hating themselves because of instagram, are you changing your name, imagine if hitler -- hitler came out in the middle of war, okay guys, yeah, yeah, i heard your feedback and i've gotten your messages and i understand what i am doing is not great, and so from now on i'm going by the name gary, yeah? okay, cool, so adolf no more, from now gary. and i'm shaving the mustache, yeah? okay. tootel loo, i'm off to france. you know what i mean, none of us would be like yeah, that solve it. it would be funny if gary was-- that just doesn't, you know, hitler sounds evil as well, hitler. it really does. hitler, adolf, sounds-- gary is coming! be like you know, did he forget his umbrella? it. >> coming to you from the heart of time square in new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show."

tonight the democrats might be doing something. and kristen soltist anderson and this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: what is going on, welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah and joining me for today's headlines is our very own desi lydic. >> what's going on desi, so good to see you again. >> good to see you, i'm good, i'm good, everything is good, i'm just getting ready for the holiday. halloween. yeah. yeah. kind of, i don't know, i'm dreading it this year, you know? i feel like there will be so many people dressed up as karen. like my culture is not a costume. listen, if i see one karen costumek i'm calling the cops. don't [bleep] around and find out. [bleep] around and find out. do you celebrate halloween? >> trevor: no, no, where i'm from generally witches and goblins were thing that would get you killed so you would try not to be that.

>> let's go with that, let's go with your way, let's be done with it, be done with halloween. anyway, i'm super happy to be here. >> trevor: i'm glad to have you here, let's do it. let's kick things off with a big news in congress. the only place with more in-fighting than an episode of succession. after months of whittling down the bill to satisfy joe manchin and kyrsten sinema today president biden revealed what is left of his big social policy bill. a lot of what is what originally there is now gone. like free community college is out. and so is paid family and medical leave. which means america will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break. u.s.a., surks u.s.a. >> oh, and medic air won't cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. which makes sense. you know biden made sure that that stayed in. when you have a president who whispered as much as he does you

have to make sure people can at least hear him. plus if you have hearing, you don't need vision. you know? people can be like hey, look out, duck. and you will be fine. but there is still a lot left in the bill that dem drats want, rightk things like universal pre-k, an extension of the child tax credit and half a trillion dollars to fight climate change. and today president biden went on tv to tell america why it needs this bill. and man, he did not sugar coat the situation. >> 30 years ago we ranked number seven among the advanced economies in the world as a share of women working. you know what we are today, we rank 23rd. we used to lead the world in educational achievement. now the organization for economic development ranks america 35th. our infrastructure used to be rated the best in the world, today we rank 13th in the world. we can't be competitive in the 21s century global economy if we

continue to slide. >> damn, joe biden is scolding the nation. but i do understand what biden is saying. america in the pot used to be great. and it should be made to be that way again. huh. someone should put that on a hat. and the sad thing, the sad thing is that biden wanted a much big erbil to address these problems but the bill he is trying to sell now is much smaller than that. you know, it's like a doctor telling you in order to cure your cancer i want to cut the entire tumor out. and when you wake up from surgery he's like so all i could do was rub a little vices on it, and i hope that helps. dr. manchin wouldn't let me use the scalpel. oh, and by the way who ranks infrastructure. i always wondered this. because you realize there is a world ranking of countries by infrastructure. but who is that person? who ranks it, is it thriek a guy who goes from country to country rating bridges? is this a guy running around, that bridge is trash.

yo, that bridge is great. that bridge is really great. yo, i [bleep] that bridge, shoot. >> i have always been attracted to a covered bridge, you know, like what are you hiding under there mr. bridge, so much mystery. you thought of that, right. >> trevor: no, i genuine leigh have never thought. >> don't tell may you you haven't thought of it. >> trevor: i never thought of a bridge being sexy. >> just one time. >> trevor: never. >> a little bit. >> trevor: maybe the brooklyn bridge. >> yeah, right, i would bleep bleep that bridge too. >> trevor: i said attractive and you took it to the next level. >> okay, the thing i can't get passed is the they want to droop paid family leave. i am trying to get paid to threef my family. it is is really messed up. especially now like this whole holiday season, it st so stressful. have you ever tried to shop for halloween costumes for your kid? it st like a war zone in those stores. i had a lady pry a costume right out of my hands just because it

was still on her kid. very competitive situation. i have to create a magical holiday for my kid, you know, you got to do what you got to do. >> trevor: really painful, sad story. >> i don't know why you had to make it it so sad. >> trevor: i apologize. >> it it was perfectly appropriate the way i said it it. >> trevor: yeah, i have a tendency to bring things down. all right, well this will bring us up. let's move on to our next story. it is about gender, you know, how you know what section of a clothing store to look around in before you buy it later online. more and more people are accepting that gender is fluid and that people can have different gender identities aside from male and female. there are gender neutral pronouns, gender neutral bathrooms, gender neutral, gender reveal parties which is the most probing ressive way to waste your friend's time and now gender neutrality is coming to your most important government documents. ance a milestone in recognizing the rights of people without do

not identify as male or female. the u.s. department of state has issued a first ever gender neutral passport using the letter x in place of m or f to indicate gender identify. they announce there will o no longer be a requirement for certification of a person's gend fer it does not fit on identification documents they say they plan to tawfer gender into traw knew pral-- neutral passports more broadly next year. >> trevor: no, no, this is unfair. why do i have to be stuck with a boring ass letter like m when other pem can get x. x is inti far the coolest letter, x men, x rated movies, malcolm x, the x-factor, it neen there is something special about you. but the m factor sounds like the north korean translation of the matrix that translated back into english. for real though, it is greatful, people who are gender neutral but like i don't even understand why gender neutral needs to be

listed on passports in the first place. you are letting a person into a country, not a nightclub. the customer is not going to stop you at the border, hold off t say real sausage fest in there right now. hold on, i need a few ladies to come on in. and i know some people are going to say this is a security risk, trevor. the gender on the passport helps you confirm a person's identity. let me tell you something, passport is already terrible at confirming somebody's identity because passports last for ten years. no one looks the same in their photos after ten years. black people do but not like the rest of you, y'all age like bananas. hey, i'm glad they're updating anything on the passport. i mean it is the 21s century. can i pay for stuff by waving my phone over a chip. but when i travel, i still have to carry around a little book that they make me put a stamp in. i feel like i should be boarding a steam ship to my vacation. >> it is an arduous journey but a better life awaits us in

cancun. going to be really hard for us. it's a long journey, but my father took this trip and he never made it. and this could be it it, a new life for us in a new place that has unlimited margaritas. it is ridiculous, why do we still use a passport. >> that was a good accent, very good. >> trevor: thank you so much. i think in a previous life i was a british pesh leaving to come to america. >> i believe that. i believe that. >> trevor: that is my vibe. >> i get that vibe from you. >> trevor: like the passport. >> i love using my passport, i love it, sometimes when i want to feel fancy i bring my passport to places that i know will card me. >> trevor: your actual passport, you go around with it. >> yeah, yeah, you know, like when i want to feel a little extra fancy about something. >> trevor: wow. >> it trillion makes buffalo wild wings feel like i will not throw up there in four hours.

not from the alcohol, from the food. i once had a trick or treater throw up in my house. and this is why i am not passing out candy this year. i'm just going to take taye basket and fill it up with everything i want to get rid of in my house, old batteries, clam shell packaging, chargers, those tiny hangers that come with socks, just get rid of all of it it is like a too fer because then word gets out and then the kids don't show up and i finally get a good night's sleep and also you get to clean out your apartment. >> trevor: the joy of halloween is like the treats, no? >>-- i mean it is an effective strnlings sort of using children to clean out my apartment that way. >> it is very effective. >> trevor: which trick or treater threw up in your apartment, who were they? >> legally i'm not allowed to say. it might be a relative. >> trevor: you live an

interesting life, desi lydic. >> thank you. >> trevor: now that we all have our passports let's head to the airport for our next story. if you have ever thought you were stuck at the airport for a long time you have got nothing on this guy. he was arrested after living in chicago's o'hare apartment for three months. yeah-- he was crashing in the boarding area until police finally noticed something was wrong. and honestly, i think we give the tsa a hard time for racial profiling but i have to ta plaw them. this guy was hang around the airport for three months and the tsa was like whoa, whoa, let's not jump to any conclusions. good for them. that was the right call too because now a judge has ruled that this man didn't break any laws and also he had a pretty good reason for not wanting to board his plane. >> the man was supposed to fly home from los angeles to india but he says because of covid he was too scared to fly internationally. a judge has acquitted him of felony trespassing. >> trevor: yeah, he slept in an airport for three months

because he was that scared of getting covid on a plane. which sounds ridiculous now but guys, you remember what it was like back in 2020, we all went a little overboard back in the day. like when covid was still new, everyone was panicking. for a few months i was so scared of covid i wasn't even washing my hands. the only thing i don't understand was how he was able to ta ford living in the pairp fo three months you seen airport price, a turkey wrap costs $20, he do have bought his own private jet. this story could have only happened at a nice airport like o o'hare, 20 minutes in he would have been get me on the plane, i will take my chances with the virus, i will take my chances with the virus, have you ever been talk in an airport. >> i spent way too much time in an airport. i feel like i'm constantly in airports. it is kind of like that guy is living in that tom hanks movie terminal. >> trevor: yes. >> but i guess if you are going to live in a tom hanks movie that is the movie you want to

live in because you don't want to be stranded on an island or fighting in world war ii, you know, or that movie philadelphia. where he had to live in philadelphia. tragic. no one should have to go through that. no one. i think i'm going to do what this guy did and i'm just going to live in an airport for the entire holiday season. just avoid the whole mischief night thing, toilet papering houses, egging windows, i have to do that to all the kids houses in the neighborhood. it's exhausting. >> trevor: you do that? >> yeah, yeah, like a preemive strike. okay, i do my own house too so that way they don't know that i'm the one doing it. >> trevor: well, i mean, at least you're being considerate. >> right? >> trevor: yeah. >> big picture. >> trevor: well, thank you so

much for joining me, desi, have a happy halloween. i hope you enjoy it and i hope-- did you ent up getting the-- for your kid. >> do you hear sirens? [bleep] i have to go. >> trevor: desi t is just time square, desi. desi. they don't arrest white women, oh man, she didn't need to run. all right, well we're going to take taye quick break but when we come back ronnie chieng and roy wood, jr. are going to catch up on the world of sports, all sports, so don't go away. desi, you don't have to run. they'll understand.

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daily show t has been a big week in sports and so to dach you up on what is going on we turn now to ronnie chieng and roy wood, jr. in another ep today of i apologize for talking while you were talking what's up sports nuts i'm roy wood, jr., stepping in for michael kosta is ronnie chieng, ronny, the world series is here, who you got winning. >> i'm going for the new york mets all the way, roy. >> the mets are not even in the series, it is atlanta and houston. >> i love an underdog story, baby. >> fair enough, good luck to the mets but while baseball is ending, basketball is just getting started and no one is

more pumped up than knicks fans after winning their home opener. >> z the knicks are here, baby. >> de blasio, we had cuomo, it was rough but we have the knicks. >> we are the best team in the nba. we are winning the nba feenls this year. >> . >> the only other time you see new yorker this excited is when a relative of a rent controlled apartment dies. >> pretty much, man, these fans to to relax tks st way too early like riding the titanic oh this is a good ass ride throw away the life jackets. >> you have to understand how starved new yorks are for a winning team. everyone knows they suck, you call that sicilian defense, gregor. >> look, don't forget about the brooklyn nets. >> drill team. >> they could go all the way, could go all the way and they also much like the knicks have

some insane fans. >> chaos outside the barkley center in brooklyn as anti-vax protestors breeched the bar kids ahead of the net's home opener. so nets guard irving not playing because he is refusing to be vaccinated for covid-19, and defying the city's mandate. arena staff employees got the crowd under control quickly and the game went on as scheduled. >> i have never seen fans try to storm anarena before, were they there to support irving or hang my. >> i think they wanted to get approximate inside and see what happened. >> but at rena staff, controlling a crowd like that is not easy. you have to send them off with a covid vaccine. you have to pick up a needle. >> right, look, this situation has clearly gotten out of hand, i'm going to make a personal plea here. come on kyrie, is this what you really want, a huge crowd of loyal fans chanting your fame willing to kill for you?

within exact teully make it sound pretty good thrarks is not a bad deal. >> i can see how would you see it that way, never mind, i will get back to you on that later. have you seen squid game, roy. >> yes and no, have i watched the original korean version with no sub titles so i did not understand what was going on. >> okay. >> well, lebron james has tacked about it and it is causing quite the problem. >> superstar nba player may have set off a war of words with the creator of squid games i'm talking about lebron james, james was caught on camera talking about squid games when fello laker anthony davis saying that he hated the ending of the season. >> i did finish. >> you done? >> yeah. >> i didn't like the ending. >> now the hit show's create certificate clapping back, in an interview with the guardian the creator responded to james' criticism, she said you have

seen space jam 2. >> i love, this nba rivalries were getting stale trk st time they start beefing with people in other fields. next i want to stee westbrook talk shit about the new wes anderson movie. >> i don't want to hear these guys exchanges word, i don't like it it, settle it squid game style. the loser faces the ultimate pirnment. >> yeah, watching space jam 2. >> no, no, why is everybody keep shitting on space jam 2. >> have you watched it. >> yes, i watched in the original korean i love it. >> why are you watching it in korean. >> i lost my rocku remote, i can't change the language back. >> rocku remote isn't the only thing that disappeared. something else is disappearing from the nba right now too. >> it appears the days of players contorting their bodies to draw fouls may finally be taking a hit, if you will. >> due to a rule change officials are no longer blowing the whistle on quote abnormal

nonbasketball moves made with the intent to draw fouls. >> whatever you think of the new rules they're making an impact across the nba. this season teams are averaging 19 moi 5 free throw attempts ber game which would be the low nest any season in nba history. >> i think we can all agree that this is a great change for the nba. >> yes, i want nba basketball it to get back to the old school yeah, straight up smoking a significant ar on the sidelines with. >> a team of all white get paid 40 bucks a year and think dunking is unsportsman like. >> that is too far back but i do say ronnie,-- free throws, i miss them, give me a chance to grab a drink, take a trip to the bathroom and. >> free throws suck, you shouldn't get a point because do you this. a point now. >> that is a foul, what if somebody comes up to you and

does you like that. is that a foul. >> was that a foul. >> was that-- oh, my hair. is this a foul? is this a foul? i got your right here stop playing plan. [bleep]. >> you know how to use those? >> of course i do. [bleep]. >> stop, that say foul that is a foul. that is a foul, foul. [bleep]. >> sorry, you were right about the foul, were you right. >> no, no, i'm sorry, man. i stole your rocku remote because i was jealous. sometimes i think you value your rocku more than our friendship. >> no, not any more. >>

>> trevor: thank you so much, guys, i'm glad you worked it all out. when we come back i'm going to have an actual republican have an actual republican joining me on the show, i'm so ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪them man are doing this thing part time♪ ♪no i'm doing this thing all day♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪look, no i don't care what you think or say♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ i like it, i love it, i want some more of it♪

♪i try so hard, i can't rise above it♪ ♪don't know what it is 'bout that little gal's lovin'♪ ♪but i like it, i love it♪ applebee's. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. [humming] ♪ i'm paying them no mind ♪ ♪ hands to the sky, all mine and pardon when i shine ♪ ♪ hands to the sky, all mine ♪ ♪ woah, woah no ceiling woah woah good feeling woah woah ♪ ♪ i might send it up ♪ ♪ ♪

♪♪ ♪ i might send it up ♪ ♪♪

♪♪ my guest tonight is republican pollster and author of the selfie vote, kristen soltis anderson is here to talk about young voters, the polarization of america and the future of the republican party. kristen, welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: this is exciting. i think you are the first help can -- republican guest have i had in, wow, six, seven months. >> do i get a merit badge for bravery. >> trevor: you can take anything you want from the studio and you can take it with you. but your position is really interesting because you are not just a republican but a republican pollster, as somebody constantly asking the question, i would love to get into your mind into what is happening in today's america. like so let's start because you specialize, i would love to talk about the republican party. you have got the republicans like mitch mcconnell, you know,

the old paul ryan, john-- old school vibe and then trump republicans, that is what it it feels like to me. and it seems like its that gotten to the point where even someone like mitch mcconnell is seen as a rhino, i would love to know, is that what is happening in the republican party is or is it more complicated. >> the republican party is split between people who think of themselves at republicans first and people who think first and foremost as trump supporters. they are at the party but mostly there because of donald trump. they are less interested in the imrks op lake. you immediate to see even before trump came on the scene if you ask people, you have a favorable or unfavourable view of the republican party, there were a lot of republicans who say they have an unfavourable view of the party because they view their own party leaders to-- that is part of why done all trump was able it to come out of nowhere, surprise everybody and win the republican nomination in 2016. and that kind of stuck, even today when i asked republican voters what are the attributes

they're looking for in a candidate. having a personality like donald trump is por the bottom of the list. but the fight-- that is for the top of the list of what republicans are looking for. >> trevor: it is interesting because have i seen a lot of democratic voters complaining that they don't feel like their leadership fights enough to get what they want. >> democrats may be a decade behind where republicans were, if there is going to be a fight within the democratic party for does our party immediate to be focused on accomodating moderates, broadening, or do you immediate to take power when you have it and use it it to accomplish as much as possible on your agenda, that is what we are seeing play on capitol hill now. >> trevor: when you look at the fight happening within the republican party, for me i often think that the polarization in america is in part created by the fact that we have two choices. and i have always thought if you have two choices inevitably we are going it to be enemies with each other, let's say in sport we can choose our teams, kristen you have your team, i have my

team, we hate that team together so we can team up and get something done, i see that in politics, or south africa, you are forced it to create coalitions and alliances it to get to a common goal but you don't have to be on the same team all the way through, if there were some world where for instance trump has his own party and then you have the traditional, the marco rubio republican party and then you have the democrat which is a joe biden but also like the bernie sanders aoc democratic party, from what you see and polled, how would people vote and what would the lay of the land be? within so the republican party would probably look like approximate we were europek a combination of a traditional conservative party, your torreys in the u.k. and further right more populist anti-immigration type party. you have those in a number of different european countries as well. and the gop can split evenly between those, the democratic party meanwhile most democrats tend to fall into that labor party type camp, center left. but the youngest democrats are pretty split between that and a

imreen party type vision. and then of course this little piece in the middle which are the sort of conservatives, socially progressive, libertarian type. there is not very many of them in the electorate. they tend to be really overrepresented in business and media, and my friend imrowps but not that many out there. but they tend to vote more democratic than republican so that is the coalition would look like but overwhelmingly between the voters in both of those coalitions they vote partisanwise the way would you expect so both populist and conservatives are voting republican in almost the same measure. so even though it is split into five parties it it it would be pass mating and you have all sorts of deal making you would still i have i have this pretty buy nary coalition that is formed. >> okay. okay. then if it it would be buy nary then maybe this next question will help me understand some of the issues america paces and that is because you were one of the few republicans who i have the privilege of speaking to, i would love to know, from your perspective what is it it about republicans that people don't

understand and i don't mean like the pieces in "the new york times" like what you don't get about why this man is racist. i don't mean that. i mean i see many people who go i'm republican and they about oh no, i believe in gay rights, i believe gay people can get married and i also believe this and i about oh this seems like a blurring of what i thought republican meant. so what do you think that broadly democrats don't understand about a person who says i'm republican? within i think there is an assumption that once you put that label on that are you signing up for all of the policy positions that are on a party platform that they adopted. and that is not the case. to your point about with if we had five parties, there are a lot of people in the u.s. that have really different views on issues than what the party label is that they wear. and so you have a lot of republicans you who might hold, might say i think climate change say real problem. i don't love the green new deal but i want to do something about it within we have seen it tw younger republicans. >> exactly. i think there is a lot of

assumption trk is easy on your own side to say we have a lot of different people, but they it it is not true, in polling we often often fall into this trap much looking at things, this group is a monday o lith and that imrowp is a monday o lith because we are breaking things down, but is true i have rarely seen republicans agree on pretty much anything, same with democrats. >> do you think then the polarization is less about the parties and then maybe more about the fact that the parties hem selves have chosen to only take one thing? sometimes i peel like an american politics remember in school when you were picking your team to play with, all right i pick barry, sean, emily, that is all you can have, sometimes when i look at american politics i think of that. why is it that democrats don't seem to want to dlaim the finances they don't want to dlaim the economics of things seems like it it is mostly social and the republican side i couldn't see them trying to think about oh, okay, how would we fix immigration, mot just

shut down immigration s there something in that has politics gotten to the point where people claim one side so the other team has to claim the opposite side as opposed to prepting i guess differing ideas on how to fix the same issue. >> it is definitely the case that take someone like donald trump was able to polarize people on an issue just by taking a position on it. so an issue like russia is a perfect example where republicans used to view russia as a threat and democrats hout not so much as soon as we got past the 20167 election, they said russia the number one add-- adversary, so events people can suddenly adapt their views to what is going on and where leaders stand. but i think our polarization is much less about where people stand on issues because to the earlier point lots of people believe things that don't all pit meetly into one bucket. they take some from colume a and some were colume b, the polarization is about a feeling of being under threat. democrats today feel very under let were republicans. they worry that republicans are going to roll back voting

rights, that republicans want to take retrograde positions on cultural schs and at the same time republicans worry that democrats want to radically change america so the other thing that i think has driven republicans to gravitate toward a figurer like donald trump and the desire to fight is that republicans see themselves losing influence mot just in hollywood or academia where republicans have complained they don't have power but even in say big business, it it used to be not, ten years ago republicans were the party of big business, and now republicans complain what they think big brands sort of keeping younger consumers are moving to the left culturally. you've also go tech, about ten years ago teb wasn't necessarily partisan but republicans now adays sort of love it to say big tech is against us, and it is that sense of feeling under threat that i think leaves a lot of republicans to look for someone like donald trump who they say will fight for them. >> do you think that this game with donald truch. i remember a point where right before the primary, right before

the rate race really iman, obama was leaving. the race was wide open. and i specifically remember republicans saying guys, we need to appeal to voters of color. we need to appeal to hispanic voters. we need to get out there. we need to change. women need to be in our ranks, we need to get out there. and donald trump came and that just disappeared and it it seems like the strategy was oh no, are we just going to gal an viez-- galvanize what we had and that is all we are looking for, has that become the smip and do you hi that will become the path of the republican party por the time, for the near future? >> i think everybody loves a winner and so for republicans they saw donald trump pulling off something, that mitt romney hadn't, that john mccain hadn't so okay, even approximate they personally are not style exksly donald truchish or didn't really like him that much. he put a w on the scoreboard and i think that changed a lot of republicans minds and that is part of why he is fighting so hard to make his case it to

claim that he didn't lose the 2020 election because for him his power is entirely wrapped up in the idea that republicans thinking that is a guy who knows how to win. so if trump is no longer in office and is he not running por office at least am 20e 22 are there other republicans who can out approximate w's on the scoreboard by doing something a little bit different and give the party a different model for okay we tried that. it worked just one time t didn't work in 2020. now let's try something different. i think republicans will gravitate toward a new strat goo if a new strat can prove it can win pe p at the ballot box. >> thank you for joining us. >> thank you. >> trevor: good luck, i know the mid terms will start ramping up and you will be out there asking everyone every type of question, hopefully we will have you back to explain some of this. >> be sure to check out the selfie vote, the really pass mating book and listen to the trend line with kristen-- kristen soltis anderson. we will take a break but be we will take a break but be rights back aft these folks don't have time to go to the post office

they use stamps.com all the services of the post office only cheaper get a 4-week trial plus postage and a digital scale go to stamps.com/try and never go to the post office again.

our show for tonight. but before we go please consider supporting the violence intervention program in new york city. they work within latino communities to end domestic and sexual violence by providing emergency shelter, advocacy for long-term economic stability and-- stability and legalling for survivors and children fmplet you want to support please donate at the link below. until next time stay safe out there. get your vaccine and remember, the neck time your flight is delayed you are not stuck it at the airport, you are touring your new home. now here it is your moment of

zen. >> our parade is back in again greenwich village, it is going to be an amazing time and i want to remind everyone of the prime directive, live long and prosper with candy. all right, now beam me up. i'm supposed to change immediately tk is supposed to just-- okay i'm going to have to put this back on. captioning sponsored by - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪

♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - and in other news, another school shooting has taken place, this time in idaho. as these kinds of shootings increase, one thing becomes clear: your children are not safe at school. - oh, god! change it! change it! - this was the second time a terrorist threat has been made on a theme park leaving everyone to realize that children are not safe outside. - oh, god, change it! - and it seems there is a new danger to look out for: children who are taken by strangers. the bottom line: children are not safe in their own homes. - [screams] - tweek. come to the kitchen, sweetie. we need to see you real quick. - oh, god, they're gonna get me. - sit down and have some coffee, son. tweek, there are starting to be a lot of reports on the news about children being abducted, and we thought we should talk. - i saw! - you know never to talk to strangers, right, tweek?

you can't trust anybody. - oh, god! - now, we don't want to alarm you, son, but we've installed new locks on your bedroom windows and door. it's important for you to know never to unlock them at night for anyone except your mother and i. - oh, jesus! - it's just a precaution, sweetie. probably nothing will ever happen. - no! no! they're gonna get me. agh, oh, god... just a dream. [gasps] [wind whistling] oh, my god! [knock on door] [screams] - tweek, this is officer daniels! now, try and stay calm, but we believe an abductor is in your room! - inside my room? oh, god! - give it up, buddy! we've got you surrounded! okay, tweek, i want you to very calmly but quickly walk to the door and come out to us. - oh, my god! oh, oh, jesus, see me through this. ah! [screams] - bang, you're dead, tweek. - what?

- you failed the test, son. didn't i tell you not to open the door for anybody except your mother and i? - oh, god! oh, jesus! - what if that had been a child abductor pretending to be a police officer, tweek? - he would have sprayed your brains all over the floor and then taken your body off to the woods. - [screaming] - you've got to be on your toes, tweek. all right, now go to bed and get some rest. - night, pumpkin. - [whimpering] - i hope this movie doesn't suck ass. - it will. - one, please. - wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker guy! - so? - so i don't know him! - dude, relax. - you relax! what if he wants to kill me? - god, what the hell did his parents do to him? - excuse me, is this the right road to breckenridge? - [screams] - uh, please, i just need to know if this is--south park? - get away from me! [panting] - could you help me across the street? - i don't know you! - oh, hey, kid! oh, thank god you happened by.

my chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks. if you hadn't have shown up-- well, anyway, could you give me a push? - uh-uh! - no, you don't understand. i'm paralyzed from the neck down. i push the chair with this device in front of my mouth, but it's not working, so you see-- - i not supposed to talk to you! - please, this isn't funny, kid. you have to help me. - but it could be a trick! [train horn blaring] huh, that's a pretty good trick. [screams] - relax, tweek. i am not here to hurt you. i am the ghost of human kindness. - the ghost of human kindness? - you have never seen the likes of me before. - what do you want? - you have lost faith in humanity, lad, something i cannot bear to see happen. - how can i help it? it seems like everywhere i turn, someone is out to get me! - that is the world that the news reports. it is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with. but it is not the world as it is.