phone that can receive calls. you can't be stranded if you have a phone that can receive calls. you're just taking some time out. because if your phone can ring -- to me, stranded mean nothing is working, do you know what i'm saying? if your phone can ring, you're not stranded. if you phone me and you're, like, help me, you're fine. see you later. i only worry when the phone doesn't ring. hello, this is trevor -- oh, no! then i stress. my friends know. also you were hikerring. isn't that why you were trying to do? why else would you go offroad where we don't make roads and paved things. you've asked for it to a certain degree. you've said, i wish to involve a walk in my life that could end with me not being found. that's what a hike is fundamentally. it's people saying i wish to go somewhere and maybe not be found ever again.

i'm not saying something bad should happen to you. i'm saying that is what you have chosen to do. there are many walks where you can't -- like if you're walking in new york, i'm on 50th, then i'm lost! 49th street, i know where i am. do you understand what i'm saying? that's literally why we wrote the streets because at some point someone said i don't know where i am. let's give them names. then someone says i'm tired of the names, i want to go where the streets have no names. then you get what you asked for. the joys of hiking. >> coming to you from the heart of times square, the most important place on earth, it's "the daily show." tonight, facebook likes that you're angry. the real reason cops pulled you over. and tamron hall! this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: hey! what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah, and joining me today is my good man roy wood,

jr.! what's going on, roy? >> hey, hey, what's up, man? >> trevor: how you doing, my dude? nice to see you here. ready for the show, we going to do some headlines together? >> yeah, yeah, i'm with you -- i'm with you -- i'm social media, promoting my hour special in perfect messengerrer, friday october 29 on comedy central at 10:30 after an all new episode of "the god's honest truth" with charlamagne leonard mcelfy the god. >> trevor: did you promote your new standup special and charlamagne's show in this show. >> i come on after charlamagne. >> trevor: but it's weird because we were about to do the headlines. >> you can do the headlines. i said i would be there with you. >> trevor: i assumed you meant we're doing it together. >> i'll check in from time to time with you when i have an opportunity -- you're messing up my algorithm. >> trevor: happy to have you

even though you're promoting other things. let's kick off with the story everyone is talking about. the worst p.r. week in facebook history. this week is so bad for facebook that mark zuckerberg was, like, facebook? no, that's not me. that was started by the winklevoss. you probably heard about the whistleblower who smuggled documents out of facebook. nearly two dozen media outlets have been mining documents for news stories and now the shit hit the facebook fan page. >> the "the washington post" reports starting in 2017 facebook's algorithm was programmed to put higher value on emojis like the angry face. they gave an angry response five times more value than content that got likes on the news feed. the company's own researchers were worried about this warning this could open the door to abuse, rage and polarizing users. >> trevor: yeah, that's right,

facebook knew it was rewarding shitty posts as long as they generated an emotional response. and i'll be honest, when i fers heard about this, i was shocked because i couldn't believe mark zuckerberg knows what emotions are. i also have to say this, this is the worst use of emojis i ever heard of. emojis shouldn't be used to emotionally manipulate with you. should be used to ask someone to water their eggplant. it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in it. you know, it's why donald trump became president and jeb bush works at a quiznos now. please clap. >> you know what's wild about facebook, man, is that if you put in the title of your new hour special and a bunch of emojis, you get likes. this shit is crazy. also, facebook is just fight club. you need people over there fighting. that's the whole point of facebook.

emojis, shortened conversations, let's also acknowledge that. we're just not going to put this all off on facebook. we don't type lol,. >> trevor: we should be using words. >> no, if i wasn't with you, i wouldn't be talking with you. if you want to have a nice measured detailed conversation with emotion take your ass to etsy. this is facebook, bra. i'm trying to read this at an red light in an intersection. don't have time for nuance. ( naming emojis ) fine, got it, green light. >> trevor: you're a dangerous driver. our next story is about school, the place where you get rid of all your extra apples. there is a big movement among conservatives to protect children from being exposed to liberal ideas in school, ideas like racism is bad or gays are not bad. you know what, it's almost like

conservatives learn too much about cancel culture and accidentally got really into it. like sort of how when you start hate watching a real housewives show and seven season later you say i know romana and sonia say they're best friends but would you talk about your best friend blind their back like that? a striking new tv add from republican carnet glenn youngkin. >> as a parent, it's tough to catch everything, so when my son showed me his reading assignment, my heart sunk. it was some of the most explicit it material you can imagine. i met with lawmakers. they couldn't believe what i was showing them. their faces turned bright red with embarrassment. they passed bills requiring schools to notify parents when explicit content was assigned. i was so grateful. but then governor terry mcauliffe vetoed it twice.

he doesn't think parents should have a say. he said that. he shut us out. >> trevor: whoa. what were these kids reading? was this first grader reading "50 shades of grey"? was this a little coloring in book of dickpics? no, turns out it was actually the pulitzer prize-winning tony morrison novel beloved, and also it wasn't a young kid, it was a high school senior in an ap english class. i'm sorry, guys, any parent who thinks their 17-year-old school's assignment is explicit, check out his browser history, trust me, he can handle it. it shows you the danger isn't conservatives i'm or liberalism it's helicopter parenting. ap is basically a college course. how long will this lady protect her kid? his mom will bust into his dorm

room and boss him. banning books is a slippery folks because what is-fencive is subjective. i would never want my kid reading the great gatsby, i think it glamorizing friend zoning. that's immoral. would you read it? >> too many white people in that book. i'm from birmingham. weapons reading autobiography of malcolm x, madam c.j. walker. we read the one book with the elf running around -- >> lord of the rings? no. >> what's the one before that one. >> with an elf? >> yeah, elf. >> trevor: what is the elf doing? bilbo. bilbo. >> the hobbit? >> trevor: yeah, that's the one. read that, too. we shouldn't be erasing black history whether tony morrison novels or my new episode on friday after the charlamagne show. >> trevor: i'll watch it, roy,

i'll definitely watch it because you've told me many many times. finally, we'll talk about a man who found one of the most amazing and disturbing life hacks you will ever hear about because this guy managed to eat for an entire year for barely any money. i know what you're thinking, i know where the chipotle dumpedsters are, too, but he found out how to eat cheap without getting bitten by a raccoon. >> a california man who found a way to save money on food, bought an unlimited year around pass to six flags, includes a parking pass, two meals a day for $150. he claims, after seven years of eating lunch and dinner at the park every day, he paid down his student loans and bought a house. >> so $150 a year, you get two meals, like 50 cents a day basically to feed yourself. >> trevor: yeah. that dude fed himself for 50 cents a day, genius! we should get him to fix the world's economies before he dies from gout. right now the democrats are

struggling to figure out how to pay for healthcare. this guy would solve it. he would be all you have to do is go to the first aid tent at six flags and tell them the rollercoaster gave you lupus. boom! free healthcare. this guy's only mistake was buying a house. you were on the role. why buy a house when you can crash in the fun house instead. the mirrors make the place feel roomier and stretchier. and by the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on earth? eat for a year, $150. a mouse pad with a picture of you on a rollercoaster, $3,000! no in between! i will say, man, props to this guy for gaming the system. this is the kind of shit you can only get away with at six flags because they're a chilled amusement park. if you tried this at disney, mickey would have you hanging by your thumbs in the castle dungeon. okay, asshole, you got your free

food, how you're getting a free beat down! >> my issue is he kept going to the park alone, every trip. >> trevor: what's wrong with that? >> you can't just keep going to an amusement park by you feel. not right. i used to go to chuck e. cheese because i liked video games. the hotel tvs, you can't hook up the playstation. >> trevor: so you would go to chuck e. cheese by yourself. >> and i had to stop, people look at you. dave and busters are for grown folks who want to be playing video games alone without being labeled as something if they aren't. i'm on a flags web site. they've got good food. you think an amusement park is high school concession stand food. they've got pizza barbecue, asian fusion, feature of my new hour special in perfect messenger premiering friday at 10:30 on comedy central.

>> trevor: oh, no charlamagne this time. >> no, i already gave him two shoutouts. >> trevor: time to take a quick break. when we come back, we'll talk about the issue that cops and black lives matter actually agree on. don't want to miss it. so friday at 10:30 only on comedy central. >> uncensored. >> trevor: oooh! ♪[upbeat music track]♪

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and there you have it- woah. wireless on the most reliable network nationwide. wow. -big deal! ...we get unlimited for just 30 bucks. sweet, i get that too and mine has 5g included. that's cool, but ours save us serious clam-aroonies. relax people, my wireless is crushing it. that's because you all have xfinity mobile with your internet. it's wireless so good, it keeps one upping itself. >> trevor: police give people tickets for all sorts of reasons. maybe they caught you speeding or maybe you ran a stop sign or maybe they're lonely and they just want someone to pull their gun on. but it turns out there's another reason that people keep getting pulled over by the cops, and it's a dirty little secret called the quota system. >> a lot of police stops happen every year, 20 million of them, and many of those stops, millions of those stops, have

nothing to do with traffic safety. it's been called a quota culture. officers are being pressured to give traffic tickets, forced to meet certain monetary requirements. >> ticket quotas are illegal in several states including new york, illinois, california and florida, but even former law enforcement officials will tell you they still exist. >> commanders asking troopers to write a minimum of off0 traffic violations a month. on multiple documents, it says this is not a quota. >> it's morning rush hour and you are watching a chicago police officer driving the wrong way down busy streets, driving in the direct path of oncoming motorists even with no emergency lights and cutting people off without warning. the cop behind the wheel isn't chasing a fleeing suspect, she's trying to beat motorists to their parked cars before 7:00 a.m. so she can quickly write as many tickets as possible. >> trevor: wow! did you see that cop? that was so dangerous. people, other than my uber eats

driver, nobody should ever drive the wrong-way down a street. it isn't just dangerous. it's petsy as hell. when vin diesel drives like this, it's to save his family. this cop is out there, like -- there's only one thing i'm willing to die for in this world, issuing $30 parking tickets. now, the quota system is stickcally illegal in multiple states including florida. and you know, if florida says something is illegal, then it's really bad. that's the only state that allows you to order a margarita with meth on the rim. very tasty, by the way. despite being illegal, quoteas are still unofficially a big thing in police departments across the country. you may be asking why are police departments so horny for handing out tickets? turns out it's for the same reason everything happens in america, money. >> many cities plans their budgets in part based on things that people do wrong. anywhere between $5 billion to $7 billion are made every year

from known speed traps arbitrarily low speed limits with heavy traffic enforcement designed to generate ticket revenue. >> nearly 100 georgia cities relying on ticket money to fund at least 10% of their annual revenues. all over colorado, towns that cite so many drivers the cash flow makes up a huge chunk of their budget. none at 40%, morrison 52. mountainview 53. >> washington, d.c. issued $1 billion in parking tickets and traffic tickets in over a three-year period. >> rolling down this two-mile stretch of interstate 295 in hopewell, virginia, you will see why it's dubbed the million dollar mile. hopewell has used this sliver of highway that runs not through but along the town's border as its personal cash register for years. last year hopewell collected $1.8 million for speeding tickets. traffic experts say there's no overwhelming safety issue on that stretch of interstate. >> trevor: turns out speeding tickets will a lot like

uploading pictures of your feet to the internet, brings a surprisingly large amount of money. it changed how i view reckless driving when i learned about this. when i see someone driving 18 in a school zone, i think, wow, that person likes to give back to the community. impressive. when you consider some of the towns are making their entire budget off these tickets, it gives us a good answer to that first question that cops always ask -- sir, do you know why i pulled you over? yeah, because your town is broke as (~bleep~). you should try it with the cops. let me know how it goes. congrats to the towns. i guess they found way to squeeze money out to have the people who made the unforgivable mistake of driving. it's not just about safety, it's about making the money. but it turns out the cops responsible for handing out all of these tickets, they aren't celebrating because the truth is they'd rather be doing anything else. >> most police officers don't want to be handing out tickets all day long. >> they're saying this is not

why we got into policing. we got into policing not to write a certain number of tickets and raise revenue but we got into policing to protect and serve. >> no police officer's hand should be forced to write a certain amount of summonses. >> you wind up with less confidence in your local law enforcement agency, deteriorate the relationship between your citizens and the police department. >> state police chief says safety of his citizens is at at-risk because the city wants him to focus on traffic tickets more than investigating crimes. >> the problem is if you're going to write that many tickets, it's going to take your whole day. i'm here to run a police department, not make money. >> trevor: that's right, the cops didn't get into policing to ticket people, they got into it so every few months that could throw their badge and gun on a chief's desk. bell if if the mayor doesn't think this case is worth pursuing, i'll solve it myself! i'll find the bastard who stole my leftovers from the office fridge!

seriously, there are a lot of police out there-week-old spend their time making their community safer and they know ticketing random people every day doesn't actually do that. batman would never catch the joker if people kept turning on the bat signal because someone parked in a handicapped spot. and you might think, well, okay, if the police don't want to write as many tickets, they shouldn't do it. these are the police, right? don't they do whatever they want? that's usually the case. when it comes to the quoteas, if individual cops don't play ball, it's their as on the line. >> the local cops don see how quotas are enforced on the backgrounds. they're enforced on the back of police officer also. >> in williamsburg a supervisor tells his team four to ten tickets a week is unacceptable. he says the enforcement numbers are pitiful and hinted possible lower evaluations. >> police officers say every week the number of tickets they write is posted for everyone on their shift to see and an average given. if an officer falls below the

average number of citations, they suffer the consequences. >> i was threatened the last week that if i don't get my numbers up, then a series of punishments will happen. >> if you didn't get the number of tickets he wanted, if you didn't get the 100 contacts, you get mandatory overtime, you get written up. >> a supervisor last year telling his officers that the bottom two performers would drive a pool car, meaning a clunker. this other officer getting his radar gun taken away for not writing enough tickets. >> trevor: that's how hard they pressure the cops. if you don't write enough tickets, they'll even take away your radar gun. which means you have to calculate a car's speed in your head. zoom! 150? it shows you the quota system is unfair to police, too. the cops can't even protest this because every time they try, they just beat themselves up out of habit. here's the important thing about

the quota system is that no one likes it. everyone, the police don't like it, the police unions don't like it, liberals don't like it, black lives matter doesn't like it, minorities, they all want the system gone. it's one to have the rare areas in life where everyone wants the same reform, like how we all agree we shouldn't have to sign the credit card machine when we use touchless paying. it's touchless, why am i grabbing the same plastic pen that everyone else in the cvs handled with their hands? the quota system isn't going anywhere unless there's another way for the police to make money. i think we may have found it. >> americans are tired of ticket quoteas that get them pulled over and shot. isn't there a better way for police to make money for kronkly underfunded cities? introducing uber blue, the new ride share app that takes you to your destination in a police cruiser. our cruisers have a comfortable

backseat and can legally run red lights, stop signs and elementary school crossings. with uber blue pool, you can pay less if you share your ride with a hardened criminal being sent to lockup. at uber blue, safety is paramount and we're proud to announce that 92% of our rides do not end with a passengers being savage pli beaten by the police. >> steel beats taking the bus. >> what are you waiting for? download uber plu now and use code blue rides matter for 20% off your first trip. uber blue, you have the right to remain comfortable. >> oh, my ride's here. i didn't have for a ride. >> trevor: when we come back, tamron hall is on the show to discuss her new novel about which missing girls get covered by the news and which ones don't. don't go away.

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♪girl, i don't know, i don't know,♪ ♪i don't know why i can't get♪ applebee's. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. daily show." my guest tonight is emmy award-winning television host journalist and author, tamron hall. she's here to talk about her new

book, a crime thriller that shines a light on the lack of media coverage when young black children go missing. tamron hall, welcome to "the daily show." >> great to be here. i love your new home. >> trevor: it's nice. >> very lovely. >> trevor: it's like a little vibe to get out to have the house then we see where the world takes us. congratulations on your, not new home but feels flu because the pandemic came in the middle of you starting a new show. >> yeah. >> trevor: yet, despite all of that, you have just been on a rise. congratulations. >> thank you. it's been surreal. we had three months in our new studio kicking off season one. i ended up in the basement of my home with my son upstairs and my husband with an ipad trying to do the show. now we're back in studio season 3, our live audience is back and the vibe is slowly returning but it's a new world, it's a new tv landscape and we feel it. >> trevor: one of the things about doing the show especially daily is you're building an audience, you're building a

connection with people. you just had three months, next thing a pandemic. was there a passionate of you that was, like, could this be the thing that takes everything offcourse? was there a moment you were worried? >> not in the sense of my show because i thought what are they going to put there? what are your options? good luck with that. >> trevor: it's a pandemic, people. >> you going to shop for a new talk show? i don't think so. so i wasn't worried about that aspect of it. i was worried about my team because you're now asking people to juggle their personal lives. at the time, my son mocies was nine months old. >> trevor: wow. >> so you've got your personal life and now someone's asking you to show up for work in something called a zoom in your home while the world stopped. but i think it evened the playing field, and our show, at that time, was able to show something that i had 30 years of a career as a journalist. >> trevor: oooh, i love that. >> and, so, we were able to say, okay, now let's level up, what do we do?

and we transition to conversations like a woman whose husband had gone into the barbershop and gotten covid and she was the first national figure really, an unknown woman, to plead to black americans, my community, your community, to get vaccinated, and she was on our show. then we started interviewing people. we did covid around the world, literally on an ipad, where we went to korea, india, all around the world where people were saying, from their perspective. so it tapped into my days at msnbc, my days as a journalist, and i think that gave us a leg up to survive and wake up executives who were uncertain about the show, to be honest. >> trevor: right. i love that you seem to seamlessly use your life and your life experience to almost inspire whatever you're going to be doing. so, obviously, from the journalism side, you're a journalist, and then you've brought journalism into daytime. you've won an emmy, congratulations, for doing that. >> thank you. >> trevor: exciting achievement to have. your book is no different.

tamron hall, "as the wicked watch." i said, oh, okay, she's going to be writing about the news and talking about this. >> a memoir. >> trevor: no, she wrote a novel. why did you not go with a memoir or something current affairs driven? >> because it wasn't interesting to me. i thought about writing a mini memoir of when i first got fired from the "today" show or left the "today" show to building this talk show which include harvey weinstein and all the other stunning stories i encountered. i said, i'm not ready for all that. before all that drama happened, there were two stories, in 1997 when i was a recorder in dallas and chicago, within that year, i'd covered the deaths of two girls, both 11 years old, one white, one black. when you're a reporter and you get a picture of someone and the family says here's a picture for the news and you have this kid and you're studying them and start talking to friends and are

outside the school or in the case of chicago you're in the neighborhood and people are telling you how adorable and wonderful she is, for me, the kind of person i am, i felt like i knew them, and from '97 unil even now, it would play in my mind, being in front of that crime scene and what it was like, and they haunted me. and, so, i, before the pandemic, started -- had started meeting with meeting with publishers and tell them i want to talk about missing people and thousand they're treated. i created a character jordan manning, my alter ego -- michael jordan and peyton manning is how i got her name -- ( laughter ) and i said how do i take this story in a direction, what is it like being a black woman in the news room when you're one of one or one of two and weaving it into a story in the landscape of

chicago. >> trevor: in the novel you take us through a story that, yes, is fictitious but there's no denying it talks to what's happening today and, unfortunately, it coincides with the conversation in and around black girls who are going missing, black women who have gone missing and people asking the questions about how does the media choose which spotlight to use. and someone said the other day, oh, so should they not have covered the young girl's story? it's not about the not, it's about the why not as well. why do you think it is that so many black girls and women aren't deemed to be a nationwide newsworthy story? >> i think we all know the answer to that, you know, and i think, for me, to your point of why can't we cover both,eth almost like police brutality. for a long time i would tell people, wait a minute, black people aren't against police, we're against police brutality. there are black police officers and you put people in a trick bag when you say, the minute you question police brutality you don't love or like police, and

they're in your family and in your neighborhood. it's a trick bag people are put into. so when someone says, wait a minute, are you saying we shouldn'to cover that case? that's a trick bag, and it's one that has been built by the media, and i have been a part of it for 30 years, in watching this happen. with that case that you're referring to, gabby petito, her poor family now have to stop and say, wait a minute, we want her covered but we also want jalani day covered, and jalani day's mother is begging for a camera to point her direction to plead for where he is, so who's put them in the middle. that's the hard question that we have to admit as reporters. traditionally news organizations were led by white men and for so long these things get passed along. i've never been in a news room where someone said listen, tamron, we're going to put the beautiful white girl, no one

said that but the actions lead to that, so you don't have to say the word with your actions. in the recent case, i saw four or five cameras at one location. do you know how much money that costs? >> trevor: right. >> she and her family deserve that because god forbid my child was missing, i want your whole newscast. >> trevor: right. >> so you understand the desire for the parent to want that coverage, but where is the responsibility? and i know and you and i both know journalists of color who are in the news room now are saying it more. >> trevor: right. >> but more importantly are in powerful positions. they think the power is in front of the camera, and i go to schools and j. schools and talk to students, the power is not in front of the camera. that's why we want to be executive producers on the shows. when you are an executive in charge of a news room or organization and you bring your perspective and sensibility, that changes the news room, and we're seeing that more. but i wrote this book a year and a half ago. i could never have imagined we would be talking about this but

clearly i did imagine it because it's in the book. >> trevor: yeah, because it's in the book, something happening now, and unfortunately it's something that happened to you. it's a fascinating read. not just because of how it ties into who you are and what you've done but just because it's a really fascinating read. congratulations on your first novel, one of this. we'll have you back for the next ones and congratulations on a successful daytime show. >> means the world to me, thank you. >> trevor:time's book, "as the wicked watch" is available now. wicked watch" is available now. hi. i'm wolfgang puck

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-- "the daily show" is launching a new merch collection and inspired by our segment if you don't know now you know. 100% of the viacom proceeds will be donated to 826-national the largest youth writing network in the country that sets up underserved students for success with the power of writing. so if you want to support 826-national and look pretty cool doing it, scan the qr code below or head to the link. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your season and, remember, if you're short on money, just go to six flags and borrow money from that guy. he's loaded. maybe someone should rob him. no, don't. but maybe. but don't. now, here it is... your moment of zen. >> i did want to address a lot of the comments that have been flooding from for all of my shows from all of you. some good, some not so good. help me out. >> cavuto, you shad enough model in your brain to present a pint

of penicillin and haven't learned a thing. life is too short to been an ass, says cavuto. who's an expert in being an ass. >> your words are from the heart. but don't you have a bad heart? >> i had open heart surgery. >> keep your chubby hands off my body you full figured freak. i decide what i take, not some mr. potato head aheatist with snap on fake hair who gets paid by big pharma. >> is there supposed to be helping my recovery? just curious. - thanks for having us all over for dinner, chris and linda. - yes, it was fabulous. - oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little butters. - yeah, we figured that if our boys are gonna be great friends, we should all get to be friends too.

- friends by default. [laughs] - well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately. i think ever since their friend kenny died, they've been looking for someone to fill the void. - well, our son is a perfect void-filler. it's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies. - look, you guys, butters is asleep. - he's such a douche bag. - hey, you guys ever seen this trick? when someone's sleeping you can take a glass of warm water, and you put their hand in it. - yeah, and then what? - and then you pee on 'em. - heh-heh, heh-heh. - no, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water and it makes them pee. - oh, really? oh, well. - and we were thinking since they've all become such close friends how great it would be for us to all go together to aspen for a ski weekend. - aspen? we can't really afford that. - no, you see, linda and i found this ad where you can get two nights free in a condo in aspen if you attend a time-share presentation. - they let you stay for free? - yes, and all we have to do is attend a 30-minute meeting. - well, that sounds like a good deal. - sounds good to me. let's go this weekend.

- oh, boy, skiing in aspen, i can't wait. - hey, boys, we're all going to aspen for the weekend. all: all right! - wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies! oh, i'm all sticky. - here we are everyone. [intro to take on me by a-ha] ♪ ♪ - oh, this is gonna be so much fun. i haven't skied in years. - where are butters and eric? - they're still asleep. - butters, eric, come on, we gotta get to the powder. [knocking]

- hello, folks, i'm phil, and this is josh. we're with the aspen time-share company. all: hello. - you folks enjoying the condo? - it's lovely, thank you. - you guys, you guys. you're not gonna believe this, this is so funny. - what? - so last night while butters was asleep i gave him a "hitler." - what's a hitler? - you know, when somebody's sleeping you put your finger up your butt and then wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little hitler mustache. you've never hitler'd anyone? - no, i never have. - shh, shh, here he comes. - good morning, fellas! all set to go skiing? - [laughing] - what's so funny? - nothing, butters. right guys? - well, we can't wait to show you what aspen time-share is offering investors. shall we do our 30-minute meeting? - oh, do we have to do it right now? - well, best to do it and get it out of the way. - okay. - boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill. all: okay. - we'll meet you boys on the slopes. - hey, do you guys smell that? - smell what? - it kind of smells stinky in this condo. - [snickering] i don't smell anything, do you, guys?

- you guys smell that? it smells bad out here too. i'm starting to think this whole town smells like doo-doo. - yeah, well, you see, that's why they call it ass-pen. - all right, little dudes, great to see you out here. my name is thumper, and i'm gonna be your cool ski instructor. - his name is thumper? - we're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'cause what is skiing about? having a good...? time, that's right. now just a few safety things to keep in mind. first of all, look straight ahead when you ski. if you look down you're gonna fall. you're gonna have a bad time. also, be aware of skiers around you. if you run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross-- gonna have a bad time. - so where's the part where we have a good time? - hey, little dude, you got some crap right here. - that's my face, sir. - okay, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions. to go slow, we wedge our skis together

in the shape of a slice of pizza. then to go faster, we put them parallel like... french fries; you see that? pizza, french fries... pizza, french fries... - hey, this is gonna be just like eating at shakey's, huh, fellas? - okay, let's have the little dude on the end try it first. what's your name? - ike! - okay, mike, ski down to me. - go on, ike. - pizza, french fries... pizza, french fries, french fries! pizza! - okay, you see what he did? he french fried when he should've pizza'd. you french fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time. - and so we think we can convince you to buy one of our condos that's opening right here in phase four. - that sounds like a great investment opportunity. - i'm sorry, but none of us can really afford to own our own vacation condo. - yeah, to be honest, we're just doing this meeting