it's "the daily show." tonight: barbados says no, queen. covid conspiracy craze continues. and natalie and derrica wilson. this is "the daily show with trevor noah." >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah, and joining me for today's headlines is michael kosta. what's going on, michael? snowhow you doing? >> i'm doing great. tonight is the third night of hanukkah. not everybody knew that. i want to say what's up to my jewish people. great holiday. but i feel like what changes because hanukkah, everyone still has to go to work. you still have to take care of your kids, you know. i feel like hanukkah needs more respect, which is why from now on, for the rest of hanukkah, i'm not coming into work. and i think all of us, just don't go to work for the rest of hanukkah, and for all hanukkahs in the future. solidarity with my jewish folk.

so... i'm an ally to the jewish people. i also am not going to go to work for the rest of hanukkah, so... >> trevor: sounds a lot like your devali argument. but good for you, michael. >> i'm trying to-- i don't want hanukkah to get the second-- i don't want hanukkah to get the shaft. >> trevor: i hear you. it's just a little suspicious that you always seem to be, you know, finding new people to be allies to when it comes to not coming to work. i'm just saying. but, good for you. >> thank you. >> trevor: good for you all right, let's jump right into today's headlines. we kick things off with the new coronavirus variant that is scaring the world. omicron. emmanuel macron? either way, you people know what i'm talking about. the world is still waiting to find out whether omicron-- that's what it is-- will be a significant problem in our lives. and i wish they'd hurry up, because i need to know what

i'm doing two weeks from now. should i be buying my "spider-man" tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? or should i split the difference and buy "spider-man" tickets for the wild animals? but while most of the world is willing to wait and see, at least one person feels comfortable about making predictions. >> the moderna c.e.o. told the "financial times" he expects the existing vaccines to be less effective against the new variant of covid. >> i think it is going to be a material drop-- this is on vaccine efficacy-- i do not know how much. we still need to wait for the data. all of the scientists i've spoken to said that this will not be good. >> trevor: hmmm...so on the one hand, almost all the omicron cases have been mild so far, but on the other hand, the guy who stands to gain millions of dollars from new vaccines says we need new vaccines: "if we don't make a new vaccine, this disease could be with us

ferrari. i mean forever. i was thinking of something else." now i'm not saying the c.e.o. of moderna is lying. i'm not saying that at all. i'm just saying he's not the most objective source on this topic. i'll wait to hear what neutral experts say about a new vaccine. people like public health officials, or the c.e.o. of johnson & johnson. i mean, he's got nothing to gain bhawz nobody's going to buy his vaccine either way, so i trust and, if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it's not a big deal. i see people online say, "we have to get a new shot every year?" yeah, maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. what, is your life so busy you don't have time for that? i guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a cvs, unless you live in the desert. then it will be like a five-minute walk to cvs. >> this is classic capitalism, foundation of capitalism, to sell you something you already have. right? i mean, i just bought the taylor

swift album, the new one. it has the same 10 songs from an album she put out 10 years ago. that's the beauty of capitalism-- keep buying. >> trevor: she was trying to, it's-- >> i bought it. you know who else i really feel bad for? mickey minaj's cousin's friends balls, because he's got to get another booster. you know? he is going to be swinging around a little mazda in his pants. yeah. >> trevor: you know that wasn't-- and a. let's talk about colonialism. it's basically gentrification, but for entire continents. it has been a really long time since the british ruled the world, but the remnants of their empire still linger here and there like ghislaine maxwell at at a cheerleading competition. >> the island of barbados is officially a republic. in a ceremony last night, the

queen's standard lowered for good, queen elizabeth removed as head of state, and barbados swore in its first president, the caribbean island cutting 400 years of british ties, many british fortunes made from sugar and slavery. prince charles on hand to reflect on the island's journey as well. and a different sort of queen honored there. pop star rihanna was named a national hero. >> trevor: damn, rihanna put up one photo of her butt, and immediately, barbados was like "all right, we're done with the queen. rihanna is our leader now." meanwhile, the queen was like, "rihanna, is she the one who married harry?" i mean, you know what that means, right? if the queen wants her colony back, she's gotta fight fire with fire! this doing anything for you, barbados? you got any regrets now? and you've got to feel bad for the british empire, unless they pillaged your country and stole

all your jewels and resources. think about it, last year, they lost one black person. now they've lost an entire island of black people? this inflation is real, man. but what the hell, brandon? did i do it right? is that how it works? but you know the story does remind you, it actually does remind you, how crazy and massive colonialism was. like, we think of colonialism as this old thing from textbooks, but you realize that in 2021, there's still, like, a dozen countries that have the queen's picture on their money! and not like the dope picture. you understand how wild that is? like, imagine if your ex had so much power over you, that 300 years after you broke up, you still had to have their face on your phone's lockscreen. ah, yes! ah, kelly! how i don't miss her. >> i also think it makes sense that the crown is leaving barbados, because for so long, their whole economy was sugar and slavery, two things that now we know are bad. >> trevor: i'm sorry, did you

say now we know are bad? >> you know, recently. until recently. >> trevor: yeah, at least now we know, michael. at least now we know. let's move on from the-- >> sugar will get you trevor. sugar. >> trevor: yes, you're right, sugar and slavery and sugar. sugar will get you. let's move on from the most fun place in the world to the least: north korea. as a dictatorship, north korea has a lot of arbitrary rules that citizens have to follow: and i mean have to follow. for instance, they're not allowed to listen to foreign music. they're not allowed to smile publicly on the anniversary of kim il-sung's death. and they are not allowed to make international phone calls-- which, that last one i agree with. i don't want people from north korea phoning me and depressing me with their problems. i've got my own shit to deal with!

i've got all this food left over from thanksgiving. i don't even know where to put it. we've all got problems the, you know. and now, there's a new law telling people how to dress. >> north korea banning leather coats, all in an effort to get citizens to stop imitating kim jong-un's style. the country's dictator has been spotted on numerous occasions in a cowhide coat. according to radio free asia, the jackets took off in north korea after kim wore one in 2019. since then, imitation coats have cropped up across the country. radio free asia reporting there are literal fashion police roaming north korea looking for anyone sporting a leather jacket. according to an anonymous source, law enforcement in the country is going after companies making imitation coats, as well as anyone they spot wearing one in public. >> trevor: did they say there are literal fashion police? because now all i'm thinking of is north korea's version of "queer eye."

it's like "kim eye for the korean guy." they're walking down the street, "no, honey, you cannot look that good." i always thought that dictators wanted everyone to copy them: think like me, act like me, look like me, dress like me. but kim jong-un looked at himself wearing this jacket and was like, "nobody else is allowed to look like this boss." and you gotta admit, he does look pretty good in that jacket. he looks like leo "the matrix." he drank all of that goo in the bath tub. >> man, do i have to-- do i have to return this jacket now? this was a hanukkah gift to myself. ( laughter ) the thing is, he's right, you do look fly in these things, man. look at me! >> trevor: you look something, kosta. >> look, it's like you said, trevor. a dictator wants people to copy him. he should be worried about the trend he's trying to set that no one is copying him on. i don't see a lot of north koreans with his haircut, right?

no one will say to his face-- "kim jong your hair is whack. your hair is whack. your people won't tell you that." anyway... but this is fly. right wilson's leather, trevor? >> trevor: you know, kosta, what i love about you is not only the fact that you are so comfortable in that jacket, but the fact that you believe that kim jong-un might be watching this show. >> i think he is. >> trevor: i mean-- >> trevor, you're a global star, dude. >> trevor: amen, thank you for that kosta. >> yeah. >> trevor: i appreciate that. >> trevor: all right, when we come back, we'll tell you what the government isn't telling you about covid. you don't want to miss it.

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"the daily show." i didn't think you would come back. ever since the pandemic began, covid conspiracies have been spreading almost as fast as covid itself. covid is caused by 5"g." the vaccine has a secret microchip in it. dr. fauci's first name isn't actually doctor. some really crazy things about it. and now that a new variant has emerged, we're also getting new strains of really stupid conspiracies. so let's hear what people think is really going on in another installment of the "pandumbic." ♪ ♪ ♪ as of now, it looks like it's still going to be a couple of weeks before we know more about

the omicron strain, things like, does it spread faster? does it make you sicker? and is it available as an n.f.t.? but over in maga world, they seem to already have figured it all out. of >> the emergence of the new covid variant is sparking a fresh round of conspiracy theories. former white house doctor turned maga congressman ronny jackson tweeted, "here comes the m.e.v.-- the midterm election variant. they need a reason to push unsolicited nationwide mail-in ballots. democrats will do anything to cheat during an election, but we're not going to let them." >> it defies logic. and listen here. unfortunately, it's not just ronny jackson. if it was just congressman jackson, or dr. jackson, we could call him out, but he's getting help on you know where. >> there's always a new variant. >> you can count on a variant about every october, every two years. >> you're probably right. however, they could speed up. the variants could come more quickly. >> "we're gonna need a new variant here." ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, okay, just

so-- just so i've got this straight. according to this conspiracy, the democrats' big plan is to intentionally never solve the one problem that is ruining everyone's life. that is such a dumb-ass strategy to win an election. which makes me think maybe the democrats did come up with it. i mean, for this to be true, the democrats would have had to coordinate on this lie with the world health organization and south african scientists and governments across europe-- you serious people? you know the democrats can't coordinate shit. and it's bad enough to hear this from a congressman, but what's crazy is that before he was in congress, people forget ronny jackson was the presidents' doctor, the presidents' doctor. and not just trump's doctor, by the way. obama's doctor, too. yeah, that guy. it just shows you how bad america's healthcare system is.

"you're telling me he's the only guy in my network?" seriously, it's amazing that obama and trump both survived! one of them sneezes and ronny jackson is like, "you've got to realign your electrons-- quick, swallow as many magnets as possible!" and by the way, of all the shows, how does "fox & friends" not understand what new variants are? every four months "fox & friends" has one dude and new woman saying the same some the same couch. if that isn't in new variant, i don't know what that is. the democrats, in coordination with south africa, israel, europe, all over, are pretending there's a new covid variant out there. they're not just doing it to justify mail. in voting. it's because they're. >> if they keep testing for different strains of coronavirus, we're going to be locked down for the rest of our existence. i had cancer. my oncologist is a specialist in bone cancer. every oncologist who deals with bone cancer identifies hundreds of coronaviruses inside of our

bones. they've created a problem that can never actually be solved. so they can justify whatever it is they want to do. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? your bones are riddled with coronavirus? quick, lady, you need to swallow these magnets! now, what i think lara logan was saying there is that we'll never stop finding new coronavirus variants when they test us, because our bones are full of them. and, and, look, this sounded... wrong to me. but i'm not a bone doctor. i mean, i am, but-- so, we called a top oncologist, just to make sure that we were right. and we were like, "hey, weird question, but if you crack open a bone, do hundreds of coronaviruses fly out?" and she was like, "no. and, also, why is everyone asking me this question today?" so, no, people, bones are not filled with coronaviruses. they're filled with milk? can we call her back and ask her

what bones are filled with? but according to fox, now democrats are going to force everyone into endless lockdowns. that's the plan. and the worst part is if trump was still in office, this variant-- which doesn't even exist-- would already be defeated. >> covid is becoming endemic. it is going to continue to mutate. it is going to continue to evolve. it's all around planet earth. if president trump was still in office by the way, we'd already have modified vaccines to deal with the new variants, which is a great point. >> trevor: okay, first of all, stephen miller, if president trump was still in office? if? someone's not a true believer. j.f.k. jr. would be so disappointed when he hears about this one. i mean, the idea that donald trump would have quickly handled a covid variant is by far the least believable shilt i have ever heard. you want to act like we all don't know this man? there's no way he would have handled it. first of all, he would have spent four months denying there was even a new variant, and then

he would have wasted six more months saying the vaccines are on their way, but also don't worry about it, because it's not going to hurt anybody, but the vacvaccines are coming. and then he would have gotten omicron itself. and then he would have been, "omicron is real, folks. it's real. and i beat it. i karate chopped is so good. i destroyed it. why do you do this to me baby so hard? i beat it and now it's over. congratulations to all, even the haters and the losers." i mean, you can't have a vaccine for a new variant a few days after you discover the variant, people! it's impossible. the only way you could do that is if you had a time machine. and we all know if trump had a time machine, he wouldn't use it for that. heed go back in time to hang baby mike pence. i'm just kidding. i'm just kidding. i'm just kidding! he'd probably use it to warn himself not to have that affair with stormy daniels. but then he'd get too horny and have a three sellwith himself

and stormy daniels. "this is so great. there are fine people on both sides, very fine people." now, look, anyone whose brain hasn't been rotted from fox and facebook knows that everything these people are saying is bullshit. omicron is a real variant, real mutations and real spikes on its real proteins. and, shit, that's how it works. democrats are just trying to keep the pandemic going to stay in power and the best way you can tell that, is that a year ago, maga world was pushing the exact opposite conspiracy. >> if it ends up that biden wins in november, i guarantee you the week after the election, suddenly, all those democratic governors, all those democratic mayors will say, "everything's magically better. go back to work. go back to school." suddenly the problems are solved. >> they'll milk it every single day between now and november 3. after november 3, coronavirus will magically all of a sudden go away and disappear and everybody will be able to reopen. >> that's all i hear, turn on television, covid, kw0e6d,

covid, covid, covid. by the way, on november 4, you won't hear about it anymore. ( applause ) covid! >> trevor: covid! covid! ( laughs ) covid! this dude was president. and he's gonna be president again. ( laughs ) ahhh. now, to be fair, to be fair, for a while after the election, we did hear less about covid. mostly because the news was about donald trump trying to overthrow the country. but this really shows you how drastically maga people have changed their conspiracies about covid over time. i mean, you might even say they had to mutate their propaganda so that it could keep spreading in a new environment. i wonder if there's a medical parallel to the way these talking points are adapting over time. no. all right, when we come back, i'll be talking to two activists who are making sure that all missing people have a chance to

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guests are the founders of the "black and missing foundation, natalie and derrica wilson. they're talking about their fight to raise awareness for black missing persons cases that are often marginalized by law enforcement and media. and they're here to talk about their new hbo docu-series about this work. >> do you remember her by any chance? >> my daughter, she used to live in the porterhouse. she was pregnant. some of the neighbors said law enforcement didn't even come out to ask if they had seen or heard anything. >> there are two black women that work in the check cashing spot down here. >> all right. >> one is heavy. she said, "you know about the pregnant girl that's missing." i said, "yeah, i used to live around it." she said the police took forever to come over here. they never knocked on anybody's

door. >> what? i just ask that and said did they knock on everybody's door? someone saw someone. no one vanishes. >> trevor: natalie and dessica, welcome to the show. >> thank you for having us. >> trevor: a lot of people go missing in america every single day. a lot of people know that this happens and it's an unfortunate story. a lot of women predominantly go missing in america every single day. but what this documentary talks about is an issue that i feel started to get a lot of attention around the gabby petiteo case, and that was why do black women, why do women of color not get the same coverage when they go missing? and that is what this documentary ta talks about. this is that your foundation talks about. let's start about wthat before we get into the documentary, if you don't mind, the black and missing foundation. what is the work you do? >> we are a nonprofit organization. and for the past 13 years, we have been sounding the alarm that people of color are disappearing at an alarming rate. and derrica and i have joined

professions. i'm in public relations. she's in law enforcement-- to bring awareness to these cases, because these cases are being swept under the rug. our community isn't aware of it because we're not getting the media coverage that's needed to help find these missing individuals. >> trevor: i mean, it seems impossible. you know, when i was watching the documentary, i couldn't believe it when parents were saying, no, police have turned us away. police have said your child isn't missing. the person in your life isn't missing. they've run away. derrica, you were in law enforcement. you were once a police officer. as somebody who works from the inside, what do you think is going wrong? >> you know, there is a lack of training when it comes to missing person cases, quite frankly. they're not taken seriously when our community are reported missing. they are labeled as runaways. runaways are not receiving the amber alert. there's no sense of urgency. if you really looked at a flyer today-- missing, run away-- the message is not creating equal. there really isn't a sense of urgency to share this

information for runaways. so we want to get rid of that classification. we also need to look at the reporting structure. we all know that the first 24 hours are the most critical moments when someone goes missing. and, you know, across the country, a lot of jurisdictions require you to wait 24 hours before you can even file a missing persons report. so there's a lot that needs to change, especially when it comes noising persons, because there are not enough resources dedicated to that particular unit. >> trevor: let's talk about the resources. there are people who will say, obviously, we want everyone found. we don't want anybody to be missing. but at the same time, so many people aren't missing, and so many people have run away. how do we make sure that police departments aren't wasting resources on people who aren't actually missing? how do you find that balance? >> well, we need to take these cases seriously. what are they running away from? if they leave voluntarily, what are they running away from, and ultimately what are they running away to? we know children who are on the streets, between 24-48 hours,

they're propositioned for sex. and they have to survive, so they're in the sex trade business, which is a multibillion-dollar industry. it could be anyone of us that could go missing, could be snatched, or just disappear. and we would want someone to take our case seriously. >> trevor: it appears, even when the police may not take it seriously, the media takes it seriously. you know, you would always watch these stories of missing people, you know, missing girl here, a missing boy there. you would always see these stories that would get media attention. however time and time again, many people in america, many people in the african american community, many people in native communities have said, "guys, we don't seem to get that attention. the media doesn't cover us for days. we don't become front-page news in that way." as two people who are working on not just the issue but the p.r. side of the issue, why do you think that is? why do we not see black girls who are missing being covered for weeks on end on major news networks? >> well, from a p.r.

perspective, again, it's changing that narrative and ensuring that our missing are household names, too. and that's the piece that's missing. we're not saying other people are not valuable. but can you name any black or missing brown-- black or brown missing person, you know, that has disappeared? so we can name the natalee holloways, the chandra lev, "but can you name the akia egleston? can you name any person of color? we have to take these cases seriously. and we need more diversity in the newsroom. we need people to tell the stories that look like us. >> trevor: so, you know, obviously, you know media companies and these executives, they've been asked these questions. and they say, "no, look, race has nothing to do with it. we're merely telling the stories that our viewers want to pay attention to because at the end of the day, we are trying to make people watch our show." when they-- when they say that, it seems like they're shifting

the blame to the audience and saying society doesn't have an interest in finding black and brown girls. society doesn't have an interest in these stories. do you think that argument holds any weight? >> well, i think, again, that the decisionmakers are deciding what society wants to see. they're not asking us or anyone out there. these families, as you can see in the documentary, they are desperate. you know, missing persons isn't a black issue. it's not a white issue. it's an american issue. and even in the documentary, you see these families. we're out there with them distributing fires. the natalee holloways, the lacy peter sons, the gabby petiteos, they have people coming in droves, flying all over the country to help search, and we can't even get law enforcement to take the cases seriously. we can't get the media to shine a spotlight on these missing individuals. so if not us, who?

>> trevor: what i appreciated in this documentary as well is you see the effects of not treating the cause but going after the symptoms, and oftentimes people will talk about fighting sex trafficking, fighting these rings that are taking young girls from everywhere-- as you say, black and white-- and putting them into prostitution-- or whatever it may be. and yet if they started looking early enough, they may have found them before that becoming the case. >> absolutely. that is our message to be proactive. and we are hoping the docu-series is a call to action. we know what the issues are, so how do we move forward to address it so this does not continue to be a pandemic. because it is a pandemic. >> trevor: right. >> impacting our community. but how can we move forward to make it better forern else, for generations to come. >> trevor: what are the steps to move forward? when you look at concrete things we can do in society, whether it's the police, the media, what

are the smingz we can do to try to alleviate this problem? >> one, the media can start covering our cases. less equal playing field and cover more stories. don't wait until it trends. help it to be a trend. and law enforcement, we want to challenge them to look at the way they classify these cases, which really impacts the resources that they add to the case. and we want tower community to get involved. we are fire starters, and we need them to work alongside us to help find and bring our missing home. so there is so much work that we all have to do. and visit our web site bamfi.org. see who is missing. like these cases, help them go viral and share it within your network. >> we're calling for our community to be that digital milk carton. share this. you know, let's face our own biases and share these profiles. because someone knows something

out there. and we need that someone to come forward, to help us end this nightmare for these families. >> trevor: i love that. that's great. those digital milk cartons. natalie, derrica, thank you so much for joining me on the show. and congratulations on telling a story that i think many people definitely need to hear. >> thank you. >> thank you so much for the opportunity. >> trevor: "black and missing" is available on hbo and hbour sr

tonight. before we go, today is "giving tuesday." so, please, consider supporting "choose love." they work to provide refugees and displaced people with everything from life-saving search-and-rescue boats, to food and legal advice. at the link below, you can go to "the choose love" story and you can buy essential emergency items and services for the refugees who need them-- diapers, hot meals, medical services and so much more. if you would like to support "choose love," all you have to do is check out the link. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get the vaccine, and remember, if you're going to north korea, do not pack your leather jacket. and, also, don't go to north korea. how here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪

>> it's as likely-- and you're right, you pointed it out in your great monologue-- that we don't know much about omicron-- but it is as likely that omicron is a good thing than something we should panic over. respiratory viruses mutate. that's what they do. they more often than not-- not an ironclad law-- but more often than not mutate into something more benign. as you pointed out in south africa, it sounds benign. if we all get omicron and achieve natural immunity, it can be a good thing. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [mumbling] ♪

- ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - okay stan, i'm going to give you... a "u.f.o. crash-landing" card. you can deny it or cover it up. - dude, i don't understand this game at all. - it's "investigative reports of bill curtis fun time game". you have to decide if you deny it or cover it up. - uh, deny it. - okay, let's see what bill curtis says. - hello, i'm bill curtis. many believe that the u.s. government covered it up. i'm bill curtis. - all right, cartman, i'm going to give you... a "jail time card". you lose a turn. - sweet. - oh, yeah? well, i'm going to give you... aids. - what? - i just gave you aids. - aids? - dude, that's not cool, don't give kyle aids. - kyle has aids and now loses 47 turns and 800 points. - kenny, your dad and i are thinking about having another baby. wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister? - no. - we just might workin' on it later tonight. - god damn it, poor people suck! your family is already on welfare, and now you're going to bring another kid into the world. poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.

- you don't pay tax dollars, cartman; you're eight. - you see, this is just what i've been talking about! i can't even relate to you guys anymore, because you're too immature. - what? - i've got to start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent and understand politics and stuff. it's just that i'm up on this level, up here, and all my friends are down here. - you don't know what you're talking about, fat-ass! - no, no, no, me, "nah", you guys, "nah". maybe a little more down-- down "nah". screw you guys, i'm going home! - i'm bill curtis. - i've outgrown all my friends. i need to meet more mature people, clyde frog. oh, great idea, clyde frog! i can meet new friends on the internet. here's a chat room. "men who like young boys." that's perfect! hi, everybody. i am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. i am eight years old and would like-- [computer beeping] wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! i'll pick tony316. hi, tony.

oh, you know the usual stuff. smiley face. "kewl, want to get together? smiley face." sure, tony, that would be cool. winking smiley face. sounds good. see you then! clown hat, curly hair, smiley face. you see that, clyde frog? tomorrow i'm going to meet my first mature friend. hi, are you tony? - yeah, you're eric? - yeah! - i brought you some candy. - wow, cool! - and some books on kama sutra. - neat-o, having older friends kicks ass! you see i've really been having a tough time. i've kind of matured faster than my other friends. we don't really relate anymore and-- uh, all my friends seem so childish now, you know? - do you like having your back rubbed? - yeah, that feels really nice. thanks. - hold it right there, scumbag! both: huh? - we monitored your little online chat. now you're coming with us. - no! - what the hell just happened?

[moaning] - you can't eat, kenny. we have to save food for the baby. - your mom and i are going out for a few weeks, kenny. take care of the baby. - kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers! - you have to share your room with the baby! both: the baby, the baby, the baby! - [muffled scream] - [giggling] stop it. - come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again. - oh, all right. - dad, i want to play catch. - huh? oh, i'll play catch with you later, son. - but i want to play now! - oh, go ahead. we can make love afterwards. - oh, all right. all right, here comes a pop fly. see if you can catch it. good job, now throw me one. oh! [coughing and sputtering] [vomits] - what happened? - he smacked me in the balls. oh, oh! - woo-hoo! - [vomits] - okay, we'll try this again. oh, this one looks good, "hung daddy". hello, hung daddy!

damn dude, this guy is tiny, he must be a dwarf. sorry, i'm not interested in being friends with midgets. frowny face. let's see. how about this one? mr. hammer head? - hi, there. - mr. garrison! - agh, eric! - you want to be my friend? - oh, crap! - that's cool. we can hang out. what do you want to do first? - uh, nothing, nothing! - all right, scumbag, we got you. - hey, ah! good thing you guys came. this little boy was trying to have his way with me. - nice try, buddy, we monitored your little online chat. now you're coming with us. - no! - why the hell does the fbi keep arresting all my friends? this has to be the work of stan and kyle. god, i hate those guys! - see, i told you, dude! those are dialysis machines. old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube. and it sucks all their body fluid out. - oh, man, that's terrible! - i know, huh? put your mouth against the glass, like this. wah! - yeah, ha! - bleh-leh-leh-leh! - wha-la-la-la-la! - all right, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?

- we're making faces at sick people. - no, i mean what the hell are you doing? why are all my mature adult friends being mysteriously arrested, huh? - we don't know. - i'll tell you why! because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me! - we don't know what you're talking about, lard butt. - lard butt. oh, that's so mature. god, i guess i was wrong about you guys, huh? - you're not more mature than us, cartman. - yes, i am! - i'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, officer barbrady. - well, the fbi said i have to hold you here, so that's what i'm going to do, mr. complainy-pants. - oh! - do you like having your back rubbed? - eat me, pervert. - okay. - we demand you release these men at once. - who are you? - we are nambla. the north american man-boy love association. and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping. - political prisoners? no, these are child molesters. - loving young boys has been around since the time of the romans, pal. there's nothing wrong with it! we are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy

can be a beautiful thing! - yeah! - yeah! - uh, i don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until i hear from the fbi. - hate mongerer! hate mongerer! [men chanting] hate mongerer! - okay, people, i think you'd better move along before i arrest more of you. - all these men wanted was to love a young boy. there is nothing wrong with love. - i did not want love from a young boy. i like men my own age. agh! i mean--i like women. what did i say? oh, god, i love titties! - you haven't heard the last of us, officer. together we are strong. come on, men! [angry mumbling] - well, they got activists for everything these days. - i've done it, kevin! i've successfully gene-spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese. [growls] do you know what this means, kevin? no more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. no more will mankind have to pick-- [doorbell rings] who could that be? why, it's little eric cartman. - doctor mephesto, i need help. - of course, come in. - you see, unfortunately, i have matured faster than all my friends.