was more like a "happy days" reunion special than a movie. the choice is yours, america. please make the right one. the danish claim they will soon have the ability to publish anyone's internet history. we have to act fast, mrs. sandwich. i'll have you treat me with more respect. haven't you seen the polls? it's president elect sandwich. we might not want to get too far ahead of ourselves. troll trace must be stopped. who is skankhunt42? we believe...he's the only one who can save you now. here we are. we made it. we did? yeah, we have to go with plan "b," 'member? ooh, i 'member! sorry, asshole. end of the line for you. [ muffled ] that's okay. i 'member. [ screams ] [ plops ] here you are, ma'am. gin and tonic.

thanks. should be an interesting election this year, huh? [ sips ] buckle up, buckaroos. >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, leslie jones! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> leslie: yeah! hey! [cheers and applause] what's going on, everybody? yes! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm leslie jones! that's right, they let me back for another night! [cheers and applause]

so let's go! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ all right! you guys on tiktok, right? well, i got bad news. if you are on tiktok, you got to drop out of college. because universities across the country are banning tiktok from school wifi because they're worried that china might be spying on them. yeah. and you know what, good. get these kids off tiktok. i'm tired of seeing little ashley's amazing hack for how to flip grilled cheese in a pan. [cheers and applause] you don't think i know how to flip a pan, bitch? or make grilled cheese? i've been flipping pans and making grilled cheese since before you were born! so don't talk to me like i'm stupid!

you're stupid! stupid 24-year-old with your dewy [bleep] skin. [bleep] you and your youth! okay, i think i got off subjects. i'm sorry. next up, the tsa announced that they seized record numbers of guns at airport checkpoints last year. and let me tell you something, if i am bringing a gun through checkpoint, you ain't taking it from me. i got a gun! but honestly, i think this makes it more interesting for tsa people because you know they get bored and they are probably happy when they actually find a gun. you know? "dildo. dildo. dildo.

two dildos. oh! an a.k.! we got an a.k.! it's happening, guys! it's happening! compensate that gun! and get the dildo! you a nasty terrorist!" [cheers and applause] whoo! moving on. y'all know george santos, right? with his creepy ass. if you don't, he's the new republican congressman who we found out lied about his entire life. he made up a whole career as a businessman! he made up that his family was jewish and his mom was a victim of 9/11! ew. ew. do you know how much you have to lie to be known the "lying

congressman"? [applause] i mean, all these [bleep] do is lie all day, but you ask them "who's the liar?" they're all like, "this guy." wait until you hear what shit he did. >> representative george santos has allegedly stolen $3,000 in donations from a disabled homeless veteran's dying service dog. santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran and set up a gofundme page that would be deleted as soon as it hit its goal, and then santos disappeared altogether. [boos] >> leslie: exactly. so you telling me, this man didn't steal $3,000 from a dog. he didn't just steal from a service dog. he didn't just steal from a dying service dog.

he stole from a disabled homeless veteran's dying service dog. [boos] oh, my god! you evil and stupid! you're going to mess with somebody's dog have you not heard of john wick? your ass is in trouble! don't mess with another veteran dog. this guy is so evil, i wonder if they put him in there on purpose so i can't pay attention to the other evil people. anyone got any eyes on marjorie taylor greene? what is that bitch up to? she's probably got garfield tied up in her office. i'm serious. like, what does this man have to do to get thrown out of

congress? he's a [bleep] liar. black people don't get believed when they actually tell the truth. barack obama was like, "i was born in america" and people were like, "bullshit! where's you're birth certificate?" this guy is like, "i was a millionaire jewish volleyball star." and y'all like, "hell, yeah, put him in congress!" sick of y'all shit. and finally, i don't know if y'all been eating breakfast lately, but breakfast is in trouble, son. >> the latest economic numbers show inflation is slowing down, but not for people who buy eggs. the average price for a dozen eggs has more than doubled over the past year. shortages around the country are hurting producers and putting more stress on consumers and businesses. >> why is there a shortage right now? what's going on? >> well, i'm sure you heard, there is a bird flu in the midwest. >> at egg tuck, a breakfast spot in los angeles that goes through

up to 6,000 eggs a week, costs have quadrupled, and they're feeling it. >> all of our courses are made with eggs. >> meanwhile, the line of cars is about 30 minutes long at billy's egg farm in southern california. and workers are scrambling to meet demand. >> leslie: well, wait a minute. [laughs] bitch, why are you buying so many eggs? what the, there is an egg shortage right now because a ton of chickens got bird flu. which isn't surprising, you know? because chickens are freaky little disgusting creatures. and god, how i love to eat what they shit out their bird pussies early in the morning. [cheers and applause]

i got to say "bird pussies" on air! [laughs] i love it! but this is serious. people need eggs so badly, the chickens are gonna start getting cocky. "what's up, bitch? you want these eggs? what you gonna do for me? i'll tell you what i want: i want a a new barn. i want an assistant. i want to fly business class and an extra large flat screen and aps five. and one more thing. sell sally to popeyes.

bye, bitch!" [cheers and applause] all right. for more on this egg story, let's now go to a man who deserves to be knee-deep in chicken shit, y'all give it up for michael kosta. [cheers and applause] >> hi, leslie. it's great to see you again. >> leslie: no, it ain't. >> okay, i see. just so everybody knows: leslie and i have a bit of a history. but don't worry, we're going to be totally professional. >> leslie: i ain't about to be professional about shit. you should've been professional when you was dating my homegirl. >> okay, leslie, love is complicated and i would rather not share the details of such a private matter, okay? what ultimately, relationships do end. the eggs. >> leslie: don't get yourself out of this. >> leslie, i don't know what she told you but she cheated on me

three times. >> leslie: oh! and that is the reason not to call her back? be a man! not chicken shit! >> okay, all right, so the egg shortage, it is actually the result of the avian bird flu, and that -- >> leslie: i don't give a [bleep] about that! what you did was wrong, kosta. >> leslie, you don't know this, but she gave me chlamydia. >> leslie: yeah, i do know that! and people have done worse, kosta. it's curable. you just get you some penicillin -- for shit that gets rid of that shit. don't be dumping my girl. that is not cool. >> let's talk about eggs, okay? because as i was saying, this shortage is severe, but if you look closely, you'll find that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

>> leslie: you're so [bleep] corny, kosta. you know she was gonna break up with you, because you're a corny [bleep], you know that, right? >> look, i'm trying to be a good sport here. i came all the way to the farm that you sent me to come i got feathers all over my suit, it stinks. >> leslie: i'll tell you what stinks! my girl had to go to therapy after you. >> yeah, because she has multiple personality disorder. >> leslie: yeah, that's what i love about her. she's like 10 friends in one. [cheers and applause] be a real [bleep] man, kosta! [cheers and applause] >> i handled it the best i could. i don't know why you care about this so much. why don't we talk about it off air if you are so upset? can we just focus on the news? >> leslie: yeah, i'm talking to bitch ass right now. looking at those lying eyes of his.

mm-hmm. he ain't shit. you know what, that's right, i will bring that up, i will bring that up, hold on. you know what, kosta, you didn't even visit her in the lock up after she stabbed your ass, that is [bleep] up, that a [bleep] up. >> leslie come over the last time, what do you want from me? >> leslie: i want you to say you're sorry. i want you to apologize to my homegirl! >> all right, okay. leslie come up from the bottom of my heart -- >> leslie: [bleep] you, you ain't got no damn heart! i don't want to hear that shit. i hope a chicken shits in your shoes. y'all give it up for michael kosta. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, roy wood jr. visits the white house. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show!" you ever wonder what happens when a championship team visits the white house?

well, so did roy wood jr. let's go check it out! >> and american pro sports, if your team wins the championship, you get to go to the white house and you get to hand the president a jersey he will never wear. i got to attend this years event with the golden state warriors to celebrate their nba championship. something didn't get to do the last two times they won. >> let me just say that the golden state warriors are always welcome in this white house. always. [cheers and applause] >> to find out why, i ask the man, 46 himself. >> how are you doing to mr. president? >> how are you doing? >> quick question, mr. president. the war years won in 2017 and 2018. by didn't come to the white house as other two times? >> you will have to ask the other guy. he doesn't work here anymore. >> all right, thank you. >> mystery solved. time to talk to some basketball players. >> why are athletes invited to the white house? >> sports in general bring so many people together, basketball

especially, we are very visible, we would like a championship, get invited here, we can leverage our platform to change the game in a way that will be bigger than basketball, and i think this is a great moment to reflect on all of that. >> do you think it is fair that only the warriors were invited and out the other 29 teams? >> hell no. it's about us. >> it's about inclusion. >> everyone is included in the 82 games. that is where the inclusion stops. >> do you think events like this where teams are invited to the white house great opportunities for conversation about real issues? >> they actually do. i actually took part in a panel before our ceremony with the president and the vice president on gun safety and gun violence issues. we get to go see the president, see the white house, but also actually take part in some real discussions. >> what is one rule that you would have for the president changing the nba? >> one rule, no techs.

no technical foul mattes. >> can't have no techs? >> three techs? >> it is a person deciding that you deserve a tech because they didn't like something you did. >> right. your crib are the white house? >> i like my crib better. my crib has a kitchen that you have access to. i don't know where they keep the food. [laughter] >> look at all of these people. >> i am so hungry. >> where are they? >> i just want to snack. >> the biden administration understands the challenge of higher education has been for so many people across the country, so 40 million people are eligible, in our opinion, for debt relief. we are working on loan forgiveness. we have forgiven over $40 billion -- with a b -- to make sure that people have access to higher education. >> secretary of education, you know the people that will be forgiven the loans, okay, okay.

can you take care of my student loans? >> [laughs] >> i guess players showing up to the white house does help draw attention to the important issues. but how we will elevate these cabinet member members? >> roy wood, jr., "the daily show." when championship members visit the white house, the president gets a jersey and no one else. are you jealous question mike >> of course i am not jealous. >> i will give you a jersey. >> wow. where did you get that from? >> my cousin stole it. >> well, thank you, i appreciate it, roy. >> they left my jersey. >> i have an 8-year-old that can do that too. >> so i gave out some more, then started hooping, man, i got to come back next year as a player. >> you too. >> i used to play rec league if you need another two guard. >> yeah, do you have a card? i will just call you. >> he ain't going to call.

[cheers and applause] >> leslie: thank you, roy! all right, stay tuned because when we come back, i'll be talking to the president of the planned parenthood, so don't go away. we are coming back! [cheers and applause] self-care isn't skin deep good thing almonds have- we're doing this again, huh? almonds have 50% of the recommended

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♪ [cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show!" every year, more than 600 planned parenthood health centers nationwide provide health care services to millions of patients. my guest tonight is the president and ceo of planned parenthood. please welcome alexis mcgill johnson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ yes! [cheers and applause] >> thank you! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: yeah!

whoo! [laughter] i am so glad they saw how good you look. they think all of us look crazy. [laughter] let me tell you how important planned parenthood is to be, it is just one of the most important things in my life. you know, i had my parents -- i had my mom, and planned parenthood taught me everything, and that is real talk, and i am pretty sure that you guys have done that for a lot of girls. so if you listen to the people on the right, they think that planned parenthood is an abortion factory, like, you know, back, back-to-back abortions with a side of fries. you know what i'm saying? what i want to get clear today is what are the actual services of planned parenthood? >> well, thank you, leslie, for asking that question and thank you for sharing how important planned parenthood has been for you because that has been the story for so many people in their lives. planned parenthood really represents reproductive freedom. b cell freedom and agency. it means that when you walk into a planned parenthood center, you

may be coming for birth control, sti testing, cervical cancer screenings, breast cancer screenings, gender affirming care. yes, we probably provide abortion because that is part of health care. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: that's what i'm talking about. [cheers and applause] yes. and i don't think people realize that men can go to planned parenthood for service is also, and they should. i think when men hear parenthood, they just start running. >> [laughs] >> leslie: tell me the services that you provide for people with penises. >> yes! men are one of the fastest growing demographics for planned parenthood, they come for the same set of services, they come to get access to condoms, access to sti screenings, they come for vasectomies, increasingly come after the dobbs decision. [applause]

they are coming in -- thank you. [applause] >> leslie: i don't know. maybe we need to market. you know what i'm saying? maybe we need to have a better market. "we treat the meat." [laughter] [cheers and applause] you know what i'm saying? planned parenthood presents: the dick fixers. you know what i'm saying? >> we do that too. [laughter] >> leslie: but do you think men are embarrassed about what they need to come in for? let me tell you something, man, it is important that men get checked out. there actual health effects their wives, partners, and girlfriends. roe vs. wade was overturned six, seven months ago, and it's important for men to come and also. tell them how important it is. >> it is so critical. stigma around sexual and reproductive health care does affect men. they are coming to planned parenthood to get it checked out. they see something, they need to say something, they need to come

in and make sure. >> leslie: exactly! see something, say something. [cheers and applause] >> but they are really being affected by this dobbs decision, because on the other side of every single abortion, every choice that someone makes to not continue a pregnancy, we are also seeing the impact on miscarriage management, we are seeing the impact on their wives, on their daughters, on their sisters, on their workers, on their coworkers. so men i would say are showing up in a much stronger way. there is a lot of them out there free styling because i still don't know how our bodies work, however. nots work, how pregnancies work but a lot of men are showing up because it is important to give them the energy to continue to do that. >> leslie: yes! [cheers and applause] yes! how do we combat that? this thing about rights and everything, how do we keep things? >> well, first of all, i mean,

we have to be clear that the supreme court made a decision, but the supreme court doesn't get the last word. we do. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: yes! >> and we are going to need to fight because they are coming for birth control, they are coming for ivf, they are coming, they are literally trying to bankrupt us in texas, planned parenthood and texas. they are trying everything they can to stop people from getting access to care. but what we have -- and people like you are just passionate about freedom, passionate about justice, an opportunity to really be a leader and a volunteer. >> leslie: [cheers and applause] ooh! [cheers and applause] now we can