>> logged in on ticketmaster, and seeing red. >> there may be some bad blood among taylor swift fans tonight instead of tickets for highly anticipated tour, they are looking at blank space. for those who couldn't get tickets for her upcoming stops here in philly, well, you may just have to shake it off. >> shake it off. >> shake it off. >> just got to shake it off. >> shake it off. >> got to shake it off, taylor swift fans. >> i know that song. ♪ ♪ soda stream. god forbid something cross your lips that isn't soda. tonight on "tooning out the news" -- big news welcomes comedian nikki glaser to discuss whether herschel walker will run on lowering gas prices. for his 70 miles per hour drives

to planned parenthood. and the liberal virtue signal celebrates mike pence reluctance celebration movement from the maga movement. first, we're live at mar-a-lago to cover donald trump announcing that he's running for president because he's the republican party's best chance at winning back the white house whether he wins or not. this is hot takes. ♪ what's up. i'm host who has to wear chain mail gloves, tyler templeton. he has risen fresh off his stunning electoral rebuke, donald trump took the stage for his presidential campaign announcement and assured the nation i see you. i hear you. and i will say the same things only a little quieter. >> we built the wall. the blood soaked streets of our once great cities is salve

annals, rig and corrupt system. china played a very corrupt role in the 2020 election. we will not let men, as an example, participate in women sports. >> oh, it was the trump we love. low energy, hallow, gaunt, unsteady, sickly. it was so captivating that you could hear the crowd tiptoeing for the exit. fox news viewers were or beganisming so hard that purely out of mercy sean hannity cut away from the speech and rarely returned to it. even ivanka trump was so swept up by the moment she had to release a statement as long and loving as it was short and terse. this time around, i am choosing to prioritize my young children and the private life we are creating as a family. well, i will always love and support my father, going forward, i will do so outside the political arena. great. i was just going to say that we should do that. that's the best thing for all of us. cool, cool, cool, cool, yeah.

100%, cool man. joining me in the octagon is co-host miss usa pageant was scurrying bonnie davis. >> good evening. >> co-host who thinks all americans should start in prison and appeal their way out to society susan shepherd. >> hello. >> show you how to use a machine insanely wrong, austin sparks. >> great to be here. >> and, new york times columnist and "tooning out the news" contributor, who causes fireplaces to start themselves when he walks in a room, charles blow. thanks for joining us, charles. >> thanks for having me. >> charles, does this underdog billionaire former president with a personality cult frothing lunatics have shot? >> he has a diminished shot. what the midterms showed us is that he -- did not have enough pull with enough voters in the right place es to pull off the kinds of wins that he promised his party that he could deliver. and that means -- that makes him a three-time loser, right? he lost this midterm, he lost his presidential cycle and he

lost the midterms before that. the republican party has to figure out, do they want to hitch themselves to this person who is a habitual loser and risk losing the white house again. >> trump is protecting supreme confidence. nothing says i can draw a crowd anywhere like holding a rally at your house. >> yeah. and trump is showing the gop is the party of innovation, as members are already developing cutting-edge excuses for staying as far away from the announcement as possible. >> you could tell that he wants voters to see his softer side, not once in that announcement did he call for anna win tour to be disavoud for not waving back at him tavern on the green. >> shaped like the horse he is riding on, it is ron desantis. he already has his sights on 2024, which is a little ghost if you ask me. according to one poll of republican voters, trump only leads desantis by 14 points. keep in mind, trump has been out of the spotlight and the more voters get to know him, the more they will like him.

>> i do agree that desantis is trump without all the chaos. he could be way more effective at carrying our agenda of state-sponsored cruelty. >> nothing shows republicans masculinity, two alphas caked in makeup fawning to a press. >> i don't know who to support for president, so it's time for a taylor templeton divided soul debate. all right. tyler, tyler? who should we throw our support behind in 2024? >> you have to go with trump. he's got everything. he's trump. he's donald trump. and let's not forget, he's trump. >> good point, tyler. and tyler, what do you think? >> well, trump is the past. i think voters are looking for desantis' fresh, sweaty, i know i'm a fraud energy. >> maybe you're right. and it's time to move on. how dare you abandon trump like that. he's dragging down the party. >> he is the party! stop fighting! i'll clean my room, mommy. i swear. charles, which tyler is right? the one that's for trump and desantis or the one that's for

desantis and trump? [ laughter ]. >> well, i can't say either one is right i'm not for either one of those guys. it's very interesting to see people paint desantis as trump without the baggage. he's trump without a lot of things. he's also trump without the charisma. difficult for ron desantis to run as well. i don't see how ron desantis maximizes news coverage. i don't see how he maximizes the news cycle in the same way that trump does. and that was part of the brand. >> unfortunately we have to leave it there. thank you, tylers. >> yep. >> all right. i have go do my workout where i kick the satellite dishes off the neighbor's roof. let's wrap it out with i'm not done. everyone on spaceship earth must know by now, i'm host of "tooning out the news," did that just happen, late night show sparks. and this week's episode is straight fire. first up, senator ben sasse and i prank called the cops as bo

rat. then, you ever seen an alfredo water slide? candice cameron bur ray is about to. oh, yeah. i got taylor swift tickets. and i'm giving them all to army hammer. that's coming up on -- sparks. tyler? >> well, finally, many political pundits provided incorrect predictions about the midterm elections, but none were more off than those from "tooning out the news'" beloved prediction turtle bo bo wise predicted a wave that never formed. "tooning out the news" held its to high standard of journalistic excellence. bo bo, this conversation is never easy. we have to let you go. i think you know why. i don't want to drag this out, leave your key card with hr on the way out. bo bo, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. hr will pass along information. >> let's grab drinks some time. >> this is your steve jobs moment, bo bo. >> charles, any advice for bo bo

as he embarks on his next chapter? >> the only advice i would say -- >> bo bo! >> bo bo! >> oh, no! >> no! >> just hit me. he's going to miss tonight's sparks, isn't he? >> thank you to my co-host and "tooning out the news" contributor charles blow. thanks, charles. >> thank you. kylie, what sort of liberal garbage are you spewing on virtue signal? >> thanks, tyler. tonight, we can officially declare the maga movement dead and buried. we're getting really good at declaring that since we do it every three months. that's ahead on virtue signal. ♪ ever notice how stiff clothes can feel rough on your skin? for softer clothes that are gentle on your skin, try downy free & gentle

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♪ charmin ultra strong. 150,000 regular rolls. tonight, it's time to celebrate trumpism being as dead as the six dozen doves that would have been released at tiffany trump's wedding had they not gotten into the mar-a-lago shellfish. this is virtue signal. ♪ hi, i'm kylie weaver. good evening only to the people

who saw "black panther" "wakanda forever" nine times this weekend like me. top story, y'all. we did it, joe. democrats retained control of the senate and possibly even the house, which could only mean one thing -- the symptom of our institutional rot is finally cured. >> americans are just saying no to trumpism. >> they rejected trumpism. >> the stunning rebuke to donald trump. >> donald trump is not a king maker. >> donald trump was the unmitigated loser. >> donald trump is a loser. >> loser. >> loser. >> loser. >> donald j. trump is a loser. >> that's right, y'all. mcdonald trump because he eats so much kfc is done forever. just like he was done after the "access hollywood" tape, the sexual assault allegations, shar l lotsville allegations, ukraine blackmail scandal and january 6th riot. now that this day is finally here, i've got my popcorn that

i've had ready multiple times over seven-plus years ready. now, moving on, vice president mike pence went from pro life freak to totally on sleek after releasing "so help me god" which he goes full jason sudeikis on his former mob boss donald trump from sicily. and he said this about trump's behavior on january 6th. >> president's words that day at the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the capitol building. >> wow, mike brave heart but wearing 50 pairs of underpants under his kilt pence taking a bold stance against trump. kind of. two years later after trump nearly got his family murdered. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden white house communications director who once posted 87 replies to a single tweet from david hogg, jordan pulse. >> hello. >> former dnc chair believes dress shoes should be uncomfortable and hideous,

charlotte fitzgerald. >> good evening. >> lincoln project senior adviser eyelashes are thick with spider eggs, troy lawson. >> hi, kylie. >> panel, welcome mike pence to the resistance. >> i'm calling it. mike pence will replace chris hayes on msnbc. we can't get complacent and complacent worm mike pence knows that. >> with all this inner personal drama between pence and trump, nancy myers will absolutely adapt pence's must read book for the screen. >> and now, a rare apology. the steady compass of our nation's canary island po box owners has for the first time led us astray as the value of digital currency has completely collapsed. so many of us hard-working, working-class workers were dragged into this scam by the very people we are supposed to trust the most -- celebrities. for shame rich celebrities. how much money do you need?

and why did you also make me create my own name sake digital currency kylie coin which is now worth 1 millionths of a penny i rehomed all my holding at the peak. >> celebrities who backed crypto need to endorse respectable businesses like high interest credit cards and sports gambling websites. >> kylie, i dumped my entire life savings into kylie coins. and i'm absolutely destitute. but i want you to know, i am doing great. yeah. for food, i've been stealing slop from local swine. i drink out of my neighbor's loosely guarded birdbath. i've been airbnbing my house and sleeping in the walls. for spending money, the high school science teacher gives me a shot of whiskey and has his students dissect me and moonlighting as a wealthy man's backpack. fella at the diner pays me a quarter to tie increasingly

heavy dumbbells to my scrotum. you know what can be a shoe, two socks. i won't tell you highway i make rent, but right after work i'm dropping my boxer briefs in an envelope to croatia, so i'm going to be all right. >> okay. >> all right. we love you. we love what you're doing. >> thank you. when "tooning out the news" returns, big news has comedian nikki glaser. i took a stand up class once and killed it, but this show is too important. >> announcer: "tooning out the news" podcast is available thursdays wherever you get your thurwhen you're ready to go,our podcbut static says “whoa.”

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♪ cloth napkins, enjoy your rezapped pizza slice, ambassador. tonight, comedian nikki glaser is here to talk about donald trump 2024, the state of women's rights and whether the only way to guarantee your right to an abortion is to be knocked up by republican senator. it's time for big news. ♪ ♪ good evening, i'm james. i think we're all set with air shows. say we sure made great headlines i'm glad you found your scoops, mate. democratic strategist preparie ing insurrection to install tim ryan in the senate. jonathan keen. >> hi there. >> chief field correspondent who asked his waiters how many more bites he needs to take, james

smartwood jr. >> hello. >> comedian and host, nikki glaser. thank you for being here, nikki. >> thank you so much for having me. >> of course. it's our pleasure. nikki, there's so much to talk about. let's begin with donald trump announcing his run for president. what are you looking forward to from his campaign, besides him barn storming the south message of rupert murdoch sperm count is not what it used to be. >> oh, wow. i guess there's not a ton to look forward to. i just have to find the bright spots. you know, the midterms were boring without anyone calling someone's wife ugly. i'm looking forward to my mom's daily panic attacks and really great for me because as a childless woman who is approaching her 40s, it's nice when my parents ask me about having kids. i can just again go, look at the state of the world. i don't want to bring a child into this. it kind of shuts them up. >> absolutely. look, it's trump's third presidential campaign, he will need to shake things up by

finding a new powerless group to blame for our problems. i've been disappointed in the cultural assimilation of people who let parrots eat nuts out of their mouths. >> it will be a tough fight. mike pence will be a worthy challenger before trump's mob chases him on to a busy freeway. >> absolutely. have r formidable. let's talk about the georgia senate race, voters could not sit between a sitting senator with a proven track record and guy with old fraying shoe lace. will herschel walker be at home in a runoff election since running off is what he has done to so many of his families. >> yeah. i mean, it is funny. he's up against the reverend, but herschel walker is kind of a priest. i mean, i guess he thinks so because most people call him father. i always forget, what position did he play in the nfl? was it running away from your family back? or lying backer? >> i think it was concussion receiver. >> okay. tight end your pregnancy? i'm not sports person. >> you know, i'm a tad concerned

herschel walker will hear the election is a month late and instinctually drive it to a planned parenthood. >> it's true. it's true. moving on, nikki you're from the midwest. in the midterms kentucky and michigan voted to protect abortion rights showing that midwestern politeness holding the door open and letting them walk into the abortion clinic without being tackled by police. >> yeah. we're sensitive creatures, you know. don't rile us up. you'll feel it eventually. >> truly. >> i didn't know kentucky and michigan had anything in common-on-the opioid crisis, but yeah. i'm glad the response, obviously. not that i'm going to, you know, need it. my womb is shutting down any day now, but i'm glad that other women might still retain the right. >> can we get a graphic up, nikki glaser's womb is shutting down. >> i sent it. >> you sent one? >> my publicist sent it.

>> who knew the same country had a meltdown over a wearing a mask in grocery store took issue with dr. oz. >> you host on hbo max the hit reality dating series three single women must discern whether 26 men are nice guys looking for love or f boys seeking cash prizes. rare example of americans connecting with a show hot people doing it. please define f boy for our audience staying respectable of our core demographic. >> okay. so, an f boy is just a guy, a single guy, that kind of treats women disposable, who doesn't really care about anyone but himself. how to differentiate from a republican? a nice guy obviously is a nice guy that will, you know, treat you right. >> well, sounds like i'm a die it in the will f boy. >> shut up. >> what nikki said and not what

keen said, f boy or nice guy. nikki, i'll say a public figure you say f boy or nice guy. getting disoriented walk through the woods, joe biden, f boy or nice guy? >> he seems like an f boy when he doesn't call you back seems like he's playing a game, but he just forgot. >> he forgot. >> he's old. he's nice guy. >> for sure. >> nice guy. felt like the same jeep he's picking you up in, this florida boy knows how to party so hard, ron desantis, f boy or nice guy? >> oh, he's a nice guy. he's not tall enough to be an f boy. >> ouch. all right. he keeps fit by spreading january 6th mob he egged on and promotes family values making sure every woman has to give birth to one, josh hawley. >> we're as proud of him as the pig killer. i would say -- f boy but the f stands for fascist or frightened. >> absolutely.

now this corn fed huff 59 at the end of his next term. it's chuck grassley, f boy or nice guy? >> chuck, that's an f boy because he's going to ghost you. the real way. >> all right. and this guy is an ass hole tucker carlson, f boy or nice guy? >> for tucker, f boy and i really love for him to be on my show because he's only person that would be on f boy and f island. >> wow. we'll have legal take a look on that one. that's how you play f boy or nice guy. i got to go make a big show about knowing the janitor's name. let's pause it there. thank you to my analyst and esteemed guest, nikki glaser. thank you so much, nikki. >> thank you, guys. >> listen to the nikki glaser podcast. she will find replacement opener now that gallagher is unavailable. when "tooning out the news" returns, highway to midterm election victory goes to "tooning out the news." if it's america, also probably a minority neighborhood. that's ahead. >> follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram and tiktok for exclusive

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in your defense those two guys are super lame. the data is clear, if you want electoral success and the cocaine high of power and also cocaine, call or email our talent booker now. all we ask is that you're incumbent member of congress, representing -- all we ask you're incumbent -- all we ask you're incumbent [ bleep ]. all we ask you're incumbent member of congress representing a shamelessly gerrymandered district that guarantees re-election. good night, everyone. >> you nailed it, dad. ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪