girl scout. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> new york knows, maybe i have a new york knows. >> listen, someone has used this as a urinal, i can clearly smell it. >> tired of the smell. y'all want to smell that? smell that fragrance? [laughs] >> the only thing i smell right now is pot because i smell some weed. someone is smoking -- [laughs] someone is smoking -- [laughs] do you smell that? ♪ >> announcer: from comedy central this is steven colbert presents sou show.

presents "tooning out the news." tonight on "tooning out the news" -- "hot take" warns congresswoman cori bush that trump's january 6th subpoena will cause another capitol invasion when our nation's gin-soaked lawyers rush to join his leg team. and virtue signal discusses barack obama's criticism of cancel culture calling it a well-intentioned misstep for which he should be banished forever. but first, in the battle for congress, americans are staring the growing third of fascism directly in the eyes and saying, hey, you wanna move in together? and i have a very real phone call with herschel walker. ♪ ♪ good evening. i'm james smartwood and i would trust the future of this planet in the hands of whoever does tom brady's plastic surgery. the top story tonight -- with just 20 days until the election, republicans are offering a slate of candidates with only enough brain cells needed to salute an authoritarian strong man and, according to polls, voters are kind of digging it. one of those republicans virtually tied with his opponent is georgia's senate candidate

herschel walker who receives a daily briefing on who he is and what he's doing here. he is currently defending brandishing a police badge at a debate in an effort to steal valor from america's most noble profession. >> that's a badge that i was given by the police officer and i do have the badge. >> you have it? >> i carry it with me all the time. it's a real badge. it's not a fake badge. it's a real badge. this badge gave me the right if -- wait. let me finish. if anything happened in this county, i have the right to work with the police and get things done. >> if you didn't already know herschel walker was a cop, you could have deduced it from his history of domestic violence allegations. walker is just one of the self-appointed administrators of state aggression among the majority of republican nominees 291 in all who have denied or questioned the outcome of the last presidential election. i assume questioning the same way cheetahs are simply questioning a gazelle. and, yet, despite these candidates' unamerican tendencies americans tend to love them, according to cbs news polling showing them inching ahead. the good news is, if these

people are in congress, they're not ruining their daughter's wedding by announcing joe biden is the antichrist. joining me now to crack a news egg in the fact flour, form some truth dough and enjoy a plate of fresh headline-ilini is democratic strategist who has talked about bill and hillary's marriage and therapy more than her own, lydia parker. >> good evening. >> chief washington bureau chief whose every member of his paternal line died driving a saab into a creek, jonathan keene. >> hello. >> chief field correspondent still working on telling the difference between helicopters and big bugs, james smartwood junior. >> hey, dad. >> hey, junior. >> plus, "new york times" columnist who sends his friends 1,200-word essays on why they should have a great birthday, charles blow. thank you for joining us, charles. >> nice to be here. >> charles, what is your take on this shockingly even battle for congress? keeping in mind this recording will some day be used against us in a very brief trial in a stadium. >> well, i see it this way, that people cannot maintain anger and rage, and that's not political. that's just a human psychological issue.

we realized that we had reached our max in the trump years and we are seeing it play out again in the midterms. it's not that people don't care about democracy. it's that they cannot maintain the rage necessary to champion that cause above all else, but other things feel more immediate and more urgent, like paying the bills, paying the rent, buying a new house and affording the mortgage. >> i'm just so confused as to how the richest country in the world with the most powerful army in history could fall prey to a governing philosophy blending capitalism and state violence. >> i don't like republicans sudden overt push towards fascism. i prefer the more subtle creep of the past several decades. >> now, i know what's going on here, every democrat is locked in some kind of hell wherein they must perpetually debate a chaos monster phantasm who they're trailing by one point. >> sure. let's talk about what a republican congress would look like. georgia republican congresswoman marjorie taylor greene took a break from mailing pipe bombs to

"the new york times" to do a glossy interview with the "new york times." she wasted no time and plunged into offering thinly veiled political threats. i think that to be the best speaker of the house and to please the base, kevin mccarthy is gonna have to give me a lot of power and a lot of leeway, she predicted in a flat unemotional voice. and if he doesn't, they're going to be very unhappy about it. charles, if marjorie taylor greene's wing of the republican caucus controls the house, what can we expect besides weekly mandatory national viewings of the original "little mermaid"? >> i think marjorie taylor greene understands what kevin mccarthy will have to do as much as kevin mccarthy does. he has, if he wants to be the speaker, he has to reflect the base of the party and the base of the party wants vengeance. so that is what they're going to do. they're going to launch as many investigations as they can. they're going to make them as public as they can. they're going to try to make the last two years of the biden administration as embarrassing for him as they can and use that as a way to try to win their way back into the white house. >> the only way to stop marjorie

taylor greene is to lay a pull-up bar in her path and hope she exercises herself stupid. >> you know, i look forward to joe biden hologramming himself into multiple concurrent impeachment hearings. >> that's gonna be fun for sure. wait. hold on. sorry, gang. sorry, charles. i just remembered that there's something i've got to take care of here. >> oh, what is it? what's going on? >> it's just i got my laptop stolen out of my car last night and i've got to call the police before i forget. >> oh, no. >> hold on one second here. >> sure. >> hello? >> mr. walker, hey, this is james smartwood from "big news." do you have a second to chat? >> what paper are you with now? >> it's "big news." basically what i wanted to do is i wanted to report a crime. i left my window down on my car last night. someone stole my laptop out of the passenger seat and so i'm just trying to figure out if there's any way in your -- as someone who's a law enforcement person, if there's any way you can take a look at it. >> well, i'll tell you what i'll do is we'll report your thing

and all that and staff. i think that'll be great. what we'll do is -- you got a number i can call? >> yeah, sure. one second. it's [ bleep ]. >> wait, wait, wait. let me get paper. >> sure. now, i mean if it is something you could take care of -- is it something where you could go down there and kind of get some fingerprints, check out the security cameras and all that? >> you said [ bleep ]. >> uh-huh. >> okay. >> [ bleep ]. >> but the -- you know, i'm just trying -- the main thing, though, is that i want to get to this laptop. is there any chance you can hop in the squad car, you know, flick on the sirens, come down here, or maybe, like, go undercover or something? >> what can you do? can you do anything? >> no. i mean, i'm not -- i'm not actually -- you know, i don't have the authority. >> let me call you then at this number. >> that sounds great. all right. thank you, sir. i gave him the wrong number. i don't want him having my number. >> yeah, oh, absolutely not. >> now, i'm going to go see "avatar" again. i still don't get it at all.

so that's all the time we have. thank you to my analysts and "tooning out the news" contributor, charles blow. thank you so much, charles. >> thank you. virtue signal is up next. kylie, are you pretending to care about an issue for social clout, even though it means nothing to you? >> that's right, james. barack obama thinks democrats need to lighten up on cancel culture. but will he still think that when i enlist an army of white women to tell him that lighten up is a colorist insult? that's ahead on "tooning out the news." for people living with h-i-v, keep being you. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights h-i-v

to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. research shows people who take h-i-v treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit h-i-v through sex. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you.

when your v-neck looks more like a u-neck, that's when you know, it's half-washed. downy has 7 benefits that condition and smooth fibers so clothes look newer, longer. feel the difference with downy. we'll make a new bet around every two seconds. not only on the game, but on the game of life. betting that love is just a swipe away. ♪♪ betting on picking up that curious hitch hiker carrying a bowling bag. ♪♪ and betting that he doesn't turn out to be a corn hole prodigy. every moment is life is a bet, but life doesn't offer $150 in free bets when you bet just $5. so bet on america's #1 sportsbook, fanduel, and make every moment more.

♪ calm app, your insurance doesn't cover therapy, so try rain sounds. tonight, barack obama says cancel culture hurts democrats' election chances, ignoring how it cuts down on choice paralysis when liberals drum candidates out of the public sphere. this is virtue signal. ♪ ♪ >> i'm kylie weaver, and today i fought anti-semitism by donatingly my yeezies to mandy patinkin. top story, y'all -- future president michelle obama's husband, barack obama, can do no wrong in my eyes. that's why i stood by him during

his biggest scandal -- wearing a tan suit and bombing a hospital. but i cannot support him appearing with my ear husbands, the "pod save america" boys and denouncing liberal's most effective tool, holding voters to a standard so high that republicans can easily limbo under it to political domination. >> sometimes people just want to not feel as if they are walking on eggshells and they want some acknowledge that life is messy and that all of us at any given moment can, you know, say things the wrong way, you know, make mistakes. michelle talks about her mother, my mother-in-law, and, as michelle points out, she's 86. you know, and sometimes trying to get the right phraseology when talking about issues, michelle's like, that's like her trying to learn spanish, and that's okay. >> wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. learning spanish is not that

hard. i did it during a semester abroad in barcelona. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden communication director who can seamlessly pivot your story about your kid's illness to the jobs report, jordan polce. >> good evening. >> former dnc chair who thinks anybody who keeps the curtains on their bay window open after dusk is running a whorehouse, charlotte fitzgerald. >> hello. >> and lincoln project senior adviser with eyes too small for contacts and face too crooked for glasses, troy lawson. >> hi, there. >> okay, panel, let's just say it. obama took a direct shot at all of us here at virtue signal. >> i do. >> it's disrespectful to say the least. >> oh, yeah, i do. >> it's honestly all i think, most of my days. >> you know, obama is betraying the time-honored democratic tradition of winnerless infighting. >> walking on eggshells actually feels amazing on the bottom of your feet. i did it at a retreat in big sur. >> there are perfect people in this world and you're looking at them, except for troy.

>> no rebuttal here. you're looking at three angles at a sentient clogged sink. >> i'm sorry to say, barack heussin obama for the crime of suggesting we should focus more on fighting fascism and less on haranguing people who don't have an up-to-the-minute grasp on what twitter says the right words are, ya canceled bish. >> whoo! get out of here. that's right, bish, ya canceled. >> also michelle obama's mom, ya canceled, bish. >> oh, yes, that one i can never get behind. she canceled. bye-bye. good riddance. see you later. i do not like the woman older than me. >> now, moving on. desperate republicans are reaching in the bottom of the barrel and attacking democrats on the top issue -- inflation. in response, the biden administration deployed my ride or die, pete buttigieg, who showed why he's transportation secretary with a scenic roundabout answer. >> our focus has been on reducing the pressure of cost of living on families. for example, take the inflation reduction act. part of what that does at a time when we have pressure on people

because the cost of living is going too high is to cut the cost of things like prescription drugs. we strongly believe that we should continue in the direction of prioritizing not tax loopholes for billionaires not corporate profits, but allowing americans to be able to get by with the income they're making. >> good on pete for not going after the easy target of corporate price gouging and instead focusing on easing the burden on consumers so they have more money to be gouged. >> you know, i'm glad he keeps mentioning the cost of prescription drugs because i need my adderall, okay. i use it to barter for food and gas. >> buttigieg also doesn't mention that rising interest rates will drastically slow the economy and raise unemployment. i'm sure he's just doing that because he's so modest about how good it is. >> uh-huh. okay, look, good for the biden administration for sending out buttigieg to defend their biggest campaign weakness with as many weapons as buttigieg was allowed to carry in afghanistan.

just look at how at ease he is. >> for example, take the inflation reduction act. it was facing a real risk that was even worse. quoted to me -- it would make clear -- the inflation reduction act. >> good on pete for modelling good recession behavior by switching his diet to super-dry survival bread. when "tooning out the news" returns, "hot take" defends trump ignoring the january 6th committee subpoena like it was a missed call from eric. plus, democratic rock star cori bush. stick around. ugh, you guys, i feel a little bad about canceling michelle obama's mom. >> kylie, you gotta do you, girl. >> announcer: "tooning out the news" the podcast is available thursdays on your platform of thursdays on your platform of choice.

there's one thing everyone wants. we all want the incredible new iphone 14 pro. now at t-mobile. and t-mobile gives you apple tv+ included. get iphone 14 pro on us.

and t-mobile gives you apple tv+ included. when our daughter and her kids moved in with us... our bargain detergent couldn't keep up. turns out it's mostly water. so, we switched back to tide. one wash, stains are gone. [daughter] slurping don't pay for water. pay for clean. it's got to be tide. himalayan sea salt, prove

it's not. hey, it's the host who puts up a fight when someone tries to clip my nails, but i know it needs to be done, tyler templeton. alongside co-host whose favorite movie genre is christian father triumphs by never changing, bonnie davis. co-host and bone-in meatloaf inventor susan shepherd. and co-host noodling on the guitar in the equinox locker room, austin sparks. herschel walker's badge is just as real as the rice krispies crumb stuck to the back of it. this is "hot take." ♪ ♪ >> what's up my sand-trap nap boys? top story -- the january 6th dumb-mit-tee has subpoenaed our savior donald trump, a move eerily reminiscent of the romans subpoenaing jesus while he was draining ketchup onto his omelette at his bethlehem golf resort. to show he won't even dignify the proceedings with a 15-page response, president trump released a 14-page response reading -- had even a small percentage of national guard or fencing been there, there would have been no problem.

january 6th would have been just another date. yeah, if congress had just put up some fencing, the rioters wouldn't have gotten to the other fencing they easily destroyed. now, here to discuss is democratic congresswoman and member of the missouri liberal coastal elite, cori bush. her new book is "the forerunner: a story of pain and perseverance in america." what's up, congresswoman? >> hey, now i'm part of the coastal elite. i live in st. louis. that's missouri. it's in the middle of the count. >> hey, that could be the middle's the coast to the coast in a sense. anyhow, congresswoman, you're staunchly against the prison industrial complex. are you now going to say that there should be different rules for presidents who commit crimes? >> absolutely no. so thanks to the work of the january 6th committee that i support, under the leadership of bennie thompson, who's been doing an amazing job, we know more today about the premeditated -- it was a violent supremacist attack, white

supremacist attack on our capitol and we know more about the role that donald trump, who is not our savior -- >> what? >> -- played in inciting it. the work this committee has engaged in, including the subpoena request, which we are so happy about, it's important towards getting accountability. >> okay. so it's okay for the left to police our speech, but it's wrong for the right to give a concussed capitol policeman a speech impediment? double standard much? >> trump did everything he could to reduce the violence that day. instead of letting the rioters all rip off each other's heads, he told them to focus on only ripping off his one vice president's head. >> moving on. we are 20 days from the republicans decisively taking over congress, assuming our freak candidates hold off the voices in their heads telling them to rob a bank, and the democrats are stalker-level obsessed with the abortion issue as if it's a bad thing to hit the open road with some friends and belt out the classics to distract you from your ectopic hemorrhage.

congresswoman, as you recount in your book, this issue is personal to you. why are democrats focussed on abortion instead of bigger, unrelated issues like how inflation is making diapers unaffordable? >> it's not a bigger issue. it's another issue. so we can't get caught up in the trap of thinking that groups of voters only care about a single issue because we don't lead single-issue lives. and that's why democrats all across our country are communicating on why we're working to improve people's lives and how we're working to improve people's lives daily. while republicans are trying to divide us with one issue or another and we know what will happen if they take power. they could give tax cuts to billionaires. that's what they want to do. that's policy violence and we won't allow them to harm our communities. >> i thought the democrats were all about protecting minorities, yet they lose their g.d. minds when the supreme court bravely lifts up the minority of americans who think women are sentient baby fast pitch machines.

moving on, alex jones has been ordered to pay a billion dollars to the sandy hook families for the supposed crime of ruining their lives for profit. jones is protecting his assets by filing for bankruptcy, a savvy tactic i would like to hear more about. joining me now is attorney and certified bankruptcy law specialist mark j. marcus. welcome to "hot take." can i call you mark mark for i hear you're in california. so how's the weather? nice down there? >> it's nice, a little cloudy at the moment, but it's nice. >> i don't have time for this shit. i got real problems. if they could charge alex jones a billion for a few off-handed campaigns of terror, then i am screwed. here are a few of the things i have said. i said michael j. fox is faking it and made coasters promoting the theory. i told everyone that butt chugging arm and hammer laundry detergent conclusively reversed all stage four cancers. i wrote that ben affleck and j.lo's wedding reception featured a sick game where they killed me. so marcus mark, walk me through

how i can bankrupt my company slander's hero slander heros. sorry. marcus mark, walk me through how i can bankrupt my company slander heros, llc, to protect my assets. >> well, it doesn't actually work like that. >> shit. >> i mean, any corporation can file a bankruptcy case and try to retain its assets and continue in business. it needs to, of course, follow all the rules and creditors get to vote for or against whatever plan that you're proposing. a corporation always has to repay at least as much as the value of its assets. so you don't just get to walk away from the assets and you don't get to just use the assets for whatever you want like you're saying alex jones is planning on using money to fund his -- you know, defeat the fraud campaign, which is unlikely to be allowed in a bankruptcy court setting. >> all right. you can find mark mark at bklaw.com, which i presume is short for burger king law. mark, thanks for the advice.

and why are you still here? go hide all my assets now. get out of here, mark. hurry. oh, my god. no. mark, go. >> all right. >> thank you, but get out of here. no. close your laptop. oh, my god. okay. thank you to my co-host and guest congresswoman cori bush. thanks, congresswoman. >> thank you. now when "tooning out the news" returns, another exclusive preview of the nut busting race baiting conservative late night show "sparks." stick around. >> announcer: follow "tooning >> announcer: follow "tooning out the news" on face the long-lasting scent of gain flings made it smell like dave was in his happy place -

the massage chair at the mall. [ping] but... he wasn't. gain flings with oxi boost and febreze. bye bye tough odors, try gain odor defense.

it's not one of those amicable divorces. i try not to be in the same time zone. it's clooney versus roberts. okay, let's go. it's a mystery, you're still alone.

at least when i date it's age appropriate. see you again. never. hopefully not that soon. i'm pretty sure you don't win anything for finishing the whole pig. you used to do sleep karate. i wasn't asleep. -i was attacking you. there you go. who won? -it wasn't a competition. exclusive content. hey, welcome back. before we go, austin, can you give us a preview of "sparks"? >> sure can, amigo. for those who have been living under a rock, i'm also the host of "tooning out the news'" hit, no one is safe, late night show "sparks," and tonight's episode is literally off the chain. we send marco rubio to a hippy coffee shop with a kale detecter. then sproing! it's jon gosselin's turn in the boner mobile. finally, we're gonna make fun of a pig while it's asleep. that's tonight on "sparks." and, hey, don't forget to subscribe to the "sparkscast" on the ear deuce radio network and leave us a five-vodka tampon review. wiki-wiki-wild. >> the sound quality was all

screwed up last episode and i loved it. good night, everyone. i hosted a photo shop jane fonda riding on epstein's plane challenge. a lot of great entries. - ♪ mtv ♪ - welcome to the distant future. [chuckles] this is pretty neat because the state of nevada has given us-- rented us a virtual reality system, which is for training purposes. you can be in-- travis, where are you now? - yeah, it's not just a target range. it's like a--i'm in, like, an inner city neighborhood. we cross the street up going into the bike. - shit. - sorry. - shit. - sorry. whoa, really scary guy! - scary guy! [all screaming] - scary guy! - get down! [ener- whoo-hoo!music] - [yelps] ♪ ♪