why football is weird. and linsdsey vonn. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: hey! what's doing on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. let's jump straight into today's headlines. ♪♪ ♪♪ and we begin with the supreme court. the world's lamest gospel choir. today, major news people, supreme court justice stephen breyer officially announced he is retiring. you're thinking we spoke about this yesterday. no, that was unofficially. that was like a tweet that wasn't official but it was official. this is official official. this is going to have ramifications. be ever we get into the politics let's take a moment to mourn justice breyer's career. that's enough of that. joe biden, if you remember, promised during the campaign he was going to nominate a black woman if an opening came up on the supreme court because he

cares deeply about representation and winning georgia. so now it looks like that's what we're planning to do but everyone is not happy about that. >> right off the bat he is excluded all potential candidate who are not african-american women. so if you're a man, if you happen to be white, an asian-american, hispanic-american, joe biden will not even look at your resume. to exclude certain candidates based solely on race and gender is beyond extremely divisive, it may even be illegal. >> i don't think the president should ever ever insult the person he's going to nominate by saying you're not the most qualified person you're just the most qualified black woman person. >> what kind of qualification is that being a black woman? is this our standards in terms to have the highest court in the land? >> you almost got the impression joe biden believes all black women are identical. this is why decent americans

hated segregation it dehumanized people. why isn't there an american indian, a gender queer, an afghan refugee under consideration? >> trevor: yeah and why isn't there a sexy m&m under consideration? i'm talking about one of those m&m's that goes right from the legs straight to the show. did we all just get horn j? just me? there's a lot to unpack here but most importantly being a black woman isn't the qualification, all right. joe biden is going to pick a black woman who is also qualified. these people act like biden is just going to show up at the mall and be, like, sha any quo, come with me. my name is regina. just put on these robes, i need help with abortion. no, she's going to be qualified. whites that a bad thing? why not make the supreme court a little more representative of the country it represents? their rulings impact the liveso *6 r of every person in the country so it would be nice to have at least one justice on

there who's had to ask the walgreen's guy to unlock the shampoo shelf. at the same time i hear what the fox people are saying, it shouldn't matter whether you're black or white, this position should only go to the most qualified judge -- who also thinks that guns are people. i feel bad for tucker carlson. of course he's upset. think about it -- for almost all of american history the entire supreme court was white dudes with bow ties and weird hair. and now that's all gone. huh? it's all gone. where's tucker's representation? huh? la crosse lives matter, people. lest move on from america to america's estranged dad, great britain. their prime minister boris johnson has been embroiled in scandal ever since it was discovered britains were in lockdowns he broke the rules and threw parties -- retirement party, birthday party, hang out

parties, they were throwing parties because someone figured out how to unjam the printer. it's really working! this calls for a spot of bubbly! greg, greg, greg, greg! if that wasn't bad enough, now boris has another scandal brewing. >> british prime minister boris johnson, get this, is once again on the defense. >> over another issue, this time whether he authorized the evacuation of cats and dogs from afghanistan. appeared to contradict johnson's claims of having nothing to do with the evacuation of animals from a british charity in achings when humans were trying to find a way out. >> boris denied it. he repeated this lunchtime. >> this is totally rhubarb. the military always prioritized human beings and that was quite right and i think we should be incredibly proud of what it

achieved. >> trevor: can i be honest? this is the most white people's scandal of all time. you rescued pets before human beings? you have to prioritize saving people over animals because people will be grateful about it. you rescue a cat from afghanistan, it will act like it's doing you a favor. meow, thanks. boris says the scandal is total rhubarb so you can tell he stressed because british people only bust out obscure vegetables when their backs are against the wall prince andrew what were you doing on epstein's island? oh, brussels sprouts, it's not what you said! when most politicians try to undo the scandal trump was a genius. he would add another one to throw us off the trail. i know you're upset but why are we talking about me sleeping with a porn star when i'm about to overthrow the government, huh? that's the real story, folks. throwing over my own government,

and i'm going to overthrow it with me inside it. now i'm upside down. all right, finally, let us turn to toad big education news. i before e except after c. apparently, it's not true. you can just flip that shit. i based my whole personality on that. also another education story is, over the last few months, there have been big movements by conservatives to put limits on what kids with learn in schools. lawless saying you can't teach divisive concepts about race, laws saying books should be pulled from libraries for talking about gender identity. basically at this point if it's not math, science or how to hide from a shooter, they don't think it's appropriate for kids to know about. one school board is going after a surprising new target. >> a tennessee school board decided to ban the pulitzer prize winning graphic novel maus. the only graphic novel ever to win the pulitzer but the mckin county school board in tennessee

banned the "rise." one board member said it shows people hanging, shows them killing kids, why does the educational system promote this kind of stuff? it's not wise or healthy. >> maus is widely sean as the gold standard when it comes to teaching kids about the holocaust given its yeah neck voice, its unique approach, this decision baffling the author of maus. he was interviewed and said this, it's leaving me be my jaw open like what? i also understand tennessee is obviously demented. there's something going on very very haywire there. >> trevor: if you don't know maus, the whole reason the "rise" is taught in middle school is it's a serious "rise" about the holocaust kids want to read and adults, too. because a subject this huge and horrifying is hard to get your head around. maus turns all of the people into cartoon animals. jews represented by mice, germans by cats, and because that's a trope we're familiar with from comic books, it helps

people process this event that's unthinkable otherwise. it's either a comic "rise" or that peanut special, it's genocide charlie brown. seriously, though, just because you show something doesn't mean you are promoting it. you need to include certain stories because they represent reality. like having the n-word in huckelberry finn or to kill a mockingbird or of mice and men or the n-word -- ♪♪ ♪♪ good night moon. wow. they said the n-word a lot. so tennessee school board, you don't need to be denying the holocaust, okay? that's youtube's job. stay in your lane. when you teach kids, teach them the whole truth. you can't teach it while avoiding some of the unpleasant parts. that's not the thing. that's history. supposed to teach it properly, and it's going to make the kids look really dumb later on in life. oh, yes, the holocaust. when millions of people were given free pa pajamas.

no? okay. enough of that. let's move on to the main story. which is once again about the coronavirus pandemic. i know it seems like we talk about covid every single day but don't worry, this is a new variant. one thing everyone agrees on is that, sooner or later, kids knead to be to be back in school because zoom classes are a nightmare. and they were especially hard for the teachers at that euphoria high school -- will everyone please turn on your cameras? everyone turn -- wait, wait, is that a penis? turn it off! turn it off! now,en fortunately, schools have to contend with covid, which also likes everyone being inside classrooms. so how are schools dealing with in-person classes during a pandemic? well, let's find out in another installment of getting back to normal-ish. ♪♪♪

if there's one thing we've learned about covid is that it spreads most when people are crowded indoors, and if there's one thing that schools are about, it's crowding people into tight spaces -- classrooms, hallways, lockers. so as you can imagine, this has caused a lot of problems for students. since omicron started, count les kids around the country have gotten infected, or they've had to isolate because some kid in their class got infected. and when you think about it, it's disorienting not to know what each day is going to bring. are they going to be in class? are they going to be home? is the bullying going to be in person or cyber? you need to plan! it's been chaos for students which is why some schools decided to do away with the indoor part of indoor learning altogether. >> the pandemic has many parents and school districts still struggling with remote versus in-person learning but some schools are finding a compromise

in the great outdoors. >> despite frigid temperatures in wisconsin and maine, these schools move some glasses outside to help prevent the spread. >> 17 schools in portland maine built outdoor learning spaces, plenty of winter gear and wi-fi. with wind chill, it's minus seven. >> try not to burn your mittens. >> trevor: that's right, cove, you're not going to get these kids because they'll freed to death first. check mate! the classrooms may be colder than a trader joes burrito but they're probably a benefit to students. younger kids get to play in the snow and high schoolers don't have to worry about spontaneous erections anymore. everybody wins. not to mention the kids will be the first generation that can outflex their grandparents about how hard they had it. i used to walk ten miles in the snow just to get to school! bitch, the snow was my school! but if kids are stressed out by everything that's going on, it's also hard on the teachers.

a lot of them are staying home because they're either worried about getting covid or they already have it, which is why there's a big teacher shortage right now all across the country, and that's a problem because without teachers, you don't have a school. i mean, now it's just juvy. so schools around the country are trying to solve their staffing problems with whoever they can find. >> as omicron surges on, teachers are calling out with covid leading to a potential crisis across the nation's schools. with record numbers calling in sick, thousands of schools have been forced to close. schools scrambling to keep kids in the classroom, forced to come up with creative solutions. >> in miami, a staggering 1700 teachers called in sick today. it was all hands on deck. even the district superintendent filled in as a substitute science teacher. in michigan, lunch ladies and school bus drivers are stepping in to supervisor classes. >> school districts facing teacher shortages are asking parents and alum to fill in as

substitutes. >> hundreds of parents in palo alto, cc are volunteering at schools doing anything from light custodial work to food services. >> i've cleaned tables, swept floors. >> in nicki minaj, the governor now walling calling on the national guard to teach kids. in oklahoma, off-duty police officers are now stepping in to teach. >> trevor: wow... using cops and substitute teachers? i mean, that's one way to get theblock kids raising their hands in class class. kevin, did you have a question? no, sir, i just don't want any trouble. it actually would be pretty fun yes in the teachers and cops switched jobs permanently. you have to admit it would be so nice to get pulled over by a teacher for a change. sir, do you know how fast you were going? because you left tulsa at 3:08 p.m. and arrived here two hours later which means -- i'm not hating, though. i think it's great people from the community are stepping up. let's not forget, there's no way

to replace a professional substitute teacher. yeah, you think anyone can just show up, pass out a worksheet and get roasted eight hours by a bunch of eleven-year-olds? no, that is an art form. some of these pandemic policies have been hard on teachers and students but the people making the policies aren't getting off easy, talking about the local school boards. yeah, they're stuck in the middle between parents who are terrified of their kids safety and parents who are terrified that the masks their kids wear will turn their kids into tiny little futureys. i'm home from school, mom, and all the data supports me getting some mac and cheese right now. follow the science, mommy! so school boards are in a tough spots and not every parent is showing their appreciation. >> this school board meeting in virginia taking a wild turn thursday as a page county parent was arrested and released on a $5,000 bond after she was captured on tape threatening to

bring guns to her children's school if the district continued to enforce their mask mandate. >> my children will not come to school on monday with a mask on, all right. that's not happening and i will bring every single gun loaded and ready to -- i will -- i will call every -- >> okay, that's three minutes. you've gone past your time. it's a policy. thank you. >> mm-hmm. i'll see y'all on monday. >> trevor: so you don't want to hear the end of the threat? i mean, i know there's a time policy, but if someone's threatening to kill me, i want to hear what they have to say so i know how to escape. i mean, this does show you how often school boards get death threats screamed at them. did you see how calm these people were? this woman was talking about bringing every loaded gun to school and they're like -- time is up, thank you. the next speaker is jennifer

higgins who has a proposal for burning down our houses. go ahead, police remember keep it to three minutes. for more on the destruction omicron is causing with schools. let's go to roy wood, jr. standing outside a random school. >> do i have to be out here, trevor? it's cold as hell. i could just talk to you in the studio. >> trevor: i'm sorry, roy, that's not possible. this is how the news is. we're talking about a school so you have to be at a school, otherwise how will people trust what a school is? anyway, let's talk about all the chaos in schools right now, roy, it almost feels like we're back in 2020, right? >> it sure as shit does. i'm so fed up with omicron, man, it's ruining everything. it's ruining things for students, teachers, parents, everybody, not to mention all the money i'm losing on these shirts i printed up a couple of months ago. look at this, man! i hadn't sold a single one of these! damn omicron, you don't know the overhead on that. really gives you a new

appreciation for all those chill viruses we have out there. >> trevor: yeah, that's so -- wait, i'm sorry, did you say chill viruses? i don't think there's such a thing as a chill virus, roy. >> no, i think that's where you're wrong, trevor. there are plenty of viruses out there keeping to themselves, not stirring up trouble all the time like hepatitis a. >> trevor: i'm sorry, roy. are you saying hepatitis a is a chill virus? >> totally chill virus, trevor, calm as hell. nobody's getting hepatitis a standing in line at wal-mart. only way, if you go out to eat and cook doesn't wash hands after wiping his ass. you don't have to worry about masks, just don't order a sloppy joe at a truck stop and you're good. >> trevor: i see what you're seeing. maybe we should give credit to those viruses that are more day

to day. like mono. >> my boy epstein bar, also known as the kissing disease. you may not know this but you know why they call it the kissing disease? because you did get it from kissing. one to have the few diseases where the diagnosis comes with a high five. >> trevor: so true. the doctor is, like, i've got good news and bad news. the bad news is you have mono, the good news is, my man. >> hell, yeah. by the way did you know epstein barr is named after jeffery ep seen and former bill barr. >> trevor: i didn't know that. >> i don't preach, i teach. another virus i didn't appreciate till krone acame along, herpes. >> trevor: i don't think i'm ready to throw think support behind herpes. >> 200 million people in this country have herpes but it's

such a chill virus most people don't even realize they have it. like cinemax sitting at channel 637 minding his own business, hell, i bet you have herpes. >> trevor: no, i don't have herpes. i do not, roy. >> statistically, you probably do. >> trevor: i don't -- i'm sure that i don't, roy, thank you so much. >> look, it doesn't matter if or how you got herpes, man. the point is i want to take a moment to apologize to all the chill viruses out there. we took you for granted before but no longer. we appreciate you and all you do for us from help a all the way to trevor noah's herpes, thank you. >> trevor: i do not have herpes. thank you so much, roy. cut his feed. we'll take a quick break. when we come back, ronny chieng will explain why american football makes no sense. you don't want to miss it. we can cut out all the herpes stuff, right? >> we're live. >> trevor: what do you mean we're live? we're going to have -- my herpes is on tv?

i don't have herpes. the thing he said about herpes on tv. >> it's confirmed, he has it. yes, yes, he does. just making sure. ♪"don't ya leave" by squeak e clean♪ [doorbell] ♪ [doorbell] ♪ [doorbell] all the delivery. no delivery fees. dashpass. no delivery fees. making bublé water... ohhh turn water into fresh sparkling water in seconds and now you can mix your favorite bubly flavors at home [ snoring ] honey, geo's pizza palace just launched cha cha cheesy bread. i'll go wake up the kids. excuse me. a random sales rep just emailed for the 14th time about an important new offer that has nothing to do with our business. well forget the merger, this is far more important.

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yep, it's go time with wireless on the most reliable network. ok, that jump was crazy! with an ally. but what's crazier? you get unlimited for just 30 bucks. nice! but mine has 5g included. wait! 5g included? yup, even these guys get it. nice ride, by the way. and the icing on the cake? saving up to 400 bucks? exactly. wait, shouldn't you be navigating? xfinity mobile. it's wireless that does it all and saves a lot. like a lot, a lot. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." if you spent your whole life in america, you might not know what other countries think about this great country. well, luckily, ronny chieng is happy to tell you in his new segment, number wcf. >> as someone who's lived all over the world, it's my responsibility to let americans

know the rest of us think a lot of what you guys do is super weird. ♪♪♪ >> for example, american football, which you guys think of as the most normal thing ever. let me assure you everything about it is crazy. before the game even starts, everyone has to stand up and sing the national anthem together? nobody else on the planet does that. we just assume everyone knows what country they're in before the game starts, and then there's the game itself. first of all, the teams all have, like, 300 people. that's not a sport. that's an army. that's so many people everyone has their own special job to do. like one guy throws the ball. one guy kicks the ball. one guy throws the ball to the guy who throws the ball. speaking of the ball, this is isn't normal either. okay. balls are supposed to be round. that's the main thing that makes

it a ball. but in this insane sport even the ball has brain damage. and what's with the scoring? six points with a touchdown, one point for the kick after you make it but if you make the same kick before you scored it would have been three points, and you can also score a touchdown again after the touchdown, but this time it's only worth two points. who came up with this shit? if you ask me, a touchdown should be worth 100 points. the player deserves it. he basically dodged a mugging with a slippery almond in his hand. 100 points would be easier to keep up with. how do you get drunk and still follow along with the spreadsheet? speaking of drinking, you realize how weared tailgating is. getting drunk in a parking lot isn't a family activity, it's a sign to get a life together. i feel like the whole thing started because a bunch of pickup trucks broke down in a stadium parking lot and they tried to play it off like, no,

no, no, we meant to park here five hours before the game. if you're tailgating at a game, better not be too young. don't forget about america's super young drinking age. you have to be 21? doesn't make sense. you're trying to keep kids from becoming alcoholics but that's failed. college dorms are so soaked in boos if you lit a match the building would explode. maybe you're not going to a game, maybe you're watching at home instead. in which ways you will probably see 50 tv ads for prescription drugs which you think is normal but you're the only ones. there's a reason this doesn't happen in other countries. most to have the people watching tv aren't doctors so there's no reason to market to them directly. especially the way they do it. they ask you questions like, hey, are you drowsy or sad or achy or farting? yes! i'm all those things now because i'm a (~bleep~) person. if someone needs a drug, a

doctor will prescribe it. you shouldn't have to ask them if it's right for you. this doesn't happen in any other part of medical care. there's no tv ads asking you to ask a doctor whether you should cup your balls and cough. your pervert doctor will do that on their own. do your thing, america. know that when were you're ready you're more welcome to join the rest of the world and start following soccer, a sport where the ball is round, the scoring is simple and the only thing fans are doing in a parking lot is fighting each other to the death like god intended. ♪♪ ♪♪ >> trevor: thank you so much for that ronny. when we come back, olympic charchian linsdsey vonn will be joining me right here on the show. so don't go what if smartphones were more than just smart? the all new google pixel 6 truly sees you. not a blurry face. and for things you don't want to see, it removes them instantly with magic eraser.

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visit your local t-mobile store today. medalist and the most decorated female skier of all time linsdsey vonn. she's here to talk about her new memoir about her record-breaking

skiing career and new journey as an entrepreneur. linsdsey vonn, welcome to "the daily show." >> great. thanks for having me. >> trevor: i've known you for a few years so i nu uh some of the stories in this "rise" but i didn't know how much of a -- let me choose my words carefully -- crazy person you were ( laughter ) >> i was expecting something like that. >> trevor: no, i tell you what. i struggle to plan what i'm going to do next week in life. you had a ten-year plan to make it to the olympics, and this is a plan as a nine-year-old i have to add on top of that. at nine you were, like, i want to go to the olympics in ten years. >> yeah, my dad definitely helped me with the planning. yeah, i met my idol when i was nine, came home, this is it, this is what i want to do. i was, like, okay, let's make a plan. we printed out calendars, high lighters, it was a whole thing. >> trevor: what were you planning in ten years? >> when you're nine you have to build up a point profile,

certain requirements that you have to make in order to make the progression to even get to the u.s. ski team and then to the olympics. so -- and my dad was a racer when he was going up so he knew all the levels that i needed to get and, you know, obviously, i had to start expanding my repertoire because i was from minnesota so 300 vertical feet is not a place where you learn down-hole skiing. so we had to move to colorado when i was 12. the ten-year plan was expensive. >> trevor: minnesota might have not been great for your repertoire but it was great for preparing you for the doldrums to have the cold. do you even feel cold anymore? everyone is dying in new york, freezing. when you came in, i was, like, she's going to be coming in in a tank top. >> i hate the cold is that you hate the hold. >> i'm the bane to have the cold. >> trevor: you are the bane of the cold. >> why do you think i ski fast? >> trevor: to get out of the cold? >> exactly. i literally make it to the

bottom as fast as i can and put my clothes back on. >> trevor: makes sense. >> yeah. >> trevor: i also didn't know, you're an interesting human and talk about how hard life was. athletes say don't tell people you're depressed, you will lose endorsement. you said i'm struggling with depression and this is what i'm doing about it. what's interesting is you don't seem tore fear when it comes to the slopes, though. life is the scary thing and then you're going down a hill at i don't know how many miles an hour. >> 85, roughly. >> trevor: 85 miles, not kilometers. >> correct, miles per hour. >> trevor: and there's no fear. >> no. i mean, skiing is like the most simple thing in my life, the easiest thing. everything else was hard and skiing was like my sanctuary. >> trevor: how many times have you crashed? >> we don't have enough hours in the show to talk about all the

crashes. >> trevor: crush, no fear. >> that's part of the job. that's the risk factor in skiing and one to have the things that makes it exciting. >> trevor: right. >> wouldn't be exciting if every time you fell you fell into a pile of pillows. >> trevor: i thought that's what it was. i always wanted to learn how to ski. >> it's done, we're doing it. >> trevor: then i saw your injuries and i thought the whole point of skiing is you fall into clouds and don't get hurt. >> snow is not as soft as it may appear. >> trevor: yeah, it's ridiculous. >> it's hard, yea. >> trevor: linsdsey vonn has gone on to inspire so many people. you're mentoring, you know, some of the skiers, some of the athletes going to the winter olympics. you're going to be commentating on that. when you are watching the olympics, do you have sports you love? is it always going to be skiing or are there sports where you're, like, your secret passion, like curling is my shit. >> i'm from minnesota so curling

should be my shit. but it's not. i love figure skating. it's cool. figure skating and gymnastics are my jam. i love alpine skiing and i will help people i've known throughout my career and team u.s.a. but it's going to be hard to watch because i will miss competing a little bit. >> trevor: one of the hardest things athletes face is the fact that their careers are essentially over when life sort of begins yawrchlts. >> trevor: athletes talk about this all the time, you know, whether chris bosh, dwyane wade, yourself, everyone goes, yeah, i'm 36, 37 years old and now life is over? how have you dealt with that? >> it was a tough transition. i think the first year was really hard and even though i had set up business and i had so much to do, it didn't take away from the fact that, you know, skiing was gone. >> trevor: right.

>> it's something you've done your entire life. it's not like a career change where you can change your mind and go back to it. it's like one day you wake up and what you love to do is no longer possible. >> trevor: wow. >> it was a hard moment for me. i figured it out and found new passions and ways to challenge myself. that's the most important thing. athletes are driven and goal oriented and we need to push ourselves towards. for me that's business and i'm in venture capital bit now. there are a lot of things going on which excites me. it's not going 85 miles an hour down a mountain but i will make do with what i have. >> trevor: are there things you miss that you're trying to apply to your life now that i didn't know, for instance, before you went downhill you would spit. i didn't know if i was reading that correctly. you were spitting. >> of all the things to pick out in my "rise," you know, we can talk about spitting. >> trevor: i didn't understand this. >> i don't know, i think that's just something i naturally did but i guess it boosts

testosterone. some athletes do it. it's not very lady like. >> trevor: you spit before you do the thing. >> yeah, it's a thing. >> trevor: do you do it now before big meetings? >> no. ( laughter ) >> trevor: it could bring back the throw. >> i don't think the board room is meant for -- >> trevor: outside the boardroom. >> before i go to my meeting and get into it. >> trevor: don't knock it before you try it. linsdsey vonn, congratulations on writing an amazing "rise." it's really fun, inspiring story, i think people will enjoy it. good luck for the olympics and the world of venture capital and business and hopefully we'll see you again on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: lindsey's memoir "rise: my story" is available wherever books are sold. quick break. back after this.

>> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight, but before we go: today is holocaust remembrance day, so please consider supporting the united states holocaust memorial museum. it's a living memorial that seeks to inspire citizens and leaders worldwide to confront hatred prevent genocide, and promote human dignity. if you'd like to help support their programs please donate at the link below. until next time -- stay safe out

there, get your vaccine, and remember: if you're out in the woods and come across a classroom of students, that's their home and they're more scared of you than you are of them. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ do you want to build a snowman ♪ >> do you want to build a snow man. >> do you want to build a snow man. >> do you want to build a snowman. >> jackie question for you. do you want to build a snowman. >> do you want to build a snowman. >> don't put that in my head, jacob. >> either that or the bruno song. >> we don't talk about bruno. we don't talk about bruno. >> we don't talk about bruno, no, no, no. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪

both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

- [over loudspeaker] ladies and gentlemen, give it up for jimmy! - thank you. wow! what a terrific audience. i know what most of you are thinking. "hey, that guy stole my shoes." wow, what a great audience. and how about this michael jackson guy, huh? i mean, come on. wow, what a great audience. uh... lights, please? - hey, jimmy. - butters, where is everybody? - oh, yeah, well, about that. christopher reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him. - christopher reeve? christopher reeve! - you know, christopher reeve, the guy who played superman.

- i know who he is, but why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him? - well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. he's an inspiration to us all. that's why everyone ditched on your show. - so then how come you came? - well, because i said i would. aw, i'm a dork, huh? - and so without further ado, here is the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet: christopher reeve. [cheers and applause] - thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. i just flew into south park. used to be i didn't need an airplane. all: awww! - as most of you know... i am a strong supporter of stem-cell research. - say, fellas, thanks a lot for going to my c-comedy show! - we didn't go to your comedy show. - i know that! i was being fac--fac--facetious! - well, dude, christopher reeve, dude. - ooh, christopher reeve! whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!

- dude, that's not cool. you shouldn't make fun of christopher reeve. - yeah, dude, not cool. - though it is controversial... stem-cell research is critical... in the quest for helping... the disabled. - i put together a comedy show, and i was crippled from birth! - uh, guys, i think we better stay out of this one. - yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. let's go play with trucks or something. - can you believe this asswipe, timmy? - timmy! - why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much? - timmy! - in the coming days... i will prove to the world that stem-cell research is a miracle. [imitating trucks] - move it, kenny. - hey, there, fellas. - oh, hey, jimmy. hey, timmy. - timmy! - say, would you guys like to join our club? oh, i'm sorry, you can't. you aren't crippled. [chuckles] - what? - to be in our club,