of every single shot of hillary and chelsea's new apple tv docuseries, lydia parker. -good evening. -chief washington bureau chief whose cat is the alpha in the relationship, jonathan keene. -hello. -from washington, chief field correspondent who got his job fair and square over his sister, james smartwood jr. -hey. -and cbs news chief washington correspondent and, if i were the luckiest boy in the world, my dad, major garrett. -great to be with you. -major, obviously there is no conflict on earth the united states should not get involved in, but how does biden spin america turning into an irradiated hellscape to his advantage in the midterms? -so, one thing that's true about president biden -- unlike his most immediate predecessor, he doesn't watch tv and take the advice of generals on tv to chart his military strategy. he charts it on his own. and one thing i would say about the military generals currently on tv -- they either were directly or indirectly involved in two of america's most recent wars, afghanistan and iraq not necessarily regarded as absolute victories.

what's clear in ukraine is the people there, with the assistance of u.s. military equipment, are fighting just fine on their own. -i don't know. i'm sure russia would be a cakewalk compared to afghanistan. panel, jump in here. -you know, it's not the media's job to offer a nuanced counter-narrative to war. it's our job to stand firm with the brave, noble people of ukrainestan or whatever country we're talking about. -i think military intervention in ukraine is inevitable. and i would say that even if i hadn't received $400,000 from boeing to deliver a seven-second speech. -unfortunately, we live in unprecedented times where it's impossible to dit-- where it's impossible to discern r-reality from fiction. -do you want to go again there, junior? i'm not sure you nailed it. -yeah, what's that? unfortunately, we live in unprecedented times where it's impossible to discern reality from fiction. but i feel pretty good about this one. -yeah, this war's fine. we got it. -we have the broad strokes. -now, the news media is trying to go inside the head of vladimir putin, like his critics go flying out the sixth story of their hospital windows.

for more, let's go to our chief washington bureau chief, jonathan keene. keene, can you explain the inner workings of vladimir putin's psyche while also explaining why you're naked right now? -well, i sure can, james. i wanted to get inside the mind of putin when he's isolated and embarrassed. -oh. -and the only way to do that is to isolate and embarrass myself by getting naked. -i see. and what have you been able to glean about the russian tyrant? -well, there's no denying that putin is feeling uncomfortable but enjoying the refreshing feeling of his supple skin on cold plexiglass and the studio fan blowing directly on his belly button. -look. i got to be honest, keene. i thought we'd go at least five minutes into the new season before an analyst got naked. -and you're telling me this isn't compelling television? -i like it. -i will give you that. okay? -hey, if i could just chime in real quick? -yeah. what's up? -i like it, too. -okay? -that's it. -okay. moving on. as we all know, our nation is still in shock after another devastating attack, this one on perhaps the greatest symbol of american democracy -- my face. as you can see here, a poster of me

in the new york city subway system was graffiti'd. uh, let's try to make sense of this act of cowardly evil in a new segment entitled... joining us now is former director of the cia john brennan. he is the author of "undaunted: my fight against america's enemies at home and abroad." director brennan, thank you for missing family redaction night to be with us tonight. -thank you, james. -director brennan, you've said that you believe russia is the most likely suspect behind the sabotage of the nord stream pipeline. are you prepared to wildly speculate that the russians are also behind this attack on my face in the 65th street subway station? -well, no, james. i think this was the act of somebody who wanted to deface the advertisement, the poster. -mm-hmm. -this is not an act that is carried out by some type of foreign country. i think it's more somebody who was going through there and just wanted to put some graffiti on the poster. that's it. -the good news is if we need to get some answers, the subway system allows for easy waterboarding every time it rains. now, regardless of who's behind the subway attack,

the united states needs to launch a proportional response. i think we all agree on that. how soon can we blot out the sun with drones? -well, i think this is going to be something for the port authority police, new york police department. -nypd? i'm not trying to get someone killed here, john. well, all i'll say is we need to go by the 1% doctrine. if there is a 1% chance my crotch might be defaced next, we have to act like it's a certainty. now in non-my face news, director brennan, before you go, some critics have said the us drone strike program you oversaw killed too many low-level militants and civilians who pose no direct threat to the us, but wasn't it worth it to let the world know america stands ready to vaporize the powerless? -i was very proud to work in the president obama administration. i do believe that president obama's views very much comported with mine as far as only take action, lethal action against the terrorists to stop their plans to conduct these horrific terrorist attacks against civilians only when necessary. and so, therefore, i stand by our record

during the obama administration. -oh, you didn't say obama said it was cool. never mind. i gotta hit the shops 'cause daddy's low on ointment, so let's wrap it there. thank you to my analysts and "tooning out the news" contributor major garrett. thank you, major. -always a pleasure. -he is the co-author of "the big truth: upholding democracy in the age of the big lie," available now wherever vanity projects are sold. up next is the conservative "hot take." tyler, what can we expect besides four co-hosts working through daddy issues live on tv? -he was tough on me because he loved me! we're covering ron desantis both bleeding joe biden for sweet hurricane ian cash and making it illegal to teach florida kids about his vote against hurricane sandy relief. stick around! ♪♪ i tried everything to remove fabric odors, but my clothes still smelled. until i finally found new downy rinse and refresh! it doesn't just cover odors, it helps remove them up to 3 times better than detergent alone! find new downy rinse & refresh in the fabric softener aisle. does your antiperspirant keep you dry all day? we've put dove men dry spray to the test...

with nelson, a volunteer who puts care into everything he does. it's a deodorant that really protects my skin. it's comfortable and lasts a long time. dove men. goes on dry. clean feel all day.

is year,rime members get holiday deals before anyone else. which means, you're kind of a big deal. ♪ the prime early access sale now on. only for prime members.

♪♪ -meta. anything you can imagine as long as it looks like shit. -hey, it's conservative host who gets duct taped to a chair before he even makes it through airport security tyler templeton, alongside co-host and star of the youtube video entitled "woman curses out alpaca for disrespectful whinny" bonnie davis... co-host whose gender-reveal party added several species to the endangered list susan shepherd... and co-host and funeral vaper austin sparks. crueler than the libs inventing welfare just to take down brett favre, this is "hot take"! ♪♪ what's up, you wild swine?! top story -- throughout the countryside, rumors abound that king trump, conqueror of omelets,

will one sun-soaked day after the midterms but before thanksgiving decree a run for president. until then, ronald "the rectangular" desantis continues to show he is worthy of lying penis-ly with thine republican party. today, he faced his greatest test yet -- accepting federal aid while still being a jerk-off to joe biden. here is how he fared. -we were very fortunate to have good coordination with the white house. we got a major disaster declaration approved by the president, and we really appreciated that. -taking cash from the president despite voting against disaster relief as a congressman is a snake move, and i love it! now ron john de-surf shop just needs to grab the check from biden then give the attack signal to his flood-delivered street walrus. panel, how did desantis handle biden's visit? do we love it? i love it. -i pray ronnie d. saint desantis doesn't use the billions in relief money to repair buildings damaged in flooding

so they can collapse naturally under florida's "you-do-you" construction regulations. -couldn't agree more. -you know, those liberals were so mad that desantis trafficked those migrants to martha's vineyard, but he actually saved them from the hurricane. now he's got to look tough by bussing the hurricane up to martha's vineyard. -look, i'm just jacked desantis, if covid is any indication, will refuse to waste federal dollars on nonsense like accurately tracking the death count. -oh, boss move. now, i love how the left gives this hurricane a man's name to say, "oh, look, toxic masculinity." guess what. i don't see a penis on that hurricane. and i've been looking for days. -that's right. we all have, man! it's ridiculous. -mm-hmm. now, obviously, in 2024, it will be downright impossible to choose between trump and desantis. now let's talk about the pros and cons of each. trump pro -- trump! trump con -- not desantis. -ahh. -okay? so, desantis pro -- sorta trump. desantis con -- not trump. -yeah, yeah.

-crap! it's impossible to choose! we gotta run them under a hot hair dryer and stick them together. does -- does anyone have, like, a big one? -that's the way to do it. -two good options. -i do. vidal sassoon. -did you -- what? vassoon? -vidal sassoon. -is that english? -it's french for "hair." -i don't believe in it. -ohh! alright. i got to go slam my utensil drawer over and over until my wife figures out i'm mad at something from 20 years ago, so let's wrap it out with "i'm not done." ♪♪ my hero, self-made son of a millionaire elon musk, is blowing my mind with his new robot invention which will one day replace humans who walk 0.2 miles an hour looking like they got a hot shit in their pants. bonnie? -i'm upset because kim kardashian has to pay $1.26 million to the securities and exchange commission for promoting cryptocurrency without disclosing that she'd been paid a quarter million. do we really want america to end its sacred tradition of bilking consumers into buying worthless crap? i'm proud of all the bullshit i've been tricked into buying,

including the weighted blanket that turned out to be just some guy in a sweater. -as we all know, i'm also the host of "tooning out the news's" hit take-no-prisoners late-night show "sparks!" and tonight's episode totally slaps. we got senator ron johnson and twitch star ninja playing raw meat air hockey, and then we do the ghost pepper challenge with britney spears' dad. finally, me and a guy who looks like paul sorvino try out a little gadget called the spank-o-meter. that's tonight on "sparks!" what-what! -undisputed king of late night! it's nuts! when "tooning out the news" returns, "virtue signal" asks secretary buttigieg when president biden didn't pick him for designated survivor, was he like, "oh, crap, joe's onto me"? that's ahead. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays on your platform of choice.

you've already put a parlay on this game. with the life parlay you placed to make it here. you bet you wouldn't burn breakfast. you bet your lucky jersey wouldn't shrink. and you bet on your driver's questionable detours and sense of direction. but, if just one bet goes south, football sunday becomes... football no fun day. but with fanduel, you'll still get up to $1000 back in free bets if your first bet doesn't win. so bet on america's #1 sportsbook, fanduel, and make every moment more. it's halloween, we're gonna to have a good time tonight. so bet on america's #1 sportsbook, fanduel, the bogeyman is coming. he's gonna get you. [ distant chatter ] gonna get you.

[ screaming ] please help me! it's time to put the bogeyman to bed. [ screaming ] [ distant chatter ] bogeyman. he's gonna get you.

(♪ ♪) limited edition fragrance only by glade sc johnson new projects means new project managers. you need to hire. i need indeed. indeed you do. when you sponsor a job, you immediately get your shortlist of quality candidates, whose resumes on indeed match your job criteria. visit indeed.com/hire and get started today. at progressive, if you want to protect the homes and autos of those who bundle, you must become a true master. [ glass shatters ] when you can take the ball from my hand you will be ready.

does this mean i'm ready? i mean, technically, i guess, ah y want to do it that way. ♪♪ -wells fargo. the old-timey horse logo non-defraudin' folks. -tonight, my exclusive sit-down interview with secretary pete buttigieg. i'll ask, what's the ideal route to build a high-speed rail besides the one connecting his house to the oval office? this is "virtue signal." ♪♪ hi. i'm liberal warrior kylie weaver. and sorry, but i have to salute neofascist prime minister giorgia meloni for showing the boys club

that, yes, a woman can sink a migrant boat in the mediterranean. top story, y'all -- after a series of legislative successes, presidilf joe bidonkadonk is on a hot streak, and here he is looking downright feverish and hallucinating the image of deceased congresswoman jackie walorski. -i want to thank all of you here for including bipartisan elected officials. jackie, you here? where's jackie? i didn't think she was -- she wasn't going to be here. -biden is the ultimate feminist president, refusing to let women's voices be silenced by anything, including the cold embrace of death. i stan half-measure zaddy president biden, but if he decides not to run for reelection so that he can spend more time with the loud rattling machines that breathe for him, who would replace him? that was just one of the topics i discussed with secretary of transportation pete buttigieg in his washington office. secretary buttigieg, thank you for joining me and thank you for doing me the honor of wearing your fun tie to my interview.

-thank you. it's my most fun blue tie. -now, the biden administration has had a literally amazing summer. you struck an agreement with the manchin administration to pass the landmark inflation reduction act. and it's already working. inflation is down to a minuscule 8%. and i'm seeing way fewer gofundmes for people trying to buy a gallon of milk. what turned around this administration besides me posting a drake meme where the top says... -i'm sure that was a big help. -thank you. -the reason we're excited about the inflation reduction act is it's going to lower the costs that americans are facing every day, especially in a climate where there's been a lot of inflation. so when you look at what the bill is going to do, for example, to reduce the cost of prescription drugs, allowing medicare to negotiate directly with pharmaceutical companies. the pharma companies fought that, but the administration was able to get that through. it's not going to happen overnight, but it's making a big difference and one of many things that makes me proud to be part of this administration.

-well, there is one thing we know for sure -- it's great that joe biden's approval rating is on the rise and there's no need for the party in 2024 to rally behind a young, vibrant, gay, transformative political figure. -[ chuckles ] that's right. we have a great president. -mm-hmm. i mean, where would we even find someone like that? like, that person i mentioned? i mean, they don't even exist. it's impossible. and even if we did find them, would they have the courage to seize this singular moment in history? -or just a great day job that they want to, you know, continue doing. -mm-hmm. well, luckily, we don't have to worry about that. we're not in an ironic divine hell where the better we do at our job, the better it is for our boss and the further we get from fulfilling our destiny. -right. -exactly. we're on the exact same page, bestie. let's talk about republican governor ron desantis lying to migrants and transporting them to predominantly liberal enclaves. ugh! i'd kill for a lobster roll right now. obviously, this demonstrates a profound level of cruelty and lack of empathy. so is he now a lock for the republican nomination?

-well, you know, i would like to think that mainstream republicans out there across the country are as troubled by what's happening as the rest of us. i know that's not always true. we've seen a lot of extremism. but we also see, i would like to think, some common ground in the idea that you got asylum seekers from venezuela fleeing a repressive communist regime -- that they ought to be treated with respect. these aren't political pawns. they're human beings. -you know, honestly, i am surprised to hear you answer with such vitriol. i like to say when they go low, we go high. by the way, "hi" is what people say to ron desantis when they realize he's not a tugboat wearing a suit. i'm serious. we need to rise above. just like ron desantis rises above what's considered a normal human torso-to-leg ratio. we got to turn the other cheek, which should be easy for ron desantis, considering he appears to be made entirely of ass cheek. now, i know you're singularly focused on your dream job, transportation secretary,

but polls show that you would be a strong candidate for president. and president biden recently told scott pelley, who i see at the gym a lot... -my intention, as i said to began with, is that i would run again. but it's just an intention. but is it a firm decision that i run again? that remains to be seen. -if president biden announces that he's not seeking another term, how far into the word "not" will you announce your candidacy? will you wait for the "t," or is america looking for a leader who jumps in on the "o"? -so, i'm expecting that the president will run again, and i'm looking forward to supporting him. i'm also completely focused on this job. it is the most demanding time that i can imagine for the work that we do. -um, just so you know, our graphics director, lindsay, worked really hard on the graphic announcing your candidacy for president, and she's going to be really bummed that we're not using it. does that change your calculus at all? -it's generally not the kind of thing that would go into a decision about that sort of thing.

but i appreciate hearing about that. -okay, well, at the very least, can you please look into the camera and tell lindsay how sorry you are for wasting her time? and, by the way, you should really go for it because she worked on the graphic on her birthday. -uh, sure. lindsay, i'm so sorry. and happy belated birthday. -secretary buttigieg, we're all done. thank you for your time. and also thank you for taking care of the tickets i got for driving in the carpool lane alone. when you do the emotional labor of ten men, your car is full, hunty! -um, probably not technically how the high-occupancy vehicle lanes work with the whole carpooling thing. you really want to have more than one person there. -i really thought you would understand emotional labor. -yeah. -i really thought you would. when we return, my touching tribute to a brave feminist crusader who's been fighting the good fight ever since 2022 -- liz cheney. -follow "tooning out the news" on twitter, instagram, facebook, and tiktok for exclusive content.

here's a good halloween trick. buy a bunch of reese's. (uh huh, there you go) on twitter, instagram, facebook, and tiktok turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah) ( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's. have you seen my new phone yet? it like, folds in half. i would never switch to samsung, i love my phone. what??? ♪♪ (...it folds in half.) you see i love my phone.

i would never switch to samsuuu... (gasping) ♪♪

♪♪ -welcome back. before we go, the january 6th committee is wrapping up their historic hearings which have already transformed thousands of enthusiastic democratic voters to extremely enthusiastic democratic voters.

and as we await trump's tearful surrender to a supermax prison, there's one progressive icon who deserves all of our gratitude. -liz cheney has been courageous. liz cheney has integrity. -she was so brave and noble. -i think she's fearless. i really admire her. -i admire liz cheney. -you have to admire her courage. -her courage, for her patriotism. -she reminds us of brave republicans in the past like abraham lincoln. -yes! liz cheney and abraham lincoln are like two sides of the same coin. lincoln abolished slavery, and she endorsed the supreme court justices trying to bring it back. sure, liz and i don't agree on everything. she refused to denounce birtherism, defends torture, including waterboarding, and, when trump was president, voted with him 92.9% of the time. all truly unforgivable acts, but by the allied power vested in me, i hereby forgive her on behalf of all of her victims,

because she descended into the sacred baptismal waters of calling trump bad. and that's why she's tonight's... good night, everyo! [♪♪] and then i hear this rabbi on television. i mean, imagine. i'm really sorry, george. i-i-i wasn't jealous of you. it was just the whole... marriage thing. you know, i was just a little surprised. why would anyone eat canned fruit? i mean, can anybody answer that? what about all the "loser" stuff? i don't know where the rabbi got that. you know, i never said that. i said, "i've never seen you looser." jerry: i could see the can if you're in the army.

but fresh fruit, it's available. it's there. it's two aisles over. well, scintillating as always. where you going? i'm going shopping with susan. what kind of shopping? -clothes shopping. -where you going? -ross'. -that's a nice store. it's her uncle's. ah. discount? one would hope. when your v-neck looks more like a u-neck, that's when you know, it's half-washed. downy has 7 benefits that condition and smooth fibers so clothes look newer, longer. feel the difference with downy.