orrupt system. barack hussein obama. china played a very active role in the 2020 election. we will not let men, as an example, participate in women's sports. -oh, it was the trump we love! low-energy, hollow, gaunt, unsteady, sickly. it was so captivating that you could hear the crowd tip-toeing for the exits. fox news viewers were orgasming so hard that, purely out of mercy, sean hannity cut away from the speech and rarely returned to it. even ivanka trump was so swept up by the moment that she had to release a statement as long and loving as it was short and terse. great! i was just gonna say t-that we should do that! tha-- it's the best thing for all of us. cool.

cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, yeah. hundred perc-- yeah. cool, man. hey, joining me in the octagon is co-host whose miss usa pageant talent was "scurrying" bonnie davis. -good evening. -co-host who thinks all americans should start in prison and appeal their way out to society susan shephard. -hello. -co-host at the gym confidently volunteering to show you how to use a machine insanely wrong austin sparks. -great to be here. -and new york times columnist and "tooning out the news" contributor who causes fireplaces to start themselves when he walks in a room charles blow. thanks for joining us, charles. -thanks for having me. -charles, does this underdog billionaire former president with a personality cult of frothing lunatics have a shot? -well, he has a diminished shot because what the midterm showed us was that he does not have enough pull with enough voters in the right places to pull off the kinds of wins that he has promised his party that he could deliver. and that means that makes him a three-term -- three-time loser, right?

so he's lost this midterm, he lost his presidential cycle, and he lost the midterms before that. the republican party has to figure out -- do they want to hitch themselves to this person who is a habitual loser and risk losing the white house again? -trump is projecting supreme confidence. nothing says "i can draw a crowd anywhere" like holding a rally at your house. -yeah, and trump is showing the gop is the party of innovation, as members are already developing cutting-edge excuses for staying as far away from the announcement as possible. -you could tell that he wants voters to see his softer side. not once in that announcement did he call for anna wintour to be disemboweled for not waving back at him at tavern on the green. -but hark! who approaches, shaped like the horse he is riding on? it is ron desantis. he already has his sights on 2024, which is a little gauche, if you ask me. according to one poll of republican voters, trump only leads desantis by 14 points, though keep in mind that trump's been out of the spotlight,

and the more voters get to know him, the more they -- they will like him. -i do agree that desantis is trump without all the chaos. he could be way more effective at carrying out our agenda of state-sponsored cruelty. -yeah, well, all i know is nothing shows republicans' masculinity like two alphas caked in makeup trading catty insults to a fawning press. -and i don't know who to support for president, so it's time for a tyler templeton divided soul debate. alright -- tyler, tyler -- who should we throw our support behind in 2024? -you gotta go with trump. he's got everything. he's trump. he's donald trump. and let's not forget he's trump. -good point, tyler. and, tyler, what do you think? -well, trump is the past! i think voters are looking for desantis' fresh, sweaty, "i know i'm a fraud" energy. -maybe you're right, and it's time to move on. -how dare you abandon trump like that?! -he's dragging down the party! -he is the party! -stop fighting! i'll clean my room, mommy! i swear!

[ clears throat ] charles, which tyler is right? the one that's for trump and desantis or the one that's for desantis and trump? -[ laughs ] well, i can't say either one is right 'cause i'm not for either one of those guys. but, you know, it's very interesting to me to see people, uh, paint desantis as "trump without the baggage." he's trump without a lot of things. he's also trump without the charisma. -tylers: whoa! -so it would be difficult for ron desantis to run, as well. i don't see how ron desantis maximizes news coverage. i don't see how he maximizes the news cycle in the same way that trump does. and that was part of the brand. -unfortunately, we gotta leave it there. thank you, tylers. -mm-hmm. yep. -alright, i gotta go do my workout where i kick the satellite dishes off my neighbors' roofs, so let's wrap it out with "i'm not done." ♪♪ -as everyone on spaceship earth must know by now, i am host of "tooning out's" "did that just happen?" late-night show "sparks!" and this week's episode is straight fire.

first up, senator ben sasse and i prank call the cops as borat. then, you ever seen an alfredo waterslide? well, candace cameron bure's about to. and, uh, oh, yeah -- i got taylor swift tickets, and i'm giving them all to armie hammer! that's coming up on "sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sparks!" tyler? -well, finally, many political pundits provided incorrect predictions about the midterm elections, but none were more off than those from "tooning out the news'" beloved prediction turtle bobo the wise, who predicted a red wave that never formed. now, "tooning out the news" holds itself to a high standard of journalistic excellence, so, bobo, this conversation is never easy. we need to let you go. i think you know why. i don't wanna drag this out. so just leave your keycard with hr on the way out. bobo, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you! hr will pass along cobra information! -oh. let's grab drinks sometime.

-this is your steve jobs moment, bobo! -charles, any advice for bobo as he embarks on his next chapter? -[ laughs ] the only advice i would say is that, uh -- -bobo! -oh, no. oh, no. -oh, no! -n-o-o-o-o! -just hit me -- he's gonna miss tonight's "sparks!", isn't he? -alright. thank you to my co-hosts and "tooning out the news" contributor charles blow. thanks, charles. -thank you. -kylie, what sort of liberal garbage are you spewing on "virtue signal"? -thanks, tyler. tonight, we can officially declare the maga movement dead and buried, and we're getting really good at declaring that since we do it every three months. that's ahead on "virtue signal."

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♪♪ -tonight, it's time to celebrate trumpism being as dead as the six dozen doves that would have been released at tiffany trump's wedding had they not gotten into the mar-a-lago shellfish. this is "virtue signal." ♪♪ hi. i'm kylie weaver. and good evening only to the people who saw "black panther: wakanda forever" nine times this weekend like me. top story, y'all. we did it, joe. democrats retained control of the senate and possibly even the house, which could only mean one thing.

the symptom of our institutional rot is finally cured. -americans are just saying no to trumpism. -they've rejected trumpism. -the stunning rebuke to donald trump. -donald trump is not a kingmaker. -donald trump was the unmitigated loser. -donald trump is a loser. -loser. -loser. -loser. -donald j. trump is a loser. -that's right, y'all. mc-donald's trump -- because he eats so much kfc -- is done forever. just like he was done after the "access hollywood" tape, the sexual-assault allegations, his charlottesville comments, the russia investigation, the tax-return revelations, the ukraine blackmail scandal, and the january 6th riots. and now that this day is finally here, i've got my popcorn that i've had ready multiple times over seven-plus years...ready. now moving on, vice president mike pence went from pro-life freak to totally on fleek after releasing "so help me god,"

in which he goes full jason sudeikis nanny with explosive deets on his former mob boss... [italian accent] "donald trumpini from sicily." and he said this about trump's behavior on january 6th. -the president's words that day at the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the capitol building. -wow! mike "braveheart but wearing 50 pairs of underpants under his kilt" pence taking a bold stance against trump, kind of, two years later after trump nearly got his family murdered. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden white house communications director who once posted 87 replies to a single tweet from david hogg -- jordan polce. -hello, there. -former dnc chair who believes dress shoes should be uncomfortable and hideous charlotte fitzgerald. -good evening. -and lincoln project senior advisor whose eyelashes are thick with spider eggs troy lawson. -hi, kylie! -okay, panel, welcome mike pence to the resistance.

-i'm calling it! mike pence will replace chris hayes on msnbc! we can't get complacent, and complacent worm mike pence knows that. -with all this septuagenarian interpersonal drama between pence and trump, nancy meyers will absolutely adapt pence's must-read book for the screen. -and now a rare apology. the steady compass of our nation's canary island po box owners has, for the first time, led us astray, as the value of digital currency has completely collapsed. so many of us hardworking working-class workers were dragged into this scam by the very people we are supposed to trust the most -- celebrities. for shame, rich celebrities! how much money do you need? and why did you also make me create my own namesake digital currency, kylie coin, which is now worth a millionth of a penny after i sold/re-homed all my holdings at their peak?

-celebrities who back crypto need to get with the program and only endorse respectable businesses like high-interest credit cards and sports gambling websites! -kylie, i dumped my entire life savings into kylie coin, and i'm absolutely destitute, but i want you to know i am doing great! -oh, good. -for food -- yeah -- i've been -- for food, i've been stealing slop from local swine. i drink out of my neighbor's loosely guarded bird bath. i've been airbnb'ing my house and sleeping in the walls. for spending money, the high-school science teacher gives me a shot of whiskey and has the students dissect me. i've also been moonlighting as a wealthy man's bathmat. a fella at the diner pays me a quarter to tie increasingly heavy dumbbells to my scrotum. you know what can also be a shoe? two socks. i won't tell you how i make rent, but right after work, i'm dropping my boxer briefs in an envelope to croatia.

so i'm gonna be alright. -okay. he's an innovator. -aww. good for you! -we love you. we love what you're doing. -thank you. when "tooning out the news" returns, "big news" has comedian nikki glaser. i took a standup class once and killed it, but this show was just too important. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays wherever you get your podcasts. ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪ jingle all the way ♪ ♪ oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ ♪ in a one horse open sleigh (jingle bells) ♪

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ohh!!! you are down to your last life. oh no. the legend tells of a wishing star. that star will get me my lives back. the wishing star is in the dark forest. 1, 2, after you. wait, what? dog, still alive? let's go find out. these little cups would make great stocking stuffers. ♪♪ but how about right-now-in-your-mouth stuffers. happy holidays to your mouth. not sorry. reese's. i'm here to show people how to embrace their inner barista. this is the new keurig® k-café® smart brewer. brew id(tm) recognizes the k-cup® pod and recommends recipes with easy step-by-step instructions. mhmmm. oh that's delicious. he's never gonna move out. i know. i'll take an iced latte. get him a coffee! ♪♪ -tonight, comedian nikki glaser is here to talk about

donald trump 2024, the state of women's rights, and whether the only way to guarantee your right to an abortion is to be knocked up by a republican senator. it's time for some "big news." ♪♪ good evening. i am james smartwood. and i think we're all set with air shows. joining me now to look my beloved news in the eye, hand it one last fact-ini, heavy on the truth vermouth, and say, "we sure made some great headlines, but i'm glad you found your scoops-mate," is democratic strategist preparing an insurrection to install tim ryan in the senate lydia parker. -good evening. -chief washington bureau chief who can't walk through the mall without a casting agent asking him to star in a prostate drug commercial jonathan keene. -hi, there. -chief field correspondent who asks his waiters how many more bites he has to take james smartwood jr. -hello. -and comedian and host of "fboy island," nikki glaser. thank you so much for being here, nikki. -thank you so much for having me. -of course. it's our pleasure. now, nikki, there is so much to talk about,

but let's begin with donald trump announcing his run for president. what are you looking forward to from his campaign, besides him barnstorming the south with a message of "rupert murdoch's sperm count is not what it used to be"? -oh. wow. um, i guess there's not a ton to look forward to. i just have to find the bright spots. -hm. -you know, the midterms were boring without anyone calling someone's wife ugly. i'm looking forward to my mom's daily panic attacks, and, um, and it really is great for me because as a childless woman who's approaching her forties, it's nice when my parents ask me about having kids -- i can just again go like, "well, look at the state of the world. like, this -- i don't want to bring a child into this." and it kind shuts them up. -absolutely. now, look, it is trump's third presidential campaign, so he's gonna need to shake things up by finding a new powerless group to blame for our problems. i've always been disappointed in the cultural assimilation of people who let parrots eat nuts out of their mouths. -it's gonna be a tough fight. i mean, mike pence will be a worthy challenger for the few weeks before trump's mob

chases him onto a busy freeway. -absolutely. he's gonna be very formidable. now let's talk about the georgia senate race where voters could not decide between a sitting senator with a proven track record and a guy whose frontal cortex is held together with an old fraying shoelace. nikki, will herschel walker be at home in a runoff election, since running off is what he's done to so many of his families? -yeah. i mean, i-it is funny. he's up against, uh, the reverend, but herschel walker is kind of a priest. i mean, or i guess he thinks so because most people call him "father." -mm-hmm. -i always forget. what position did he play in the nfl? was it, um, running away from your family back or lyin' backer? -i think it was concussion receiver. -okay. tight...end your pregnancy. i for-- i don't -- i'm not -- i'm not a sports person. -you know, i'm a tad concerned herschel walker will hear the election is a month late and instinctually drive it to a planned parenthood. -it's true. it's true. now, moving on, nikki, you're from the midwest.

in the midterms, kentucky and michigan voted to protect abortion rights, showing that midwestern politeness means holding the door open for women and letting them walk into an abortion clinic without being tackled by police. are those votes the clearest evidence yet that women need more than a few months to move on from the state commandeering their womb? -yeah, we're sensitive creatures, you know? don't rile us up. you'll feel it, uh, eventually. -truly. -i didn't know kentucky and michigan had anything in common other than the opioid crisis. but, um, yeah, i'm glad with the response, obviously, not that i'm gonna, you know, uh, need it. my, you know, womb is shutting down any day now. but i'm glad that other women might still retain the right. -alright. can we get a graphic up? nikki glaser's womb is shutting down. oh, that looks good. okay. -i sent it. -you sent one? -i sent it over. my publicists did send it. -who knew that the same country that had a meltdown over wearing a mask at a grocery store took issue with dr. oz picking who gets to gaze inside their hoo-ha? -yes, for sure. nikki, you host "fboy island" on hbo max,

a hit reality dating series where three single women must discern whether 26 men are nice guys looking for love or fboys seeking cash prizes. it's a rare example of americans connecting with a show about hot people doing it. nikki, please define an fboy for our audience while staying respectful of our core demographic of 18-to-34-year-old men who are all handsome warrior poets. -um, okay, so, an fboy is just a guy, a single guy that kind of treats women disposably, um, who doesn't really care about anyone but himself. um... how to differentiate from a republican? um... and then a nice guy obviously is a -- is a nice guy that'll, you know, treat you right. -well, sounds like i'm a dyed-in-the-wool fboy. -shut up. alright. what nikki said, and not what keene said, brings us to our new segment, "fboy or nice guy." nikki, i'll say a public figure and you tell us fboy or nice guy. are you ready? -i'm ready. -this almost 80-year-old's perfect date is eating ice cream and getting disoriented on a walk through the woods.

joe biden. fboy or nice guy? -you know, he seems like an fboy because when he doesn't call you back, it seems like he's playing a game, but he just forgot. -he forgot. -he's old. so nice guy. -for sure. -nice guy. alright. built like the same jeep he's picking you up in, this florida boy knows how to party so hard, the entire condo collapses. ron desantis. fboy or nice guy? -oh, he's -- he's a nice guy. he's not tall enough to be an fboy. -ouch. alright. he keeps fit by sprinting from the january 6th mob he egged on and promotes family values by making sure every woman has to give birth to one. josh hawley. fboy or nice guy? -ohh! he's, um -- he's from my home state of missouri. we're about as proud of him as we are the btk killer. um, i would say -- i mean fboy, but the "f" stands for fascist or frightened. -absolutely. now, this corn-fed hunk will be 95 at the end of his next term and can't wait to introduce you to his family at his funeral. it's chuck grassley. fboy or nice guy? -oh, chuck. that's -- that's an fboy 'cause he's gonna ghost you.

the real way. -alright. and this guy's an asshole. tucker carlson. fboy or nice guy? -you know, i'm gonna say for tucker fboy, and i'd really love for him to be on my show because, um, he's the only person that would be on fboy and epstein island. -oh, wow! we're gonna have legal take a look at that one. and that's how you play "fboy or nice guy"! i gotta go make a big show about knowing the janitor's name, so let's pause it there. thank you to my analysts and esteemed guest, nikki glaser. thank you so much, nikki. -thank you, guys. -listen to "the nikki glaser podcast" and go see her on "the good girl tour." and don't worry -- she will find a replacement opener now that gallagher is unavailable. when "tooning out the news" returns, the highway to midterm election victory goes through "tooning out the news" and, if it's america, also probably a minority neighborhood. that's ahead. -follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tiktok for exclusive content.

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ho! ho! ho! ♪ what magic it would be...♪ ♪ to see you ♪ ♪ (siren) disasters don't take a break for the holidays. with your help, neither does the red cross. ♪♪ -welcome back. before we go, many pundits, pollsters, and prognosticators interrogated the deluge of the election data

to predict the outcome of the midterms and failed miserably. and why? they missed the number-one indicator of election success -- appearing on "tooning out the news." of the candidates who appeared on this series, 95% won their races. yes, 38 won, and only 2 lost. but in our defense, those two guys are super-lame. but the data is clear. if you want electoral success and the cocaine high of power, and also cocaine, then call or e-mail our talent booker now. all we ask is that you are an incumbent member of congress representing a -- all we ask is that you are an incumbent reme-- oops. all we ask is that you are an incumbent remem-- [bleep] all we ask is that you are an incumbent member of congress representing a shamelessly gerrymandered district that guarantees reelection. good night, everyone! -you nailed it, dad. woman: so they have this clock now, where you punch in your age and all your risk factors, and it actually counts down how much time you have left to live. what's the great moment? on your deathbed, they're pounding on your chest, you're going,

"ten, nine, eight-- i told you this thing was good." i can't believe this is our first date. i know. how 'bout dessert? i suppose i have to get a piece of cake. -why? -today is my birthday. what? today? really? -yep. -men singing: ♪ happy birthday ♪ to you ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday, dear lisa ♪ george: so she went out with you on a first date and it was her birthday? yeah, and she picked the day. is she socially awkward? no, she's great. she's attractive and fun. well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the monday after the weekend. she's not lincoln. -hey. -hey. anybody up for lorenzo's pizza? i'll pass. oh, really? hey, george, huh? pizza, yum-yum-yum. eh, i can't. i gotta go down to the foundation.