dwight, i can't do this. dwight! hey, senator lipton. hey, how are you? you didn't call. hy, listen, well, the issue that i-- that concerned me-- you know what this is about. call me. [door opens and closes] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> chelsea: hi, everybody! i'm chelsea handler! and i'm back for night two of guest hosting "the daily show." if you watched the show last night, you'll know i was on ecstasy, and i was way too high to find my way out of the building, so i'm back here again ayahuasca. [cheers and applause] and let me tell you, i can now see that all of us are part of one infinite consciousness, together in one soul, all of us part of the same holy union. except for tucker carlson. [cheers and applause] which brings us to tonight's headlines.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] here's what dipsy doodle had to say about joe biden's court appointments. >> so the point of diversity, equity, and inclusion, as you've often heard, is to wind up at the leadership class that "looks like america." now we think you should hire on the basis of merit, but that's kind of an appealing idea. the people who run the country should look like the country. that's not what it's about at all, because no administration has ever looked less like america just by the numbers than the biden administration. it's not about making the administration look like america. it's about discriminating against certain classes of people who don't vote for them. period. and now it's provable. 97 federal judges confirmed under joe biden. total number of white men, five! 22 are black women. so this is race-based hiring. it's illegal, but it's also not about looking like america.

>> chelsea: i wish tucker carlson would go back to talking about which m&ms he likes to [bleep]. what are you even complaining about? having diversity in power is a dream come true for you. now you can blame all your problems on women and black people! maybe if your inbred fingers could work a calculator, maybe you would see that the reason biden is nominating so many black women is to make up for men having a 200-year-head start. even after joe biden's appointment, there are only 44 black women serving out of federal judges, out of 784! i mean what is this, wakanda? 44 out 784! that is not a lot. you need 20 black women just to make up for clarence thomas. [cheers and applause]

and this raises a more important question, tucker, which is: why are you always such a whiny little bitch? all you do is complain, complain, complain, and now i have to spend my time here complaining about you! i could've been up here talking about real issues, like how celebrities were filling up their asses and faces with fat, but now suddenly they're taking out the fat in their asses and faces. and where does all that fat go? and how do i get in on that? i'm 47 and need to start figuring out what direction i'm going in, and i wanted to use this time to get some audience feedback on it, but no, now i have to spend my time talking about how you're mad that white men only control almost all of the country. do you have any idea how hard it is to be a woman? how long am i supposed to keep this charade going and pretend that my face isn't melting in front of everyone's eyes? any who, let's move on.

because speaking of dissatisfied men, a man in singapore is suing a woman for putting him in the friend zone. that's right. he wants $2.3 million because he says her rejection caused him "sustained trauma." and this is why i don't date anyone from singapore. he said getting friends owned because tim sustained trauma. how hard is this dude masturbating? [cheers and applause] this would never happen the other way around. women would never file a lawsuit just because a man ghosted us. no, we'd just spread a rumor that he's got a small penis that's riddled with stds. because we're adults. [cheers and applause] i just hope this guy doesn't win, because if rejecting losers becomes a crime, i'm looking at a class action lawsuit against

myself. let's move onto some fashion news. even though it's only february, a lot of people are already starting to wonder if they're going to be ready for bikini season. and if this is the bikini everyone is wearing. i'm starting to wonder the same thing. >> a woman is going viral for her reaction to a micro bikini that she bought from kim kardashian's skims line. the $28 bikini claims to fit every body, but it is barely covering a trader joe's tortilla chip. >> so if you've been eyeing the skims micro bikini and wondering about the size, these are tortilla chips for scale. i can't really bring this up any higher everywhere, like, probably up to here. this is the most comfortable, at, like, this level, because if you look, this is all string. it's not going to work for anyone. >> chelsea: okay, first of all, that's not a helpful comparison. nobody who can fit into a bikini that small has ever eaten a tortilla chip.

and that aside, who is this bikini for? it doesn't even cover all your genitals. is someone sitting around going "my vulva's extroverted but my clitoris is shy." in order to wear that bikini, you have to borrow a baby's vagina. this thing is going to go right up your pikachu. it is the only bikini that comes with a box of monistat, because you're gonna need it. [cheers and applause] i'm speaking from personal experience when i say, this feels like a bottom that you are going to have to throw in the garbage right after you where it. i feel like you are printing us, kim k. one day you're wearing a tortilla chip bikini, the next you're showing up in a batman onesie. which one is it, kim? you need to tell us! just tell us. you're our leader! [applause] anyway, i bought one. and finally, let's talk about a

group that's definitely not buying any tortilla-kinis: the taliban. these assholes fought for 20 years to get back in control of the afghan government. but now that they have it, it's not nearly as fulfilling as they thought. >> meanwhile, to the taliban. it's been almost a year and a half since the u.s. left afghanistan and apparently the ruling taliban is now they're bored. >> interviews with former mujahidin reveal that they are not happy holding down government jobs in the city. "we had a great degree of freedom" during the war, said one fighter. "however, these days, you have to go to the office before 8:00 am and stay there till 4:00 pm." others complained about traffic and crime rates in the city, and worried that easy internet access has gotten everyone addicted to social media. >> chelsea: okay, before you laugh, i follow a bunch of jihadists on tiktok and they do have really good life hacks. a lot of it involves actual hacking, but still. it is something to think about. i can't believe this. the taliban is addicted to

social media, hates traffic, and they're scared of the crime rate in the city? are they a terrorist group or a white girl from the valley? who knew the taliban are such whiny bitches? you sound like tucker carlson! [cheers and applause] actually, you guys have a lot in common. i'm no matchmaker, but it sounds like a swipe to the right. the far right. apparently, the taliban really hate living in the city. well, guess what: none of the afghan people in the city wanted you there in the first place! all the women who liked going to school and driving and working won't miss you. if you hate the city so much, go back to your cave and work by zoom like the rest of us. okay? i'm not even in this studio right now. i'm using a zoom background because i am really at burning man. that's really why i'm on ayahuasca. for more on the taliban, we go

to afghanistan where desi lydic is reporting live. [cheers and applause] >> that's right, chelsea. i'm here on the front lines with the taliban. and for the record, these guys are not like the mall santa. their beards are 100% real. found that out the hard way. >> chelsea: the front lines? of what? i thought the war is over. >> yes, the war with the united states is over. but an office job is its own type of war, that the taliban is not prepared for it at all. getting hit by american missiles is bad, but compared to everyone finding out that you're the office pooper? i think we'd all rather take the drones. >> chelsea: but this is what the taliban wanted! why would you spend 20 years taking over a country if you didn't want to run the country? >> oh, they want to run the country but they didn't know what working is like these days. i saw one veteran fighter

accidentally log himself out of slack. then, he tried to log in, but it said he had to verify with his phone, but his phone said he had to verify the phone with slack. then he tried to call i.t. but they only use slack, and long story short, by the end of the day, he beheaded himself. not to mention, this is a whole new power structure for them. they have to answer to an h.r. person now. >> chelsea: the taliban has h.r.? >> oh, yeah. someone's got to handle all the complaints about the women in the office. mainly that there's women in the office. >> chelsea: that makes sense. >> it's bad, chelsea. they can't do anything right. they tried to throw an office party, but they don't allow alcohol here. >> chelsea: no alcohol? just beer and wine? >> no, no. i mean, no alcohol.

can you imagine having to interact with coworkers without drinking? >> chelsea: no. that sounds awful. >> miserable. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: well, now that the taliban is demoralized, maybe this is america's chance to go back in and defeat them. >> the beauty is this is that we don't need to do that, chelsea. we can just sit back and let the monotony of the 9 to 5 office culture take its toll as their cubicle walls close in and the fluorescent lights drained them of their will to live. >> chelsea: so, what americans did to ourselves. >> no, that's totally different. because in america, we let women do it too. >> chelsea: thank you so much, desi. all right, when we come back, we'll bring some other people to tell jokes. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." there's more stories out there to talk about, and to help me talk about them, i've brought in some friends. please welcome sam jay, matteo lane, and sam jay! welcome to the show, guys, thanks for being here tonight. >> thanks. >> things were having us. >> chelsea: there is some stuff the news i want to get your takes on. leonardo dicaprio is rumored to be dating a 19-year-old woman but then he said he may not be dating a 19-year-old woman but i think the truth is that he probably is dating a 19-year-old woman.

and he has this pattern, right? a lot of people get upset that he only dates -- he has never went from 25 -- if this is true -- to 19. he is always dated women that are 25. i have the opposite problem. i've only dated men that are in the 50s, whether i'm in my 20s, and my 30s, or in my 40s, i always like older men. so i have a glass ceiling and he has a glass basement. [laughter] do you take -- obviously, do you take offense -- what -- i mean, i don't understand what the problem is when a man can only date someone that is, like, that young. like they don't mature what with their own age. >> as a speefourteen person, on grinder, they say it is just a preference. >> for real, i feel like he keeps it right above -- you know what i mean, he doesn't go too low where you are like, "criminal." >> i don't have a problem with him for his specifically because i'm his age, i am 47, i think he is 48. i will be 48 at some point

hopefully. but i don't have a problem with him doing that because i think he just doesn't so much, you know, good stuff too. he is such a big environmentalist. it is not like he is a scientologist or something. [laughter] >> he is dealing with agents, he is into movie, then he's like, how was your day? she's like, my locker mate is the worst. [laughter] like, she is 19. >> tom brady is also in the news today because he posted a picture yesterday, kind of a thirst trap picture. >> gay. [laughter] >> tom brady has not come out as gay, okay? [laughter] >> when he does, tell me! [laughter] ricoh pictures speak louder than words. [laughter] >> my issue with tom brady is less about his gayness and more about the fact that he let his wife leave him with his children. he broke up his entire family so he could play an extra season on whatever team he is on.

the tampa bay buccaneers? is that right? is that the team he is on? she is from boston. >> i am so offended by whatever this is. he let his wife leave him so he could go play with -- he achieved greatness. he became a football god. that takes time. >> yes, okay, go ahead. [applause] >> yeah. >> but that doesn't happen this year. he didn't achieve greatness this year. >> that is why he is showing half his package. [laughter] >> and it is the half package that bothers me. why are you covering up the goods? >> he is sitting there like a kid, like a 7-year-old in church who has to pee. >> or he is sitting there like a greek adonis with a lot to show you. [laughter] >> those underwear, those look like skims. [laughter] >> every gay instagram out it just in one photo. [laughter] >> there is a 9-year-old named

david balogun, he graduated from regent cyber charter school after taking online classes. so he is 9. he started high school right before covid hit and then he graduated in three years with a 4.0 gpa. and he wants to be an astrophysicist. >> god. >> i mean, this kid is annoying the shit out of me. [laughter] [applause] i mean, he completed a semester at bucks county community college, which is the only thing i have in common with him. he also completed one semester at community college. [laughter] i don't like when kids get like this. you know what i mean? >> i just want to say, when i was nine years old, i was watching x-men pretending i was storm and eating trix for kids. how was the arctic graduating college? >> during covid, when everyone is making excuses about not getting anything done or whatever because we are sad or lonely or alone or we are not alone enough, and then this kid

is just had to get out of the park. this is another reason not to have kids. [laughter] [applause] >> do not send him to college! sent him to the streets, okay! we need more geniuses making ai! we need gangsters. [laughter] >> there has been another new discovery. jupiter, the planet -- [laughter] has 92 moons, 12 of which they had missed prior, and they just found 12 more moons surrounding jupiter. if this is a very confusing time for me because if you know me well, you know that i am very confused about the galaxy. >> i just wish that we would all get to a point where a scientist would be like hey, y'all, we don't know shit, and stop there. >> chelsea: yeah. >> like, it's just -- y'all don't know. >> chelsea: i don't like finding out about planets or that aliens are coming. i know that there are aliens out there but i don't want to comingle with them.

you know what i mean? i'm not looking to meet them, i don't want to find out more surprising things about the galaxy. it just all kind of annoys me. >> it is just like -- nasa is like a really expensive program to look at rocks. >> i agree. i agree. why are we sending all this money to juplino, but we can't get it out of the subway? priorities, people! [cheers and applause] >> i know. they are like, look at all this water that is on this moon off jupiter! i'm like, doesn't flinch need better water? what are we doing? >> chelsea: thank you. when we come back, ashley graham will be joining us. [cheers and applause]

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and designer who's become a fixture on every major magazine cover and fashion runway. please welcome my friend ashley graham! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> hey! hey, mama! [cheers and applause] i like this audience. they are nice and lively. >> chelsea: i know. isn't it a wonderful, beautiful audience! >> hello, audience! [cheers and applause] now am i just sitting really tall and you are sitting short? i feel like -- >> chelsea: yeah, you feel like you are a little taller than me. that's okay. >> chelsea: thank you for being here today. i am so excited to talk to you because i always love to talk to you because you are real and not full of shit like all of these other models. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. i like to keep it honest, keep it real. i don't know what the other models are lying about but i do

know what i'm telling the truth about, and it's me. i think everybody needs to have a little honest -- honest truth on instagram and social media. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: yeah, and i feel -- absolutely. i feel the same way because i find it very frustrating, especially when we think about young girls coming up and growing up and watching everybody on social media, now that everybody's dirty laundry is there for everybody to see, it is such a crappy example to let them believe that everybody looks perfect all the time, when people are walking around in those tortilla chip bikinis. without getting some major things onto their bodies to afford that to happen, you know what i mean? >> 100%. >> chelsea: and you are all about body positivity. >> yeah, i like to represent myself as someone who is just happy with who i am. and i have had a journey. like, it is a journey. body confidence, being okay with who you are is a journey, and there has been waves of it that i have had mental issues with my body or just physical issues with my body and -- but you go

through it. and i think that is the whole thing. i talk about it. i don't ever want to lie. because i think about myself, we think about when we were younger, what were the celebrities and influencers and people we were looking up to, and there wasn't enough being talked about then, but now we have the platform, we have the space to be able to talk about it, so we don't have to deal with that but it is just such a problem. >> chelsea: there was no phrase -- first of all, there weren't influencers when we were growing up. >> nobody was -- >> chelsea: and that was a more pleasant time, i would argue. >> little bit. [applause] before social media, it was a lot easier, wasn't it? >> chelsea: it was a lot easier and the term "body positivity" wasn't even around when we were growing up, so now there's body positivity, which means you are very happy or you embrace all of your shortcomings -- >> i feel positive about where i am in life and it has gone up and down. then there is body neutrality. >> chelsea: which is what?

>> body neutrality is i'm happy to be in my body. so you are not giving this idea of perfection. because i mean, the whole altering your body through just one click or one pinch, that is a lie. a lie to everyone that is following you. it's not nice. >> chelsea: no, it's not nice. but body neutrality -- i don't think i'm even there yet. i don't wake up and go, oh, my god, my body is a vessel. you know what i mean? >> [laughter] there are layers to this. >> chelsea: there are layers to it, even for a grown woman like myself -- i can't believe i just referred to myself as a grown woman. but i guess that's what i am. [cheers and applause] >> you are a grown woman. >> chelsea: [laughs] fashion week starts this week, so are you walking any shows? >> i'm going o walk, i'm going to sit, i'm to join the parties. i already did a few things. >> chelsea: do you love fashion week? >> it is like love/hate. because fashion is so much fun. i am wearing a balmain dress tonight, right now,

thank you, olivier, for making my size. and you find a designer you are obsessed with and they don't make your size. so there still is this long journey i think ahead of us with designers, because for whatever reason, there is just this cycle of issues when it comes to making sizes that can fit the u.s. majority, which is a size 14/16. that is the majority of u.s. women, that is the size we are. so why are you missing out on this billion-dollar business? why don't you want dress us? i don't understand that. >> chelsea: right. >> i'm here to support. i love fashion but the biggest problem is, there just isn't enough designers making clothes our size. >> chelsea: you for amazing things for a lot of models. i appreciate everything you are doing, on behalf of all women. absolutely. [cheers and applause] we are going to take a quick break and we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪