social platform operates. >> trevor: okay a few thoughts on this, first, i don't think the name is really the problem that people have with facebook. society is like yo, you are destroying democracy and facebook slaik we hear you, what if we went by bookface. second, if you want to change your image, i don't think you should trust mark zuckerberg to do that. have you seen this man's haircut? it looks like he goes to the car ber and asks him to give him the colonial chieltd, you trust him with your make over. but more importantlyk, i feel like we are focusing on the name and that is distracting us from the fact that they are building a mehta verse, what does that even mean, did you hear that, are we supposed to pretend that is not terrifying, facebook has us arguing about brains meanwhile they're getting ready to suckout brains through the computer and put us in an online labor camp. don't kid yourself, you know the only reason he wants a mehta verse so we can all sound look him, hello mark, i'm trevor, so nice to meet you, finally a world where everybody talks normally strks so good to be

here. >> first, first, first, you never, ever be that zuckerberg boy again thark shit was-- . >> trevor: is that weird? >> i was so-- that shit is too creepy. >> trevor: plaib i will go as mark zuckerberg for halloween. >> stop, you know what that sounds like when white dudes do a white dude voice. >> trevor: that is so funny within whiek when white people do an impression of white people, that is what he sounds like. like he is just like leveled up so high on whiteness that even white people know that white people don't talk like that. >> trevor: all right, let's move on to our next story. which is about organs. you mow, the fun gift you get after a stranger dies in a car crash. and for people who need an organ transplant, there aren't a lot of options, art figure organs don't work well and it is really hard to find a human organ donor, people are really attached to those things, but there might be a third option soon because yesterday right here in new york city doctors successfully transported a

kidney from a pig into a human. yes, a pig. which is an amazing story. i mean not for the pig but for the hum it is an amazing story. and according to some experts this could be the beginning of a whole new era. >> this marks the first time a patient's immune system did not immediately reject the organ. >> if successful here the option of using pig organs could mitigate a shortage of transplant organizes. >> what we need is a sustainable renewable source of organs and that is what veno transplantation what provide. >> trevor: tell me that is not incredible. a future where you can easily replace your organs with pig' or imans. for wheel though, if you get a pig organ, i mean you have to become a vegan then, yes, can we agree on that. because imagine if someone gave you his kidney and then you ate his whole family. that is just disrespectful. and there are three problems i can see with this, first having pig organ sounds breat until

your dog starts sniffing you all the time and licking its lips. and second knowing how bad american health care is, most people won't even get the kid pig knee, just settle for something less. >> unfortunately your health insurance won't cover pig organs but you are in luck. we're having a sale on raccoons. >> here is the third problem. i don't think people have thought about. when you get an organ transplant there is a chance a small chance but a chance none the less that you feel or adopt a part of the donor. you hear people saying this all the time. oh, i have their memories, i have their emotions. i feel what they felt. what happens if you get an organ from a pig. yeah, like what if trevor gets a pig kidney. and all of a sudden i'm walking around in the streets and all of a sudden i'm-- trifles? truffles, truffles. >> what neighborhood do you live in where you can walk down the street smelling truffles. didn't we do a baboon heart in the '80s. >> we did a baboon heart in the '80s. >> yes. >> i didn't have the internet, i

don't know. >> nobody had the internet back then, it it was the '80s. you had seven channels. i know there are a lot of things you can transplant. you can transplant all the organs. the only thing that i am thinking about-- is someone has it to have like an intest intransplant from a pig, isn't that just going to be full of chitlins, and that is all i can think about. and then if you have to get a skin craft and you are covered in bacon. (laughter) i'm not helping. >> trevor: but let's move on from pigs. to puns and em-- pug, especially a pug named noodle who is blowing up worldwide in tiktok for an amazing account, this is adorable, like a daily horoscope where he preict dids where it is a good cay or bay day, and the way he makes his prediction is way more fun than that bull shit

grown hog. >> good porng, another game of mo buns the day when my pug wakes up with bones and what kind of day, oh my gosh t say bones day, look at that. a beating drum, you know what that enmoose, treat yourself. >> another round of no bone. all right, so we found out he does not have enbos this morning, we confirmed he does not have enbos am i did try a second time to see if maybe that was a fluke but can i confirm that it was not his bones are gone. >> guys, this-- this is more adorable than that time joe and jill biden's advicity to munch kinland but it is obvious what is really happening am it st cute, but it is not about the future, this is dog is waking up with a chronic morning erection so when he flops down he is trying to hide it. that is the real bones or no bones. but still, i like how this has become the new astrology. it actually makes more sense, i don't know what merck key and retrograde means but i can understand that a no bones day is not the day to sign a new

lease, that is simple. i wonder what this dog tells other dogs at parties, when dogs are hanging out and telling each other what they do. i sniff out drugs at the airport, that is what i do, sniff, sniff, i sniff out drugs at the airport. >> i help blind people get around in the city. that is my job. >> yeah, i fall on my ass and then millenials build a life around it. i don't get it teert. >> y'all do too much with these dogs, okay. let the damn dog be a damn dog, that dog is 13 years old, he doesn't want to play this game. any time this dog is no bones it is i don't want to be here any more and yet again you become a internet sensation because you need a job. leave the damn dogs alone. this he an that important, all we need is a goochy groundhog coming out saying there is more days of winter and we have get on with our lives. >> trevor: all right, that is the all the time for the headline, now to the main store hee, the vaccine. now the fight over who is required to get the vaccine is

crashing up against the thin blue line. as we will see in another installment of vaccination nation vaccine mandates, for the past few months it's become the biggest fight in the country. i mean aside from the netflix c.e.o. and everyone on twitter, mandates have been effective at convincing people to get the covid vaccine which is why everyone from the federal government to airlines to teen fox news is doing one. yeah, that is a real thing, fox news has a vaccine mandate. which is insane, it is like seeing one of those amish farm stands that accepts apple pay, like i'm happy but i did not see that coming. >> and now the former epicenter of the pandemic new york city is saying that all of its government workers need to get vaxxed and they mean everybody. >> new this morning, new york city is now requiring all city employees to be vaccinated against covid-19. no longer with any options for

weekly testing instead. the new mandate covers more than 160,000 workers including police officers and firefighters. >> we're asking our public servant and pirs responders to do what they do best. lead us forward, help us out of the covid era. if they choose not to, they go on unpaid leave. >> the two weeks until the november 1st date, nyc says its vaccine rate is 71%, fire department says 60% of uniformed workforce has got the shot, a long way to go. >> trevor: that's right, anyone who works for new york city will have to be vaccinated soon. everyone from police and firefighters all the way to the guys who make sure that the taxis are clean. and as of now, maybe a third of all cops aren't vaccinated. and maybe, maybe they just don't know how to get vaccinated. i mean i know it seems easy. but some cops don't even know how to turn on a body camera. so but this say little concerning. because any police who don't get vaccinated can't about to work. and if there is a shortage of

police, that could cause some big problems. i mean protestors can't kick the shit out of themselves. plus who are the karens going to call when they feel scared. hello geek squad, there is a black man in the park and-- what do you mean if is not injure job. i want to spheek to your manager. you get me the manager! >> now new york's police union has already announced that they will be suing to stop this mandate from going into effect. which is no surprise because in every city, that mounted a mandate there has been a fierce resistance from cops and firefighters. >> there has been a wave of resignations in and fires is in fire and police departments across the country, los angeles fire there have been at least 241 separations from the department. baltimore's police department is down 279 officers. in massachusetts the state police union president is threatening that at least 150 state police will resign. >> late yesterday seattle police

officers and firefighters walked up city hall steps to turn in their boots. >> trevor: yeah, that's right. they are turning in their boots. and i know what you are thinking right now because i'm thinking the same thing. wait, don't cops turn in their gun and badge? turning in your boots makes it sound like the police department have the same foot wear policy as a bowling alley, we got a robbery happening on 13th street, what are you, size ten and a half, go get him, buddy. i have to say, out of all of the occupations cops and firefighters are the last people who i would expect to see this from. these are the same people who sign up to swarm hostage situations or run into burning buildings. but when it comes to the vaccine, suddenly they are like i don't know, seems like a health risk. like firefighters, they have always had an image of being brave and selfless putting their life on the line to help others, that is part of what makes them so damn sexy. and i just hope that this vaccine controversy doesn't ruin that image. but trust me nobody wants to buy a whiny firefighter calender.

i would still buy that onek still pretty sexy, not going to thrie. but hey, at least those officers had the courage of their convictions, they didn't want to follow the rules so they quit the job. i can respect that. what is a lot more concerning is how some other officers have decided that they would rather keep their job and not follow the rules. >> in los angeles the countsee sheriff said he is not going to enforce the vaccine deadline that was supposed to take effect today. >> i don't want to be in a position to lose 5, 10% of my workforce overnight. >> in chicago respondenting to that city's october vaccine mandate, the head of the police union said his members won't comply. this has literally lit a bomb underneath the membership, he said. we where in america, g dammit, we don't want to be forced to do anything, period. this ability nazi fing germany. >> oh, nazi germany, that dees kate-- escalated things way too quick. although he is a chicago police

officer, it micks sense but come on, gee dammit. and by the way, i didn't realize the l.a. sheriff could just decide not to comply with the vaccine mandate. that is crazy. like is that something we are allowed to do. because the next time i'm pulled over i will say sorry, officer, i have decided not to comply with the speed limit, what is that, i'm getting shot, ha ha ha ha. here is what i find the most strange about this story. for years police departments have been telling us that nothing is more important than protecting the lives of cops on the streets, right. it is why cities have been increasing their budgets to buy military grade armour. and also why they can't take 30 seconds to determine if someone really is a threat before shooting them. but it turns it out there is literally nothing more dangerous to police officers right now than covid-19. covid right now as we speak is the leading cause of death for law enforcement in fact, since the start of the pandemic, it has killed more than five times the number of police that were killed by guns.

so it turns out that if you do believe that blue lives matter, one of the best ways to show your support is inti getting the vaccine. all right, when we come back we'll take a look at america's former president vladimir putin. and nick offerman is joining me on the show, don't go

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he's a hero. >> he is some kind of superman for us. >> can his flawless intellect and unmatched strength make him some how more than a man. at what point does a mortal ruler become a living god. >> 100 years old. >> this is "the daily showography" of vladimir putin. democracy superstar.

>> vladimir putin grew up with everything a soviet child could ever want. communal housing. and that's it. >> we lived in a small room, all three of us. in a communal apartment in lenin grad with no private facility. we didn't even have our own bath or shower. >> it was all the fun of a college dorm but with way more drinking. from birth greatness was in his blood. his father was a party member and his grandfather was a cook for joseph stalin, giving va lard mir access to all the flavors of soviet russia. from bland to cold to gray. it was a movie that set putin on his life's path. the shield and the sword, about a dashing soviet spy inspired him to join the kgb. he would be the russian james bond. meaning the guy trying to kill james bond. by 1985 putin was a lieutenant colonel in the kgb stationed in

glamorous east germany but in 1989 fraj de struck-- tragedy struck. a crowd of germans driven pad by the decadent western influences of coca cola and blue jeans descended upon the berlin wall. they smashed it to tbits. and then looking for more souvenirs they could later sell to history nerds they gathered around. the berlin wall might have fallen, but a great man does not crumble so easily. putin ran to the baitsment and set all the krk grk become stock-- on fire then went outside and told the crowd they would be shot if they didn't leave. what an honor for those germans to be there for the future leaders first-- death threat. through his heroic actions that day, putin survived. but sadly the sov yent union did not. >>-- soviet union did not wednesday whi i say the fall of

the ussr was one of the greatest tragedies of i am talking about a humanitarian catastrophe, after the dislusion ussr, 25 million russians suddenly found themselves in a foreign country. >> that's right, millions of russians had to order a whole new address labels. with the counsel fall of communism really worth that? but russia and putin persevered. under the steady leadership of the incredibly competent tend bore is yell stin putin rose through the political ranks eventually becoming prime minister. the russian public wanted to know who was this young, objectively perfect man. to answer that, putin commissioned a documentary about his life. just like beyonce. and putin's film was even cooler. >> he commissioned this rarely seen documentary about himself. presenting vladimir putin, the credit reads, in power.

the soundtrack is from the broadway show cats. it it was without question the second most disturbing movie ever to feature songs from cats. in 1999 bore is yet sync a gruptly-- yet sin resigned to spend more time with his-- and putin became the second elected and first permanent president of russia. he proved himself not just the formidable head of state but a man of many talents. a beast master, an adventurer, a sportsman. and a born entertainer.

♪ on blueberry hill. ♪. >> vladimir putin is truly a quadruple threat. quinn it up fell one of the threats is making actual threats. but most of all, president putin is a protecter of russia's fragile democracy. a role he takes so seriously that every election he does whatever is necessary to stop interior candidates from wing. for this devotion his citizens have rewarded him with the presidency again and again. but literally unbelievable margins. >> vladimir putin will lead russia for another sick years. he cruised to an expected victory in yesterday's presidential election winning nearly 77 percent of the vote. >> check this brazen ballot stuffing caught on camera. >> in these videos verified by the ap, voters seem to insert shall multiple ballots one official appears to stroll over to a box, stuff it while no one

in the room seems to mind. >> yes, putin respects people's right to vote so much that he lets them vote two, three or 78 times in the same election. it it wasn't all smooth sailing though. one time putin briefly had to let a friend be president for him and told him to run again. then he had to make a tiny change to the constitution so he could run again again. and again. as russia has thrifd, so has the man who embodies it t for his sted fast commitment to fighting corruption, russian oligarchs and energy executives have gifted with tens of billions of dollars. >> certainly mr. putin is the richest man in europe. and possibly on the planet. >> money money. >> and that money would come in handy when unexpected expenses cropped up like secretly buying a luxury apartment in monaco for a totally random woman and yes, one media outlet claimed that the woman was putin's mistress

but that is ridiculous. putin was happily married at the time. and also that media outlet has since been outlawed. besides, these rumors are completely unfair to the woman's daughters who unknown father must be very proud of her and her face that looks absolutely nothing like vladimir putins. >> of course even a perfect country has some mall content but whenever those seeking to undermine putin's streak of uncorrupt democracy begins to circle him like blood thirsty sharks, some how, some way fate always intervenes on his behalf. >> there seems for some reason to be an extremely high mortality rate among independent journalists and political opponents of mr. putin. >> president putin dismissed accusations that the russian state was behind the attack on mr. navalny. if our agents had wanted to kill him, he said, they would have finished the job. >> is russia behind the

poisoning? >> look, we are busy here with agriculture. and you ask me about some traj gee. get to the bottom of things there first, then we'll talk about this. >> yeah, why doesn't anyone ever ask putin about his agriculture program? like these new bananas he is working on that grow with the poison already inside them. sure, it it is true that some of putin's critics met untimely end but on the other hand, let's move on. we should be talking about agriculture. naturally a true champion of democracy doesn't just want it for his own country, he wants it for all people. which is why putin began tirelessly assisting with elections around the world. sending his digital democracy helpers to gently nudge voters in the right direction. putin was so amazing at democracy that in 2016 even the world's so called greatest democracy was asking for his help. >> russia, if you are listening. >> and like the great man he is,

putin answered the call. >> tonight russian president vladimir putin trolling the united states, joking about meddling in the presidential election and saying he will do it again. >> i will tell you a secret, yes, of course we'll do it. to finally make you happier, just don't tell anyone. >> you know what they say, it it takes a big man to joke about himself and an even bigger, scarier man to joke about destroying your country. >> that is why in all the world there is no bigger man that vladimir putin. how greatful we are for his 21-- his guaranteed 16 year future reign and if we should be so fortunate, his 100 year reign. >> trevor: all right, when we

come back, nick offerman will try to convince me to go camping. good luck with ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

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just get together and save! we look goooood! visible. wireless that gets better with friends. show," my guest tonight is actor, humanist and best sellerring author nick offerman here to talk about his brand new book that celebrates the beauty of america's great outdoors. nick, welcome to the show. >> thank you, so great to see you. >> i feel like this is like the perfect space for you and your voice. >> normally when i see you there are either too many people and your voice doesn't seem like it st matching the energy. >> it's true. >> trevor: this feels like the kind of space where nick would say something and. >> i take that as a compliments. what you just said reminded me of my dad who is really funny. but whenever you are in a crowd, he always, he will gesture to you and then step away, and say something under his breathe like, i hope you didn't have the trout. and i'm sorry for the atmosphere

that you might be experiencing. >> trevor: oh wow. i feel like you got the funny, man, that is what you got. >> well, that is big talk coming from you. >> trevor: to, no, no. i mean that for real. like you know, some people know you, obviously from parks & rec and some people will know you from the podcast that you host with your wife, which is, i would argue, the most intimate podcast, you know, partly because you lost it from an actual pedestrian. >> yeah. >> trevor: and partly because it feels like we know you as a couple. and then some people may know you from writing books where the deer and the antelope play. there are few books i read that make me feel truly the essence of the person. i feel like i went to the places that you went to in this book. did you set out to do this for the book or did the book come from doing the journey. >> that's a great question. i mean it all kind of happened serendipitously, simultaneously, sin cron is us toly, i think

that is an actual word. >> trevor: if you say it, confidently enough people leave it it. >> sin cron news italy. >> i had the idea for this book for several years. i knew that it would involve trying to regurgitate sort of my interpretation and feelings about our relationship with nature for my readership. and i was talking about the book with jeff tweety of will koa who is in the book. and we have this three way bromance with him and saunders the greats fiction writer. it it was jeff's idea. he said why don't we go somewhere beautiful and walk and you can use our conversations for your book. and i said yes, jeff tweety, my philosopher poet hero, that sounds fine to me. i booked that trip. and i mean so i kind of knew i wanted to go meet james rebanks and his family in england, and their shepherding operation for

myself. but there is always in the back of my head, oh, this actually might work its way into the book. and then i was writing the first two parts of the book when megan and i ended up decided to take this air stream trip. so eventually the penny dropped. i'm like oh, this also fits into the book. so while i'm finishing up the first two thirds i'm living the last third, and then it all-- so it kind of comes organically. >> the stories that you tell in the book, aren't just stories of travel, they are stories of history, of life, i think you connecting with the humanity of not just yourself but like the man that you-- land you live on. i think a lot of people will be surprised because they will go man, nick gets deep. one minute you are in a forest and next talking about the people who were removed from this land or what this land actually means. >> i mean i think one of the things i talk about in the book is trying to bring nuance back to our human conversations. >> trevor: clearly you don't

use facebook. >> i don't, actually, i have never been on facebook. >> trevor: explains a lot about you. >> but when i mr. for example hiking in a national park, i can, the first simple reaction is holily cow is this beautiful pristine land, untouched by human-- wait a second. it was touched by people used to live here and we killed them. or we removed them, you know. >> trevor: right, right, right. >> we shat on them one way nor. and by we i mean the europeans. the conquering people. and that then it st just musingly makes me think, we were always kind of brought up to tbleef that to conquer something was positive like we're the victors that makes us heroes. but as i looked at it in this context, i was like wait a second, all that really means is we killed them better than they were able to kill us. >> trevor: we don't want to acknowledge where things came from or how things came. we don't want to consider the

possibility that we are enjoying ill-gotten gain, at any point. >> right. >> trevor: so. >> which is also very understandable human behavior. i always open, when i tour as a humorist or i write a book i always try and open, that is why it it stays i'm ignorant on the cover of the book, what i am saying is we are all ignorant. we all will never understand all the information. we are clumsy fartherring mammals building skyscraper and so we're never going to do that perfectly. we're never going to be like well, there is our civilization, everybody is happy. and so knowing that we always have these deficits somewhere, let's maintain the attitude of a student and say okay, what did we get right, and what are we getting wrong and how can we shift towards getting more right? >> trevor: you're an amazing person to know. i think you write some of the most fantastic books. i appreciate having you on the show and next time you go on a road trip please tell me i will decline but i would just like you to tell me so that i could

feel like i could come along. >> well, thank you, i will do that. and maybe, maybe i will face time you from the top of a mountain. >> trevor: i would love that, just so i can feel like, oh yeah, that looks great, i wish i was there. i don't actually wish i was there. but i would like to feel like i wish i was there. >> i would sometimes i'm scared on the top of a mountain and i think it twoo be comforting to see your face just for a minute. >> trevor: i appreciate that, nick, thank you. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: all right, people, don't forget, nicker's book, where the deer and the antelope play is available right now. and colin in black and white, brand new show is going to premier on netflix october 29th. this man over there will be playing colin kaepernick's father, yeah, that is what i said. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right baorr,

stay safe out there. get your vaccine, and remember, be nice to pigs. next one you see could be your kid fee donor. or your breakfast bacon. either way, be nice. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> hey, you see what rudy giuliani posted on twitter last night? >> virginia, vote against the man who dishonored our past by

selling my bedroom-- who does this [bleep] guy think he is. can i have my hat back please. >> it's a dumb hat anyway. ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ (♪ mumbling ♪) ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ sgt. stanley marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. his only chance of survival is to sneak past the bosnian guard who stands watch. sgt. marsh knows it's now or never.

he must make a run for it. the american base is only a few feet away... marsh assist, halt! (imitating gunfire) it will take more than your weak american weapons to destroy me. cartman, we shot your bosnian fat ass! yeah, you're dead! i have class-4 armor on that, uh... no, you don't! special armor that's impenetrable to american bullets. dude, every time we play americans vs. bosnians, you cheat! yeah cartman, you suck. if you want to play americans vs. bosnians anymore, you can just play with yourself. that's fine, i like playing with myself. i'll play with myself all day long. ha, ha, ha... what? well, now what are we gonna do? i don't know. hi, stan. hi, wendy. kyle, doesn't bebe look pretty today? i don't know. she does, she looks very pretty. okay. stan, can i talk to you for a second?

stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed kyle up with bebe? no. if bebe and kyle were a couple, then we could invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace. we could? yes, stan. but, dude, i don't have a clubhouse. you don't? i thought all guys had clubhouses. just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in? eh, cartman von cartman has ways of making you talk. (farting) aah! stan, you have to build a clubhouse. then all four of us could sit in it and play "truth or dare." truth or dare, wow! come on, kyle we've got work to do. we do? we've gonna build a clubhouse. i have to ask my dad for help. did it work? i think it did, bebe. if all goes as planned, kyle will be your new boyfriend! i hope so, wendy. he's got such a hot ass! hey, phillip, pull my finger. all right, terrence. ugh! oh, wait, wait, wait. pull harder. well, all right. ugh! ha, ha ha, ha, ha. damn it! pull really hard, phillip. okay. wait, wait, wait, wait. ugh, ugh...

oh, boy! ugh, ugh... wait, wait... ugh... (farts) ha, ha, got you there. uh-oh, ha, ha, ha. oh, you got me, terrence. yes, i surely did. whoa, dude, your dad is watching terrence and phillip. no, i was just flipping through the channels. hey, dad, we need to build a clubhouse. okay. how do we do it? you just get a hammer and some wood. what, do some girls want to play truth or dare or something? yeah, dude, how'd you know? how do you think i met your mother? randy, my wedding ring. i lost it down the garbage disposal! oh, brother. ha, ha, ha. stanley, i thought i told you not to watch this horrible cartoon. yeah, stanley, you should know better. dude! here, stanley, you watch nice cartoons like "fat abbot." aw. randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of sink! okay, okay. hey, hey, hey, what's going on, rudy? man, fat abbot, you need to lose weight. i'll lose weight when i feel like it, bitch! shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!

bitch? i'll kick your ass! whoa, dude! sweet! you think you're slick, you punk-ass, blasphemous, dope-fiend bitch. i had my jimmy wacked seven times last week. i'll bust a cap in your (bleep). wow, cartoons are getting really dirty. did you find it? give me a second, would you? don't snap at me! i didn't snap at you. you snapped at me! whatever. whatever? in 15 years, you've never said "whatever" to me. i don't want fight. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, too. well, i think i found it. that's not it, you idiot! hey, back off, bitch! (gasping) you just said the "c" word! did i? this is a sweet spot for a clubhouse. yeah. hey, stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play truth or dare? oh, just that maybe when we're finished, wendy and bebe can come over and play. dude, what kind of sick joke is that? girls suck ass. well, of course, they do, but, uh, wouldn't it be sweet to play truth or dare with them? what, why? because, dude, we could make them do really gross stuff like eat bugs. hey, yeah. that'd be sweet! we could totally ruin their lives! what are you guys doing?

we're building a clubhouse. ha, ha, a clubhouse? that's the lamest thing i've ever heard. it's not lame, it's sweet. after we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play truth or dare. why? because, dumb-ass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry. what, were you born yesterday? yeah, now beat it, you guys. this clubhouse is private. that's fine. we'll build our own clubhouse. fine. fine. and then we'll get girls to play truth or dare too. fine. fine. fine. fine! fine! fine. that's fine. fine. fine! no, kenny, you can't look. i'm the foreman. (mumble, mumble) because, kenny, your family's poor. you have to be the worker. no, kenny! how's the tree house coming along, hon? mom, it's not a tree house, it's a clubhouse! sorry, hon. mom, can we pull up the carpeting in the living room? well, i don't know, eric. if you did that, then the floors would be bare. but, mom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse! well, all right. kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting

in the living room now. (mumble, mumble) and stop your bitchin'! (grunting) what are you doing, sweetheart? getting a cookie. we're building a clubhouse and then we're-- you men are all alike. first you get a cookie and then you criticize the way i dress and then it's the way i cook. i suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that i'm sabotaging your creativity. go ahead, stanley, get your goddamn cookie! 'kay. (school bell ringing) and so, children, today we're going to focus on american history. right, mr. twig? that's right, mr. garrison. american history is very-- when is mr. hat coming back? what did you say? when is mr. hat coming back? i told you to never to mention that name in my classroom again. mr. hat is a two-timing whore, and now we all learn from mr. twig! but mr. twig sucks. yeah! yeah! that is enough! mr. hat is gone and he isn't coming back! and i don't want to hear it! anyway, children, let's turn our history textbooks to page 105, which would be right after... so, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, stan? better than yours, fat boy. we'll see about that.