♪ bmw -- you're a lawyer. tonight on "tooning out the news," smart talk tonight interviews author george r.r. martin and asks if his books romanticized wars by ending them in a victory instead of a hasty retreat with interpreters dangling from a dragon's wing. plus, the liberal virtue signal looks at how the new democratic leadership will bring a fresh 21st century take on maintaining the status quo. but first we have full coverage of senator warnock's defeat of herschel walker thanks to georgia voters' bigotry against the violently unhinged. this is hot take. ♪ ♪ what's up traffic-copter flashers? i'm host who uses duct tape as a belt, tyler templeton.

top story -- despite maga republicans running a once in a generation political wunderkind like planned parenthood platinum medallion member herschel walker, the establishment refused to throw the entirety of their credibility and war chest behind the little engine that could threaten to murder his next wife. and so herschel walker has appeared to lose to man cursed by god to eternally run for georgia senate, raphael warnock, giving the democrats 51 senate seats. afterward walker said this -- >> so i wanna say i'm never gonna stop fighting for georgia. i'm never gonna stop fighting for you 'cause you're my family. >> touching words, but that's not a metaphor. the audience was literally his family and the rest of his kids watching from a nearby stadium. that said, the race isn't over. we have zero percent reporting from the other 49 states and we all know herschel's most reliable voting block is voters with brain damage who do need a little extra time to accidentally wander into a voting booth.

but from these electoral ashes, the maga movement will rise like a phoenix and in two years proudly and honorably get absolutely walloped again. let's bring in the panel. we've got co-host who jumps into the restaurant aquarium to choose her crab, bonnie davis. >> hello. >> co-host whose cocktail bar pick up line is, hey, you pile of filth, susan shepherd. >> good evening. >> co-host getting a heroic dose of radiation from his off-brand kettle bells, austin sparks. >> tyler. >> yeah? >> hey. >> oh. and the host of pbs' "firing line" with margaret hoover and republican who weirdly doesn't think ballots should be filled out with an assault rifle, margaret hoover. thanks for joining us, margaret. >> you're welcome, tyler. good to be here. >> now margaret, is this result a sign that the establishment republicans need to shift further right to make fringe nut jobs like walker palatable to voters? >> sadly, it's the opposite actually, tyler. what we saw is that across the

country culminating in this election this week, republican voters and regular voters, ordinary voters, democrats, republicans, independents, rejected conspiracy theories, rejected extremes and rejected this notion that the election lies in 2020 were a real thing. ultimately herschel walker wrapped his arms around donald trump, wrapped his arms around many of these conspiracy theories, not even just the election conspiracy theories from 2020, and georgia voters rejected that. >> yeah. the problem is walker didn't have concrete plans. sure, he talked about werewolves, but how will you actually put one struggling with its conflicting internal dichotomy in every forest? >> maybe it's time that the party stop drafting inexperienced celebrities or january 6th insurrectionists into big races and start researching whether there's some third type of psycho. >> now, a just god would never allow such an honorable man of faith like herschel walker to lose to a pastor.

so it's time for a hot take declaration of war on god. your reign is over, god. hot take will hunt down your cloud throne. i know what you look like. i drew you from memory. you have pulsing pecks, delicious thighs and, sure, i guess you look exactly like little nas x which brings us to a hot take alert. do not read into that. moving on now, now, now, now. the fallout continues from the bombshell report that twitter honored the biden campaign's request to remove photos of hunter biden violating our constitutional right to see the future first son's taint. now, donald trump is immune from displaying hypocrisy on this since his social media platform truth social has zero effect on elections or life in general. he posted there, simply put, if an election is irrefutably fraudulent, it should go to the rightful winner or at a minimum be redone.

yes! a fair election depends on every voter possessing all the worldly penile knowledge. thusly, we must redo the 2020 election. so let's go back to november 2, 2020. oh, my god. it's 2020. do you know how much money we can make if we bet on sports? can anyone remember what happened in a sports game? >> i remember there was a kentucky derby. >> yes. a horse won. yeah. let's put all our money on a horse winning the kentucky derby. bonnie, where did you go? >> to see a dinosaur. >> oh, my god. make it try hot sauce please. what if i meet my mom and i fall in love with her? ah, screw it. we'll make it work. bonnie, was the t-rex pissed? >> all the dinosaurs look like cars. >> whoa. lucky. >> this place is nuts. let's go back to present day. crap. we forgot to redo the election. well, moving on. i will admit that after herschel walker's defeat, the maga movement is recognizing the subtle signs america may not be enchanted with our ballot box poison, but we can totally be normal.

which brings us to our new segment -- a hot take moment of reasonable republicanism. we must keep tax rates low to foster american ingenuity and innovation. >> we need a stronger border, but not at the expense of the basic humanity of asylum seekers. >> america must maintain a strong national defense with war always being our last resort. >> margaret, do we sound like we could join you at the regatta in cambridge this weekend? >> yeah. you just -- all you need to add is we believe in the sanctity of marriage between two people, and that's okay if it's between two people of the same gender. >> i can't do this anymore. there's too much blood in my brain. it's time for a hot take moment of actual republicanism. i say one acre, one vote. light that piano on fire. >> yeah. whoa! >> all right. i'm gonna go get ready for bed

by jumping up and down until my pants come off. so let's wrap it there. sorry. we didn't have time for elon musk making the best of his animal killing debacle and debuting a new neurolink monkey burger stand. thank you to my co-host and guest margaret hoover. >> thanks. >> kylie, what has george soros personally typed into your teleprompter tonight? >> thanks, tyler. tonight nancy pelosi passes the torch to a new generation of democratic leaders who will also use it to light the way for dark money. that's ahead on virtue signal. ♪ ♪ i'm here to show people how to embrace their inner barista. this is the new keurig® k-café® smart brewer. brew id(tm) recognizes the k-cup® pod and recommends recipes with easy step-by-step instructions. mhmmm. oh that's delicious. he's never gonna move out. i know. i'll take an iced latte. get him a coffee! the holidays were awkward for romeo and juliet. ♪♪ thankfully, amazon had just the gift to bring the families together. ♪♪

shop legendary deals. christmas trees try so hard. lights, ornaments, and lil choo choo trains. c'mon. the best trees, they kinda only need two things. peanut butter and chocolate. not sorry. reese's. ticketmaster -- your front row seat to extortion. tonight, we stand how the new democratic leadership will give much-needed representation to the party's rank and file hedge fund managers. this is virtue signal. ♪ ♪

hi, i'm kylie weaver and, i really ate that pizza slice i posted on my instagram story. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden white house communication director jordan polce. >> hello. >> former dnc chair who has never touched an animal, charlotte fitzgerald. >> good evening. >> and lincoln project senior adviser frequently kicked out of weddings for nasal wheezing, troy lawson. >> hi, kylie. >> top store y'all. after queen nancy pelosi prematurely stepped down as leader of the party after just two decades of fanatical control, house democrats have elected a bold new degrassi generation of leaders ready to usher in a new era of the current era, and my friends in the liberal media could not be more excited. >> house democrats elected a new generation of leaders. >> a new generation into politics. >> generational change. >> generational shift. >> a generational shift. >> young leadership.

>> and as lizzo would say, it's about damn time. >> and as kylie would say, it's about damn time white women started appropriating lizzo to liven up their otherwise inert political drivel. and how transformative is incoming house minority leader hakeem jeffries? when it came to donations from greedy lobbyists he refused to take the most donations of any house democrat and instead took the second most. and he told wall street, i will never ever be one of the top four recipients of your money. but fifth is fine. that's right. the socialist king doesn't need wall street because his support comes from small, individual contributors 3% of the time. >> these new democratic leaders are practically babies. ages 52, 59, 43 and 82. is that a k-pop band? >> and it's so exciting to finally have leaders who use references and language we relate to when fighting tooth and nail against universal health care. >> congressman jeffries is just another millennial struggling to make rent.

that's why he has to share a tiny office with 80 lobbyists. moving on, we all know i believe in standing up to bullies, whether by kicking them in the shins or incinerating them using the pentagon's just unveiled b-21 raider stealth bomber. ugh, i love my curvy death machine. and the pentagon must have gotten it from the thrift shop because it's an absolute steal at an average cost of almost $700 million each. that's money well spent, assuming the state of the art long-range striker is no more complicated than its website which earlier this week did not work. the biden administration is hailing this airborne reason you'll never retire as a central element in washington's effort to keep china in check. and why do they need to keep china in check? because they are bad. just ask secretary of state antony blinken. >> does the biden administration support the protesters in china? >> of course we do. we support the rights of people everywhere, whether it's in

china, whether it's iran, whether it's any place else. >> exactly. america must support people around the world against whichever convenient enemies will justify our next trillion dollar defense bill. panel, america is so the mom of the friend group of nations. they know everyone's birthday and the exact day they're going to die. >> i bet the reason the price is so high is that these bombers also stealthily target appalachia with desperately needed medicaid. >> uh-huh. okay. i'm going to an opening at an art gallery. my life is literally a movie. that's all the time we have. when "tooning out the news" returns, dr. ike bloom interviews george r.r. martin about how he finally cracked the code on making sex and violence entertaining. stick around. i'm still buzzing from francia

beating polonia -- tres to uno. >> "tooning out the news" the >> "tooning out the news" the

♪ holiday music ♪ ♪♪ t-mobile won't raise the price of your talk, text and data.

look what the cat dragged in. ♪♪ trust me. you call that cute? ooh! with the paws? with the hat? these little cups would make great stocking stuffers. ♪♪ but how about right-now-in-your-mouth stuffers. happy holidays to your mouth.

not sorry. reese's.

♪ christie auction house -- this old pen is worth $18,000. good evening. i'm host and guy loudly pointing out an anachronisms at epcot center, dr. ike bloom. tonight, my conversation with author george r.r. martin. i'll ask him how he pulls off the seemingly impossible, being a world-famous wealthy fantasy author who isn't transphobic. this is smart talk tonight. ♪ ♪ george, i want to thank you very much for being here and i hope it's okay that this interview will not end in and orgy of blood and violence. [ laughter ] >> now, "a song of ice and fire" is nearly 4,300 pages. when you're writing do you ever get to page 3,800 and think,

wait, who the hell is goran again? >> you know, oddly, no. i have a -- maybe i'm a little deranged, but i remember all these people from westeros and essos with the weird names. on the other hand, i constantly forget people in real life. but i will remember a minor knight who was in the entourage of jamie lannister from the third book. i don't know what that says about me, but probably nothing good. >> in the world of "game of thrones" who's been the hardest character for you to kill? my guess is fish-eyed warlock number seven. >> well "the red wedding" where a number of people died was probably the hardest thing i ever wrote. i'd been writing about those characters -- that was in the third book. i'd been writing about those characters for, you know a decade or more in both of the previous novels and much of that third book. so it was very hard to write

that particular chapter. >> why do you think your work has connected with such a vast audience, considering the amount of riveting fantasy novels like my own unappreciated work, "alsinoth: the realm that stinks." >> you know, if i knew why it was so successful i would have done it 20 years earlier. i think i would write stories even if they were not published 'cause i think it's something i've been doing, as i said, since kindergarten, since i learned how to write. but, telling the stories and then putting out stories for people to read and enjoy, that's a big, big part of it. like an actor going on stage, and maybe they'll throw rotten fruit at him or maybe they'll applaud, but you want the audience and telling the story for people to enjoy. that's a big part of the motivation. >> i will point this out -- you didn't even bother to ask why alsinoth stinks. the ego on this guy. >> i -- i didn't, but -- >> would you like to ask me? >> certainly.

why? >> well, george, if i could sum it up in a sentence, i wouldn't have written 3,200 pages on it. now, any chance you could give me a blurb for "alsinoth: the realm that stinks"? to make it easy, i've drafted a couple of straightforward, generic options for your consideration. >> okay. "alsinoth: the realm that stinks" is the finest novel ever written. compared to ike's epic saga, my life's work amounts to nothing. also, i heard he's an absolute dynamo in the sack. >> that -- that is so nice of you and actually i think there's a backup option if that one doesn't work. >> yes. in a word -- wow. in another word -- wowza. in several words -- wowie, wowzers and flibbrti, wow, wow, kazooey. >> i think we will go with the first one.

now in "house of the dragon" an elderly, feckless king's inaction leads to civil war. on an unrelated note, you endorsed joe biden in 2020. will you support him again in 2024? >> i will. i definitely will. you said "game of thrones" was inspired by "war of the roses." i have some ideas for characters. are you ready? >> sure. >> joe biden lord cotton candy hair. chuck schumer the adjacent never king. donald trump, sire of strange faced adult son. clarence thomas, the freak king of frown. >> okay. >> tucker carlson, caucasian the replaceable. >> excellent.

now fans are upset with you because it's been a staggering 11 years since you published a book in the "a song of ice and fire" series. let's just bang this thing out right here, right now, just the two of us. joplin, can you please bring in the laptop? all right. here we go. page one. >> i did page one already. >> fine. page two. okay. the main guy wakes up. he gets his sword out of the closet or whatever. chops up some breakfast, then -- what? what does he do next? >> well, he would have his dragon roast it if he's a dragon rider. you don't want uncooked breakfast. >> you know, george, i don't think that's what the main guy would do. let's go ahead and remove the laptop. do you know the author james patterson? >> i do. >> well, he's published 22 books this year alone and luckily he's

a dear friend. let's get him on the line and see if he can get you some tips on how to be a successful author. [ phone trilling ] >> hello? >> james? >> yeah. >> james, old chum. it's your old pal dr. ike bloom. now, james, i know you're cranking out your third book of the day, so i won't keep you. >> i don't crank. i very carefully, carefully, carefully turn these books out. it's not cranking. >> now, i know you are, let me say, carefully crafting out your third book of the day. >> that's good. yeah, there we go. >> so i won't keep you here long. i'm here with a struggling writer -- let me revise that -- truly pathetic, who is having trouble meeting deadlines. do you have any advice you can share? >> yeah. well, how long is the -- what kind of deadline are we missing here? >> it was 11 years ago.

>> 11? wow. okay. i've heard of writer's block. this is more like writer constipation. i actually have the opposite problem. i suffer from writer's diarrhea. >> no need to insult diarrhea. >> do you use a computer or type or how do you do work? >> i do. i use my faithful dos computer with wordstar. >> okay, well, try something else then 'cause that's not working. how many pages do you have so far in this 11 years? >> like 1,100, 1,200, something like that. >> 1,100? >> yeah. it's not done yet though. >> well, then your problem's solved. >> i need another 400, 500. >> break down the 1,100 pages into three books. you submit them one each year. you submit, you know, one book per year and they'll be happy, and certainly you'll be ahead of schedule.

>> james one last thing. would you be willing to blurb my would you be willing to blurb my new novel entitled "alsinoth: ♪♪ you pour your heart into everything you do, which is a lot. so take care of that heart with lipton. because sippin' on unsweetened lipton can help support a healthy heart. lipton. stop chuggin'. start sippin'. this holiday season... it's gonna be busy. it's gonna be emotional.

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hello from your friends at "tooning out the news."

due to macroeconomic factors beyond our control, "tooning out the news" will go through a limited period of targeted belt tightening in the form of panicked budget cuts and slash and burn layoffs. effective immediately we are saying a fond farewell to the following shows -- "youth watch" with chris wallace. "hilaria baldwin prime time." "world news now" with british guy. "top story" with bald guy. "inside politics" with chris cuomo and keith olbermann and also chris matthews. "vanilla nothing" with john king. "what's fareed zakaria eating now" and "saturday chuck todd live." change is hard. we have no further comment at ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪