if it doesn't make sense, you must acquit. here look at the monkey, look at the silly monkey. chef, how does it feel to be a free man and have your name credited on "stinky britches" ? great, i just can't find the words to thank all the artists in "chef aid" and most of all, i want to thank the children. so what are you gonna do now ? get back to what's important. it's tuesday that means tomorrow is tuna casserole. hurray ! hurray ! hurray ! ( chef ) ♪ stinky bitches ♪ you got them stinky britches ♪ ♪ stinky bitches ♪ you got them stinky britches ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that

invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> chelsea: oh, hello, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." i'm chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] this is where i get to spend a week talking shit about all the whack jobs and hot messes out there, but i do it sitting behind a desk, because i'm a professional. [cheers and applause] there's a lot of exciting news that transpired over the weekend, and i'm also on ecstasy, so let's get this party started!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ okay, let's kick things off with the big story that burst into the news over the weekend: someone in china had a big birthday party and lost one of their balloons. >> another major story this morning, the ongoing drama surrounding that chinese spy balloon shot down off the south carolina coast this weekend. >> as navy divers search for debris, this video shows what appears to be part of the balloon being brought back to shore on sunday. the balloon, with a payload the size of three buses, first entered u.s. airspace over the aleutian islands last tuesday. it moved to canada, reentering u.s. airspace over idaho. once the balloon reached the atlantic coast, it was shot down with a single side winder missile from an f-22 fighter jet. >> whoo! boom! >> i ordered the pentagon to shoot it down, on wednesday as soon as possible. they decided that the best time to do that was when it got over

water. >> chelsea: wow, joe biden really liked giving that announcement. he hopped off his big, strong plane, and he walked over with his aviator sunglasses, looking like a real tough guy, popping a balloon. giving off some serious "top gun: maverick" vibes. the straight kind. honestly, though, poor joe biden. obama got to order the assassination of bin laden, and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium. and as you heard, this balloon was the size of three buses. i love measuring things in buses. and for the rich people out there who don't know what a bus is, they're those big yellow vehicles that bring matt gaetz's girlfriends to school.

[cheers and applause] so the balloon went over alaska, then through canada, and into u.s. airspace. and by the way, canada, thanks for the heads up on that. canada saw the balloon and they were like, "oh, look, one of those chinese lanterns!" and i hope that balloon wasn't spying on canada. because there is nothing suspicious going on there. unless you want aerial shots of moose getting each other from behind, you can move on. and as usual, america went haywire and brought out way too much firepower to address the problem. they brought two fighter jets and shot a missile through a balloon. was that really necessary? couldn't we have just hired another hot air balloon to float by and shoot it with a bb gun? or just waited for it to get stuck in a ceiling fan? did we really need the fighter jets to turn this thing into the world's saddest used condom?

but hey, why not shoot it when you have a trillion dollar defense budget and all of these rock-hard missiles lying around. trump must be so jealous. what i don't get is, why does trying to even need to send this balloon in the first place? they are already spying on us with tiktok. is it possible that the chinese spies became the first people ever to get sick of tiktok? were they like, i swear to god, if i see one more basic bitch make a lasagna and a slow co cooker. [cheers and applause] and by the way, china, if you're listening, which you obviously are, next time, why you don't make your balloon the color of blue, so we can't see it in the sky? or if you're going to make it white, at least write "the moon" on it. no one here will know the difference.

i certainly won't. in other exciting news, marjorie taylor greene, aka capitol-storming barbie, hates her job. which is so funny, because the rest of us also hate her having her job. >> becoming a member of congress has made my life miserable. the nature of this job, it keeps members of congress and senators in washington so much of the time, too much of the time, to be honest with you, that -- that we don't get to go home and spend more time with our families, our friends, and, you know, all in our district or maybe just be regular people, because this job is so demanding and it's turned into practically year-round. >> chelsea: first of all, you're not a regular person, you moron! you're a congress person, because you campaigned and somehow won, which requires you to work! year-round! i also don't want to work year-round, and that's why i

don't! [cheers and applause] to quote kim k. for a second, "get your [bleep] ass up and work!" [cheers and applause] the point is, if you don't like being in congress, then go work at foot locker, bitch! but that's not even the worst part of what she said. this is: >> i have people come up to me and say crazy things to me, out of the blue in public places, that they believe cause they read it on the internet. >> chelsea: well, if that's not the pot calling the kettle q-anon. this woman thought 9/11 was a hoax, that the clintons killed

jfk jr., and that jews are in charge of space lasers. but please, don't come at her with crazy ideas. she might believe them. anyway, moving along. luckily for mtg, we can't spend the whole entire show talking about her, because she has a coworker who is even more unstable. i'm talking about the broke millionaire, half-black, gay, jewish volleyball star, drag queen george santos. [cheers and applause] and believe it or not, his resume keeps growing. just this week, he's been accused of groping and aid, and i will say, this is the first thing about him that makes them sound like he does belong in congress. things are really starting to click for him. but before we could even let that sink in, we got hit with this other crazy lie. >> meanwhile, georgia santos is also a broadway producer. at least what to that's with the

embattled lawmaker told potential donors when he was running for office in 2021. bloomberg reports santos told supporters that he was a producer on the short-lived broadway production "spider-man: turn off the dark." the office of the plays producer confirmed that santos did not work on it. the play only ran for a short time and was plagued with technical issues and actor injuries. and lost millions of dollars during its run and frankly h area scores for santos to lie about. a spokesman for the show said "of all of the tribulations the producers of "spider-man: turn off the dark" had to endure, we are very pleased, proud, and relieved to report that working with georgia santos was not one of them. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: i do not get this dude. how could he lie so much, and not get better at lying? why would you pick the most embarrassing broadway show to lie about? that's like saying, "you heard

of the titanic. i was the captain. maybe this guy is smarter than he looks because each new scandal makes you forget about the last one. i have already forgotten that he stole money from a dead dog. that's right. you heard money. he stole from a dog and then ghosted that dog. who ghosts a dog? we've only known this guy for five weeks. how are we already on season 19 of his scandals? i feel like i need to put his scandals through a "we didn't start the fire" so i can member them. 9/11, volleyball, spider-man, dead dog. [cheers and applause] and finally, some good news. for other people have been waiting for the world to end. this weekend, we almost got there. >> now to the other big story we're following, the dangerous arctic blast that is smashing records across the northeast. many spots haven't felt temperatures this brutally cold in decades. >> windchills in portland reaching minus 45.

and in boston, 39 below. uncharted territory for both cities. the once in a generation cold reaching the peak of nearby mount washington, where it felt like a jaw-dropping minus 108. >> we've got frequent gusts near 80 miles per hour. >> meteorologist francis tarasiewicz measures conditions outside every hour. >> before i really knew what was going on, my legs seemed to have been knocked out from underneath me and i was on the ground. >> the mount washington observatory's live stream showed the intense conditions. nasa says the top of the mountain was slightly colder than the average on mars. >> chelsea: i don't understand what "colder than mars" means. use a reference that ordinary americans can understand. was it colder than three buses? i hope it's no so cold that elon musk won't be able to masturbate when he gets there! for more on this extreme

weather, let's go live to dulce sloan, who is currently on location on mount washington. >> no, no, no. absolutely not. i'm in my bed. >> chelsea: but you were supposed to report on the record low temperatures in new hampshire. >> listen, white lady, you got the wrong one! you needed me to go to a mountaintop that tell you one negative 108 degrees is cold? you know how i know it was cold outside? because the uber eats man told me it was cold, and that's all i need to know. >> chelsea: how are you supposed to report on the wind if you are in bed? you are supposed to be outside. >> no, ma'am. i know your tricks! the only reason anybody wants a reporter out in this weather is to watch them fall and laugh at it. nope, nope. you you're not slick. i can't fall down if i am laying down. ha! check-mate!

[applause] >> chelsea: you really think, as a woman, i would put another woman in that situation? >> bitch, i don't know you! i give you the benefit of the doubt, next thing i know, i'm falling off a mountain like a frozen mufasa! ahhh! if you want to report on the cold, you go outside, blonde lady. you look like you can handle it. you look like this be 25 from "frozen" anyway. >> chelsea: but i have to be here at the desk. >> listen to this woman. shea says she has to be "at the desk." >> chelsea: who are you talking to? >> none of your business! i'm not at work. >> chelsea: you are at work! >> listen. listen. listen. there's too much shit going on outside. fires, floods, balloon parts falling from the sky like a bad porno. i am an inside reporter now. okay, there's plenty to report on here. it is 71 degrees, i'm watching

"scandal" under flex and we are seeing a massive pileup of dishes in the sink, which is not my fault! i can't do the dishes, i'm at work! >> chelsea: dulce, you put me in a bad spot here, i was hoping for some or any reporting on mount washington. >> oh, don't worry, listen, i'm a professional. i can get you a report on mount washington. i got my sources right here. you know, my uber eats driver. sent him there to get the scoop. i'll message him now. what's up with the mountain? is it cold and shit? oh, he sent me a video. [laughs] he fell down! [laughs] [laughs] i love when that happens. i tell you what, it won't be me, bitch! [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: thanks for nothing, dulce. dulce sloan, everybody.

[cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, we'll talk about the latest diet fad that lets you lose weight and kill someone. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] heart-pounding design. intelligent technology. courageous performance. discover a new world of possibilities in the all-new lexus rx. never lose your edge. [upbeat music] [sound of tape application] i just need you to sign option three. [cheering] ♪ ♪ ♪ this year, we're helping our customers save for the 1.7 million things that matter most to them. ♪ just another reason why

we're all better off with an ally. ♪ unless you treat dandruff regularly, we're all better off with an ally. it will keep coming back. try head & shoulders. it contains zinc pyrithione which fights the germ that causes dandruff, and when used regularly, helps prevent it from coming back. for up to 100% dandruff protection, use head & shoulders.

kinder bueno. it's crispy. it's creamy. it's not your average chocolate bar. smooth milk chocolate, crispy wafer, creamy hazelnut filling. it's kinder bueno. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to

"the daily show." if you're like most americans, you love trying to lose weight while not losing any weight. but now, there's a new drug that really causes weight loss! there's just one small downside. >> you may have seen photos of celebrities and others showing off dramatic weight loss. some say it is diet and exercise, yet millions openly credit drugs used to treat obesity and diabetes for getting so skinny. >> ozempic is a drug that was developed to treat diabetes, but in recent months, demand for that drug has soared because one its side effects is weight loss. many are now calling for this trend to end because it is causing a shortage of medicine that they desperately need. the company that makes ozempic blames the shortage in an intermittent disruptions. the company also said while doctors might be prescribing ozempic for weight loss, the company does not promote doing so. >> chelsea: come on. stop stealing medication from diabetes patients! if you want to lose weight, just do a juice cleanse and spend

next three days on the toilet like a normal person. but i'll tell you what. if ozempic isn't going to be able to stop celebrities from taking it for weight loss, they could at least change their ads to warn diabetics about it. >> people with type 2 diabetes are excited about how ozempic treats blood sugar and weight loss. >> thanks to ozempic come i have a ton more energy now, which i need to come fight off the hordes of real housewives trying to steal my ozempic. >> i said get back, lisa! >> all it takes is one dose per week. and a panic room to hide from the tiktok influencers. i'm not going out like billy. they stripped him to his bones for his ozempic. they even did a tiktok dance while they did it. >> ozempic is not for everyone. if you are not prepared to kill for ozempic, it may not be right for you. check with your doctor to see if you are healthy enough for extended fist fighting. in the event of a celebrity

attack, ozempic sleek pen can be had an inside of your rectum. >> ozempic has given me the freedom to live my -- oh, shit, its chelsea handler! >> ask your doctor about ozempic today. >> thanks, ozempic. >> thanks, ozempic. thanks, ozempic. i don't have it, i swear! >> that's what everyone says. >> ozempic. you will probably survive it. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: all right, stay tuned because when we come back, senator raphael warnock will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

have an h&r block tax pro do your taxes online, and tax season feels just as good as all those other seasons. like fishing season. you caught a big one, buddy! football season. tax. season. is. back. tax pros! get your online tax pros here! even wedding season. i w-2 you. i w-2 you too. ♪♪ taxes! file from anywhere with the expertise of an h&r block tax pro. victor... why are you still living with odors? get back in there and freshen instantly with new febreze air mist. that's right! febreze now has a new, finer mist that floats in the air longer and quickly fills the room to fight even your toughest odors. leftover fried fish funk? instant freshness! gaming teen odors? instant freshness! spray new febreze air mist to keep your home

smelling fresh and clean. ♪ la, la, la, la, la. ♪ (vo) red lobster's finer points of fun dining: at lobsterfest, whether you're a sea-foodieg fresh and clean. or a lobster newbie, there's something for everyone. try one of six dishes, like new lobster and shrimp tacos for $17.99. and leave completely lobsessed. welcome to fun dining. [playstation mnemonic] this is live from ps5. let's go now to our first story. the good people of manhattan woke up to a gift from their favorite hero. there's two of them! [reporting in foreign language] [reporting in foreign language] experts are linking all of these events to an increase in activity on ps5. this was live from ps5, bringing you the extraordinary. rated rp to m. playstation.

[dramatic music] [radio chatter] ♪ welcome home, commander! [music swells] ♪ [music stops abruptly] [sigh] the most advanced vehicles are the ones that prepare you for everything. [upbeat music] ♪

♪ kia, movement that inspires. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a

u.s. senator and senior pastor of the historic ebenezer baptist church. he's here to talk about his new children's book, "put your shoes on and get ready!" please welcome senator raphael warnock! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome! [cheers and applause] >> hi. >> chelsea: hello. >> hi. how are you? >> chelsea: i am so delighted to be sitting down with you. you are just the star of the democratic party and i am just so delighted to be sitting here with you, because who wasn't rooting for you that i knew? no one! [laughter] that was a very, very tight race that you were in. >> well, thank you. it is great to be here and i am proud of what georgia did. >> chelsea: yeah. [cheers and applause]

now you don't have an election, you don't have a runoff or a special election or any election for the next six years? >> that's right. my name was on the ballot five times in two years. so clearly, i wanted this job, y'all. [cheers and applause] finally, i have a six-year term. >> chelsea: yeah, that is very refreshing news for all of us, so we never have to deal with that sort of chicanery again. i am excited that you wrote a book. it is called "put on your shoes and get ready," which is about you growing up in a household, you were 1 of 12 children and you were number 11? >> 1 of 12 children and my family, i'm number 11 out of 12. my parents were both preachers. clearly, they read the scripture. be fruitful and multiply. >> chelsea: it was also nice of you -- did you write a children's book so that herschel walker would be able to read it? [cheers and applause]

>> [laughs] so i have two small children. my daughter is 6 and my son is 4. and the title of the book, "put your shoes on and get ready," is something my dad told me every morning. he had a fierce work ethic. you didn't sleep late in his house. every day, he said, get up, put your shoes on, get ready. it is something i passed on to my children. for me, it represents preparation, but also a sense of purpose, and the recognition that all of us have a place, i believe, in the world, we've got gifts and things we are supposed to do. and i am fighting every day to make sure that every kid has a place in america. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: considering the state of politics and the divisiveness of, you know, where we are right now in this country, are you

hopeful about voting rights? i know that is something you are working hard for, and also with police brutality, that you guys had a caucus with the president. how do you see things playing out in this time? >> look, change is slow. it's difficult. it comes in fits and starts, but we have to keep working at it. so i'm not about to lose hope. i mean, if the preacher loses hope, then, you know, we are in a dangerous place. so i'm not about to lose hope. and i was disappointed that we didn't get voting rights done last congress. but i am not about to stop fighting. the last time we passed voting rights in this country, it passed under a republican president, passed the senate, i think 96-0. some of those folks are still in the congress, and democracy for me is not just one issue alongside other issues. it is the framework in which we get to fight for everything we care about. climate change. the issues around police brutality. giving people access, affordable health care. all of these things are fought

for within the framework of our democracy. so i'm going to keep fighting until we get voting rights done. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: and speaking on the subject of books, we have, you know, a governor in florida, who is trying to ban books and trying to ban critical race theory, and let's just talk for a second about how damaging that is for little children growing up in this country. >> oh, i think it is quite unfortunate. and we have to reject the idea that our children will be so traumatized by the truth of our complicated american story that they can't bear it. and all of us have to push back against this idea that education is the enemy. all of us, red, yellow, brown, black, and white. black history is the american story. and that is why i wrote this

book. i deal with the issue of race in this book, so i don't know if my book will be banned or not. but i will tell you, as a dad, i was trying to figure out how to talk to my kids about what i know they will encounter. and i think i deal with it in a way that honors the legacy of my dad, who, as i talk about in the book, was -- he served in the army during the world war ii era. all stateside. and one day, he was asked to give up his seat on a public bus while wearing his soldier's uniform. for some, the skin he was wearing was more important than the uniform he was wearing, and so he had to give up his seat. that is a part of the american story. but here's the other part of the american story. my dad had to give up his bus seat. now i have a seat in the united states senate. the kid who grew up --

[cheers and applause] >> chelsea: that's right. thank you for being here. "put on your shoes and get ready" is available now. senator raphael warnock. okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] (vo) the fully electric audi e-tron family is here.

with models that fit any lifestyle. and innovative ways to make your e-tron your own. through elegant design and progressive technology. all the exhilaration, none of the compromise. the audi e-tron family. progress that moves you. playoff time baby, games, snacks drinks. i mean, what else can you ask for? hey, pass me a pepsi.

hand me some lays. peyton, eli, road trip to the super bowl! you're not going. i'm going to get more chips and drinks. do not leave this room. technically i didn't leave the room. i'll call our mom after i finish these chips. ♪♪ ♪if you start me up♪ ♪if you start me up, i'll never stop♪ ♪if you start me up♪ applebee's all you can eat is back for just $14.99! (♪ ♪) applebee's all you can eat you inspired the lexus es to be, well ... more you. so thank you. we hope you like your work. (♪ ♪) [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: that's our show

for tonight. but before we go, a powerful earthquake struck turkey and syria this morning prompting a massive rescue operation. ihh humanitarian relief foundation teams are on the ground, starting search and rescue activities. if you can help them in their work, please donate at the link below. now here it is. your "moment of zen." ♪ ♪ >> 30 plus years of service. >> won't retire despite your best efforts, he refused to die. what is that? ♪ ♪ >> on wednesday, when i was briefed on the balloon, i order the pentagon to shoot it down. ♪ ♪ >> usa! usa!