tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central December 8, 2022 1:15am-2:00am PST
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ed no, now you just throw it away. you had all my recipes on that filemaker program on your computer. i'll get us a new computer tomorrow. then i can see if we can pull your recipes up from ike's computer, and that way they -- ike's computer! shit! move, move, move! my computer is off the network, and -- and this computer didn't mirror that computer. but they did have the same time machine schedule, so then would any of my files be accessible? no, because they didn't know each other's ip addresses. what if you can access my e-mail account from this computer through icloud? if i go to icloud, my e-mails are deleted. good. except there's a new e-mail. that shouldn't have come in. why would an e-mail to me have come in if i deleted everything? [ beeps ] "i know who you are." you? do you know who i am? do you know who i am, ike?! no. but i want to, dad. not like that, smartass! delete. delete the account, not the e-mails. [ beeps ]
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"meet me under the freemont bridge, 9:00 a.m. tomorrow." oh, god. you dip your french fries in a sweet-and-sour sauce? yeah, it's the best, dude. try it. wow. that's really good. i'm starting to feel like life isn't gonna be so bad. yeah. i think i am, too. heidi, can i ask you something? yeah, of course. do girls... not have balls? girls do not have balls. no. so, when a girl goes to scratch her balls, how does that work? i just don't understand what's at the bottom of a vagina. do you want me to show you? holy shit.
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♪ ♪ >> announcer: coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight... raphael warnock wins georgia! trying it up on covid. and roger federer! this is "the daily show with trevor noah." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trevor: what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out in person. thank you so much for being here! thank you so much for being here! take a seat, everybody. thank you so much. we've got a great show for you tonight. mozzarella sticks are getting sued. we find out why christmas comes on january 6th this year. and herschel walker just got more time to spend without his
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family. plus, our guest tonight is the got goat himself! roger federer is here tonight! [cheers and applause] so let's do this, people. let's jump straight into today's headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] all right, before we get into the big stories, let's catch up on a few other things going on in the world. starting off with ukrainian president volodymyr zelenskyy, who today was officially declared "time" magazine's person of the year. [cheers and applause] and you might be happy but i will tell you now, vladimir putin is gonna be so mad the next time he's in the waiting room at the dentist. he's going to be like, "now to read magazine -- what?" but congrats to volodymyr zelenskyy and the ukrainian people and congrats to "time" magazine on its
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annual reminder that time magazine exists. in more international news, german authorities this morning arrested 25 followers of qanon for plotting to storm parliament and overthrow the government. which, yes, is disconcerting news. but once again, proof of how inspiring american culture is around the world. even in germany, they were like "we should also overthrow the government and then we are going to hang mike pence!" and technology news, apple music has just announced a brand-new karaoke mode that will allow you to turn down the vocals on songs that you can sing them instead. i love this. this is great news for anyone who was thinking, "i love this adele song, but what if it was sung by someone who sucks?" i think it'll be a lot of fun. now spotify is also adding this feature to its podcasts, so you can shout your own covid theories over joe rogan.
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it's going to be cool. oh, and some legal news, an illinois woman is suing the makers of tgi friday's mozzarella sticks, get this, because she discovered that they contain cheddar cheese, but no mozzarella. that's why she is suing. if you ask me, i'm impressed that these cheese sticks have cheese in them at all. yeah. i feel like most american cheese products, you look at the fine print and it's like, "technically, this is sawdust and corn syrup, but we were thinking about cheese while we were mixing it." all right, let's move on to some of the bigger stories of the day. starting with georgia, the state sitting on florida until the police can arrive. because after a year of campaigning, an election in november, and then another run-off election yesterday, the senate race in georgia is finally, mercifully, over. >> in georgia's closely watched
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senate runoff, democrat raphael warnock walking away with the win. in the nation's final contest of the midterms, the incumbent narrowly defeating his rpublican challenger herschel walker and cementing the democrats' majority in the senate, now a 51-49 advantage. >> walker was handpicked by former president trump and is at least the fifth trump-backed senate candidate to be defeated. warnock's win gives the party an extra seat to help advance their agenda. >> it is my honor to utter the four most powerful words ever spoken in a democracy. the people have spoken. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: okay, okay, congratulations to raphael warnock. i mean, i thought the four most powerful words in a democracy were "here is your sticker," but sure, i guess "the people have spoken" works too. but yes, democrats have now won 51 seats in the senate.
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and you realize what that means. basically nothing, because they lost the house. but still, 51 is bigger than 50, so it's cool. and you couldn't have had a race between two more different candidates. when you think about it. when you take a moment, when you step away from a race, you understand how crazy this was. you had raphael warnock, a pastor who is preaching at the same church as mlk. and herschel walker, a man who thinks mlk is how you spell "milk." but despite that, it was still close! in fact, if i was raphael warnock, my victory speech would not have been me smiling. mind would have been very different. he's a gracious man. he was talking about democracy and america's promise. i would have been up there like, "are you people kidding me with
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this shit? you guys are giving me a 2 point win over this walking vasectomy commercial? are you kidding me?" he is a better man. so that's that. senator warnock returns to washington, and herschel walker goes home in defeat. but don't feel bad for herschel, guys. he actually took the news quite well. his people were like, "don't let this get you down, herschel." he was like, "let what get me down?" "the senate race." "you think i should run for senate? yeah, okay! what is it?" but let's move on to some major news about coronavirus. for most americans, covid has become something you just try to ignore while you live your life, like mosquitos, or a jury duty. but in china, they've still been treating covid like an existential danger to every man, woman, and child. but believe it or not, after weeks of historic protests from the chinese people, that's all about to change. >> china's government has made a radical shift this morning officially moving away from its strict zero-covid policies. now this move appears to be in response to widespread protests
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in recent weeks, including some of the boldest demonstrations this country has seen in decades. >> china's national health commission held a press conference to announce that mandatory covid testing for most people will end immediately. they'll no longer have to show a negative test result in public places, and those armies of health workers in hazmat suits will stop locking down apartment complexes. also, people with covid won't be forced into state quarantine. they'll be able to recover at home. all that and a commitment to vaccinating the elderly sounds like common sense, but it's a huge climb down for xi jinping and the communist party, who watched protests erupt in over 20 cities with calls for freedom, not lockdowns. >> trevor: i am happy for the people of china. i genuinely am. [cheers and applause] because i don't know if you are
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following this, but these restrictions were truly wild. i mean, they wouldn't even let you quarantine at home. you had to spend it at a government core team facility that looks like a terminal at laguardia. that's messed up. one silver lining about covid's have any excuse to get out of plans. but china was like, "congrats, you've got covid and you have plans with 600 strangers." after hearing this story, i would love to see an american and a chinese citizen sit down to talk about covid. you always hear americans talking about how they feel as though they oppressed by the covid restrictions here. the chinese guy would be like, "it was brutal. i was literally boarded up in my home, beaten by the police and sent to a quarantine camp." "i feel you, brother. this one summer, i got asked to leave an applebee's. we're not different at all, my friend, we've both suffered." let's move on to some news from the world of air travel. if you fly a lot, then you know how boarding a plane goes. you get to your gate, you try to sneak in line with the boarding group ahead of yours, you put your luggage into the overhead
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bin sideways so no one else can use it, and then you sit down and put your phone in airplane mode. it has to be in airplane mode, because if anyone calls you while you're on a plane, the plane immediately crashes into an elementary school. that's how it works. it's science. well, it turns out in europe, all of that is about to change. >> could this be the potential end of putting your phone on airplane mode maybe when you take a flight? starting in june, airplane mode won't be mandatory on flights in the european union. the european commission recently ruled that airlines can provide 5g technology on board the plane, which allows passengers to send and receive calls and text messages. >> trevor: yes! finally, passengers in europe can make phone calls on planes! because every time i've been on a plane, i've always thought, "man, i wish everyone was having a different loud conversation right now. that baby can't be the only one who is allowed to make news. come on, man!" i know some people like this. i think it sucks.
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if you like as a society, we are quickly running out of places that give you excuses not to take a call. used to be able to say, "sorry, i wasn't home, i missed your call. then you had to pretend that you are in a tunnel. "sorry, i'm in the lincoln tunnel." in the tunnels got reception. than subway got receptions. now the planes have reception? pretty soon, the only excuse you will not be able to get a call is you are on t-mobile. but i mean, i guess if you really need to make a call on a plane, it's not the worst thing in the world to have the option. but i just hope the pilots don't have access to this feature. "folks, we're about to hit some major storm system, please
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return to your seats and buckle up. i will let you know when you gotten through it. it could be quite dangerous. all right, greg, this is going to take all your concentration and skills as a pilot, but you can do this. just focus. just focus. [phone ringing] oh, shit, it's wendy! hey, girl, what's going on? nah, i'm not doing anything, you know me, i'm just living my life." [screams] [applause] terrible. all right, that's it for today's headlines, let's move on to something that everyone loves. it's time to check today's lotto numbers with dulce sloan. [cheers and applause] >> so good to see you, friend. hello! >> trevor: dulce, what are
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today's winning numbers? >> yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, trevor, here which you are saying. nobody wants people on a plane on the phone. but have you ever overheard a good argument? i'm talking about tea, poured fresh from the exit row. come on! picture this. you are in an international flight, the movie is trash, you've already ate, there's nothing to do. and then suddenly, you hear stacy in the middle seat called her husband and tell him she's pregnant because she took a pregnancy test and a terminal bathroom. and then he says "pregnant, how? we haven't had to sex in six months." what? can you even get a pregnancy test and hudson news in the airport? did she bring it from home? whose baby is this? so now, we've got something to do! now all of us in row 18 need to decide if he is going to divorce her!
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right? what you are all the way in row 23 and the good shit is in row 18 so the flight attendant has to get on the p.a. and say, "stacey's break, we don't know if it is her husband's or somebody else," we don't want this information to come, also, we are at 30,000 feet, blah, blah, blah." everybody on the plane has to go, is this a miracle or a sin? right? is stacy a hero or is she a harlot incorporated? either way, this is my in-flight movie now and this is people coming together as a people. okay? [applause] because what the people love to do: he and other people's business! [cheers and applause] and that is why i think that we should have phone calls on
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airplanes! thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you, thank you. >> trevor: wait, so what happened with the baby? >> i don't know! see, that's what i'm saying. i wasn't going to scotland but now i have to follow this lady to get the rest of the story! i was on my way to dubai, now i have to go back to scotland and see what is up to! >> trevor: can't wait to find out, dulce, but we are running out of time. can we get to the lotto numbers? >> listen to me by way, she's an atlanta girl, a georgia peach. , and atlanta was going wild last night over the victory. it was so turned up, my friend's son was late to school this morning and he is 10. trevor, this was a real battle of southern politics. a pastor and a football player? the god of football? and the god of god?
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and i am glad herschel didn't win. we are all very happy that black headed man did not win. but the problem is, now that he is not running, we don't know where he is at. >> trevor: [laughs] >> during the election, i felt safe. he was on camera all the time. okay? but now he is incognito and f free. listen, this man is a menace, he'll be running around impersonating fbi agents, okay? getting everybody and their mama pregnant. this is an emergency, emergency! [applause] when i say come everybody and their mama i'm worried because my mama lives in georgia! we got to find this man, okay? listen, i know a couple places he won't be, a library. >> trevor: [laughs] >> the condom section of cbs,
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family court. we know where he is not going to be. listen, america, for just $0.65 a day, you can help me find herschel walker. >> trevor: dulce, dulce, people will have the money to help you if you can help them with the lotto numbers. can we get the winning numbers? >> of course, of course. today's winning number is... herschel walker. mr. walker, you just need to come down to the studio and claim your prize, and please, do not pay attention to the giant cage above your head. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: dulce sloan, everybody! [cheers and applause] the weirdest lotto number i've ever gotten. all right, when we come back we'll get a sneak peek at the the season's best christmas movie. plus, the legendary roger federer still joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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♪ ♪ >> trevor: you ever had one of those days where you thought you had something in your pocket but you check it? i think we should all proceed carefully. i don't know if you know this but kamala harris lives here. hello? i need those documents on my desk by the end of the day. luckily, though, i have been going to speech therapy, and i am slowly getting better, meet. do the sword dance. dance with the sword. dance, now put your hands on the glowing orb. he's doing the dance! is doing it! we've been through a lot this season. god save the queen, i miss her so much. >> i still wish i went to american school. you know what school? being a doctor. yes, i have voted for your mama. oh, look at that. i voted twice. oh, oh. ♪ ♪
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[applause] [cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's the holiday season, the time of year when we bring a tree into our living room so we can sing songs around it while we watch it slowly die. it's also the time when tv networks drop dozens of holidays movies where white people meet and fall in love thanks to the power of christmas. it's a tradition that we at "the daily show" love so much, we wanted to get in on ourselves. so please enjoy this trailer for our own upcoming holiday movie. ♪ ♪ >> he was a poll worker doing his part in the local election. >> no matter who you are voting, democracy... >> shut up. >> she was a self-appointed
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election monitor. >> he is harvesting ballots! that is voter fraud! 2,000 and yield! hey! hey! >> but a mandatory recount brought them together. >> hey, you can't take that is votes. >> they belong here underneath this randomly hung mistletoe. ♪ ♪ >> now this holiday, they will be learning how to steal... each other's hearts. ♪ ♪ >> [laughs] >> but how can two people share a night together when they can't share a democracy? >> christmas town has a new mayor. it came down to one final ballot. >> and the final vote is for the democrat. >> you... you!
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you wearing to the election and ruined christmas! >> just because the republican lost doesn't mean it was rigged. >> the only thing lost here is you losing me. >> oh, man. this is really a low part of our story. >> win elections hopes are robbed, sometimes all you need is a christmas miracle. [chanting] >> get ready, boys. we are going end. >> excuse me. have you got room for one more patriot for this insurrection? >> if we are going to do this, we are going to do it together. >> this holiday season, make sure you cast... a vote for love. >> trevor: >> trevor: can't wait to angrily watch that! all right, stay tuned because when we come back,
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♪electronic music playing♪ ♪electronic music playing♪ quaker instant oatmeal has upped its game with protein! 10g of protein heart-healthy* whole grains. and so delicious, you can see why these oats are the grain of all time. quaker oats. a super-trusted superfood. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is one of the greatest tennis players and one of the greatest athletes of all time. he is a 20-time grand slam champion. he is also a philanthropist,
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entrepreneur, and one of the classiest people you will ever meet. please welcome roger federer! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trevor: roger federer himself. >> nice to see you. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you. >> trevor: it is so good to have you here. you have, for over two decades now, in many ways, defined a sport. you have defined how people see it, you have defined how people try and play it. you are a move. i don't know if you ever think how amazing that is, where people will say, i am doing a federer backhand. you have transcended the sport. every single human being, who, even if they don't know you personally, says roger federer is the greatest of all time not
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just because of what he achieved in terms of numbers, but how he defined the sport. for instance, you had the record for a very long time, 20 grand slams. then rafa beats it with 21, then novak beats it with 22 and yet when you talk to them, they say, roger federer is who we are aspiring to and he defines how we are trying to play it. i would love to know, is it a little bit irritating that they are using you to beat your record? or does it strike you that these are your greatest competitors saying, yeah, but you are still the pinnacle of what we are trying to be? >> no, no, look, i feel like i am very lucky to be that guy. ever since they have come on tour, i've been there. i think that's a great moment for them to show who they are without that federer halo, being around, especially a young generation, who weren't allowed
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to say, i want to win a u.s. open because they were told that you can't say that because novak and roger were playing so they are the ones who said you are not allowed to say that, so i think the end was very emotional, and to be actually on such a great sort of a friendship, really, with the guys at the very end of my career after everything that we have gone through, brutal matches, great wins, tough losses, and at the end, always having this camaraderie is amazing. maybe a little anecdote, because maybe if people don't know, because we share the same locker rooms, same restaurants, so we see each other all the time. we even practice together. >> trevor: that is something i think a lot of people don't know. when i found that out, it was one of the strangest ideas i had to wrap my head around. i don't think there are many sports where the greatest rivals practice with each other. i always go, i think of kung fu movies as a kid, i don't want you to know my secrets or tricks. you would hit with each other. you would practice -- >> that is why i ended up not practicing very much
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against novak and rafa. not so much with those guys. >> trevor: okay, that make sense. there's a camaraderie that for instance, many were shocked, especially people that don't watch tennis, when you were saying goodbye to the sport, so many people were sad because i think for many -- myself included -- we felt like we were robbed of the last few years, covid robbed us of so much in our personal lives, in societal lives, but also in moments like this. we got robbed of two years of roger federer playing the game. it felt like your retirement came so early. when you did say goodbye -- to us, it did. >> not for me. >> trevor: [laughs] your knees are telling a different story. >> i was hanging on. >> trevor: but there's that amazing video of players saying goodbye to you and it's this clip of you and rafael nadal crying. >> we are all crying. >> trevor: you were all crying, you are in tears, you are bawling together, and that
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was a special moment. >> you know, i really think -- this is a very unusual situation for us to be on the same team, number one, because i think that changed the whole dynamics of my farewell, if you want. and then, my hope was i could play doubles with rafa, after the u.s. open and it was very emotional phone call actually because it was one of the first time i told somebody outside of my team and family, hey, rafa, before you make any plans, i would love to play maybe one last doubles with me. it would be amazing, because unfortunately, my knee is not so good anymore. i think it's the end, you know? he's like, yeah, oh, my god, i will be there. it was one of the first times i had to tell that story and come to terms, like the career is ending. so when he showed up and novak was there, murray was there, everyone was there, it was an amazing moment, and then, i knew it was going to be incredibly
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emotional. i've always quite a lot in victory and in defeat when i was younger. i don't know why but i do it but i'm happy because i remember those moments even more so because of it, and then when it it was amazing to do it in london where i had so much success. it was beautiful. rafa there holding my hand briefly. >> trevor: [laughs] >> or i held his hand actually. [laughter] >> trevor: hands were held, it doesn't matter. >> it was amazing. >> trevor: you're going to have, and you will always be synonymous with the sport. as i said, you can't separate roger federer from the sport itself now. and yet, i was shocked to hear a story, which i don't know if it was true or not. i was like, roger federer, everyone in tennis, the name is synonymous with the sport. and then someone was like, you know, roger couldn't get into wimbledon. i was like, that is not possible. he is roger federer. is that true? is there a semblance of truth to that? >> yeah. >> trevor: i need to talk about this. >> it was actually two weeks
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ago. i came back to wimbledon, actually to london to come see a doctor for having a second opinion on my knee because my knee has been not great lately. i didn't want to tell wimbledon that i was going to maybe be there, didn't know if i was going to have time to go by the club because i was going to fly home to the family. so doctor appointment was done, looked at the watch, okay, we've got two hours to kill, so what are we going to do? do we head to the airport? let's quickly go have tea at wimbledon. >> trevor: of course. >> i get out until my coach who was with me at the time, i quickly go and speak to the security lady, i got this. >> trevor: [laughs] >> i did not. [laughter] so i get out and i am like, yes, hello, i was just wondering how i can get into wimbledon. you know, where's the door? where is the gate? and she is like, do you have a membership card? i'm like -- because when you win wimbledon, you become a member automatically.
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yes, and honestly, i don't know about membership cards, probably at home somewhere, i've just been traveling so i have no idea. so i'm like, no, i don't have my membership card but i am a member, just wondering where i can get in. and she says, but you have to be a member. so i'm like, okay, it's going to be difficult here. i was like, no, i am a member and normally i am here. i have to start again, right? so i tell her, normally when i'm here, i am playing. and there is loads of people and i come in a different way and this is the first time i am not here, while the tournament is not on, and i don't know where to get in so i'm just asking you again where can i get in. she said, on the side, but you have to be a member. i look at her one last time in a panic now, i'm so sorry, i still can't believe i said that, because i still feel bad about it and i look at her and i said, i have won this tournament eight times. please, please, i am a member.
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>> trevor: [laughs] >> where do i get in? i'm like, okay. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> it was -- so then, i get back so i go around on the other side, so i get out of the car, and a random person walks on the walkway, says, oh, federer, can't believe you are here at wimbledon. can we take a selfie? i'm like, yes! let's take a picture! and the security guards that are there, they are like, oh, my god, mr. federer, what are you doing here? do you have your membership card? i went, no, i don't, but is it possible to get in? of course, we will open the door, let me organize it, i walk in, the chairman was there, everybody, i was having tea for an hour. and i thought of going to the other side and giving a wave that i was in. but i didn't do it. [cheers and applause]
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>> trevor: you would never do that. you would never do that. [cheers and applause] i believe she deserves a raise. >> she was doing her job, absolutely. >> trevor: "i need your membership card, sir." >> you know how it goes sometimes. they do their job. >> trevor: where's the membership card? >> where is your name, where's your picture, you don't have it, i am sorry. >> trevor: i like that, i like it a lot. what i have enjoyed about knowing you, we have so many things in common. you may not know this is an audience, roger and i have many things in common. we both are half swiss, half south african. [cheers and applause] we both speak multiple languages, we both played at the record holding -- >> we both play tennis. >> trevor: we both play tennis, we do. we do. world record for a tennis match, we might still have it. >> i played for 20 plus years, right?
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but to break the record, i needed you. >> trevor: you needed help. i don't think it would have happened without me. we have between us 20 grandstand titles, it's crazy. [applause] and you know, in many ways, we both are moving on to something different, i would love to know from your side, as an athlete who has defined yourself as something for so long, and that people have defined you as something for so long, you have talked about how hard the idea of moving on has been. the idea of what you will do in tennis isn't your life but i have noticed that you have almost seamlessly slid into everything. you know, your clothing is everywhere. your shoes. one of my camera guys on the team, he was like, these are like walking on clouds! but -- and you have done everything exceptionally. your philanthropy. all of the work you have done to help education in africa. roger federer has excelled at everything in life.
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one thing you are doing exceptionally right now, that is an ambassador of swiss tourism. i don't know if you've seen the ads. they are really amazing. they are some of the funniest ads. you did with anne hathaway. the one with robert de niro was one of my favorites. i was intrigued by this because i came to switzerland for the first time on my comedy tour. roger reached out -- this is the kind of person this man is, this is roger federer. the greatest tennis player who has ever lived, one of the greatest athletes of all time, and i get a call when i'm in switzerland. he goes, "i know you are here. would you like me to maybe -- would you like to go for lunch maybe and talk about switzerland? would you like me to show you around?" i'm like, can you? it is so gracious and so unassuming. like, i would expect, "i know you are here, you're going with me." no, roger federer is like, "if you would like maybe..." >> it was great to see you. your show was unbelievable. >> trevor: you are one of the best tour guide of swiss tourism.
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you are a great ambassador for switzerland, a great ambassador for the sport of tennis and honestly, a great ambassador for human beings. thank you for everything you have done. [cheers and applause] thank you for taking the time to be here. it is a pleasure. roger federer, everybody. we will take a quick break. we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight but before we go: once again, this holiday season consider supporting feeding america, the largest hunger-relief organization in the united states. if you want to support their amazing work getting nourishing food to the people who need it most, please donate at the link below. until next time, stay safe out there and remember: if it first you don't succeed, please, herschel, don't do it again. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> lets dance because we deserve it! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ bmw -- you're a lawyer. tonight on "tooning out the news," smart talk tonight interviews author george r.r. martin and asks if his books romanticized wars by ending them in a victory instead of a hasty retreat with interpreters dangling from a dragon's wing. plus, the liberal virtue signal looks at how the new democratic leadership will bring a fresh 21st century take on maintaining the status quo. but first we have full coverage of senator warnock's defeat of herschel walker thanks to georgia voters' bigotry against the violently unhinged. this is hot take. ♪ ♪ what's up traffic-copter flashers? i'm host who uses duct tape as a belt, tyle
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