we ki... we did. okay. we did. we did. you know what? it doesn't matter. because i know it happened. and that is all that counts. [shouts] i did do it! >> announcer: coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight: trump's latest excuses. should we go back to school? and xolo mariduena! this is "the daily show," with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: hey, what's going on everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in, and thank you for coming out in person. thank you for being here, everybody. thank you so much for being

here. we have got a wild show for you tonight. take a seat. let's get into it. donald trump is professor "x." the new york subway is about to replace "house of dragon" as your favorite show. and we'll find out why russians are all going on vacation at the same time. so let's do this, people. let's jump straight into today's headlines. ( applause ) >> trevor: all right, i'm going to be honest with all the news that happened today, i don't think we have enough space in today's show. i'm-- i'm really sorry. you know, it's too much-- no, it's like we were at an all-you-can-eat news buffet, and there are only so many stories your mom can fit in her purse while the waitress is not looking. there's just not enough time for it all. fortunately, not enough time is just enough time for a segment we call "ain't nobody got time for that."

let's kick things off with the ungoing legal troubles of donald jurisdiction trump. the only former president with a side gig selling bedadled classified documents on ety. trump is still being investigated by the justice department for keeping over 100 classified documents in a closet at mar-a-lago-- pretty much the least-secure place in the world outside of b adam levine's d.m. he said the f.b.i. planted the everyone. they said everyone takes work home with them. and they had trump was trying to protect the documents from nicolas cage. but last night, last night, during an interview with sean hannity, trump came up with a new excuse that may have topped them all. >> a defiant donald trump prushing back. the former president is insisting he had the power to declassify documents seized from his mar-a-lago home, just by thinking about it. >> if you're the president of the united states, you can declassify just by saying, "it's declassified," even by thinking about it.

and there doesn't have to be a process. there can be a process, but there doesn't have to be. >> trevor: hold on, hold on. donald trump can declassify documents with his brap? how? how. he can't even read documents with his brain. how does this happen? i really hope that i can make things happen with my mind is going to be the actual argument at the trial. that would be great. "your honor, the defendant pleads jedi." ( applause ) so trump is saying that he declassified these documents just by thinking about it. which i don't even believe, because that would be the first time in his life that trump has thought something and not said it out loud. ( laughter ) think about it. this is a man who thought to himself, "if i wasn't related to my daughter, i would date her." and then he told everyone on tv. he said it out of his mouth. by the way, by the way, if this all happened in his head, you do realize now the f.b.i. is going to have to raid his brain for the evidence. that's going to be a nightmare

for them. "oh, guys, all right, let's see what we have in here. wow, it's a-- a lot of bikinis. a lot of bikinis in here. miss america in a bikini. is that putin in a bikini? a hamburger in a bikini. how oldep, hold up, i think i got them. the classified documents, but they're in a bikini. ( applause ) now, if we had more time, we could talk about the massive ramifications of donald trump having a super power that only applies to documents, but we don't have the time, because in that same interview, he gave a different excuse that was even more mind-boggling. here is donald trump's new theor revealed just an hour ago about what the f.b.i. was really looking for with their search warrant. >> there's also a lot of speculation because of what they did, the severity of the f.b.i. coming and raiding mar-a-lago. were they looking for the

hillary clinton e-mails that were deleted but they are around someplace? were they looking for the spying on trump's-- >> wait wait. you're not saying you had it-- >> no, no. they may be saying-- they may have thought that it was in there. >> that you did. okay. >> trevor: wait, wait, what? even sean hannity, i roll with you but i don't understand. i'm so confused. so is trump saying the f.b.i. raided his house to find hillary's emails? so they didn't want the documents he declassified with his mind. no, they wanted the emails he couldn't find but that he actually had the whole time at his house? because donald trump is hillary clinton? ( applause ) what? what? so america really did elect its first female president? what! this is so insane! and if we had more time, we could talk about how great it is

that hillary trump broke the glass ceiling or talk about how amazing it is that sean hannity basically gave trump a softball and trump hit himself in the dick with a bat. while the american people are getting embarrassed by their leaders, iran's people are rising up against theirs. >> hundreds iranians risking their lives to protest the country's ultra- conservative dress code for women and much more. they were sparked by the death of 22-year-olds masa amini while she was in the custody of iran's notorious morality police. she was detained for the crime of showing her hair in public. in a brave show of defiance, women in iran's capital of tehran are now removing their state-mandated hijabs. >> the scope of these protests, john, are rare, but also unprecedented in their feminist nature, where you're seeing women at the forefront at these protests, leading these protests, taking to the streets, removing their head scarves, setting up bon fires, burning their head scarves and chanting

"death to the dictator" in reference to the supreme leader. >> trevor: yeah, women in iran-- ( applause ) women in iran who all have stories of being detained or harassed by the morality police are fighting back, and rightfully so. think about it. you're going to have a bunch of random people walking around %-p? in america you have to be on the supreme court to do that. what the women of iran are doing is inspiring people all over the world. you saw them. they're chanting "death to the dictator" in front of the dictator's troops. that is the definition of bravery, like, actual bravery, real bravery. ( applause ) yeah. not like the way we use it here, like when a musician tries acting, "oh, this was a real risk for you." that bravery has been contabling ow because flat week these protests have gotten bigger and angrier. in response, the iranian government it is trying to

control the flow of information by shutting down access to whatsapp and instagram. this is something i wonder with these governments sometimes. do they realize people protested before social media, right? like, civil rights leaders didn't have facebook. nelson mandela wasn't on tiktok, "it's your boy nelson, kicking it in prison." if we had more time we could talk about how this protest follows on the heels of a series of events that turned iran into a powder keg. water mismanagement has caused massive droughts. and on top of all of, that the united states has sanctioned iran so badly people can barely afford medicine. this protest and moment in time has many people in iran wondering if this is going to be a tipping point. but we don't have the time to cover all of that, because it turns out iran's government is not the only one feel the heat. >> this morning, more than 1,000 russian protesters detained by russian police after taking to the streets.

young men chanting, "i don't want to die for putin." mothers screaming, "send putin to the trenches. let our children live." this after president putin suddenly announcing he would call up 300,000 men for military service after his massive losses in ukraine. >> other russians are fleeing the country, flights from moscow to all visa-free destinations selling out quickly. there are also long lines of cars heading to finland, which has open borders. >> trevor: yeah, that's right. after russia'sang riest elf announced he was going to be drafting 300,000 people into his war in ukraine, the russian people are trying everything to get out of country. which i totally get. i get it. ( applause ) i mean, think about it, think about it. this guy is fighting a war for no reason. he made it up. it's like when your friend gets drunk and tries to get you involved in a fight they started. "come on, bro, he spilled his. beer all over my shirt."

the russians don't have uber and some are flying out, driving across borders. some are hitting up ron desantis pretending they're venezuelans. "my name is domingo, martha's vineyard, yes." we could talk about how putin needing to have a drop undermined everything he said until now. he always insisted this isn't a real war. what do you need 300,000 more soldiers for? does he need help to move that giant table. we don't have the time to figure that out, because while russia is ramping up the war in ukraine, here in new york city, there is a major escalation against the war on crime. >> the m.t.a. taking some new action to make our subways safer. it's going to install security cameras in every new york city subway car. >> the m.t.a. adding surveillance to more than 6,400 subway cars. that's about 12,700 cameras, a $5.5 million cost. today, governor hochul got to test a major expansion of the

surveillance system. watch here as hochul and m.t.a. chairman janno lieber board a 7 train at the corona yard. and then the hidden camera on board records them. >> if you think big brother's watching you on the subways, you're absolutely right. that is our intent. >> trevor: that's right. i'm big brother watching over you. just like in that book i clearly didn't finish reading. why would you want to be big brother? i get that they're trying to address crime, but we already have cameras in all the subways. yeah, they're called iphones. anything-- anything that those security cameras are going to pick up, was already on tiktok two days ago. don't get it twisted. here's the thing, i'm not saying new york shouldn't try to make the subways safer, but is this the right ways to spend the money? especially when you consider all the other problems with the subway: running on time, upgrade to improve safety and accessibility, maintaining them so they don't always look like shit's about to go down. have you been in a new york city subway lately?

it looks like the world ended and will smith is about to show up with his dog. that's how it looks. look, if we had the time we could talk about why officials are always quick to spend money on cameras to catch homeless people jerking off on the subway, when they could be spending money investing in housing so those people could jerk off in their own homes. or we could talk about how america lost investing catching criminals will instead of investing in a society where people don't commit crimes. but we don't have time because big brother is telling me it's time to take an ad break. so we'll be right back. so we'll be right back. ( applause ) dreams come true, right here! this is what revolution looks like. ♪♪ who doesn't want to become the talk of the town here? [yells] it's time for us to show people who we truly are. that was very very impressive.

this is insane. ♪♪ anybody need some good news? kids, get the popcorn out! oho! ♪♪

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, there's so much arguing in america today, but we here at "the daily show" think there could be even more. so to do our part, here's dulce sloan with another installment of "prove me wrong." >> you know it's that special time of year where the crisp is back in the air. err exes are calling you back, and we have sent those bad-ass kids back in that building. so welcome to "prove me wrong." back-to-school edition. ♪ ♪ ♪ if kids ain't that bright

anyway, why keep using your tax dollars to teach these little monsters. what did you learn in the fourth grade that you still use? cursive? >> how am i going to remember what i learned in the fourth grade. i don't remember what i wore last week. >> that's what i'm saying. if you can't remember what you learned in the fourth grade, then why did you need to go past the third? >> now, that's a valid point. because i can't tell you nothing i learned past third grade. >> uh-huh. i want you you to prove me wrong. popularity in school does better? prove me wrong! >> i think when you're showered with attention and killedded, like, too early, like, all the people like you, it's not good for your development. >> where did you go to school? >> in germany. >> germany? >> southern germany. >> you're saying you shouldn't be popular because-- >> yeah. >> the popular kids end up selling schnitzel or some shit. >> which is not bad for can

itself. but, yeah, i would say so. >> there is no reason to teach spelling anymore. prove me wrong. >> spelling is important. >> why? you're not being rude. i said prove me wrong. you walked over here. >> spelling is the first thing you learn in school. >> we have all of these computers that tell us, "hey the the word is spelled wrong." >> what about the people who aren't as lucky as us to have the technology and autocorrect. maybe they're still writing-- people around the world. i haven't lived that life. but i know they exist. >> i'm only talking about the fools here. >> okay, so this is no reason to teach spelling anymore in the u.s. >> listen, i'm an american. i don't think about anyone else. why would-- >> i'm jealous of you. i wish i could just think about myself. >> attractive people shouldn't be allowed to be teachers. prove me wrong! >> well i think attractiveness is a very subjective thing. he could be attracted to you and not to me. there's no way we can say ugly

people. >> i don't want to play this game. we know who is ugly. we think, "attractiveness is relative." no, it's not. >> i definitely paid more attention in class when there was an attackive teacher. >> i agree. i failed math four times. >> you only get to take it four times. >> i flurchged all four times. i passed on the fourth tile, actually. >> what about all the math you had to take. had a hot physics teacher. don't know what physics are. i know biology is bodies. chemistry is the chemicals. what the hell is physics, physicals. thank you so much, i think we've figured out that hot teachers are a detriment to us all. >> disagree. ( laughter ). >> are you a teacher! really? what school is this? come on, enroll. see, that's my point. you can't have hot teachers. i wouldn't learn shit with him in front of me. did you see the pecs in front of that man. the disrespect. he should be fired immediately.

>> trevor: thank you so much, dulce. stay tuned, when we come back, xolo mariduena will be joining me on the show, you don't want to miss it. only on prime video. the steelers. the browns. our hopes and dreams out on this field right here.

how does he do it time after time? an afc showdown. it's the steel city and the dawg pound. they gon' need the whole bench to tackle me! a rivalry renewed. thursday night football. only on prime video. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight will soon be known everywhere as the d.c. super hero "blue beatle." today he is here to talk about being in the new season of "cobra kai," which is streaming right now on netflix. >> she said she wanted to talk to me. >> what did she say exactly?

>> "we should talk tonight." >> what? it says we should talk. brother, you're in deep. >> the last time we spoke we had a huge fight. >> "we should talk "is code for "i want to break up." not necessarily. she's big on communication. maybe sam actually does want to talk. >> we need more information. we should send a trial balloon. something that puts the ball in her court. please welcome xolo mariduena. ( applause ) >> trevor: xolo mariduena, welcome to the show. >> thank you, thank you for having me. >> trevor: it's so good to have you here. you are experiencing a trajectory that few people have ever experienced. obviously, people love you on "cobra kai." every outlet from e. news to every publication online is you are the it guy. i think i read somewhere that

they said you are the internet's boyfriend. >> the internet's boyfriend. okay. i haven't heard that one before. >> trevor: i never heard it either. >> i think my mom maybe wrote that. i think maybe she was putting in a good word for me. >> trevor: you really are having a great run. >> thank you. >> trevor: congratulations, "cobra kai," what is it, season five, now? >> season five, i hope we get to do another one. five seasons. >> trevor: it seems like you will. it's a really popular show. i always wondered this, the show is so popular, i grew up watching "the karate kid," and i see this show, and then you're on it, and i'm like you weren't even alive when the "the karate kid" came out. >> i was barely alive when the gene smith one came out. no, i had seen it, though. it's pivotal. i feel like everyone has seen it, right? ( applause ) yeah, it definitely is-- is something that only until the show had released did i realize was so close to so many people's hearts. >> trevor: it's part of the lore. it went around the world--

>> it's like they got their own marvel cinematic universe. they're bringing people from the past. >> trevor: it does feel like that. let's talk a little bit about the show itself. you're lunger martial arts. do you learn-- you like how people get to learn the stuff on the shows they're doing. can you fight? >> i can fight, yes. i don't know if i can fight well. i think-- if i were to be in a fight in real life, i would be like, "can you throw it with the other hand. i only know how to plok it on this side." >> trevor: "if there was a camera i would beat you up right now." >> exactly, exactly. i was very fortunate the character didn't know karate ergz at the beginning. i remember being in the chemistry read and faking that i couldn't do a push-up. and they were like, "this guy's hilarious. this guy is our guy." and i was like, what? "his timing is crazy." >> trevor: but now you've gotten better. >> now i can do a push-up, yes. ( applause ) >> trevor: the show is beloved.

you are also somebody who people are getting to know. you've had a really interesting journey. you started acting at the age of 10, i believe. >> 10. >> trevor: how are you normal? >> i -- >> honestly, i feel like a lot of child stars aren't well adjusted and as they grow up they become-- i understand what happens to them. i'm not even blaming them. you seem normal. i met your mom. she's great. >> she's normal as well. i think-- i mean i-- even in high school, i kept along with the curriculum. i was in a regular high school. i-- and my core group of friends are the friend i've had for the longest time. >> trevor: that's the secret. >> and i was also really blessed that "cobra kai" blew up over the pandemic. so i wasn't eye wasn't out and any. >> trevor: right, right. >> i wasn't walking around with the "stranger things" kids. "don't take pictures! i was at home. oh, man. going to trader joe's with my mask on, like, guys...

>> trevor: it's-- it's been so cool to see your rise. obviously, "cobra kai," but now to be a super hero. this is almost everyone's dream. d.c. tapped you as the "blue beetle" which is historic. and what's impressive is they didn't ask you to audition for the role. >> no. you know, i was very fortunate. i had met the director, who is know-- i give him credit for all of this because he really believed in me. and i had met him at sundance a few years prior to the movie. and i guess i left somewhat of an impression. and he watched the show and, "i think this is perfect." obviously, we had conversations. it wasn't like i got a call like, "you got it. you're the guy." >> trevor: that would be great. >> that would be great. >> trevor: "you are the 'blue beetle '." >> no, no. we had conversations about it, and i think we were really on the same page with what the movie meant, you know, not only

to myself and him but to the greater community, the greater, you know, brown community... latino community. >> trevor: yeah, no. >> and we were on the same page, so we were like, "let's do it!" ( applause ). >> trevor: it means so much-- it also means so much to see somebody as young as you in an industry that for so long was defined in a certain way redefining what that industry is. , you know, i wonder even beyond how people perceive you, how do you process the world you're in with social media. the previous generation of actors and celebrities didn't have to deal with that. do you ever find there's a lot of pressure to be in two worlds? you can't just focus what you do but how people see you online or is that just part of your life? >> i think it definitely is something to think about. but, also, i like to have fun. i'm a big proponent of you can't take yourself too seriously. i would love to do "vogue" and stuff like, that but, also, i pull out my butt cheeks all the

time. i am definitely a normal 21-year-old. and my family was super-- like, they are also always, like, you're also a kid. like, you can be a kid, and that's okay. and obviously there's a sense of professionalism that comes with being in this industry. that all kind of came naturally working around adults all the time. i first show i worked on for a couple of years was the show called "parenthood." and i was around only adults. it was kind of odd being around ray romano and these guys. and we're having regular conversations. >> trevor: these are my coworkers. >> these are my coworkers. and i would go back to school because nobody would know me, nobody as a middle schooler watched "parenthood." they were like, "my moms cry to you." but i don't, with the social media i have been able to kind of just do me. >> trevor: i like that. i think that's a great motto for life, do what you do, work really hard, but always remember to pull your butt cheeks out. >> always remember to pull your butt cheeks out.

>> trevor: congratulations. xolo mariduena, everybody. we're going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. thank you. ( applause )

>> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. charlamagne is up next! now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> the best thing to do probably is do not tweet ( whistle ) but if you must tweet... ( whistle, whistle ( i am guilty of that myself. know that the tweets will be used against you, that the internet is forever. >> thank you trevor you clever, cler mother fevver, now

according to the cdc. stds are on the rise in the u.s., including syphilis, gonorrhea and 1.6 million cases of chlamydia. i'm not saying this is nick cannon's fault but queen nyla, let's get it. >> . >> hey. please say hello to the dopest panel on late night. he's the star of the hit show big mouth and his standup special little big boy premiers september 27th on netflix, it's nick kroll, y'all. he's the chief legal correspondent for msnbc and the host of msnbc's the beat, ari melber is here. and she