from him. >> trevor: all right, that's all the time we have for the headlines. let's move on. >> oh, these are green. man, the whole time i'm trying to figure out your classification system is by color. these are green books.

i get it now. >> trevor: ronny, just take a book and go please, pick the book you're going to go and go. >> can i have this? >> trevor: just go, yeah, take it. go. and. >> and one,. >> trevor: just go. >> thanks, man. >> trevor: go. within i'm going, i'm going. where is the exit? >> trevor: same as the entrance, ronnie. >> okays found it. there, all right, well that's it then. >> trevor: all right, that's all the time we have for the headlines. let's move on to our main story. which is about drought. thanks in part to climate change some parts of america are now dryer than a two day old popeye's biscuit and that could

have huge consequences for everyone, whether you live in those areas or not. and you are about to find out why in another installment of oops we killed the earth. >> water, it is the one snack you can share with a houseplant. water can come from a number of sources. like rainfall, melting snow or ringing out megan fox and machine gun kelly but for years now parts of the american southwest haven't been getting enough water. and lately things have gotten even worse. >> the american west, vast stretches of land, mountains, fields. the ground baking and cracking. nearly half the country in the grips of a mega drought, the worst drought since at least medieval times. >> this is one of the worst if not the worst sort of 22 year period of lean years we've seen. >> a mega drought on steroids fueled by warming and drying from human-caused climate

change. >> for the first time ever the federal government has declared a water shortage on the colorado river. that has triggered mandatory water consumption cuts across the southwest. >> utah's great salt lake is drying up at historic rates as more than 90% of the state is crippled by extreme drought. utah governor spencer cox has declared a state of emergency. and called on people in utah to reduce their water use and pray for rain. >> we need some divine intervention. >> trevor: okay, i know he's desperate but it's not very reassuring when the people in charge are like this is a tough one, i will kick this up to god. but if a politician has to ask for divine intervention at least a mega drought is a good reason. i don't want to hear joe biden go heavenly father we pray for your divine hand to raise that debt ceiling and rid the land of all malarkey. come on man, just do it, man, come on. but you heard what they said. this drought had been going on for 22 years, and counting.

and at some point it is not even fair to call that a drought any more. just live in the desert now. you may want to start praying for rain when you hear about all the effects a drought can have. we have all even the wildfires all over the news the past few months. at this point living in california during the summer is like trying to beat that fire level in mario but the effects of drought go far beyond wildfires because even if your home doesn't get burned down the drought might make sure that it is not powered up. >> these droughts aren't only affecting water supply but also the renewable energy infrastructure that defend-- depends on it. >> california's historic drought, the water level and one reservoir drop sog low it had to shut down its hydroelectric plafnt. >> lake powell is at the lowest level since the '60s and the disam is getting dangerously close to in the being able to produce electricity which would impact more than five million people across the west. >> back at hoover dam, lake mead has dropped so much that it cut

the dam's hydro power output by nearly 25%. at some point the dam could stop producing electricity all together. >> the hoover dam provides enough power to serve 1.3 million across southern california, nevada and arizona. and help keep the lights on in vegas. >> trevor: wow, can you imagine, las vegas without the lights. that would look really sad. instead of just feeling sad and smelling sad and being sad. but yes, the fact is that we need water to make electricity. so if we run out of water, not only will we die of theirs but we wouldn't even have the battery power to go online to bitch about it. some of you are thinking i don't live out west, trevor so this doesn't affect me because i don't care any more because i'm a bad person. you are not just a bad person, you are also a wrong person because when california doesn't have enough water, the whole country will feel the pain. >> the historic drought across the west is already impacting the agriculture industry. cattle ranchers across the u.s. are selling off herds because they cannot afford to feed them

f they can find feed at all. >> you don't have rain you don't have cows, if you don't have feed you can't have cows, so it all boils down to the rain and water. >> perhaps nowhere is the pain more poignant than on the farm. >> california has been going through droughts now for a number of years. and they're not going to go away. >> this is a fallow field where there is not enough water. to plant. no water, so that is the right science. >> this would not just affect the state but the whole country, since over a third of our verge tables and two thirds of our fruits and nuts are grown in california. >> as california's drought gets more severe farmers are now being paid to not grow crops to save water in agricultural areas. >> whoa, farmers are getting paid to not grow crops? i'm never go growing crops and maybe paid me shi iter but that's right a lot of america's food comes from california, almonds, olives, grapes,

avocado, basically if it is in a white person's salad it was grown in california. and that is the lesson here. america is interconnected. the whole country depends on california to provide its food. the same way it depends on wall street to provide its recession. like imagine a world where we can't get any produce from california. then for me how am i going to enjoy my morning bowl of fruit loops. huh? what do you mean there is no fruit in fruit loops. it is in the name. yeah what so you think they are just lying? you are an idiot, man. why would they call it fruit, there is a red fruit and there say green fruit-- so what can be done to avoid living in a world where the produce aisle is empty and we're all forced to talk to tour loved ones because there is no electricity? well, obviously tackling climate change would help but in the meantime droughts stricken areas will have to be more efficient with the water they do have. and that means taking some drastic measures. >> the mega drought has forced los angeles to think outside the

box about what to do if the city's share of imported water dries up. >> one potential source, the city's waste water, what comes from our showers and toilets. l.a. engineers and scientists are working on an ambitious plan that by 2035 to turn l.a.'s waste water into l.a.'s drinking water. >> l.a. mayor eric garcetti couldn't be more kf accident than his pli's plan to go from toilet to tap. >> by 2035 hopefully they will start drinking this, started-- this is vus sad, people are going to be drinking each other's bath water. my condolences to the people of los angeles. and my congrats to the perverts of los angeles. and it's not just bath water. they even have a plan to make toilet water safe to drink. or as it is known internally project dasani. that is the situation. without action this drought could affect the way we eat, the

way we drink and the way we even power our homes. so either we have to come together and dramically change our lives to protect our future, or let's take a cue from the governor of utah and hope we can pray it all away. and i know which one i'm doing. please god, do something about the drought, please, pleat, i don't want to drink toilet water again, pleasek lord, please, i'm begging you. i only want to-- please, lord, please. all right, when we come back, will which black try-- lewis black, and rosario dawson is joining me right here in the

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the daily show, when a news story falls through the crack lewis black catches it for a segment we call back in black. movieses, they're like books but louder. ever since i can remember i have loved going to the movie theater. intentionally burning myself with hot butter and trying to sue the theater. but as much as i like the movies, there is nothing better than seeing one crash and burn. >> the new hollywood release dear evan hanson is inviting internet mockery and an unwelcome reception from critic, not the least over its decision to cast 27 year old ben platt in the role of a high-school student. one reviewer called the age

defying portrayal disturbing while a writer for the guardian wrote the attempt to make platt seem younger show renders him both older and inhuman. an act of near sabotage so distracting it basically renders the movie run he-- unrecoverable. >> you are telling me he is supposed to be 17 in i'm pretty sure i saw this guy at a strip club in the '80s. and nothing against that, he is talented. i'm sure he would be a fantastic lead in a movie about a guy going back to school for his second masters degree. but i find it very hard to believe this kid recently grew his first pube. it doesn't matter how good an actor he is. if i see anybody that old in a high school parking lot, i'm calling the cops. and yes, i am also in the parking lot. not because i'm a creep. i'm just there to sell them beer. so let's be fair to dear evan hanson. hollywood has a long history of trying to make its stars appear younger. and an equally long history of

failing at it. >> when you see the next will smith and robert de niro movies you may be shocked to see the actors looking decades younger. >> the irishman drew attention for its extensive use of digital technology to deage the actors. allowing de niro and others to appear to be decades younger. at age 76, he's joked that the technology will allow him to prolong his career indefinitely. >> yeah, digital technology, a force so powerful it almost gave lebron james the ability to act. and while the irishman was able to make de mir to-- de niro's face 30 years younger, there was one small issue. >>. his body was still old as shit. look at him trying to beat up that guy. the tinman is watching that scene going and i thought my joints were [bleep] up. if you ask me the most impressive thing about this scene isn't the cgi, it is the actor who is pretending to be injured by de niro's orthopedic shoes. and this is the problem

with trying to-- at a certain point t just doesn't work. i mean yes, robert de niro is one of the greatest living actors. the man is 70, of course he is going to move like cp3o with shingles but as badly as dear evan hanson and the eye --man failed, at least they put in an effort. because the truth is sometimes hollywood is too lazy to use weird makeup or cgi effects to deage their actors. sometimes they just throw an old person in there and hopes nobody notices. hannah montana's brother was a 29 year old 16 year old. sony and rizzo were twice as old as a high school teenager. and those girls in 10:15 must be like what, 35? my point is hollywood has done this for pretty much every actor in the entertainment district. it is desperate, it is embarrassing. and god dam it, i want in. that's why i made a real

showcasing just how young i can pull off. roll it. >> dude, i just saw kyle's particularitiy tok, mrs. greenfield tossed busted from failing algebra, that is so raven. >> i don't want to go to soccer-- soccer practice. i just want to stay home and watch-- lollipop. >> will someone pleetion give this poor baby a kitty? >> hollywood, i'll be waiting. >> trevor: thank you so much for that, lewis. when we come back the one and only rosario dawson will be joining me right here. joining me right here. so don't g

ty burrell: to live... is to ask the big questions. like... whoah! how fast was that serve? 98 miles per hour... wow. how far was that drive? nice. are you taking an ecg here!? and you're taking one here? are you taking an ecg at a birthday party? hi. how'd you sleep? and why are you checking your blood oxygen level? oooooh there's your answer. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

this wasn't an old bear, it was like a bear squatch. dad, what's a bear squatch? it's a cross between a bear and a sas... it's made up. -he's usually sleeping. -he'll never sleep again. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. here's a good halloween trick. buy a bunch of reese's. (uh huh, there you go) turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah)

( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's. somewhere out west a lone river does run. it carves and cuts and clears its own path and the work is never done. so follow the lone river, where the agave heart does beat, follow the lone river, if you can stand the heat for you can hear the river calling if there's a freedom that you seek. the same goes if you're thirsty and just want a cold drink. lone river ranch water >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, my guest is actor and producer ross ar yoo disawson. she is here to talk about her

new series on hulu that looks at the opioid crisis in america. >> agent spellman told me that the reason we can't pursue an oxycontin case is that there is no cartel to go after, the drug is here legally and opioids are now widely accepted in the medical community. but i believe i found the cartel. >> oh, you have. >> yes, sir. i even have their address. 201 trevor boulevard, stanford, connecticut. that is the main headquarters of purduu farme,-- perdue farmar-- pharma they are the makers of the cartel. >> oh, that is-- where is the lie. let's jump straight into it. congratulations on the new series. >> thank you. >> it feels less like a fiction and more just like a documentary to be honest with you. >> yeah, yeah, danny, i think did an interesting kind of amalgamation of mixing real life personas and sort of caricatures of people. my character is sort of a

positive multiple different people, so there were scenes where he would just say one of these people that your character is based on, this is word for word what happened in the meeting whichs with very chilling. and that particular person when reached out to for those scenes did not want to feap in this story. so that definitely spoke volumes to me, that i couldn't interview her. because of how devastating going after this case was for her personally. >> are you serious? >> uh-huh. >> trevor: if you had said to me at any point in time that giant pharmaceutical company would be found guilty of purposefully getting people addicted to their product, but that then created this giant drug epidemic, i would think oh we're going to see people marching away in handcuffs, you're going to see this giant shutting down of the company. and as you go through in the show, i love that you show the inner workings of how money from the right sources can fix anything. >> not just that but looking at the time frame. like there is a whole thing that

gets revealed a little bit later, but for a lot of people know and remember that giuliani was the lawyer of perdue pharma after 9 s 11. he could do no wrong, the political darling at the time, no one was going to cross him, there were so many different moments where you see really good people have very important information and still not necessarily make the right choice. because of pressure. so it comes from so meab different angles. and i think the human tragedy of this is all the human error that went into it. and i hope that what has been the lasting conversation of like the narrative that came from perdue pharma that the real evil people are the addicted people who are ruining it for real paying people who really have pain. that i really hope that that shifts, that narrative changes because the only people putting money behind the narrative has been perdue and for the first time hulu, disney they're really putting energy. someone is saying dopesick posters everywhere, this is the counter narrative we have been waiting for for a long time to

break away from that stigma and start leading with more compassion and energy exoords the addicted and all the people involved in this terrible fight. >> you have a personal connection to this, i know you have spoken about how meab members of your family have struggled with opioids and the afteraffects of the addiction there-of. so when you are telling the story, is there a part of you that looks for the cath ar thinks, is in a part that goes i need to tell the story for more than just acting sake. >> my heart is racing because literally when i was walking over and turning off my phone, airplane mode, being responsible, one of my family members who was, his whole life was de terred because of heroin, he just texted me that he is watching it. and it is so interesting because he is a huge reason as to why i wanted to do this project. a lot of people, we shot this in virginia, have very personal connections to the story. and i am just, that is why my heart is racialing right now. because i just sat down. that was the last thing i just read. it's weird, i don't know why i

am surprised about that. i wasn't expecting him to watch it. i don't know why, i was doing it from thinking about the experience and my life and my, like so many things that have come from it i talked with the belt who wrote the book doachsick, her next books with on harm reduction, my mom was one of the persons know in manhattan and lower east side handed ing out clean needles specifically because of people like this family member. because it was a very stigma advertised practice but was really necessary. and now after all these years people see how help tfl has been in stopping the spread of hiv and aids and other std's. so again all of those things made me want to do this and still wasn't expected to get that tefntle i can't wait to get the text later to see what he thinks. >> do you think glowing-- growing up in a family of activists, i think a lot of people these days use activists in their twitter bio, hashtag activist and i guess they have good intentions but there is an activism that is on the ground.

you know, your family was part of that. >> i was interested to read about your clothing brand, and i was just like this is an interesting model. i have seen very few brands where they say no, this thing is made by africans with africans in africa, there is the thing, it seems harder, first of all. it seems a lot harder. >> yes. >> but it seems like there say purpose behind it. so talk to me about that journey and why you chose to go with, in my opinion, the hardest way to create african clothing. >> well, so i'm, you know, partners are everything. and i met this wonderful woman when we were teenagers. and he went into fashion, and he wanted to be able to figure out how you can do fashion and social change. he was talking about social enterprise and social business. so building into your business the structure that recognizes people along the supply chain and all of that. when i took this to the vrc with

d day which was opening the city of joy there, we saw what it meant and when you invest in community and invest in people who are going through hardship t is not charity, it is work. and you give them the disig knit of that work and to be able to put their own children through school. that is what we wanted to do. why made it italy has this reference and those tailors and seam tress have been able to impact your communities, when you see something made in africa, it is considered, you know, a charity, you know, and the quality isn't appreciated, you know, we're saying oh, that is fashion, this is slow, quality fashion, this is not ruining the world trk is ethical, sustainable, all these beautiful things. we want something that says made in africa to be considered to have the same quality as something made in italy or some place else. >> trevor: as someone made in africa i appreciate that. i really dork thank you very much. >> absolutely. >> trevor: and congratulations on sth new show on hulu.

i hope when people watch this it will shape their views not just on addiction but on the people without have been allowed to perpetrate that addiction. thank you very much. thanks for joining me on the show. the first three ep todays are available rate now on hulu. we have to take a quick break but will be right back after i know things. barks it's under the couch driver or 3-wood? 3-wood. we want to retire early and need a health plan. my parent's plan won't cover me anymore. where can i get a health plan? at healthmarkets, they search many of the nations most recognized carriers so they can help you find the right plan at the right price that's the right fit for you. how long does it take? healthmarkets can help you find a plan in minutes. i'm between jobs. no matter where you are in life, healthmarkets can help you find your right fit and help you get what you qualify for. how much does it cost? healthmarkets service is free and has helped americans get enrolled in over 5-million policies. barks

it's under the couch. it's always under the couch. and you can always count on healthmarkets to find a health plan fit for you. don't wait. save time. find the plan that fits you. call the number on your screen, or visit healthmarkets.com

show for tonight but before we go please consider supporting the national indigenous women's resource center, a native led nonprofit organization dedicated to ending violence against native women and children by offering culturally grounded resources, technical assistance and training. and policy development to strengthen tribal sovereignty. so if you want to support them in this work, please donate at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there. get your vaccine, and remember, if you are looking for a halloween costume don't go as the tire elk, i call dibs on that one. here it is, your moment of zen. >> beam him up, scotty, or in this case, bezos, right. >> beam me up scottie. >> i'm hoping nor a beam me up scotty, right. >> well, beam me up, scotty. >> beam me up, scotty. >> beam me up bezos. >> beam me up, jeff bezos. >> couldn't he have just beamed himself up. >> captain kirk said scotty, beam me up, not beam me up

scotty. i learned yesterday that that famous line was never actually said, not once in any of the star wars franchise. >> strar trek. >> star strek, did captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by medi - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [school bell rings] - good morning, children. mr. garrison is away today. i am your substitute teacher, mr. wyland. - oh, sweet, dude. substitute teacher. - now, i understand that some students in this class

like to mess with substitute teachers, but if we all behave and respect each other, i'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. let's start with roll call. let's see, mm, eric cartman? - here. [all laugh] - all right, and how about stan marsh? - [muffled] here. [all laugh] - it's not that funny, you guys. jesus. - okay, and where is kenny mccormick? - here. [hysterical laughter] - oh! [laughs] ow! - dude, what the hell was that? - oh, oh, dude, you know when you're laughing so hard that the milk comes out your nose? oh, man. - dude, you weren't drinking any milk. - huh? - you have to be drinking milk for that to happen. - not with me, man. - all right, look, why don't we skip roll call? here's what we're gonna do today. i've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days, kyle broflovski? - he's faking. - well, i've been told that in mr. garrison's absence,

our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for kyle, so i've got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it. all: aw. - he's faking. [children chattering] - kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too. - but i don't want kyle to get well. i hate kyle. - i don't care. get down here and do it. - hey, watch it. hey, what are you doing? - now, that's a get-well card. [all laugh] - [laughs] - mr. garrison, after a very careful review, the school board believes that you should take a hiatus from teaching indefinitely. - what? - frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting. - did you know that not one of your students knew who sam adams was? - well, who cares about a guy that makes beer? jesus christ, i'm trying to teach history. - frankly, mr. garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about. it's your somewhat substantial police record. - pfft. oh, whatever. - mr. garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor--

- that was not me. that was mr. hat. - all we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until this little "child molestation" thing dies down a bit. - gentlemen, teaching is all i know. it is the air that i breathe. - we're sorry, mr. garrison. we have no choice. - very well. i guess i'm not a teacher anymore. i suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun. - mr. garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun. - oh, so i can keep it then? - [babbles] - kyle? stan and his mother came over to visit you. - hello, sweetie. - dude, you can stop faking now. we got a substitute teacher. - [babbles] - kyle? - they say it's his kidneys. kyle always has been a diabetic, and lately, his kidneys have just been shutting down. - well, the kids at school made you a card, kyle. look. - go on, butters. - i don't want to. - butters, go on. - oh, all right then. ♪ we're so sorry you're not feeling well ♪ ♪ we hope you're better soon ♪

♪ so we're brining you some sunshine ♪ ♪ by singing you this tune ♪ ♪ everybody misses you ♪ ♪ and though we hate to cause a fuss ♪ ♪ we'd like to say, "get well soon" ♪ ♪ and please don't die on us ♪ [air hisses] - [babbles] - dude, you really are sick, huh? - i don't know, i-- - i don't know what to do, sharon. they want to have him go into surgery, but that's so dangerous. - sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? they work wonders. i read all about it in people. - really? in people? - there's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods. it's run by this fascinating woman named miss information. - oh, well, with a name like miss information, she must know something. - why don't we at least take kyle down there and see what she has to say? - okay. i'll get our coats. - [babbles] - can i go now? - i don't know what i'm going to do, mackey. teaching is all i know. - mkay, well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do. - i've always wanted to write a novel. - well, there you go, mkay? - but i never know what to write about. - well, that's easy. write about what you know.

write about what you love. what do you love most? - besides teaching? - yes. - poontang. - mm--mkay? - i can't help it. i'm a womanizer sometimes, i know, but i just think that taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world. - well, that settles it, mr. garrison. what you need to do is go write a great romance novel. - yes, that's it. i am going to write the great american romance novel. [sitar music] - you see, the reasons our bodies fail is because of toxins. - toxins? - all the horrible food we eat, the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system. western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper. - wow, that's amazing, miss information. - do you hear that, kyle? you don't need surgery after all. - [coughs] - excuse me, but what do these toxins look like? - what? - have you ever actually seen a toxin? - don't be a smart-ass, stanley.

- mrs. broflovski, we'd like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney. i have these excellent herbs from local native americans. - ooh, native americans. now, they know how to heal the body spiritually. - [babbles] [coughs] - "out on the balcony "when reginald kissed diana's lips, "her knees went weak. "slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts." oh, yeah. now this is getting good. "just the sight of those breasts "made reginald's penis very hard. "his penis was of considerable size, "and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis, "making it glisten like a strong swimmer "fresh from out of the pool. "it was a fantastic penis "that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, "yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. "what a grand, grand penis. diana's nipples--" uh, let's see. "diana's nipples--" oh, writer's block. writer's block. hmm. crap! i'm stuck. oh, well. maybe that's enough writing for tonight, mr. hat.