tnk i know what he meant now. - how can it be nothing but trouble? - we risked everything to get it from the girls. how long before the girls attack us to get it back? - yeah, forget about the girls. what about when the c.i.a. or the russians know we have this? they'll come after it for sure. - maybe we should take it to some place safer. - and then what? hide forever from the government, from the terrorists who want to use it for evil? maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power. - you mean destroy it? - are you guys nuts? after everything we've gone through? - we got it away from the girls. that's what matters. but now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves. then we're no better than they are. - think of the power. - it's too much power for anybody. stan's right. it has to be destroyed. - are we sure about this? we'll never know the future. - nobody will. that's the way its supposed to be.

hit it, kenny. [explosion] - damn, ken. - here, here you see? it's going to be all right. hello, s-s-son. - hi, dad. - he was supposed to stay dead. - mom, dad, can i come upstairs now? - i'm sorry, son, but you're demon spawn now. you're an abomination. - can i please just have something to eat? i'm pretty hungry. - it's hungry. - yes, it must feed. - hello, i'm rachael with quality curtains. - oh, yes, thank you for coming. - which room are we looking at? - just follow me to the basement. - yes, the basement.

- oh, my, it's pretty dark down here. you sure you need curtains? oh, my god. - hello, i'm butters. - little boy, what are you doing down here? [yelps] - huh? - there you go, son. eat. - what are we becoming? - come on. don't watch it feed. - can't i just have some spaghetti-os? captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with

your host, d.l. hughley! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> d.l.: hey, what's going on, everybody? how are you? welcome to "the daily show." i love you right back. i love you like a rock, and that's hard. i'm d.l. hughley and this is the very first day of black history month. [cheers and applause] white people never quite know what to do. i'm sorry it's not longer. i think -- it's cold out there. it should be illegal to be this cold on the first day of black

history month. i don't even think black history month is in february because it is short, i think it is because it is the coldest, that is why. ain't no way in hell they will march in february, i will tell you that. [laughs] you can have voters rights in may, yes. [laughs] all right. we have a lot to talk about. so we will get to the headlines. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ in big news today, a very, very famous quarterback, legendary quarterback, tom brady said that he is retiring for good. [applause] he should have a sandwich, though. he is trying for good again. this dude retires more than cher. but of course, he is still breaking records. not only is he the oldest quarterback in the nfl, now he will be the youngest retiree in florida. can't wait to see tom brady

riding a golf cart in the villages. it is going to be hilarious. here are some very good news for fans of casual sex. colleges around the country are starting to install vending machines that sell the plan b emergency contraception. [cheers and applause] i mean, i don't think you should rely on a vending machine for your plan b. by the time you find those couple of quarters, the baby will be born. [laughs] "dad, why'd you name me doritos?" "because that's what's dropped out instead of the pill. now go find your brother cool ranch and get in the car." and in some other news, of course, the service for tyre nichols was held today. there were a lot of things that are interesting about the funeral but there was something that was slightly different. >> an emotional farewell to tyre nichols, hundreds of people

gather this afternoon for the funeral service for tyre nichols who is remembered as a loving brother, son, and father. >> this was also a call for justice with vice president harris and the reverend al sharpton pledging to get police reform passed. >> d.l.: that is right. it is the very first time in history that a president or vice president have attended the funeral of a black person who was slain by police. not even obama. he didn't go either. he sang a lot of "amazing grace," but not for black people that were killed by police. i'm happy she showed up and black mode, not an cop mode. she was the district attorney, and that could have been a sting operation. they tell you who got a free tv but you are behind in child support and then you go to jail -- never mind. [laughs] i would like to see mike pence go to a black funeral. "jaheem, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

for your last. where is my wallet? oh, those are classified documents." but seriously, there is a good reason to have a black vice president, if you aren't going to do anything about police reform, at least you will have somebody who goes to those funerals. but here is a crime story that is captivating the nation. somebody is [bleep] with animals. >> now to some good news overnight about two monkeys that went missing from the dallas zoo. they have been found, but police are still looking for the person who apparently took them. >> this morning, mystery at the dallas zoo. two missing emperor tamarin monkeys found in the closet of an abandoned home, the latest in a string of suspicious incidents. dallas police telling abc news they received a tip directing them to the monkeys' location. >> authorities say they're also trying to determine if several incidents at the zoo last month, including an escaped leopard and a suspicious death of an endangered vulture are connected in any way.

and it's that unknown keeping zoo officials cautious. >> d.l.: those monkeys look like civil war reenactors. who snitched on the monkeys? i don't understand that? [laughs] they look like civil war reenactors. "dear clara bill, the war drags on." "my fondest wishes, until the day we meet again." but they actually found the monkeys because it somebody next door heard a suspicious noise and called the cops. so even monkeys got karens. it is crazy. [laughs] and they found these monkeys very fast. they found them faster than they find most people. if i ever go missing, don't send out an amber alert, tell them i'm a panda. here's my question: how is a zoo gonna accuse anyone else of stealing a monkey?

[laughs] where did the zug at the monkeys from? [applause] for more on this kidnapping, we turn to michael kosta, who is at the dallas zoo right now. [cheers and applause] michael, why the hell are you dressed like that? >> because i'm a professional, d.l. i wanted to see who's been stealing the animals, so i went undercover as a monkey and i infiltrated the zoo. i spent $20,000 on this disguise. >> d.l.: you wasted your money, because disguise is shitty. i can't believe the zookeepers haven't noticed you. >> well, i don't know if you've been paying attention to this story, but the zookeepers here aren't exactly the best and the brightest. they asked me if i was a monkey and i said, "yes," and that was good enough for them. >> d.l.: all right. so how is the undercover operation going?

>> not great. i've been here a week but i haven't seen any kidnappers. even worse, one of the monkeys has been trying to mate with me. i've been going along with it to keep my cover, but now it's getting pretty serious. i mean, she wants me to groom her back and that is a big commitment in the monkey kingdom. i'm flattered, but i want to keep my options open. there's a lot of hot monkeys in here. >> d.l.: michael, get the hell out of there! just tell the zoo guards who you are and that you want to leave. >> i can't, d.l., i'm a professional journalist and i won't rest until i figure out who the kidnapper is! plus, i want to stay for lunch. we're getting grapes today! [monkey screeching] what? okay, okay! sorry, d.l., i got to go, lucy is getting jealous. he's just a friend. i'm allowed to have friends! [monkey screeching] baby, come on, don't be like that! [cheers and applause] >> d.l.: all right, well, best of luck on your new relationship.

michael kosta, everybody. when we come back, i'm going to find out how you are celebrating black history month, so don't go away. [cheers and applause] (vo) the fully electric audi e-tron family is here. with models that fit any lifestyle. and innovative ways to make your e-tron your own. through elegant design and progressive technology. all the exhilaration, none of the compromise. the audi e-tron family. progress that moves you. i screwed up. mhm. i got us t-mobile home internet. now cell phone users have priority over us. and your marriage survived that? you can almost feel the drag when people walk by with their phones.

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there's more of this out there. check it out. something got into it. what happened to you? -a bear did cocaine. a bear? [ growling ] ♪ ♪ what's wrong with that bear? [cheers and applause] >> d.l.: welcome back to

"the daily show." i was telling you that this is the very first day of black history month. so i thought i would hit the streets to ask black and white people how they were celebrating. >> d.l.: as we enter yet another black history month, we thought it was important to connect with people and you find out what their idea of black history was, and nothing says be hollywood boulevard. actually, the closest that the crew would come to martin luther king boulevard. ♪ ♪ how are you? >> i am doing good. >> d.l.: it is black history month. >> absolutely. >> d.l.: what excites you the most about it? >> it's an opportunity to celebrate ourselves, i look up directions as a people, it makes me feel good. >> i love black history month. our kids are getting more educated, not an florida, though. >> d.l.: nobody does. but you know about black history? >> i don't know much but i respect everyone. i like white, black, brown. >> d.l.: but they are ready have tourist. what does black history month

mean to you? >> celebration. >> d.l.: are there any black people he would? >> >> d.l.: it is black history month. are you excited? >> it will be my first. >> d.l.: it is your first black history month? how long have you been black? >> [laughs] >> d.l.: oh, you're from south africa. what is the blackest thing you have ever done? >> we wanted to share our food so we waited and how they left. [laughter] >> d.l.: what is the blackest thing you have ever done? >> i put cereal in a glass jar so the roaches because of the rotated first, i ain't going to eat it. >> d.l.: that is so black, i'm embarrassed. >> every time i go to a new city, i like to go to the grocery store, i go to a watermelon and chicken and see if they say something to me. >> d.l.: has anybody ever? >> don't go to mississippi. >> d.l.: have you ever been denied a loan? >> i haven't.

>> d.l.: that is probably the widest thing you haven't done. what is the widest thing you have ever done? >> shut up. how did that work out? >> not very good. >> d.l.: what is the whitest thing you've ever done? >> improv. >> paid my taxes. >> d.l.: can you name any memories of the wu-tang clan? >> i can. >> d.l.: do you know any of the words to the black national anthem? >> it's messed up but i don't. >> d.l.: do you know any words or the black national anthem? you don't know the words? how would you be respectful? >> d.l.: can you name any members of the wu-tang clan? >> no. >> d.l.: have you ever been late summer? >> no, i'm very punctual. >> d.l.: that is pretty white. do you think conway kanye shoule forgiven? >> yeah, he needs help. >> d.l.: do you know any members of the wu-tang clan? >> no, that's messed up. [laughter] you could take my card for me right now. >> d.l.: give it here. >> d.l.: do you know any of the words are the black national anthem? >> no. >> d.l.: do you know any

members of the wu-tang clan? >> i do, ghostface killah. >> d.l.: that's it. what is a black us and you have ever done? >> i went to roscoe's chicken and waffle. >> d.l.: yeah. what is the blackest thing you've ever done? >> oh, damn. >> d.l.: that is pretty white. >> d.l.: do you follow anyone on black twitter? >> i don't have a black twitter. >> i was in a hip-hop group in high school. >> d.l.: what was your name in the group? >> big and tasty. >> d.l.: big and tasty. give me something. ♪ giv look at me, look at me ♪ >> d.l.: what is a blackest thing you have ever done? >> that is the most racist question never. >> d.l.: of course, of course. [laughter] >> d.l.: what is the blackest thing you have ever done? >> talking to you. >> d.l.: [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> d.l.: all right, stay tuned

because when we come back, dominique foxworth will be joining me on the show. you don't want to miss that. [cheers and applause] welcome to the next level. this is the lexus nx with intuitive tech... (beeps) car: watch for traffic ...and our most advanced safety system ever. ♪ ♪

[group laughing] admit it. you use my old spice body wash. i'm not letting hotel soap. near my skin. it's the lavender and mint for me. let me get that, savannah, if you don't get your moisturized hands off my body wash. [cheers and applause] >> d.l.: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former nfl player and president of the nfl players association. he is now a writer and a commentator. please welcome domonique foxworth! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> d.l.: happy black history month. >> oh, happy black history month to you, too. i appreciate all the white people celebrating, they don't who i am but they clap for me anyway. >> d.l.: no, no. you know what is interesting, it is black history month, and the first day, tom brady announces his retirement. >> oh, gosh, and on the day -- leading up to the super bowl, first two black quarterbacks in the super bowl ever, and we also had -- [applause] we also had over the weekend, what i believe to be the blackest moment in playoff history. i don't know if you saw patrick mahomes' daddy on the sideline, patrick lavon mahomes' daddy, i loved it, it sounded so much like my black uncles. >> d.l.: when you say -- what is his middle name? >> oh, lavon. >> d.l.: then you know it is going to be black. >> it was the familiar din of a black uncle. sounded like a leather baseball

cap. the blackest super bowl ever. >> d.l.: that is like trying to hide the jury. loving on that joe burrow. >> just like mahomes. >> d.l.: but it is historic, two black quarterbacks for the first time. what does that mean to you, you're a former player? >> it represents -- i hate the word progress, but it does kind of represent some progress. there's lots of other things in the nfl and in the world, frankly, that we need to work towards. but one thing that we have had to finally accept is black quarterbacks are perfect leaders, perfect quarterbacks -- >> d.l.: the problem is, they didn't think they had the intelligence. [applause] >> i think it is one, about the intelligence, and leadership, it is also about y'all, frankly. it is about what the quarterback represents on the football team is something that white people and america in general were never comfortable with seeing a black person represent that. so it has been great to see, not only have so many successful

black quarterbacks, we saw even some quarterbacks that are black that aren't good, which is showing progress too. >> d.l.: we can be just as shitty. [laughter] >> that is progress, but the most exciting thing is the future of the league, the best quarterback that i think any of us have ever seen is patrick mahomes. [applause] >> d.l.: i have never seen anyone be able to do the things he does. of course, you got to be great over a period of time, but i thought what cam newton was doing was remarkable, and then you see what happens. it is interesting because we talk about football, there is a marked difference between the way players in the nfl are treated and the way players in the nba are treated. and i think primarily, it is the ownership. i think that the ownership in the nfl has a decidedly different view of their commodity than the nba does. you would never see an nfl -- an nba owner talk to a major

star -- if somebody talks to lebron james like they talk to some of these stars, it would be over. >> yeah, lebron james has a disproportionate amount of power, but singling out the nfl and trust me, i will not be up here defending the nfl, but the nfl exists in our society, and frankly, the nfl is no different than any other workplace. >> d.l.: absolutely. >> the hierarchy that exists in the nfl, it will be blacker at the bottom, the minorities of the bottom, and you go up higher and higher and there is less risk, less danger, less injury, but there is more money, more success, there is more protection, and that is true in the nfl and frankly, that is true in the nba, that is true everywhere that you all work, it is true in this building. sorry. they may not have me back. not today. >> d.l.: it is interesting, because we watched -- when i watched what happened to hamlin on the field, i was personally, like, because i

watched football for a long time and i'm sure you've seen a lot of injuries. i don't know that i've ever seen anything like that. and the way that the players reacted, it was hurtful -- obviously, we are sad -- but it was such a beautiful, human moment. because the nfl got to be human. the coaches are like, we ain't playing this game. the owners are like, yes, you are. you got to see men that were empathic and men who were crying and praying. not because they won lost or praying for somebody -- >> i played a long time. i was in a game where a player got paralyzed on the field, was taken off, we waited 5 minutes, warmed up, played again. i played in a preseason game where a player died in the locker room afterwards. this all goes back to the original conversation we were having about american culture and the hierarchy that exists. you show up at those games as a player and you know that there

is no limit to the risk you are taking. >> d.l.: right. why would you do it, though? >> you would do it because you grow up -- when you are a kid and you want to play football, you decide before you are of clear mind. then you show a propensity for it. people keep pushing you along and nothing is wrong with that. and frankly, when i came up, we were unaware of the cte stuff, that came out while i was in -- >> d.l.: would that change your mind? >> i would like to think it would but i doubt it would. to be honest with you, i don't begrudge any of the players now for participating in the game knowing the risks that it takes. the thing that frustrates me is, there is a cap on the amount of money they can make, on the amount of health care they can receive. the league negotiates for a cap on that. on the other side, the owners, the coaches, the general managers -- >> d.l.: that's up to the players. if nfl players didn't play, that shit would be rugby. and i think the goal is to make you pretend like you don't have a choice, believe you don't have a choice. you go to some of the finest institutions of higher learning on the face of the earth, you went to harvard, you are a very

bright man. [applause] but to make you believe that you are beholding to a thing is the biggest game in town. >> i agree and i understand. to be clear, i went to harvard for business school. i am a terp through and through. >> d.l.: he downplayed harvard. i know someone who went to the new school. [cheers and applause] >> call back. >> d.l.: why is there no new school? >> i would say that, i get your point, and i am sorry to sound like a broken record, but we all exist in a society, and i think the players as a whole, solidarity is power. if they stop playing, you can get what you want. all of us can get the things we want if we band together but the challenging thing about negotiating with the owners is the same thing that we all face, trying to change the system that is entrenched. the people who are already in power in that situation. so if you are to strike, if you are a player, a group of players to get what you want, that is

essentially a war of attrition. the commanders, the washington football team, will reportedly sell for $8 billion. how do players win a war of attrition against them? then, you compound that by the fact that we get pressure from everywhere. no one comes down, so rarely, i think it has changed, but so rarely do fans come down on the owners when there is an issue. >> d.l.: not at all. >> they are mad at that players. >> d.l.: that's the face of it, they don't even see the face because the helmet is on. i think there is a tremendous amount of pressure on you externally, because if you are an athlete, people aspire to be. and there is an amount of external pressure that society, from a civic perspective, from a cultural perspective, from activism perspective, so -- most of the men who are on the football field go through the finest institutions of higher learning in the world. it is not their physical attributes. it is their minds. and when you understand that

your mind is the most valuable piece of real estate on the face of the earth, they can't beat you. they can't. it is not your body. your body will fail you way before your mind does. you are here not because your physical -- you may think if you hurt yourself, but your mind is ready. maybe -- i got a ged so who am i to say? but if you go to college, drop out of class every once in a while, you know what i'm saying? it doesn't have to be the new school. [laughter] domonique foxworth. [cheers and applause] he has a new podcast, "the domonique foxworth show." we will take a quick break but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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