tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central February 15, 2022 11:00pm-11:45pm PST
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[car door opening] son of a bitch. >> trevor: people are still today talking about snoop dogg smoking weed before his super bowl performance by which i don't even understand how anyone would go this is anything to write about. they're, like, snoop dogg smoked weed before he -- i was shocked snoop dogg didn't ever smoke weed. they made it seem like he smoked for the first time. this is snoop dogg. he's the guy -- first, also, it's legal, all right. you're in california, it is completely legal for snoop dogg to do that. also, he's snoop dogg. it was legal for him before it was legal. him and weed are old friends from way back. be like did you see snoop
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smoking? i would be shocked if snoop didn't smoke weed. i was wondering what if we don't know who snoop is, we know snoop on weed snoop. like that man has smoked so much weed we think we know him but what if that's not him. what if he smokes his weed and does his thing but if he doesn't he's a totally different person. it's snoop doll, and he hasn't smoked and is like, hello, young man, good to see you all again. why are you talking like that, snoop? shit, coz... >> coming to you from the heart of times square in new york city, the only city in america, "the daily show" tonight, the war on books. "black athletes conquer the gold. and hasan minhaj. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: hi, i'm trevor
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noah. let's jump straight into the headlines. we kick things off with russia's potential invasion of ukraine, which at this moment in time is a little like a package sent via the post office. it could either come tomorrow or never. there's no way to know. the biden administration says the invasion is all but certain and has warned all u.s. citizens to leave ukraine immediately, which i mean you think would be obvious at this point, you know, but you've got to admit there's always that one person who needs the danger spelled out for them. it's dangerous, can't you see? it's like the people in horror movies, honey, there's an evil clown at the door selling knives, i'm going to let him in, see what happens. over the last couple of days there have been promising signs of deescalation. for instance, russia said that it would continue negotiations and it claimed that it had pulled some of its troops away from the border. all right? that's a really good thing. and there's no way to know why
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this is happening but i will say i probably put some of my money on this. >> just across from russia in the city of, families are train, learning first aid and weapons training on a 726 caliber ak-47 is valentina. this 79-year-old is a retired accountant and a great grandmother. >> i'm ready to shoot if something happens. i will defend my home, my city, my children. >> trevor: wow. i've never seen someone who looks so adorable sound so threatening. when this shit goes down, he'll head shot a bitch from 300 yards. some lemon in your tea? this woman is a bad as, though. actually, if you ask me, i think this is a brilliant deterrent to have grannies on the front line. think about it. right. if you're part of the elite russian invasion squad, there's no way in hell you want to get
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taken down by a 79-year-old woman. if that happens, they're probably going to have to make something up to tell your family. i'm sorry to tell you your son was killed by very strong men, definitely not old woman who learned to use a gun four days ago. before you get attached to granny, the team training her are far right neo nationalists with neo-nazi tendencies. everything you love will eventually disappoint you. moving on, while russia is threatening to violate ukraine's sovereignty, they're already violating the rules of the olympics and it's causing a huge controversy in the world of figure skating. >> with the world watching her every move, this morning, 15-year-old russian figure skater kamila valieva is set to take to the ice despite testing positive for an illegal performance enhancing stance before the games. a positive drug test is going to be on the ice here in a few
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hours skating at the olympic games. i cannot believe i said the sentence. said valieva claims a mixup with her grandfather's heart medication. she can still compete while they investigate further. they say if she lands in the top three no medals will be handed out fill the investigation is complete. >> trevor: i can't believe she is caught cheating and then gets to continue. it's almost like the real investigation is let's see what the drugs can do. let her rip. let's see. everybody wants to know. i also knows nobody believes her excuse that she dentally took her grandfather's heart medication, but i do. i believe here. because i know what it was like growing up me and my family, we had a big bowl of loose pills mixed together. an easy my take to make. is this one yours? i don't know. i know my estrogen changed
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granted ma but who know. everyone is obsessed with pills. this 15-year-old took the pills and -- no one is focusing on the fact that her grandpa took her medication, now he's dominating bingo at the old folks home. i always pictured performance enhancing drugs and steroids as things you need power for, extreme power, sprinting, lifting. i never thought i would see a day when a figure skater would be injecting themselves. let's go! aaahhh! a lot of people have been asking why is this that this russian skater is still being allowed to compete in the olympics when sha'carri richardson was kicked out of the olympics when she smoked weed. apparently the reason is one difference is if you're a minor in sports and you get caught doping they give you more leeway because you're young and impressionable and may not be in control of what you're putting
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into your body. yeah, i didn't know that. that's a pretty big loophole in the anti-doping rules. i didn't say russia had this minor stake steroids because she wouldn't get in trouble but slick move. same reason drug dealers put kids on the corner. worst you get the juvy. come on man. i'm not saying russia did it on purpose. i'm just saying don't be shocked when they use 15-year-olds to invade ukraine. jumping into our main story, and this story is about america's favorite pasttime, the culture wars. oooh! they're back, baby. every few months especially before elections, politicians in this country have to find a reason to rile people up so they can drum up support and distract voters from the fact that they haven't solved any of their real problems. yeah, i know the bridges keep collapsing and i know you don't have jobs but we've got to focus on the real threat, people are using the wrong bathrooms!
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vote for me, and what always happens is the same, the problems pop up and then after the elections, everything is magically not a problem anymore. remember kneeling during the anthem? huge problem before the election. huge. then after the election, suddenly it's over. even eminem can do it. the war on christmas, every year, huge problem, huge! then the elections and then suddenly we can say merry christmas again. remember when mr. potatohead lost his penis? it's a problem. it's not society. then election came and he's got a huge hog, biggest thing you've seen. hits kids in the eye! mr. potatoheaded is back. now an election. and it's time to find out what the new election is about, in a new installment of culture wars, moral combat. so the new culture war raging
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across america is over books, aka movies without the cool sound effects. i always think the movies are better. read a book, i've got to do it myself, pew, pew, pew, pew said harry potter. though most kids only read to hide erections, passports and politicians are suddenly very concerned about which books is available in schools and they're dealing with the problem they invented in a time-honored way with a good old fashioned book ban. >> according to the "new york times" the pace at which groups of parents and officials and lawmakers are challenging books in libraries reached a speed many haven't seen in decades. >> just since the start of the school year the american library association tracked more than 230 book challenges nationwide. >> parents and school officials banning books at an unprecedented rate. record requests nearly 100 texas districts found in the first
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four months of this school year at least 75 complaints compared to one last year. >> a virginia school is pulling library books off the shelves and some board members say they want to burn them. >> i want to look at a copy of every book that is brought -- pulled out of circulation. i'm sure we've got hundreds of people out there that would like to see those books before we burn 'em. >> trevor: they want to burn books? burn books? we're not in the 1900s. we're living in 2022. we shouldn't be burning books. we have air fryers and microwaves and all kinds of cool shit now. we could be fileting the books, lightly roasting the books, put some butter and salt. taste that book now? mmm! food for thought. see what i did there? that's the situation. parents across the country are trying to get books banned from certain schools. if i was a kid at a school i
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would jump in and use this outrage to my advantage. the parents would be there and, like, we have to get these books off the shelves! don't forget the triganometry textbooks and the book where i had the weird rash on my face! burn 'em all! honestly, i don't know in the culture warriors thought it through because making something forbidden makes teenagers wants it more. im parents say something would make them mad, the kids would want to do it more. now they will be like no books for these kids! you keep this up and reading books will be the new dating a black guy. don't get me wrong, there have always been some parents that wanted books pulled from schools and libraries. conservatives wanted to ban party for witchcraft. liberals want to ban huckelberry fin for using the n-word.
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but recently the number of books targeted has gotten out of control and the types of book being targeted now are very revealing. >> books on race, gender and sexuality are disappearing from school shelves. >> books about coming of age and reckoning with real world problems like depression, gender politics and racial injustice, history like the holocaust or slavery. >> one banning "maus," a novel about the holocaust. >> one tells the story of school segregation through the eyes of mexican-american students. one about the march on washington and one at civil rights icon bridgey. >> one argued to remove a book by michelle obama saying it promotes reverse racism. >> trevor: i can't believe they want to ban a michelle obama biography. it's a biography. that totally gives away the game this is more about jenning up the culture war than protecting kids because once you're banning a book about any first lady
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that's political, i don't care what anybody says. no book about a first lady that's controversial, unless it's martha jefferson's book, 101 tips for owning slave children who kind of look like my husband. that's a little edgy for the kids, but otherwise pretty chill. you can see how crazy this book banning trend has gotten. they're banning books about race, gender, sexuality, emotions, history. guys, that's all books. think about it, you take away all those books and what will you be left with? a how-to book about making pottery? wrong! that vase is too sexy. i can't believe they will ban ruby bridges. do you understand how crazy that is? you're going to ban a book about ruby bridges. the poor girl kneeled the national guard to get her into school, now the national guard will escort her out. i'm not saying schools should not be able to curate what books they carry. i'm exactly not saying that.
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you are saying it i'm not saying that! libraries have decided which books are in and not. you can't have a playboy in the school library. i did it. they didn't stock it for me, they just gave me the space to read it. i guarantee you the vast majority of schools don't even have the most outrageous books on the list. what's happening is people are finding the most scary parts to have the most scary books and making a bad faith argument kids are being bomb bombarded with af the stuff. so all to have the books have to go. and that happens even if you try and talk about books. if i say books shouldn't be banned, i know someone's going to pull out some most extreme example from a random library at school and say, okay, trevor, you're okay with kids reading this? i don't know, maybe i'm not, but now we're arguings about one page in a book as if that's the story when the actual story is people are using the books as an excuse to go after all the books they don't like.
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people, this isn't about books. this is about keeping the culture war going for political benefit. you don't just have republicans in dozens of states around the country suddenly realizing all at the same time that there are books that they want to ban in their libraries all at the same time. come on. it's happening because they think it's a winning issue or at least they think it's more of a winning issue than trump is secretly still the president. but i am. shut up! you're going to make us lose! and the problem with waging a culture war instead of debating a political issue is that when people are fighting a war, they don't want to just win an argument, no, they want to punish the enemy. >> in wyoming, a county prosecutor's office considered charges against library employees for stocking books like sex is a funny word and this book is gay. in oklahoma a bill sets a $10,000 bounty to be collected by parents for each day a challenged book remains on library shelves. >> texas governor greg abbott called for criminal charges
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against staff that provide kids with pornographic books. >> school librarians fearing for their own safety now over books. >> many of us have had to take measures in our personal lives that we never would have imagined we had to do because of our profession. >> trevor: wow, are you seeing this? you seeing this? like this is the interview and inside it gives when they're ratting out el chapo. not when they've exposed the magical friendship between a pig and a spider. think about how insane things have gotten where school librarians feel scared for their safety. they've got crazy parents coming after them on top of all the other stuff they have to worry about on a daily basis -- school shootings, chord, the students finding out they made up the dewey decimal system to make them sound like they're smarter than everybody else. is dr. seuss under sle?
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no, in 75 p/7545, you idiot! once you offer a $10,000 bounty, think about what you're doing there. now you're using money to try and stop shit. of course, people are going to start combing the shelves for anything that might pay out. 10-grand is a lot of money. 10-grand for banning a book is more than most authors made for writing the book. that's the culture war that's tearing america apart, happening in schools. who knows if it will stop there. maybe it starts in schools but pretty soon anyplace kids go to to find books could become a target. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ >> hey, y'all, levar burton here and i am so excited to read with you today. our first selection is called rosa. and it's the story of rosa parks, who -- so, as it turns out, that book is banned because
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reading about segregation is divisive. but since almost any book with black people these days is considered divisive, here's one that doesn't have any people in it at all. it's about two penguins and their little baby. both penguins are boys. well, i'm told that that book is also banned because of sexual perversion, which is weird because there's no sex in the book at all. y'all, they adopted the baby. what do you guys want? a mommy and a daddy penguin so the kids can make sure the penguins are knocking boots? all right. i've got one they can't possibly have a problem with. hop on pop. what? disrespectful to parents? you've got to be kidding me! all right, there are plenty of books to choose from. but you know what? no. read the books they don't want
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you to. that's where the good stuff is. ( siren ) oh, shit, they're coming. read banned books! >> trevor: whoo! stay safe, levar. all right, when we come back, roy wood, jr. looks at the winter olympians you forget about. you don't want to miss i just love having to check-in online, and having to do it again on the mobile app. and having to do it again in-person. are there any other ways that i have to check-in? no. but we're working on it.
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welcome to "c.p. time," the only show that's for the culture. today, we'll be discussing the history of black winter olympians. i know when you think of winter olympians you think of bjorn, bjorn, and many other names that sound like ikea tables, but not all winter olympians look like they walked off hitler's vision board. take debby taints. the first black athlegal to win a medal at the olympics. she had to overcome life changing challenges that would break the most of us, racism, sexism and the cold. but debby's per assistants got her to the '88 olympics where she faced off against east germany caterina whit in the battle to have the carlens since they both skated to music from the opera carmen, which just makes sense. what other opera are you going to ice skate to?
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vitraviato? pbs folks know what i'm talking about. our next olympian is tovira obuka, a blind skier from uganda who in 1976 became the first athlete to compete in the paralympic games. 1976 is not that long ago. george jefferson was already in a deluxe apartment in the sky, cool had already met the gang, and bernie sanders was a jung 97. still, kabuka won five medals and scaled kilimanjaro. to cap it off in 1986, kabuka became the first black flag bearer of noshway. where he resides today. hope he doesn't redwayne his tight and realize he's the only brother in the country. sometimes you chase the dream
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and sometimes the dream claims you. that's what happened to matilda representing cross country skiing in 2018. matilda never thought about skiing in the olympics until her country reached out to her on facebook. that there is a d.m. only facebook messages i get are from russian robot booty. how i met my fiancé tatiana 696969. love you baby. sending my routing number shortly and hoping my credit cards can get you those plane tickets to america. see you soon. but perhaps the most famous black winter olympians are the 1988 bobsled team from jamaica. they made no sense. bobsledding requires ice, sleds and intense concentration for up to four minutes, none of which jamaicans were thought to have. but in 1987, jamaica recruited a ragtag team of bobsledders bobss
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including the 22-year-old devin harris, who at the time was serving in the jamaican army. i will be honest in telling you i did not know jamaica had an army. who the hell is mad at jamaica? friendly people. if you're mad at jay maka, the problem is you. devin harris and the rest of the team were so unfamiliar with the sport they didn't even know what bob sledding was. probably thought it was sledding on top of a guy named bob. but, of course, it hadn't been that way since 1942 when bob died. poor bastard. anyway, the jamaican team somehow qualified for the 1988 winter olympics in calgary, canada, after crashing their sled more times than bit coin. if that weren't crazy enough, the team recruited and trained a fourth member three days before the olympic event. that doesn't seem like a lot of
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training but two days is still more training than most police officers. on the third run at the olympic games, the jamaican team got into a horrible crash and they were disqualified, but they heroically walked to the finish line. it was a dramatic moment made famous in the 1993 movie cool runnings. the movie i auditioned for but ultimately didn't get the part because of my, quote, offensive jamaican accident. ( jamaican accent ) come on, now, grew up in kingston -- >> trevor: stop,. >> stop, stop, stop. that was a terrible accent, roy. >> who. >> me, man, devin harris from the original bobsled team. i hacked into your monitor to tell you to stop doing a jamaican accent. >> how did you hack into my monitor? >> because i believe in myself. and if you believe in yourself,
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you can do anything. well, except for you. you will never do a good jamaican accent. sounds like how fake dreadlocks look. >> does this mean i can't audition for cool runnings part two? >> there's not going to be a part two, and even if there was, let's face it, you don't exactly look like an olympic athlete. i would say you look like you're competing to be america's next steve harvey. so... >> excuse me. i thought jamaicans were supposed to be friendly. all the weed you smoke, love my ass. >> i heard that. >> i hope you did. that's all the time we have today. i'm roy wood, jr. and this has been "c.p. time." remember, we're for the culture. have you ever thought about using dogs? >> that's a different type of sled. >> no, i mean, as a teammate to help you push. have you ever seen air bud? >> trevor: thank you so much for that, roy. when we come back, i am so
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lay's. brings back so many good memories. hey, do you remember when that stalker kidnapped us? yes! lay's... - do you have barbecue? - or cheddar jalapeño? oh! those were good times. they were golden. ♪ ♪ those were good times. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian and he is a former "the daily show" correspondent. he goes by the name hasan minhaj. he's here to talk about his standup tour "the king's jester." what's going on, hasan. how you doing? >> what's going on, man. >> trevor: is this weird for you. >> it's upsetting. >> trevor: it's just different. >> this feeling, this vibe feels
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very red table talk right now. you know what i mean? >> trevor: let's talk about your relationship? >> how my wife>> trevor: it's so watch people get good things in life. you were there at the beginning of my "the daily show." we went through the trenches together where people were, like, it's terrible, never last, these people are horrible, not funny, we felt it all, road through it together. >> and to your credit you didn't fire me and i really needed health insurance at the time. ( laughter ) i was, like, this dude from south africa is here, heads are about to roll. i just got married. i was, like, bro, don't do this to me. >> trevor: and look at you know. forgive me if i miss a thing. patriot act. >> yes. >> trevor: multiple award winning show, six seasons on netflix. then you leave it to do
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completely different things. we see you in everything from, like, ads to shows that are huge, the morning show season two. >> yeah. >> trevor: reese witherspoon, am i -- you're not just doing tv, you're on tour again. >> yes. >> trevor: you put out home coming king. >> yes. >> trevor: easily like one of the most innovative shows anyone had ever seen. your new tour now, same thing. >> same sort of thing where i've always liked it, the lighting design, stage design, graphics, i feel like my brain works that way visually so i always loved shows like that. when you go to turkey or actually watch theater you see all those elements. do you see what i'm saying? when you see a show on broadway or in the u.k., you will see act breaks and changes of color. >> you see it as a production. >> totally. i always loved the experience of going to see theodore and music that way and thought why can't
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comedy be like that. >> trevor: you have these visual elements? >> yes. >> trevor: i don't want to give away big parts to have the show but i know you have a joke about infertility, yours in particular. >> yes. >> trevor: i thought, wow, hasan, brave. are there visual aid that go with that? >> no, didn't show a vie gram. >> trevor: okay. >> but to me, what i love about comedy, in my favorite comedy is confessional. i'm going to tell you something i'm too afraid to tell other people. so actually the beginning to have the show goes back to some of the conversations we had early on. i remember my wife and i were trying to get pregnant while we were at "the daily show" and we couldn't and it was my fault and it wasn't telling anybody. you would say, hey, man, you look a little glum, you okay? you and your wife okay? you're like indian barbie and ken. and i'm like, i know, like ken, i'm infertile.
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my gent also don't work. it's a thing you carry. it's not usually talked about for most men. >> trevor: yes. >> i start the show that way. fertility, fatherhood, preach, all the things i have been going through the past four years. >> trevor: don't even explain it, i love it fertility, fatherhood, free speech. of course, these things go together. you're a father of two now. >> four and two, yeah. >> trevor: you enjoying it? ( hesitates ) >> yes, yes. this is going to be public record and i just want my children to know it's been a thrill of a lifetime and it's a true honor and privilege being their father. >> trevor: are your kids starting to show you a bit of your funny back to you. >> yeah, they're really funny. my daughter is, like, really really funny. she knows how to needle my wife and i, yeah. like the other day she was getting into it with dina and she knows, like, look, when expheed yans make fun of each
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other, we'll go, i don't like that jacket or your hair. but she was arguing with bina and she knew i'm not going to mess with announce, i'm going to go with antives. i'm going to your soul. she says, mommy, don't tell me what to do, you're fake. bina was, like, wow. you should just make fun to have the way she looks, don't talk about the content of her character. but she nailed it, she's, like, you're fake. i said don't be mean to mommy. she goes you're projecting. what's going on? i want everyone to know, it was so cool of you, you also were one of the first people that give me my first test drive at fame. you were my met gala date and you said, hey, man, you're being awkward and weird you need to enjoy this.
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>> trevor: did i say that? >> yes, because you could see it in my eyes. >> trevor: i thought i said uncomfortable. >> you said it in a very kind way. i read the tub text. you go, hey, listen, man, and this was a really profound quote, you say, listen, if you see anybody you respect or admire, you should take a selfie with them tonight. you should treat fame like a rental car, take a spin around the block that way when they take the car back you won't feel like they're taking a piece of you. we saw nicki minaj and i was too nervous to say anything and you said nicky, turn around, and she turned and, you go, look, it's your cousin! take a photo with your cousin! and she was like, what? ( laughter ) no! and then she just walked off with her umbrella. >> and i'm so glad she said no because i would have been that
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cousin that had the swollen testicles is the reason why she didn't get the vaccine. the getty images would be, like, swollen testicle minhaj is the reason nicki didn't get the vaccine. >> trevor: radio city music hall five shows? >> five. >> trevor: congratulations. >> thank you, man. >> trevor: i remember when you would be stressed about a show. >> yes. >> trevor: is it going to sell out, do this, what do you think, and look at you now. >> yeah, man. >> trevor: for real, man, you're one of the funniest people, most insightful people. just how you've lived, enjoyed, done your thing. i do have to, like, relearn your name which is weird. i'm not going to lie because it's, like, now i feel like i'm in your family which i think you understand. >> yes. >> trevor: because, like, all my indian friends have the way everyone says their name and they say their name and how their family says their name.
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the first time you will mary it will be like with a dad. it will be, me, hasan and they will be, like, hasan! and you're, like, who's that? and i feel like i'm almost overstepping boundaries, hasan, am i trying to be his dad. >> no, for me it just came to this moment in my career in my life where all i really want to do is cloves the gap tween who i am on instagram and who i am on imessage. ( laughter ) now i'm imessage me. >> trevor: when do we get to whatsapp you? >> that's really wild. imessage is cool. that's what i want to show the world. >> trevor: dude, i appreciate it. i will be at the show. congrats my dude on everything, man. >> appreciate it. >> trevor: so much fun. don't forget, ticket for "the king's jester" are available on hasan minhaj.com.
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>> trevor: until tomorrow, stay safe, get your vaccine and remember, if you want to read michelle obama's biography in school, make sure you hide it inside a playboy. they'll never know. here it is your moment of zen. ( romantic music ) >> the feds are using a sneaky tactic to encourage people to give exes a valentine's day surprise. >> the bureau of alcohol tobacco and firearms posted valentine's day fun even if you broke up. >> valentine's day celebrate you and your partner but the a.t.f. is using the way to get revenge on an ex or current partner by reporting illegal gun or drug
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use. [♪♪] george: ♪ ba-da, ba-da-ba ♪ hey, georgie's movin' out! -get out. -i'm out. fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh? i ca-- i can't wait for you to see. -is it better than mine? -oh, yeah. so it's a two-bedroom, one-bath make-your-friends-hate-you. you know what? it's better than elaine's too. -i gotta give her a call. -she's out. oh, right, the blind date. yeah, well, they like to call it a setup now. i guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers. aw, come on, come check out my new place. -take you two minutes. -i can't. i'm meetin' kramer down at my mini storage. you got any extra furniture down there? i need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with a walk-in closet. oh, this is really annoying. [laughs] it's workin' already! [♪♪] [kramer coughing] -what is with that? -[coughs] well, it's coughing, jerry.
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it expels the diseased germs out of the body into the air. -where is your key? -yeah, well, uh... newman, he's, uh, got it. you know, kramer, i rented out half of my space to you. yeah, and i rented out half that space to newman. [coughing] mailbags? he's storing mail in here? evidently. [♪♪] so, you're recalibrating and reconnecting to the environment.
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