li whether the paul pelosi attack involved gay stuff. out front is former president donald trump cosplaying as sherlock holmes if he packed his pipe with bath salts. -it's weird things going on in that household in the last couple of weeks. the whole thing is crazy. i mean, if there's even a little bit of truth to what's being said, it's crazy. but the window was broken in, and it was strange that the cops were, you know, standing there practically from -- from the moment it all took place. -an unforced error by trump to elevate the pelosi attacker, who will likely be his biggest competition for the republican nomination in 2024. joining me now to skip hand-in-hand to the fact tree, shake loose the truth fruit, then plunge our teeth into the juicy scoops is democratic strategist who lists chuck todd as her emergency contact despite having zero relationship to him lydia parker. -good evening. -chief washington bureau chief whose entire income consists of class-action-lawsuit reward money jonathan keene. -hello. -chief field correspondent and hand-turkey picasso james smartwood jr. -hey. -and cbs news chief

washington correspondent and "tooning out" contributor major garrett. thank you so much for being here, major. -always a pleasure. -major, a stunning final week before the election. will republicans pay any electoral price for this insane attack on paul pelosi, or is the fact that his brain is still in his head proof they've actually softened their extreme positions? -it's a severe moment in american politics. nancy pelosi, speaker of the house, third in line in succession to the us presidency -- her husband attacked and the attacker telling authorities he intended to kidnap nancy pelosi and interrogate her, and if she didn't give answers that satisfied him, he would kneecap her. the country is, in many respects, shocked by this. will this, in the closing days of the campaign, create a mind-set of, "wait a minute, do republicans play footsie with extremism or do they not?" for independent and swing voters in a lot of very close senate races, could be decisive. -clearly, republicans are passionate about their pro-hammer agenda, and democrats need to do that thing

where they meet them halfway and volunteer to get extra bone installed in their skulls. -you know, young democrats must be so inspired that their party's closing argument is delivered by a million-year-old president talking about end-of-life care. -alright, let's drill down on the candidates. republican arizona gubernatorial candidate kari lake, who will turn this car around and drive it right off a goddamn cliff, said this. -it is not impossible to protect our kids at school. they act like it is. nancy pelosi, well, she's got protection when she's in d.c. apparently, her house doesn't have a lot of protection. [ laughter ] -kari lake there adding much-needed levity to an issue the republicans have already spent every moment laughing about. -now, if i may, let me just say that this behavior on the right, it's not who we are. -are you sure about that, keene? i mean, we've had this history of racism, wars of aggression, economic injustice. -right. but isn't it also that this is not who we are? -well, i'm saying i think we are, are it. -well, it's not who we are. -well, y-yes, we are. -well, but just to be clear, it's not who we are.

-if you say it one more time, i'm gonna lose it. -okay. alright. it's -- but it's not who we are. -wow! well, let's go ahead and dig into the election hard data with our senior political analyst, ted jaworski, who is at the big board. ted, what are the numbers showing you about the battle for congress? -thanks, james! pollsters have been conducting hundreds of scientifically advanced surveys of the voting population and developing quantum-computer projection models. and after all that, what we've learned is anything can happen. -oh, well, i mean, you've got tons of data there and we're less than a week out. surely you can make some sense of this chaos? -nope. james, every election, we pretend like all this stuff works, and then 30 crazy nut-bags march to victory and i look like a stupid jerk. -aww. -ted. ted. come on. -no, no. it's true. it's true. i look like a stupid jerk. -look, we all understand that voter behavior is erratic and difficult to discern, but there must be something you know for certain. -oh, yes, of course. one day, all life on earth will cease to exist. -ted! come on! -oh, ted, come on! -that's the certainty, for it is life

and i am but a vessel for this realization. drink! be free! -look, can you just tell us what's going on in the pennsylvania senate race? -fine. uh, polls show that democrat john fetterman holds a narrow lead over republican dr. oz. -there you go. -but that poll straddled the debate that fetterman bombed, so we don't know jack except, again, decay is inevitable! -jesus, ted. -ted, can you just chill out? i mean, just go buy yourself a steak or something. -oh, more meat to put in my meat. yeah, that's right. i'm meat, too. -alright. thanks so much. we'll be checking in with our in-house election guru, ted jaworski, during our special election coverage coming to you next week. thanks so much, ted. -hey, you got it. i'll be right here. -well, i will say, despite what ted said, that most models predict the republicans will win the house of representatives, but the senate is a little more complicated. and good lord -- what is going on inside the studio? -oh, i'll take this one, james. it appears nature itself... [ crow caws ] ...can sense the upcoming republican midterm victories and, out of pure instinct, is seeking out the safest place to shelter from our societal collapse.

-i see. and, keene, are you okay? -me? oh, i'm fine. i will say, though, that the voices within me have communicated that a dark age is upon us. -alright, i've been taking a watercolor painting class down at the learning annex because i don't know, shut up. so let's wrap it there. sorry we didn't have time for nets point guard kyrie irving going off for 40 points by goose-stepping past defenders. thank you to my analysts and "tooning out the news" contributor major garrett. thank you so much, major. -always a pleasure. -up next is "virtue signal." kylie, who are you abandoning after revering as a demigod this week? -thanks, james. elon musk promoted a clean-energy platform but now platforms racial cleansing in a reversal more shocking than a self-driving tesla suddenly backing into a lake. that's ahead on "virtue signal." -james, can i just say... this is not who we are? -[ laughs ] -oh, my god. could someone give me a broom to get him off the ceiling?

[crickets chirping] oh, hey, it's the donovans. you know, legend has it... the donovans had a bar-b-que that fed half a town. you know what i heard? they drove cross-country, just to walk their dog. ...apparently, they climbed a mountain to save some wild horses. [wind and thunder] that's what they say. that's what they say. toyota. let's go places. (dog barking) ♪♪ we love our pets. but we don't always love their hair. let's face it. pets are gonna shed. every minute of every day. which is why we made bounce pet hair and lint guard with three times the pet hair fighting ingredients. just toss one sheet in the dryer

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every moment in life is a bet. like betting on taking a hitch hiker tailgating. but life doesn't offer you up to $1000 back in free bets if you don't win. so bet on america's #1 sportsbook, fanduel, and make every moment more. can you believe someone thought this would help you hear better? and no one will notice it? genius. now this is eargo. made to be heard. not seen. a caring man took a walk. he saw people suffering. anxiety ran high, hatred rose. i'll prepare a feast and bring them together he thought. but some refused to join him. he was heartbroken because he wanted everyone to be filled.

not with food and wine, but with compassion. ♪ ♪ ♪♪ -tonight, liberals have long stanned innovator elon musk, but were we too trusting of the man who flew a rocket six feet into space and called himself an astronaut?

this is "virtue signal." ♪♪ hi. i'm kylie weaver. and i love being around people and receiving attention, but i'm actually more of an introvert, if you can believe it. top story, y'all -- my media betches and i have long stanned clean-energy zaddy elon musk for serving up innovation realness. -elon musk is clearly -- you know, he's a visionary. he's got great ideas. -elon musk is a genius. -a justifiable genius. -genius. -visionary. -innovator. person of the year. -whose name may indeed belong alongside those of edison and jobs. -but now the mega billionaire who disrupted the "not-pregnant subordinates" industry is allowing hatred on twitter against different types of people, a surprise considering his self-driving cars run over all types of people equally. and after the attack on paul pelosi, mr. musk wrote...

i expected a better head on his shoulders from someone whose shoulder hair is embedded on his head. also, he was friends with ghislaine maxwell. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden communications director who stopped volunteering the instant she got her yale acceptance letter jordan polce. -hello. -former dnc chair who was voted "biggest handful" by the connecticut association of retail returns processors charlotte fitzgerald. -good evening. -and lincoln project senior adviser who gets about a hundred steps in before his shoes fall apart like soggy cardboard troy lawson. -great to be here! -musk's descent into right-wing conspiracy is leaving me wondering if we'll ever find a billionaire with a good god complex for once. -well, not all billionaires, okay? there are a lot of good ones. obviously not bill gates or jeff bezos

or michael bloomberg or j.k. rowling or david geffen or -- can someone else talk? -well, thankfully, the self-proclaimed "chief twit" -- god. wait. that's so funny. god. i actually love that so much. elon musk reassured advertisers, tweeting... -well, obviously, elon will listen to his council. he is notoriously thick-skinned and, when challenged, only rarely publicly calls someone a pedophile. -look. if the council doesn't moderate twitter to people's liking, musk needs to appoint a council-council to rule over the council. and if that doesn't work, he can just appoint a council-council-council who's in charge of the council-council. and if that doesn't work, i don't know what to tell ya! -turning now to media news. anchor on fake news network in a disaster movie news nation, chris cuomo is deviating

from his usually placid demeanor and complaining about his ratings. -i grew out of my cuomosexual phase, even though defending your brother is, like, the cutest thing ever. but there is nothing wrong with having high expectations for your staff. panel? am i right? [ suspenseful music plays ] -of course, kylie. you demand so much from yourself. why wouldn't you expect the same from others? -thank you. troy. what do you think? do you think it's okay for the host to occasionally blow up at the staff when she -- chris cuomo -- is under a lot of stress? -y-yes, queen! anyone who can't take criticism shouldn't be in show business! -that's right. jordan, you're awfully quiet. what do you think? -well, i -- [ stammering ]

-i think what jordan was going to say is you are absolutely correct, kylie! -is that what you were going to say, jordan? -uh, um, uh, um, umm... -jordan! -just say yes! -just say yes! -say yes, jordan! our lives are in your hands! oh, no! not the spikes! -jordan, you crazy bastard! just say she's right! -i'm trying, but the words aren't coming out! -jordan, say it now! i will take you to hell with me, you bitch! -you. are. right. kylie. -thank you. i agree. -yes! -obviously, none of us are perfect. -hey, is anyone else seeing entirely in purple? -okay, i have to go text all my jewish friends a heart, so let's wrap it there. when "tooning out the news" returns, "hot take's" tyler templeton asks senator kirsten gillibrand how to lower the temperature of political rhetoric so americans stop hammering their leaders' spouses and get back to soiling their desks. stick around.

-hey, gang, i'll be honest, i got a little bit of a headache! -have you been drinking enough water? -that's what it is. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays on your platform of choice. have you seen my new phone yet?

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♪♪ -hey, it's host who can't tiptoe without being even louder tyler templeton, alongside co-host frequently name-checked on the nextdoor.com earnings call bonnie davis, co-host who prays every night to be hunted by a terminator susan shephard... and co-host and master of the pillow-talk pivot to his s.a.t. score austin sparks. obama's last-minute charisma offensive will be immediately swallowed up by the charisma black hole of j.d. vance. this is "hot take"! ♪♪ what's up, slipped-disc squad? top story -- republicans are set to sweep back into power

and deliver this country the student-athlete genital-check protocols it needs to win the 21st century. but the democrats keep distracting the public by being the target of assassination attempts. of course, republicans are praying for paul pelosi and his family and doing everything they can to stop this violence by blaming the left and declaring themselves the victims. -people in both parties are guilty of intense rhetoric. -we had a door knocker in florida that was attacked. -a bernie sanders supporter shot steve scalise. -the threats on justice kavanaugh. this started back in the summer of 2020, right, when you saw cities burning. -yep. everything causes everything. that's why i'm calling on the primordial fish that climbed out of the ocean millions of years ago to condemn this violence on both sides of the aisle. and, sure, of the 443 people killed at the hands of extremists from 2012 to 2021, 333, or 75%, were killed by right-wing extremists,

but i refuse to let democrats force their "75 is a lot bigger than 25" agenda on me! now spawning in our multiplayer showdown is democratic senator of new york kirsten gillibrand. thank you for joining us, senator. -lovely to be here, tyler. thank you. -senator, please say the rhetoric is out of control, whether it's republicans or baby-eating globalist democrats who must be stopped by any means necessary. -so, obviously we've had a rise in anti-semitism and bigotry and racism and homophobia. a lot of the increase happened under president trump's watch. obviously, he didn't create racism and homophobia and anti-semitism. -he could've if he wanted! -but he definitely poured fuel on the fire. and president biden has worked very hard to try to cool tensions to try to bring this country back together again. he wants to heal the soul of our nation.

-we're conveniently forgetting that crazed liberals forced ted cruz to leave a restaurant mid-meal. is it not an equivalent form of violence to have to eat a seafood tower from a doggy bag? -oh, yeah, and let's not forget all those people who had to watch him eat it. -exactly. -you know, this is just a random act of violence in nancy pelosi's crime-ridden san francisco. and the perpetrator was just saying, "where's nancy?" because he wanted her advice on who to attack randomly. -now let's turn to abortion. now, democrats will not drop this abortion issue despite it being settled precedent since back in 2022. senator, if people vote democrat, will you codify roe v. wade, overturning the overwhelming will of six catholic freaks on the supreme court? -so, this country for 50 years has had the right to privacy. and what this supreme court decision did is say that women, for 40 years of their reproductive life, which is the time you can have children approximately, that you don't have a right to privacy.

and so these red states are trying to enforce it by taking away your right to have a conversation with your mother on facebook privately... -mommy! -...about your health, whether you could receive medicines in the mail, whether a 10-year-old could be taken out of state by her parents because she was raped. all of those decisions and actions are now being upended in these very conservative states under this decision that took away women's right to reproductive freedom. -well, i got to say this. if we don't somehow criminalize women for living their lives, we're telling society it's okay to be one. -that's a good point. -and then what happens is... -yeah, and republicans are on the right side of this issue. nothing says freedom like dr. oz having the freedom to control your medical decisions. -absolutely! -absolutely! and if i -- -look, if you want to have the right to an abortion, only fornicate with republican politicians who can afford to fly you out of state. -of course! -exactly. exactly. and, look, the court gave authority to the states, and state politicians are the right people to decide on abortion rights because they're republicans. -wow. great to hear from everyone

on this important issue. now, senator, if certain republican candidates win their races, you're going to work alongside a bunch of new senators who need you to explain that the majority whip is not a kind of dessert topping. that means it's time to play "friend or no friend." we'll say a senator you will soon see around the chamber, and you tell us if you think you can be friends. ready? ♪♪ senator. are you ready? -i'm ready! yes, i'm ready. -okay! fantastic. let's go! when he's not hosing puppy blood off his shoes, snake-oil tycoon dr. oz is busy ushering local water commissioners into women's doctors' offices. so, senator, dr. oz -- friend or no friend? -i can be a friend with any colleague to get things done, regardless of their views, which i do today. -alright. we'll keep putting that to the test. next, love child of peter thiel and a great replacement theory subreddit,

this tech innovator from arizona wants to disrupt the way women die during childbirth in order to serve as arizona's first extraterrestrial senator. blake masters -- friend or no friend? -so, i'm gonna be friends with all my colleagues. -huh. -okay. -wow. okay. alright. well, we'll see if we can get you with this one. when he's not holding a gun to a woman's head or buying her a bus ticket to planned parenthood, this heisman trophy winner is trying to prove that even people whose brain is one giant bruise can rise to the office of senator. herschel walker. friend or no friend? -i will work with herschel walker. -what?! oh, my god! jesus christ! and that's how you play "friend or no friend"... i guess. -i got a lead on a nice ham, so let's wrap it there. thank you to my co-hosts and democratic senator kirsten gillibrand. thanks, senator. -thank you. -and when "tooning out the news" returns, a special offer exclusively for "hot take" viewers.

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specifically vacation cancellation due to lake turning into a desert, discounted home repair due to smoke damage from nearby book burnings, same-day removal of amazon worker who died in your yard. and we can't say why, but you're also covered for something called "fast-breeding super spiders." "hot take" republican majority insurance. 10% off with promo code "wait what was that about the spiders?" good night, everyone. [♪♪] "wait what was that about the spiders?" you sure you can't stay longer? no. we just came up for the funeral. poor marvin kessler. he went too early. he was 96 years old. that had nothing to do with it. the man was out of shape. that's why we joined a program. we walk once around the block three times a week. and every morning, i eat a plum. well, whatever you're doing, you're wearing me out. what about you? yeah. looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger. -really? -hey, seinfelds. -hey, mr. kramer. -hi.

how long you staying? we just came to town for a funeral. oh, yeah. yeah, i heard. yeah, marvin kessler. boy, that makes you think. if he could go... [clicks tongue, whines] -see you downstairs at the car. -oh, hey. hey, you sure you don't need a hand with that? no, no. the luggage is on the program. i got a brick in here. [kramer chuckles, taps case] [winces] did you give blood? no, no, no. not giving. hoarding. i'm storing it at the blood bank. just in case. in case of what? jerry, i know myself. if i'm out on the street, and it starts to go down, i don't back off until it's finished. -are we finished? -done.