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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  May 12, 2022 11:00pm-11:47pm PDT

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[door closes] oh, um... jan wants you to call her. oh, how is gogo, my gram, she's wonderful. oh. oh, my gran is a dream, she is now 96 years old. (applause) yeah, 96. still one of the funniest people in my family. still has the best memory, better than mine, better than my moms. like we'll talk to her and she will have to remind us of thing, genuinely, i don't understand how her memory is as good as strks she is a docial and she is tiny, you know how st. and you know, the other day i
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popped home to see her, it was a surprise though. and she like said she had like a feeling, it was like a weird thing. cuz my mom didn't even know i was coming. i landed in south african-- africa, i said what are you doing tomorrow, she said why, oh, because i'm leer, she was like are you in south africa and i was like quai. >> she said your grandma is right. >> what do you mean. >> your gran kept saying i'm feeling trevor, i'm feeling trevor and my mom was like oh she's losing it. the day has arrived. this is it and then so then my mom was like, i won't tell her are you coming. it will be a surprise. and then i walked in and then my gran, this was so funny, because then i walked in. and then i was like hello gogo, she was like trevor. >> i was like hi. >> and she was like oh, i'm losing it. (applause) >> it was so funny. first things first. whenever you come into an african person's house you greet, so the first thing i will
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do is to greet. gogo, gog hello. >> how are you, go o go, can we come in, i've got some camera people, gogo. are we fine to come in. if you say no, it's fine, i don't mind. >> no, no, they can come in. okay, okay. >> gogo, i want to welcome you to my show. and i want to introduce you to some of my friends and my viewers. i brought them to south africa to show them what it is like. they said because i'm coming they want to meet you. how old are you now, 91, >> yeah, 91 and 9 months. >> trevor: 91. there say monday.
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i'm start following you on the 26th, until happy month february, then we celebrate our birthdays together. >> you are one of my grandchildren. every morning, morning, trevor. and he never answers. hanging out with my grandmother on "the daily show" was a freak thing that happened because my gran on the day, she didn't even think of its alike tv. she was just, i was in s ow eto for the global citizen festival and was like maybe we should go to my grandmother's house and the tv crew was like can we come with you, and i was like i will ask, and i asked my gran, hey, can the tv crew with me, they want to come in and then she was like what is that for. and she is like are these your friends. i was like yeah. >> oh yeah, your friends can come in. and then like they walked in.
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then my gran was like oh, your friends are white. (laughter) >> if you look at south africa now as a the-- 19 year old woman, you can feel the difference between being free and when were you not free? >> i feel it. >> what is the biggest difference for you. >> the biggest difference for me is to see mat inia when he said we are free, matiba. >> what was the first thing you remember about nelson mandela? >> he was just like because people had not seen a black man who was an attorney. >> we were not allowed. >> nothing, nursing, teacher,
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policeman for a black man, that's all. so, it was a wonder, even for old matiba. >> trevor: for young people, it's very hard for them to understand how scary it was to be a black person living in south africa during that time, but everybody was scared of the police. >> flying squads! each and every street is a flying squad. a knock at 3:00 a.m., the police-- we used to call them "blackjacks." just like that. >> trevor: "dress up, let's go." >> yeah. >> and they were so tall, all of them. >> trevor: when you see white guys like this, do they remind you of those police? >> yeah. >> trevor: that's what's-- what you remind my grandmother of. i hope you're happy, bringing memories of flying squad into my house. there are some people who say now, because some people don't have jobs and because it's tough in south africa, it would be better to go back to apartheid. >> no! no, thank you.
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it wouldn't be better. >> trevor: why not? >> oh, no, trevor. the laws of apartheid. >> trevor: mm-hmm. >> ( speaks in different language ) >> trevor: do you know what it's like to dig for potatoes with your hands? >> in the farms, no pay. and then, if one of these people working here dies-- ( speaks in different language )-- and you still plant potatoes on top of that someone. >> trevor: wow. if someone-- you're digging for potatoes with your hands, and if somebody dies from exhaustion next to you, you dig a hole, you put them in that hole, and then you carry on digging those potatoes. what was my contribution? how was i fighting apartheid? >> not knowing. >> trevor: not knowing? >> you were a kid. >> trevor: what? >> you were born a crime. how could you fight apartheid? >> trevor: but i told them i was an apartheid hero, gogo.
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i wasn't? you know i'm the manager of young people, gran, the white people work for me. sp some many of the sphrug els were imprisoned or exiled the movement was held together by large part by women in the country so st weird for me, i understand you travel the world and understand everywhere feminism is different but i grew in up in a world matriachal and women were the most dangerous freedom fighters that existed. it is true, read up on winnie mandela, like nelson mandela was an icon but the police in the country were afraid of winnie mandela. they were, and we had a phrase in south africa that was, and
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still use this today which is-- which means you strike a woman, you strike a rock. and that is what i i grew up learning. it was fire. anyone who says just work hard and thingses will work out, those people are forgetting a major component known as luck. a lot of people work hard and they are still broke. in fact a lot of the the time, the broker you r its harder you probably work. my grandmother worked ten times harder than me but i'm balling struggles around that woman, you hear that, gogo, you can't touch me, you can't touch me. and by the way, happy birthday, and by the way, happy birthday, go, g she just turn ♪ ♪ google pixel. the only phone made by google.
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four houses and that seems cooled compared to my cousins because in the vittages they had one tap which say mile away. so i would go to my cousins for the holidays, and then i would like, my cousin would wake me up at 5 a.m. i would be like what are you doing, he's like we have to get water. i'm like what, you get the wheelbarrow and it is fun on the way there, this is fun. you got your wheelbarrow, rolling and then you fill and forget to fill them up with water these giant, giant drums of water. and then you bring them back and are you like [bleep] like its whole time i don't need water. i don't need water. and then like one day i, because my cousin was shredded, every day was him lifting a barrel. but like 400 pounds on a wheelbarrow pushing that every single day. and then one day i remember can i do this. and i took it and i was like oh, oh, and all the water, gone, all it and i was like well, well, you shouldn't have let me take
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the wheelbarrow. quer's here at my grandmother's house. welcome to it. this is where i grew up. this walling was taller when i was younger. let's see if she is here. 7 so this is where i grew up. this was the driveway. we kick it off with the driveway. this is where we used to park our car, we didn't have any car bus we built driveways tblaws is what life is all about, ambitious. i'll show you some of the security features, we have what is known as an intruder defense mechanism sphm much glass, every one of thoos bottles i drank. this is where the magic happens. anybody can have a toilet inside the house but it takes a real baller to have a toilet outside
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the house. now if you guys will excuse me, i'm about to make some magic happen. and to be clear, your boy-- oh wait, there no toilet paper, hold on. that was i was a very good looking baby i'm sure. but mostly good looking. >> i'm sure, do you still remember when you were in school in town and, the whole school. >> i left my school bag behind. >> no you left your school bag-- at school. >> but gogo, the bag sheffee, you must leave the bag behind. >>s why? >> did you no he in india now they are now saying that kids munt get bags because it is making their bags ske-wed.
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so i was ahead of my time, gogo. i was in the future. >> my gran said oh, she said "oh, trevor is so naughty, so naughty, ooh." and my mom says, "yeah, you must beat him then." what do you mean, if he's naughty? "yeah, you must beat him. that's what he's for. you must hit him." and my grandam's like, "no, no, i can't hit him. i can't hit trevor, ooh. i can't hit him. with black children, i know how to hit them. i know i hit them, and i know what's going to happen. with trevor, i've seen when you hit him, he becomes blue and green and red and yellow." she says, "i don't know what's happening." she's like, "ooh, i don't want to kill a white child." my own grandmother afraid of administering discipline because she feared that she would be breaking the law in our house. she didn't want to hurt a white child. >> when you were with me here: "oh, trevor, you gave me tough
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time." >> trevor: why did i give you a tough time, gogo? >> because you wanted to play in the street, and i knew the flying squad was going to take you. >> trevor: so, if i was playing in the street, the police would have arrested me. >> yeah! you know there were kids who never knew what the white man was. >> trevor: so, they thought i was white. >> they knew you were white, and they ran away. >> trevor: the kids ran away from me? >> you! >> trevor: but why? >> it was the first time they see a white man in their location. >> trevor: so, for them, this was white. >> yeah. >> trevor: wow. i feel so special now, gogo, to know that there was a time that i was white. >> ( laughs ) >> trevor: ( laughs ) how old was i when this was happening, gogo? >> three years. >> trevor: three years old.
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when i was here, what did you do when i was naughty? >> those big bumps, they're not my slippers. who was nawtdier, me or my mom. >> she did what she wanted to do. >> you know how mom is. >> yeah, yeah. >> my and her and i, man, we have such a beautiful love and a bond for each other, you know, just have this thing. ever since she hit me. >> always full of life. come and catch me, and i didn't even feel t you know. you see? and then what do you do. and then what do you do. you must love.
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>> how's my grandmother doing, oh, she's fantastic man, 91 years old and 10 months. she makes me count the years and months as well. did she cook for me, no, she's too old. oh, no, no, she even says what do you do, oh me, she is like i just enjoy being alive and all she does s all she does is she chills at home, like her squad of grannies all just come and hang out, it is like a weird team of like superheroes where
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they've all got their specialties and then hers is that her memory is bulletproof so all her friends ask her about things they have forgotten about in life. but i'm like, she's got a better memory than me, my mom, everybody, she can tell you what year, what month, everything. her friends come over and offer random questions, she will be like where, where did i meet my husband. >> and then she'll be like oh, you met-- and then she'll tell stories t is amazing to watch, yeah, all she does all day, she loves writing, that is what she does. i asked her why, and she said to be 91, and know how to still read and write, oh i'm so blessed. >> that's all she does. yeah. my grandmother says it is the best, she says you know what, in life there are better flies and there are throw wers flowers. the butterfly is to fly around and tell the flower. are you a butterfly, your mother is a flower. >> you and your grandmother.
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>> she was great, really fun, she still doesn't get what we were doing. >> does she know what you do. >> no, no, but and you know what is great, she doesn't care, that is what i love. so my gran, trevor, that is why i like him. so i just don't want love to be determined by what i do and don't do in my work world. >> have i to be with my grandmother for "the daily show" and she does not know what i do, how i do t why i do t people tell her, when he had say we saw your grandson on "the daily show," she thinks somewhere. like they saw me some where. and she said my friend saw you at daily show. and i'm like on "the daily show." she's like whatever. >> have ever you watched "the daily show"? >> no, trevor. >> is my gran said she doesn't
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watch my show because sometimes electricity cuts out. which is a very plausible excuse and a nice way to let your grandson down. >> we have no electricity. >> trevor: no, i hear you, gogo. this-- i didn't expect that answer. it's a good answer, gogo. so, i must make sure you have a generator so you can watch my show. >> ( speaking different language ) wonderful. >> trevor: okay. >> ( speaking different language ) >> trevor: who fits the generator? okay, so i must get someone to fit the generator also. >> i think so. >> trevor: okay. >> ( speaking different language ) >> trevor: and then, i must also then fix the cable. okay. >> ( speaking different language ) >> trevor: i feel like i've been tricked into doing a lot of things for you to watch my tv show, gogo.
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so i can't convince you to come and see that i managed white people. >> no. >> i only take you as my grandson. >> i appreciate that, go go. >> thank you for having us, go go, and thank you for letting me bring these cameras. and thank you for sharing these stories with my friends. and thank you for being amazing. >> you brought too many friends. >> trevor: i brought too many friends, gogo. you guys must leave now. ccw bc.dot is a word template is plank you must grssments i still believe the bible story and i will tell you why, because my will tell you why, because my grandmother, might watch this why do nearly one million businesses choose stamps.com to mail and ship? no more trips to the post office no more paying full price for postage and great rates from usps and ups mail letters ship packages anytime anywhere for less
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>> and then this is my number one lady, this is my number one. >> my gran. >> i got my height from her. francis noah. >> how old are you. >> 82. >> 82 years old, she still works, she still catches all of those texts, she doesn't want to retire. >> this is my gran. 82 years old. >> 82 years old. >> you're still pie gran. >> yep, hiding. >> it is outside, i will show it to you. >> going to be fine.
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>> can't feel it though. >> are you sure. >> they can't. >> you would be surprised. >> and people are watching, there are so many people. >> so many people, do you know what, they might be-- trevor. >> i am going to remember which one. >> i just remember hiding. >> in is the it, everything, and you have to make due and you live maybe two of you, three of you could live in here if family needed to. this is where. this is where it all was. >> so there were like eight of us, eight or nine of us. eight, nine, sometimes ten depending, i could sleep on the couch. we would sleep on the floor, on the couch and the floor. it was very normal that is what we did.
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>> i'm so happy. >> yeah, this is it. as small as it is, ten people living here, this was it. i think i might cry, wow. >> i won't cry because the cameras, yeah. wow,. >> because you can't find. >> you woke me up. receipts them see you with your grandson. >> with my grandson. >> i've got to be on this. >> it doesn't matter which side. are you on. >>
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we're gonna go play laser tag! - yeah, see ya! - hello! would you like to take a personality test? it's fun and it's free! - excuse me? - we're doing free personality tests today! - what do i have to do? - have you heard of scientology? it's all based on the book dianetics. a lot of really cool people are scientologists. like tom cruise, and john travolta! why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started! let's just find an empty rom here, lots of people getting free tests today! hey brian! - hey kelly, how's it going? - great, i want you to meet my new friend stan! - hey there, how are you? - fine. - brian's gonna give you your personality test, and then let you know some things about scientology! - good times, good times! - look, is this a religion? because my family is, like, catholic or something. - oh, that's not a problem at all! scientology is more of an alternative to psychology than a religion! - then how come that sign says "church of scientology"? - oh, that's just this thing-- what's the denver broncos' record now, six and two? - seven and two.
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- wow, that's great! all right, come on in and take a seat, we're gonna have some fun! all right, now i'm just gonna ask you a few questions. just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, all right? okay, number one - do you ever make remarks which you later regret? - uhhh... sure? - uh-huh. would you rather give orders than take them? - yeah. - do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it? okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you? - yes. - okay, stan, well, that's it... that's the end of the personality test. - so how'd i do? - well, i hate to tell you this, stan, but... you are one messed up kid. - huh? - yeah, i'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed. - i am? i didn't know that! - well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for scientology.
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i think it can really make you happy again. - what do i do? - it's very simple. we just need $240. - stanly, you haven't touched your food. what's the matter with you? - i'm totally depressed. - what-why? - i don't know. - well, how long have you been feeling this way? - i'm not sure! but i need $240. - $240.00? what'd you do, break something? - no, i found a self-help program that can cure me! - oh jesus, the answer is no, stanly. - but i'm completely miserable, and these people can help! - stanly, i didn't know you were miserable! - neither did i! - stanly, do you have any concept of money at all? money doesn't grow on trees you know! - don't you care that i'm depressed? what if i become suicidal or become an alcoholic like grandpa? - huh? - well if you really think your life is so bad, stan, why don't you take what you have out your bicycle savings? - well, but that's my money. - yeah, well, just like the rest of us you have to make choices with your money. you want a bike or do you want to not be depressed? - michelle!
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our friend stan wants to have auditing! - oh, good for you! you're gonna be so happy! - i hope so. - it's the beginning of a whole new life for you, stan! see ya afterwards! - great, so do you have the $240? - perfect, we're on our way! come on over here and i'll fill you in on how the church of scientology works. you see, stan, scientology was founded by a great man named l. ron hubbard. mr. hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called "body thetans". - really? - yes, and being the genius that he was mr. hubbard invented a way to get rid of the bad thetans. this is called an "e-meter". it's the main tool of scientology. you just grab hold of these handles, as i talk you through past experiences in your life. i'll be taking readings, here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels. - thetan levels... - come on in the auditing room, and i'll show you how it works! all these people are just like you, stan, auditing with e-meters to get rid of their negative emotions! all right, stan, i want you to just relax
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and take hold of the e-meter handles. - so this is going to make me happy? - just take a few deep breaths and i'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. - [deep breath] [humming & beeping] - huh, that's-- that's strange. - what? - something's... something's wrong. - brian, could you come over here a second? - yeah, oh, hey there, greg! - stan. - will you look at his thetan levels? - huh. well, get another e-meter, this one is obviously broken. sorry, about this greg. - and so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have audit counseling for a nominal fee. - well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay. - mike, i need to talk to you. - excuse me, sir, i'll be right back. are you all right? you're sweating! - take a look at this. - what is it? - the e-meter results from the little boy in room "d". - this... this can't be right. - we ran the test four times. we used four different e-meters!
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- fax these results to the head office in los angeles. the president has to see this right away. go, now! - the boy is from a small mountain town in colorado, sir. - sir, how can it be that a first-timer scores that kind of thetan level? he registered o-t-9! i'm only o-t-7 and i've been in the church all my life! - i have waited... 42 years for this day. - sir? - don't you all see what this means? there is only one person who ever registered o-t-9 in the history of our church! l. ron hubbard said he had lived past lives, that when he died his thetan would show itself again. our prophet has returned. - ah, stanly, take the garbage out before you go to bed. - i took out the garbage yesterday! - right now, stan! - arghgh!
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stupid dumb garbage. - there he is! [crowd cheering] - thank you for returning! - he's wonderful! he's wonderful! - stan, what the hell did you do? - i don't know! - hello, young man. i'm the head of scientology. it is... a great honor to meet you. - all right, what the hell is going on here? - we've been looking for your son for a long time, mr. marsh. he is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet. - what? - scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing in his second coming! - look, we don't want our son to join your group okay? - we're not asking him to join us. we're asking him to lead us.
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- oh my god it's john travolta! - is this where he lives? is this where l. ron hubbard is? oh-my-gahd! - yes, john travolta and tom cruise are big scientologists. do you believe me now? young man, i know you don't remember it, but your name was l. ron hubbard. you revealed a secret which began the whole church of scientology. - okay stan, it's late. go up to your room and get ready for bed. let mommy and daddy handle this. - jesus christ. - l. ron? l. ron! it really is you! oh, this is the greatest day of my life! - aw, dude, i need to go to bed. - don't you understand, l. ron? it's me, tom cruise. - yeah, i know who you are. - well haven't i done well, l. ron? haven't you enjoyed my acting? which film did you like best? - well, i mean, you're not-- you're not like as good as leonardo dicaprio, but you're okay, i guess. - what? - i mean, you're not gene hackman or that guy that played napoleon dynamite,
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hey what does this button do? no, don't! we're talking supersonic wi-fi. three times the bandwidth and the power to connect hundreds of devices at once. that's powerful. couldn't said it better myself. you just did. unbeatable internet from xfinity. made to do anything so you can do anything. whoa. ut of the closet. - we're still not exactly sure why tom cruise is in the closet, but i'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter r. kelly - ♪ well, i was just standing here ♪ ♪ and tom cruise locked himself in the closet ♪ ♪ and i ask myself why won't tom cruise ♪ ♪ just come out the closet ♪ ♪ but nobody has no answers ♪ ♪ and i so pull out my gun-- ♪ - aaaghgh! - ♪ tell me why tom cruise in the closet ♪ ♪ or else i am gonna shoot someone ♪ - please understand. we just want what is best for your son. the reincarnation of l. ron hubbard must be taken care of. he had many enemies.

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