i don't know. i have no idea. i don't understand. well, for a minute there, i saw myself selling my house, moving to costa rica, learning how to surf. but costa rica will still be there... when i'm 65. okay, here's what's strange to me, when did we get to the point when they tell us about movies two years ahead of time? am i the only person who thinks this is weird and crazy? marvel came out today and said "black panther" is delayed from july 2022 to november and "ant-man" is coming out in 2023. i couldn't buy the tickets, i didn't plan anything. when did this become a thing? i found myself being stressed about a thing i never used to get stressed about -- "black panther" is moving -- i never used to think about that.

they've gotten to the point where they think we're planning the day as well, it's happening in 2023. i don't know where i'm going to be. weddings people don't know about. maybe one person will say, i was going to get married but that's the day "black panther" comes out. michael, when are we getting married? depends on what hps if in wa wa conda. i believe our relation is not as important as it should be. >> not as important as the "black panther." >> coming to you from times square, the most important place on earth, "the daily show." tonight, jordan klepper is rallying! and eve! this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: hey! what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. joining me is my good man roy wood, jr. what's going on?

>> what's happening, african. how you been, bro? >> trevor: it's been crazy how everyone has been jumping into the show. i thought i would invite people, otherwise i would get surprised. i thought i would tell people to come and we'll have fun together. >> i just saw this table and thought this would be a good place to set up the chicken sandwich. >> trevor: are you eating popeyes on the show? >> yeah. >> trevor: why are you doing it with a knife andphoric? >> because there are cameras. >> trevor: let's do the headlines. don't chew loudly. >> all right. >> trevor: all right, let's begin with a crazy story out of texas. the junk in america's trunk. texas is one of the many states where schools have been cracking down on critical race theory, which i actually agree on. if black people want to learn about racism in texas, they will have to do it the old fashion

way, by trying to vote. just so you understand, texas lawmakers were against teachers telling students america's inns togs were founded on white supremacy, and instead saying if a class presents a topic they must present all sides without saying who's right or wrong. last week a school official went beyond what law requires telling people being fair to everyone really does mean everyone. >> make sure if you have a book on the holocaust, you have one that has other -- >> holocaust? how do you oppose the holocaust? >> i know. believe me, that's come up. >> trevor: you can't teach the a posing view of the holocaust. that's facebook's job. stay in your lane, teachers! telling teachers to present opposing perspectives isn't just bad from an education point of view, it's making teachers do twice as much work which isen

fair. if you're going to teach totally opposing views, then the classroom should at least have a teacher who's the evil version of that teacher. you have a mario and a wario. kids, lincoln was the great emancipator. nuh-uh, that bitch got what he deserved! i will be honest, ontopose teaching theories for everything, i i just wish they would have had this pomsy when i was in school. you say i have homework, mr. davenport but i say that's bullshit. who's to say who's right? >> here's a bigger question -- do we have to keep texas as a state? why does every state have to remain a state? we should be able to revote on texas the same way -- just trade out texas, give us puerto rico, don't even have to change the plan. >> trevor: you want to vote out texas? >> what would we miss? texas toast, dallas cowboys,

beyonce, and then that way texas already they own queen. that, but i think you might start a war. used the other side stuff? the spelling bee. if we're going to talk about who lost, who should have won, me, spelling bee, central park elementary, fourth grade, misspelled coleslaw. >> trevor: how did you spule it? >> cold slaw. ( laughter ) true story, why are you laughing. >> trevor: that's not a bad spelling. >> if you never heard of cold slaw, we should rewrite history. i won the spelling bee. you know what they gave the white boy? mountain. i heard of a mountain, never cold slaw. would go good with this sandwich, though. >> trevor: i feel you there, man. moving on to a story out of china, the country hogging most of asia.

it was discovered china tested a hyper sonic missile that flew around the world -- get this -- in space before landing back on earth. around the world in less than a day, by the way, which means china invented santa claus technology in real life. an expert was shocked because one u.s. intelligence official said "we have no idea how they did this," which is not something you want to hear from intelligence officials. at the very least, they should have just pretended that they weren't caught unawares. yeah, yeah, we totally know how this happened, but why don't you tell us first? how do you think it happened? why don't you tell us, please? yeah, this is definitely another step in the global militarization of space. personally, i don't know why america doesn't start some sort of space military. what's that? it did? oh -- and i said it was going to be as effective as mike pence in

an orgy. doesn't sound like me. it missed its target by two dozen miles, which is not great for a missile. speed is important but so is accuracy. you're saying bowe wouldn't have won as many medals if he would have just sprinted into the stands. this has people concerned especially about china's growing military capabilities. if you ask china, they don't want to seem they want us to worry at all. >> china's foreign minister said the launch in august involved a spacecraft, not a missile, and said it's nothing more than a routine test to see if that spacecraft could be reused. >> trevor: just a spacecraft? i don't know, guys, the last time china said it was just allergies, and look at what happened. and by the way, even if it is just a spacecraft, what difference is that going to make? because if a spacecraft crashes into my house, i'm not going to be, like, well, at least it

wasn't a missile. still dead but i feel way better. >> who is responsible for checking up on china? earth, we need a better homeowners association but china is basically the neighbor that's always shooting fireworks into the air and all that stuff. >> trevor: they're cig killing the game. >> you can't behave like that. somebody that is to say, hey, i don't know if you know but china is shooting the missiles again, can someone say something to china please. the other thing about the missile schit, why are you shooting missiles in space? if they don't come back, the aliens will not say, which one of you countries shot at us, no, everybody did because the crazy neighbor shot a bullet. you want to test a missile, shoot it into the ocean. we know what's in the ocean, godzilla, mothra and the two sharks ll cool j was fighting.

>> trevor: final story from new zealand, aka wakanda from white people. it has natural beauty, ancient sullture and how its flag looks like it's on a zoom call with britain's club. i love how quirky it could be, for more than 20 years the city of christchurch has had an official wizard, and he's paid around 11,000 u.s. dollars a year to be the official wizard of christ church. which is a weird salary when you think about it. $11,000 is way too high for a guy who's not really a wizard but also way too low for a real wizard. if a guy can turn me into a frog, he can name his price. but christ church says he no longer fits the city's image and is going to let him. go he's definitely not happy because he's had the job for so long and as he made clear a

while ago, he definitely deserves it. >> i'm the only wizard in the world who has any reason to be called a wizard, i have been trained in university, appointed by chancellor and as 1990 appointed by the government as a real wizard. i'm not some idiot wearing a hat and taking to drugs: ( laughter ) okay, to be honest, i feel like this whole thing would be less weird if this guy was on drugs. i get that he doesn't want to be associated with people who drop too much acid, but at least they have an excuse. i feel bad for the other wizard standing by him. he's, like, i'm not a burnt out loser moron like doug. doug, what a loser you are. >> that bitch ain't a wizard. if he was a wizard his first spell would be a pay raise! that (~bleep~) makes 11,000. how are you a wizard on food

stamps? how are you a wizard on food stamps? roll call-ass wizard. he's a broke-ass wizard. you went to wizard school and now have all them student loans. that's why harry potter made tall the movies to pay the student loans. is lord of the rings and harry potter the same universe. >> no, roy, it's not. >> what was i watching? would you mind -- not having the camera on me? >> my bad. >> trevor: i'll just do this -- i won't even look at you. >> appreciate it. >> trevor: all right, but let's move on to our top story, it's about congress, the site of america's most powerful jowls. the democrats are still trying to pass two major bills one for infrastructure and one that tackles climate change to healthcare to childcare to

college, which means there's a a lot of stress and bickering and drama. in other words, it's the perfect story to cover in another installment of keeping up with the congressians. ♪♪ ♪♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: all right! what's going on, squad? it's me your bestie talking the gossip here with all the latest dish from the hottest city in the world, washington, d.c.! and right now the d.c. stands for democratic cluster (~bleep~) oooh, did i curse? spank me, daddy. it has been weeks since our last episode and the democrats still haven't passed their bills. can you believe it? president biden just keeps having secret meetings with the democrats, and they won't spill the tea on what they're talking about. the same way how jerry told me to never tell anybody about how he cried during dear even hansen. your secret is safe with me,

jerry, i've got your back. anyway, time is running out to pass those bills, and that means everyone is getting stressed, af. >> president biden on the road today trying to watchet up pressure on members of his own party to bridge deep divides and pass hid ambitious proposal to the country's safety net. >> top advisors have grown impatient with the pace to have the talks. >> democrats on the hill are starting to say we need joe biden to step in. >> but president biden is confident they will get it across the finish lion. >> i've told you before what my neurosurgeon said years ago when i had the aneurysm, he said, senator, your problem is you're a congenital optimists. but i'm convinced we're going to get it done. >> joe biden, your brain is broken and i love it! but yes right now the democrats are moving slower than my goddam

postmates order! where is it? i understand the frustration. it's just a bill. it shouldn't take half the life span of a pug! daddy's doing a segment. benifer. you're talking about the democrats, they need to make sure to take time the tbhail're writing disappoints everybody. get a lean cuisine. the real reason it's taking so long is joe manchin. he's taking a wig old axe to the build back better bill and this week going after the one thing that could keep the icebergs alive. >> the "new york times" reporting the $150 billion clean electricity program is now effectively dead. >> conservative democratic senator joe manchin announces opposition to a central program in president biden's clean energy vaned that would replace coal and gas pour planets with

wind and solar energy. west virginia is a leader in coal and gas production. the senator owns stock valued at more than $1 million in a coal brokerage firm he founded and made nearly half a million in diff sends just last year according to the "new york times." >> joe mentioned you're a dirty dog and i'm here for it. get your money, joe. this was a no brainer. how can we expect the man to fix climate change if it costs him money? would you ask zoom to help end the covid pandemic? no, they're probably the ones that started it. i'm on to you, bitch! and manchin isn't just gutting the climate change, he also wants to limit the child tax credit to families earning $60,000 or less. 60-grand was not make you rich. you know what does make you rich? love. that's why

the democrats hate joe manchin's cut but they need his vote so the bill keeps getting smaller and smaller. like your testicles, jerry. did the doctors find out why? doesn't matter, your secret is safe with me, jerry. keep me posted here. anyway, nobody is more pissed off about manchin's demands than bernie sanders. if bernie had his way the bill would be 30 bazileian dollars and going to the doctor would be completely free. wild idea. you're crazy, bernie, i can't get enough of you. their beef has broken out into the open and we're all getting a look. >> the leaders of the parties liberal and moderate wings spent much of the weekend at each others' throats. first this op-ed from bernie sanders in west virginia's biggest newspaper, says poll after poll shows overwhelming support for this legislation,

two democratic senators remain in opposition including senator joe manchin. >> manchin shot back, this isn't the first time an out of stater has tried to tell west virginias what is best with them despite having no relationship to our state ." >> oooh, bernie and joe are at each other's throat. the claws are out, rar! but i get why joe is upset about this, coming into his neighborhood and writing an op-ed in his hometown newspaper, you don't see joe going to the mall and slapping the ben and jerries out of bernie's mouth. it's rich when joe has been writing op-eds in america. i saw an op-ed mentioned in the last fortune kooky i i opened. maybe there would be more fresh for joe manchin to support the bill if the public was begging for it. but this bill is like a chicken nugget.

nobody knows what's inside. >> senator bernie sanders put out a statement this weekend blaming the media as the main reason for why americans don't know what's in the build back better plan. he wrote, at the top to have the list is the reality that the mainstream media has done an exceptionally poor job in covering what sks actually is in the legislation. there have been endless stories about the politics of passing build back better, the role of the president, the conflicts in the house and senate, the opposition of two senators, the size to have the bill and very limited coverage as to what the provisions of the bill are and the crises for working people that they address. >> you know one thing you're not talking about if you're talking about the media? what's in the bill! >> correct! >> trevor: oh, bernie is mad at the media and i am part of the problem! ( applause ) look, maybe some of the media is a little bit catty. guilty! but come on, bernard, it's not all the media's fault that nobody knows what's in this

bill. half the time the democrats talk about it they call it the reconciliation bill. that name is so boring i feel i fell asleep halfway through the first word and i'm on cocaine! i swear the democrats are the worst at branding. if they invented hershey's kisses they would have called them little poop drops. i'm not eating those. that's where everything stands. everyone is trying to figure out how to salvage this thing before it's too late. they better hurry because if they don't pass anything, they're going to lose a lot of votes next year. of course, jerry couldn't vote in the first place because he's undocumented. he's been using a dead man's social security number this whole time. oh, what a crazy story. don't worry, j erie, we won't tell anyone. we love you, jerry. all right, i've got to go to the little boys room and make a tinkle. when "the daily show" comes about, jordan klepper is going to talk about a trump rally. we'll be right back. so much fun. they're deporting jerry!

that's classic jerry. you're so classic jerry. he's so wild. he's so crazy. oh, i miss him, already. eshed with get another jerry, yeah? this time taller maybe.

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♪♪ ♪♪ the next presidential election is barely over 1100 days away, and that means donald trump is back on the road doing rallies. and that means jordan klepper is back on the road attending those rallies. for another episode of jordan klepper fingers the pulse. ♪♪ ♪♪ >> i'm back. my first trump rally since january 6th, 2021, a day no one will ever forget unless you're a republican member of congress. yes, trump is gathering people once again, so i headed to my

favorite iowa state capitol where the crowd was ready to proclaim trump i don't know and trump won and trump won and rides a tank, and even though trump won, they're hoping he runs again. >> hey, we're in the hawkeye state. >> the last guy hasn't conceded yet. >> i have some choice words for especially our vice president but i'm trying to be civil stood, so... >> my last trump rally was january 6th. have you seen any tbal lows go up anywhere? >> nope. >> do you think mike pence will show up or does he not want to hang? >> i think he would be afraid to show up here today. >> trevor: why. >> because he was a coward. he didn't do the right thing. >> or these people tried to kell him. >> no, i don't think they'd try to kill him. >> the maga faithful showed their support for the former president pt with all the normal ways, confederate flags and a rap tore with a machine gun.

>> people say, trumpers are a cult. we are not a cult. we are a group of americans that love our country and want it back. >> trevor: any of hits for things you hope he goes back to? >> whatever he spews out of his mouth, i just love it. >> trevor: doesn't matter what he says? >> yeah, i love being here. we're going to love hearing what he has to say. >> trevor: this isn't a cult? >> i don't think so. >> not a cult at all. not like they would almost rather piss themselves than misa second of the donald's speech. but if they're looking forward to trump's 2024 campaign, what are the big issues. >> the top of the border crisis. >> that's completely being brushed under the rug. >> you're from iowa. >> yes. >> you worry about people coming from minnesota? >> um -- >> trump's potential campaign would also be about healing the broken nation caused by the

current biden administration. >> obviously, the administration is doing all it can to pit each other against each other. >> every way, shape and form they're trying to divide it. >> it's like this administration is giving the middle finger to half the country. >> the whole country. >> that's wrong. >> absolutely. >> we shouldn't be giving the middle finger to half the country. >> right. >> we should be loving one another and working tot. >> we should be working together. doesn't matter what your opinions are we can still be civil and be this great country we're supposed to be or we were at one point in time. >> yeah, doing this is childish. >> yes. i've had people stop talking to me for my views. >> you should show respect. >> yes. >> what's going on with your shirts? >> i think they speak for themselves, do they not? >> why doesn't someone want to engage with that. >> that's right. >> this is like the ramp welcome sign, right? maybe the most surprising moment is when i ran into an old friend i thought i would never sy

again. the q's back. q was more popular than ever. is that a q. >> yeah. >> are you a q supporter. >> yeah. >> wasn't q's whole thing trump would be reinstated as president? >> he's never left. no doubt in my mind, 150,000 percent. >> trevor: that he's still president of the united states. >> yeah. >> trevor: really? does he still holds the powers of the presidency? >> well, he's been flying around the world on air force one, says something. >> trevor: i thought joe biden is technically on air force one. >> no. >> trevor: they're faking it. >> yeah, it's not even a presidency. >> trevor: who is running the government now. >> president trump. >> trevor: he's running the government. >> and the military. >> trevor: and he's running the military? so we should blame him for what happened in afghanistan. >> no. >> trevor: but it's still his fault. >> it's way beyond my -- >> trevor: understanding. >> i don't -- i -- >> trevor: thank you for taking with me, george. enjoyed seeing current president trump. so q is telling them trump is

still the president and also where to park their cars. a lot of characters here today. we have a woman directing traffic wearing a q anon shirt. she's also inspecting cars and for make believe pedophile rings. we have an interesting take on who's behind the january 6th insurrection. >> antifa, the corrupt f.b.i., basically rinos for politicians, the deep state, all that. >> i don't believe it was people like me and people like you see over there in that crowd that did it. >> trevor: who was behind it? >> f.b.i., c.i.a., antifa were used, other groups like that. >> trevor: seemed like a lot of them were going into the capitol to attack nancy pelosi and perhaps hang -- >> who? which one? the one with the bull horns? he's not a trump supporter. i don't care what his resume says, he's not a trump supporter. in fact, do you remember the picture of the plane in

afghanistan with all the people running next to it? that was a balloon plane. if you look at pictures of the real plane, there's pieces missing from the real plane to that plane. >> trevor: you're saying there is a conspiracy around the afghanistan withdrawal. >> no i'm saying there's one guy who ran. only one guy who turned to the camera and waved his hands. do you remember that? he's the guy with the horns on his hat. >> trevor: he was in afghanistan. >> yes, look at the pictures. >> trevor: i think he's in jail now. >> no, who who's going to -- >> trevor: we have to find pictures of the horned guy in the background of old civil war photos or painting of the revolutionary war. >> the picture looks like him. >> trevor: can mesh's old democracy survive the 2024 campaign? maybe this guy knows. >> trevor: thank you so much for that. whfn we come back, the one

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with any stthat's why. only at awe love visible. yeah, it's wireless with unlimited data and if you join a group it's as low as $25/mo. just get together and save! we look goooood! visible. wireless that gets better with friends. my guest tonight is grammy-award winning songwriter & artist, eve. she's here to talk about her groundbreaking career and starring in the new abc drama “queens.” >> you mad? still jealous. >> everybody shut up before i put you both in a time out and you can forget about ipads. >> what? >> you flew to l.a. to finish a fight fromo 20 years ago? i'm sorry, that's ridiculous. >> it is. >> listen, yo. y'all are here which means you heard the song. now since it's dropped everybody has been asking about y'all. muffin is my artist. she's closing out the b.t. awards this sunday. i want you to perform with her. >> i'm a mom, i don't rap

anymore. >> that's a 50k haul for each of you. >> trevor: eve, welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. excited to be here. >> trevor: i'm excited to have you. i should start with a congratulations that's almost prophetic from the clip which is i'm a mom. >> i'm a mom. >> trevor: congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: you've shared so much of your story of how hard it was for you to conceive and how long it took for you to get to this place, you must be over the moon. >> no, it's crazy. there are days when i'm like i can't believe i am, and i am beyond happy. i need a new word for happy. it's nuts. >> trevor: what is the best thing that you've experienced? or rather has what is the most unpredictable thing? no one warned you but you're feeling it in your body and your mind, whatever it may be. >> people don't talk about a lot, i have to say that. but i will say i will go back to the best thing is -- well, when i first started feeling fluters, i thought it was gas.

this is tmi, but the pregnant ladies do know you get a little gassy in the beginning so i thought it was gas. now it felt better and better, now they're stronger and stronger and i feel like we can talk. >> trevor: so beautiful. >> women are amazing. >> trevor: you really are. >> really are. it's cool. >> trevor: congratulations, and clacks on your other baby which is "queens." >> yes, yes, this "queens" is ridiculous, it's a roller coalitioner of emotion but amazing. the music is sick and everybody in it, they're incredible. >> trevor: you were the first lady of the rough riders. >> yeah. >> trevor: it's a world you created and now the story is full circle. you're playing a less successful version of a character of yourself. was this nostalgic? uh was it like man, this is an ultimate world that sort of feels real? >> the first week and a half i was freaking out because i was, like, how can i play brianna when i feel this is my life?

i come from the '90s, i am a rapper. i'm the mother of four bonus children, the fifth one on the way, this is weird and i'm a rapper. it took me at least about the second week where i found her voice, where i found the actual character's voice. but there are definitely parallels, and honestly i would have not taken a role like this a few years ago at all. for me, acting was acting and my music was hi music and i didn't want to mesh the two, but for some reason, this script, i hear magee who is the writer, ep and creator, this script is so good, i couldn't turn away. >> trevor: you have been on this ride that we have been on with you for so many years and it was hip-hop and we watched you step into the acting game and you killed it every time. you moved to the u.k. >> yes. >> trevor: living in london. >> right. >> trevor: and eve is back in this mix. whenwhen you look at this chara, and this story is it really fun,

what do you think it is about this show that's connecting with so many people? what do you think it is about it that makes people say, yeah, this is what i want to watch. it makes me feel good. >> one, '90s hip-hop -- i'm shore, hip top is great all the time but '90s hip-hop -- >> trevor: here we go! >> but '90s and 2000s hip-hop, there was a movement, a pureness, a uniqueness. there were so many crews and so much -- i don't know the energy at that time was great, and that for me with this show, i was, like, if we can capture that, people who know about that time will love this show, but also it's not just the music. it's the women. like our stories are so complex, there's a lot going on for all of us. within us individually but then as women just coming back together and having a sisterhood. and also not fighting with each other.

not being, like, i'm the only one. no, we are a sisterhood, and, yeah, it just feels really nice, yeah. >> trevor: let's talk about that '90s hip-hop versus today's hip-hop. every generation loves its hip-hop. >> yeah, and i try not to sound old saying it. >> trevor: but i think everybody has the hip-hop that there's the hip-hop that shaped your life. >> definitely. >> trevor: so i wonder, when you look at hip-hop today, forgetting, like, better or worse, what to you see that's different? there's got to be something that you say i envy that element of hip-hop, and then one part that says i'm glad i'm not around for that part. >> what i envy is you don't need a label, you don't need a co-signer, you can get out there and find your people the way you want to. i envy that, i love that. what i don't is -- there's a lot overclones. i feel like, back in the day,

uniqueness was celebrated. >> right. >> trevor: and i think, now, there's a lot of the sameness, and that, to me, i'm just, like, it makes it boring, a lot of the time, for me. not everyone, because there are some dope artists out there that i actually really do love. >> trevor: yeah. >> but yeah. >> trevor: how did you stay you? >> oooh, child -- >> trevor: in your day there was so much a&, are, so many people saying this is what it should be. when eve came out, i had not seen any rapper like that. i loved lil' kim, rod digger, so many female hip-hop artists, it was different, but you stayed you. i would like to know how you did that. >> i got lucky. rough riders never tried to change me. they tried to cover me up. they didn't want me naked. they would say, put on this vest. if i had on a tank top, they

would be, like, put on a rough rider vest. they allowed me to be me. i hustled with the guys. if we were in the stewed grow 24 hours, i was in the studio 24 hours, and they just allowed me to be me. that being said, execs when i would go into meetings, they would be, like, you should do this, bring this down, or who are you dating? you shouldn't be dating them. so it wasn't from the rough riders, it was more from the execs' side. but i held on to it. >> trevor: congratulations. >> thank you. >> trevor: congratulations on your next journey on the screen and in life and hopefully we'll see you back in the show. >> yes. >> trevor: "queens" premieres october 19 at 10:00 p.m. on abc. watch it, we'll see why everybody is so excited. we'll take a get pumped fans, because basketball's back! and our league pass lineup is totally stacked. forty games a week, all season long, on all your devices,

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>> trevor: until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your season and remember, if you're studying for a test in texas, just write "both sides have good points." you're going to get straight a haves. now, here it is... your moment of zen. >> so, today -- today, all of these predictable stories that dominate our national discourse, the mess in washington, the soaring prices, the spending craziness, well, they're all taking a back seat to a front and center superstar, adele. a singer simply known as adele. look what it did to the markets, they're calling it the adele rally. will easy be on me an easy win for adele? the world wants to know. by the way, you're welcome, america. george: she's a pianist, a classical pianist! she plays the piano! she-- she-- she's a brilliant woman!

i-i-i sat in her living room, she played the waldstein sonata. the waldstein! ♪ da da da da da da da da da ♪ ♪ di da da da di [laughs] we-- w-we did a crossword puzzle together in bed. it was the most fun i ever had in my entire life! do you hear me? in my life! you know? were you talking? i couldn't hear anything. i was telling you about noel. oh, noel, yeah. the one that plays the bongos. [sarcastically] ha ha ha. so sidesplittingly funny. all right, i'm sorry. what about her? what, you think i'm gonna repeat the whole thing now? i know, you told me you like her. everything's going good. no, everything's not going good. i'm very uncomfortable. i have no power. why should she have the upper hand? once in my life, i'd like the upper hand. i have no hand, no hand at all. she has the hand. i have no hand. -hand me that, would you? -yeah. how do i get the hand? we all want the hand. hand is tough to get. you gotta get the hand right from the opening.

she's playing a recital this week at the mcbierny school. you wanna hear her play? i got two extra tickets. you and elaine could go. yeah, that sounds like something. then afterwards, maybe we could all go out together. you know, she'll see me with my friends. she'll observe me as i really am, as myself. maybe i can get some hand that way. -oh, hey. -hey. hey... smell my arm. -what? no. -no, smell it. smell it. with all due respect, i don't think so. jerry, smell. that smells good. what is that? the beach. -the beach? -yeah. did you go swimming? it's 29 degrees out. nah, i just joined the polar bear club. you joined the polar bears? -yes. -what the hell is a polar bear? well, it's these people, they go swimming in the winter. they're-- they're terrific. i just took my first swim today. ooh-ooh uh a-a-a-ah! it's invigorating. yeah... -so is shock therapy. -[laughs] -what is that, a pez dispenser? -yeah. -do you want one? take it. -hey.

i just bought it at the flea market. you want? hey, what goes on there, exactly? you don't know? no, i-i-- i know. i know. you think they have fleas there, don't you? no. yes, you do, biff. you've never been to a flea market, and you think they have fleas there. all right, i think they have fleas there. so what? -hey, you want this? -oh, you don't want it? no, i bought five of them. oh, great. thanks.