i'm willing to start saying turkiye, but i refuse the use at this time willle dots over the u. this has nothing to do with turkey and everything with drawing a line on how many keyboards i have on my phone. i have my emoji, my .gif, my keyboard and a secret symbols, now another one so i can type a u with the dots that's staring at me? too much, turkiye! some of you are saying, trevor, you don't need another keyboard, just hold down the u key. too much erred. i'm trying to get my thumbs long and slender for the summer, baby. i'll say turkiye, and help me with the u and not u with the dots. i get why turkey is doing this, a country's name is its brand. no one wants a their name

associated with an animal no one likes, at least if it's named for a bird, it needs to be something with juice like spicey chicken sandwich. just because they got the union to agree, doesn't mean they will get called that. i tried to get everyone to call me trevalva. everyone laughed. it was a stupid name. unless you like it. no? travo olva is stupid. i thought i heard someone say it's cool. no? all right. i actually think this is a good idea. a lot of countries should be updating their names to make it modern. this is opportunity united states of america. let's be honest, it's more like the states that barely put up with each other of america.

( laughter ) every country, like greece makes it sound messy but it's not. hungary, what if they've eaten, hmm? yeah. niger, oh you need to change that name to be safe. ( laughter ) i bet you right now they're losing a ton of white people tourism because a lot of white people are too nervous to type that into expedia. it's like i'm heading to n-i-g -- you know what? i'm just going to go to paris. i don't want any trouble here. i'm just going to paris. ( applause ) but let's move on to other international news. while turkey is changing its name. russia spent the last three months trying to change ukraine's name to russia, jr. ukraine isn't the only country suffering from russia's invasion. what many people might not know is ukraine is one of the world's top producers of grain.

but as part of its invasion, russia is blocking ukraine's ports and intercepting the grain. so now the world is facing a grain shortage. which russia is taking advantage of. >> the u.s. has given out about 14 countries a heads-up about stolen ukrainian grain. u.s. officials say russia stole grain from ukraine and alerted these other countries, mainly in africa, that russia will probably sell it. policy experts say faced with starvation, most countries in the area likely won't hesitate to buy from russia. >> the director of one african think tank told the "new york times," "this is not a dilemma, africans don't care where they get their food from, and if someone is going to moralize about that, they are mistaken." >> trevor: okay, whoa, whoa, i get what you're saying but africans don't care where they get their food from, don't put it like that. yes, some parts of africa are suffering and can't afford to take the moral high ground

because they need food, but africans don't care where they need to get food from makes us sound like we're running around on the sidewalk grabbing brunches off people's plates. it's mine now, huh? ha ha! ( laughter ) by the way, in case you're wondering, africans are going to use the grain to make bread. these stories make it sound like africans will eat the grain right out of the sack -- ah, we love this! put the grain in my mouth! i know that's howe you picture it. you say we -- they say, we need grain, and you're, like, that's what they eat, grain. we cook! russia is also causing a food shortage in the rest of the world and sell the grain to make up for the shortage they're causing. can we take a moment to acknowledge how humiliating this is for russia? when they started,

president putin is our glorious army will conquer ukraine for the new russian empire. now it's, okay, plan b, we're just going to steal, now. plan b. (russian accent) ( applause ) you went from being all high and mighty and now the dude is on the corner, you want grain? i got grain. i also got the rolex, just the good stuff. you want grain? i got grain. ( applause ) let's move on from the war in ukraine to the war zone that is america. ever since the uvalde school shooting, congress has been working hard to craft sensible gulf measures that can be narrowly defeated at the last minute. but a lot of people are trying to make this time different. just today matthew mcconaughey, who's from uvalde, was hat the white house pushing for reforms. unfortunately, nobody expects a lot to change. that's where there is an upside to living in the states that barely put up with each other of

america, all right, and that is individual states can break off and pass their own gun laws, which is exactly what's happening right her here new yo. >> new york boll teared its already tough gun laws. governor hochul signed a package of gun bills, among them bans the sale of semi-automatic rifles to anybody under 21. new buyers are required to obtain a permit. body armor for civilians is outlawed and ammo for semi-automatic handguns shall be microstamped to make it seeshz to traves. the laws are celebrated in the bronx. >> it keeps happening. shots ring out, flags come down, and nothing ever changes -- except here in new york. >> trevor: wow. ( applause )

wow! this is so weird -- a mass shooting happened and politicians did something. ( laughter ) i didn't even know that that was possible. ( laughter ) yeah, it's like i showed up to mcdonald's and the mcflurry machine is working! ( laughter ) i don't know even know how to react. do i clap, tip? what's a good tip for passing gun laws, ten%? it's like when you are ready to argue with your partner and they apologize. you have a throat full of screams and there's nothing to do with it. you scream, thank you, i accept your apology, i love you, too! it's raising the age on semi-automatic rifles which seems it makes sense. instead of 21, i think it should be 21 and four days. because i don't want someone buying a gun the same night

they're slamming ten shots. spread it out. new york is also banning body armor and that makes sense. this is the first state in the country to do it, which is a great idea. they should also ban under armour while they're at it. it's not about the shootings. i'm tired of seeing people's nipples on the train. i get it. you work out. ( applause ) and i know -- i know some people are saying but wait, i'm not a shooter, i just want body armor for my protection. don't worry, you don't need body armor. if you're not doing anything nefarious, you don't need body armor. what i've learned from american movies is you need to keep precious family heirloom on your body. thank god, my mom's bible stopped the bullet. ah! oh, thank goodness, my grandpa's pocket watch saved me. oh! thank god i carry grandma's

cherished killedo with me all the time. saved my life once again. thank you, grandma! thank you so much! ( laughter ) i'm just going to let that soak in for a second. ( applause ) all right, finally, let's move on to a story about cnn, which stands for cable news -- ninjas? ( laughter ) cnn has been notorious for overhyping every story, like the zombie apocalypse -- breaking news! the midterm elections are now six months away! ( laughter ) and not surprisingly this approach backfires as viewers turn it out like the boy who cried wolf, or in this case the wolf who cried wolf. because of that cnn is making a big change. >> we start here with breaking news about breaking news involving cnn. the network has a new boz and he says cnn is now cutting back on

overhyping everything as "breaking news" so much that cnn added a breaking news guideline to its style book. so you will soon see a lot less breaking news banner at the bottom of the tv screen. >> trevor: cnn is cutting back on the overuse of breaking news and to celebrate it immediately put up a countdown clock to the moment it will officially reduce the amount of breaking news. very exciting. one thing at a time. ( applause ) look -- look, people, the truth is most stories aren't giant news in thataway. i'm glad they're doing this. great job, chris. only been, like, three breaking news stories of the past two decades. let's be honest, like 9/11, coronavirus and that time that guy put salt on his food but from up here. yeah, most people put the salt from, like, down here, but he did it from up here, yo! that do change the game. it's a technique, it's a whole thing! and now that cnn is acknowledging this, now that

they'ric acknowledging not everything is breaking news, maybe, just maybe all of cable news can acknowledge maybe news doesn't need to be 24 hours, maybe? it's not necessary. maybe you can wait to get all the facts and tell us the correct story at the end of the day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just me? possibly. i mean, think about it. think about it. think about it, honestly -- the first ten hours of any news story on cable news is just speculation. breaking news! we're hearing that a tiger has escaped from the zoo, and mauled ten people! it's a sad -- hold on. slight clarification. we're now hearing the tiger was in the mall, and the mall has ten people. everybody is alive and -- hold on. our sources on the ground are telling us, it's not a tiger, it's a panda! express! there is a panda express in the

mall. we're going to stay on top of this story for the next 24 hours, breaking news. ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing -- even when there is news, most of it isn't that exciting, right. it's just everyday stuff that's boring but important. the economy is up, the economy is down, the government is doing something, or more likely not doing something, you know. so this is good. and to lower expectations, cnn is actually replacing breaking news with the new graphic for stories that are just normal stuff, and we have an exclusive look at what that will be. ♪♪ ( sirens ) >> trevor: it's perfect. i think they did a great job. well done cnn. ( cheers and applause ) all right! that's it for the headlines. but before we go to a break, let's check in on the stock market with our finance expert

michael kosta, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> what's going on? more importantly, michael, what's happening in the market today? >> well, i am crushing the markets. i mean, i crush all markets, financial markets, whole foods market, where i actually had to get a second job. but i have a hot tip, i'm going to share it with you, i'm going to share a hot tip with you so we'll get into the markets. actually, before that, the story of the african nations buying the grain, you know. >> trevor: yeah. why do we put this responsibilities on them to know where their grain comes from? we don't even know where our food comes from. i've probably enjoyed multiple avocados from the sinaloa cartel, and i sleep fine at night. but i would say this so these african nations, don't love this grain too much, this is white people grain and you might develop a gluten intolerance. it won't kill you, but it will make you very annoying, right?

next thing you will be in tanzania doing yoga with gwinnett paltrow while a vagina candle is lit in the back. all right. ( applause ) and turkey, turkey, changes its name. i love this. i love this. it got me thinking, i feel like south africa should do this. i do. look, part of what's great about being a country in africa is you get to have this beautiful name -- uganda, senegal, namibi? what happened with south africa, you just went off the top of your head, trevor? you're from there. >> trevor: yeah, but i didn't name it. >> other people from south africa? >> trevor: yeah, there are like six of us. do you know what i mean? >> great, great. okay. all right. okay. okay. all right. great. let's get to the market. ( laughter ) so, this is volatile.

it's almost as volatile as a teenage michael kosta at a 3-11 concert. but when you step back, take a look at all of this. what do you see dominating? i see this green line dominating. it's the least volatile of everything here, which is why i advise you, be the green line, right? when you have your money, be the green line. second thing to think about, you see these squares right here? now i have spent a lot of time analyzing the dimensions, the feel, the size of each square, okay? now, these squares, they don't mean anything, okay? ( laughter ) last thing, you see all this red? typically, red is bad in finances, but michael kosta, financial expert, will tell you, when you have red, like a stoplight, stop, wait till it turns green. okay. so, in summary, all right, green lines, no squares, red turns green. boom. now, here's my hot tip -- invest

in turkey. boom. >> trevor: turkey the food or the country. >> well, this is the million-dollar question. okay? now, i gotta go to whole foods for a shift, steve in produce got covid. so... >> trevor: i don't know why you have -- >> back to you, trevor! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: michael kosta, everybody! don't go away. when we come back, roy wood, jr. will try to make friends with right-winning extremists, you don't want to miss it. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ the next sale is a digital treasure trove -

charming ellie's private data! what? lot number 1: her emails. the ones she's opened and read. drug store purchases. her recent transactions. do i hear 600? 620? 640? 660? 680? oh! ♪♪ ♪♪ what did she do when you told her? [plate shatters] [whisper: bubly] [can cracks] remember, that behind every broken plate, is one less chore you totally hate. bublé's right. [dishes shattering] bubly sparkling water come back. - i always come back. ♪ ♪ [ growling ] run! [ roar ] [ screaming ] everybody good? -no!

why do they always have to go bigger? call home. it's ransom time. minions! assemble! mini boss?

that can't be right. we're racing toward the extinction of our species. don't move. -don't move. everybody good? -no! ♪ ♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, politics is so polarized in this country that america needs a leader who can bring the two sides together. but instead, we'll have to settle for roy wood, jr., in the new segment we call disagree to disagree. >> america is too divided. republicans versus democrats, billionaires versus billions of the rest of us broke bastards, carnes versus everybody. that's why i'm reaching out to the other side to see if i can't find common ground with people i disagree with strongly.

for this story, i traveled to idaho -- or montana -- or wyoming -- somewhere with no black people -- to meet anti-government extremists and big-hat enthusiast emmett bundy and see if i can get him to disagree to disagree. >> doesn't matter if they call it republican or democrat, it is poison to liberty. ( applause ) >> you might remember bundy from a 2014 standoff with the government over grazing right. or from a standoff with the government at a nature preserve in 2016. >> am mon bundy who pointed guns at law enforcement in arizona is now doing it in oregon. >> trevor: or from his protest against state covid restrictions in idaho, this dude is in a lot of standoffs. and now a guy who spent two years in prison for fighting the federal government before getting out on a mistrial is running for governor of idaho!

>> as governor, i will keep idaho idaho. >> trevor: what the hell does that mean besides growing potatoes? i decided to talk to some of bundy's supporters. >> ahammon is a threat to the government in idaho. yobt need him to tell me how to act. >> bundy for less government. yes. our rights come from god. certain people are saying the buck has to stop somewhere. some. you're black and in idaho. how did that happen? >> i'm third generation. ammon bundy does what it takes for liberty like rosa parks on the bus. >> i had to meet with this white version of sister rosa. you have been called a militia leader, the t word -- >> domestic terrorist. how do you not come across as

an anti-government person who's now becoming part of the government? >> well, i want people to use the land as god intended and for the government to just leave them alone other than to protect them. >> you know like when you were a child, your daddy would be in your bids, come in your room, go through your toys. that's government now. what we really want is a step-daddy government that comes in and just goes, hey, don't kill each other, i'll be upoutside drinking. >> unless one of them tries to infringe on another person's right. >> clearly finding common ground would not be easy and sure enough, bundy and i disagreed on a range of issues from taxes -- >> i don't believe property tax is a moral tax. >> to the social safety net. never should i say, look, joe over here is needing help and i'm going to force you with a barrel of a gun to give me $150 so i can give it to joe. it's immoral. >> ( bleep ) you joe. and the definition of

slavery. >> pretty soon you end up with 30% of the people providing for the other 70%, that's all slavery. >> that's before we got to the king kong of issues today, covid. >> government will go as far as the people allow them to go, which is all the way to genocide. >> explain genocide. let's look at the 1930s. what was the nazi's claiming in what was their excuse? it was a national health emergency that the jews and the blacks, that their genes were inferior and, ultimately, decided they needed to even put them to death. >> there weren't, like, jews and blacks dying in droves before hitler came in and did what he did. he chose to start doing it, where at least with covid, there was, oh, there's a bunch of dead people, how do we stop this. people are dying. >> you are saying you believe what the government is saying. you believe the reports. because they're so honest and good, right. >> how do i get the information you got? >> you can get it.

because anytime people go, i've done the wrench, where? >> i can give it to you. do you want to go over it on my phone in? >> everybody says they've done the research but they haven't given me a www. >> i haven't asked bundy about his armed standoffs against the government. >> these accusations of me associating with violent groups, not ever have we done anything violent. >> you're like a gandy of the rocky mountains. >> i can't get down with armed occupations especially when they end in death and prison. seemed like finding common ground was too hard but then bundy surprised me. >> i was in prison for two years, federal prison. you've got the whites over here, the mexicans, native americans. >> everybody sticks with their own kind. >> i didn't feel that way. next thing i'm out playing basketball with black guys and no problem, right? the white guys might have a little bit of a problem with it

so i go back and talk to them and say, hey, look, i'm sorry, this is the way i roll. >> not a racist but we're playing basketball and i really want to win. >> now the guards and the prison gets all concerned because the way they can keep us in the prison is keep us divided and that's what's happening in society. >> as someone who also felt abused by the criminal justice, bundy was even supportive of a movement on the opposite side of the spectrum. >> you must have a problem in your mind if you think somehow that "black lives matter" is more dangerous than the police. >> what? this cowboy hatted beef sweating constitutionalists was siding with "black lives matter" and not the police? what i'm hearing is a brother who some of his views kind of line up with "black lives matter." >> well, i think they might line up with black people, and i think they might line up with white people, too. and i guarantee if i was to be able to communicate openly with

the majority of people in "black lives matter" that probably 95% of our beliefs would align with each other. >> i think that's some common ground. >> mmm... aybe america is headed toward civil war. but for the moment, two americans who vehemently disagree found a way to be civil. okay, it was a brief moment. >> we don't agree on everything, i just think it's okay and i just want to shake your hand. >> okay. and there's something else we agree on. i look damn good in a cowboy hat. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much for that, roy wood, jr. when we come back, we'll celebrate pried month with author eliot schrefer. you don't want to miss it. ( cheers and applause ) come back. -i always come back. ♪ ♪

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ thunderstruck ♪ ♪♪ ♪ thunderstruck yeah, yeah♪ now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.

baby, it's over. i mean, we both saw this coming... ♪ ♪ what a difference a day makes ♪ ♪ 24 little hours... ♪

# ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show."

my guest tonight is new york times bestselling author, eliot schrefer. he's here to talk about his new book,"queer ducks (and other animals)". please welcome eliot schrefer! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ >> trevor: welcome to the show, eliot. >> i am so happy to be here. >> trevor: i am so happy to have you. this is one to have the most fun books i've ever read about science, nature, animals, the human condition. let's jump straight into it. "queer ducks (and other animals)." this seems like a joke. the book is very funny, which is great, butyou're learning about a side of the animal kingdom many haven't talked about. why did you decide to write a book at queer ducks and other animals? >> fair enough. i was surprised by the topic, too. i come from a background of studying evolution and i always assumed that queer behavior was a sort of dead end for animals, that behaviors that wouldn't

cause their genes to propagate into their next generation wouldn't spread, yet nature did a study three years ago that put the number at 1500 species and counting that have significant peer researched same-sex sexual behavior in the wild. the question on my mind is why is this happening? and the basic version of the story is we got the story of animal sex wrong. >> trevor: you know what makes this book fascinating and the research behind the book as well is the fact that for so long, the subjectle they would use against any member to have the lgbtq community is they would say it's not natural. now the science has shown that it is natural. the irony is you have people saying, but we're not animals! we're better than them, we're different! and what i enjoy in the book is you're careful to not make it a blanket. you're not saying we are the same as the animals and the animals the same as us. you're giving us an insight into a world that we didn't think

existed. the bottle necked dolphins, tell me more about that. >> they're the closest we come to actually having a gay animal. there are some bottle nose dolphin males who only have sex with other males and are only here for the males and not the females. but the majority are bisexual. and, like, basically the spoiler alert is most animals are some version of bisexual and exclusive homosexual preference is very rare but some dolphins behave that way. >> trevor: is there logic behind it? you study evolution. why would they do that? do we have any idea? they just hit a brick wall of they don't want to brokate anymore or just because of pleasure? what are the reasons? >> with bottle nosed dolphins the male union is the only

lasting thing in their society. the male and females will have sex, the female will raise the calf by herself, but the male bonded having frequent sex, 2.4 times an hour, on average. ( laughter ) you haven't gone crazy, the oxytocin is flooding your system for the first time. >> trevor: i never made out till i was 18. >> eighteen, 25 -- pros applause. >> trevor: you have a good reason that goes beyond the research in writing the book, a personal connection with it. with what's going on in america right now, i'd love to know how much of that inspired you to write the book. >> when i was eleven i realized i was gay. the moment puberty hit it was clear, i was poring over the fruit of the loom ads in my

brother's magazine. ( laughter ) if you're not someone who lives this identity, the day before it was not true, and then all of a sudden i was gay. everything i had heard is it was a terrible thing to be, that it was unnatural and something wrong with it. so the nerdy little kid, no surprise, i went to the encyclopedia and looked up homosexuality in this 24-volume encyclopedia and the story i got is it's a psychological aberration also unique to humans caused by too much attachment to mother, father, maybe too little, no one's quite sure, but something went wrong. that was a lot to wrestle with. i came out on the other side by loving my gayness. i thought, it's unnatural and that's great. who needs natural. who quairs, right?

i grew up reading books. this is just who i am. i would have shortened the journey to self-acceptance, which a lot of lgbtq kids do not survive. it would have shortened the journey to know the research in "queer ducks." i wrote it to the 11-year-old version of me. ( cheers and applause ) so it's upsetting to see the challenges. i lived the logic. i lived in the purple area in tampa bay. in the cafeteria, we would talk about we should send all the gays to an island to die, that's about the way we talked about it as middle school and high school kids. it's adam and eve, not adam and steve, which rhymes, so it had to be true. it's kid logic. i understand the thinking which is basically the idea is if you believe this is an outside

source, it's a contagion that comes into people, that they read the wrong books that has a lesbian character and now my daughter is going to become a lesbian, is that truly your belief, it's also your belief you can wall it out, right? if in our town there isn't a single book that has a lesbian character, if i'm not letting my kids watch tv shows that has them, then it's impossible she will become a lesbian. the one thing coming out of all this abundt research, this explosion of research into same-sex wall bhairve across the kingdom, invertebrates, primates, dolphins, fish, you can't wall it out because it's coming from inside. it's our heritage as animals to have this as part of us, right, this huge diversity in the way to express sex and to be with other organisms. so even if your kid doesn't read a book with a lesbian in it, they come from a natural history of animal kind and that

possibility's in there. >> trevor: but if they do read a book about it, they should definitely read this one. >> that's kind of you. >> that's kind of you. ( cheers and applause ) why do nearly one million businesses choose stamps.com to mail and ship? no more trips to the post office no more paying full price for postage and great rates from usps and ups mail letters ship packages anytime anywhere for less a lot less get our special tv offer a 4-week trial plus postage and a digital scale go to stamps.com/try and never go to the post office again

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, please were supporting trans lifeline. they are a grassroots hotline offering direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis - for the trans community, by the trans community. if you can please donate at the link below to help their vision for a world where trans people have the connection, economic security, and care everyone needs and deserves. until tomorrow -- stay safe out there and remember: if you don't like your name, "turkey" is up for grabs. now, here it is -- your moment of zen. ( cheers and applause ) >> dream proposal crushed! it's coming out of disneyland paris. >> gets down on one knee, starts to pop the question, are you watching, then boom out of the left corner a disneyland employee runs out and snatches the ring from the guy's hand? >> oh, my goodness! snatched it out of that hand. are you kidding me? i tell you what, disney should be happy that someone is

proposing at disneyland paris. i didn't know there was a disneyland paris. >> i actually didn't. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ah, killed you. - i blew your head off. - [muffled] - is cartman still in the bathroom? - hey, cartman, we're almost to level 20! you giving birth in there or what? - let a man take a crap. - he's in there punishing my toilet. - yeah, that poor, poor thing. - come on, cartman, you're missing the game! - i'm almost done, you smart-asses. i'm just wiping my-- what the hell is that? [toilet flushes] you guys, look what i found in the trash can in stan's bathroom. it's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped in toilet paper.

- why did you pull it out of the trash? - because i thought it was a jelly doughnut, but look, check it out. it's all bloody. - are you boys still playing that video game? - yeah; hey, mom, cartman found a bloody cotton thing in the bathroom. - look. but i don't think it's for using. i think it's just for looking through. - eric, put that down. - why? - just go put it back in the trash can. - but it's, like, all bloody. it might be alive. - no, that-- that came from me. just put it away. - this came out of you? you just left it in the trash can? "you shouldn't have done that. he's just a boy. poor little feller." - what is it, mom? - yeah, what is it, mrs. marsh? - boys, that's a... feminine thing, all right? it's a personal woman thing. i tell you what. if you'll just drop the whole thing right now, i'll buy you that new video game console you've been wanting. - the 2001 okama gamesphere ? - sure. - cool! - wow, this is like finding trash can gold, you guys. - there it is, the okama gamesphere. - dude, it's got 128 gigahertz d-ram. - what's that? - i don't know, but it kicks ass. wow, dude, you're the luckiest kid in south park.

- hey, this is all of ours. i'm the one who found stan's aborted brother in the trash can and blackmailed his mom into getting the gamesphere. - all right, all right, but you guys got to see if you can sleep over for the rest of the weekend. it's saturday at 2:30. that means we have... 39 hours to play gamesphere until school on monday. - whoo-hoo! - awesome! oh, crap. - what? - i'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow and swim and play in the stupid sun. - dude, we got gamesphere. - i know, i know. well, look, i'll stay over anyway so i can play for... 18 hours. and then i'll go to the lake. - don't forget to bring a towel. - what? - when you get out of the water, you need to dry off right away to avoid catching a cold. that's why towelie says "don't forget to bring a towel." - okay. thanks, towelie. - you want to get high? - no. - anyway, that will give me plenty of time playing video games. - kyle, i think you underestimate okama gamesphere. - here you go, boys. all: aah!! - okay, turn it on. - okama gamesphere! all:whoa! - thirst for blood!

- oh yeah, thirst for blood; bring it. - oh, this is so cool. - bring it, bring it! - [indistinct speech] - good night, boys. don't stay up too late. - good night, mom. thanks for gamesphere. - yeah, but you still shouldn't have done that; he's just a boy. - what? - nothing; come on, randy. - yeah, mom, i can't go to the lake. no, stan's having emotional problems, and we need to help see him through it. he's got--what is it? - date rape psychosis. - date rape something. yeah, okay, i will. okay, thanks, mom. i don't have to go outside! - awesome! - she said it's fine but that i still have to go to baseball practice tonight. - oh, yeah, we've got baseball practice today. - we shouldn't have this many responsibilities. we're children. - it's all right; we can still play for six more hours, and then we'll go play baseball. - don't forget to bring a towel. - ah, no. - when you're playing sports, the sweat can get in your face. that's why towelie says, "always keep an extra towel in your duffel bag." - okay, we will. - all right! you want to get high? - no, we don't want to get high. - okay. you sure? - yes, go away, you stupid towel!

- oh, dude, did you see that? i cut off your face and ate it. - that's so cool! - okay, boys, that's it. you have to go now. - no, no, it's okay, mom. we can't go to baseball practice because kyle has cancer. - no, stanley, it's monday morning. you have to go to school. - it's monday? - oh, um, i'm sick. - me too. - no, you're not sick. now get to school, all of you. - but, mom! - go! all: ahh! - i can't believe we have to go to school. - yeah, real life is so boring and stupid. - we just have to try and make the day go as fast as possible so we can get back to gamesphere. - hello, boys, how are you? - fine. - say, boys, this may sound a little odd, but have you seen a talking towel around anywhere? - what, you mean towelie? - echo, this is garret. i've got a code five at... park county, colorado. repeat: code five, park county, colorado! - what, dude? - this is gonna be one long-ass day.