- i cleared up the table, mom. i'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. - eric, how would you like to go with me to see "madame butterfly" friday night? - no, that's okay. besides, i told stan and kyle we could work on our science project then. - well, what if i took you to kentucky fried chicken afterward and then we'll go to target and i'll buy you a mega ranger. - could i perhaps have... two mega rangers? - yes, darling. you can have whatever you want. - [opera plays] >> announcer: coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight... another prime minister gone again. gas stations are selling weed. and tyler james williams! this is "the daily show with trevor noah"!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> trevor: hey, what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah, thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out in person. so good to see you! take a seat, everybody! take a seat. take a seat. wow. this feels amazing. i feel like i've met you before. this is wonderful. we've got a great show for you tonight. coronavirus has a fun new side effect, britain loses another queen, and we will find out why florida now has the greatest gas stations of all time. so let's do this, people. let's jump straight into today's headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] all right, i'm gonna be honest, people. with all the news that happened today, i don't think we have

enough space in today's show. we tried everything to pack it all in. we tried to tighten it. i even put the news on a crash diet so it would get small enough to fit, but those diets don't work so now there's more news than ever. and i've got a pantry full of tummy tea. the point is, we just don't have the time. fortunately, not enough time is just enough time for a segment we call, "ain't nobody got time for that." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with an old school story that's an update on the coronavirus pandemic, or as we call it now, just life. now that pretty much everyone has gotten through covid at least seven times, scientists are wondering what that's doing to our bodies. and the answer is not great. >> we have some more concerning news now about the long-term impact of covid-19. a study shows that it speeds up aging. >> an epidemiology expert from washington university in st. louis studied long covid's impacts on your organs. in his research, he noticed patterns indicating the kidneys, the brain, and the heart all age

faster after a bout with the virus. >> trevor: yeah, that's right. researchers say covid can cause your organs to age faster than you are. and i'm not even sure what that means. i guess you turn on the tv to "euphoria" and your kidneys are like, "what about "blue bloods?" no, for real, this is disturbing news. fighting covid is so difficult that it ages your body parts. i mean, that is a great excuse for the next time you can't perform in bed, though. "baby, you got to understand, my penis is, like, 85!" this is the scary thing about covid. because it's a novel virus, we still don't know what the long-term side effects might be. what sucks is that it's always going to be bad. we know it's always going to be bad. like, viruses never have good side effects. news anchors are never like, "breaking news. we're learning now that 9 out of 10 people suffering from long covid get those sexy v things. that is hot." now if we had more time, we

could talk about the longterm strain covid is going to put on the medical system, or how weird organs are in general. like, why do we have so many? why don't we just have one big one that runs everything? but we can't get into that important medical discussion, because while covid has new ways of attacking our bodies, the virus of russia, vladimir putin, has found new ways to attack ukraine. >> tonight, a third of ukraine is without power. russia destroyed power stations in the last eight days. russia has thrown the country into massive blackouts and is urging his nation to brace for a tough winter. >> for the last month, russia is targeting ukraine's electricity grid, especially substations. that serve as junction points between cities. >> just yesterday, russia unleashed these, a swarm of kamikaze drones to dive-bomb energy facilities throughout the city. >> trevor: yeah, after being beaten back by ukraine's forces on the ground, putin has resorted to using kamikaze drones. catty bitch.

if this doesn't prove that his strategy is failing, nothing will. you never need to use kamikaze when you are winning. any time you see someone rushing with their hands full of paper towels, you know someone is not going according to plan. "oh, shit, oh, shit!" just by the way, though, we got to stop calling these things "kamikaze" drones, okay? if it's not a person inside, it's not a kamikaze. it is ghostwriting the with. and kamikaze is from japan, so this is war crimes and cultural appropriation. so you're canceled, vladimir putin! yeah, let's see if twitter will do what the u.n. could not. by the way, an interesting detail in the story is that russia had to buy these drones from iran, which kind of makes you question their military might. you are supposed to be one of the most powerful militaries in the world but you ran out of shit already? you realize america never runs out of weapons. never. america has so many weapons, sometimes it sells weapons to countries that it's going to fight just to make space.

here you go, iraq. let's do this! if we had more time, we could talk about russia's access to weapons tells us that the global sanctions aren't as global as we think, because they still have ties to asia, south america, and the middle east. or we could talk about how the ukraine war is completely derailing not just ukraine but also europe's economy and the energy supplies but we don't have time to get into that because while ukraine is in turmoil, there's another country in europe that is somehow even more of a shit situation today. great britain. that is one story we definitely need to make time for. >> breaking across the pond, a political earthquake. just 44 days. that is how long prime minister liz truss was in office before resigning just in the last few hours. >> i recognize, though, given the situation, i cannot deliver the mandate on which i was elected by the conservative party. >> this makes truss now the shortest serving prime minister in 301 years. >> trevor: god damn, britain,

another prime minister? another prime minister? this one lasted 44 days. boris johnson had covid parties that were longer than that. you realize how hard it is to get tired of someone this quickly? usually, politicians get a period of time you like them first and then you hate them. but britain hated liz truss basically from day one. imagine being on a first date and they're like, "ugh, i'm so sick of all your shit." "but we just met!" "i know, and i'm suffocating!" actually, if this was a relationship, at this point, britain's friends would be sitting down with it, like, listen, honey, you have been through four prime ministers in six years. they can't all be the problem. i'm just saying, maybe it is time to turn the vote of no confidence on yourself, yeah? in fact, for the next prime minister, maybe the u.k. should take things a little slow.

you know, this is chaos. for the next one, maybe don't put a label on it. there's so much pressure. the prime minister. maybe just have them be the person who lives at 10 downing street. in fact, don't even live there. just sleep over here and there. then, maybe leave a toothbrush behind, and then they get a drawer for their clothes and then when you are sure that this is the prime minister for you, then you bring them to meet your friends at the g7. how about that? you know, like, yeah, we are a thing now. we are a thing. [applause] oh, and by the way, remember the reason liz truss lost her job is because she came into office making worse decisions in a company's social media manager during black history month. terrible budget plans, firing finance minister, going back on her own policies, sending the queen to meet jesus. things were going so badly, so badly, that the british press trolled her with vegetables.

>> a sign of just how tenuous her standing was or perhaps or brutal u.k. politics can be, a british newspaper began tracking a head of lettuce to see if the embattled truss would last longer than they produce and it did. >> trevor: that is humiliating. imagine being so bad at your job that you lose a joke contest. at first, people were like, "ha ha, i bet she can't last longer than a head of lettuce," and by the end they were like, "should the lettuce be prime minister?" maybe the lettuce will be the only one that wants the job because right now, britain's parliament sounds more chaotic than a family reunion at herschel walker's house. >> yesterday was a shambolic day for her. we heard that her interior mister, the home secretary, had resigned over an issue of improper use of her emails and later we heard that she had in fact been fired and then there was a vote in the house of commons, which descended into

chaos. some lawmakers allege that government officials were actually physically pushing them, intimidating them into making decisions that they wouldn't otherwise have made. one lawmaker even alleged that some mps were crying in the toilets of the house of commons. >> trevor: what a shit show. did you hear that people were crying, swearing, quitting, unquitting! it's like the whole government turned into a high school drama club rehearsal. i mean, members of parliament were crying in the toilet! multiple members of parliament! like, how many? was there a line? "are you almost done in there? other people are waiting to cry too, you know! it's coming out! hurry, it's coming out!" is actually too bad this happened in britain and not in japan because at least japanese toilets are so advanced, they can probably actually help and console you.

[sobbing] >> there, there, trevor, you're doing the best you can. >> trevor: thanks, toto. >> don't forget to wipe. >> trevor: i'll remember. >> wiping is very important. remember what happened last time. >> trevor: shut the [bleep] up! >> you got that big rash. >> trevor: just shut up! you are not helping. [crying] you know -- [cheers and applause] the craziest part of this whole story is that liz truss only became prime minister because boris johnson was embroiled in so many scandals that he was forced to resign. that's the only reason she got the job. so you will never guess who might be replacing her. >> the big issue, though, for the conservative party and for this country is that no one really knows who is going to be able to replace her.

there are a number of names in the mix, including, i have to say, boris johnson, who is currently on holiday, on vacation at the moment in the caribbean. >> there are a number of conservative party members who are calling for boris johnson to return to the helm. >> i went to my constituency at the weekend, the strong message i got was bring back boris johnson. >> some supporters and allies of boris johnson say that he may throw his name into the ring, which would be pretty remarkable since he was forced out by scandal just six or seven weeks ago. >> trevor: oh, that's right, people. old boris johnson is looking pretty good right now, isn't he? not physically, of course. physically, he looks like a pomeranian who got stuck in the dryer. politically though, not bad. here's an honest question: britain, are you guys really gonna put boris back in office? boris "scandals" johnson? there is nobody else who could do this job?

nobody in the entire country? what about paddington? everybody loves him. but that voice, he could have bad policies, no one would care. "i want to burn all the migrants." aw, you crazy tyrant. if we had more time, we could place bets on who will be next. but we don't have time because we have to go to an ad break that's gonna last longer than liz truss.

[cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." let's take a moment to talk about marijuana. aka, weed. chronic. the devil's kale. george w. kush. whatever you call it, weed is becoming more and more mainstream in america, and is now legal in some form in 37 states. and while most people have to head to a specialized dispensary to pick up some rocky broccoli, in florida, soon you'll be able to get it while you're doing your usual errands. >> you can soon buy weed at the gas station. circle k convenience stores in florida will sell cannabis next year. they hope it will make marijuana more mainstream. customers will need special cards, though, to buy their weed. florida only allows

medical marijuana sales but, hey, stop by the old corner store, pick up some weed and fill up your tank. >> trevor: stop by the old corner store, pick up some weed, fill up your tank. florida is becoming the first state in the country to sell weed at gas stations. and i know some people don't think weed should be this easily accessible, but let's be honest, it's probably gonna be the healthiest thing they're selling at a gas station. now you just got to reach past the slim jims and the unregulated boner pills and you can find something with some actual nutrients! the thing that surprised me most about this story is that it's happening in florida. you have to admit, people, florida has range. sometimes, it's all, "crt turned my kids trans! let's deport the illegals!" then, other times it's like, "what if every oil change came with a free blunt?" this state has so many layers,

and we should appreciate that before they all get washed away into the ocean. for more on this story, we now go live to desi lydic, who is at a circle k in tallahassee, florida. desi lydic, everybody! desi, this seems like such a momentous moment. our customers excited about this new development? >> yeah, yeah... the what? the development? > trevor: yes, the news about gas stations in florida selling weed. it's the story we sent you down there to cover? >> oh, okay. i was trying to remember what i came here for. >> trevor: hold on, desi are you -- is that gas that you're just spraying everywhere? what is that? >> oh, i guess so. yeah, i was filling up my tank right over there. and then you called, and i was

like, "oh, shit, trevor's calling me, i got to do tv," so, and then, that's why i'm at the gas station. >> trevor: no, no, you're at the gas station to cover the story about them selling weed! >> oh, yeah! no, they're selling weed right over there -- >> trevor: desi, jesus! stop spraying the gasoline everywhere! desi, have you been smoking weed? >> what? no! oh, my god, trevor, i'm at work, that would be so unprofessional! >> trevor: oh, good. it just seems like you -- >> oh, wait, maybe i have been smoking weed. >> trevor: is that a joint? wait, desi, don't do that! desi! >> [coughing] >> trevor: oh, shit! desi, are you okay?

>> goddamn, this weed hits hard! >> trevor: okay, desi, we're calling a cab for you. desi lydic, everyone. when we come back, i'm gonna be talking to one of the stars of one of everyone's favorite shows, "abbott elementary." tyler james williams. you don't want to miss it. [cheers and applause] natalie, do you know if your kids are home from school yet?

like, are your kids home safe? did something happen to them? [phone vibrates] [ding] with advanced ai object detection and up to 4k resolution. you can protect your everything with arlo. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy-nominated actor who stars in the hit show "abbott elementary," which is now in its second season and airs wednesdays on abc. >> what do you think happened to the ice cube? >> i love bingo! >> this is not the first time he has disrupted my class. from what i understand, he is obsessed with a show about australian dogs. i've tried everything to keep him in line. gotten to the point where his classmates are annoyed. do you know how hard it is to annoy a first grader? >> bingo! bingo, bingo! bingo, bingo! >> everybody, eyes up here. >> bluey. >> bluey. the show is called "bluey."

>> trevor: please welcome tyler james williams! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ tyler james williams, welcome to "the daily show." >> it's good to be here. >> trevor: it's great to see you here. that's yours. you can take the mug with you. one of the perks. first of all, congratulations on all of your success, your continued success. i fell in love with you as an actor on "everybody hates chris." i've been following you ever since. it was so good to see you. i mean, you obviously have done cameos in other shows and you have played other parts. but "abbott elementary" is a force. you've got an emmy nomination for it, congratulations on that as well. [cheers and applause] you have been phenomenal. the whole cast is phenomenal. you know what's amazing about

the show, isn't just the fact that it is a network show that everyone said -- everyone said network is dead. comedies, nobody wants anymore, people want procedurals. and you've brought a show that people watch live, that people watch together, people want to speak about the next day. what do you think is part of the reason the show is so successful and resonates? >> i think people want to feel good, man. i think after 2020, what has continued to be the pandemic, and our political climate, i think we found a lot that we can be mad about, and a lot of things we can yell at each other about, but not much we can laugh about together. this is one of those shows that kind of brings people together and you can talk about it the day after and kind of laugh at what we know to be a broken educational system. but if we can't laugh about it, then what? is kind of the same concept of what you have here. now that i see it. >> trevor: this thing right here? >> this thing right here.

>> trevor: what i have loved about the show is how beloved has been in the education space. teachers love their show. on multiple occasions, "abbott elementary" has for instance giving away its marketing budget to buy supplies for teachers around the country to raise awareness how they are not getting paid enough or they don't have enough. the stories talk about what is happening in the american schooling system. but with grace. i think that is one of the things i'm really appreciating is it's not a mockery of teachers. >> no. >> trevor: it doesn't shit on anybody but it's really honest in people's failings. >> yeah. if we can't look at where we are right now, and make some kind of commentary on it that isn't incredibly divisive, then i don't know what we're doing. that is what network tv is supposed to do, it is woven into the fabric of american culture. we have always sat down together and watched something and talked about it at the water cooler. so the american sitcom kind of can't die. if the american sitcom dies, we are [bleep]. >> trevor: you know, it's actually interesting you say that, because i was talking to a friend about this the other day and i was saying, people take for granted how powerful and how connective it was to have shows that people shared. you share reality, you share

experience, you share something that brings people together as opposed to politics which always divides people. you have been in this business forever, since you were 4. >> since i was 4. >> trevor: you are normal, though. >> enough. i am normal enough. >> i really like the work, man. i really like telling stories and representing people, and empathizing with characters and going into people's living rooms week to week. you are great but this is the part they pay me for, you know, the press stuff is what they make me -- send me out to do. >> trevor: they force you to do this. >> ultimately. i am so happy to be here. you are a great time. don't take it personally. you are wonderful! >> trevor: i'm just saying -- it's not a reflection of me. it's fine. let's watch a clip of you when

you were a lot nicer. >> [laughs] >> trevor: this is one of my favorite -- i have watched so many different clips of your doing so many different shows. this is one of my favorites on "sesame street." >> rubber ducky wants you to draw something on the computer and he and i will try to guess what it is you drew. why don't you do it? >> take this. >> what is that thing? >> it's a mouse. >> trevor: are you kidding me? >> what? [cheers and applause] so as you can tell, my voice has not changed at all. >> trevor: hasn't changed at all. >> is the exact same. that goes all the way back. i was about 4 or 5. >> trevor: you want to talk about woven into the fabric, that is you and that is your career. you know, when you look at your journey -- and everyone talks about being grateful, and it's always easy to be grateful for them momentous moments. what is the most insignificant seeming moment in your life that you are the most grateful for because of how it shaped you or

how it has shaped the life that you live now? >> that's a good one. you know, i think it would be a series of moments, if anything. it is the fact that, i guess, more of a concept. the fact that my audience has literally grown up with me and we are all here together now. that is the thing that when i sit down at night, like all the lights are off, and the last thoughts are going through your head, that is kind of the craziest thing for me. we all grew up together and now we are all here. we are trying to figure this life out together. and hopefully, i can continue to do that until we all are deep in our 80s. >> trevor: that gave me goose bumps. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for being here. one of the funniest human beings i have ever watched and have the privilege of speaking to. tyler james williams, everybody. we will take a break and we will be back right after this. [cheers and applause]

so you've taken up running. apple watch has taken up a few new things as well... first it tracked your distance. now - it tracks your stride length. ♪ it knows a breast stroke, from a back stroke. and checks for temperature changes... to estimate when you've ovulated. ♪ when you're dreaming, it's measuring your rem sleep down to the minute. ♪ and it can detect a serious car crash... then call for help. ♪ so yeah... a few new things. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. charlamagne is up next. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> if donald trump is the republican nominee for president

in 2024, will you vote for him? >> well, there might be somebody else i would prefer more. >> mike pence. it is your god. do not run for president. no one likes you. you will get to come alike, six votes. your own party tried to hang you, for christ's sake. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - hey, you guys, look what i have! - what? - four tickets to the lion king on stage.

- oh. - oh. - oh, come on, you guys, it's supposed to be really cool. - yeah, no, it sounds really cool. - you guys, you guys, oh, my god! oh, my god, you guys! - what, dough boy? - i was just-- i was just watching the tv. they had this commercial. - so? - so guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show cop drama. - what? - no, come on, guess. they're gonna say something that's never been said on television. - what? - you'll never guess. - what? - guess. - god damn it, cartman, what are they gonna say on cop drama? - you ready? tonight on cop drama, on tv, they're gonna say... "shit." - [gasps] they're gonna say shit on television? - they can't say shit on television. - it was just on the news! people are freakin' out, dude! - holy [bleep] shit. - [garbled] we gotta watch. - yeah, i'm gonna have people over my house to see it. - but i've got these tickets to see lion king on stage. - maybe you didn't hear me, kyle, i said "shit," on television. - it's just a marketing ploy by the network. like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with terrance and phillip. - oh, come on, dude. this is history. - it's stupid. - jeez, you're a little irritable, kyle. what's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?