what if we leave the mystery hut alone. i mean i'm just saying between the pandemic and climate change maybe now is not a great time to risk opening up an ancient box that we found on the moon. i mean chances are it is probably just going to be a boulder or something because let's be honest, the moon is boring, it should be this incredible thing but whenever we get knew news from space scientists it feels like we are hanging out with a toddler. i found a rock, wow, well done, scientist. i found a bigger rock. jesus christ, well done, scain tyes. but let's he move on from the least inhabited state to the most. new york city. the holidays are a great time of year here in new york. the store windows are decorated. the rockettes are performing and if you are really lucky a beautiful snow fall will trap all of the dog poop and garbage on the street for three months after which it will tha-w and fill the air with the sweet smell of spring. but apparently not every new

yorker has the holiday spirit because last night someone set fire to the 50 foot christmas tree outside the fox newses studios. and it is not clear how this happened. it could be an accident. it it could be arson. it could be santifa. not clear. ang unfortunately we can't ask the tree because like all fox employees had had to sign an nda. but for the network that invented the war on christmas this turned out to be the best they could ask for. >> i think it tells the bigger story. this city is so out of control. >> so out of control. >> especially mid town manhattan. >> the city you usedded to love. >> it goes to the larger issue of safety. we have been talking for a very long time, this city has gone south when it comes to safety. we don't feel safe when we come to work in the morning. we don't feel safe when we go home at night. >> think about it, who, to answer the earlier point, who sets a christmas tree on fire. >> st a tree that units us, that brings us better t is about the

christmas spirit t st about the holiday season. it is about jesus, it is about hanukkah, it is about everything that we stand for as a country. >> trevor: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. wait. a christmas tree represents a lot of things but one thing it definitely does not represent is hanukkah. i feen if it did that tree would have to burn for eight days, come on, people. that is a weird thing for anyone to sairks but especially fox news because these are the tbies that spent 15 years insisting that we have to say merry christmas instead of happy holidays and now all of a sudden the christmas tree is half jeuish, it saul about the holidays, even calling this a tree, is such a stretch, i don't know if you saw, this once the flames went out it it turns out that this thing was just scrastled-of-will scaffolding covered in pine needles that is not a tree, just a jungle gym with a body hair problem. but i will say, this i a-- agree that fox news hosts are right, people, the crime in new york has gotten out of control.

the city is a war zone, blood and death is on every corner. the rats have joined gangs, everybody needs to leave. so my rent can go down and i can find space on the subjectway, but mostly because it's not safe! and there's murdered rat, the poor rats have been murdered. they are murdering, whatever brings down my rent, guys, that is what is happening in new york. all right, and finally a story ot of finlander, a country in the throuple with norway and sweden, they have one of the youngest prime ministers in the world, 36 year old sanna marin and that comes with all sorts of challenges. for instance last weekend officials tried to text marin to let her know that she had been expoationed to covid and needed to isolate but she didn't get the message right away because get this, she was out at a club until 4 a.m. yeah, which if you ask me is pretty baller, especially in fin land because they only get like one hour of sun light, she will

probably sleep through that, right, people were angry that she didn't have her phone with her but it would have been worse if she had gotten the message while she was at the club. oh shit, i might have covid. what? >> i can't hear you. >> clap your hands over your mouth and scream directly into my face. >> but guys, can i also understand why she wouldn't be checking her messages because come on, how hard can it be to run finland? the biggest debate in that country is deciding what temperature to set the saunas at. what is their stress. you know, the scandal actually just proves why america is right though to only elect old people. they will never have this issue. the only reason joe biden would be awake at 4 a.m. is to pee, that makes me feel safe. but let's move on to our top story. all year republicans in congress have been acting out. marjorie taylor greene compared mask mandates to the holocaust. paul goa sar chopped off oaoc's

head in an an individualio, and matt ram nee through that goth phase and now colorado lauren boebert sunday fair for a little stand up routine that she has been doing about ilhan omar. >> there has still been no condemn nation from republican leaders after gop congresswoman lauren boebert made an islam fobbic comment about one of her democratic colleagues in a new video. >> congresswoman lauren boebert making an islam fobbic suicide bomber joke about being in an elevator with congresswoman ilhan omar. >> i look to my left and there she is. ilhan omar, i said well, if she doesn't have she doesn't have a backpack we should be fine. >> suggesting she was concerned omar would blow up the elevator. >> so we only had one floor to g like did i say it or not, i look over. the jihad squad decided to show up for work today. >> trevor: wow, for something that offensive, that was one of the post boring stories i have ever heard. basically she was like so i am on an elevator with a brown

person, and the whole time i'm having racist thoughts. the end. now if you are familiar with lauren boebert hearing that she made islamophobic quotes won't come as a surprise because like marjorie taylor greene or madison cawthorne or countless other republicans are the sporn trump gave birth to before he left town but if you done know who she is, you are about to find out, in another installment of fringewatching. in less than a year lauren boebert has made a name for herself as one of congress' preeminent nut jobs. but before she could get to be seen she had to win over the votes of her colorado district. and props to her because she knew just how to do it. >> republican lauren boebert pulled off a spunking upset by taking down five term congressman scott tipton and her path to victory was straight out of the far right play book.

>> in may her restaurant refused to close down during the covid-19 pandemic even after a cease and desist order until her license was temporarily suspended. >> we don't want to be res triblghted by these arbitrary orders in place by our governor who thinks he is a king. >> lauren boebert is the third candidate this cycle that we have seen on the republican side who has spoken approvingly of q-anon this con spirree theory who emerged on top in her prime primary. >> honestly everything that i have heard, i hope that this is real because it only means america is et going stronger and better and people are returning to conservative values. >> that's right. >> trevor: q-anon is a return to done serve tiff values. i mean we all remember ronald reagan's famous speech in berlin. >> mr. gorbachev, tom hanks, cospar of bosom buddies drinks

baby blood. >> trevor: powerful stuff, man, powerful stuff, i remember that day. now to be fair it to boebert, that is what she was saying about q-anon before her republican primary. because you see six days after she won her primary, she clarified that she is not a follower of q-anon and had been purposefully vague about it earlier. so she isn't necessarily insane, just willing to say anything to win the votes of insane people, which in her way is much worse. on the other hand though, there is a conspiracy theory that boebert has fully embraced and this, she has embraced with all her heart and that is that the 2020 election was stolen from donald j. trump. >> and on january 6th, she was busy riling up her fellow believers. >> one of congress' newest faces is already facing calls for her resignation a few days into her term. >> i have con stitt wepts outside this building right now. >> less than a half hour before the capitol came under seige. >> they know that this election

is not right. >> one of the newest republican house members, 34 year old lauren boebert of colorado was be o the house floor fanning the flames of the insurrection. >> i will not allow the people to be ignored. >> she spent the morning tweeting, today is 1776, promising to fight with everything i have to ensure the fairness of the election. >> during the insurrection she used her twitter account to announce to the public and thereby any insurrectionists who might look that speaker pelosi had been removed from chambers. >> okay, okay, i know that sounds bad. but let's not jump to conclusions. like maybe she wasn't trying to stay nancy pelosi is getting away, go get her. >> you know, maybe it was more like oh great, nancy pelosi got away. you blew it, dipshits. after the riots boebert released a statement denouncing the violence but she was the one tell iting everyone it was 1776. which only means one thing. like i am not an expert in american mystery but i'm pretty sure that the colonists didn't

overthrow britain with a change.org petition, those dudes were killing each other, in funny wigs. you know how violent you to have be to put on a funny wig and stab somebody, that is next level violent but boebert's true passion isn't q-anon or overthrowing the government or casual islamophobia, no, what really gets her going is the second amendment. >> and i know you are thinking yeah, there is a lot of people who like guns, no, no, no, no, no, no. i'm telling you now, lauren boebert makes all of them look like gandir. >> this is lauren boebert, a congresswoman from colorado. she was at a hearing and her background on her zoom is a whole bunch of guns. >> republican wong woman lauren boebert decided it to copy one of her republican colleagues and posted a photo of herself with her children, some of them rather young here, holding what appear to be semiautomatic rifles in front of their christmas tree. >> on the day she was sworn in, she released this flashy video.

>> declaring she will be bringing her 9 millimeter glock to the halls of congress and streets of dsm krvment. >> it is our job in congress to defend your right including your second amendment and that is exactly what i'm here to do. >> boebert has attracted national attention for awhile. she owns a gun themed restaurant where she encourages her employees to be armed. >> i'm guessing you haven't had any sort of altercations or any attempted robbers or anything like that, since the girls started packing heat. >> no, we have had no altercations like that, nothing physical and no one has tried to rob us, unless you count our salt shakers those get taken often. >> trevor: that's right, lauren boebert owns a restaurant where all the waitresses are strapped. which also makes it the only restaurant in america where nobody asks it to split the check five ways, no, i just pay, thank you. i don't know if i want to eat at a restaurant where everybody sarmed. i mean it is a fun gimmick but you realize the second someone

drops a plate it is turns into a tarantino movie, still a restaurant so you can't have bare feet but otherwise a tarantino movie but this person has an unhealthy fixation with guns, forget congress, she is not qualified to serve as an interior decorator, you know what this bed needs, a pile of guns and let's zhuzh up this bathroom with another pile of guns and instead of a kitchen, just guns. >> boebert is probably the first person to try and register an emotional support glock and it really makes me wonder why. like why is the second amendment the only amendment that politicians are obsessed with. i mean like obsessed with. just once i want to see a politician who is all about the third amendment. >> you know, just stomping through a campaign commercial like send me to washington and i will make sure a soldier in peace time is never quartered in your house, use airbnb and let me be, bah. i'm sure boebert is as safe and careful as possible when she ising whatting ar-15s on the

christmas tree or at least more careful with that than with campaign finance laws. >> in august news broke that boebert did not disclose almost half a million dplors her husband made in the energy industry iette-- this is required that members of congress disclose how family members make money so vo societiers know the conflict of interest. >> we know she paid rent and utilities for her restaurant with campaign funds which is very much in violation of3 federal campaign finance laws, the new filings show, and this is not the first time bow heart ---- boebert misused funds, it was reported she paid herself 22000 in reimbursement for mileage for her campaign, it to justify those, she would have had to drive get this, 38,712 miles while campaigning despite having no publicly advertised campaign events in march, april, july and only one in may. >> after questions were raised, boebert amended her filing

subtracting 7,000 miles from her claim. >> trevor: so she miscalculated by 7,000 miles. the only other time that happens is after you make a wrong turn using google maps. recalculating, new distance, 7,000 miles, you will arrive in the year 2183. that is a lot of shady campaign finance stuff after just one campaign. one. i mean i guess it is the swagger of someone who owns that many guns. the fec probably had a zoom member with her and saw her background what were they going to say, hey, man, what is a few thousand miles, wrus be cool, log me out. so that is lauren boebert, law breaking conspiracy theorist, gun enthusiast and insurrectionist, in other words if you see her get on an elevator, maybe you should take the stairs. all right, when we come back jordan klepper goes head-to-head with anti-vaxxers. you don't want to miss

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upgrade to the iphone 13 pro and airpods both on us. only at t-mobile. daily show, as vaccine mandates are spreading around the country, anti-vaccine protests are too, including in some areas you might not expect. we sent jordan clep tore investigate for another episode of jordan klepper, fingers the pulse. >> the discussion around vaccines and mandates tends to pit red state versus blue but hi

heard there was vaccine hesitancy and misinformation in the elitist of the elite blue corners of the u.s. so i headed to a protest in sunny southern california. >> i came to california curious to see anti-vacs mandate crowds, i realized i brought a camera and were in southern california. i think i'll be fine. is this an anti-vaccination. >> it is not an anti-vacs so don't go there. >> don't go there. >> please don't. >> are you vaccinated. >> mi not. >> so you are anti-vacs. >> i do not want to get the vaccination for covid. >> what do you support. >> people's freedom of choice. >> don't you benefit from a society that supports that by getting vaccinated. >> you shouldn't be able to force that on people, step one, then step two. >> what is step two. >> who knows, i am not a conspiracy ther riggs. >> but didn't we have step one with polio. >> we didn't mandate that, people weres do il in the industrial age, more willing to take the shot. >> polio was mandated for a student going to school. >> polio had to be, we know what it does. >> don't we know what covid does?

>> i mean there is 750,000 people who have a good idea, do you trust the vaccine whatsoever. >> zero like zero percent. and because i know what the end goal is. >> what is the end goal. >> bill gates said in the 2015, if we can get all these health things, vaccinations, we can reduce the population by 10 to 15 percent what is-- 15 percent of 7 billion, that is a billion people. >> the vaccine is all about depopulation. >> they said that. >> in is just bill gates pet project to depop late the globe. >> he is probably a puppet of the people above him. >> which are who? >> no clue. >> it is a big claim to say there is a giant plan to kill half the population and not have a thanos to point to. >> why does the conversation on this so kal boardwalk sound like-- i talk to derick who had been tracking this coastal elite anti-vacs movement for years. >> you have had a long

anti-vaccine sentiments here, specifically in 2017 there was a meesels outbreak right over there in brentwood, in santa monica where an he rad kailted disease in america-- eradicated disease sprung up again, this idea of bodily sovereign tee has come about since the pandemic but that has been taught for decades inside of yoga study-- studios. >> bodily sovereignty sounds like a lot what i told my parents i was doing freshman year. >> you have pretty liberal parents then. >> my body can i do whatever i want as often as i want wherever i want in the living room. >> you are still here. >> people hear antivacs and think maga about now with you are seeing this more to the left. >> the center for countering digital hate identified 12 practitioners in the wellness space that were responsible for something like 70 percent of the vaccine ds information on social media. >> turns out ignoring the advice of the medical expert and sacrificing the health of the community at large could actually be quite profitable for the wellness business. >> ever knows about iver

aero-- iver mekin, hydroxychloroquine, you have medications that are sold, that are supposed to ward off cooed vid. you also have different breathing tech-- techniques some practitioners teach breathing workshops because covid say respiratory illness so their belief is if you are breathing properly it won't actually effect you. >> you can breathe your way out of covid. >> that is a class you can pay for. >> a class you can pay for. >> how many smoothies does one have to ingest to get to the point where they can completely disregard the health of the community. >> in l.a., one. because they are usually 25 dollars. >> i never knew there were that many parts of honey to ingest. >> and the-ee is blessed by a shaman from tibet so you are paying for that. >> i wanted to talk to these people so i set up outside of the beujiest health food market in venice beach and had a smoothie cure all. >> are you vaccinated. >> maybe, no, i am not. >> are you not.

>> no. >> are you fearful of catching covid. >> no. >> no. >> i think that it is more about the lifestyle versus like vaccinated, not vaccinated. >> what is the lifestyle. >> like being healthy, like tiek taking care of yourself, your mind, your body, if you live a lifestyle of wellness, then -- your body should be able to handle covid. >> so what do you recommend for basic public health within eating healthy. boosting immunity system, and don't watch the news because it is brain washing you with fear and the fear is lowering your frequencies. i am on eat fish and only certain kind of fish, like for example i don't eat tuna app i found that out when i was trying to feed tuna to my cat sand she shook her head. >> you take health have from a cat. >> from nature. >> what do you think about covid. >> i don't think it is extreme, i think it is snapping dna in half. >> where did you hear this, siamese cat, do you recommend for public health people

meditating? >> of course. >> people working out if groups. >> definitely. >> eating healthy. >> definitely. >> covid vaccine? >> no. >> no, coffee enema? >> possibly. >> maybe on the coffee enema, def hard know on the covid vaccine. >> no. >> i'm not an anti-vaxxer per se, i'm a staunch anti-mandate person. >> can i ask are you both vaccinated. >> sorry. >> we don't want to say. >> i just, you don't want to share your vaccine status, that is okay, i'm vaccinated. and look how i look. don't judge me, i know everybody in l.a. is judging people. i'm an l.a. 5, new york 6 and a drk c12. >> can i tell. >> cold but fair, what say you, dude. i want to talk about wellness and public health and trust me we'll get to your script later, can i ask you are vaccinated. >> i am. >> do you find most people in los angeles that you encounter are vaccinated. >> i'm kind of a new yorker, and there is a sense of dultee, there is so much back there to

the shall it is more like i had to get vaccinated because i'm taking a trip. >> if more americans were dangled a trip we might get that vaccination rate to the 90s. >> maybe. >> no matter what part of the anti-vacs world they come from, there is one comparison they can't resist making within with. >> i think what is interesting especially coming from germany, i think history ve peting itself. >> what are you saying. >> the vaccine mandate tks is unking it into shall it. >> you are equating that to world war ii era germany. >> yes, are where are your papers, very similar to hitler time. >> but jewish people are fleeing poland because they can't get into gyms. >> that is fine. >> but is that comparison. >> you just didn't get the point, sorry, i'm good, bye. >> maybe historical dramas aren't big in l.a. but certainly there is commercial viability in saving humanity, right, or in l.a., maybe there is an elevator pitch here, right. so zoom in on a country at war

with itself, and then a magical cure come as long that helps people take care of the rest of the community by making a choice to help other people. would i you buy that ticket? >> no. >> no, okay. >> trevor: thank you so much for that, when we come back nikole hanna-- hannah-jones from the 1619 project will be joining us on the show, so sta come on everybody, let's get to work. johnny, you're gonna be working with the number one choreographer in redshore city. wrong. that is rubbish. terribly poor. i'm trying, he's freaking me out. tippy toes, tippy toes, i don't see your tippy toes. if you could just give me some dance lessons you would be saving my life. how do i know that you're not a weirdo? ♪ oh i've been shaking ♪ ♪ i love it when you go crazy ♪ ♪ baby there's nothing holding me back ♪ i knew you were a weirdo. [ snoring ] honey, geo's pizza palace just launched

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what you pay depends in part on how much you make. new law. lower prices. more people qualify. at healthcare.gov >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, my guest is the pulitzer award-winning journalig and creator of the landmark 1619 project they nikole hannah-jones here to talk about her new book on america's legacy of slavery and impact on society today. nikole hannah-jones, welcome back to it the daily show. >> thank you so much for having me back. >> a lot is happened in your life since the last time we spoarks you have won a pulitzer prize. and you have also imon on to become one of i would say the most polarizing lightning rods in the country because of this work, the 1619 project.

which has become for many conservatives the tool that they use to scare people into voting for them or changing how things are taught in school. and for many liberals has become a tool that people say need it to be used to talk about what is happening in society today. how do you feel about how people have received the project? >> i think how the project has been received has exceeded everything i could have imagined in wayses good and bad. i certainly wouldn't have expected two years later that so many americans would be using 1619 as part of the national lexicon, that it would be embracedded really by everyone across the spectrum of race and class, region. but i also wouldn't have expected that the teaching of the project would be banned in georgia, and florida, and texas and a growing number of states sor that it would become part of kind of a political wedge issue for republicans. so st all been unpredictable, i

think. >> trevor: do you think in the writing of this, because i know that this is seblly an updated version of the project, you know, a new origin story, the 1619 project has a few essays in it that have been updated or rather included. one that is definitely going to stir emotions up again, is going to be the conversation in and around reparations that you argue for. when you think of reparations, two parts, maybe, why do you think reparations are important? and secondly, what do you think reparations should be? >> yeah, so i think that reparations is important because if we understand the system of slavery and the system of what you would call in sot africa racial apartheid, what we call here very benignly jim crow, fundamentally these are systems of economic exploitation, we like in america to think of them as racist systems but the racism is what justify the exploitation and the extraction of wealth from black americans. so here we are, 60 years out of

the civil rights move. and the wealth gap between black and white americans has remained unchanged. so the material disadvantage that slavery and jim crow was created to frow amongst black americans still exists. and that is why i think reparations is necessary not just for atonement but to actually alleviate the primary suffering of black americans which is lack of wealth which is a direct lineage and direct link to the systems of slavery and the 100 years of apartheid that followed. and i think how it would work, it has to be cash payments. i think we have to really look at the system of slavery was holistic. the system of the antiblack was holistic. it it affected us through policy, it it affected us through income, through wealth, through education, through housing. but the fixes have to be holistic as well. but something that we can do immediately that doesn't take tennings of years, 20, 30, 40 years, 50 years to fix is a

wealth transfer. that you can fix overnight. >> a lot of americans hear that and then they tb oh, so i have to pay for slavery that i didn't do and i wasn't physically a part of. so when you say wealth transfer, where is that actual wealth coming from. >> one, it st coming from the federal government. so we all pay tax dollars to pay for a whole bunch of things that i don't agree with. i could list many things that my taxes don't do. that i didn't personally cause. i haven't caused a single war in this country and yet i have to pay taxes to fay for those wars. so i think we as americans have to understand reparations is not being paid by white people, it is being paid by the federal government whom we all pay into. it is a collective debt that we collectively pay. and you know, when i hear that argument, we're not even talking about reparations for slavery, we are talking about reparations for that 100 years where black people out of slavery were also denied through federal policy, housing policy, education policy, the ability to gain wealth that is my father's generation. we have living americans right

now who were kept from going to the schools they wanted to, from being able to go to college, from being able to move into neighborhoods, from being able to have federally injured loans, from being able to use the gi bell. you can make a case of reparations without even having to go into slavery. >> let's talk a little bit about the schools. you know, critical race theory has now been this catch-all term that is used all over america to argue for or against certain ideas. one of the strangest things i have noticed is that half of the people arguing against critical race theory have no clue what critical race theory is for, and also don't have an idea what it is for. what do you think is the biggest part of the 1619 project that is misunderstood and so if a parent is somewhere in the country saying i have heard about this project, you want to it teach white people that they are bad. that is what the 1619 project is, it is saying that america is just bad. how would you respond to somebody who is willing, let's say, willing to actually hear your argument. what would you say to them that they misunderstand. >> so one i just think we should

acknowledge that the whole critical race theory controversy is a propaganda campaign and has been extremely effective. because a year ago hardly anyone was talking about critical race theory. and certainly most parents had never heard of the term. the 1619 project is not critical race theory though certainly it has been influenced by critical racer in ree. which simply is saying 60 years after the civil rights movement when we ended discrimination why are black americans still disadvantaged in every aspect of american life. and st actually antithetical to the belief that individual white people are responsible it is say stg doesn't matter if individual white people are racist or not, the system was constructed on antiblackness so it functions on its own. i don't think that is controversial. so what i would say to the person who is open minded, if you want to owe know what is in the 1619 project, try reading it, plets' start with that. you know, everyone has formed these opinions about a project, and it becomes very clear early in the conversation that they actually haven't read it. >> right.

>> my main thing is i just ask people to read it and judge for themselves. >> trevor: nikole, i love that your idea is the one thing that is antithetical to everything that is in society now. please inform your opinion before you have it, is essentially what you are saying. >> people don't do that any more, you realize that, so good luck to you with having people have opinions on a box that they have actually read. and if the people do actually read it, i think they will have some really interesting opinions either way. >> yes, absolutely-- absolutely. >> trevor: thank you for joining me on the show, the 1619 project, a new origin story is available where books are sold. we will take a quick break, but we'll be right back after thir

tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting vibrant emotional health, they are a nonprofit dedicated to helping people achieve emotional well-being. and to giving them the support and skills that they theed to survive. so if you want to support them in their work especially during the stressful holiday season, then please donate at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there. get your vaccine, and remember, if you find a mystery box on the moon, open it with your eyes closed. that way st safe. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> cream cheese, many bagel shops have just a few days supply left. >> a schmear shortage, the cream shees-- cream cheese crisis, t mine us six days until they run out. >> there is a cream cheese scare, anarchy in the streets. >> if that doesn't come, what

happens. >> obviously you have tofu cream cheese which is soy based cream cheese. >> some bagel shops say you may have to subtle for butter. >> we're running out of cream cheese. thanks, joe biden. >> oh, damn you! goddam you all to them! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

all: ♪ i walk hand in hand with jesus ♪ ♪ over at the park by where he lives ♪ ♪ i tell him all my problems and sometimes he tells me his ♪ ♪ what a friend i have in jesus ♪ ♪ i can say that honestly ♪ ♪ he's unlike all my other friends ♪ ♪ who really don't care about me ♪ ♪ amen ♪ - boring. - and now mr. mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, psalm 46. - "god is our refuge and strength," mkay? "a very present help in trouble," mkay? - [whispering] hey, you guys, you want to know what my favorite psalm is? "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration "in a woman's separation. "this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." - "god is in the midst of her," mkay? "she shall not be moved," mkay? - [whispering] wait, wait, wait. "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in the woman's--" - "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration "in a woman's separation to increase the population of the younger generation." - [mumbling] - no, no, it's her separation.

- "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's--" - boys! you are in church! - oh! - "the god of jacob is our refuge," mkay? - thank you, mr. mackey. hello, everyone. today we are going to talk about hell. [ominous organ music] hell is not a very nice place. burning, searing flames, screaming, torture for eternity. once you are in hell, you cannot escape. you live forever in horrible pain and burning agony. all sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. if you be cast down into this black bog of stench, then woe is thou, for satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe. and he will be your ruler! your ruler of pain and agony! [hawaiian music plays] all: ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ everybody loves the hukilau ♪ - i do.

all: ♪ where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau ♪ ♪ we throw our nets out into the sea ♪ ♪ all the 'ama'ama come a-swimming to me ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ women: ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ men: ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ women: ♪ everybody loves the hukilau ♪ all: ♪ where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau ♪ ♪ we throw our nets out into the sea ♪ ♪ all the 'ama'ama come a-swimming to me ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ luki-luki-lau ♪ - yeah! - ow! [laughter] - great luau, satan. - thanks. see you, gary. thanks for coming. oh, bye, marcia. - satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews. you want to join us? - oh, i'd love to, mr. matthau, but i can't. chris and i just moved to the west side, and we have to unpack. - oh, well. maybe next time. great luau. - bye. [blood-curdling scream] [humming]

chris? - yeah? - did you, uh, see my boy-with-an-umbrella hummel? - no, but there's still some boxes coming from the movers. - oh, okay. thanks. [doorbell rings] oh, that must be them now. just put the boxes by the-- - hello, satan. - saddam. - did you miss me, buttercup? - no, it can't be. you're dead. i killed you. - yeah, you killed me. so? where was i gonna go, detroit? - oh, no. oh, god, no. - a place of everlasting agony and pain, hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept christ. children in this town have not been attending sunday school after mass, and adults have not been coming to confession. if this does not change, i promise you: you will all be going to the black pit of satan's world. that is all. peace be with you. - well, that was quite an uplifting sermon. - yeah. - mom, we're staying for sunday school. - what? - we have to go to sunday school so we don't burn.

- yeah. i'll see you later, mom. - oh, now look at that. they're scared to death. - hell is a very real place, mr. and mrs. marsh. i'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire. - come on, guy. just let me in so we can talk. - i don't want to talk to you, saddam. this isn't what i need in my life right now. - is that the movers, satan? - uh, yeah. yeah, it's just the movers. - oh, well, tell them i'm leaving their check on the counter. - okay, chris. - say, look. i know our relationship wasn't perfect, okay? i know that. i was too busy trying to take over the world to give you what you needed, but i've changed, satan. - oh, like i haven't heard that before. - come on! can't we just go out for a burrito? me gusta burrito mucho! - i can't, saddam. i'm with chris now. - who? screw him! he can't pound your ass like i can. - good-bye, saddam. - wait, wait, i'm sorry. but, satan, you can't deny what's between us. you can try, but you know we belong together. - my life is good now, saddam. chris treats me well. you and i are through. good-bye.

[exhales heavily] - aw, come on, guy! give me a break! - hello, children. i'm sister anne, and i'll be teaching you so that you can all receive your first communion. - are we gonna go to hell? - well, hopefully not. that's why you're gonna need to receive communion. - and as long as we get this communion thing, we're safe? - what if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives? - yeah, what if we hadn't? - it doesn't matter, because we are all born with original sin. now, let me explain how communion works. the priest will give you this round cracker, and he will say, "the body of christ," and then you eat it. - jesus was made of crackers? - no. - but crackers are his body. - yes. - what? - in the book of mark, jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body." - so we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers. - no, no, no, no. - well, what are we eating, then? - the body of christ. - no, no, no. i get it. jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him. - no! - no?