uh, anyway... anyway, um, i miss you. i miss you. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> trevor: stock market, you guys celebrate the stock market? yeah? well, maybe not today. it was crashing. it was the wildest thing i've ever seen, red, red, red, red, red -- and then bitcoin was also crashing which makes no sense to me because people tells me bitcoin is supposed to protect you from the market, but bitcoin goes with the market which makes no sense. at one point i tried to check any stock portfolio app and i have to, like, go play wordle, buddy. not a good day. i feel bad for the wall street guys who jumped out of the window at noon because the market rebounded and k5eu78 up higher at the end of the day. the one guy who jumped out of

the window -- it's, like, oh, man, wait till the end to have the day to kill yourself to see what it's going to do. you're looking out the window and you see the thing go up and you're like, no! i'm rich, i'm rich! yeah, that happened today on the stock market. and i think it rebounded -- they said it ended high than where it started in the day, which must be terrifying for people's money. imagine how your money feels, the stock market is like a rollercoaster for your money, you know how terrifying that shit is? you don't even think about your money. your money buys your food and shelter and you don't give a shit you're just like, yeah, money go to the stock market. and your money is terrified -- i'm down, i'm up, i'm less, i'm more! it's terrifying! i do that on purpose with my money. i put my money in the stock market so it appreciates my bank account more.

when it comes back to your bank account it says, yo, i'm never going to talk shit about this again man. >> coming to you from the only city in america, "the daily show." tonight, the playoffs in overtime. tiktok's new villain -- and jay shetty! this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: hey! what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. joining me for today's headlines is our very own desi lydic. what's going on? i missed you. >> i missed you! i'm making the most of my january. >> trevor: yeah? >> yeah, i'm doing dry january, actually, and i feel really good. it's hard, but, you know, i'm just, like, drinking a ton of water, dropping a little l.s.d. every night, taking the edge off. so far i feel awesome. >> trevor: the whole point i think is to -- you know what? good for you, desi. >> thank you. i'm really proud. >> trevor: completely sober. all right, let's jump right into

today's headlines. >> we kick things off with the n.f.l., the sport so good we totally forget about the brain damage. now, this weekend had some absolutely crazy n.f.l. playoff games. i mean, football hasn't seen anything this exciting since that super bowl where the patriots accidentally took on a puppy bowl team. remember that? those puppies got blown out 52-17. and for all four games this weekend, if you didn't stick around till the end, you basically missed the entire thing. >> there may have never been another playoff weekend like the one you saw this weekend. the kansas city chiefs and buffalo bills capped off one to have the wildest weekend of football of all time with all four games decided on the final play. >> remarkable! >> the chiefs and bills scored a combined 25 points over the final 2 minutes of regulation.

buffalo went ahead with 13 second remaining after josh alan's fourth touchdown pass to have the game all to gabriel davis. >> down to the middle of the end zone and thrtsz! >> patrick mahomes led the chiefs down the field to set up a 49-yard field goal to send the game into overtime. kansas city won the coin toss and marched down the field. patrick mahomes secured their spot in the championship game. >> to tend zone, he caught it! >> trevor: yes, he caught it! did you see that? oh, man, he caught it! so great to see! also to great to hear someone say he caught it and it's not about omicron. the game was incredible. all the games were, i was so arched up i had trouble going to bed afterwards. a huge problem. when the n.f.l. airs a game like this sunday night. they should think about us people who need to go to sleep. they should air a new york jets team afterwards to help you relax. you know what else they need to

do in the n.f.l.? they need to get rid of the sudden death rule. if one team scores, the other team should have a chance to respond. we did this in soccer a long time ago. we saw it. what's fair? not the rush. no one's watching an n.f.l. game in overtime thinking this is the most exciting part of the game, i hope it ends soon! to base the possession on a coin flip, it's archaic! they should switch to crypto. both teams get a bitcoin and whichever side can explain why it's not a scam get to go first. that's more fair. honestly, i think this game shouldn't have gone into overtime. you're telling me that the bills' defends couldn't have held on for 13 seconds? i've had farts that last longer than that and, yes, i have seen a doctor about it and yes, he does have serious concerns but that's not the point. >> i will say this, i think you can accomplish a lot in 13

seconds. 13 seconds is a great amount of time. the right amount of time you should spend with your kid everyday, exactly the amount of time the c.d.c. says you should wash your hands. exactly the amount of time you should spend before sending a tweet out. >> trevor: like thinking about it? >> yeah, upled be surprised how much you could do in 13 seconds, don't you think? >> i don't think i've changed my mind about something in 13 seconds. >> you could. the coin flip thing, i'm with you though. does not belong in football. i did flip a coin to figure out which vaccine i should take. heads i do pfizer, tales tails moderna, in the suer i do j&j. i got pfizer but it could have gone in a different direction. ( laughter ) i maybe should figure out a different system for stuff like that.

>> trevor: let's move on to a team with a better defense than the bills. ukraine. for months, tensions have been building on the border of ukraine as russia has sent 100,000 troops to the region. now, it's looking like war could break out at any"time." >> with russian troops amassing along ukraine's northern, southern, eastern borders, europe now teetering on the brink of war. >> u.s. officials ordering evacuation of family members embassy staff in ukraine. the order comes as tensions mount in the region with some fearing a russian invasion could come at anytime, despite consistent denials by the kremlin. now, the "new york times" reporting that president biden is weighing sending thousands of u.s. troops, warships and aircraft to eastern europe. secretary of date antony blinken reaffirming u.s. support for the ukrainian government. >> if a single additional russian force goes into ukraine in an aggressive way, as i said, that would trigger a swift, a

severe and a united response from us and from europe. >> trevor: yeah, you heard the man, russia better not enter ukraine in an aggressive way. but... if the whole army just kind of shimmies in, though, that would be kind of cute. you know, we'll let that slide. (russian accent) excuse me, excuse me, coming into the country, please. those are strong words from america's secretary of state. but if i'm ukrainian, i'll hedge my bets. look what happened with afghanistan and book my seat on that evacuation flight now. this isn't just about ukraine. many countries are worried what the war could mean for the entire region, the world, it could spiral into world war iii and personally, i don't think america is ready to fight russia over ukraine. i mean, america's been fighting brown people for so long does it even remember how to fight white people? at least ukraine has time to

prepare. these days element of surprise is gone. you have a satellite, you see 100,000 russians at your border. in the old days you could launch a surprise attack but you send troops to the border,ways says the russian army is closing slowdowns on your route, probably want to avoid the freeway. why does russia want ukraine? have you seen a map of russia? just go to siberia, there's a ukraine-sized piece of land with one guy living on it. you don't even have to fight ukraine. you could just fight dmitri. >> i know why russia is doing this. they're doing it because we're in between james bonds right now. who's going to stop russia if it's not for having one british alcoholic guy? we've got to pick a bond. we've got to pick a bond. >> trevor: i would have never thought of that as being the reason, but it's true. we are bondless. >> we're bondless! it's not that hard. we've got to pick someone. >> trevor: i think it is hard. i mean, there are so many of them. >> well, yeah, but we've got a

lot of great choices. id dries el ba. >> trevor: yeah. >> you could do it. >> trevor: me? >> you could do it. >> trevor: no, i couldn't. >> yes, you could! >> trevor: i don't like vodka. >> you could fake it, though, it's a parters, an acting role. you could do it, i saw that shimmy. that's a bond shimmy. >> trevor: you can't fake drinking vodka. when you drink it, you taste it and i, like, throw up. >> you should try a little l.s.d. you could be a dry bond but replace it with l.s.d. >> trevor: i like that. i'll call your agents. >> trevor: thank you, desi. >> you're welcome. >> trevor: i'll take my l.s.d. ? >> we'll workshop it. >> trevor: we'll work it up. okay, let's move on from a war that night never start to one that never ends, the battle over covid vaccines. after what shoes should m&m's wear, asking whether vaccines are good is literally the dumb

tion thing people can fight about but they are fighting. yesterday, thousands of people held a rally in washington, d.c. to hear why vaccine mandates are worse than hitler! >> in the nation's capitol sunday, demonstrators gathered at the lincoln memorial many voicing opposition to the covid 19 vaccine, others protesting vaccine mandates. among the speakers, robert kennedy, jr., son of the late new york senator and attorney general robert f. kennedy. >> what we're experiencing today is turnkey totalitarianism. they are putting in place all these technological mechanisms for control. we've never seen before. even in hitler germany, you could cross the alps into switzerland, hide in an at tick like anne frank did. >> trevor: who could argue. who one talks about how good anne frank had it, free room and board, all the time in the world to write, pretty sweet deal if

you ask me. crazy is relative because r.f.k. may be saying why would shit about the holocaust but half the people he's talking to don't even believe the holocaust happened. they're just standing there like anne frank? didn't realize this guy was such a liberal. >> my god, it's like every family has that one loose canon, just a total embarrassment, every family has that. though i have to say, i don't think there's one in my family. everyone is pretty normal. not like one major embarrassment. so -- oh, my god -- am i the embarrassment? >> trevor: no. >> am i the one? >> trevor: no. >> oh, god, i'm the chet hanks oh, shit. guess i better not put out that rap video. just when i was getting so good. i'll delete it. >> anyway. >> trevor: i'm sorry you found that out on tv, desi.

>> are we on tv? >> trevor: all right, finally -- let's talk about movie trailers. it's a question i ask myself all the time, to be honest. finally, let's talk about movie trailers. they're the free sample that the theater hands out so hopefully you will buy the whole movie. normally trailers are a thing we watch and move on with our lives. now some people are very upset about a trailer that promised more than it could deliver. >> two fans, an actress anaday aramis filed a class action against universal. they say the actress was not in the final cut of the movie though she appeared in the trailer. accused universal of engaging in deceptive false techniques, false advertisement and violating competition laws. the suit seeks to recover at least $5 million. >> trevor: hell, yeah! give these people their $5 million! give it to them! this shit davis me crazy.

let me tell you something, this happens all the time and nobody does anything about it. they have trailers and they just put things in and then i go there and -- there's a trailer where bradley cooper is doing a smashing thing but it never happens in the movies. i sat through the credits to see if it comes afterwards, nothing. samuel l. jackson came out and recruited everyone for the avengers but nothing about the car windows! that's the problem with movie trailers, they go too far in one direction tore the other. they're showing me stuff not in the movie or the entire movie. fers they fell in love but then they broke up and then reunited on the eiffel tower. that's the big finale, you never see it coming except we just showed it to you, this summer! stop doing that! pique my interest, that's it. >> r. i will say at the same time, $5 million is a big penalty, and the movie studio should have

paid $5 million for this. i think it would be enough to give them a free popcorn at the next movie, but make it a large popcorn because the lawyers will take two-thirds of it. that's how law works. but there should be some punishment for lying to your audience about who's in your movie. can't just get away with that, or if there's no punishment, then fine. but then i should get to go do , too. stick around for my exclusive interview with the ghost of princess dine coming up next. >> and if we're going to sue movie trailers for anything, it should be for destroying our favorite childhood songs. they put in a creepy slowed down version of a kids' song. ♪ ring around the rosie ♪ i'm, like, great thanks for ruining my favorite childhood song of people dying in the plague. destroyed it forever. they're, like, from the creators of saw it's.

♪ heads, shoulders knees and toes ♪ crazy. it's awful. you hope they don't reboot jaws, equipment be like. ♪ baby shark do-do-do-do ♪ >> trevor: that song became very sleepy when you sang it slow. >> try getting that out of your head the rest of the day. >> trevor: if someone was singing that at night in my house, really, like, do edo do-do-do-do-do-do -- that's terrifying. >> i have nightmares about it. could be the l.s.d., but -- >> trevor: you should -- never mind. when we come back, we'll talk about west elm caleb and why social media is the best place to hash out your

when the world is counting on you. buckle up. hang on! and enjoy the ride. wooo! in the all-new lexus nx. see moonfall, in theaters february 4th. and experience amazing. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: do you guys see this thing about west elm caleb? it's a huge story. it's weird. started on tiktok and then it got bigger and went from tiktok to tabloids and from tabloids to newspapers and the "new york times." everyone wrote about it. the long and short of the story is there's a woman on tiktok who posted a story about a bad date she had with a guy named caleb, then other women saw that video and thought she was talking about another caleb. and they were, like, we met caleb. she said not that caleb. who's caleb?

there's a caleb that worked at west elm, the furniture place. these women were, like, caleb is a dick. he took me on a date and went on a bunch of dates with me and co-hosted me and -- ghosted me and disappeared. one of the other women was, like, he sent unsolicited dickpics. this became huge online. massive. and then what happened was, like, one of the women's videos went reel viral and she put up caleb's face and his name and everything so people tracked him down, found his workplace, started threatening, like, west elm about like furniture and shit and him and then, like, he's gone now, the guy's had to go deep undercover. he's a 6-foot white boy named caleb and he's gone. this became a huge story line. he got what he deserved. this is terrible what he did to women and whatever. and i was watching the story

evolve over the weekend, and you know what was going through my head -- first of all, i was thinking it's amazing how much coverage he got from ghosting. he didn't do anything like super bad from what the people are saying, unsolicited dickpics is obviously bad, but he just ghosted and the guy's viral on every newspaper in the country. all i kept thinking was the uighurs in china should ghost someone. i've never seen them get this much coverage. ghost a few people and everyone will be talking about you. it was wild this thing became such a big story considering it was a private date and -- i'm not blaming women who went on dates, it's like a commentary on the culture that we live in, do you know what i mean? i don't know if i was the only person. i was going, have we lost the ability to go on bad dates? is that not a thing anymore? because i go, like, if you have

a bad date you're allowed to feel upset about it, all right, and you should be able to talk about it, i mean and you should be able to roast -- like if you went on a date with a shit guy, roast him all you want. that's in the constitution, i think. the whole point of dating is so you can talk shit about bad dates. that's why you go on dates is to get stories about how shit the dates were. otherwise, what's the point of dating? trying to find love, that's boring. love is what you want at the end but you want the bad date stories along the way. that's why you're dating. otherwise you do an arranged marriage and go straight into the stories. you know what i'm saying. what's weird to many ewith the story is, like, these people are sharing stories i personally felt you would share with your friends, right, but now they're sharing them on social media, saying this is what happened to me personally in my life and then social media jumps on because the algorithm takes the story which is a funny story. i should also include the woman who had one to have the most viral videos came out and said,

oh, i didn't want caleb to get death death threats, i thought i was just telling a funny story to people on tiktok, which she was. but then the algorithm goes, ah, conflict. it's the conflict monster. it put it out to the world and the world said we don't see anything funny, west elm caleb must die. i love that was his thing. tabloids were west elm caleb! everyone. which is shitty, in my opinion. i do not know west elm caleb, i don't care. maybe he's a straight white guy and people are, like, yeah, get him! but he's a human being. we haven't heard his side of the story and people can just shit on him. i don't thinketh fair that internet mobs jump on you like this. and his job, imagine how your boss is there and it's, like, good sales quarter but the

streets say you're a (~bleep~) boy. no one deserves that. and west elm doesn't deserve this. poor people are trying to sell furniture. next thing phones are hanging off the -- ringing off the hook. hello? no, i won't forward your bomb to caleb. thank you. it's, like, this story for me was, like, the perfect incapsulation overall the things that are great about social media but then also are the down sides of social media, and part of it was a lot of the language people were using because they were saying what caleb does because apparently he sent some of the women the same play list he sent the other women but called them different names, so they were, like, oh, he's gas lighting us. i said, no, that's just recycling game. you know what i mean? most people have limited game. i don't know why everyone thinks they're fancy. everything you think is unique

about a person they've done to everybody else they've met. well, is it just me or -- yeah, they've done this many times. there's nothing spontaneous about anybody. they've done everything they're doing. they were saying he's love bombing, which means he piled it on thick at the beginning and disappeared afterward. so he's i like you, i lie like you, texting, texting, then disappeared. and they were like that's love bombing. i'm glad people are going to therapy but we should be careful bringing the therapy speak into life because we are not therapists. i don't know if this is love bombing or human nature. we get obsessed when a thing is knew, love using it and that's it. when i was young my mom bought me a fire truck and i drove it all week and then i didn't use it. my mom didn't say, you're love bombing the fire truck!

you got bored. then they're like this is a form of abuse. i take abuse really seriously, i think we all should, but i don't think all rejection is abuse. life is about getting rejected, unfortunately, for everyone to get a yes, someone had to get a no. every one of us here. the fact you're in a relationship with someone is because other people rejected them or you. that's the only reason we get there. life is about rejection. people have a right to reject you. it's shit but they have a right to reject you. all of these things. it's like now we're living in a world where people are, like, no, i don't have a right to not feel good. no, i don't want you to not feel good, but people have a right to reject you. in fact, ghosting is not as bad as people think because the person is sending you a message by not sending you a message. you know what i mean? like i've never been ghosted and been, like, but how do they feel about me? they're telling you. they're telling you. you're, like, i don't know how they feel about -- yeah, you

know what i mean. the only people who continue understand ghosting is those automatic services that text you and they say reply stop. if you want to stop getting these messages, please reply stop, you know. so i don't know, i think it was unfair for west elm caleb. i get what that woman was doing, telling a funny story online. i don't think she should have included his face or name. you can tell the story and it will be just as funny. call him furniture boy. i think that's a greatly name. furniture boy, great. but i think society needs to calm down with being these -- we're not even detectives, we just jump into viral mobs. we don't know the people, we don't know the full story, right? all we know is that strangers are having drama and then before you know it we just decide to insert ourselves. i think to myself, before you insert yourself into any drama, ask yourself if that the what you would want strangers doing to you. just ask yourself that question. just my opinion on it, you know.

and, please, i know people -- i'm not talking about the dick pics, just to be clear are. i'm not including that, unslitszed dickpics are not okay. i don't know why anyone is sending dickpics. they're not cool. have you ever seen a statue of david? even there, michelangelo was giant statue, dick -- no, you don't want this thing now. dicks are not cool. no one's day is ever made better by an unexpected dickpic. no one was like i was really depressed and saw barry's dick and i thought, you know what? everything is going to be okay. if a woman want to see your dick, she'll ask you for a picture or watch euphoria which is a dick a minute in that show which is great. nobody's day is made better by you randomly sending them your

dick. have you seen penises? they look like depressed old men. no one wants to see your dick. that's west elm kid. did i tell you about the date i had with restoration hardware heather? ( laughter ) the kfc chicken sandwich is only served one way: straight from the fryer, piping hot, and kentucky fried to order. if you don't like it this way, you'll have to go somewhere else. kfc. it's finger lickin' good. we love our new home. lots of windows, great light- you'll have to go somewhere else. but the birds. they're back.

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"the daily show." my guest tonight is mindfulness expert jay shetty. he's here to talk about his new partnership with the meditation app "calm." jay shetty, welcome to "the daily show." >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: many people see your face and say, i know this guy, from instagram, conversations with oprah or ellen. you very quickly have become the face of calm for many people and

you've talked about thinking like a monk, your "new york times" best-selling book. number one, what does a monk think like? secondly, when was the last time you got angry? >> so one of the first things that i realized when i trained to become a monk is monks are very normal. we're all normal people. they come from normal background. they weren't born monks, you don't come out to have the womb as a monk. so a big part of that is learning new mindsets. we were on a 72-hour train journey from the north to south of india. as a monk you don't travel in first class or economy, you travel in the lowest class possible. so we're on the train -- >> trevor: why? >> because you're trying to have the least attachment to your surroundings and the least desires. i stop at the different stops, i get off, meditate, get back on the train and my teacher notices that. and he said, why are you not meditating on the train?

i said, it's so he can tick on the train, but the stop is peaceful. so i get off the stop, do my meditation and got back on. he said, do you think life is peaceful like the stop or is it difficult like the train? and, you know, i'm, like, my first week of monk training now and i said, i think it's difficult like the train. he said, well that's where you practice how to meditate. >> trevor: wow. >> monks think, how can we be in the chaos, be in the clutter but still look for stillness in that time. >> trevor: when's the last time you got angry. >> about a month ago. >> trevor: why? >> i think because i didn't get the christmas gift i wanted. >> trevor: this is the opposite. >> the opposite. >> trevor: what would your monk teacher think about that. >> very disappointed. >> trevor: you said i'm not going into bids, i'm going to go into the world of being a monk. what stopped you from continuing the monk life?

don't most monks go i don't want for anything, don't need anything, no attachment. it feels like you've gone the opposite, you've gone monk but i also don't mind bawling. >> most of my friends are monks and a lot have continued to be lifelong monks. for me it was a purpose. we were trained the greatest focus of a human is how can i serve others,. >> trevor: oh. >> how can i best help others and serve others. so when i shared this doubt that i had with my teachers, they said to me, jay, we feel the same way, wilf you would petter serve if you were to move on. i think that was a nice way of saying -- >> trevor: kicking you out. >> it's not you, it's me. ( laughter ) like a relationship breakup. but they agreed with me. now when i still go study or meet or travel with my teachers, it's beautiful to see how they've continued with that completely at the attached lifestyle, but they're so kind and gracious with how they allow me to be my true self and allow

me to serve in that way. we're all looking to be accepted for who we truly are and accept ourselves but use what we have been given to serve others. >> trevor: let's talk about the calm app app. we all want to be calmer and less shaken by the world but then you get apps on your phone to help you disconnect from your phone and find the calm. there is a paradox in that. you're teaming up with the calm to curate around mindful recess. is that not a paradox? i'm going to email you something you can read and meditate? >> it's a paradox. if you were to come to india with me, pack our bags, no phones, do a retreat, i'm in. >> trevor: i would do that if they paid me. >> that's a problem, never enough. i understand people can't just leave, they can't just stop.

everyone has bills to pay, lives to lead, chirp, family, whatever it may be. so i think we have to meet people where they are and to me that's what the apps do. you're meeting someone where they are in a world they understand in a world they can contextualize, and if we can create a platform whereby, for seven minutes a day, you're using your phone to invest in in yourself, you're using your phone to take time for yourself, then i think that's a great starting point. >> trevor: what do you think the biggest misconception around meditation is? >> i think the biggest misconception around meditation is you have to change what you're wearing, where you're silting and you have to silence the mind. i think people are trying to quiet their mind and stop everything from happening. meditation is not about 1207ing, it's about observing, it's about sitting with, it's about understanding and being curious. >> trevor: you now live in the heart of capitalism. it's the exact opposite of what you did for three years in india. there's money, money to be made, a balance between giving a thing

and getting a thing in return. i even think about this with meditation and therapy sometimes. i go it's amazing that the thing people need most is the thing you have to pay for. so how do you balance that conundrum in a world where you're trying to do for others but seems like times it could only be for something in exchange. >> we've tried to provide this service at scale. if you sign up, you can sign up for $42 a year. that's three and a half dollars a month, the average. so it's fully accessible. we've tried to make it as affordable and accessible for each and every human on the planet because that's a true desire. the way i grapple with that is i really enjoy being in the battlers, realizing how weak i am, seeing my ego and attachment to money come through and process it and work on it rather than being so removed and being

pure. so i would rather be aware of my flaws than being so removed from them that i feel like a conk in my mind but in reality i haven't. so enjoy the paradox. >> trevor: it is quite the paradox. i could talk to you for hours about this. thank you for joining me on the show and congratulations your honor success. hopefully w*e8 have you again when the midterms is on and we'll test the theories to then everybody calm down. >> appreciate it. >> trevor: be sure to check out "the daily jay" available excusively on that's our show fr

tonight, but before we go, this weekend was the 49th anniversary of roe v. wade. and while it is still law in much of america, women's reproductive rights are being

threatened. but the national network of abortion funds is on the ground, helping people who lack abortion access, and advocating the removal of barriers to those exercising their reproductive rights. if you'd like to support them in this work, please consider donating at the link below. until tomorrow -- stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: just because james bond is in the trailer, doesn't mean he's in the movie. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. >> places of political liability in the midterm. >> it's a great asset. more inflation. what a stupid son of a bitch. you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two and a half feet up above everybody else. what the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists,

we're all on the same level. oh, no, he's gotta be two and a half feet up. "look out, everybody, i'm working with pills. spread out, give me some room." the only hard part of his whole job that i could see, is typing everything onto that little, tiny label. and has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper and the little piece of paper in the roller of the typewriter. oh, no. he's gotta be two and a half feet up. "yeah, i'd like to get this, uh, prescription filled." "all right. you wait down there. only i'm allowed up here."

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