and that orgasm stuff. orgasm this and orgasm that. it's a lot of pressure! hey, you know, i'm a little hungry. you wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left? >> announcer: coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight... ted cruz comes to new york. jordan klepper "fingers the pulse." and john david washington. this is "the daily show with trevor noah." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trevor: what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show."

i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you coming out in person. i can feel it! take a seat, everybody. we've got a great show for you tonight. the united kingdom has a new prime minister to replace their new prime minister, china celebrated xi jinping and the most awkward way possible, and our very own jordan klepper starts a civil war. plus the one and only john david washington is joining us! [cheers and applause] so let's do this, people! let's jump straight into today's headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] all right, before we get into the big stories, let's catch up on a few other things going on in the world. according to the national assessment of educational progress, u.s. students have suffered a record drop in their math scores. now many experts say that the two years of covid disruptions are to blame for this.

in my opinion, everyone would do better if the smart kids would just stop hiding their answers. yeah, loosen up, we get it, we know, you study. open it up. i know, i know this is distressing news for all the parents out there but just remember, this is the best time to teach your kids out of their allowance. they won't know the difference. five plus two, that's what you get, that's ten. meanwhile, in san francisco, officials are coming under fire after it came out that a new public toilet that is being built in a popular tourist spot will cost the city $1.7 million. a single public toilet. now before you complain, remember, this toilet will be top-of-the-line, the seat will come pre peed-on. and the graffiti on the walls will be written by george r.r. martin. bao mack. and sports news, the houston astros swept the ink used to would make a spot in the

world series. attending the game in new york was texas senator ted cruz. [boos] yeah, who was greeted by yankee fans just like that. there were a lot of boos, and lots of extended middle fingers. which at this point, ted sees so often, he may not even be offended, he might just think that's how people wave now. "hi! how are you? hello!" hi, ted cruz! let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. with food prices going up, gas prices going up, and war crippling europe, it may be easier to get distracted by short-term problems and lose sight of the long-term problems that will actually kill us all, which is why climate activists are going to extreme measures to get our attention. >> another act of food infused art vandalism, this time with mashed potatoes. that's right. climate change activist tossed potatoes onto a claude monet painting at a german museum. look at this. officials there say the painting

wasn't damaged and that it's covered by glass. last week, activists threw tomato soup on the vincent van gogh "sunflowers" at the national gallery in london. there was some minor damage to the frame but the painting was unharmed, and in both cases, activists then glued their hands to the wall. >> trevor: yeah, this is increasingly around the world, climate change activists are vandalizing famous art to bring attention to climate change. first, they slashed food on a van gogh, now a monet. they also hit a jackson pollock but no one noticed. and is much as i agree with the message, i don't know if a museum is the right place to do this. think about it, if you protest in the streets, everybody knows it's a protest. but if anything happens in a museum, half the people will think it is part of the art. you know? you can be front of a painting, "i'm having a heart attack." "very powerful, very powerful."

>> trevor: help me!" >> yes, the cry for help we all feel of the modern world, bravo, bravo." the problem of climate change is not the lack of awareness, is that a ton of people don't give a shit. i would like to be corrected but i don't think that those people who don't care about climate change care about fancy art. you know, i doubt your maga uncle isn't gonna be like, "no, not monet's "water lilies!" all right, you win, you can tax carbon... i agree with you." if anything, they might bring more publicity to the art then climate change. you tell me when was the last time you thought about monet and sex dreams don't count. if i was a painting, i would be begging to get food thrown at me. look! someone's walking up to us with a giant bowl of pudding, this could be our big break!

no, damn it, they're just eating it. what the hell, man, weird snack to bring to a museum... come on, people, i want to go viral! somebody throw some food at me! you know who i hate? the polar bears. i hate them, bunch of coke-drinking losers, they deserve to die! nothing? all right, forget it. back to staring at peoples' butts all day. ooh, that's a nice butt. look at that one, look at that one. all right. let's make like america's money and move on to china. over the last decade, xi jinping has gradually taken full control of the chinese communist party. he's put his people in all the top positions, he's pushed out his top rivals, and he is the sole owner of the password for the country's netflix account. so no one in china can watch "dahmer" without him. he's like, no, don't watch me, that is one of our shows

together. they are like, they are all our shows, we are communist! and last week, president xi was formally confirmed as the party's leader at its national congress. for an unprecedented third term, which means he will rule over the nation of 1.4 billion people for at least another five years. if anyone doubted how powerful he has become, just look at how he treated china branch of the his leader. >> china's leader xi jinping is beginning an historic third term in office after being anointed again as the head of the country's communist party. but there was an unexpected twist in the normally highly choreographed chinese national congress over the weekend when his predecessor was escorted off the stage. >> two aides appear to remove xi jinping's predecessor hu jintao from the front row. hu appears confused, even to resist. while xi jinping shows zero sympathy. was the 79-year-old hu unwell, or was it some kind of political power play? we'll probably never know, as the incident has already been scrubbed from chinese tv and social media.

>> trevor: god damn. scrub the social media and tv. did you see that? they picked the old man out and escorted him out like he was kanye at a bar mitzvah. did you see xi jingping? was even wilder, he sitting there like you can't do anything. are you going to do anything? is the most powerful person in china, and he's like, "sorry, there must be some rule or something, i'm new here, i can't do anything." i don't even know what it supposed to mean. was it supposed to send a message? if it does, i don't think it happened. because nobody knows what just happened! they either took this guy away as some kind of power grab or because he had one too many long island iced teas, who knows! i mean, i guess we know that it didn't go according to plan, because they scrubbed all the video of it from the internet. they wouldn't do that if they wanted people to see it. it's like your browser history: nobody is clearing it because

they donated to charity. no one is like, "i can't let my wife see what a good person i am!" yeah, this is a weird, opaque story that has left everyone guessing. i guess the only question i have is, can we hire those guys for whenever joe biden starts rambling in a speech? just to bring them -- "i passed a student bill of debt of 60 and 100,050 --" okay, sir, come on, let's go. finally, let's move on from trying to a country with a leadership situation that is a little less secure. great britain. last week, liz truss announced after just 44 days in office, she would be stepping down as prime minister so she could move on to becoming that person who everyone recognizes but they can't quite remember from where. "did we go to high school -- oh! you are the prime minister!

oh, so sorry about that. anyway, can i have $2 for popcorn please?" anyway, liz truss is gone and it looks like the u.k. has got a brand-new man. >> we begin in the united kingdom, which is about to get its third prime minister in less than two months. just a short time ago, the ruling conservative party announced that former finance minister rishi sunak won the race to become party leader and prime minister. >> rishi sunak will become this country's first ever prime minister of color, first ever asian prime minister and first ever hindu prime minister. >> rishi sunak not only the first person of color to walk through 10 downing, also the youngest prime minister here in about two centuries, really a historic day. >> a former investment banker, he and his wife are reported to be among the richest people in the country. >> it is the greatest privilege of my life to be able to serve the party i love and give back to the country i owe so much to. >> trevor: yeah, that's right, the u.k.'s new prime minister is former finance minister

rishi sunak. and he's indian, he's hindu, and he's only 42. which means he'll probably serve well into his 42-and-a halves. easily. [applause] and let's not forget another important first, he's also the first prime minister who's an absolute snack. yeah! ooh, look at you, rishi. don't forget who they're coming who they came before. they are moving on up. now of course, of course, not everyone in the u.k. is happy about sunak taking the top spot and making history. it's not because has polities or personality. no, there are some people who have a problem with something else, as this caller to a british radio show so eloquently explained.

>> is the real problem here, jerry, that rishi sunak is a brown man, and you don't trust him at the top of this country? >> well, could you imagine him going to the scottish nationalists and being the prime minister of the scottish nationalists? could you imagine me becoming the prime minister of pakistan? or saudi arabia? no! these things matter, sorry you don't like it, but this is a predominantly -- we're talking about england, right? i mean, 85% of english people, yes, are white english people, and they want to see a prime minister that reflects them. >> trevor: yeah, yeah, this guy has a good point. can you imagine if white english people wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them? that would never happen! can you imagine that? [cheers and applause] [laughs] you know what is so funny, it's funny how racists always say, -- until they feel like they are being colonized. "something needs to be done,

something needs to be done." they are not being colonized, the guy is british. what is wrong with you? if you ask me come a british racists are looking at this whole thing wrong. this could be a good thing, after 400 years, you'll finally get to legitimately blame a brown person for your problems. you are living your dreams. wake up! there is a part of me that feels a little bad for england's racists. no, because remember they voted for brexit specifically to keep britain white, and that vote started a seven-year chain of dominoes that has now led directly to an indian prime minister. [cheers and applause] oh, man. they must be like, "this is certainly a rich irony at my expense, innit?" and keep in mind, this caller

says he's a tory, so, same party as rishi sunak, probably agrees with all of his policies. he just doesn't like that he's not white. which, i don't understand. i truly don't understand. what are you scared of? what is the caller scared of? does he think sunak is gonna walk up to the podium on his first day in office and be like, "it is the greatest privilege of my life to be able to give back to the country i owe so much to. and to show my gratitude, i just want to say... i am selling the entire country to india. that's right, it's revenge time, you bastards. this was the plan the whole time and you fell for it! happy diwali, bitches!" it's not going to happen, you racists. all right, that's it for the headlines, but before we go to a break, it's time to check in on all the latest social media trends with our very own ronny chieng. >> hey, trevor. what is blowing up social media today? we've got taylor swift,

anti-semitism, tom brady, you know, the usual. but what is lighting social media in england up right now is a new prime minister of the week, sunak, and i know, everyone is really excited that this is the first asian prime minister, but let's be clear, indians are not asian. okay? okay? they are still people, great people, they are just not asian people. okay? now answer me this. if this guy is asian, how come when he became prime minister, i felt absolutely nothing? when i was down at dim sum palace this morning, me and the fellows were intellect, oh, shit, that is me up there! i feel seen! i love how indians try to have a both ways. being indian and asian. pick a lane, okay? i think if i show up in a hollywood film, i will blend right in, right? it is all just one people having a good time. also, speaking of asians and indians, real quick, you

mentioned america's math scores were dropping since covid, right? i mean, math scores in america were bad before covid. how would they get any worse? like, the question used to be what time did a train leave the station? now you have to explain what a [bleep] train is. but the biggest trending story has got to be the climate change protest videos. and my question is, who is doing museum security these days? you see people walking in with two buckets of mashed potatoes and a high visibility vest. and you don't think anything is going on? you are caught by surprise? it is not like they are snaking around. i mean, if they show up at high visibility construction vests, just keep an eye on them. just imagine this venn diagram, real simple. and one circle, you've got people wearing construction vests. in the other circle, you've got people with no upper body strength.

okay? now when they overlap in the middle there, those are climate activists. [cheers and applause] okay? make sure you check every cavity for floppy jones. the worst part, this painting wasn't even expecting it. just threw it at a painting that is ready. see, this guy knows some bad shit is about to go down. what are you even doing? karen guacamole at art is going to change anything? the only people who care about art are pretentious douchebags. check out this tweet i found for a random guy, i saw mona lisa for the first time, is she smiling or not? she is so powerful, everyone should see. really? you think everyone should see the most famous painting ever? what a great discovery.

i mean, i wonder what else this guy likes. do you like the beatles, "breaking bad?" let me guess, you give oxygen five stars. how basic can a bitch get? whoever he is. back to you, trevor. >> trevor: that was a great treat. ronny chieng, everyone. when we come back, jordan klepper figures out what side of the civil war your state is going to be on. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ [upbeat music] ♪ [sound of tape application] i just need you to sign option three. [cheering] ♪ [upbeat music] ♪ for everything we need. for everything we want. for everything we do. [cheering] we're all better off with an ally. ♪♪

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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." there's no question that america is becoming more and more polarized, and it has a lot of people wondering, could this division turn into violence? well, we sent jordan klepper to find out, for another episode of "fingers the pulse." ♪ ♪ >> when you have been to as many rallies as i have, you get used to hearing things you don't encounter in everyday life, like, "go to hell, and klepper is a bitch." lately, the crowds have been coalescing around one idea that no one wants to hear. >> civil war. civil war. speak of the civil war. our country's bitter attempt at divorce that ended up with mom and dad in a bitter state of

resentment. 43% of americans thinks it is very likely that they will be war in the next decade. >> i'll be honest, it will happen much sooner. >> how soon? i have an airbnb rented in the outer banks. >> it turns out a lot of americans think this way and not just your uncle who has been hoarding weapons and vienna sausages in his basement bunker. even sitting members of congress on january 6 committee member adam kinzinger. >> how close of we are to another civil war? >> i think we are closer than we like to think that i used to be afraid to talk about it. no i think it is important for us to talk about it. >> to talk ab about a civil war. >> yeah, i think we have to be aware of where we were out. i don't think it will be large and south with large marching armies. if i live in illinois, there will be republicans and democrats in illinois. i think a cook if i went easily. >> that is scary. >> that is scary. >> if a representative like kinzinger things a second civil war as possible, it is something we need to take seriously. i decided to gather americans whenever our most sacred

traditions of civic unity, the corporate focus group, bringing together conservatives and liberals in purple arizona who all think civil war is a real opportunity. speak of the civil war is tomorrow. but it's a skill that you bring to the battlefield? >> i'm good with a gun. >> yeah? >> yeah. james? >> i have survival skills, i was in the military, i knew how to shoot a weapon, hand-to-hand combat. i can stick you with a knife and not cry about it. [laughs] >> laugh a little bit about sticking people than i. skills? >> leadership. i feel like there's going to need to be some leaders. >> what skills you have? >> critical thinking. >> for all of the liberals here, we have a leader and a critical thinker. this is why the blue side is [bleep]. >> but if america was going to be divided into civil war, where would the modern day mason-dixon line fall? it was time for a state-by-state fantasy draft. nightmare draft. >> the terraform of the states that have been red and blue to kind of create one landmass.

who thinks about this conservative red part? are these the states you would want? >> i would much prefer the red states. >> what breaks your heart? what are you going to miss? >> arizona. isn't that supposed to be a red state? >> let say that is we give you arizona. ready want to travel? >> i love california but it's turned into such a shit hole. >> let's be honest, the blue state has the best food. >> oh, yeah. >> what would you must? >> not a ton. >> is a liberal, you are feeling pretty good about the states. >> honestly, i feel all right. we've got hawaii. >> you do have a why you. james comer what you miss? >> i have family from back east and ohio. >> you would miss ohio? >> i wouldn't trade cleveland for anything. >> i would carry texas or california so i can go to san diego. >> any other traits, texas for california. blue side, would you allow that? >> i will take austin for cleveland. >> option for cleveland. >> i don't want cleveland. i want san diego. >> what would you give up for

san diego? >> i would give up florida. >> no thanks. >> no takers on florida. >> okay, i guess the ocean can have florida, which is helpful because it will probably take it anyway. now that we have our newly divided states of america, we get to draft some new constitutions. >> if there is a new america, you are going to need new laws. are there any laws you would want to change? >> get rid of the petty ones. i mean, there's also petty laws out there. if you pee in public, are you really going to be in the sex registry? that is stupid. >> that's a first law that comes to your head? >> it's a petty laws. you you could put in the sex crimes registry if you take a leak outside. it's pretty dumb. >> we just talked about a civil war tearing this country in two, you finally get your way. and the first law that jumps to mind is peeing in public. does yours are not have toilets? stick with the vision of the new

confederacy already collapsing under the burden of sewage infrastructure, i thought it was time to cut to the chase and ask the biggest question of all. >> which size wins? >> we all lose. >> we all do is. there is no winning. >> what if one side loses and refuses to concede. >> well, i don't know if i feel any better about the future of america, but for now, at least we still have elections. in fact... check out my new half-hour special where i dive into the midterms and ask the very important question, democracy, are we still cool? >> if you knew you had fewer votes, you wouldn't concede? >> what does concede mean? >> it means accepting loss. >> no. by? >> is democracy [bleep]? >> if the wrong thing happens. >> you were there on jan january 6th? >> birds chirping, police officers screaming. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> trevor: thank you so much, jordan klepper, everybody. be sure to check out jordan's special next tuesday at 11:30, right after this show. all right, stay tuned because when we come back, john david washington will be joining me right here. [cheers and applause]

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♪ 'cause it hangs them up ♪ ♪ to see someone like you ♪ ♪ but you gotta make your own kind of music ♪ life gets bigger when you break from the herd. ♪ sing your own special song ♪ the volkswagen tiguan. ♪ make your own kind of music ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor who you know from films like "blackklansman" and "tenant." he is here tonight to talk about making his broadway debut in a revival of august wilson's "the piano lesson." please welcome john david washington! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] john david washington, hello, welcome back to "the daily show." >> thanks for having me, glad to

be back. >> trevor: it's a while since you have been here, i think it was maybe 2019. it was a "blackklansman" at the time. i mean, you have just ascended consistently and constantly, "tenant," phenomenal, for the parts we could understand. let me ask you, before we get into what you are doing now, did you guys know what was -- because i love the movie. i genuinely love all of christopher nolan's films and i watch it again -- the first time to enjoy it come a second time to understand what is happening. but then there's parts of the movie where people are [mumbling] [laughter] so when you guys are in the scene, can you hear each other? you know what is happening? [laughter] >> uh... christopher nolan is always watching so i will say, yeah, totally. i knew every plot point. i knew everything that was going on. >> trevor: that's another thing i wondered. do you understand the movie when you are in the movie? when you are doing the stuff and

backwards is happening to you. you are convincing. i didn't watch it and go, john david washington doesn't know what is happening. >> you believed me. trust i believe you. >> thank god. that means i did a good job. sp when you did an amazing job. >> there is a lot of training that went into it, the physicality, learning to fight backwards, walk backwards, all that stuff, backwards fighting school we went to. we trained for a month, a month and change. so much i had to do to my body, helping me understand the plot a little more, opening up the world and the possibilities of a christopher nolan was trying to do. >> trevor: probably why you were so good at it. i feel like you are good at everything because of you immerse yourself, one of my favorite parts of the show, but then i found out you played, i was like, that's cheating. [laughter] but still. >> that's acting, brother. my god. >> trevor: you immerse yourself in your roles in a really powerful way, it is why

you get accolade after accolade, people love seeing you on the screen but now you are moving into broadway, which, every actor has set across the board is terrifying. >> oh, my goodness. >> trevor: why would you do this? >> a full context court. i wanted to challenge myself. it was about trying to test my abilities, trying to grow as an artist. i wanted to keep searching. i joel headed vehicle i was going for it. i felt like the words of august wilson were leading me to the promised land. it was a character i really loved and enjoyed every time i read it, and so just wanted to explore it, see how far i can go with my ability is and what i can learn, i feel like in grad school, with our director, and sam jackson, who originated the role, he played boy willie in 1987, here he is every night and he's playing the uncle role, i'm looking at him across the stage like i know you were originally in this role, doing my best. it was a way -- he has been so

supportive, singing -- because the entire cast, it's been a learning become a great learning situation for me. it has been life changing. >> trevor: i can't imagine how surreal that must be for you because, as you said, samuel l. jackson originated the role. his wife is directing it. she's making her directorial debut. so this is a family affair but it is legends only, and you are playing the role that he originated across that he is playing the uncle, and it's a fascinating story on multiple levels about a family arguing about an heirloom. i don't want to spoil it for people but it really is a question of, what is a family need to keep in order to maintain themselves as a family and can i let go of those things and still respect where they come from. it feels pertinent to you on a personal level as well as a character, because you grew up around samuel l. jackson, didn't you? >> i did. in inheritance, learning how to

work hard for something, learning how to act, i think, is something that i feel like i have inherited. through this process, learning how to make choices on stage, how to immerse yourself in the role, and just the work ethic, something that you can't learn. you can learn how to work hard. that is something that i have been discovering a lot in this process. >> trevor: would you say being on broadway is harder than being -- let me ask you to this differently. what are the harder aspects of doing broadway as opposed to being on camera? >> it is hard and that it is every night, different crowds. you've got to deliver. sometimes you get two shows on wednesday, two shows on saturday so you have to deliver sometimes twice a day. >> trevor: wow. >> you have to be on. you have to have the same energy every night. it is not like you can yell "cut," let me start that over. none of that happening. you've got to go. they are waiting on you, you've got to go. so it is something that i think that it build you up.

to me, i have more courage in trying things when i get back to film, because of this experience. >> trevor: you've always talked about how you were reticent when it came to getting into acting. you had this idea of your father is denzel washington. this is one of the greatest actors who has ever lived on this planet. one of the greatest to ever do which. and the new step into the game and you always said you didn't want to at first. this feels like a burden. but everyone can agree, you stepped into it. you made it your own. you still have characteristics that remind us of your dad, you are harassed on. but what has that journey been like for you, and finding your own but also accepting your heirloom? the piece that you have inherited from him? >> i am finding that with every project, spike lee helped me find my identity. christopher nolan helped me find my identity. this play in so many ways it's helping me find my identity. what my process even is, and different spots on stage come how i relate to characters, what

my way in is. all of those things i am discovering on my journey. the support i have gotten from the directors i just named have been so important for my growth and for my confidence. and this is what i have gotten for my family, no hand outs. i have been working very hard, work very hard on my plate, and i'm proud of what we are doing. >> trevor: you see it. you can tell when someone is passionate, where they work beyond where they ever felt they could. you have always put the effort income always comes across a pair for the play is fascinating. it's a great story that has been told by a great actress, a great director, and one thing that surprises me about the play it is also -- as a director, as i said -- this is also a ghost story. i found myself thinking, in life, there are two types of ghosts. the ghosts that we carry and then there are ghosts ghosts. >> yeah. [laughs] >> trevor: you know what i mean. ghost ghosts. do you believe in ghosts? >> absolutely. i love halloween but i

definitely sleep with a light on around this time of year. [laughter] i don't mess around. i don't play with at ghost stuff. it is real. >> trevor: are you superstitious like that? >> yep. [laughter] yep. yes, i am. like, got that night light on. i believe in ghosts. but it is also -- this play, yes, is a ghost story. is also incredibly fun. it's got a lot of humor in it. august wilson is a genius. >> trevor: yes. >> it's loaded with family situations and dynamics that are universal, not just the african american experience come up the universal experience, family arguments, nephew and uncle, sister and brother. so there's so many things and themes in this or that are relatable, which is what i love about it. >> trevor: i think it is relatable, i think it is a continued celebration of black excellence in broadway which we have seen and everything from "slave play," "strange loop," it has been great.

i will recommend everyone watch it because when will you ever get the opportunity to be almost this close to john david washington and samuel l. jackson at the same time? thank you so much for being here. [cheers and applause] john david washington, everybody. we will take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] why do nearly one million businesses choose stamps.com to mail and ship?

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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, peaceful protesters in iran are risking their lives to be heard. the center for human rights in iran is helping to bring their voices to the important international stage and it provides legal aid for political prisoners and victims of violence. so please, if you can, all you need to do is follow the link below to help them in their work. until next time, stay safe out there and remember, if you are really hungry but don't want to spend any money, just pretend you are a painting and weight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> do you support bono so low?

would you go see him? >> sure. i have not listened to any of his new music that is so low. it is definitely worth investigating, if it is anywhere near as good as u2. i usually like the band as a whole. van halen wasn't as good when they got rid as david lee roth. i'm not sure they will be as good when bono is by himself but i will check it out. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪

- ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - hey, you guys, look what i have! - what? - four tickets to the lion king on stage. - oh. - oh. - oh, come on, you guys, it's supposed to be really cool. - yeah, no, it sounds really cool. - you guys, you guys, oh, my god! oh, my god, you guys! - what, dough boy? - i was just-- i was just watching the tv. they had this commercial. - so? - so guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show cop drama. - what? - no, come on, guess. they're gonna say something that's never been said on television. - what? - you'll never guess. - what? - guess. - god damn it, cartman, what are they gonna say on cop drama? - you ready? tonight on cop drama, on tv, they're gonna say... "shit." - [gasps] they're gonna say shit on television? - they can't say shit on television. - it was just on the news! people are freakin' out, dude! - holy [bleep] shit. - [garbled] we gotta watch. - yeah, i'm gonna have people over my house to see it. - but i've got these tickets to see lion king on stage. - maybe you didn't hear me, kyle, i said "shit," on television. - it's just a marketing ploy by the network. like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss

with terrance and phillip. - oh, come on, dude. this is history. - it's stupid. - jeez, you're a little irritable, kyle. what's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina? - no, i don't have sand in my vagina, i just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around, talking about one dumb word being on tv! - hey, ah, sam, did you hear the news? - yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television. - we should all get together and watch it at the bar. - yeah! - yeah. - yeah. - are you guys gonna let your kids watch? - oh, sure. i mean, you know, cop drama's a very artsy, dramatic show. - and they're gonna say "shit"! - hey, butters, i got tickets to go see lion king tonight, and i decided to invite you before anybody else. - oh, sorry, i can't. they're gonna say "shit" on cop drama, and my mom and dad say i have to watch it with them so i don't take it the wrong way. - how many ways are there to take it? it's just a stupid word! - hey, everybody, it's on in 30 minutes! [commotion] - listen, mitchell, i put my life on the line every day. how dare you accuse me? - oh, i bet this is it. here it comes. - i'm doing my job, frank.