♪ water, just let go ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪ -tonight on "tooning out the news," the conservative "hot take" tells hbo's bomani jones that we need nfl violence because it's most americans' only chance to see a doctor treat someone they care about. then the liberal "virtue signal" rushes to biden's defense, searching the multiverse for a reality where trump hoarding documents is high treason but biden doing it is a cute hobby. but first, the trump-desantis war begins with desantis trying to rid schools of the critical thinking necessary to realize he's getting destroyed on the debate stage. it's time for some "big news." ♪♪

good evening. i'm james smartwood. and i listen to ryan reynolds movies on the treadmill. we come to you tonight as the battle for the bulbous, deformed pig heart of the republican party rages on between eulogist with a hard-out donald trump and florida governor who buys his suits at the container store ron desantis. a new poll shows trump barely ahead by the skin of his teeth with a 26-point lead over desantis, mike pence, nikki haley, and the rest of the future fox news greenroom barnacles polling the single digits. as we speak, trump is huddling with advisors, horse-teeth real-estate developers, and belarus honeypots to fine-tune his attacks on desantis. a genius move by trump there to remember that seniors need government support once their kids lose contact because the qanon stuff is just too much.

meanwhile, governor desantis is trying to bury in the same hole as his years of sycophantic trump endorsements an advanced-placement african-american studies pilot program in florida high schools. -this course on black history. what are -- what's one of the lessons about? queer theory. that is somebody pushing an agenda on our kids, and so when you look to see they have stuff about intersectionality, abolishing prisons, that's a political agenda. -god forbid florida students are exposed to ivory-tower ideas that risk turning them into radical ultra-left ivy leaguers like yale and harvard grad ron desantis. joining me now to jog out to the news beach with our scoops boards slick with fact wax and ride some gnarly truth pipes until we slam skull-first into the pulitzer jetty is democratic strategist quickly removing "advisor at the devolder group" from her résumé, lydia parker. -good evening. -chief washington bureau chief and future lumberjack games fatality jonathan keene. -james. -chief field correspondent who thinks rain boots that aren't yellow aren't "official,"

james smartwood jr. -hey, dad. -plus, cbs news chief washington correspondent and hallmark channel blue-collar dad who just wants his big-city daughter to be happy, major garrett. -always a pleasure. -absolutely. now, major, how many more discriminatory policies should ron desantis support to gain favor in the republican primary before trump calls him "dumb-santis" one time and craters his political career forever? -ron desantis has made himself the alternative to former president trump by doing one thing -- and his advisors believe it's shrewd -- choose enemies wisely. and right now his enemy is the education bureaucracy, the "woke" establishment, such as it is, and anyone else who fits in that general description of elitist or educators who don't really want to bring education, as he defines it, to florida children. -people say desantis lacks charisma, but critical florida voters are riveted when he's on tv, mostly because they're watching from condos which may collapse at any second. -now, clearly republicans have learned from the midterms

that the american majority is craving culture-war red meat that gets them thinking, "good god. these people are insane." -sure, there was a lot of heat around jeb bush in 2016, and trump destroyed him, but keep in mind -- desantis has a far more grating personality. -that's a good point. -thank you. -now, obviously, if desantis and other contenders want to beat trump in the republican primary, they will need to access the deep, dark depths of human depravity. here to discuss is magister bill of the church of satan. thank you so much for joining us, magister. thank you for having me. -of course. now, magister, how does desantis and other primary hopefuls unlock the carnal beast necessary to win a plurality of republican support? -well, satanism is about the individual, not the collective, about getting what you want. so if you can do something that is in -- in my own shameless self-interest, my own selfishness, then... -huh. -...yeah, i'll give you a vote. -now, major, we just heard compelling advice from the church of satan here. i mean, my question is, is satanism too moderate for today's republican party? -good question.

i haven't seen that, uh, put through a focus group or a poll yet. -mm-hmm. mm-hmm. -if we get some results on that, maybe i'll have a more informed opinion. -that's a dodge. -100%. -you know, i will say this fellow from the church of satan is making a lot of good points. gratification is king, and desire its prince. -okay, here we go. of course this would happen. -magister, where does satan fall on the debt ceiling? -well, we don't have any economic principles that apply to the whole nation. it's about the individual, not the collective. -hell yeah. -but, uh, you should, i think certainly strive to make comfortable living for yourself and protect your finances. -this guy's speaking my language. -yeah, i'm in -- i'm in, too. i'm all-in. this sounds pretty good. -i'm opting out of the coven tonight. -you guys are missing out. it's pretty sweet. -you've been in it for like maybe one second. -best second of my life. -now, moving on. also flirting with a run for president is mike "least memorable member of the refrigerator sales team" pompeo. in his new vanity project, "never give an inch: fighting for the america i love," available in bookstores now, he appears unable to bury the hatchet with a man already buried, downplaying the murder of jamal khashoggi.

he writes... major, do you think pompeo can capture the republican vote by attacking khashoggi, or should he go after someone else beloved, like jennifer coolidge? -well, secretary pompeo is doing what republicans who fancy themselves as a potential successor to former president trump feel they must do, which is find ways to be outrageous and strident and trumpian that even trump hasn't tried. -now, as we all know, mike pompeo's book is a cultural phenomenon on the scale of the "harry potter" series, generating record-breaking crowds. let's call a bookstore now to see how they're handling pompeo fever. [ line ringing ] -barnes & noble [bleep]. -hey, there. it's james smartwood. look, i know it's crazy over there, so thank you so much for taking some time to take the call.

obviously, uh, you know what book i'm looking for. "never give an inch: fighting for the america i love" by mike pompeo. please, uh, just -- can you tell me you have some copies? -yeah, i'm pretty sure i saw some come in this morning. let me walk over here. -okay, great. -are you heading down tonight? -uh, my plan was to get there as soon as possible. i was actually even exploring taking a helicopter. -[ laughs ] alright. um, yeah, i am looking at it right now, so if you come tonight or even tomorrow morning, we'll have it for you. -oh, i was sweating! -oh, thank god. i'm begging you. just set one aside for me. stand over it with a bat if you have to. now, if by the time i get there, it's gone because you've been, you know, just like torn to shreds, what time does the armored vehicle arrive with more copies? -[ laughs ] i'm honestly not predicting we're gonna sell out of that one, so you should be fine. -oh, okay. great. now, well, you're looking at that book right now. are you sure it's not -- it's not some kind of mirage? you can -- you're touching it with your hands? -yes, i can physically touch it. -i see. now, no spoilers, but i just -- i have to ask. in the book, does pompeo talk about how the lessons of kansas never left him?

i've just been -- just been dying to know. -i haven't cracked it myself, so i don't know what he gets into in there, but i'm sure it's fascinating. -okay. oh, my god. alright. don't spoil -- forget it. -you know, before we let you go, any books on satan? -what -- uh, keene, why would you -- -oh, just, you know -- we're talking to him. -do you have any books on satan for -- half my staff here has converted to satanism. -[ laughs ] oh, geez. i'm sure we got a couple of those floating around. -okay. cool. -now we're talkin'. -my tax guy likes me to chase him a little before he files my w-2, so that's all the time we have. sorry we didn't have time for m&m's desperately trying to appease conservatives by debuting a meat-filled m&m that puts out. kylie, what story nearly incomprehensible to anyone not on twitter has got you all riled up tonight? -thanks, james! tonight, we prove the white house document scandal is no big deal, using more excuses than nuclear silo maps in biden's rehoboth beach linen closet. that's next on "virtue signal." ever leave your clothes in the dryer and find a wrinkled mess? try downy wrinkle guard fabric softener!

wrinkle guard penetrates deep into fibers, leaving clothes so soft, wrinkles don't want to stick around. make mornings smoother with downy wrinkle guard fabric softener. [playstation mnemonic] this is live from ps5. historic scenes unfolding in san francisco. aloy is the first of her tribe to have laid eyes on this scene in over 2000 years. this was live from ps5. playstation. ♪♪

-fortune magazine. read about tomorrow's fraudster today. -welcome back. tonight, we excuse president biden's hoarding of documents based on the mitigating circumstances of him not being donald trump. this is "virtue signal." ♪♪ hi. i'm kylie weaver. and i guess my niece is doing her "my hero" essay about me or something. whatever. i don't really know. top story, y'all. the luckiest justice department investigators in the world got to live my dream of spending 13 straight hours at joe biden's literal home in delaware, although instead of giving major a makeover and going total goofball mode with jill, they apparently uncovered more classified documents. and, sure, when trump took classified documents, i said we should blast him into the sun, which he looked at that one time probably because he thought it was a hamburger.

but when biden did it, it was different. -a far different situation than donald trump's. -it is significantly different. -big differences. -this is vastly different. -vastly different. -it's very different. -it is very, very different. -couldn't be more dissimilar. -stark differences. -yas, liberals! forget pervasive bipartisan corruption and focus on the winning argument that biden did the same illegal thing as trump, only better. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden white house communications director who asked her grandmother on her deathbed what she thought about the debt ceiling, jordan polce. -hello. -former dnc chair who's worried talbots is getting a little too whorish for her taste, charlotte fitzgerald. -good evening. -and the lincoln project senior advisor who has never successfully pictured anything in his head except a slightly bigger donut than the one he was holding, troy lawson. -hi, kylie. -okay, panel, i am sick of the media both-sides'ing this issue just because both sides are guilty of the same thing.

who's with me? -yes, biden took those top-secret documents as souvenirs because he's so sentimental. what? now men can't have emotions? -some of these are classified documents that biden took while he was the vice president to obama! you can't do something wrong when obama was president! -ugh! his drone strikes were precision a.f. obviously, these are the only excuses we can think of in this quantum plane, but there are presumably an infinite number of multiverses with even more totally not pained and sweaty excuses. and to find them, i commissioned the construction of this absolutely gag-worthy particle accelerator. -ooh! -ohh! my god! -ugh! i love stem! bill nye the science guy can low-key get it. let's see an excuse for biden possessing classified documents from an entirely different dimension. ooh. okay. here's one. "the intern did it." -wow! i like that one! -what is it like out there?

-that could work. -so cool. but we have to move on. we cover a lot of light, salacious stories, but it's time now for a serious topic -- george santos. that's right, folks. the flash, apparently official -- congressman george santos lied about partying in drag in brazil in 2008. panel, can you believe one of the people in the corrupt, impotent pit of wealth slaves we call a legislature is a fraudy lie guy? -this george santos does not deserve to sit next to republican congressional luminaries like the accused sex trafficker, the accused sexual-abuse enabler, and all those bastions of decency who texted their stockbroker five seconds into their first secret covid briefing. -yes. -totally. that is so right. -yes. 100%. -[ buzzing ] -oh, my god! something's wrong with the collider! -it's being so random right now! [ all screaming ] -[ zap ] -[ collider powers down ] -oh...no.

-ha-cha-cha! who are these fine specimens?! -troy, those are you from other dimensions. -i didn't know i was a friggin' supermodel! hey, what skin diseases do you all have? i got ringworm! -psoriasis! -eczema! -i got insects in my ears! -wow! we're the same... yet vastly different. -troys: wow! -i got insects in my ears! -troy, you should show the other troys your room. -great idea, kylie! you guys are bunking with me! i assume everyone's good with boiling liquid cheese for dinner. -troys: yup! -okay, i have a charity event or whatever, so let's wrap it there. thank you to my analysts. -troys: anytime! -when -- -anytime! -anytime! -when -- -anytime! -anytime! -when "tooning out the news" returns, the conservative "hot take" asks bomani jones if the nfl's gone woke by pausing a game to save a player's life.

that's ahead. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays wherever you get your podcasts. sasha. all interns must complete the dunkin' run. - meredith... - medium coffee, milk, no sugar. glazed donut. amberley... jelly donut. iced coffee. [both together] all year round. you got this. time for a dunkin' run. add a $1 donut to any medium or larger coffee.

wouldn't it be great if all valentine's day gifts were filled with peanut butter? ♪♪ well, i mean... maybe not... all of them. maybe it's just reese's that are better. i need to find a valentines gift fast. i went to 1-800flowers.com, and that changed the game. you know what makes flowers even better? flowers and a gift. boom! try some? 1-800flowers.com! you guys! she's definitely gonna notice that one's missing. ♪if you start me up♪ ♪if you start me up, i'll never stop♪ ♪never stop, never stop, never stop♪

♪you make a grown man cry♪ all you can eat is back for just $14.99! only at applebee's. ♪♪ -hey, it's host you should just let cheat at board games 'cause the tantrum isn't worth it, tyler templeton, alongside co-host whose mom says the statue in the middle of town is her dad, bonnie davis... co-host who has dated every meat-packing foreman in her state, susan shephard...

and co-host warned by a cartel to quit being such an annoying part of mexico city's cocktail scene, austin sparks. if zelenskyy speaks at the oscars, then putin must be invited to the mtv awards to read the nominees for best kiss. this is "hot take"! ♪♪ what's up, gas-station bagel cellophane swallowers? top story! despite it perfectly quenching our thirst for blood and violence, the national football league is not without controversy. most recently, squeamish fans were in a tizzy over buffalo bills player damar hamlin's heart stopping on the field -- for just, like, a few short minutes. now here to agree with me under penalty of me getting my feelings hurt real bad is host of hbo's "game theory with bomani jones" bomani jones. what's up, bomani? -how you doing, man? -fantastic. do you find it a little strange that a peace-loving country like america would wholeheartedly embrace such a violent sport like football?

-i mean, if we're being honest, watching people knock each other around is typically kind of entertaining. like, this is one of those things where sometimes we gotta be honest with ourselves about what's going on here. and, like, an inappropriate joke is not necessarily a joke that isn't funny -- it's just not appropriate. that's kind of where we are with football. like, we acknowledge that it's a lot of fun. it's just the question as to whether or not it's really appropriate. that's a very american conundrum. -i appreciate that the news media focused on the hard news story -- damar hamlin's feel-good recovery -- instead of the pointless fluff of how players get mortally injured and who profits from it. -but look -- to compete with all the super bowl on-field violence, rihanna needs to step it up during her halftime show and sing "umbrella" while attacking a dancer with an umbrella. -absolutely. now, moving on, obviously there's big money in football, especially if you count all the cash made by draftkings that was supposed to be spent on child support. last year, partnerships with sports gambling companies and casinos

represented a significant chunk of the nfl's record $1.8 billion in sponsorship revenue. crap! i bet that it was $1.9 billion! i'm screwed! my daughter's college fund is gone! um, bomani, are you comfortable with the normalization of sports gambling -- and can i borrow $200,000? -nah, i can't really help you out with the 200 grand. -no! -but it is a little bit weird. like, people gamble on sports, but that's not really the reason that anybody got into it in the first place. and it's not even like we're gambling simply on who's going to win. you're gambling on who's gonna win by how much. like, we watch games to see who's actually going to win. you don't have to watch to see who covers. but every single sports broadcast has got the lines and the odds and everywhere, all over the place, which is basically like advertising for cocaine. -now, bomani's selfish refusal to bail me out brings me to what has become a recurring segment called...

i'm so sorry, honey! i'll make back the money! i promise! [ sobbing ] oh, god! and that's... -the only threat to sports gambling is we still have bizarre non-gambling, non-digital currency pathways to upward mobility. and we all know the solution. -all: burn down the schools! -you say you wanna burn what? -schools. -the schools! -burn the schools! -like, not just the books, the whole school? -that's where they hide the books. now, moving on, 9/11 mvp saudi arabia is absolutely killing it when it comes to the life of journalists and sports-washing their reputation, most recently signing soccer star cristiano ronaldo to a $75-million-per-year contract. bomani, some anti-murder dorks are upset about athletes accepting saudi money. but isn't it a greater sin to miss out on an easy buck? -yeah, i've heard that argument before. if they think it's gonna make anybody think any different about them,

i think they have a drastic misunderstanding. they can have all the events in the world and they can do all the sports before the people whose minds they need to change -- if they keep dressing the way that they dress, nobody's gonna be convinced. i'm sorry. people just aren't as sophisticated as they seem to think. they don't think that just 'cause you have sports stuff that it says anything about you as a person. -saudi involvement in sports could be good for their human-rights record. if the sports journalists are giving on-camera commentary during the match, they can't be dismembered until after the post-game show. -now, obviously, the saudi investment fund has a lot of cash to throw at sports, and if they're watching right now, i just want to say... this is not a news show. this is sports. -for sure. -absolutely. for sure. this is a sport. come on. -let me explain. we all have high-impact concussions. we all eat 5,000 calories per day. carb-heavy diets. and we've had to change the name of the show 15 times because it was offensive. but, of course, we're not a sport unless we have brutal on-camera injuries. so, on the count of three,

drop the studio light upon thine head. and... -one, two... -gaaah! -oh, my -- -wow! -wow! austin! that was awesome! saudi investment fund, my preferred currency is nosebleed tickets to steely dan. thank you to my co-hosts and esteemed guest, bomani jones. thanks, bomani. -thank you. -he is the host of "game theory with bomani jones" on hbo. when "tooning out the news" returns, austin has a special announcement about the future of "sparks!" stick around. -follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tiktok for exclusive content. [playstation mnemonic] this is live from ps5. historic scenes unfolding in san francisco. aloy is the first of her tribe to have laid eyes on this scene

in over 2000 years. this was live from ps5. playstation. there are reasons you might need a new phone but switching providers isn't one. keep your own phone and save when you switch to any straight talk plan. like our $45 silver unlimited plan with nationwide 5g on america's most reliable 5g network. straight talk wireless. available at walmart and walmart.com we met on the kisscam. he knew, he saw me first. we met online. use one word to describe our relationship. rollercoaster. some force just brought us together. that's when i realized like, this is love. oh my gosh! happy valentines! ♪♪ -welcome back! a new report says that cnn is considering adding a late-night comedy show to its lineup, which has prompted rumors about the future of our own austin sparks. austin, take it away. -thanks, tyler. unless you're amish, you know i'm the host of "tooning out the news'" hit don't-tell-mom late-night show, "sparks!" and, yes, cnn's ceo chris licht

has been begging me to join the network, giving kissy-wissies to all ten of my toes. and i'll tell you what i told him. i'm not going anywhere! [ hosts cheer ] -with that current offer. so tonight on "sparks!", we get the party started by drinking a gallon of strawberry milk with senator roy blunt. then i zoom-bomb a wesleyan women's studies class with -- you guessed it -- "the nature boy," ric flair. weeoo!! and then i spend an hour in the makeout cage with the inside of my elbow. all that and a bag of chips tonight on "sparks!" [as "waterboy" townie] you can do it! -sick! and congrats on the 500-episode extension. good night, everyone. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪

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