court in the united states right after judge judy, out of all of justices on the supreme court the oldest one is stephen breyer, and you know how it goes with old supreme court justices, eventually whether they like it or not, they go and meet the one true judge. so democrats have been relentlessly pestering breyer to step down so that they can replace him before mitch mcconnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all supreme court justice centers to be platinum q-anon members in the past. and today breyer finally made the democratsy dreams come true. >> breaking awes a bombshell announcement out of the u.s. supreme court reverberating across the legal and political landscape. cnn learned that justice stephen breyer plans to retire. >> breyer is 83 years old and he has resisted calls to retire from liberals who want president biden to have a supreme court

nomination slot that he can use this year. apparently breyer has decided to nof forward with that retirement now. and it sets up a political battle here for president biden who will have the opportunity to nominate a supreme court justice as a result. >> justin -- justice stephen breyer will retire, we are not exactly sure of the time line but presumably not until the end of this term which ends usually at the end of june. >> trevor: diswrus tis breyer is retiring, yeah, probably to focus more on his eyes cream breathe, i brangd, i don't know, no one should be surprised by this news, it frobly isn't fun being hounded all day by people screaming at you to retire. i mean imagine, think about it, everywhere this guy goes people are telling him he should be retiring. he is probably in line at the grocery store and people are like retire bitch. starbucks the name on the cup is retire bitch. at the synagogue and the rabbi is like baruch atah retire, bitch. right now a lot of democrats are

relieved. you about i don't know, i feel like the only winner will be mitch mcconnell. even though the republicans don't control the senate, don't be shocked, don't be shocked when mitch still makes it happen. he is just going to come outlining it is a long-standing senate tradition that we cannot confirm a supreme court justice in a year where there is a new season of ozark on netflix. we all got to watch it first and then process what happened. that show is crazy sh,-- as to the speculation about who will replace breyer, president biden has already promised that if he gets the chance, he is going to nominate a black woman to the supreme court. which you got to admit that is going to be a really powerful moment, you know. he's giving that speech. it is going to be really special. until he says that she's the finest negro judge of the negro league, come on man, come on, man. well, you know, trevor, we're going to go racial with the

supreme court judge thing, i just want to put out there that asian americans have a really strong history of injure is prudence in america. i mean judge ito, go. he did that stuff, did you like that outcome. also i don't know how many times have i to say this on the show but i have a law degree. and also i am extremely judgey. you know what i mean. i judge everything, from the moment i wake up i'm judging everyone. i'm junging you right now. like your suit, what is that, polka dots, that looks like shit. i would be perfect for this role, you know what i am saying. also in america, there is only two jobs with lifetime appointments, the host of price is right and supreme court judge which means you can't get fired, trevor. do you know how much shit i would talk if i couldn't get fired. >> trevor: no, tell me. >> i would talk so much shit i would be so more free to express myself and isn't that what being american is about.

being free. >> trevor: i would love to know all the things you say about me when you are free. considering what you say about me when you are held back. >> exactly, so let's work to make this happen. biden, i am available. i like to announce my candidacy for supreme court of the united states. vote for me on twitter. >> trevor: thank you, ronny. that's a powerful statement, it's not polka dots, they're lil like scwig elly things. >> okay, they look like shi trk. >> trevor: anyway let's move to the big entertainment story everybody is talking about, disney movies which everyone lovers, we all love them, especially the classics. they are the reason we believe in true love and all hate our step mothers disney loves making those films because disney really understands the value of money. but as the originals get remade people start to notice things that don't quite work in the modern era. as one famous actor just pointed out.

>> walt disney studios on the defensive following harsh criticism by emmy winning actor peter ding laj-- dinklage over the upcoming live adaptation of the 1937 snow white and the seven dwarfs starring rachel zegler. >> i was a little taken aback by the very, they were very proud to cast a latino actress as snow white. yeah, but you are still telling the story of snow white. >> snow white. >> and the seven dwarfs, you are progressive in one way but are you still making that [bleep] backward story about seven dwarveses living in the cave, like what the [bleep] are you doing. >> disney releasing a statement responding to the backlash writing in part to avoid reinforcing stereotypes from the original animated film we are taking a different approach with these seven characters. and have been consulting with members of the dwarvism community. >> trevor: oh boy, all right, let me start by saying this from the beginning. i'm not a dwarf, so if peter

dinklage says that this is a problem, i'm not going to stay that he is wrong. because i have never watched snow white and found the dwarves offensive, right. but i do understand what he is talking about. i genuinely do. because if that movie was called snow white and the seven blacks, i mean, that would be weird. and you could tell me oh trevor, know, the blacks are actually the heroes. it's still a-- it say great story. let me tell you something, yo, man, that is still a white lady and her friendly blacks, still set off my spiedy sense. and look, i wish disney the best of luck in this thing. personally, i wouldn't touch the story with a ten foot pole. yeah, cuz it's still seven dwarves living in the forest. and i don't think it st a great idea. and that is not even the biggest issue of all. because don't forget the whole story resolves around a woman being drugged and then some dude comes and kisses her without her consent. i know bill cosby is now available for the role but that

is not the point. just saying this thing is, you know. >> well look, trevor, can we just give disney a chance. and let's judge the movie after it gets made. i mean disney has a good history of updating things and making characters 3 dimensional and bad guys good, right, look at crew ella, right, from 101 dalmations, literally, the cruel devil is her name and she kills puppies and then they put emma stone in in the prequell trk turns it out some puppies killed her mom. and then you go oh, now i know why you were killing puppies in the second thing so i'm just saying, give them a chance. >> trevor: anyway, let's talk about joe rogan. the king of podcasts. an aaron rogers personal physician, whatever you think rogan is one of the most influential voices in america because 11 million people listen his show, 11 million people, yeah. and some of what they hear is a little suspect. right? you know whether it is

misinformation about covid or whatever was happening here. >> what did eric dyson call you, mean angry white man. >> yeah, a mean angry white man. >> hilarious. >> you are not mean at all. >> i am white, actually that's a lie too. i am kind of tan. and he was actually not black. >> he was sort of. >> black and white thing is so strange because the shades are so. >> tan and brown. >> there is such a spectrum of shades of people. unless are you talking to someone who is 100% african from the darkest place where they are not wearing any clothes all day and they have developed all that melanin to protect themselves from the sun, you know, even the term black is weird. >> trevor: oh my god. i'm not black. i'm not black. joe rogan is right, i'm like a caramel mocha frappuccino.

this changes everything! this changes everything. the police said i'm black. but yeah, apparently joe rogan really wants to know why they say black people if they are not the dollar color of a sharpie. and this actually is a common question. yeah, in fact when my brother was five years old he asked me the exact same thing. and i know a lot of people are upset about this. but look at the upside, at least joe rogan wasn't talking about vaccines, so that is a step in the right direction, right, let's acknowledge that. you know. what was weird about this whole thing was rogan's guest jordan peterson saying that his skin is actually tan. my man, you are not tan. like that guy, that is white. if anyone buys skin tanner and they end up looking like jordan peterson they should sue the company, have you seen his skin color. like he could be snow white. the thing that these guys seem to be ignoring is that black

people didn't call themselves black, you understand that, right. they were not like we're black, no in africa we have tribes. we have cultures, zulu, what wandas,-- but then white people got there and they're like wow, there is a lot of black people here. no a lot of black people. yeah, then in america they invented a rule that if you had one drop of black blood in you, that makes you black, which defined how you were treated by the government and by society. even vampires wouldn't bite you. i thrirs for the blood but i'm applying for mortgage, i can't risk it. >> you know what, trevor, i mean joe is right, man. i got to ta gree with him on this one. race is fluid, like what is race. like one time i put on like a korean charcoal face mask and i felt kind of asian until i put it on and i realized it was black face and then i started thinking hey, man, i can really emphasize the struggle and when

i said that out loud i got cancelled which made me feel white and i to start at the bottom of showbiz again so then i felt asian so right there i had five different racial experiences in the course of ten minutes. okay, so like what is race. >> trevor: i am going to choke this d-- chalk this up to the covid. >> whatever, man, i'm just saying, race is fluid, man. >> trevor: i feel you there, ronnie. all right, that is 2 nor the headlines, don't go away, because when we come back we're going to tell you how to get rich. you don't want to miss it rich. you don't want to miss it .

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"the daily show," let's talk about congress. the number one tourist destination for people rying to hang my pants, you may not know this but most members of congress are forced to scrape by a meesly $200,000 a year salary, which when you think about it is barely enough to afford a good prostitute. so naturally they need to supplement their income by investing in the stock markets. it it is a natural thing. but if you can believe it, there is now a new movement in congress to stop members from trading stocks all together. >> it's rare these days for this divided congress to agree on absolutely anything. but there may be one issue. it has the likes of alexandria ocasio-cortez and kevin mccarthy on the same side. they're both among members of congress pushing for new restrictions on how lawmakers trade stocks. >> democratic senator jon ossoff

just released a bill tonight that would force lawmakers to put their assets into a blind trust or pay a fine of their entire salary. gop senator josh hawley is working on a version too and in the house there is already a bipartisan bill called the trust in congress act. >> this comes only a few weeks after house speaker nancy pelosi doubled down on their right to invest in the stock market. >> if members of congress-- trade individual stocks. >> i no, no to the secretary one, this is a free market and people, we are a free market economy that should be able to participate in that. >> trevor: okay, well first of all, i can't believe there is an issue that aoc and kevin mccarthy agree on. those people don't agree on anything, except that those kids on euphoria are way too horny. don't you guys have homework. i'm pretty sure you can't put cocaine on a college application. and by the way, this bill is quite a move for a new senator like jon ossoff, think about it,

the guy just got to the senate and he's already coming after the wallets of his coworkers? it is like showing up to prison on your first day and being like hey, ward en, i think these guys are using spoons to dig something. but the question still is why do so many representatives from across the political spectrum want to ban congress from trading stocks. and why is nancy pelosi against that. well, let's find out. >> in another installment of if you don't know, now you know.>>s that historically congress has had no restrictions when it it comes to trading stocks, for most of american history insider trading laws that affected c.e.o.s isn't apply to members of congress. so if thomas edison testified behind closed doors, senators could just call up their broker going dump all my shares in candles. that shit is over, i tell you. they could use this advanced secret knowledge to make money for themselves. and it was illegal for everyone

else to do it tbu for some reason congress could. and it may have something to do with the fact that they were making the laws, who knows. so it st no surprise that members of congress have been really good at timing the stock market. >> economists have studied the portfolioless of members of congress and find they systemically outform perform the stock market. >> a study of dailt from the 1990 show senators trades outperformed the market by 12 percent ber year, that crushes investment guru warren buffett who only manages to beat it by 2.5%. >> a 2008 financial crisis turned it out to be a free for all for insider trading on capitol hill. according to a "washington post" expose 35 members cashed out on information they received from meetings with treasury secretary hank palmson and others. >> one of those attending was alabama representative spencer bachus. while congressman bachus was publicly trying to keep the economy from cratering he was privately betting it would. buying option funds that would go up in value if the market went down. he would make a variety of

trades and profit at a time when most americans were losing their shirts. >> now look, i know seeing politicians profit off of an economic meltdown might make you angry but don't forget they suffered too. do you have any idea how hard it is to pretend to it be sad when you are making bank. they have to give speeches of fighting the urge to be the dougie live on camera. and obviously something fishy is going on when members of congress are doing better in the stock market than warren buffett. i mean it definitely makes those fundraising emails even more annoying. i need five dollars by midnight. bitch, go talk to your e.trade, what are you talking to me for. i don't know, maybe i'm just jealous because members of congress get all the coolest secrets, you know, which stocks to buy, who the cia is killing. where they are keeping the aliens. every other workplace has stupid secrets. like my coolest secret right now at the show is that our producer shelley is pregnant and she's going to surprise her husband on

valentine's day, boring. but when people found out about congressman making money off of the financial cries,-- crash, there was a big enough outcry that congress was finally shamed into regulating themselves. they passioned the stock act. which banned members of congress from trading stocks based on private information. and forced them to publicly disclose all their trades within 45 days. but it turns out that legislation is like most members of congress before bed, completely toothless. >> it is certainly illegal for members of congress to parra take in insider trading. proving that is very difficult. >> if you want to nail them on insider trading, good luck. you could essentially say listen, i was recently told by my broker i should tell or i heard similar stuff from a third party. >> d o.j. has yet to successfully convict an elected member of congress based on this law. >> even if the law is followed, it barely has any teeth. nearly 50 lawmakers both

republicans and democrats and nearly 200 of their staffers have repeatedly violated the stock act with almost no consequences. you can make tens of millions of dollars with privileged information and what the penalty for failing to report these purchases? it is a joke. it is as low as $200. >> trevor: $200 is a penalty? i mean look, i'm no math expert but if i have to pay a $200 fine to make a trade that earns me millions of dollars, it would be like i'm coming out ahead. like i'm making a thousand dollars in profit at least, right? $200 is not a penalty, people, that is a chip you throw to the dealer after you win the poker tournament. you lose 200 just carrying the million dollars to the bank 6789 so it turns it out that the stock ak is just another one of those laws that no one enforces like jaywalking or pushing all the buttons in an elevator. and don't forget it's really hard to prove insider trading am

you can just say you weren't even paying attention during that private briefing that you got which as a member of congress is actually a very believable alibi, so the stock act really did nothing to stop insider trading. like remember, remember how those congressmen sold those stocks before its crash in 2008. well the same thing happened again a couple of years ago before covid hit. yeah, multiple senators dumped their stocks after intelligence officials told them in a private breaching that all of those coughing people in china were about to tank the world economy and still no one got punished. which is why even after the stock act members of congress continued to do so well that some of them have their own financial groupies. and no one has more than nancy pelosi. >> some tiktokers are getting stock market ideas by tracking members of congress and one of their fif rites is house speaker nancy pelosi. >> nancy pelosi just purchased millions of dollars in call options, you've got to see this.

>> shot out to nancy pelosi, the stock market's biggest whale, apparently she decided to go very heavy in tech stocks. i will show you which ones she bought. >> the queen of investing just spent $300,000 on this one stock so i think i will be picking up a couple shares on monday. >> this is about to go crazy because nancy pelosi bought it. >> trevor: that's right, nancy pelosi is a star on tiktok. she didn't need to steal any black people's dance moves to do it t that is amazing. in fact, i almost respect pelosi's hustle. she is 81 years old. most of her friends are probably playing the nickel stocks right now but she snows that it doesn't matter if it is casinos or wall street, the house always wins, baby. now haspel osi been so successful because of insider information, there there's no way to know but what's clear is that just being a member of congress means that you will probably know about the bad stuff that will crash a stock before the rest of us. yeah. whether it is the housing bubble, or elon musk hosting

snl. and until members of congress are banned from trading stocks congress will keep having an edge over regular people. and it will all be completely legal or at the very least so unenforceable that it is legal by default. but you have to tad mit it is such a smooth way to do corruption. in fact it is such a smooth way that leaders in the other parts of the world are starting to take notice. >> gentlemen, welcome to the-- it appears people have given you the sack receipt political office. how do you use that trust to get rich. >> i will pass laws that help those corporations in exchange for money. >> no, that is cor rufntion. what you do is you buy the stock in the company and then you pass the law, but that is also corruption, no, that is a free market. is i it with me. free market. free market. say it with feeling.

free market. >> free market. >> put this in your-- book, free market! good, in america, if you say the word free market you can do anything it st like their witchcraft but teacher, what if i called caught trading on my inside knowledge. >> then you pay the penalty. >> but as a lawmaker you get to decide the penalty. >> oh. i will pay $200? >> that is insultingly low. good job! >> students, you know what to do. >> i buy stocks in-- you have pass passed the test. >> there is no time.

>> oh no, there is. >> trevor: all right, when we come back i will be talking to the hill arious rick glassman about a show that combines autism and comedy. what? stay tuned what if smartphones were more than just smart? the all new google pixel 6 truly sees you. not a blurry face. and for things you don't want to see, it removes them instantly with magic eraser. on our most advanced and inclusive smartphone camera yet. live translate speaks your language and hers. it's the phone that understands we're all different. google pixel 6. for all you are. superstar kat valdez... kat valdez... kat valdez' fiancé was caught cheating on her. i think it's time to do something different. yes, i'll marry you. [ gasps ] dad, that's you! we're in this together. what do i do? -just stand and smile.

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the kfc chicken sandwich is only served one way: straight from the fryer, piping hot, and kentucky fried to order. if you don't like it this way, you'll have to go somewhere else. kfc. it's finger lickin' good. "the daily show," my guest tonight is comedian and actor rick glassman. he's here to talk tb his new series that follows a trio of roommates on the autism spectrum as they navigate life, work and pursuing love. >> is it obvious to everyone that i am not normal? am i not passing. >> i think you are normal. >> do i talk about it with people, no, what if i don't want to. >> then he i don't whichant don't want to. >> okay, then don't. >> i'm taking-- on a date and i need it to go perfect. she needs to see that i can be normal. >> i think you just have to be yourself, jack. >> did you not hear a word i just said? >> okay, listen. for what it st worth, i think

are you such a beautiful person, you don't have to thighed who you are. >> that makes me want to throw up. >> trevor: oh man. rick glassman, welcome to the daily show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: this is a really fun show. when people tell tu about a show and they go this show is going to be about these people, you immediately think a few things. doesn't matter who the people are. so they go this is going to be a black show. this is going to be a show about african. this is going to be a show about europeans, you know what i mean, this is going to it be a show about autism. >> yeah. >> >> trevor: you go what does that mean and you watch and you go people in the show happen to be dealing with the show, it it st a story. >> i thought our show was going to be a black show until it came out and it is funny that you bring that up as an example. you know, it was a pleasure to do this. i was diagnosed with autism five years ago. >> trevor: okay.

>> and when i first found out it was like a superpower. i was so excited. all of these obstacles i had in my life that were unrelated, patterns started showing themselves and i was like oh my god, this makes so much sense. and i was reading up on it and found all these tools i never developed and i was so excited. as i began it to tell nie friends some people would be like that makes sense. and soam would say that is not what autism it t is. and i got in a really bad depression for a little over a year because this identity that i wanted to take on, i didn't understand how to explain. >> trevor: that is fascinating. >> does that make sense. >> trevor: that makes a lot of sense. that makes a lot of sense. >> i'm learning new tools on how to speak to people and figuring sufficient out. incidentally this is is my first doing this, a late night show and an interview. an when i booked the show i was so nervous about this moment because i didn't want to it be obligated to be a spokesperson about a thing that i was still learning about myself. >> trevor: oh man, that's deep. >> thank you. >> trevor: that's really deep, no, for real. >> but then i did the show and i had one autistic friend before

the show. >> trevor: okay. >> i do the show and there is a quote that i love dr. steven shore said if you met one person with autism it means you met one person with autism. >> trevor: i love that quote. >> i love that too because it made me feel like i don't have to explain who i am. i could just be it. and i'm accepted or i'm not. and what i found is once i got my diagnosis, it did two things for me. internally it allowed me to better communicate and teach people how to communicate with me. i would often say if you think i'm weird, just tell me, i'm not going to pick up on it it, if i am being annoying give me the benefit of the doubt and say rick, slow down. but did minute do that. >> oh yeah, you give them that opportunity, it lets them feel safe, so safe that they don't even care. oh, i-- yeah, he told me about this, that's fine. >> trevor: that's really interesting. >> i-- wonder if it st in a way being vulnerable with a person makes them comfortable being vulnerable back with you. so if you feel like somebody is being quote unquote weird it is hard to say that because you don't know how you feel. you don't want to say the thing, there is a vulnerability with

telling somebody how you feel about how they are making you feel. so if you put yourself in the position where you go hey, i'm actually the person that has an issue, they then go oh, they have other sloos and then they just go i'm comfortable now. >> what i've learned with, at least this has helped my self-worth is so like you said everyone has an issue. but the issue, if you have a problem with me isn't the thing i'm doing. if i am punching you, maybe. but one little thing of the lack of connection, it st the communication, and people don't want to say why are you doing that. they would rather just assume that like-- . >> trevor: we try to be polite. >> that's not polite. >> trevor: but we think it st polite. that is what i like about the show, you are meeting individuals, people, the character you play is different to the characters that some of your classmates are playing and you are seeing different spectrums, different characters, different obstacles in life and that is what i love about the show, but most importantly can i say this, it is funny and it is heartwarming, people are telling a story about people who happen to have autism and they have autism in real life. >> there were characters that i met on set because all the neurodiverse people are are played by neurodiverse actors,

also there was one actor who has autism that played a neureau typical person, i'm meeting most of these people in the character they're playing and that, they are autism. and then cut and i meet a completely different person, and it's, it was just so, that is why i love that quote, you meet one person, for every person i met on set i met two people where oughtism, their representation of it and who they really were. and it made me feel so good. this just happened a few days ago and i almost want to check in. >> this is fine. we won't say names there was a friend of mine who was an ex-girlfriend. okay. do we have time. >> trevor: yeah, go ahead f we don't have time i will cut it tout. >> you will leave it. a friend of mine i was dating and i went to her hometown, this was nine years ago. prediagnosis and there were a couple of obstacles with the mom that i didn't know were happening. >> trevor: all right. >> small example was i only had a few things to do laundry and i

was going to do them but that is a waste, she said i will do it the laundry. i said i will like to do my own, please, let me, she was going to wash with purple sheets that were never washed before, i said are the sheets washed before she thinks i'm saying she doesn't know how to do laundry i think i'm saying i want to save my shorts. a lot of things kept happening and the moment my girl friend she tim was at the neighbor, it it was the mom and me and making hot dogs and i take a look and the hot dogs are purple which ised o. i didn't want to ask because i had a lot of purple drama already, so i look in the garbage, and see that they have expired or what brand, maybe a purple hot dog. >> trevor: you didn't know. >> i had to ask. and the wrappers were under some garbage which made me feel like is she hiding the wrapper, so now, it expired four years ago. the hot dogs expired four years ago and they are hidden am so now what do i do, i don't know how to ta proach this because i'm recognizing something is a little odd from that day. >> trevor: a little.

>> so so i said i'm not going to eat the hot dogk i didn't need the details i go around it, she said yrk i told her the hot dogs are purple and she said well, they're fine. and i said they expired four year years ago. she said they were in the freezer. >> i said freezers aren't magic n my head we're having a fun debate on hot dogs and she is like my daughter is go to marry this guy that is nuts. three days ago my friend calls me that her mom called her crying i'm on episode 7 of rick's show, i get it. i'm-- i get it. and this idea of like it lets people in on oh, if you just realize that these people are not worse but just speak a different lan imaij, their hot dogs are a different color. >> trevor: right. >> and it took watching a show of me playing someone i'm not, for her to stee who i was nine years ago and it just let something loose that, and this is maybe selfish or corny thing to say, i'm part of this show that isn't just making people that i had never met be like oh good, there is some representation of like the realities of it it it it happened to me. and like you needed me to do

this show as we see it on amazon prime streaming now to have you understand that i didn't want to eat a purple hot dog? >> trevor: rick, this has been fun, thanks for making my day, congratulations on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: really appreciate you. >> cheer. >> trevor: all episodes of as we see it or streaming right now on amazon prime video. we have to take a quick break, we'll be right back after this. thank you, man, this is really ,

don't forget to check out "the daily show's" merch collection which is inspired by our segment if you don't know now you know. 100 percent of viacom's cbs proceeds will be donated to 826 national, the largest youth writing network in the country that sets our underserved students for success with the power of writing, so if you want to support it and look fresh at the same time, all you have to do is scan the qr code below or head to the blink. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember, if you are a black woman, keep your phone on you. yeah. joe biden might be calling you to put you on the supreme court. now here it is. your moment of zen. >> the tax hike acting hangs

like a gill teen while they eat cake, this is nothing short of a cries. and the only route out, the only route to restore public trust is for the prime minister to go. >> well, mr. speaker, i don't know who has been eating more cake. captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woe's behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

( yelling ) be quiet back there ! these roads are slick ! hey, cartman ! what ? are you gonna share that cake with us ? mmm, let me think--no. come on, fat ass ! you shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway. it's chocolatey and delightful. give us some, cartman ! be quiet back there ! whoa dude, the road is really snowy out there. the road is always snowy. i know but it's really snowy today. i can't possibly finish this whole cake. yes, i can. shut up, cartman ! okay, that does it ! y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies ! ( gasping ) she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but i wonder if she ever would. she would dude, she would. ahh ! oh, for christ sake, i don't believe this !

come on fat boy, give us some cake now. i cannot possibly eat one more bit of this chocolatey goodness. oh, wait, wait, i'll try. dammit, you are such a fat !@#$% what did you say ?! uh, oh. ( screaming ) i'm scared ! be quiet, kids ! and right up here you can see a red bellied chickadee. they're indigenous to this area. ( screaming ) what was that ? what was what ? all done. sit down and shut up ! ( moaning ) i said quiet or else i kill the bunny ! where are we ?

i have no idea. i don't think we're in a very safe spot. ( stan ) yeah, what are we supposed to do ? just keep your traps shut. i'll consult the manual. miss crabtree ? shut up kid ! i have to watch a training video ! hello and welcome to tape seven of the bus driver's video guidebook, "what to do if you've become stranded". by now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the "keep quiet or i'll kill the bunny" technique. now it's time to get help. the most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. so, do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. the best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, "a big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus". kids, do not get off this bus ! if you do, a big, scary monster will eat you ! that's right. with the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. and remember your bus driver's code, "sit down and shut up" ! i'm going for help ! i'll be back as soon as i can ! remember, don't get off this bus

or a big, scary monster will eat you ! hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her ? 'cause, dumb ass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches. ( miss crabtree ) what did you say ?! i saidlarry kingwill grant me three wishes. hey, this is not good. she could have at least left the heat on. had to happen to me, didn't it ? ♪ looking for love in all the wrong places ♪ ♪ looking for love in too... ♪ oh, it's supper time, come to papa. hello, little lady, going my way ? shut up and help me into this thing ! come on, i haven't got all day ! alright, sure, of course. take me to the nearest town and make it snappy, you freak-ass crack pot ! yes ma'am, right away ma'am. so what's a fragile little doll like yourself doing out on a night like this ?

look mister, i got a bus load of kids trapped up on that pass. i need a crane, helicopters, all that crap ! here let me have some of your aspirin ! ma'am, those are actuallyroofies. roofies, aspirin, right now i don't give a rat's ass ! how far to the nearest town ? ... a-ways... you guys, what if miss crabtree doesn't come back and we're all trapped here forever ? ( gasping ) we couldn't get trapped here forever, cartman. we'd die after a couple of days. ( gasping ) dude ! what ? i don't want to die with you assholes ! you guys suck ! will you just relax ? we've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine. worse than this ? oh sure, don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnaped your little brother, ike ? nowthatwas scary. how come the visitors aren't coming for him ? i think we have to signal them somehow. ( farting ) hey, he's like rudolph ! all you have to do is fart some more cartman, and the visitors are sure to come. really ? i don't think i have to fart anymore tonight. sure you do ! come on cartman, fart.