- yeah, we'll start right away. we'll have to do it without him. - hell no, i'm not being part of a four-member boy band! we'll look stupid. - yeah! - oh, god damn it! hi, i'm katie, i've lost 110 pounds on golo in just over a year. we'll look stupid. - yeah! as a mom, it has been life-changing. my daughter had lost 20 pounds, my son had lost probably about 40. we're just a lot more healthier as a family in general. so it's decided, we'll park even deeper into parking spaces so people think they're open.

surprise. [ laughs ] [ horn honks, muffled talking ] -can't hear you, jerry. -sorry. uh, yeah, can we get a system where when someone's bike is in the shop, then we could borrow someone else's? -no! -no! or you can get a quote with america's number-one motorcycle insurer and maybe save some money while you're at it. all in favor of that. [ horn honking ] there's a lot of buttons and knobs in here. - dad? - huh, yeah? - well, i just wanted to tell you that i don't think you're a joke. i mean, whatever you used to be, you're just my dad, and you're the best dad i've ever had. - come here, stanley. stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you

from joining a boy band without explaining why. i made some mistakes in my life, and now i have to let you make your own mistakes. - yeah. - you know, in a way, i think i was even jealous of you being in a boy band. isn't that stupid? - not really. not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done. - well, come on. i'll drive you down to the mall. - really? - yeah. i want to see what you guys can do. and then we'll go buy you a small toy so that you can forget all about this. - all right! - what's happening here? - i don't know. i guess nothing. - hmm, well, let's walk away then. - god damn it! people are walking away! - all right, kids, that does it. you're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart. - just another minute. - sorry, get out. - well, god, i guess you got me again, didn't you? yeah, that was a good one, god. hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard. - what's that? - it's stan! - oh, thank you, god! oh, praise his name! - dude, where the hell have you been? - sir, we're all here now. can we go on, please? - who? well, okay, i guess, but hurry up. - we will. ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness

the next great boy band of the country. some day you will all be among those who can say, "i saw fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall." and so without further ado, all five members of the-- - oh, my god, they killed kenny! - you bastards! - no, he can't be dead. - dude, he's pretty dead. - no, we were so close! - all right, that's it, kids. get out! - but we have to perform. - we don't have a fifth member, cartman. - oh, yes, we do. - thank you all for your patience and now get ready for fingerbang! all: ♪ fingerbang ♪ ♪ bang bang ♪ ♪ fingerbang bang ♪ ♪ bang bang bang ♪ ♪ i'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life ♪ ♪ girl, you like to fingerbang and it's all right ♪ ♪ because i'm the king of fingerbang ♪ ♪ let's not fight ♪ ♪ i'll just fingerbang bang you every night ♪ ♪ i'll fingerbang bang you every night ♪ - cha! [clapping] yes, yes! thank you, yes!

- we made $2. - you were great, dad. - yeah, i guess i still got it in me a little. - can i get your autograph? - okay, okay. - hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am. - i actually don't really know who they are. i was just getting an autograph-- ah! - move along, ma'am. that was pretty good, kids. maybe you can come perform at my elk's club sometime. - okay, yeah, maybe. god, now it's like everybody wants a piece of us. - yeah. - i don't know if i can handle all this fame. i mean, i always thought i'd want to be famous, but now that i am, i don't know if i like it. i mean, i probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people going, "oh, my god, it's the fingerbang guy! oh, my god!" - yeah, that's gonna suck. - yeah, i just want to be a normal kid again, have a normal life, and appreciate what i have. - i think you boys are very smart for your age. come on, i'll buy you all an orange smoothie. - i don't think they sell those anymore. - hey, cartman, do you think god is going to be mad at you for not making $10 million? - oh, screw god. i'm not scared of him. he's a pussy.

you know i'm just kidding, right? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, wanda sykes! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> wanda: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm wanda sykes. tonight is my last night hosting the show. i don't know what took jon and trevor so long. i solved everything in four days! [cheers and applause] we've got a great show for you tonight. sherrilyn ifill will be joining me, so let's get into the show! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's start with the big political news: facebook and instagram are ending the two-year ban they imposed on donald trump after january 6th, and allowing the former president back on their sites. [boos] i mean, letting trump back on facebook is crazy. it is asking for trouble. it's like letting hannibal lecter babysit your most delicious child.

but facebook is putting him back online anyway because they say that quote, "the public should be able to hear what their politicians are saying." and to that, let me just say, quote, "phooey." look, we all know facebook is losing a ton of money, and they want that trump attention back. they need to hit. trump is their "white lotus." [cheers and applause] he is the jennifer coolidge of the internet to. "yeah, i'm fun." [cheers and applause] look, but i think maybe for the first week, they should just allow him to post cat photos, see how it goes. if you see a bunch of cats storming the capitol,

although adorable, shut it down. [cheers and applause] moving on to some tech news. you ever play that game where you ask, "what if you could have dinner with anyone in history?" personally, for me, it would be jesus, because my mother is watching. well, the good news is, a.i. is making this fantasy happen. the bad news is, there's one name on the invite list that probably shouldn't be there. >> meantime, tonight, a new a.i. app intended to create interest in history is instead causing controversy. historical figures chat was created by an amazon software engineer. it allows users to select historical figures and have a conversation with an a.i. pretending to be them. people have been chatting with figures like jesus, babe ruth, and now adolf hitler. activists worry hitler's addition will attract and encourage neo-nazis. >> wanda: why would anyone make

an a.i. hitler? that's the last thing we need. and we already have an app where you can hear hitler's uncensored views. it's called twitter. [applause] and look, parents are already worried about what their kids are doing online. now they'll be knocking on their kid's bedroom door like, "jeremy, you better not be in there talking to hitler!" all right, let's move on. because if you've ever been to a museum, you might have thought that the biggest problem is pretending you know what "baroque" is. "$30 for a ticket? my baroque ass can't pay that!" [applause] but it turns out, there's an even bigger problem that's finally being addressed.

>> the word "mummy" is being canceled. museums are choosing to go with different terms, largely because of the pop culture view, which tends to portray mummies as a monster. so cnn says more museums are choosing to go with the term "mummified person" to restore the person's humanity. >> wanda: let's be clear right off the bat: mummies aren't monsters. it's only a monster when it gets the [bleep] up! [applause] monster. but yes, they want us to be respectful. the correct usage is "mummified persons," as in, "why the hell do half our senators look like mummified persons?" [cheers and applause] if you ask me come with a

museums are making a big mistake here. having a monster in the museum is the only thing that gets kids in the door. you think kids are coming to see them old-ass bowls? no, they're coming to see a mummy! and finally, missouri is the latest state to consider a law banning "critical race theory" in schools. but that's not all: this law also offers teachers $3,000 to take a course in how to teach patriotism. man, if i was a teacher, i'd be pissed. $3,000 for a patriotism course? like, i knew this whole time y'all had money for school supplies! [applause] i've been giving students pens that i ripped off the chain at the bank! for more on this patriotism course, let's turn to roy wood, jr. [cheers and applause]

roy? >> okay, i got my account straight. >> wanda: i just want to know, what do you know about this patriotism course? >> tally but the patriotism course, i can tell you a lot about it because i took it. >> wanda: you took the course? but it's for teachers, why would you take it? >> for $3,000 dollars?! shit, i took that course 20 times. look at all this damn time. i took it as roy wood, jr., then they went back as roy wood, sr., michael jordan, michael b. jordan. you just say you're another black dude and they believe you. i'm going back as frederick douglass next week. [cheers and applause] $3,000. >> wanda: well, did you learn anything? >> honestly, i came up with a real appreciation for the founding fathers.

founding fathers like ben franklin. founding fathers like andrew jackson too. >> wanda: no, what did the course teach? it can't be that good if it's run by a bunch of missouri republicans. >> i mean, actually, i learned a lot. i learned missouri is one of the most important states in the union. did you know, without missouri, iowa would fall into arkansas? and it would just be chaos. just a big hole in the middle of the country. it is structurally important. all republican history is very interesting. a very interesting course. i learned that abraham lincoln was assassinated by hillary clinton. and this is -- i learned this, this is in the book, i also learned, harriet tubman -- you know harriet tubman? she was really a white man. you can't run from the truth!

you can't run from the truth! [cheers and applause] i'm telling you what i learned! harriet dedman was really a white man. >> wanda: sounds like you learned a bunch of nonsense. >> it wasn't all nonsense. i learned that we really do need to keep pushing for crt, because we finally found a way for republicans to start giving more money to teachers. that's what we need to do. they will find more money for the teacher is. that is why i printed out these fake textbooks. i will start leaving them at all the schools, scare the republicans. check out the use. "ap reparations." that is scary, that is scary. you've got "drag queen philosophy." that is a scary book right there. a good scary book. we've got "aoc's abcs." all, that is a scary textbook, that will have a lot of money. this is the one that will get them all.

"george washington: our first non-binary president." [cheers and applause] i'm telling you. >> wanda: oh, damn, they're not gonna like that one. >> just wait until you read this book. you read the george washington book and find out the truth. he chopped down a cherry tree and used the wood to make an abortion clinic. >> wanda: this is ridiculous. >> look, this is history. it is not ridiculous, it is history. i read it in the book. you need to learn something about our country's real history, wanda. i'm happy to teach her for $3,000. >> wanda: roy wood jr., everybody! [cheers and applause] >> give you a little money. [cheers and applause] ♪if you start me up♪

♪if you start me up, i'll never stop♪ ♪if you start me up♪ applebee's all you can eat is back for just $14.99! she's not kat medina delivering pizza in her 2003 hatchback... ...she's kat medina, bringer of sustenance, provider of all things greasy and caloric. ♪

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i brought sam adams cold snap and this groundhog... uh-oh. (patrons screaming)

[cheers and applause] >> wanda: welcome back to "the daily show." let me just take a few minutes to tell you something that happened to me. i was on the lie, the long island expressway, and

and i got pulled over. officer, he was a young eric estrada type, he said i entered the hov lane illegally. maybe i did, maybe i didn't, i dunno. so he handed me the ticket, and it was rolled up with a rubber band, like a grade school diploma or something. so the next day, i didn't think much of it, and i was like, let's check out this ticket. so i unrolled the scroll and it was actually four tickets! yeah. one was for entering the hov lane, one was for an obstructed license plate, which was totally bullshit. one was disobeying traffic signals, and he also gave me a ticket for exiting the hov lane illegally. i was like, "you were behind me with your lights on. you made me exit illegally!" so it added up to hundreds of dollars in fines and a bunch of points.

so i gave it to my business manager, they gave it to a lawyer, and he took care of it. he said he ran into the judge in the hallway, didn't even have to go to court. small fine, no points. i kept the rubber band, by the way. now, i was lucky. i have the means to deal with these kinds of situations. okay, more specifically, i have money. i mean, i don't have murder money, but i can commit a few infractions. you know, petty ones! running late, don't have quarters for the meter, [bleep] it. gave me the ticket. but it did make me think about for a lot of people, just getting a ticket could ruin their life. that is what i want to talk about in tonight's installment of "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] across america, police are

handing out 112,000 speeding tickets every day. that's a lot of tickets. i'm like, where do they find the time to shoot people? and those tickets aren't going away anytime soon, because these fines aren't just to punish you. it turns out, local governments need that money to keep the lights on. >> traffic stops aren't always about safety or hunting contraband or crime. some cities use traffic stops to raise money. >> the cities and counties that are trying to use these schemes, trying to use these fines and fees to balance their budget are basically charging a back door tax to poor people. >> in the south, municipalities strapped for cash have been targeting the most vulnerable citizens who are primarily black and living under the poverty line. in missouri, some of these municipalities generate anywhere from 20 to 40% of their total revenue by fining citizens.

>> wanda: that's right. these cities are filling their budgets on the backs of poor people. yeah. so the next time a cop asks, do you know why i pulled you over? you can be like them let me ask, the mayor wants a standing desk? getting fined is bad enough. but and they tack on a bunch of extra fees, payment plan fees, collection fees. one county even has a $51 processing fee. so it costs you $51 to give me a $30 ticket? how about you not giving me the ticket? you just saved yourself $21! [applause] and let's say you are like a lot of people and don't have all this money just laying around. well, in 14 states, your ass might be going to jail. you heard me right. 14 states will send you to jail for being poor! and if you want to know what states those are, it's probably the ones you're thinking of.

and guess what, you can come out of jail owing even more. up because they actually charge you another fee for going to jail. that is so messed up. i'm in jail because i couldn't pay, and now you're charging me more for being in jail. you know i couldn't pay, that's why i was here in the first place. do you think i hit the lottery while i was in jail? but you know what, it doesn't have to be this way! a lot of other countries never fine you more than you can afford. they fine you based on your income. this makes it more fair, since billionaires aren't paying the same fines as people who work at the dollar store. and if you're thinking, that must lead to some expensive ass tickets, you'd be right. >> a man in finland got caught speeding and, boy, did he have to pay up. listen to this: a finnish millionaire got a $58,000 fine for going 64 miles per hour in a 50 zone.

while that seems kind of crazy here, over in finland, speeding tickets are based on your income. the highest ticket so far was $103,000, a ticket given to a nokia executive who made roughly $14 million that year. [applause] >> wanda: i tell you what, we did that here, that would make me start putting those corridors in a parking meter. if the ticket is meant to punish you, it should feel like a punishment. $30 for a rich person is not a punishment. rich people don't even know money goes that low. if you ask jeff bezos for $30, he'll be like, "do i just rip a corner off of this $100 bill?" so, long story short, stop using poor people as your little "take a penny" jar. especially over small shit. if anything, we should be doing the opposite.

i propose every highway should have a broke lane. do what you want! do what you want to do in the broke plane. broken tail light, expired registration, dangling muffler, who cares. you can haul ass in the broke lane because you have to get from your second job to your third job. i don't care. do whatever it takes. but if you get caught in the broke lane talking about, well, i'm trying to get to my swash aim at the country club, then the officer can say, "oo ooh, i'm gonna tase you. and the electricity has a $51 processing fee." rush back all right, stay tuned, because when we come back, sherrilyn ifill will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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♪♪ ♪♪ rated mature. playstation. [cheers and applause] >> wanda: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the former president of the naacp legal defense fund. please welcome sherrilyn ifill! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

so lovely to have you here. >> it's wonderful to be here. >> wanda: i want to get your titles right because last year you passed on the mantle of president and director counsel of the naacp legal defense fund. >> yes, i did. >> wanda: how hard is it to leave that job? you can't go, well, my work here is done because there is so much more work to do. >> no, it was hard. i love the legal defense fund, it is where i started my career and i love the work. i feel like i was made for that position. i also feel like i led it at the right moment, you know, that almost ten years i led the organization was right for me. and i really believe transition is part of leadership. i think especially in the civil rights space, sometimes we hold on a little too long. and i think it is healthy for our organizations when we pass that mantle and fortunately for

me, i had an amazing deputy who is now the head of the organization. and i know that she can continue the work well. and i have things i want to do, because the work is not finished. [cheers and applause] >> wanda: the supreme court has really been our only recourse for justice. i mean, pretty much everything we've gotten as far of rights has been a decision from the supreme court. what do we do now? how do we get past this court? >> i think actually it is a sobering moment for us to recognize that, although i think many of us grew up in a period of time where we believed that, it's in fact not true. it is true that the court decided brown v.board of education which ended illegal apartheid in this country and changed american democracy and there has been many other civil rights decisions that have been wonderful. most of them have not been wonderful, actually, in the history of united states supreme court. we have always had to supplement it with the legislative action, the civil rights act of 1964, the voting rights act of 1965, with the fair housing act of

1968. we have had to supplement it with direct action, with protests, with boycotts. we have had to supplement it with education. we have are to supplement it in all kinds of ways. so it has always been a multipronged strategy. the problem we have now, though, is that the court seems bent on dismantling the successes we make in those other realms. and so we see that with, for example, the voting rights act, which has been severely weakened by this supreme court. that is where we have to start to get worried. and it is a real problem. it is not something to be taken lightly and it is not just a partisan battle as many people think. i have been a civil rights lawyer for 30 years. you win some and you lose some. the rule of law is that you abide by what the court says and does, but you do that with the knowledge that the court is behaving fairly and with integrity and legitimately. and when you start feeling like decisions are being made without the proper foundation, then it gets very hard to convince your clients that it's a fair system. i think we are in a kind of

perilous moment as it relates to the court. >> wanda: you said, our democracy -- it is like teenagers, we are young. it's like teenagers. democracy is staying up all night, snapchatting. >> you know, yes, like teenagers who think they know everything, who have a grandiose sense of themselves, who throw tantrums, yes, we are. i mean, if you think about american democracy, at least for me, i would not count america as a democracy -- certainly as a nation, but not as a democracy until at least 1954 when brown was decided. because you can't call the country a democracy -- [applause] if, by law, a whole segment of citizens can be denied the right to participate in the political system. so that is just -- that is being pretty generous, that is 1954. i would take it to 1965 with the voting rights act. [applause] because before the passage of the voting rights act, even

though the right of black people should have been guaranteed by the 14th and 15th amendments of the constitution enacted and ratified after the civil war, most black people then lived in the south and still live in the south and most of the south was denying the vote to black people. so until 1965, i wouldn't call us even credibly a democracy. and if you think of it that way, then we are young. so we are still figuring this thing out and i would say, wanda, just to give people hope -- >> wanda: please, give me some hope! please! please, sherrilyn, give me some hope! >> we are also trying to do something that no other country has done. there is no template for the kind of multiracial democracy with the kind of history of white supremacy and slavery. there is no other country that is trying to do that in the dynamic way that we are doing it. we talk about being a nation of immigrants, which is not entirely true, but immigration is a huge part of the character of our country, and 20th century immigration, for sure, made the

country have the caste that it does, so we are trying to create something. we are not trying to do something like another country. we are not pointing to them and saying, oh, yeah, like that. we are trying to do something very particular and it's hard and that is what i'm currently writing a book about. it's called "is this america," and it is about race, but it's also about what i think of at this moment as the last best chance for us to really create a healthy democracy in this country. [cheers and applause] >> wanda: when you finish the book, i won't be here, but i'm sure they will bring you back, there will be a nice white guy sitting here. we are going to take a break. and we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]