now here it is, your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> new yorkers are used to seeing strange things, but this one was a real head-scratcher. a guy on top of one of new york city's oldest skyscrapers jumping from awning to awning and circling the building. ♪ ♪ >> he is outside the window. ♪ ♪ [laughter] from comedy central, this is stephen colbert prevents

"tooning out the news." >> tesla, if you see our driverless cars, just play dead until it goes away. tonight on "tooning out the news," liberal warrior kylie weaver has an exclusive interview with secretary pete buttigieg. does he have his eye on the white house or is he perfectly happy in his current role, straining his every muscle pretending to care about bike lanes? and the conservative panel of "hot take" applauds ron desantis for accepting federal hurricane relief, calculating that floridians can't vote for him a 2024 if they have to fight off a shark in the voting booth. but first, president biden juggles the approaching midterms and a nuclear crisis with russia. do our polling models account for extra votes from radiation-induced third limbs? it's time for some big news. ♪ >> good evening. i'm james smartwood, and i got a head full of news where my brain should be. top story, with just 34 days until the midterm elections, the democratic and republican

parties are fighting to convince voters that they know the perfect shade of pain to make our crumbling democracy pop. the leader of the republican party, former president and guy on a flight to riyadh trying to stuff a nuclear warhead into the overhead compartment donald trump is facing new startling accusations related to his latest treason gap. meanwhile, the leader of the democratic party, joe biden, wants to keep the nation focused on how republicans will ban all abortions, but with one exception. the man might run for senate one day on a platform of i played football. but the cable news military industrial complex is trying to sneak in a quickie world war. >> as putin is encountering he's difficulties, i think it's now time to remove some of the restrictions we put on ourselves. >> air and missile attack which would be devastating on everything he owns inside ukraine. >> we will continue to support the ukrainians, as you heard our president say for as long as it takes. >> doubling down on sanction, doubling down on export controls. ranging all the way to a nuclear response of our own. >> you know we're having a robust debate on the merits of military intervention when the

only options laid out before the american people are we should do it, or come on, we should do it. joining me now to roll down the windows of truth, let's the scoops blow through our area and let the news make a memory of a lifetime, in the background of every single shot of hillary and chelsea's new apple tv do docu docuseries, lydia parker. >> good evening. >> chief washington bureau chief whose cat is the alpha of the relationship jonathan keene. >> hello. >> hey. and cbs news chief washington correspondent who got his job fair and square over his sister and the luckiest boy in the world, my dad, major garrett. >> great to be with you. >> there is no conflict on earth the united states should not get involved in. but how does biden spin america turning into an irradiated held netscape to his advantage in the midterms? >> so one thing is true about president biden, unlike his most immediate predecessor, he doesn't watch tv and take the advice of generals on tv to chart his military strategy. he charts it on his own. and one thing i would say about

the military generals currently on tv, they either were directly or indirectly involved in two of america's most recent wars, afghanistan and iraq. not necessarily regarded as absolute victories. what's clear in ukraine is the people there, with the assistance of u.s. military equipment, are fighting just fine on their own. >> i don't know. i'm sure russia would be a cakewalk compared to afghanistan. panel, jump in here. >> it's not the media's job to offer a nuanced counternarrative to war. >> it's our job to stand firm with the brave, noble people of ukrainestan, or whatever country we're talking about. >> i think military intervention in ukraine is inevitable. and i would say that, even if i hadn't received $400,000 from boeing to deliver a seven-second speech. >> unfortunately we live in unprecedented times where it's -- where it's impossible to discern reality from fiction -- >> do you want to go again there, junior? >> unfortunately, we live in unprecedented times where it's impossible to discern reality from fiction. but i feel pretty good about this one.

>> yeah, this war is fine. >> the broad strokes. >> now the news media is trying to go inside the head of vladimir putin, like his critics go flying out the sixth story of their hospital windows. for more, let's go to our chief washington bureau chief jonathan keene. keene, can you explain the inner workings of vladimir putin's psyche, while also explaining why you're naked right now? >> i sure can, james. i wanted to get inside the mind of putin when he is isolated and embarrassed. and the only way to do that is isolate and embarrass myself by getting naked. >> i see. what have you been able to glean about the russian tyrant? >> there is no denying that putin is feeling uncomfortable, but enjoying the refreshing feeling of his supple skin on cold plexiglas and the studio fan blowing directly on his belly button. >> look, i bought to be honest, team. i thought we would go at least five minutes into the new season before an analyst got naked? >> and you're telling me this isn't compelling television? >> i like it. >> i will give you that. outlook? >> if i could chime in real quick? >> yeah, what's up? >> i like it too. >> okay. >> that's it. >> okay.

moving on, as we all know, our nation is still in shock after another devastating attack, this one on perhaps the greatest symbol of american democracy, my face. as you can see here, a poster of me in the new york city subway system was graffitied. let's try to make sense of this act of cowardly evil in a new segment entitled america under attack, someone drew on my face. joining us now is former director of the cia, john brennan. he is the author of "undaunted: my fight against america's enemies at home and abroad." director brennan, thank you for missing family redaction night to be with us tonight. >> thank you, james. >> you believe russia is likely behind the sabotage of the nord stream pipeline. are you prepared to wildly speculate that the russians are also behind this attack on my face in the 65th street subway station? >> well, no, james. i think this is the act of somebody who wanted to deface the advertisement, the poster. this is not an act that was carried out by some type of foreign country. i think it's more somebody who was going through there and just wanted to put some graffiti on

the poster. that's it. >> the good news is if we need to get some answers, the subway system allows for easy waterboarding every time it rains. now regardless of who's behind the subway attack, the united states needs to launch a proportional response, i think we all agree on that. how soon can we blot out the sun with drones? >> well, i think this is going to be something for the port authority police, the new york police department. >> nypd, i'm not trying to get someone killed here, john. all i'll say, we need to go by the 1% doctrine. if there is a 1% chance my crotch might be defaced next, we have to act like it's a certainty. now now director brennan, before you go, some have said the u.s. drone strike program you oversaw killed too many low level militants and civilians who posed no direct threat to the u.s. but wasn't it worth it to let the world know america stands ready to vaporize the powerless? >> i was very proud to work in the president obama administration. i do believe that president obama's views very much comported with mine as far as only take action, lethal action against a terrorist to stop

their plans. we could not use horrific terroristic attacks against civilians only when necessary. so therefore, i stand by our record during the obama administration. >> oh, you didn't say obama said it was cool. never mind. i got to hit the shops because bad di's low on ointment. let's wrap it there. contributor major garrett. thank you, major. >> always a pleasure. >> he is the co-author of the big truth upholding democracy in the age of the big lie". available now wherever vanity projects are sold. up next is the conservative hot take. kyler, what can we expect besides four co-hosts working through daddy issues live on tv? >> he was tough on me because he loves me. we're covering ron desantis bleeding joe biden for sweet hurricane ian cash and teaching kids about hurricane sandy relief. stick around.

♪ ♪ you gotta frank it up frank it up! frank it up! yeah! it's the perfect blend of flavor and heat i put that $#!t on everything here's a good halloween trick. it'sbuy a bunch of reese's. flav(uh huh, there you go) turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah) ( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's.

meta, anything you can imagine as long as it looks like shit. hey, it's a conservative host who gets duct taped to a chair before he even makes it through airport security. tyler templeton alongside co-host and star of the youtube video entitled "woman curses out alpaca for disrespectful whinny." bonnie davis, whose gender reveal party added several species to the endangered species list. and austin sparks, crueller than the libs inventing welfare just to take down brett favre. this is hot take.

what's up, you wild swine? throughout the countryside, rumors abound that king trump, conquerer of omelettes will one sun-soaked day after the midterms but before thanksgiving decree a run for president. until then, ronald "the rec tang rectangular dissentist continues to show he is worthy of lying penisly with thine republican party. today he faced his greatest test yet, accepting federal aid while still being a jerkoff to joe biden. here is how he fares, we were very fortunate to have good coordination with the white house. we got a major declaration approved by the president, and we really appreciated that. >> taking cash from the president, despite voting against disaster relief as a congressman is a snake move and i love it. now ron jon desurf shop just needs to grab the check from biden and give the tax signal to

his flood-delivered street walrus. panel, do we love it? >> i love it. >> i pray ronnie d. saint desantis doesn't use the millions in relief money to repair buildings damaged in flooding so they can collapse naturally under florida's you do i don't construction regulations. >> couldn't agree more. >> those liberals were so mad that desantis trafficked those migrants to martha's vineyard, but he actually saved them from the hurricane. now he has to look tough by bussing the hurricane up to martha's vineyard. >> look, i'm just jacked desantis, if covid is any indication will refuse to waste federal dollars on nonsense, like accurately tracking the death count. >> oh, boss move. >> i love how the left gives this hurricane a man's name to say oh, look, toxic masculinity. guess what? i don't see a penis on that hurricane, and i've been looking for days. >> that's right. we all have, and it's ridiculous. now obviously, in 2024, it will be downright impossible to choose between trump and desantis. now let's talk about the pros and cons of each. trump, pro.

trump. trump con, not desantis. okay? so desantis pro. sort of pro, desantis con, not trump. crap, it's impossible to choose. we got run them under a hot hair dryer and stick them together. does anyone have a big one? >> that's the way to do it. >> vidal sassoon. >> what? >> vidal sassoon. >> is that english? >> french for hair. >> i don't believe in it. >> all right. i got to go slam my utensils drawer over and over until my wife figures out i'm mad at something from 20 years ago. let's wrap it up with "i'm not done." my hero, self-made son of a millionaire elon musk is blowing my mind with his new robot invention, which will one day replace humans who walk 0.2 miles an hour looking like they got hot shit in their pants. bonnie? >> i'm upset because kim kardashian has to pay $1.26 million to the securities and exchange commission for promoting cryptocurrency without

disclosing that she had been paid a quarter million. do we really want america to end its sacred tradition of bilking consumers into buying worthless crap? i'm proud of all the bullshit i'm tricked into buying. including the weighted blanket that turned out to be just some guy in a sweater. >> as we know, i'm the host of tuning out the news's hit take no prisoners late night show spark. and tonight's episode totally slaps. we got senator ron johnson and twitch star ninja playing raw meat air hockey. and then we do the goat pepper challenge with britney spears' dad. finally, being a guy that looks like paul sorvino try out a little gadget called the spank-o-meter. that's tonight on spark. what? >> undisputed king of late night. it's nuts. when "tooning out the news" returns, ask secretary buttigieg when president biden didn't pick him for designated survivor, was he like oh, crap, joe's on to me. that's ahead. "tooning out the news," the podcast is available thursdays on your platform of choice.

♪ wish i had you all alone ♪ ♪ just the two of us ♪ happy halloween, michael. [ screaming ] [ eerie music playing ] come and get me. [ heavy breathing ] [ grunting ]

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wells fargo, the old timey horse logo not defrauding folks. my exclusive sit-down interview with secretary pete buttigieg. i'll ask what's the ideal route to build a high-speed rail besides the one connecting his house to the oval office. this is "virtue signal."

hi, i'm liberal warrior kylie weaver. and sorry, but i have to salute neo fascist prime minister giorgia meloni for showing the boys club that, yes, a woman can sink a migrant boat in the mediterranean. top story, y'all. after a series of legislative successes, presidilf joe bidonkadonk is on a hot streak. and here he is looking downright feverish in looking for deceased congresswoman jackie walorski. >> i want to thank all of you here for -- including bipartisan elected officials. jackie, are you here? where is jackie? i think she was going to be here. >> biden is the ultimate feminist president, refusing to let women's voices be silenced by anything, including the cold embrace of death. i stand half measure daddy president biden, but if he were not to run for reelection so he can spend more time with the loud rattling machines that breathe for him, who would replace him? that was just one of the topics

i discussed with secretary of transportation pete buttigieg in his washington office. secretary buttigieg, thank you for joining me, and thank you for doing me the honor of wearing your fun tie to my interview. >> thank you. it's my most fun blue tie. >> now, the biden administration has had a literally amazing summer. you struck an agreement with the manchin administration to pass the landmark inflation reduction act, and it's already working. inflation is down to a minuscule 8%. and i've seen way fewer gofundmes for people trying to buy a gallon of milk. what turned around this administration, besides me posting a drake meme where the top says not passing bills, and the bottom says passing bills? >> i'm sure that was a big help. >> thank you. >> the reason we're excited about the inflation reduction act is it's going to lower the costs that americans are facing every day, especially in a climate where there's been a lot of inflation. so when you look at what the bill is going to do, for example, to reduce the cost of prescription drugs, allowing medicare to negotiate directly with pharmaceutical companies.

the pharma companies fought that, but the administration was able to get that through. it's not going to happen overnight, but it's making a big difference. and one of many things that makes me proud to be part of this administration. >> well, there is one thing we know for sure, it's great that joe biden's approval rating is on the rise, and there is no need for the party in 2024 to rally behind a young, vibrant, gay, transformative political figure. >> that's right. we have a great president. >> i mean, where would we even find someone like that, like that person i mentioned? i mean, they don't even exist. it's impossible. even if we did find them, would they have the courage to seize this singular moment in history? >> or just a great day job that they want to continue doing. >> luckily we don't have to worry about that. we're not in an ironic divine hell, the better we do hour job, the better it is for our boss and the further we get from fulfilling our destiny. >> right. >> exactly. we're on the exact same page, besty. let's talk about republican governor ron desantis, lying to migrants and transporting them to predominantly liberal enclaves.

i'd kill for a lobster roll right now. obviously, this demonstrates a profound level of cruelty and lack of empathy. so is he now a lock for the republican nomination? >> i would like to think that mainstream republicans out there across the country are as troubled by what's happening as the rest of us. i know that's not always true. we've seen a lot of extremism, but we also see i would like to think, some common ground in the idea that you've got asylum seekers from venezuela fleeing a repressive communist regime, that they ought to be treated with respect. these aren't political pawns. they're human beings. >> you know, honestly, i am surprised to hear you answer with such vitriol. i like to say when they go low, we go high. by the way, high is what people say to ron desantis when they realize he is not a tugboat wearing a suit. i'm serious. we need to rise above, just like ron desantis rises above what's considered a normal torso to leg

ratio. we got to turn the other cheek, which should be easy for ron desantis, considering he appears to be made entirely of ass cheek. now i know you're singularly focused on your dream job, transportation secretary. but polls show you would be a strong candidate for president, and president biden recently told scott pelley, who i see at the gym a lot -- >> my intentions i said to begin with, that i would run again. but it's just an intention. but is it a firm decision that i'd run again? that remains to be seen. >> if president biden announces that he is not seeking another term, how far into the word "not" will you announce your candidacy? will you wait for the t, or is america looking for a leader who jumps in on the o? >> so i'm expecting the president will run again, and i'm looking forward to supporting him. i'm also completely focused on this job. it's the most demanding time that i can imagine for the work that we do. >> just so you know, our graphics director lindsey worked really hard on the graphic

announcing your candidacy for president, and she is going to be really bummed that we're not using it. does that change your calculus at all? >> generally not the kind of thing to go into a decision about that sort of thing. but i appreciate hearing about that. >> okay. at the very least, you please look into the camera and tell lindsey how sorry you are for wasting her time? and by the way, you should really go for it, because she worked on the graphic on her birthday. >> sure. lindsey, i'm so sorry, and happy belated birthday. >> secretary buttigieg, we're all done. thank you for your time, and also thank you for taking care of the tickets i got for driving there the carpool alone. when you do the emotional labor of ten men, your car is full, hunty. >> probably not technically how the high occupancy lanes work with the carpooling thing. you really want to have more than one. >> i really thought you would understand emotional labor. i really thought you would. when we return, my touching tribute to a brave feminist crusader who has been fighting the good fight ever since 2022,

liz cheney. >> tuning out the news on twitter, zamora, facebook and