and announce that trump is now president. and the people actually came there, and they were like, we're waiting. and, like, everyone online was roasting them, like this is trash. this is stupid. actually, i watched that and i was like i think i want to join qanon. not for, like, the things they believe in, but just for the communal aspect. it seems like they get people out. everyone is hanging around together. it must be a cool place to meet very interesting people. like very, very interesting people you could meet there, you know. also, can we all agree on something-- if a dead person comes back from the dead, if anyone comes back from the dead, and they say anything, we have to, like agree with it. if someone comes back from the dead and says trump is president or anyone is president, we have to go with them because they came back from the dead. it's not in the constitution, but it should be. ( laughter ) like, i don't know about you guys, i'm going with the dead person. you know what i mean? it's even a thing, like, from the bible. jesus was alive people were like

eeh. then he came back from the dead. until that day we were like yo, yo, my man. whatever that guy says. when you come back-- anyone could tell you shit. if someone comes back from the dead, tupac comes back now, anything he says, i'm doing it. >> announcer: coming to you from the hart of new york city in america, the only city in me america, it's "the daily show." this is "the daily show with trevor noah." >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah. let's jump right into today's headlines. we kick things off with abortion-- a great topic for any first date.

last may, texas tried to ban abortion in a new way: they didn't outlaw it, but they made it possible to sue anybody who gave or helped someone get an abortion, and if you win, you get at least $10,000. so, for example, if i drove someone to an abortion clinic in texas, anybody can sue me for $10,000, anybody on earth-- you, my seventh-grade girlfriend, brad pitt-- anybody! "snitches get riches." and the reason texas structured the law this way is so that the supreme court couldn't overturn it. but yesterday, the supreme court looked at this case anyway, and they didn't sound too happy with texas getting cute like this. >> today, as protestors rallied outside the supreme court, inside, for the first time, a majority of justices signaled they are not comfortable with the new texas law. >> conservative justices brett kavanaugh and amy coney barrett today questioned whether that loophole should be closed. >> kavanaugh theorized that a left-leaning state could offer a $1 million bounty against those who sell an assault rifle, like an ar-15, then claim it wasn't using state power because only private parties could bring the suits.

>> trevor: uh-oh, looks like the conservative justices have to choose what they care about more: guns or fetuses? this is tough. unless... what if women gave birth to guns? that's it! we just make women give birth to guns. then everyone wins. >> i will say, this really shows you how bullshit this law is, because banning abortion has been the goal for conservatives for over four decades now, but even they aren't willing to do it like this. it would be like a lonely guy finally losing his virginity, but only because he fell into the gorilla pit at the zoo. it's not what he wanted-- it's what he wanted but not what he wanted. but the justices are right: this law could lead to a future where everyone is just suing each other all the time. let's be honest, there are already too many lawsuits in america. i mean, america had to make jerry springer a judge. yeah, jerry springer has a court show now!

they were like, "who's that guy who used to have conjoined twins slap each other on tv? give him a robe. he's a judge now!" we need more judges. we need more judges. but let's move on to a story about cryptocurrency: it's like if money got into vaping. everyone has heard of bitcoin, of course, but did you know there are thrnldz of other digital coins out there. why? because anyone can make a cryptocurrency-- you, my seventh-grade girlfriend, brad pitt-- anybody! all you need is a computer and the willingness to bore your friends to death at parties. anyway, and the other day, an exciting new cryptocurrency came out called squid, that the creators said was inspired by "squid game," which is a thing people do: they give their money a name based on a tv show or a meme, and then people who like that thing buy the coin which, be honest, is the stupidest way to invest in something, because what if the thing you're a fan of becomes unpopular? trust me, that's how i got stuck with $10,000 worth of cuomo coin.

and now i can't touch it. but so many people wanted squid coins, that the price of each one shot up to nearly $3,000, which is when all the people selling it took all that money and disappeared. >> the "squid game" cryptocurrency we have been talking about on the program. looks like it was part of a scam. >> what happened was called a "rug pull." the coin's creators just abandoned the project by exchanging the coin for cash. they walked away with $3.3 million, or every dollar ever invested in squid coin. they left 40,000 investors holding the bag after the crash. >> it was a scam. case closed. >> trevor: oh, man, i feel bad for these people-- not too bad. because did they not see the show? were they like, "wow, these nice "squid game" people are promising me easy money. what could go wrong?" i mean, this is one advantage that real money has over crypto money, because the government can't just cash out and leave. you'll never see biden hopping on air force one like, "ha-ha, i converted all the dollars to

yen. sayonara, jack. come on, let's get out of here, man. i did a little malarkey." if you want to invest your money smartly, just go to a bar near wall street at 5:00, hide in the bathroom, and then see what professional investors are saying. that's how i ended up investing in a little thing called "cocaine." made a lot of money doing that. and, finally, let's talk about space travel. one day it will be as glamorous and romantic as it is in science fiction. we'll fly past stars in beautiful ships and fight with laser swords and make out with our sister, but we didn't know she was our sister at the time, which makes it all right. but right now, that future is light-years away. >> space-x is faced with another engineering problem. this time, it's in the bathroom.

a leaky toilet is the latest issue onboard spacex's dragon capsule, which means everyone onboard won't have a toilet during their journey. the four astronauts will have to rely on backup undergarments. i think they mean diapers. officials did not say how long the crew would be without an inoperable toilet >> trevor: you know, it's pretty humbling that no matter what technological advances we come up with, we still got to deal with our poop which, let's be honest, will be really embarrassing if we ever meet aliens. ( alien ) "greetings, earthling, would you like to know the mysteries of the-- i'm sorry, did-- did you defecate in your pants?" ( human ) "yeah, it was a really long flight. i'm wearing diapers though, so it's cool. about those secrets? ( alien ) "you know what? we just remembered we have a thing in another galaxy. see you around, maybe. don't come back here." and, you know, what's so embarrassing about diapers? i honestly think diapers are underrated. like, if diapers didn't already exist and someone introduced them as a hot new technology, in 2021, be honest, people would

be excited about them. "guys, what if i told you, you never had to worry about finding a bathroom ever again, because you would always be carrying one with you. you'd make a on shark tank. "barbara, i know you take dumps, so ...." all right, that's all the time we have for headlines. let's move on to our main story. today is election day in america, and there are local races all around the country. york city is electing a new mayor, minneapolis is voting on whether to re-make its police force, hollywood is voting on whether kim and pete davidson should be a thing. but right now, the political world is watching the governors' race in virginia, where the democrat terry mcauliffe is running neck and neck with republican glenn youngkin. and virginia has been a pretty solid blue state for years now, which means that if democrats lose, they might have to rethink their strategy of promising a lot of popular services and then not delivering on any of them. but this year, there's one unexpected voting bloc in virginia that could decide the entire race.

and desi lydic has more. >> covering the news is exhilarating. you travel the country, meet interesting people, and find real stories. but then one day, you realize that the ( bleep ) tuesday in november again. well, it's election day again. ( gagging ) got it? it's election day again. because it's... i can't. it's election day again ( gagging ) virginia! as a journalist, i'm honored to be covering this sacred process. again, i feel super chill about it. i'm good. it's election day again, and we've got another close race on our hands. so you better start clenching those butt cheeks. >> early voting is already under way in the virginia gubernatorial race with the latest polling showing democratic governor terry mcauliffe effectively in a dead heat. >> politico writing, if terry mcauliffe doesn't pull out a win, democrats are privately

predicting a collapse on capitol hill. >> wait, virginia could go red? for a state that went blue by 450,000 votes in the last election, this is a story worth keeping down the vomit. i sat down with jeffrey skelly from 538 to help me make sense of this. sorry about the mess. elections, am i right? why is this race so close? isn't virginia blue? >> virginia has been democratic leaning over the past few years, but president biden is now somewhat unpopular. and i think voters are responding to that. and so the electoral environment is better for republicans. they have a close race in virginia. >> who do you think will actually decide this race? >> young voters are really important because they are basically the democratic-leaning group. one interesting thing mcauliffe has done is run campaign ads attacking glenn youngkin, because he was c.e.o. of the call-out group, involved in the purchase of taylor swift's recordings. they've been using this to try

to get young people pay attention to the race because there are a lot of young people out there, 18-34-year-olds, who really like taylor smith. >> terry mcauliffe recruiting taylor swift fans, reportedly linking his opponent to music executive scooter brawn, who bought swift's master recordings in 2019. >> i was denied the chance to purchase my music outright, my entireical log was sold to scooter brawn. >> one of the targeted ads reading, "did you know republican candidate for governor glenn youngkin helped buy taylor swift's masters out from under her." >> you have to be shitting me. taylor swift fans vote? >> i think that's what the mcauliffe campaign is hoping. >> what group of fans are backing youngkin. chet-heads? >> we don't have any polling on different fan groups of musical artists. >> you're 538. ( bleep ). >> yeah, it's a real nearby--

>> could we be underestimating the swifties? >> i think i would be careful about giving them too much weight, but there are a lot of young people who like taylor swift. we know that's true. >> could taylor swift fans be the key to the virginia race? to find out, i had to dive deep into their fandom, no matter how many of her albums i had to buy on the show's credit card. sorry. this just happened to me without my approval or consent. shame on him! whoa! whoa! finally, after becoming fluent in all things taylor, i gathered a group of her fans in virginia to see how angry they were with candidate youngkin. are you all true fans? you true swifties? did you buy signed "fearless" albums, taylor version? >> i actually do have it and i can pull it up. >> i also have every single taylor record on vinyl right next to me, if we want to go that far, yeah. >> the two most important dates in november is november 2, which

is election day, and november 12. >> are you taking out for taylor's release of "red?" >> i need to get through all the emotions on the songs in the album. >> i am taking off work and my therapist is not getting the day off. >> could this new base of voters actually tip the scales in virginia? >> i'm originally from texas, and the last three years in college, i voted in texas. but i just knew i couldn't just sit by and watch as youngkin took virginia. that's when i decided to change my voter registration. >> wow. okay, so you just changed your registration. this is dedication. >> i was in a weird college area as well where i was voting in my home state, but now i am voting in virginia because of this issue. >> i couldn't help but pity these young girls. there are so many important issues but all they care about is taylor swift's master recordings. >> it's not really about the

masters but, i mean, just a couple of days ago, youngkin came out and said he loved everyone, and when asked if that includes l.g.b.t.q. people, he said no. >> are there other issues that you care about? >> voting rights. >> i'm very passionate about gun violence prevention. >> climate change is going to be the biggest issue of our time. i'm an environmental issue so this is life changing. >> what would you say to boomers, like my aunt sheila who says 14-year-old girls should stay out of politics and stop stealing my sleeping pills, desi. >> i think that's a weird stereotype of taylor swift fans. we're not 14 anymore. we're adults. we pay taxes and vote. >> do you want to see my thesis paper about congressional legislation? i can show you that. don't underestimate us. >> all right, take it easy, molly. geez. i don't want any snake comments on my insta yes, they are fans of taylor swift, and yes, they are in their 20s.

maybe they can make a difference in this upcoming election. no matter what happens, at least now i'll have some great music to cry to, just in time for next election tuesday. >> trevor: thank you so much for that, desi. all right, when we come back, "the daily show" will be on trial. trial. you do ♪ here we go now let's make our own way ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ now is the time and we'll make it okay ♪ ♪ we can make our own way ♪ ♪ ♪

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." there are a lot of major court cases happening right now. and we decide we're going to take them to trial in our brand-new segment "court, court." >> order! order in the court. i call this court session to... session. councilor desi lydic and roy wood jr., are you ready to present your arguments? >> yes, your honor. i look forward to a rigorous debate that will make my opposing counsel look like the little bitch he is. >> let the record show, your

honor, i'm honored to appear before this court. and also they keyeded her car in the parking lot. >> what? >> yeah. >> our first case is about the rioters who stormed the capitol january 6. some of them are going to trial right now, and they have interesting ideas about who should be representing them. >> at least five people charged in the riot at the u.s. capitol have chosen to defend themselves in court. they're brushing aside federal judges' repeated warnings about the risk of trying to navigate their high-stakes cases without a lawyer. >> representing himself in a bond hearing, a january 6 riot defendant brandon fellows admitted to two more felonies, strengthening the case against him. >> alan hoff steadier, facing 20 years in prison on just the conspiracy charge wants to be his own lawyer. >> yes, the election was stolen, the government was overthrown, and right about covid, the lockdown, and the vaccines. so case, closed.

sorry, folks. >> wow, rivetting testimony. that is the most stirring self-defense the man has ever recorded in his mom's basement. counselors, should the capitol rioters represent themselves? make your case! >> of course they should, your honor. american citizens have every right to defend themselves. i myself have gotten out of three parking tickets using the classic water works defense. you pee yourself and they let you go. by not getting lawyers they're sparing us from catching covid because let's be honest, these guys don't believe in vaccines. some don't even believe in hair cuts. >> hell hoe! hell no! your honor, they shouldn't defending themselves. look, representing yourself is a terrible, terrible idea, especially, especially if we're talking about these guys. okay? that one guy admitted to two extra felonies, two extra felonies. what does he think, he think he's some sort of loyalty

program where you do enough felonies and then the next one's free? these people are dumber than people who think they can do their own home repairs. you think you can grout your own backsplash, you think you can do it. but six hours later your kitchen is flooded and your child is on the seale ago. >> all right, all right, no children on the ceiling. i'm ready to roll. the court finds the rioters should not represent themselves in court. they will be represented instead by roy. >> ha-ha, yes! >> what? huh? >> that's it. let's hear our next case. >> the criminal fraud trial resumes for elizabeth holmes. >> she is accused of lying saying blood testing devices could identify diseases and she was making hundreds of millions of dollars. >> a third juror has been dismissed from the elizabeth holmes trial after being caught

playing sudoako dur testimony. a court transcript revealed she had been playing sudoku for seven days, and they confirmed they were playing the game but they were still, they say, listening the entire time. holmes' trial now seven weeks in and is down to two alternates. >> a juror playing sudoku? that would never happen in my courtroom! because we give out nintendo switches. mario sent me a case of these to thank me for letting him off for stomping on all those ducks. counselors, should jurors be allowed to play sudoku during a trial? >> no, your honor. it's not only unfair to the defendant. it's incredibly rude to the lawyers. we practice our speeches so hard. when to make our voices loud! and when to make our voices soft for dramatic effect. give us the attention we deserve. i didn't crash that children's theater camp last summer for

nothing. not to mention, where does it end? one juror plays soduku, another starts reading then knitting. one pops an edible they won't share, even though i can see they have a whole bag. now i'm in a fist fight with the juror while the defendant is sneaking away. in conclusion, share your weed. >> i disagree, your honor, i disagree. suduku puzzles keep your brain strong and agile. i want a guy in my jury who plays suduku, he can do the beautiful minds thing where he sees all the connections and discovers who the real killer is. and once we know who the real killer is, we get to go home and watch "insecure." i did that softer than you did. ( playing nin dendo ) >> what is your decision, your honor? >> death penalty, death penalty. hold on, let me just save this.

okay, our next case is an international story that involves three things i never thought i'd say in a sentence, rich gear, italian foreign minister, kidnapping. >> actor richard gere is among the witnesses listed in a trial involving italy's former interior minister accused of kidnapping 147 migrants and 29 teens after he denied their ship permission to disembark in italy. >> mr. gear actually went on to the ship when it was being held. it was there for 19 days under incredibly difficult conditions, and he brought food and water to the people who were on the ship. ship. >> being put on trial for just doing my duty is surreal. i'm sorry for that. richard gere will come. now you tell me how serious is a trial where richard gere comes from hollywood to testify and how bad i am? >> now, this court case represents two intriguing

questions: should celebrities be involved in foreign legal matters? and, man, what's richard gere been up to? >> richard gere belongs in that courtroom. not just because he might have been witness to migrant kidnap, but because he played a lawyer in "primal fear" and "chicago." he is qualified to practice law and to be doing it while tap dancing. >> no way, no way. every minute richard gere is overseas dealing with this case is another minute of him not making movies. i've been waiting 20 years for the sequel to "the runaway bride." the world deserves to know if she ran away again. >> people do not want to see a "runaway bride sequel." they want to see a "pretty woman" sequel. >> no, first "runaway bride," then "pretty woman." >> silence! you know where this gavel goes. we'll compromise, people. i sentence richard gere to make

a movie that's a sequel to both. i don't know how it will work. maybe there's a time machine, but we'll let them figure it out. next case. >> a 96-year-old woman who went on the lamb to avoid prosecution for alleged nazi war crimes appeared in a german court. she was brought into the courtroom in a wheelchair with her face and head covered. the trial will be held in an adolescent court because of her age at the time the alleged crimes occurred. last month, she was a no-show on the day court proceedings against her were to begin. reports say she fled her retirement home and was a fuj tich for several hours before authorities caught up with her in hamburg. >> well, that is peculiar. how did a 96-year-old woman escape from the authorities? i mean, she's easy enough to catch. she's obviously the car driving 15 miles an hour on the wrong side of the road! but now that she has been caught again, the question is should she be taken to trial? desi? >> yes, your honor, nazis are

bad. >> okay, roy, what is your defense of nazis? >> what? why do i got to defend nazis? i don't-- i don't want to do that. >> you have to because i went first. >> i don't have to-- >> roy, roy, it's all right. everyone understands you're just a lawyer, devil's advocate. >> okay, well, i-- you could say she was old and-- >> over-ruled, roy! nazis are bad! >> wow. >> and you should be ashamed of yourself! >> you make me sick! >> desi wins, and gets today's jury prize, a free book of soduku puzzles. >> yes! >> that's all the time we have for court cases today. join us next time on "court court." but not you, roy. you're banned for life. you leave your nintendo switch at the door. >> don't take my switch. >> no switch for you. great job, desi. i can't believe you would defend

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what is it? so you can get to know your new granddaughter. we're so glad you're here. ♪♪ come on over!

oh honey... she just needs some time. how was school? you ought to be very proud. i'm proud of you. here's another picture of your mommy. she smiled so hard, her front tooth popped out. goodnight grandma. did you call me grandma? ♪♪ daily show." my guest tonight is ugandan climate activist and founder of the rise up movement, vanessa nakate. she's here to talk about her new memoir and why africa and other countries in the global south should be at the center of the climate conversation. vanessa nakate, thank you very much for taking the time today. >> you're welcome. >> trevor: it's really great to have you on the show, you know, because i feel like in the

past few years, you have come up the ranks, and you have risen to become one of the most outspoken activists for climate change around the world, you know. and you've been an activist who has proudly been campaigning not just for the world but also for a continent that is often overlooked, and that is, of course, the african continent. and you were inspired by greta thunberg, i believe. there's no denying, greta comes from a very different world. she lives in a world of free speech. she lives in a world where she can say whatever you want. going up against the government isn't anything that could get you into trouble. you're in uganda. as a fellow african, i realize you have to be respectful even in your activism because if you're not careful, things may not go well for you. what was that like for you? >> it really hasn't been very easy. when i started activism, i knew very well how hard it was to organize strikes. in countries like mine,

education is really prioritized. from when we are children, we are told education is the key to success. so many students understand how important it is for them to be in school and not skip school and go for a climate strike. so these are some of the things that have really hindered us from organizing big strikes. however, that hasn't stopped us from doing activism. we've been going to these schools and reaching students within the schools. we try to keep advocating and demanding for climate justice, even though we can't go out on the street. >> trevor: you have found i think really effective ways to get a message out there. you are now on the coff of "time" magazine. congratulations. what did it feel like to be on the cover of "time" magazine as a climate activist? and what do you hope to achieve with some of the fame that comes with that status? >> i was really surprised to

find myself on the "time" cover. and i would never in imagine it in my life, or even-- it's not like it was a dream come true. no, it wasn't a dream, so i never really thought of it. it helps gives me a platform and just reach more people. to keep talking about the same thing that i've been talking about all this time, about the climate realities of the people in my country, uganda, and the people across the african continent. for people to always know that while africa is on the front lines of the climate crisis, it is one of the least emitters of co2 emissions of all continent nents, except for antarctica. >> trevor: africa emidst less than all the other countries, but the conversation seems to be focused on predominantly european countries or western nations. i feel like you have had that experience on a personal level as well. multiple times you have gone to an event to speak, to represent

the continent, to talk about climate change, and you have been cropped out of the photo that talks about the event. you talk about that in your book, by the way. and i'd love to know what you think that is and how you have responded to that. >> well, i think that is the horrible reality of the climate crisis. africa is responsible for only 3% of global emissions, while we are on the front lines of the climate crisis, we are not to the front pages of the world's newspapers. but we have seen continuous underrepresentation of activisms from the most affected areas, even those who are able to be at these, you know, conferences or press conferences, still face erasure of being in those spaces. , you know, i think that we won't be able to have climate justice if everyone is not included. climate justice is only justice if every community, if every

voice is listened to, is amplified, especially people from the most affected areas. there is no climate justice without racial justice. and that is a conversation very many people don't want to have. >> trevor: recently, the president of uganda wrote a scathing op-ed, really indicting the west in how it talks about climate change. now, his conclusion is one i don't know what you would or wouldn't agree with, but he said to say it's true developing nations, especially in africa, that they need to step away from fossil fuels, is basically to condemn them to a constant cycle of poverty. as a climate activist who has programs where you go, you know, and try and get solar panels and cleaner cooking methods into schools or homes in uganda, what would your response be to that? and what do you think an added conversation to this whole dialogue could be? >> when it comes to this issue, i understand when presidents

like mine, or presidents from developing countries, you know, talk about things like this. because the global... developed and the reach of very many communities, while extracting fossil fuels, like oil, like coal, like gas, and we see how wealthy these nations are. but for many people in developing countries, coal or the discovery of coal or oil and gas in their countries means, like, a door to the world. that's why there is a huge responsibility on developed countries to provide climate finance for developing countries, to transition to renewable energy, to easily transition to more sustainable energy. it will be delayed until 2023, which is unfair, which is so disappointing for communities that are on the front lines.

and if we are to get this climate finance, we want it in form of grants, not loans. because we don't want more debt to be added on already existing debt. >> trevor: many parts of africa have people saying, "look, i don't care about 50 years from now, because tomorrow isn't even promised to me." when you're in your community and talking to some of these people convincing them of not going into oil or convincing them not going into coal, what do you find is the conversation that helps them understand? >> i think what has really worked for some of the people or communities that we've reached out to is helping them understand the intersection of climate change and the daily life. for people to understand that climate change is more than weather. it's more than statistics. it's more than data. it's about the people. not everyone understands what 1.5 degrees is. but people understand when you

say this is an issue that is going to affect your food. tomorrow you may not have access to food, or today you may not have access to food because of this disaster. you may not be able to access water because of this disaster. it's helping people understand that it's an issue that is beyond statistics or specific degrees. it is something that affects every sector of our lives. and it's important for all of us to work together and be able to make the world a better place. >> trevor: vanessa, thank you so much for taking the time. i know you are having these conversations with some of the most powerful people in the world so i appreciate you coming on the show and sharing your wisdom with us. congratulations on the book, and hopefully we'll see you again. >> thank you. >> trevor: vanessa's book, "a bigger picture," is available now. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.

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but before we go: please consider supporting "when we all vote." it's a national, nonpartisan initiative to change the culture around voting and to increase participation in each and every election by helping to close the race and age voting gap. if you want to support their work all you have to do is donate at the link before. until tomorrow, tay safe out there, get your vaccine. and remember: if someone tries to sell you crypto, buy it. i mean they can't all be scams! right? they can? oh, shit! now, here it is, your moment of zen. what do you mean they can be scams? >> in the dimension between left and right, between space lasers and bit,erism lies a dimension

of the imagination. an area we call the marjorie zone. >> you want to know something, steve? i'm not vaccinated. i'm not vaccinated. and i'm not getting the vaccine because i'm an american. i can choose what i want to do can my body. they are ruining our country. these vaccine nazis. and i'm sorry, i know i'm using the word "nazi" and everybody gets mad when i see it, but that is exactly what they are. they are the nazis. they are the fascists. they are the communists, they are the marxists. captioned by captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

- ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ this holiday season... it's gonna be busy. it's gonna be emotional. but it's gonna be worth it. with mccormick, it's gonna be great.

- this is it, stan. if you strike this kid out, we all get to go home. - now batting for conifer is little allen vargas. - hey batter, batter, batter, batter. no hit. no hit. can't hit it. can't hit it. can't hit it. can't hit it. - hit it outta the park, allen. south park sucks! - just look at those boys out there, loving the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids. - oh, god, i'm so bored. - [yawns] - ♪ i see a lady bug hello, lady, lady bug ♪ - strike. - that was no strike. what the hell is wrong with you, ump? - good call, ump. good call. - come on, allen. - this pitcher throws like a girl. - what'd you say? - you heard me, asshole. - you want me to kick your ass right here? - randy, sit down. - you want a piece a me?

'cause i'm pretty sick of your god damn mouth. - what do you wanna do, huh? what do you wanna do? - randy, don't. - you better shut up, asshole. - i'm standin' right here. - how do you wanna handle it? - i told you to shut up. [grunting and punches landing] - oh, jesus, not again. - come on, stan, just strike this kid out so we can end the season. - strike three, you're out! - yes, it's over! it's over! - that's it. south park wins the game 4 to zero. - we're done. no more baseball! - no more boring baseball until next year. - we can start having fun again! [kids cheering] - yeah, we did it, boys. we did it. we're going to the finals. woo hoo! - what? we won. that means we've got the best record in the division. - congratulations, boys. you're going on to the post season.