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[♪♪] hey, that's my bike. [ringing bell] gangway! this is my bike. oh, no. no, no, no. i bought it from kramer. he was hard up for cash. fifty bucks. can you believe it? of course, i had to make some minor modifications. you know, solid tires, reinforced seat post, heavy-duty shocks. but, baby, this is one sweet ride. no, you gotta give me back that bike. newman, give it. elaine! elaine! okay! help me! help! help! help! [♪♪] comedy central >> trevor: elon musk sent out a message saying to vladimir putin he would fight him mano amano to determine like what happens in ukraine. he's like no war. just me versus you. which i think we should actually go back to.

i think we need to stop these war, senld your best fighter and sort this thing out. however, i will say this, if i am putting my life in somebody's hands i'm not choosing he elon musk, if i want to chas a billionaire, i'm going bezos first, like buff bezos, like the guy now where tk loos like he puts his money in his muscle, that bezos. but elon musk, yeah, also crazy that he just offered this himself. i will fight you for the future of ukraine. ukraine is like i'm sorry, come again. >> coming to you from the heart of time square in new york stirks the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight brady is back. putin bans instagram. and evan rachel wood. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: hey, what is going on, everybody, welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah and joining me for today's headline is the one and only michel kosta, how are you doing, kosta.

>> i'm tired. i woke up at 34 o block but it was really 8:15, i woke up at k8 15 but it was actually-- am i-- you get confused by it. >> with the time thing? >> was i early today or was i late? >> you know what, i don't know because in south africa we don't do that so i don't even know, i don't even know it happens sometimes because everything changes automatically except my microwave. >> so the clock, they go the other direction s that right? because i get all screwed up here because st light outside, or is it dark. i think you should go on with the show but daylight saving thing really messes me up. >> trevor: that is why you are here, my friend. to add a much needed perspective. let's jump straight into today's headlines. we begin with major news from the world of sports involving tom brady. seven time super bowl champion and the guy who taught gronk how to read. six weeks ago brady retired from professional football which was a huge deal.

because brady is arguably the greatest quarterback of all time, okay. he played for 22 seasons and he's been going to super bowls for so long his first halftime show was a bunch of gregorian monks chanting. so yeah, it was big news when tom brady retired. you know what is even bigger news than retiring? unretiring. >> let's move to a headline everybody is talk beings this morning. a surprise twist in the retirement of tom brady. >> turns out it wasn't much of a retirement after all. the nfl great announcing is he going to be back with his tampa bay buccaneers for the 2022 season citing quote unfinished business. >> nis in his announcement on social media he said this. these past two months i realize my place is still on the field and not in the stands, that time will come but it's not now. >> trevor: yes, tom brady is back in the nfl. i love this so much. i love it so much! because he is the most loved and the most healthed athlete in the game. i love this guy, he is the main character with in what is the

nfl without tom brady. him leaving the nfl is like when charlie sheen left two and a half men, yeah there were still two and a half men but which men, not men we cared about. where is the cocaine, step it up, little kid. and i get why brady is back. first of all, you have seen the price of gas right now, this is not the time to quit your job. also some people are just not made for the retired life, especially tom brady. think about it. for 22 years he's had men the size of little trucks trying to tackle. that is adrenaline. you can imagine how boring his home life is right now? even hiring his own commentators probably didn't help. >> oh, tom brady searching under the sink for the soap refill, he can find it? else's got it. tom brady's got the soap! he needs to go back to football. so of course tom brady wasn't going to retire, man, he's the goat. his grip on the nfl is tighter than whoever braided drake's hair, you want to talk about a goat, that person is a goat how did you turn drake's short hair into braids thrarks is witchcraft, that is how. so this move tom brady has

officially officially officially confirmed himself as the greatest of all time. because you see this move right here is what all the greatest do. they retire, and then they come right back, yeah, michael jordan did it. jay-z did it and the greatest of all time, jesus. yeah, that guy retired from life for three days before he was like gnaw, the game needs me. you know what my favorite part of this story actually s is the night before brady unretired there was an auction for the football that brady used to throw his final touchdown pass. and someone paid more than half a million dollars for that ball. yeah. if you ask me, i mean this actually just makes the football cooler, you know, because if i was at somebody's house and they were like yo, waw want to see the football from tom bradya last touch down throw, maybe, not really but if they said want to see one of the worst purchases ever, i would be like hell, yeah, yait, wait, you that

dumb ass, oh man, oh, kosta wa, do you think about this story, man? look, i mean, it seems to me like tom brady's acting like someone who has been hit in the head every day for the past 30 years, you know what i mean. i feel bad for his kids. you know, they finally get dad back in the house. and after a month he's like, i'll do anything, you know, i will do anything to get back to work. i think what he realized, trevor is when you retire, you see and hear how much people really love and admire you. and maybe that was something that, that compelled them to return. and you know, you don't realize how much you are missed until are you gone. >> trevor: that's true, that is interesting. >> and i think i'm going to steal a chapter from tom brady's book. and i want to announce to you tonight and to the crew here that i am retiring from "the daily show," okay.

and now like tom brady, i will be paying attention to what you are saying about me once i'm gone. but i am retiring, okay. this is my last performance on "the daily show." and thank you and feel free to share with others how you feel about me, and you know, thanks a lot, so thank you everybody. thank you, guys, thanks, thaks, trevor, i'm retiring, this is it. i'm gone now, i'm retiring from the show. not listening but i am paying attention to what you are saying. >> trevor: all right, let's move on. from the greatest quarterback of all time to the greatest disease of all time. covid-19. the virus that goes way then comes back more times than an evil twin on a soap opera. more than two years into the pandemic several countries in asia and europe are now facing record infection rates. and things have gotten especially bad in china. where the government has just imposed lockdowns on 51 million

people. and for those watching from the united states, this is a real lockdown, right, where you can't leave your house, not an american lockdown where everything is open, but there are stickers on the floor that everyone ignores. and in most countries, including the u.s., things are going in the other direction. in fact, restrictions are being lifted so quickly, that things are getting a little confusing, you know. like for example, okay, right here in new york city, mayor eric adams lifted the rule that you have to be vaccinated to attend indoor events, that is gone. but there is still a rule that you have to be vaccinated to go to your workplace. so if someone's job is at an indoor event, they can't go to work. but they can show up to work to watch their colleagues do their thing. yeah. which is exactly what happened this weekend. >> a big matchup as barclays center with the nets taking on the knicks but kyrie irving who is ineligible to play in the city for fail totion comply with the vaccine mandate for city workers, he might have stolen

the show. he attended the game as a fan and watched his netting win from the sidelines. he paid for a ticket just like a regular person. >> trevor: yeah, guise, i don't care, like how covid compliant you are, shit like this makes zero sense, can we agree on this? so kyrie can go inside, not wear a mask, even hug a teammate but he can not play. i don't get it, why. does the ball have a weak immune system, what is going on. i mean it's crazy, just think about it, kyrie can't play but he can sit in the stands, right, like a fan. and then as a fan, what happens if he gets picked to take the half-court shot to win the car. can he do that? what are those rules, how does it work? you know the funny thing about kie ree being in the stands is that this is the one time a fan is screaming at the team that he could play better than them and he actually could. they probably looked over like who is saying that-- oh yeah, my bad. i actually wonder if kyrie is the only person that happened to. are there other people who can't work because of vaccine mandates

but then they still show up to the office to cheer on their coworkers. >> you're killing it, steve. you're killing it. send that report, baby. you got this. you got-- oh shit did you just click reply all, oh, man, you're so screwed, boo, take him off. take him off! all right, let's move on to some entertainment news. award season is now in full swing. and every event brings so much to look forward to. who's going to take home the big prize. who's going to win the red carpet. will this finally be the year they use in edm song for the in memorium. all these people died, died, died, died, die die die die. ♪ died. they're all dead. ♪ now i see why they don't do that. now of course there is always the question of who's going to give the most viral speech at an a wart show and today that award goes to the director jane campion. >> the critic choice awards last night, the netflix film power of

the dog getting plenty of momentum heading too the oscars, walking away for best film director jane campion, taking home the best director award while on stage she made this comment about serena and venus williams that has people talking. >> give me love out to my fellow-- fellow, fellow-- the guys. nominated and serena and venus, are you such marvels, however you do not play against the guys. like have i to. >> trevor: okay. okay. i know, i know, i know a lot of people are angry about this. i know. but honestly, i can see, i can see both sides. can i see both sides. first of all, first of all, campion was obviously trying to make a point about how hard it

is for female directors to break through in hollywood which is true. right? i mean in her defense, name a female director. huh? see, you see, nothing, you were like stephen spielberg, please don't cancel me, trevor, too late! and that is what jane campion means t is a big deal when a woman breaks through in a category always dominated by men. and if you watch the clip you can see serena williams loved that moment. she was clapping hard. but venus, venus, well she looked like someone just told her how well-spoken her back hand is. now on the other hand, on the other hand, i get why a lot of people found this cringey, i understand it because it felt like a white woman on top of her game was tells two black women on top of their game that her game is harder than theirs. which can sound rude any time but especially in an award speech, where traditionally the only person are you supposed to offend is your spouse when you forget to thank them. and also, if i was campion i

wouldn't want to be challenging the william sisters to anything. because they are competitors. yeah, knowing them they will start learning to direct movies and go on to win next year's oscars in straight sets. and because of the backlash, because of the backlash jane campion apologized today because obviously she felt bad. she wasn't trying to hurt anybody. if i am honest, i don't sthi she meant anything nefarious, she was trying to tell a joke t landed weird. you almost wish someone could have intercepted her right before she said that line. you know, where is kayne when you tilely need him, tilely, don't answer that. all right, that is it it for the headlines but don't go away, because when we come back we're going to bring you all the latest from the war in ukraine. and spoiler alert, it's still bad. so don't. >> he guess i'm unretiring, so-- . >> trevor: oh. >> you-- i love to have my job back. >> trevor: well, but you were retired though. >> but i would like to unretire because i was retiring to hear what you had to say about me and you didn't-- it teamed like you just kind of skipped right past

that. so i would love it if i could have my job back, please. >> trevor: oh, damn, roy took your job. >> oh, roy took my job? but roy already has a job. >> trevor: and then he was like he could use another one. >> he got another job. >> trevor: cuz you were gone. >> i retired but i went like that, i just wanted to hear-- . >> trevor: i thought you had a thing in your eye, that is why you were retiring, your eyesight is going. >> i just wanted to hear you say some nice stuff about me, but it never happened. mi unretiring. >> i am sorry, my bad, i didn't know, nice things about michael kosta, what i love about michael kosta is that even though he is left the show, he doesn't begrudge anybody at the show and he leaves his security clearance behind and he doesn't make a scene of it. and he doesn't make anybody feel bad. >> i do appreciate all of that. i well do need the job, that was kind of a comedic-- . >> trevor: oh, shit so. >> can i work here or roy's fourth job but maybe-- . >> trevor: you know what, let's talk about t and then yeah, that was-- let's chat to

roy. >> let's chat to roy. >> trevor: we'll figure stg out, and even if we don't, we'll never forget

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thanks to a fierce ukrainian resistance russia has been frustrated by its inability to capture any major city so far. which is why more and more they decided to just bomb those cities from the sky. apartment complexes, hospitals, basically the less threatsening the building, the more russia wants to bomb it and that has lead to a fierce debate in the west. over how to respond. should nato send ukraine fighter jets. should nato enfrce a no fly zone over ukraine, so far the answers to both of those have been no. over fears that doing either would spark a direct conflict between nato and russia. but over the weekend, it was russia edging every one closer to direct conflict. >> a war that many fear could spill into other countries has taken a dangerous turn with russia firing on a ukrainian military base close to the polish border and nato alliance. >> the sky turned red, witnesses say when roughly 30 mushan

missiles struck the training base in western ukraine leaving this snolderring crater 35 people dead and an escalation of the war now only a few miles from poland, a key nato ally. the base was routinely used by u.s. and nato trainers over the years. >> its attack came a day after moscow warned it would try to destroy foreign shipments of weapons. to ukraine calling them quote legitimate targets. >> trevor: yeah, believe it or not for the first time russia bombed a military base very close to poland's border. just a few miles away. which definitely seems like a warning. i mean 15 miles is basically nothing according to my friend who can't stop telling me he is training for a marathon. i get t you run far, 15 miles is basically as close you can get to bomenting poland without actually liting it. which means this missile strike was basically russia going oh, i wish a nato would, and on top of that, russia is also warning that it's not going to just let the west keep sends weapons into

ukraine, it is going to start attacking those shipments. which is scary but i mean of course they want to stop those shipments from coming in. nato is sending ukraine its most sophisticated weapons. meanwhile russia is feeting with the equivalent of a flip phone. so if you are a ups guy and get the package that looks like this? you might want to watch yourself. now both of these developments are concerning. because like i said nobody wants world war three. we don't want it to start for any reason. i mean america hasn't even defeated all the nazis from the last world war. and like my mom always says, you can't have more until you finish what is on your plate. but while everyone is trying to keep the war were from stilling into the rest of the europe, task turns out it might already be spilling into china. >> we're learn this morning that russia has asked china for military support and other aid for this invasion thrarks is really concerning for the west and could be a real blow to these ukrainian forces if indeed

this happens. >> u.s. officials tell us it's true and the white house national security advisor jake sullivan is traveling to rome today to meet with chinese officials and he says he will warn them not to help vladimir putin. >> we are communicating directly, privately to beijing. we will not allow that to go forward and allow there to be a lifeline to russia from these economic sanctions from any country anywhere in the world. >> trevor: okay look, i can see why america doesn't want russia teaming up with china. that would be an unstoppable power couple but getting tough on russia is one thing. how does america plan to turn the screws on china? you better do what we say or we won't let you sell us literally everything we need to survive any more because we haven't made anything ourselves in 30 years. shit, i bet america would sacrificially or four states just to get new iphone, whether china decides to help russia or not, you've got to admit, this is embarrassing for

russia. think about t they are not even what, three weeks into this war? and they're already like china can you help us. we ran out of war stuff. when you were a kid at the arcade and you used up all your tokens trying to beat the first level of a video game. and you just got to walk around begging other people for their tokens. and when that fails, even the rest go around finger banging the other machines hoping somebody left a token behind, remember throws days, but the fallout is continuing to mount in his own border. seemingly every day russia becomes more isolated isolated from the rest of the world. they can't fly anywhere, he can thnt order off am a glor-- amazon. every day the russian people become more cut off from the truth about the war. all the independent media have been shut down. so the only thing that they have now is state tv. although told an antiwar message managed to slip on the air.

>> provocative and courageous move from an antiwar protester in russia, watch her bold and brave act during a prime time broadcast on russian state tv this evening. >> eye sign reads in russian quote no war, stop the war, do not believe propaganda. they tell you lies here, unquote. the last line of the sign read quote russians against war unquote. the program appeared to quickly cut away the video, at this hour if is unclear what happened to this woman after her onset protest. russia of course does not allow freedom of speech. >> trevor: wow. that is either an incredibly brave protester, or a very horrible cue card person. no, for real though, for real, that was actually an employee at that state tv channel which is brave. one of the bravest things i have ever seen. although knowing russia's

propaganda machine it will probably find a way to twist this whole thing. it will be like you saw the sign, no war there is no war, everything is normal, all good, this protest aside, it is almost impossible for russias to get information from the outside world now, even on the internet there is no facebook, no twitter in russia and now there is no cat photos. >> instagram has gone dark in russia. the country can shut down the social media platform at midnight. russian regulators gave people 48 hours to save all their photos and videos before the service ended. >> so there are all these influencers in russia with like 23 million something followers that are sobbing and very upset that they are losing all their followers. >> reality tv star olga buzzova spoas potioned this photo of her crying saying it is a big part of my heart and life is being taken away from me. >> you if thought being a ukrainian refugee was bad imagine having to pick up your life often sta gram, tragic, instagram shutting down in russia really does affect people's livers because

instagram is used in a lot of ways, yes, it makes influencers money, but it also gives small businesses the opportunity to promote themselves, let's people share important life updates with each other, let's creepy dudes tell women who are clearly porn bots that their ass is flame t does a lot of things. rucksly for russians going through intra gram withdrawal putin has come through again with a new app that i think is even better. >>com raads, are you sad that mother russia has been-- your instagram, do not worry or we put new jail. now do you not need instagram because russia has new photo app. insta blowed, new --a approved way to waste time on toilet. now you can show haters around the world your still living best life. does not matter if you can't fly anywhere and have no money. are you happy eating stew at home. and it has all the best filters so you can see what you look like if you had reason to smile.

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drive! >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight is actor and activist evan rachel wood. she is here to talk about her new documentary about surviving domestic violence entitled phoenix rising. >> he called me every time i picked up the phone and said he would kill himself, that th is when people said you need to get a restraining order. and i said absolutely not. absolutely not.

but that getting a restraining order seems crazy to me because it will only make him more mad, and i think a lot of women feel like that, that is why they don't get restraining orders, because you will with the beast. >> evan rachel wood, welcome to the daily show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: it is good to you have here to talk about a topic that i think is one of the more sensitive topics that we are discussing in society today but also one of the more pertinent topics that we are discussing in society today. and it's in and around the issue of abuse. you know, sexual abuse which as we learned from the me too movement is far more rampant than people want to admit or even some people realize. and you created a documentary here, let's start with the why, maybe. and not why the documentary but the timing of the documentary. so many people want to let go of pain in their life so many people want to move on. it feels like you've done the exact opposite. you've gone back into the pain, into the story. why and why now?

>> well, it is 16 years later. so i do get a lot of people commenting on how i am able to speak about things and put on a brave face and help how strong i am. but it took 16 years to get here. and the first thing that i did when i got out was try to get as far away as possible. try to forget it ever happened. you are running. you are trying to forget that it ever happened. and then of course it catches up with you. and i couldn't run from it. it started, the trauma started to seep into other areas of my life. so i threw myself in to therapy which i highly recommend if you have the resources, unfortunately in this country, mental health is not always at the top of the list. and it really i was planning on taking this to my grave. i really was, not planning on saying anything, ever. i was that afraid. and that afraid of retaliation. i did not feel safe and i felt very alone. i thought i was the only one.

you will hear that a lot from abuse survivors. when i first was asked to testify for the sexual assault in front of congress about my story, i really thought that was going to be it. i thought i'm going to tell my story and that's it. i am going to be done. and then women started popping up. and men online, that had early similar stories. but new details that i knew they weren't lying. they were very, very specific details, there is just no way you could know those things unless were you toe to toe with that person. so i knew it was real and that's when it changed. that is when i knew i couldn't stay quite. >> trevor: you know, when you say that person, i guess one of the reasons the story is as big as st, is not just because of what happened but who it involves. you named marilyn manson, in case of abuse, oftentimes we think of it as black or white, good and bad. >> yes. >> trevor: there are layers to people which make it complicated. and you have talked about his

history. you have talked about his history with abuse, you talked about his history with, you know, the issues that he deals with mentally, et cetera. >> uh-huh. >> trevor: i found that particularly interesting because i felt it cloudied the subject that is already quite complicated. and yet because of that, it deserves to be part of the conversation. why did you feel it necessary to say hey, this is the person who abused me. and this person also suffered abuse. and this person is also going through things. why do that knowing that it would then, you know, almost qulowd some people's judgment in like who is guilty or who is not or even who is accountable at some times. >> of course. and that, it can definitely get complicated in that way. because i do believe in accountability and healing and reform. and i think there is a time and a space for that. and i think you need to leave more space for accountability otherwise nobody is going to be accountable. but i just knew we are never going to get to the root of this problem if we don't go in to the

background. and the root and the cause because violence in the home is the root of so many issues in this country, in the world, it bleeds into almost every area of society and we don't even realize it. and violence begets violence it is a cycle. and there are people that can stop the cycle. and there are some people i feel like brian that don't want help. and he has had every opportunity, he has had so many people try. and he is refused it every time. and once there have been allegations and stories that have come out on the internet that involve minors. and you got to draw the line somewhere. and with children, i have to

draw the line there. and i don't believe that he will stop until he is stopped. and sometimes the greatest act of love is stopping that person from hurting himself or hurting nibbles. >> we in society often say, we go oh why didn't do you it seern. why didn't you come forward sooner. so i would love to know from you how time, how you think time affects the mental state, the relationship and the entire world of somebody who is experiencing sexual abuse. >> people underestimate the power of that kind of trauma and what it does to your body and to your brain. and there's so many studies to back this up. and this is what the laws do not reflect. is the effects of trauma on the brain. and a lot of people when-- when they think they know how they will respond to a situation like that, until are you in a life threatening association and are you doing risk assessment, and are you in survival mode and you

are going to have that fight, flight or freeze response, sometimes all three, you're just trying to survive that moment and get the least amount of damage, you know. and once you're out, again like i said, you, your body and your brain do back flips to protect you from the pain. and that is how denial comes into play. that's how addiction comes into play. bad coping mechanisms because are you just kind of buried because to face the reality is almost unbearable. i think on average it takes people seven to ten years to be able to process, understand, heal and be able to put things in chronological order. the laws, you know, in california, the statute of limitations is one to three years when we started advocating for the phoenix act and you know, one to three years is nothing to a survivor or somebody that is experiencing,

not just one incident of trauma, which is, you know, any act of trauma is terrible. but imagine 24/7 for four years, the damage that that would do on somebody's psyche and self-esteem. and with somebody like him who is very calculated in brain washing, in isolation, it very much operates like a cult in that when are you in it, you can't see the forest through the trees. up is down, down is up. you two against the world. and it is a secret that nobody will ever be awblght to understand and you feel like you are a part of something, you know. and you got to break free of that illusion. and it takes time. it takes time and work and therapy. i cannot stress that enough. but you know, again, i have those resources, i have a platform, have i privilege, so it really breaks my heart to think of people that don't have access to the things that have i had access to and how alone they must feel and that really is

what drives me. >> as i said at the beginning of the conversation, it's one of the hardest conversations to have i think because it makes us question a lot of what we have allowed in society. >> of course. >> who we are, who we were and who we hope to be. and thank you for joining us on the show. and i encourage everybody to watch the documentary and hear your side of the story. >> thank you so much. >> the two part hbo documentary phoenix rising airs march 159 and 16th on hbo. and can be streamed on hbo max. we're going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this.

>> that's our show for tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting step up, an organization that provides plen tors for young women to nurture their personal and professional growth so if you can support their work with after school and weekend mentorship programs then please donate at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember, if tom brady inspired to you quit your job, well, you better start begging your boss to take you back. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> it is one of those things, you know, law enforcement, they have to keep these people safe, and then you can see it right there, the suspect trying to get into somebody's property, still trying to hide. but doing a very, very poor job of it right there, lapd coming to a stop. come on guys, he's right there. >> the pilot today talking, trying to tell the officers that the suspect is right there. and again, you just saw that. oh my goodness, i just file so

bad for those officers making their way back now. it's the blue car, there we go. keep coming around, keep coming around, keep coming around, that suspect, there he goes. some of those officers must be getting that information, there you go. there you go. and now that suspect is going into custody. wow. wow. and-- they haven't seen him yet. this is unbelievable. there we go. >> oh my gosh. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( male ) since the last "south park", you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of eric cartman is. now finally, the shocking truth about cartman's lineage will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you the following special presentation. now get ready for canada's hottest action stars, terrance and phillip in the...